I'm pulling an all-nighter with only my facebook status for company. Progress is slow; peace is unprecedented; I feel like I might be giving birth to a miracle and it isn't half uneasy but so far I have not hit panic. The fear waved at me across the room but I put my finger up right back at it!
For I have decided to enjoy this. Nothing can get to me if I don't let it and I can't do anything to change the situation I'm in. Plus, this whole essay is about analogy and foundations - my two favourite things to write about! The people I have met today seem quite shocked by what I expect to achieve (currently at 9,500 words instead of 5,000 and only 2,500 of them are good, with the rest in a total mess which may not actually contain enough quality to salvage!) by 4pm tomorrow. I'm shocked at how much I'm not panicking or bothered right now and am blogging so I have it in writing that God has made a huge an utter difference in this situation. I used to go to bed to avoid the dread and skirt around the issue at hand in despair. Now it's like "what will be will be" then I plod on trying to do as little thinking as possible about anything else much and just marveling at the peace that passes understanding down in my heart.
I read something on this random running blog (like the running in the poem the other day, get it? Incidentally, I was walking behind a person today with a jumper that said "jog on" on the back and at the time I was listening to "Chasing Pavements" - I love stuff like that!) a few weeks ago about how the author found that she could not simultaneously love and hate something. I liked that. I like what I am doing my essay on so why on earth would I hate this? I get to spend the next 14 hours doing something I am interested in and passionate about. Hurrah! If I start to flag it is the perfect excuse to eat chocolate and drink real coffee!! It's like the bible when it says to love good and hate evil. That's in the Old T and the New T so you know it's important. I am not going to have contempt for this 'cause it is good. A good subject, points to good things, gives me good opportunities, draws me nearer to God (like good but capitalised and without the 'o'), has been the source of many good blessings (not that there is such a thing as a not-good blessing). I have no right at all to be despondent now. God wants me to delight and appreciate every minute, if not simply because I get to depend on Him a whole lot.
So I'm blogging when I said I wouldn't. Ah well, I also wrote the plan for a whole novel this afternoon! Remember how I prayed that I would not be inspired to create - no songs, no poems, no dances(!)...? Well I have surpassed all this and jotted down 4,000 words worth of ideas. I'm not claiming it was necessarily God but it was pretty exciting. I never thought I would be the type to write a proper story like that.
I'd rather have a book than an essay... but I'd sooner have both. Back to it...
Showing posts with label Peace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Peace. Show all posts
Friday, February 20, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Suddenly I Don't See
I'm looking into an abyss. I've not given up per se but I can't see the end. This is partly 'cause all the arguments I had fell apart when I realised something terribly problematic with a very integral concept of my essay. That is to say, I was just plain wrong. I now have no point to make and, though the beginning and middle parts of my essay are actually very good and were coming together quite nicely, they say totally different things and leave me with absolutely no comprehensive conclusion. All from a seemingly tiny detail too, I didn't think overlooking that would be this devastating.
But I am laughing about it. Which is, I think, the most important thing.
Plus, it turns out that being under pressure and having my faith challenged makes me write a lot of music. I now have 6 songs about not doing my homework...!
The way I see it, the NHS are all about sorting out my throat asap and not so much about my head (though I cannot blame my lack of understanding on anything but my own capacity) so maybe this deadline is actually God's way of getting me to write my first album...! Jokes.
Though it is true that give me any sort of pressure to get something done and I will instead create. As long as the pressure isn't to do something specifically creative, 'cause that would be too easy.
Back to waiting for revelation. I went and caffeined up so I would be in it for the long haul and now I have all this energy and nothing to apply it to. Like, I really don't know what to do next... Ah well, maybe I'll write another song!
But I am laughing about it. Which is, I think, the most important thing.
Plus, it turns out that being under pressure and having my faith challenged makes me write a lot of music. I now have 6 songs about not doing my homework...!
The way I see it, the NHS are all about sorting out my throat asap and not so much about my head (though I cannot blame my lack of understanding on anything but my own capacity) so maybe this deadline is actually God's way of getting me to write my first album...! Jokes.
Though it is true that give me any sort of pressure to get something done and I will instead create. As long as the pressure isn't to do something specifically creative, 'cause that would be too easy.
Back to waiting for revelation. I went and caffeined up so I would be in it for the long haul and now I have all this energy and nothing to apply it to. Like, I really don't know what to do next... Ah well, maybe I'll write another song!
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Unnatural Hope in the face of Utter Horror
My Facebook status.
My life.
Just a comment about the reading I was doing today for the previously mentioned paper (in which my thinking is majorly affected by the Bible but it's hard to express that convincingly when writing about Philosophy of Maths... see a few posts ago...). A book called 'Beyond the limits of thought', the first line of which was:
"Finitude is a basic fact of human existence."
We are going to have some problems.
The dude (his name is Priest, ironically) goes on to give the examples of human endurance, resources or even life itself. I really am not feeling eye to eye on this. What with God and all - who is later given as an example of something beyond the limit of our thought (quite a debate there among these learned people as to whether or not He is; if only I could bring 1 Corinthians 2:9-10 into it.)
Then it hit me, just now, that this is exactly where I am at. My "status" is hope in horror. The horror being the deadline, the limitation (in endurance, resources and time). The hope being that I can go beyond the limitations; that I am subject to neither deadline nor death; that finitude is a myth and while things are beyond understanding they are also completely within my grasp by His spirit. A paradox explained, but only outside the realm of earthly "logic" (which is in fact my conclusion). My work is like my spiritual journey - the two being about the same thing as I rely on the impossible to be able to discuss the inconcievable in a way that is unimaginable yet fully comprehensible. Ummmm.
Reading 1 Corinthians 2 as part of my not-very-routine bible routine has once again proved completely relevant to what I am doing - even when what I am doing is maths homework. It has been a good day with lots of work (subjective view point granted) and some great God moments and, you'll never believe it, but I'm listening to Positive songs on my ipod now. Oh yes! The joy is coming back.
Incase you weren't already resigned, the next week or so will probably have a lot of crazy sounding maths that may or may not also claim to be spiritual. Sorry about that, but I'm gonna be pretty one tracked...
Oh, and one other cool thing. My old pastor from GVA sent round an email to anyone on the worship mailing list that said:
"Don't forget God is working His purpose out!!"
Really bloody handy that was, totally the sort of thing I need to hear. A little thrown by the randomness of it... till it came to light that that was the name of a hymn they are doing on Sunday! Still, good to know.
Hmmmmm. Feeling rather confident. Maybe it's the peace that passes understanding... Best go get something done this eve though. I have 2 ish hours, let's bend time!
My life.
Just a comment about the reading I was doing today for the previously mentioned paper (in which my thinking is majorly affected by the Bible but it's hard to express that convincingly when writing about Philosophy of Maths... see a few posts ago...). A book called 'Beyond the limits of thought', the first line of which was:
"Finitude is a basic fact of human existence."
We are going to have some problems.
The dude (his name is Priest, ironically) goes on to give the examples of human endurance, resources or even life itself. I really am not feeling eye to eye on this. What with God and all - who is later given as an example of something beyond the limit of our thought (quite a debate there among these learned people as to whether or not He is; if only I could bring 1 Corinthians 2:9-10 into it.)
Then it hit me, just now, that this is exactly where I am at. My "status" is hope in horror. The horror being the deadline, the limitation (in endurance, resources and time). The hope being that I can go beyond the limitations; that I am subject to neither deadline nor death; that finitude is a myth and while things are beyond understanding they are also completely within my grasp by His spirit. A paradox explained, but only outside the realm of earthly "logic" (which is in fact my conclusion). My work is like my spiritual journey - the two being about the same thing as I rely on the impossible to be able to discuss the inconcievable in a way that is unimaginable yet fully comprehensible. Ummmm.
Reading 1 Corinthians 2 as part of my not-very-routine bible routine has once again proved completely relevant to what I am doing - even when what I am doing is maths homework. It has been a good day with lots of work (subjective view point granted) and some great God moments and, you'll never believe it, but I'm listening to Positive songs on my ipod now. Oh yes! The joy is coming back.
Incase you weren't already resigned, the next week or so will probably have a lot of crazy sounding maths that may or may not also claim to be spiritual. Sorry about that, but I'm gonna be pretty one tracked...
Oh, and one other cool thing. My old pastor from GVA sent round an email to anyone on the worship mailing list that said:
"Don't forget God is working His purpose out!!"
Really bloody handy that was, totally the sort of thing I need to hear. A little thrown by the randomness of it... till it came to light that that was the name of a hymn they are doing on Sunday! Still, good to know.
Hmmmmm. Feeling rather confident. Maybe it's the peace that passes understanding... Best go get something done this eve though. I have 2 ish hours, let's bend time!
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
The Analogy That Keeps on Giving
I am waiting for growth. Enjoying it short while it lasts. Surely I can let the metaphor go for a while.
But no! What's happened now? I hear you ask. Is the style growing out, maybe I got a trim or a perm (wow that would not work at all)? I actually think that the shape is doing OK. I may or may not tidy it up when I get back to London but it seems to have lasted alright.
I have simply made an insightful observation based upon pre-existing features.
Before I got the chop and went for the "cut the crap and start again approach" to my hair. I was trying to bring it back to ginge (which, in case you didn't know due to repeated brainwashing of jealous people, is a wonderful colour akin to gold and totally cool) the artificial and "fast-tracked" way. That is through dye. The latest time I tried this, when my roots were already at least an inch long, they used an "organic permanent mix" instead of the usual semi as it would be better for the condition. Organic you say? Bring it on I say. BUT, you know what this means? The bit of root I had that ended up being the bulk of the short drastic 'starting again' haircut was actually dyed.
Which meant that I turned out to be more ginger than I actually am naturally.
Only fractionally, maybe a shade more orange, but it does notice in the right light (now my true true roots are coming through) and the overall effect is subtly but significantly brighter.
And this is where it gets clever see. I have been thinking about how maybe I have been being a bit "too" Christian of late. Like, it started out funny and it still is a lot of the time but I don't want to become someone that is all about generic identity and forgetting the fearfully and wonderfully made part.
Looking for your new identity in Christ can be hard, particularly when there are things in your old identity that are tied in with negative conotations. The temptation is to say these things I knew about me are wrong and I need to "find myself" again but you know what, Jesus has already found me. I once was lost but he left those 99 sheep to look for me and is now rejoicing over me with singing. Along with all the angels. I just need to take out the bits of debris that I picked up in the wilderness.
For example: I talk a lot. I mean a lot. There are good things in this. Some of my friends have really encouraged me with statements such as "I like it 'cause it means I don't have to" and it sure comes in handy with some people some of the time and certain types of in-your-face evangelism. But this verbosity has been a bit of point of tension for me, particularly recently since, delightful character trait though it is, it becomes hard to pretend that being "too much" is always other people's problem. I mean, you seldom hear people say that Russell Brand just isn't understood properly and should be put in charge of more things, do you?! Unless you hear it from me that is... "They just can't handle me" was not something that Paul said about mixing with both the Jews and Gentiles etc. So from this came the temptation to believe, based upon the times that I miss the mark, that I am actually just totally wrong in myself. I sure didn't want to live in denial of things I need to change.
The idea of refinement vs rejection of these qualities got a bit muddled up till I wasn't really sure where the old me and the new me changed over. I know I do get it wrong and have a tendency to sometimes speak compulsively and without due care and attention but I didn't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater and assassinating my whole unique character seemed a bit drastic. Confusing.
But the hair thing helps a lot.
As I see it, I am a hell of a lot closer to natural than platinum blonde was. In all the process of trying to force myself into God's identity for me I just got a bit carried away and over did it. But it is relatively small, it will not last forever and it isn't a bad bad match. In time the ends will become a smaller ratio of dyed to real and then, little by little, get trimmed away. (Mum, could you book me that appointment actually please!)
People that know me of late think I'm a bit off the wall; people that knew me before Switzerland think I have calmed down a lot; people that watched it happen... I don't really know what they think...! But somewhere in the middle of all this is a happy balance and I just need to peace out and let God make it happen. In time. As I wait patiently and don't try and force it 'cause actually that don't work. I am alright. I am not perfect. I am in the best possible hands.
When was in GVA and we did the gig (a prime time for God showing me insecurities I forgot I had) we dressed up in *quite* silly outfits. Both my other band members (which is why I am putting their pic up too! Share the responsibility...) wanted orange hair and I am game for most things. So we did this:
Which now screams to me to be the perfect symbol of what I am not supposed to do. Put on make up and fake it to make the issues go away. I ain't conforming for anyone, it isn't about being as orange as I can (fun though it sometimes is!) but about being as orange as I am supposed to be. The blonde in strawberry blonde is there for a reason.
Best of both. Like hovis only not bread.
But no! What's happened now? I hear you ask. Is the style growing out, maybe I got a trim or a perm (wow that would not work at all)? I actually think that the shape is doing OK. I may or may not tidy it up when I get back to London but it seems to have lasted alright.
I have simply made an insightful observation based upon pre-existing features.
Before I got the chop and went for the "cut the crap and start again approach" to my hair. I was trying to bring it back to ginge (which, in case you didn't know due to repeated brainwashing of jealous people, is a wonderful colour akin to gold and totally cool) the artificial and "fast-tracked" way. That is through dye. The latest time I tried this, when my roots were already at least an inch long, they used an "organic permanent mix" instead of the usual semi as it would be better for the condition. Organic you say? Bring it on I say. BUT, you know what this means? The bit of root I had that ended up being the bulk of the short drastic 'starting again' haircut was actually dyed.
Which meant that I turned out to be more ginger than I actually am naturally.
Only fractionally, maybe a shade more orange, but it does notice in the right light (now my true true roots are coming through) and the overall effect is subtly but significantly brighter.
And this is where it gets clever see. I have been thinking about how maybe I have been being a bit "too" Christian of late. Like, it started out funny and it still is a lot of the time but I don't want to become someone that is all about generic identity and forgetting the fearfully and wonderfully made part.
Looking for your new identity in Christ can be hard, particularly when there are things in your old identity that are tied in with negative conotations. The temptation is to say these things I knew about me are wrong and I need to "find myself" again but you know what, Jesus has already found me. I once was lost but he left those 99 sheep to look for me and is now rejoicing over me with singing. Along with all the angels. I just need to take out the bits of debris that I picked up in the wilderness.
For example: I talk a lot. I mean a lot. There are good things in this. Some of my friends have really encouraged me with statements such as "I like it 'cause it means I don't have to" and it sure comes in handy with some people some of the time and certain types of in-your-face evangelism. But this verbosity has been a bit of point of tension for me, particularly recently since, delightful character trait though it is, it becomes hard to pretend that being "too much" is always other people's problem. I mean, you seldom hear people say that Russell Brand just isn't understood properly and should be put in charge of more things, do you?! Unless you hear it from me that is... "They just can't handle me" was not something that Paul said about mixing with both the Jews and Gentiles etc. So from this came the temptation to believe, based upon the times that I miss the mark, that I am actually just totally wrong in myself. I sure didn't want to live in denial of things I need to change.
The idea of refinement vs rejection of these qualities got a bit muddled up till I wasn't really sure where the old me and the new me changed over. I know I do get it wrong and have a tendency to sometimes speak compulsively and without due care and attention but I didn't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater and assassinating my whole unique character seemed a bit drastic. Confusing.
But the hair thing helps a lot.
As I see it, I am a hell of a lot closer to natural than platinum blonde was. In all the process of trying to force myself into God's identity for me I just got a bit carried away and over did it. But it is relatively small, it will not last forever and it isn't a bad bad match. In time the ends will become a smaller ratio of dyed to real and then, little by little, get trimmed away. (Mum, could you book me that appointment actually please!)
People that know me of late think I'm a bit off the wall; people that knew me before Switzerland think I have calmed down a lot; people that watched it happen... I don't really know what they think...! But somewhere in the middle of all this is a happy balance and I just need to peace out and let God make it happen. In time. As I wait patiently and don't try and force it 'cause actually that don't work. I am alright. I am not perfect. I am in the best possible hands.
When was in GVA and we did the gig (a prime time for God showing me insecurities I forgot I had) we dressed up in *quite* silly outfits. Both my other band members (which is why I am putting their pic up too! Share the responsibility...) wanted orange hair and I am game for most things. So we did this:
Which now screams to me to be the perfect symbol of what I am not supposed to do. Put on make up and fake it to make the issues go away. I ain't conforming for anyone, it isn't about being as orange as I can (fun though it sometimes is!) but about being as orange as I am supposed to be. The blonde in strawberry blonde is there for a reason.Best of both. Like hovis only not bread.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
This is going to be a Christmas to remember
I am so excited about Christmas. Starbucks menu started weeks ago and the first taste I had of Christmas cake was magical. Now I feel like I am ready to start my own personal official Christmas season…
For this is my first real Christmas. The first one when I can know the joy of my dear Saviour’s birth – ‘cause now He is that. Where a nativity scene makes me go actually wow and I don’t think about consumerism or any of that crap but truly have a different priority (despite the Starbuck’s reference!). I’m going to have a Christmas that is all about what it’s supposed to be…
Except, really there isn’t a biblical model for Christmas is there? No-one from the New Testament went around on the 31st December (or any other date) saying let’s keep Christmas about the important things. There is no guidance on how to be a Christian at Christmas and, especially given the fact that it was first based upon a pagan holiday, one might suggest the best way to be is to take down the tree and carry on as normal. Or at least break with the world traditions and any habits that aren’t strictly “kosher”.
But I like the tree. And I love buying presents for people (get me I’m already four up and have a whole month to go! That is organisation…). Jingle Bells do make me rock and I have been listening to Christmas music for a while now with no shame whatsoever. Sparkly lights and port by the fire, could you want for more? Can’t wait for the open air ice rink so I can get out my skates from Geneva and I LOVE a good Christmas classic on the telly. The way I see it there is no set formula for Christmas cheer and I am not giving up my crackers and baubles on a whim.
I am going to be intentional though. Starting today it is Christmas season and I want to spread joy and good cheer too all mankind. Wishing peace, showing love, delighting in the good things of life. Really this is just all things that being a Christian is kinda about and I don’t want to limit it to seasonality so I’m going to kick start it now but the plan is that the attitude of Christmas remains around a long time after the tree comes down.
Talking of which, it goes up today (and is Hot Pink!). ‘Tis the first year in my own home and I am excited to be starting my own traditions… which include decorations going up a month before to enjoy the season all the longer and also because it will be my half birthday every year. That’s right, 6 months since the B and going strong!
There are some really wonderful ideals for Christmas that do go beyond the cheesy superficial overcommercialised notions. But honestly, they aren’t just great ideas every now and then are they? In the same way dog is for life not just for Christmas I don’t really get why we would limit hope, peace, good will, love, generosity, joy, celebration and (maybe) talking about Jesus to once a year. The one thing I would say is perhaps we need to add in to the mix self-control…
Bring on Christmas with all your manmade glitz and idealism. Man gets a lot of things right too and it can be all too easy to focus on the bad things. Made in the image of our creator I reckon this is the season to share these good things and I don’t want to slag off something which values loads of good things too. It is a shame “They” have taken the Christ out of Christmas and that people call in the “winter holidays” instead but that does not mean we can’t enjoy being people together and sharing the love of our kindredness.
For this is my first real Christmas. The first one when I can know the joy of my dear Saviour’s birth – ‘cause now He is that. Where a nativity scene makes me go actually wow and I don’t think about consumerism or any of that crap but truly have a different priority (despite the Starbuck’s reference!). I’m going to have a Christmas that is all about what it’s supposed to be…
Except, really there isn’t a biblical model for Christmas is there? No-one from the New Testament went around on the 31st December (or any other date) saying let’s keep Christmas about the important things. There is no guidance on how to be a Christian at Christmas and, especially given the fact that it was first based upon a pagan holiday, one might suggest the best way to be is to take down the tree and carry on as normal. Or at least break with the world traditions and any habits that aren’t strictly “kosher”.
But I like the tree. And I love buying presents for people (get me I’m already four up and have a whole month to go! That is organisation…). Jingle Bells do make me rock and I have been listening to Christmas music for a while now with no shame whatsoever. Sparkly lights and port by the fire, could you want for more? Can’t wait for the open air ice rink so I can get out my skates from Geneva and I LOVE a good Christmas classic on the telly. The way I see it there is no set formula for Christmas cheer and I am not giving up my crackers and baubles on a whim.
I am going to be intentional though. Starting today it is Christmas season and I want to spread joy and good cheer too all mankind. Wishing peace, showing love, delighting in the good things of life. Really this is just all things that being a Christian is kinda about and I don’t want to limit it to seasonality so I’m going to kick start it now but the plan is that the attitude of Christmas remains around a long time after the tree comes down.
Talking of which, it goes up today (and is Hot Pink!). ‘Tis the first year in my own home and I am excited to be starting my own traditions… which include decorations going up a month before to enjoy the season all the longer and also because it will be my half birthday every year. That’s right, 6 months since the B and going strong!
There are some really wonderful ideals for Christmas that do go beyond the cheesy superficial overcommercialised notions. But honestly, they aren’t just great ideas every now and then are they? In the same way dog is for life not just for Christmas I don’t really get why we would limit hope, peace, good will, love, generosity, joy, celebration and (maybe) talking about Jesus to once a year. The one thing I would say is perhaps we need to add in to the mix self-control…
Bring on Christmas with all your manmade glitz and idealism. Man gets a lot of things right too and it can be all too easy to focus on the bad things. Made in the image of our creator I reckon this is the season to share these good things and I don’t want to slag off something which values loads of good things too. It is a shame “They” have taken the Christ out of Christmas and that people call in the “winter holidays” instead but that does not mean we can’t enjoy being people together and sharing the love of our kindredness.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
A Mini Self-Assessment
Technically this counts as Thursdays post cause I haven't gone to bed yet. Plus it is 5 to midnight UK time and I am getting myself readjusted.
So, what's been going down. A good bit of miraculous peace which is nice, yesterday I got all kinds of things done in a really chilled manner including making 'business cards' and fitting in my last Starbucks (made an exception for old times sake) with good friends using vouchers that another good friend gave me for my birthday and I only just found! Anna threw Robyn and I a going away 'share a song' party in the eve, which I was of course fashionably late for. It was lovely and I found myself just enjoying every minute and not thinking about the end. Just having a great last week which is exactly what I was worried would not happen so am very grateful. AND Sheila gave us both fabulous Ghanaian dresses (which Robyn is cheekily calling Moomoos!) so that was lovely :-D.
Today on the other hand I have had my bitchy mean judgmental ungraceful tendencies come out in full force. Not the only thing I have been learning about this week but a key lesson which I failed immeasurable times in all situations and, well, sorry. To everyone and particularly God. Why is it that we can know and vow how to be but it is so easy to slip? I rather felt t'other day some stuff about needing to have a servant heart (more ont another time, maybe) and I think perhaps the next stage of this journey I am on will be in learning humility and love, and in finding that through practical offerings.
'Cause the thing is, this year I learnt to love myself and appreciate who God has made me and be uplifted and encouraged in my giftings and character. Thank you for that, everyone who has added to the stockpile, it really was very gratefully received. Now it is time for me to see that, though I am fabulous and can do lots of things, the first call is to be last. I need to be humble before I can be great for God. If in discernment I judge it is better not to be discernful. If in leading I take control it is better to follow. If in any earthly gifting I get vain it is better do unglamorous mediocre things in secret - Yuck.
I am having to transition from someone who is just discovering faith and getting away with certain things to learning what really isn't appropriate. From misfiring sometimes to taking responsibility for thinking and caring more about those around me. From uncontained naïve excitement to directed encouragement. From passion for change to compassion for the chained. I am growing, I think, but it is not that easy or fun and boy do I suck at it.
Still, there are many rewards waiting on the other side. I can't help thinking of Abraham and Isaac when I think I am giving something up for God. It is hard to say "I will do this for you because I love you and you have called me to" when there is a constant niggle adding "and if you do then He will bless right back atcha". This whole religion thing really isn't altruistic is it? Giving stuff up is SO a personal gain its untrue. It annoys me but then, you can't really get away from your own thought failings. It is so true that God knows us better than we do 'cause even when I want to be genuine I can find myself kidding myself. I think.
I wish I was still a baby. Approaching the 3 month rebirthday on Monday and I have to say, it has been exponential. Don't get me wrong, still very much a newbie, just with less excuses than before. Hmmmm... all good shit though :-)
P.S. I am aware that I wrote a post about wanting to be humble. Seems perhaps the wrong place to start...? But as Sara told me, Moses was the humblest man on the face of the earth - check out this reference for evidence (if you go in for the bible that it) - yet he was the very dude that wrote the Book of Numbers!
P.P.S. While writing about humility may not be a huge error, potentially comparing myself to Moses may well be! I hope this doesn't come across like it reads...!
So, what's been going down. A good bit of miraculous peace which is nice, yesterday I got all kinds of things done in a really chilled manner including making 'business cards' and fitting in my last Starbucks (made an exception for old times sake) with good friends using vouchers that another good friend gave me for my birthday and I only just found! Anna threw Robyn and I a going away 'share a song' party in the eve, which I was of course fashionably late for. It was lovely and I found myself just enjoying every minute and not thinking about the end. Just having a great last week which is exactly what I was worried would not happen so am very grateful. AND Sheila gave us both fabulous Ghanaian dresses (which Robyn is cheekily calling Moomoos!) so that was lovely :-D.
Today on the other hand I have had my bitchy mean judgmental ungraceful tendencies come out in full force. Not the only thing I have been learning about this week but a key lesson which I failed immeasurable times in all situations and, well, sorry. To everyone and particularly God. Why is it that we can know and vow how to be but it is so easy to slip? I rather felt t'other day some stuff about needing to have a servant heart (more ont another time, maybe) and I think perhaps the next stage of this journey I am on will be in learning humility and love, and in finding that through practical offerings.
'Cause the thing is, this year I learnt to love myself and appreciate who God has made me and be uplifted and encouraged in my giftings and character. Thank you for that, everyone who has added to the stockpile, it really was very gratefully received. Now it is time for me to see that, though I am fabulous and can do lots of things, the first call is to be last. I need to be humble before I can be great for God. If in discernment I judge it is better not to be discernful. If in leading I take control it is better to follow. If in any earthly gifting I get vain it is better do unglamorous mediocre things in secret - Yuck.
I am having to transition from someone who is just discovering faith and getting away with certain things to learning what really isn't appropriate. From misfiring sometimes to taking responsibility for thinking and caring more about those around me. From uncontained naïve excitement to directed encouragement. From passion for change to compassion for the chained. I am growing, I think, but it is not that easy or fun and boy do I suck at it.
Still, there are many rewards waiting on the other side. I can't help thinking of Abraham and Isaac when I think I am giving something up for God. It is hard to say "I will do this for you because I love you and you have called me to" when there is a constant niggle adding "and if you do then He will bless right back atcha". This whole religion thing really isn't altruistic is it? Giving stuff up is SO a personal gain its untrue. It annoys me but then, you can't really get away from your own thought failings. It is so true that God knows us better than we do 'cause even when I want to be genuine I can find myself kidding myself. I think.
I wish I was still a baby. Approaching the 3 month rebirthday on Monday and I have to say, it has been exponential. Don't get me wrong, still very much a newbie, just with less excuses than before. Hmmmm... all good shit though :-)
P.S. I am aware that I wrote a post about wanting to be humble. Seems perhaps the wrong place to start...? But as Sara told me, Moses was the humblest man on the face of the earth - check out this reference for evidence (if you go in for the bible that it) - yet he was the very dude that wrote the Book of Numbers!
P.P.S. While writing about humility may not be a huge error, potentially comparing myself to Moses may well be! I hope this doesn't come across like it reads...!
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Returns Policy
First off, sorry about all the Christianity. I mean, not sorry per say but I am supposed to be writing a blog so that my friends can keep up with what I am up to and, well, I have non-Christian friends that I try and not talk to constantly about God so this one-sided conversational mechanism should reflect that. I will make more of an effort to include 'profane' anecdotes I promise!
Thus follows a long post with a vaguely spiritual feel and a strong I-wrote-this-when-I-should-be-in-bed feel...
I am very busy at the moment. Many ideas for blogs and no time to write!
However, I do not feel rushed or frantic in anyway. God has granted me the real gift of peace this last week and a half. The first week from my return I got so carried away and excited that I forgot to stop and just hang out with Jesus. It was one of the things I learnt when I was traveling and yet so quick to forget... Last weekend I was reminded of this and starting the following week (23rd) in a attitude of chillax was great. Someone very wise gave me some good advice on the Sunday which I have been following (or trying) and it really does help:
When God gives you something, give it back.
We are so used to the idea of giving up things for Jesus, or giving our grievances to Him; but remember the lady that prayed for a baby then gave Him to the priest (Samuel's mum?)...? Well when God gives us things, ideas, opportunities etc we can/should to say to Him "Ok, thanks, now here you go you decided what to do with this." Not opting out, just giving God control of what is going on.
This attitude totally transformed how I felt towards the choir. I would still go to lunch and be apprehensive (the French ladies who run that place are scary), there would still be exciting things followed by sudden blockages; but I was a lot more at ease. It was nice. It was also very inkeeping with what I feel this summer is about - spending time with God, learning as much as I can and enjoying life before I go back to England. In a spirit of The Kingdom yes but not with a push to get stuff done. This is the holiday season! [The work is sure to follow...]
And many blessings are coming along. Today I made a new friend and spent all afternoon with a hilarious Philadelphian vagabond (in his own words) who may or may not have been Bi-polar but was definitely cool. I am connecting with such wonderful people at the kitchen and the opportunities to talk about Jesus with them, or just share some of His love, seem copious. This is what it is about. Some big adventure which looks cool and seems spectacular is not how God is glorified, that is how men are glorified and His ways are different - the next thing I learnt--
--From the angle of stress I was doing much better but I think I had inadvertently developed the mindset that the reason a music project may not happen (we don't know but it is looking less likely in an official capacity... there is however a fantastic outreach project in Geneva next week called engaGE and there is some scope there perhaps) is 'cause that was too big and unfeasible for me and God wants to use people who know what they are doing (more exciting developments... the Salvation Army are looking for a choir master (!) and my friend who has been helping me would be perfect so it could well happen after all and anyway the long term nature of the project makes that much more fitting) and could handle something that cool so I was only entrusted with feeding them (had been letting this develop into a bit of a general mindset of big exciting things not happening to me which is another mistaken attitude but too long for this post)... Now. Duh. Apart from the fact that we are called to be servants and all that jazz (quite a big Duh) is the idea that when we are living out God's plans it is not a compromise or a reflection of how good we are or aren't. It is the perfect thing for us. We are not chosen for things 'cause that is all He has for us, it is WHAT He has for us. His ways are not our ways, His plans are higher than ours (see Isaiah 55 for a proper version, that was given to me by someone the other day and is SO relevant) and when I live in accordance with surrendering to Him what I am doing is the best it can be.
So in this I have even more peace. I am happy to let go of worrying about how to make things happen (especially in the light that it is being started up elsewhere), loving every minute of discovering His ways and enjoying how not a day goes by when in the evening I am not delighted at the fantastic experiences I have just had. I am becoming less and less surprised as I realise God has every moment in His will. I make the strangest friends; leave my phone in the stupidest places and then meet people by finding it; have the most enlightened and blessed conversations and find the coolest stuff in the street on the way home! Life with God is far more exciting that on my own. My weeks are at their best when the schedule is empty, 'cause He has one that is full of delight!
Tomorrow morning I am off swimming with a family from church and then... the world is His oyster. I'm sending it all straight back from whence it came, He takes much better care.
Sorry about all the parenthesis, they are my favourite punctuation (after exclamation marks!) but I should learn better grammar (and also write less late at night)...
Thus follows a long post with a vaguely spiritual feel and a strong I-wrote-this-when-I-should-be-in-bed feel...
I am very busy at the moment. Many ideas for blogs and no time to write!
However, I do not feel rushed or frantic in anyway. God has granted me the real gift of peace this last week and a half. The first week from my return I got so carried away and excited that I forgot to stop and just hang out with Jesus. It was one of the things I learnt when I was traveling and yet so quick to forget... Last weekend I was reminded of this and starting the following week (23rd) in a attitude of chillax was great. Someone very wise gave me some good advice on the Sunday which I have been following (or trying) and it really does help:
When God gives you something, give it back.
We are so used to the idea of giving up things for Jesus, or giving our grievances to Him; but remember the lady that prayed for a baby then gave Him to the priest (Samuel's mum?)...? Well when God gives us things, ideas, opportunities etc we can/should to say to Him "Ok, thanks, now here you go you decided what to do with this." Not opting out, just giving God control of what is going on.
This attitude totally transformed how I felt towards the choir. I would still go to lunch and be apprehensive (the French ladies who run that place are scary), there would still be exciting things followed by sudden blockages; but I was a lot more at ease. It was nice. It was also very inkeeping with what I feel this summer is about - spending time with God, learning as much as I can and enjoying life before I go back to England. In a spirit of The Kingdom yes but not with a push to get stuff done. This is the holiday season! [The work is sure to follow...]
And many blessings are coming along. Today I made a new friend and spent all afternoon with a hilarious Philadelphian vagabond (in his own words) who may or may not have been Bi-polar but was definitely cool. I am connecting with such wonderful people at the kitchen and the opportunities to talk about Jesus with them, or just share some of His love, seem copious. This is what it is about. Some big adventure which looks cool and seems spectacular is not how God is glorified, that is how men are glorified and His ways are different - the next thing I learnt--
--From the angle of stress I was doing much better but I think I had inadvertently developed the mindset that the reason a music project may not happen (we don't know but it is looking less likely in an official capacity... there is however a fantastic outreach project in Geneva next week called engaGE and there is some scope there perhaps) is 'cause that was too big and unfeasible for me and God wants to use people who know what they are doing (more exciting developments... the Salvation Army are looking for a choir master (!) and my friend who has been helping me would be perfect so it could well happen after all and anyway the long term nature of the project makes that much more fitting) and could handle something that cool so I was only entrusted with feeding them (had been letting this develop into a bit of a general mindset of big exciting things not happening to me which is another mistaken attitude but too long for this post)... Now. Duh. Apart from the fact that we are called to be servants and all that jazz (quite a big Duh) is the idea that when we are living out God's plans it is not a compromise or a reflection of how good we are or aren't. It is the perfect thing for us. We are not chosen for things 'cause that is all He has for us, it is WHAT He has for us. His ways are not our ways, His plans are higher than ours (see Isaiah 55 for a proper version, that was given to me by someone the other day and is SO relevant) and when I live in accordance with surrendering to Him what I am doing is the best it can be.
So in this I have even more peace. I am happy to let go of worrying about how to make things happen (especially in the light that it is being started up elsewhere), loving every minute of discovering His ways and enjoying how not a day goes by when in the evening I am not delighted at the fantastic experiences I have just had. I am becoming less and less surprised as I realise God has every moment in His will. I make the strangest friends; leave my phone in the stupidest places and then meet people by finding it; have the most enlightened and blessed conversations and find the coolest stuff in the street on the way home! Life with God is far more exciting that on my own. My weeks are at their best when the schedule is empty, 'cause He has one that is full of delight!
Tomorrow morning I am off swimming with a family from church and then... the world is His oyster. I'm sending it all straight back from whence it came, He takes much better care.
Sorry about all the parenthesis, they are my favourite punctuation (after exclamation marks!) but I should learn better grammar (and also write less late at night)...
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