Diamonds Are Formed Under Pressure

Disclaimer - I'm too tired to write coherently or concisely but it's now or never...

I just had the best Sunday. Went to a baptism in the morning, after which we had this really great party with lots of good food, sunshine, singsongs, dancing and all lovely stuff like that. The ceremony itself just had so much joy - four people took the plunge and each had such a special story. I know no-one's testimony is better or worse, each a magic part of kingdom history, but this one guy stood up there and told us about his life full of addiction and violence and total shit and said he gave his life to Jesus two weeks ago... It had been a bit more of a journey than that but the crux is that he said for the first time he now had a hope and that the darkness of it all had been broken by this light he never knew even possible. I suppose the thing about those really stark stories is that they can represent in a graphic image the reality of freedom that we all (can) have with Jesus. Darkness doesn't have to be obvious or even apparent in anyway to take a hold of a life and chain it all up. Loving the reminder. (Also loving the way I was sitting at the front right behind one of the baptisees who stood up and pulled down his jeans in front of me...! He was wearing shorts under but it was still *quite* unexpected.)

Talking about darkness... (and being in shock!)

I didn't make my deadline on Friday.

After a night of utter frustration, during which I was stupidly (nay miraculously) OK and able to keep afloat and I suppose jog on some (not running, that is too hardcore), I got to midday before I decided it wasn't possible anymore and I should prob go tell someone. But I'd kept at it till then, willing it to work. Crying out at times to take it all away (secretly hoping I would get hit by a car on my walk just enough that I could stop but not so bad it would hurt or have any long term detriment!) but then embracing the need to try and do my bit even if it didn't work out, so I felt like I had done all I could. At which point it still didn't work out.

How did that feel? Second time round, so sure, so joyful, so adamant that it would be a testimony to God's faithfulness like when Daniel went in that old den and Darius was dead impressed by the lack of death-by-lion. I didn't feel like my faith depended on it so much, more that those friends who saw me be so carefree and chilled would be a bit unimpressed if my God didn't rescue me. I wanted Him to work a specific miracle for what I thought it would be good for and I had set out very particular guidelines for how God should be honoured in this situation.

But I realise: it really isn't up to me to tell him how to roll. Actually, maybe this wasn't about God doing something that would impress all those people who I'd seen the day before but about what honour I personally could give to him. Maybe he wanted my affections in the dark situation rather than to "win people over" which, let's face it, He can do however He likes. There is a pretty sweet song by Ishmael - you must know him - which goes like this:

I praise the Lord when the sun comes out, but I won't if it get's too hot
I praise the Lord when it rains a little, but not if it rains a lot
I praise the Lord when things go my way, but I won't when the going is tough
I praise the Lord when I've plenty of cash, but I won't when I aint got enough

Obviously sarcastic. Brilliant. Friday I had to let go of the let down, relinquish the fear that I was going to fail, and just go with it and still trust. I don't like saying this 'cause I don't want to appear proud but at the same time I am delighted at the way in which depending on God drew me close enough to Him that when it turned sour it wasn't about giving up but about somehow trying to praise through it. Though I won't pretend it wasn't horrible and really gutting too at times and just utter emotional sleep deprived turmoil. Another song ('cause everyone else says it better) by another legend Graham K sums it up:

For the joys and for the sorrows, the best and worst of times
For this moment for tomorrow, for all that lies behind
Fears that crowd around me, for the failures of my plans
For the dreams of all I hope to be, the truth of what I am
For this I have Jesus (repeat 2.5 times for emphasis!)

My point? I don't know if it will ever get easy to give up on my plans... especially when this alternative involves continued pressure and an absolute lack of idea about the coming months and how I will possibly deal with further deadlines and exams and, well, life. But really when it comes down to it all these things will pass away and so once again I must look at the things that will not. He is the only thing.

I figure that if I did what I could and this still happened then it must the right thing, ergo be glad. I suppose that is the difference that the light makes: chases the dark out of situations so they haven't got the power to ensnare and destroy.

Don't get me wrong. I hate it a lot. Friday sucked ass and did threaten to break me. I hate not being free, I hate the stress and the excuses and the way in which I have to be needy and "special" and I wish I could see my friends freely and get involved in the homeless shelter (I'm not being holy, I like it there) and everything else I want to do. There's no point pretending life is amazing right now 'cause that will only devalue it all when it is amazing, but it is alright nonetheless. After all, there's a time to enjoy and a time to endure; a time to play and a time to work. But I don't mind the shit 'cause truly it does bring me closer to Jesus and I am by no means perfect but I ain't gonna lie, I am improving.

Being refined, duh, it is not going to be nice or quick or pain free and messless. But it is going to be incredible and as these deep foundations get laid and a seed is planted at the bottom of them a house can be built that will have fruit growing all around it (I like mixing my metaphors) and then it will be like a gingerbread cottage but instead of tempting and dangerous and far too indulgent it will be healthy and good and the right kind of natural sugars.

So walk, plod, run, crawl, skip, jog, shuffle, trudge, dance on. Which ever it is, as it gets me through the fire, I know I will not be burned.

pray praY prAY pRAY PRAY!

Don't forget how much it changes things. DO IT! Wow, does it change things. God is there and interactive and as we ask for things (and sometimes seek and hammer on doors for them) the most incredible stuff happens. Wow do they happen!

I just got exhorted. Can you tell? If I remember I'll put the link up but find it at http://www.woodlandschurch.net/ sometime soon otherwise. This guy is a good speaker, overtly charismatic (I am suspicious of all things charming) but real with it; raises a smile... and an eyebrow... and a response.

There is lots to share and comment on, not least battling with encroaching legalism, I don't have time now 'cause bed is calling me and I am beyond processing. However, remember that prayer really is about relationship and hanging out with God... but also that it can make INCREDIBLE differences in the world now and The Kingdom forever.

PRAY!!! Even if you don't believe it don't matter, 'cause it isn't a trick of the mind actually!

Don't despair at the difficulty and incredible responsibility it brings though. My favourite way to pray is "please help me pray" (it's my favourite way to do anything actually). The rule of willingness being the most important thing is still applicable here. Not by my might or power but by His spirit - that one never stops being true. One time I was at a night of prayer and getting totally depressed and wanting to give up and die (or at least go to bed and cry). At one point I was supposed to be praying for someone and all I could say was "bless her bless her bless her" lots and lots. Sometimes it doesn't really matter what we do, just that we do it. Sure sometimes we also gotta go for it big guns, but always only by His guidance and propulsion, so just roll wid it...

The key is to be ready to roll. People say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I beg to differ. I rather think that the road to heaven is paved with good intentions. All we can do is "mean well", that is to say 'I am willing but unable', and then good old JC steps in with His Holy Ghost posse and does the rest in us, for us and through us. The Kingdom is brought about by our choice to have good intentions so don't let that ol' idiom get you down, 'tis lies I tells ya!

Amazing Grace

I was thinking yesterday, in one of my motivational moments, some stuff which I was refusing to blog about 'cause I needed to just start applying it... but I am less motivated to work right now so maybe writing it out will rekindle the passion!

I've been getting myself all churned up about if I am messing up God's plan. Like, He has got a really cool escape route mapped out so that I can miraculously be alright in this situation, meet my deadline and get the grade... but I am being an idiot and sitting around waiting for it to happen instead of just writing.

Now, granted some people probably think I am right about that and actually I should just get on with my essay instead of blogging but, even though I doubt it will make a difference to their opinion, I want to state that I genuinely struggle with concentration A LOT. I'm in the middle of being diagnosed with ADHD but the referral is weeks away (I do love the NHS) with all methods other than medication taking far too long to effect change before Friday. A friend asked me if I thought I might be using it as an excuse but actually I really just see it more as an explanation for how my life has always been...

We can talk more about all that some other time. It's been a bit of a journey for me and something I haven't shared partly 'cause of the stigma and this being the internet, partly the not actually having an answer yet. It gives a girl a lot to think about, studying being the least important in comparison to things like social interaction, relationships, identity, healing(?). But I'll leave those stuffs for another time, today I just wanted to vindicate my struggles a little and lay it out on a plate.

So yeah. I don't really know what I can actually do, but I look at a page/screen and panic. I love to write and I have all these ideas and when it is a short piece I can eventually organise it and hone it and make it flow... I know exactly what I want to say and within limitations I can do that. But 5,000 words with a lot of technical details and referencing is a whole other ball game and my perfectionism doesn't know where to begin. Yet surely in this I am messing up every chance that God has to rescue me? I have to do *something*.

Yet again, duh, I am prompted to recall that GOD IS SOVEREIGN. He doesn't actually need me to do anything. In fact, HE LIKES IT WHEN I AM WEAK SO HE CAN SHOW ME HE'S STRONG. How am I supposed to remember my dependency if I am always capable? How am I supposed to get that He loves me if He never has the chance to show me?

Yet again I was being legalistic, thinking I have to reach some kind of threshold of effort before He meets me halfway. If anything of this world depended on what we humans did, well... we kinda see what that looks like don't we? Life is impossible for a reason. Failure imminent without intervention, that we may recognise intervention for what it is and receive it gladly in the shape of True Love.

It takes the flavour out of grace for me to think that what I do matters at all. God reached out to man and made a way (Jesus) and I tell myself that He can only see His plans come through if I work for it? Crazy fool.

So I'm in the library, giving what I can but not giving a damn if what I have isn't enough. It isn't. I read another person's blog this morning. Don't do that much but this guy seems good and I like the sound of his ideals (I say that vaguely 'cause I only know them vaguely!). The article linked above really spoke to me and in case you don't feel like reading someone else on your coffee break I'll sum up the relevant part.

It is looking at the story of David and Goliath and how so many people interpret it: little weak person overcomes some big, scary, technically impossible to beat, "Giant" in their life. Miraculous empowerment of man. He then (and this is the bit that made me go "Oh yeah, duh!") instead describes it thus:
We are little Israelites standing round shitting ourselves with the Philestines surrounding us, doomed. Then a seemingly insignificant and weak nobody steps out from the midst of us and saves us from an impossible Giant so that we can surge forward with a shout, enemy defeated! Miraculous empowerment for man. The analogy here is, of course, Jesus.

How naïve, nay arrogant, to think that we are David when really Jesus is? David didn't need the army of scared and foolish soldiers behind him, he did if for the army so that they would not die.


All that said, an essay is not eternal life and just 'cause I am guaranteed of the second does not mean that the first will come to pass. I cannot claim that in hope I know the full extent of the mind of God and I must remember that my certainty of grace is in the eternal sense and that here and now, finitely, we cannot comprehend the full applications of infinity. That is to say, grace acted out on earth doesn't always look like a gift as we know it (also coming in the shape of lessons, refinement, rebuke etc) and I must be wary that this coursework does not become a "what have you done for me lately" scenario with my idea of grace being pined onto something so subjective.

God likes blessing me and wants the best for me, I can hope assuredly for that... and just ask really nicely that academic success is the way He chooses to administer it!

P.S. I'm not very good at acknowledging grace, I didn't even have a tag for it (only for 'Grace Killers'). I've been too tied up receiving it and applying it to my life to stop and go "Wow" so I reckon this is a lesson that I am well in need of. It's pretty Amazing, isn't it?!

Backtrack

I’m blogging ‘cause I want to. Deal with it. The paper evolved to something more exciting and more manageable which is now on hold because I am having a personal crisis, so I am back. For the time being anyway.

I went on a Christian conference and stopped believing. Worse than that, I went on an Evangelism incentivating weekend and stopped loving others.

We are talking genuinely not caring about unreached people groups.

I wish I could tell you I’m better now but I can’t. I can tell you how I feel about it all though.

Like I’ve lost everything.

I draft this on a Sunday night. On Saturday I felt aflame. I had some wicked bad chats with people I care about over Christmas. Thought I was getting really excited about God’s work in my life and in how he uses/is going to use me. Even at the start of the conference I was like 'ooooh I’m getting encouragement and guidance and lovin’ all this surrender'.

Then in the blink of an eye it was gone. I was in shock. Confused. Crying a lot and just realising that the whole thing was made up. Back in March my best friend stopped being my friend when I first discovered God and said I was always bound to “‘cause I was so miserable all the time.” Oh my goodness 'they have a point' I could suddenly see. In the midst of this I have to go out and do street evangelism which either was a huge success ‘cause God wants to show he can use me in my weakness or out of some irony that it is still about how bloody good I am at approaching randoms and “fulfilling my commission”.

As I realised more and more how I just don’t care like I should about these video clips we are seeing, I must have one by one broken down in front of everyone from my “team”. Great. Now I’m attention seeking.

Later we had a Christian rock band (lol) come and do a gig and all I wanted to do was dance and love it but all I could think was “my bubble has burst and now it is over”. The worst it’s ever been since the start. I eventually ended up talking to my dear friend Grace (so glad of her name!) and the situation came down to thus: I can’t possibly just start believing again by choice ‘cause it will be fake, like I was always afraid it was and had (I thought) worked through the first time. It could be Satan backlashing to good stuff, for example how the evening before I felt I had loads of direction to write a column for the regular student paper (pray if you believe) particularly in this verse, but I can’t assume that either. The joke was that Satan lying to me is the less of two evils (the greater being that it is definitely not real, obviously).

Somehow though, I came to a bit of a point where I could, almost bizarrely, have some semblance of hope. Wrapped in irony and cynicism I concluded that there was a chance this could all be part of God working amazingly in me as a response to certain areas I have been praying about. Particularly given a friend prophesied over me in November that God would drop in really deep foundations of The Word, Hope, Faith and Love that would be incredibly painful ‘cause he wanted to do it quickly so that I was “ready” soon. The first three I have had sort of confirmation over (not that they are finished, obviously, it is always a work in progress) but I was (and still am) battling with the love (not never having it but like it was not consistent to or from me and still had a long way to go, I may explain at greater length another time). It is the greatest of these after all. Last term was not easy but it was not unbearable… and then this weekend the pain started to hit. Wow. The very opposite of love became so true for me.

So when Grace said she felt like God was doing something really deep (which I took with huge amounts of ‘yeah buts’) I shared that other prophecy and she got all excited ‘cause she said that when her sister had a baby recently she wanted it to be quick and the midwife told her it would be much more painful if it was and she just had to not resist the pain and go with it. Grace is certain that’s a word for me – that for this to happen I just need to let it hurt and see the fruit that comes straight after.

What do I think? I dunno, that I have nothing to lose I ‘spose. It’s either gonna be even better than before all this, or the worst thing ever, and both answers require simply waiting. Sure I’ll let it hurt, be it from sheer surrender or because I am too miserable about my life being over to care. Time will tell.

The funny funny thing is that since I got this decision I’ve started being less upset and more cynical. I am now doubting my doubt and think it is me trying to find something exciting in the fact that I am nearly a whole 8 months old and seeing the reality of life instead of the holiday. Yet I can’t make it happen now, even if I am subconsciously faking the pain.

So I’m just waiting for deliverance – ba dum ch. I will still keep some semblance of 'The Life' up of course, not sure how much... I just hope that God’s scale of quick is one that I can relate to. Until then, everything will just have to come with caveats. For example: God is so amazing isn’t he? Or else not at all real that is.

Wouldn’t it be strange if my blog turned non-Christian half way? I wonder what that would do to my hits?


Seriously, a post-script as I publish. I figure either I was totally wrong about all what has happened thus far and am at the brink of it going horribly wrong; or that God is Sovereign and can bring me back 'cause he is faithful even when we aren't. Apparently. There hopes to be a sequel as another day has brought development of sorts but my bed is calling me for now...

I should go to bed but...

I was writing a rough journal and a thought that started forming earlier this evening started forming a bit more and I figured as I was writing it down why not articulate and share. Being in suburban London right now I feel a little cut off from the rest of the world so this way I can pretend I am still in touch.

Can't be arsed to review Christmas just yet. It was good, busy, a big haze of thinking and storing up and pondering but then I suppose that is what the end of the year is for. Mary had the right idea.

What was it from today?

Firstly a circumstance that arose out of a little thing (which had been discussed at lunch in the context of mathematically modelling God's plan - not easy!). Namely a pizza that a friend and I shared and both felt at the end, with our doggie bags, that it was not worth buying such a large one as, since we were back home, dinner was provided. Stupid money that cost (for a student you understand). Ah well, we'll learn. Then on the way home, as I debated munching it anyway before dinner as something to do on the train (instead I got so into this book that I missed my stop and nearly missed it again coming back!), I was convicted to give it to a homeless lady I saw. Thus dealing with several issues at once, not least self-control. But probably most, the importance of acting on what I believe. Not a huge amount, I still can't handle that I fear, but to say that I need to practise what I preach and get down to a little bit of sharing the love and appreciating people, all people, is quite an understatement.

We had a wicked time, I always do with those that aren't bound up in this crappy society; I wonder there is any point coming back to it sometimes. I am already comfortable and indulgent and compromising my actions but a few hours on. One thing that she said, that I had read in the aforementioned book but hadn't expected to see it so clearly and so soon after, was that all the c*nts that were rude, tried to pimp her/buy her, ignore and degraded her... all these people just went to show that the ones that didn't were that much more special. She said that she saw the 1% that was good and that she didn't think many people in London even saw that. Talk about an attitude of gratitude. And such a testimony to how I see evil - the way it is there to contrast against God that we may understand how bloody fantastic He is and choose to love Him. You can't comprehend light until you see the contrast with darkness.

Not the point of this post. The point was this:
She commented on my boots and said that she like them. That she spent a lot of time at street level and so had become quite aware of such things. Then she said that she had spotted me walking past before, 'cause I had quite a distinctive outft on (I was wearing a mixture of furry snow boots, bright red and leopard print I confess) and asked me why I had come back (I did the Levite before I did the Good Samaritan). I didn't tell her it was 'cause I didn't want to get fat munching on the train but it did make me think later... She saw me, standing out in the crowd, I was not just another pair of shoes. I see a lady on the street and I think she is obvious because she is outcast and different but I (despite my outfit choices - these thing are only relevant to the analogy not the message) will merge into the crowd and pass by unnoticed. Eh-eh (imagine gameshow blunder sound). There is no excuse, there is no reason, there is no opting out of that scenario. We cannot blend into the background and pretend that we are not part of that scene, that hustle and bustle; we have been spotted and are implicated whether we like it or not.

I'm going to quote Shane now, quoting yet someone else again, 'cause he is my (and everyone else's at the moment!) new "hero". It won't be as eloquent I warn you now:
Guy says to another guy "I want to ask God why he lets so much poverty and suffering happen in the world but I'm afraid He will ask me the same question back."
We are God's hand and feet on earth now that Jesus isn't here, the body of Christ as it were, so if we see things that need doing, duh, aren't we the instruments to get it done? That last bit was very much in the words of K.B. but the principles run deeper even that S.C. nay twas J.C. Himself.

Blimey. This is some serious shit. We're talkin' 'bout a revolution, sounds, like a whisper.

151 seconds to go...

... till my first Christmas! I am going to blog now, wrap some gifts and open a sneaky pressie from my friend Grace before hanging out the stocking and waiting for Santa. Whose name is oddly like Satan and I wonder if there are some crazy Christians out there who are suspicious of that fact. I wonder if I am one of them! Lol.

So, my thought for Christmas time is this. Elf. I love that film. Prime candidate to see Jesus in. The three rules of elves are as follows:
1) Treat everyday like Christmas
2) There's room for everyone on the nice list
3) The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing out loud for all to hear
If that doesn't scream Christianity I don't know what does.

The interesting thing is that straight after I watched Elf last night I watched Con Air. Also a bit of a classic and a total story about a Joseph type character stuck in prison but persevering with lots of feel good sacrifice and at least one reformed character who was changed (I like to think) by the simple "He's got the whole world in His hands" song and find himself free and starting afresh at the end of the film. A wonderful line: "I'm going to show you that God does exist", what a joy.

Elf and Con Air... quite different. Like the facets of God really. The first consistent feature is that they both have a character called Francisco; the second in the current of Hope. Watch them this Christmas and look out for Jesus.

To Eat or not To Eat, that is the question...

Fasting: this is really good to do. I have had amazing success in fasting for the purpose of seeing breakthrough in prayer. I have had amazing connections with God and hearing His still small voice. I have also had absolutely awful experiences, some when my attitude has been wrong, some when it has been right and I don't know why.

I was fasting through Advent and treating it like a Lent period for me. I thought it was a really good idea. Thing is I am trying to pray for different people every day like and really want good cheer and hope to be spread through this season and be for life, not just for Christmas. So my advent calender is a list of 24 different people and I decided to do a fast until Christmas eve.

I especially thought it was a good idea given that Christmas is a season for lack of self-control and I notoriously have this (as I have shared before) and want to work on it in all areas of my life. So I figured showing discipline in eating is a good way to go about it and would bring me closer to God in this season and deal with something that sometimes gets in the way.

How is fasting for me? Some people say it is about being hungry so they remember to pray. I get that, I do it, but it isn't the main thing. I think the best way I understood fasting was that by not giving in to you fleshly demands of hunger you can somehow get out of this physical mindset and be in a place that can get closer to God by tapping into your spiritual side more. I know that's vague and feel free to correct or expand or whatever...

So anyway, when a friend was doing a lunch fast on the 1st December it just felt right to do it too. Then to carry it on till the 24th... Right?

The thing I hate about humanity is fickleness. How can we be so sure of what we want or what we think we have to do one minute and then the next be completely confused by how wrong it suddenly seems. I get so much comfort out of knowing that at least God gets me 'cause so much of the time I really don't!

First day it was great. Second day I was like, OK, there is a difference between enduring hunger and being too weak to concentrate on my studies. Plus I was not eating day time but getting to the evening and being really really hungry so having big dinners; and also thinking "I need energy for the day so I'll have a big breakfast". Which ended up looking like it had the potential to become a binge-starve-binge sandwich (or not!) and defo not what it was all about. I have a tendency to do things to extremes but I knew this was not good so I decided on day 3 that, though it had been really successful it was not prolong-able, and I would have a fast involving disciplined regular meals and being really strict with myself. Lol, you'll love this, I told my friend in an email:

"I am now doing a 'no snacking or seconds or unneccesarily eating etc' fast as it was starting to feel a bit legalistic."

Now, am I right or am I right that this statement epitomises legalism?!

No snacks, seconds, cake, treats, fun... friends, pleasures, comfort, central heating, nice clothes... hell I should just go live in a cave and pray.

That drove me mad. Suddenly I wasn't even sure when I was allowed to eat. I didn't know if my hunger was hunger or if it was seeking comfort or gratuitous pleasure in food. It felt like I was damned if I do and damned if I don't. I didn't think about it much till after I got my presentation finished on the 4th day [Thank God so much I got that done - it was pushed to the far edge of available time but my ability to eventually concentrate was nothing short of miraculous and it feels like God is growing my faith in such things by leaving me wholly dependent on Him to help me.] but then, suddenly, I was like "What now?". Can I have half an hour of peace, maybe a nice lunch, before I get into the discipline? Am I allowed a biscuit with my tea if I'm still hungry or is it only dry bread? Argggggghhhh! I was tired, I was stressed, nothing was right because legalism vs consumerism is not a pretty fight and so I went to bed till my sister came round after work. Granted I needed it after an early start and 5 hours straight of Philosophy of Maths (!) but going to sleep to avoid dilemmas is probably not what Jesus what have done.

So where am I now? Apart from extremely grateful that C could step up and be wise and supportive and helpful when I needed it? Living each day in God and not forcing a thing I suppose. Remembering that He said really clearly there is no condemnation. I suppose my rule (which is something I've heard and heard and heard and not absorbed then suddenly it just became real to me) for how to live an "extreme" (nay any) spiritual life is:

Only do what I want to do and learn to love God more so that my desires reflect His heart. Then it should all be easy.

Easy is as easy does. Anything's easy if He is our strength (some verses in Isaiah, 2 Corinthians, Matthew). I can't even have a cup of tea without.

SIN

The dirty word.

We all talk about it, we all do it (well I think so) and in a lot of the circles I move we all feel bad about it (eventually anyway)...

But what is it?

It could be easy to say that at some point in the church's history the human element took over and tried to control the world, money, politics etc by the power of guilt. In a sense this is fairly true. I've been getting involved with Agapé a bit this term. One of my flatmates before I lived in GVA worked for them and when I got back it suddenly fitted incredibly well with, well, with me. I have this darling friend who works for them called Grace and she took me out last week evangelising with her...! Yes, it is as mental as it sounds. Basically, three times a week they make a point of each going out into coffee shops and approaching people to talk to them about God. They get all kinds of reactions but one of the main aims is to ensure that they themselves stay a bit out of their comfort zone... I loved it. Well, I mean the scariness of "the approach" aside I really enjoy talking to strangers and having something to do it about is pretty fun (as long as I'm not feeling insecure 'cause obviously the coin would be somewhat flipped then). What is my point with this? Other than how good a Christian I am...? We spoke for over an hour to 4 student girls who all basically think that the church judges too harshly, that the pope is crap (I'm not going to start an interdenominational riot - Satan would bloody love that), that Christianity condemns them for things they really don't see as bad and that it just isn't right that people who don't commit horrific crimes should go to hell. The postulated idea was to have an atheists room for anyone that missed the point with God but weren't evil.

And I found myself apologising for the way they have percieved Christ. Taking some kind of responsibility for Christianity that got it wrong, were corrupt, didn't make it clear and allowed this to become a common view in culture today. Even this afternoon I was thinking about how sad it is that one of my "jobs" as a Christian is to try and undo the damage that "The Church" has done in it's past.

But you know what? I am fed up of this. I don't want to keep apologising for how "We" got it wrong. Human error aside, pure corruption acknowledged, the vast amount of Christians over history have been very sincere and were acting within their own social context. Why should I stress about people feeling condemned when they are??

Yes. This is my judgement post. You think I've been bad before, you ain't seen nothing yet. All over the world Christian's and non-alike (I am sad to confess) are being really really rubbish. Then, to top it all off, they are pretending that it is OK. THEN, just because it isn't bad enough they turn around to the laws of God and the people that try and follow them and have a go for condemnation.

WE DESERVE CONDEMNATION.

Think about it. If God is this purely loving being that wants to see the whole world alight with joy and fullfillment in him then you tell me that even just in your own personal relationships you treat the people you care about with proper love all the time and never slag them off or get annoyed or act selfishly or anything like that... you would be lying. We don't even have to call it God, we can see it as the "goodness in humanity" or some "power" or "greater force". I know TONS of people that think 'friends and family' are the thing that life is about. That is, Relationships. That is, Love. Well, for me that is what I call God. Yet anyone that sees life as having purpose greater than physical wealth still messes up in the pursuits of these "important" things.

Then of course there is the bigger picture. Beyond selfish behaviour and broken relationships we live in a consumer driven lifestyle that is destroying the planet and the most vulnerable people on it. Be it high street shops that use all-too-cheap cheap labour in India to unfairly traded chocolate that uses child slaves that have been stolen or bought on the Cote d'Ivoire. There's been a recent campaign which involves having fondue parties to raise awareness of this issues, I went to my third last night(!) and it takes this much to force me to change one thing on a list of hundreds I do that don't love this planet and these people like I theoretically want to. And I am begrudging as I have to give up Oreos. AND my first reaction was that it is a marketing ploy to sell more "Fairtrade" products. I am a BAD person.

Not one of us is guilt free.

Not one of us can justifying saying to the most perfect source of life and love on this planet (whoever He/She/They/It may be) that we deserve to go to a room for mediocre people because we didn't really see what we do wrong up close and personal and it wasn't that extreme. There is no ratio between 0-bad and a-little-bit-bad. If you had to fit into one category and the choice was perfect or imperfect which would you be?

I think it's high time we stopped telling people that the church doesn't condemn them. I personally condemn each and every member of society and think it's high time they stopped the apathy and started condemning themselves.

Maybe then people will GET why Jesus is so bloody important.

Unnamed Poem

I found this poem I wrote a coupla weeks ago. Kinda at this point when I was a) sitting in Starbucks struggling to get any work done, and b) questioning how sincere I felt about the call to "reach" people as something other than academically discernible. Which is something I touched upon in my last post I think. So I kinda started thinking about what it's like to not have Jesus and I'm not being condescending here, I can remember. I don't suppose it feels the same for everyone but I guess what I'm saying is that this is a valid account for at least one person. Thus follows the as-yet-unnamed poem (Aside: after I wrote it I managed to get quite a lot of work done which was cool):

You’re living a life from hell
Ideals designed to keep you down
In the dark, cold, lonely place
Terrified look on your face
Never enough
These thoughts from the depths
Keep you there daily
A struggle to find truth
Joy quashed by bitter faded dreams
Life is not what you thought it should be
You have made your bed, clearly see the road ahead
Garish lamps light the way
Down
Deceive yourself what you know well
Can’t conceive of going to hell
But yet, there you are now

What is it like to live in fear?
Hating everything, even those near
Even you
Pushing through
The gloom
When lighter shadows are the best you can get
In between the dark regret
A moment that seems what life is about
Till once again the lights go out

I am there
Watching
It hurts so bad to see you sad
I cannot bear to know that you do not know I care
What to do?
How can I get through the cloud you choose?
Though you do not realise the alternative
There is more than this
This is not it.
The pain
To know I love in vain
That in a moment all hope will be lost
The choice will be taken, eternity to pay the cost
I cannot cope with the idea
I must do something
Loud
Drastic
That lasts across the years

Are you listening?
I LOVE YOU
I’ll come right now and tell you
Why do you not want to hear such truth?
The best news yet fear conquers all
I’ll shout louder
You’ll fight harder
Do you not know this hurts me so?
I am your biggest fan
Yet you always look to man

I’ll show you
A picture speaks a thousand words
The ultimate visual aid
Our pain, demonstrated, in My Father’s name
Watch me reel
Writhing
The worst you know before your eyes
Plus what you cannot see inside
This is how it felt to see you suffer my child.
The lights go out
As the world acknowledges what has gone down in this place
The King of all in such disgrace
All so you can my know His grace

The son rises
And the sun rises
Chasing the shadows away
Having born all the grief from all your deeds
You are free to greet the day!
I suffered because I love you
See that it is true
And EVERYTHING you know will be made new…

A collection of Arbitrary Thoughts

"The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one." - George Bernard Shaw
- doesn't mean beer doesn't exist though, does it?

I'm shamelessly stealing the post one friend made to another on facebook today. What can I say, sometimes an original thought is just not as good as a copied one. Anyway, who says there is such a thing as original thought? And if you don't believe me look at the cyclicity of catwalks. I just wonder what it will be like when we get to heaven - is that why we are going to wear robes of righteousness? They want everyone in the same thing so that the fashion industry doesn't go insane over the course of eternity.

Time is of the essence these days as I challenge myself on waste. Whilst it's true that one has to be careful not to fill up one's time excessively and end up missing out on what is really important, as I look at all the crazycool things I want to do (least of all finish my degree) I find myself aware that there is a lot of time in my life that is not spent wisely and which if so could be put to such uses. So that has been something I am working on. I mean, I can't really say I don't have time to feed homeless people 'cause of my studies when what I really mean is I don't have time to feed homeless people 'cause it takes me an hour to get dressed every day, I can't go into a supermarket without wandering round aimlessly for at least half an hour and possibly not buying anything, I have a midday change 'cause I get bored of what I am wearing, I don't know what to have for dinner, I write down everything that goes through my head (that one is getting better mind), I spend ages on facebook and other internet based blackholes and generally waste such a lot of time on indecisive behaviour that I can barely fit my studies in around it. I reckon I can save 2 hours a day easily, which translates into lots of productivity in potentia.

We so often talk about being stewards of the money that God gives us but I think time is our most precious resource. We can't earn it or borrow it or be gifted it (excepting of course when God wants to make something really cool happen) or store it up. Everyone has a equal amount and it is something we can all offer back to God the same. So I am trying to do that with mine a bit.

I have had an AMAZING second half to my day; full of direction, vision, revelation, healing and generally great stuff. I don't want to spend time expanding on that now when I have bed to be sleeping in, reading to get done and generally time to be stewarding so I'll leave you with a couple more collected thoughts and fill you in when I next schedule some BGB QT.

I'm fed up of wishing people good luck. It is what we say naturally 'cause of one of those foolish human semantical bollocks things. I don't believe in it and hate that sometimes it just seems like the obvious thing to say. E.g. I can't come out I have an exam tomorrow. Oh, good luck with that! "Blessings" sounds really serious and a bit patronising, particularly with non-Christians. So I have decided on God luck. Like when something is a God idea but with luck. Looks like it could be a spelling mistake and makes me feel less like a hyprocrite. OK, so a *little* bit cheesy perhaps but this is me after all... Watch out for it people, I'll be exercising that one!

Been talking a fair amount about teleportation. The little know miracle of the New Testament and very very cool. That is my most sought after spiritual gift (after optional invisibility that is)...

Anyway. I just spent too much time looking up the miraculous movement incident in the Old Testament that involved being carried by an eagle from the hair and I think that, for the sake of my not wasting time policy, I will leave this unfinished and a bit confusing and hope you love me anyway. I don't think, having looked, that it really happened - I only heard about it third party afterall... Shame, I was going to steal another joke about Old Covenant and New Covenant teleportation.

Jumping on other people's comedy bandwagon as it were. That's one of those "is it an inny or an outy?" phrases in't it. From the bible or not that is. "Word or turd?" when talking to post-16's. It's not exactly a concept foreign to us Christians. My whole life is built upon jumping on the bandwagon of a 2000 year old lowly bastard Jewish carpenter that had a penchant for rebellion. How he made his ideas stick around so long and spread so very very far and wide across time and culture I'll never know. It's almost as if something out of the ordinary was going on...

Get Over It

My boiler is playing up. Which is basically resulting in no heating and lukewarm showers. And winter is coming. And it is colder here than in Geneva so I can attribute a slight shock of return as well.

So I have been struggling gallantly through. I still shower as often as ever, I just shiver a lot more and complain and tell myself it is all for a good lesson and some people have it a lot harder this time of year. Then I sit around grumpy 'cause I haven't warmed up yet and spend lots of time on facebook. I discovered I have two extra hours before my seminar, so why not waste them too?

I didn't even think about praying for hot water. That would be too easy. Yet I also didn't take seriously my thought that it was cold so I can learn empathy (*incidentally* something I have prayed for recently 'cause I am quite good at "being autistic" and not noticing other people - I realised this lately when a friend was sharing a prayer request and I was like "Kat(i)e duh they've said this before but you really didn't process did you?" then cut across the next person to add my own request in!).

So the plan is to actually pray for my boiler. Then, if it stays cold to stop my grumpy act. I really haven't got a leg to stand on when it comes to being unfortunate and I have more than enough jumpers to get me through. We in The West (not the South West mind but the Western world) wash too much anyway - it's consumerism and all their ploys for shiny hair, supple skin, nice nails and a perfect complexion.

Kneel to Jesus. Two fingers to The Man.

(I didn't publish that post yet did I? I have more to say about 'The Man', watch this space...)

Huzzah!

I'm online... and I've got a lot to say... but right now I have to go out...

Still, I just spoke to my dear French teacher (now my phone package has kicked in too I can make foreign calls) about seeing her next week in Geneva and she said such a sweet thing I have to share:

I told her how fabulous it has all been since I got back which truly is true, and how happy I am, and she said that when a girl speaks like that it sounds like she is in love... and I'm not! Which is great!!

It really is great because what that means is I am feeling the classic elation of that without the tension of it being dependent on another human being. Or more importantly I am feeling it because of God which means in some way I am getting to where I want to be - putting my First Love first and finding my contentment in Him. Falling in love with Jesus.

I think I'm going to have to go read Song of Solomon again now. I will post more later if I can (lots in the pipeline) but I just like that the day before I come back to La Suisse (or go back I should rather say) I have this encouragement over the direction I am going in; that is to say forward and closer to God.

Huzzah indeed.

P.S. I hope I don't sound all proud and holy, :-S I just get so excited when I feel like I am making progress and God is all affirming about it...

Jesus is my Boyfriend, how about you?

I love the biblical book Song of Songs (though do have a question about it: I thought I had made a mistake when I called it Song of Solomon t'other day but now I think actually it is a translation thing and can be either - am I right or wong?). Aside from being hilarious in parts it has become to me an excellent way of realising the 1st love over the 2nd love. You can even start reading it with the girly ideals of husbandness (which shock horror I have felt on occasion) and get to the realisation that God is the one who does all that really good wooing and fulfilling. Tis really quite special, if you can look past the mental metaphors.

As a women I do feel I can relate rather well to the idea of being the bride of Christ. Nay, in line with the apparently classic North American teenage Christian teaching, I can quite happily consider Him to be my boyfriend for now (don't get me started on where the lines are in that relationship)! But I am all preprogrammed to seek a relationship with Mr Perfect... My question is, how do men do that?

Love and Lies in the COOP Carpark

I am learning Romanian.

Luckily it is quite similar to French. I hope to be able to have a bit of a conversation with my fat friend who sits outside the COOP sometime before I leave.

I know it sounds pretty judgmental, but when she tells me she has 4 children and a dead husband it sounds so convenient. I mean, that's a great testimony for a beggar lady, right? Perfect sob story. OK, that last paragraph sound terrible and it was mostly designed to shock. My point here is, apart from the fact that I am a bit of a bitch and too tired to know if this is pushing the boundaries too much, I don't tend to believe people that are asking me for money on the street.

But, the thing is. It is OK if they lie. Infact, it is OK if anyone lies to me. I am not going to mind and my default position will probably be to believe you even if it is ridiculous. I don't mind the fact that I am gullible. The decision I have come to is this: as long as it won't break my heart I don't have a problem believing you. That extends to personal safety I suppose but is far less day to day. The point is, I don't have time or right to judge and question everything someone says. If it is important I will do so, else feel free. My hope is to try and show love to people despite whether they are being honest or kind of anything else like that. So feel free to scam me out of money or time or anything else I don't value spiritually. I will still feel like I was doing my bit as Jesus-the-first-time-round and you can take the crap when He comes back.

Plus, I kinda feel like if I learn Romanian they will find it harder to lie to me. I mean, everyone has a level of guilt right? I am just trying to tap into their; play them at their own game!

Seriously though. Beggars are people too and I am trying to get past my capitalist middle class attitude that gets pissed at a system that will never really shit on my affluent parade 'cause I will never really have any problems in that area and if I did, maybe I'd appreciate the help. I think that we are all identical particles put into different forcefields and shooting in a multitude of directions. Who knows what their next resultant force will be...?

Carrots vs Confusion

When it comes to carrots things are pretty easy. You can eat them whole or in sticks, boiled steamed or stir fried, long or round, grated in a salad, dipped in a dip, curried or mashed, as soup or even juiced. I have tried quite a few of these already (I would estimate my carrot intake today to be 6 but I am persevering for more) and intend to make my way through them all.

But there are so many ways to be a Christian, and not all of them are compatible at all. Recently my biggest issue is to do with things of a "spiritual" nature. I use speech marks not 'cause I am being patronising but 'cause lots of things are of a spiritual nature and I am trying to differentiate about issues of demons and angels and all that jazz.

This I think can be demonstrated by the following example, taken from a conversation I was having this afternoon. Satan. Now, fortunately I started the sentence with the name which meant I didn't have to face the question of whether or not it ought to be capitalised. I read a post on Stuff Christian's Like (which is a pretty cool blog when I get round to reading it. You know how some people are more listeners and some more talkers, well I am a blog writer rather than reader... make your mind up what that says about having a conversation with me!) ages ago about this once but I couldn't find it again to give you the link. It doesn't really matter 'cause my feelings on it are much less formed and I am more confused than amused.

The question is, does it give more recognition to the devil (that is not a proper noun so I can rest easy) to capitalise the 'S' or to forsake accuracy for the sake of reducing the value of the word?

And that is where I am at. I am a pretty open minded lady and I have no problem believing in a spiritual realm that overlaps with the physical. We are physical beings and as such there is an effect from the unseen on the seen. I also think there is an effect from the seen on the unseen that my frustration a few days ago is testimony to (see 10 Things I Hate About [insert just about anything here right now]), where my tiredness and unbalanced body left me verging on a depressive episode and I really had to slow down and recoup whilst at the same time praying God's rule over my life (seeing as I had inadvertently let this slip when I was physically under par (isn't that a good thing is golf? What a funny expression.)).

But then I wonder, can we give too much space to worrying about what Satan can do? I mean, call him satan and you are recognising that you are not comfortable to the point of compromising grammar, leaving space for a fear of attack - and we all know that God in the only one to fear.

Words are powerful. But then, so is God. I think He is more powerful so I have nothing to fear... right...?

There exist so many different ideas and, unlike ways to serve carrots, some of them have to be wrong. Like, can we say or do things that bring down 'badness' on our lives? Do generational curses still exist? Or is it all covered by the blood of Jesus without any further issue except perhaps in the most extreme cases? And what is a most extreme case anyway...?

It makes me, as a scientist, very uncomfortable. I want evidence and as I may have mentioned before it took a huge step of faith to accept, well faith. My only axiom is the bible/The Bible and I don't even know the grammatically-spiritually correct way to write that. Do I next have to start accepting/rejecting all sorts of other theologies that I can't see explicitly answered therein? For now at least I just can't do it, so I'm gonna stick with God's love and The Word and hope/trust that by giving my days to Him I am covering all my bases.

I wish it was all about carrots.

P.S. Input welcome at this point by the way...

No clever heading today, I am all titled out. This post is about what I did today and, yet again, how God was cool. You don't have to read it.

I am tired and hungry but I don't care. Right now all I want to do is write about how cool my day was!

I went to the Jardin de Montbrilliant which was pretty much the same as ever but with an extra person volunteering, under the blanket of engaGE. That is, you feel like you want to do more but the ladies are very much in control and it's hard to know what is needed. I heard from my street musician friend that he was asked to stop playing the other week (when I had been encouraging him) and that makes me a bit mad. Why does a grumpy French lady even want to stop people being joyful - the atmosphere visibly lifted when there was music in the place. Maybe she works there 'cause they make her feel less crappy about herself and to see them having fun means she feels bad again. It is a shame. It has made me realised (eventually) that the staff are just as in need of help as the people that go, more some of them; better pray harder. It was doubly disappointing when one little man said to me 'what about some music' (or a close Frenchy translation) and he really wanted me to sing but I felt like it would get frowned upon. The more I do, the more bitterness seems to come from this particular woman. Kinda suppressing the vision a bit.

But we're not going to let that stop things. In the name of engaGE (ok, see the website for an explanation, they are doing stuff in JdeM so this week I going with them) my friend (from breakfast yday) is coming with a guitar and we will sing and they can say nothing. Then I am going higher to get permission to do that once a week, if all goes well. Strange to realise there is such a real blockage there, I was kinda ignoring it/ignorant of it 'til today.

Anyway. That is progress and interesting. Then I planned to go to Voix Libres again for the afternoon until YAGs. And guess what, all 3 of my Jamaican friends came and helped! We set up a production line and got 28 boxes done, whilst all the time having the best conversations about God, Rastafarianism, world politics... and so the list goes on. We sang some gospels songs and they taught me one that goes "Real, real, real..." (I forget most of it but it is really good) and just, well, it was GREAT! One of them went off and returned with another person, joking that he was trying to recruit as many as I had. They were laughing at the fact they were there, "We don't even normally work for money!" was the line. They surprised themselves and you know, I could tell that every one of them was fulfilled by the experience of actually being useful and appreciated; yet I think I may have been the most blessed of the lot.

It was particularly great as I had spoken to one of the organisers that morning who was trying to get things together for scheduling and did not know that people had been to VL the day before, nor that anyone was going that day either. As it turned out, I was one of these 5 plus a new guy to EBCG who turned up 'cause Sara sent out an email the night before. It was great to see the situation turn around and, well, just how many people were being touched by God's fabulous creation.

I will never forget sitting round that table with Bob Marley blaring out and having one guy say to me that I was the first white person he'd known that was really into God. Maybe this sounds really vain of me to share (I for one know it means he's not met many white folk, and certainly not the ones I have), but still, I can't help but love that He is shining out of me enough that my new friend saw it. And if we don't share the good stuff God is doing in our lives for fear of immodesty then how can we glorify Him to each other? God made me be into Him and then helped me share it; I for one see it as such an Almighty (lit.) alteration that I know I am not the one responsible. Alors, to worry about humility is a sneak Satan clause that I'm not going to gratify.

Oh and note of warning. When life is this exciting you (or at least I) can't avoid the hype. Quit caffeine OK, but I'll have to quit Jesus to stop getting excited. That, or let a few years pass by and deaden the senses. You will tell me if that ever happens, right? Point me back here and say Kat(i)e of 2008 would never have stood for it. Complacency is one of my biggest concerns. Any thoughts?

Now... to satisfy the other urgent needs of sardines on toast and slumber.

JC 7-11

Like JC 24/7, but less radical.

I was having a conversation with a friend today about a secular educational trip thingy they did called JC24. I though it sounded amusingly religious and thus ensued a comical chat about JC huit à huit (the French type) and, far more fluid, JC 7-11.

But don't you find that it is a very familiar concept? Or is that just me. I mean, sometimes when I am alone with myself, and God is there but it is too hard to pay attention what with all the distracting temptations of mind take precedent, I am being a JC 7-11. Open in the majority, definitely convenient but 1/3rd of the time I have to take a break.

Something else I discovered today.... Not all Oreos are chocolate covered! Now, call me naïve but shouldn't they be?

So that is my thought for the moment. Why not go all the way and have the chocolate coating? That is how they are meant to be and how they are at their best. It's still an Oreo without the thick layer of chocolatey goodness but it's not nearly as tasty. And doesn't it say "Taste and see that the Lord is good."? [OK, this only makes sense if you have read this.]

There are so many areas of my existence that Christian living has not even had the chance to be expressed. I mean, Britain for a start! I have spent a sum total of 22 hours there since 'the change' and who knows what it will be like to move back and let It permeate my life there. I haven't even driven a car as a Christian yet. Maybe I'll be more careful...?

I hope so.

Yesterday was the first day of the non-contract period of my life here. Bizarrely I realised I feel suddenly different. I feel like I am a visitor. A very happy visitor indeed who cares a lot about the people here, wants to come back for holidays and loves the fact that she is in town for the summer; but a visitor that is thinking quite a lot about the colour of her kitchen at home. That's the thing, I know I will be going back and, whilst unexpected, I am glad that I feel like I will be at home in England. There was the risk that given how much my life had changed whilst here, I was going to feel out of place on return. Yesterday at YAGs we had an international evening where we each took a dish (I chose fruit salad, as in garden party... tenuous but I have tried and failed at scones once already!) and shared a little about our country of origin. After all the Americans, Canadians and South Africans had sung their national anthems I felt like we should have a turn, so me and Sara led them in the first verse of 'God Save The Queen'! I tell you what, I was kinda proud. (Not of anything in particular, but isn't that the nature of pride?!) I definitely still got my Brit :-)

So, I am excited and confident about le prochain chapitre. How can I not be, with the Oreos (chocolated coated I pray) waiting for me. And a 24-hour ASDA...

Returns Policy

First off, sorry about all the Christianity. I mean, not sorry per say but I am supposed to be writing a blog so that my friends can keep up with what I am up to and, well, I have non-Christian friends that I try and not talk to constantly about God so this one-sided conversational mechanism should reflect that. I will make more of an effort to include 'profane' anecdotes I promise!

Thus follows a long post with a vaguely spiritual feel and a strong I-wrote-this-when-I-should-be-in-bed feel...

I am very busy at the moment. Many ideas for blogs and no time to write!

However, I do not feel rushed or frantic in anyway. God has granted me the real gift of peace this last week and a half. The first week from my return I got so carried away and excited that I forgot to stop and just hang out with Jesus. It was one of the things I learnt when I was traveling and yet so quick to forget... Last weekend I was reminded of this and starting the following week (23rd) in a attitude of chillax was great. Someone very wise gave me some good advice on the Sunday which I have been following (or trying) and it really does help:
When God gives you something, give it back.
We are so used to the idea of giving up things for Jesus, or giving our grievances to Him; but remember the lady that prayed for a baby then gave Him to the priest (Samuel's mum?)...? Well when God gives us things, ideas, opportunities etc we can/should to say to Him "Ok, thanks, now here you go you decided what to do with this." Not opting out, just giving God control of what is going on.

This attitude totally transformed how I felt towards the choir. I would still go to lunch and be apprehensive (the French ladies who run that place are scary), there would still be exciting things followed by sudden blockages; but I was a lot more at ease. It was nice. It was also very inkeeping with what I feel this summer is about - spending time with God, learning as much as I can and enjoying life before I go back to England. In a spirit of The Kingdom yes but not with a push to get stuff done. This is the holiday season! [The work is sure to follow...]

And many blessings are coming along. Today I made a new friend and spent all afternoon with a hilarious Philadelphian vagabond (in his own words) who may or may not have been Bi-polar but was definitely cool. I am connecting with such wonderful people at the kitchen and the opportunities to talk about Jesus with them, or just share some of His love, seem copious. This is what it is about. Some big adventure which looks cool and seems spectacular is not how God is glorified, that is how men are glorified and His ways are different - the next thing I learnt--

--From the angle of stress I was doing much better but I think I had inadvertently developed the mindset that the reason a music project may not happen (we don't know but it is looking less likely in an official capacity... there is however a fantastic outreach project in Geneva next week called engaGE and there is some scope there perhaps) is 'cause that was too big and unfeasible for me and God wants to use people who know what they are doing (more exciting developments... the Salvation Army are looking for a choir master (!) and my friend who has been helping me would be perfect so it could well happen after all and anyway the long term nature of the project makes that much more fitting) and could handle something that cool so I was only entrusted with feeding them (had been letting this develop into a bit of a general mindset of big exciting things not happening to me which is another mistaken attitude but too long for this post)... Now. Duh. Apart from the fact that we are called to be servants and all that jazz (quite a big Duh) is the idea that when we are living out God's plans it is not a compromise or a reflection of how good we are or aren't. It is the perfect thing for us. We are not chosen for things 'cause that is all He has for us, it is WHAT He has for us. His ways are not our ways, His plans are higher than ours (see Isaiah 55 for a proper version, that was given to me by someone the other day and is SO relevant) and when I live in accordance with surrendering to Him what I am doing is the best it can be.

So in this I have even more peace. I am happy to let go of worrying about how to make things happen (especially in the light that it is being started up elsewhere), loving every minute of discovering His ways and enjoying how not a day goes by when in the evening I am not delighted at the fantastic experiences I have just had. I am becoming less and less surprised as I realise God has every moment in His will. I make the strangest friends; leave my phone in the stupidest places and then meet people by finding it; have the most enlightened and blessed conversations and find the coolest stuff in the street on the way home! Life with God is far more exciting that on my own. My weeks are at their best when the schedule is empty, 'cause He has one that is full of delight!

Tomorrow morning I am off swimming with a family from church and then... the world is His oyster. I'm sending it all straight back from whence it came, He takes much better care.

Sorry about all the parenthesis, they are my favourite punctuation (after exclamation marks!) but I should learn better grammar (and also write less late at night)...

Sommat else about Discernment

I was going to reply to Nate's comment on my last entry but I thought I would make a post of it seeing as my morning 'fellowship' so easily ties in with a response. Almost as though it were planned...

I went to see a friend from church this morning who lives in a village just outside Geneva. They have such an idyllic life in the country and the balcony overlooks the school where her two boys go (who are adorable by the way!). We spent the morning planning for the 'kid spot' on Sunday's service - teaching them a song about Obedience. It's fun but I feel a little bit hypocritical - O B E Y obey your mum and dad! She has a great lesson planned to go with it so should be ace. We also talked about the holiday bible club that may be happening. Yet another wait to see what God wants...

And she said something to me that was really encouraging. We were talking about listening to God and whatnot and she reiterated what countless people have said to me recently and which, in true human fashion, is taking much repetition to fix so that I can recall it on my own and take heed: what He wants us to do is be like Jesus.

That statement always seems so sweeping and belittling of the details doesn't it? All God cares about is you being like Him, the shape of your life doesn't really matter, is not significant. But that is not the case at all. The plan is that by being more like Jesus we will start to think like Him. Our desires will align with God's desires and from that we will know what He says about the details. I thought I said it in another post but I forgot to... when I mentioned John 10 in Coffee and Sacraments it was 'cause I had been given that verse by a couple of great mentors who were encouraging me about listening to God's voice by getting to know Him better. I glossed over it in my blog and it appears I missed the point as well since I needed to relearn the lesson. Get to know His voice. What better way to know what someone is thinking than trying to live a life that is in accordance with their desires? Only from that point can The Word (that is Christ, also the good shepherd) be discerned from the Wolves.

I wanted to respond to the comment with a "Well, great for those that can hear it but I'm sticking to what is written down, I've made too many mistakes trying to discern the will of God" but today, for some reason or coincidence, I was in a conversation that encouraged me to not give up just yet. Yeah, Bible GREAT and not to be overlooked on a daily basis, as well as a good way to check if what you hear is in line with Him. But hold true to the promises that He is there to light the path. I mean, the very fact that He is putting people in my life to be wise shows that He speaks in other ways doesn't it...?

There is still the question of is the door is really shut yet? I am not sure how to answer that, but it is being asked so I suppose I will have to give it some prayerful/bible reading thought. This morning I was going to catch a tram and I had three minutes to just cross the street and get on, so I was being leisurely. I know my time was right 'cause it was set by the Swiss transport system. Then the b*st*rd (token gesture as it's before the watershed) left early; as I was pushing the button no less and someone else had just got on. I was in such a fluster, having already been rushing that morning, and I flung my hands up in despair and wanted to cry and give up. Watching it pull away I wandered down the street a little as I didn't want to stand there waiting. It had stopped at a light... I had caught it once before by running to the next stop but I'd had a better headstart then... it was hot, I was wearing a dress and partially broken flip flops (thongs!)... I needed that tram - shoes off and I sprinted. Could not cross the street and found myself dashing down the tracks in hot pursuit (literally, that tarmac was not soothing) and I did just about make it. The risk of being left a second time did not bear thinking about but as I got on the satisfaction was in the conquest. I showed that tram driver, I showed him good.

So, do I fling my hands up in defeat or run to the next stop and see if I am really too late?

Hmmm, what to do now?

So. This morning I gave my day to God. It's easier I find. When you have lots on He is there, coordinating the diary and making things fall into place with as much blessing as possible. When there is not a lot on I like it even more. I think this is because I am naturally adverse to inactivity; it leaves me feeling a bit directionless. But with Him in control I am learning that nothing happening is just a chance to spend time together uninterrupted. Not always easy but definitely good.

Well, that said it's not like I was not busy today. Just slightly less. I went to my last music lesson in the morning and spent the afternoon recording some songs with Caro. Quite fun musically, I rather think this summer may be heavy on the tunes which is good :-). I went on a bit of a wild goose chase around midday to take a Bob Marley CD back to Lindell which gave me some time to think. I don't know about you but I have a bit of a tendency to be busy in order that thinking doesn't have to happen... I found myself in a tired, hungry, stressed situation whereby all I wanted to do was be miserable and feel let down and dwell on self-pitying issues. These are some of my major temptations and it is hard to avoid this type of 'sin' when the only witness is you. And God obviously, but He is a given. It's times like that that I understand why people drink/smoke/eat/shut down emotionally. It is hard being with yourself 24/7. Pleasantly surprising though, we talked it through and I came out feeling alright actually. Good thing I prayed when I got up, couldn't have done that in my own strength. It reminded me once again how big the struggle is: I'm in a constant fight against temptation and a bad mindset is such an easy one to fall for. Thorn in the flesh, OK, still: doesn't make it easier does it? On the way home however, I was reading my bible (my headphones are too broken to use so it is all I have to do on the bus!) and I rerealised for the umpteenth time that it is full of some good shit. Kinda puts things into perspective.

Then tonight I went to watch the football at Plainpalais fanzone. Well, I'd done it in Vienna, it had to happen for completeness. I was a bit tired and could have gladly stayed home, watched Eastenders and blogged a little, but boy am I glad I went. Lavanya (my darling Indian friend who was born in the wrong country for sure - rebel at heart and intolerant of heat!) is a big fan of sporting events and knows a lot about the game. She also knows a lot about the bible. As we left (thoroughly disappointed by the 3-0 Spain-Russia result) we had a good long Jesus chat and I love it when I hear His voice coming at me from the people I am with. Our meeting may have been last minute for me but as we talked I knew that this time had been penciled in by my wholly reliable Secretary (not meant as a belittling description, just observing one of the many qualities of God) long ago. She reminded me in a stark and obvious way how important The Word is. There is so much to remember about this faith (well, not a lot in the sense that Salvation is pretty straightforward but everything after that seems pretty complicated) I had quite forgotten how intrinsic reading the Bible is. It makes sense. There is no way that an invisible (well, for the most part) God can communicate with us securely otherwise. Voices and images are subject to question and interpretation and just plain wrongness. Written down and unchanging, checkable and validatable; the Bible is a great way for God to talk to us so that we cannot question what He is saying (once we have accepted it as true obviously). The thing is, I have been trying so hard to pray and listen to what God wants by reading the world around me (which, by the way is full of confusing and misleading signs) that I forgot He already gave all the answers and wrote them down that there be no confusion. Duh! It's kinda like having a one-sided conversation if you don't read the bible. Also, faith comes from hearing and hearing comes from the word (Romans 10:17) and boy do I need more faith. And it is a sword (Ephesians 6:17) which is handy in this constant battle of temptation - bonus!

So, I get home and I am all excited about this. I love how much I am learning all the time - if I haven't mentioned it before I see this summer as my Crash Course in Jesus before I return to Brizzle and face the future.

Then I get an email from my friend who is helping coordinate with the shelter about venues and what not...

Now, recently things musical have been picking up even more. I met a street musician who plays worship songs and he did some at lunch yesterday which was very well received - music brings so much joy and boy does that place need it. Those who worked there seemed positive (I think, there goes the French again) and yet more people were coming into light that may be able to get involved. Then I am told that we can't use the room.

Only this eve we prayed about hearing what God has planned and as far as this goes I have always wanted to be sure that this is not just some notion of mine. For a start it can't go anywhere under my own direction - I haven't a clue! I was waiting to see what doors get opened (which until now seemed all of them) and while I don't want to give up easily I also don't want to ignore the answers. So. Do I take this as a sign that really I should stick to drying dishes and smiling, or see where else it can go? It is tempting to take up the offer of a vacation (correction, holiday) to the South of France and spend time reading the bible. I mean, I need to be prepared before I can do God's work...

It does seems a little early to write it off completely. And the park has proved great thus far...? Well, no matter what, something is coming out of this - relationships which, after all, are the most important thing. In that I can persevere if nothing else.

One thing is for sure; what I learnt this eve is going into action. Next step: listening to The Word and seeing/hearing exactly what it says about what to do now.