Right. I'm online at 2303 and I am choosing to blog now while I have this quasi-warm fuzzy feeling. It seems only fair to God to blog when I have joy as well as when I don't, else it will be all unbalanced like.
Incredibly long evening sermon today. Good, nice stories, easy listening, encouraging message... just LONG. Couple of people prayed for me for the week ahead - I've had several hands on me head so I'm all set. Heard a really good Christian trivia (one day I will have a collection of them but that sounds like far harder work than I am prepared to do for now) about oxen too: apparently 2 together pull 27 times as much load as one on it's own. Twenty-seven! That helps me think about being, what's it called, yoked up with the big JC.
Right. Let's cut to the chase. I've officially fallen into a major faith crisis. I can't be arsed to go into the details now, who knows if it will last and it is quite late. Plus, I don't know that I can say it in a nice way and I don't want to offend anyone. However, this is my thinking about it:
A lot of what it is going on is things that I struggled with before Geneva. About how God made us sinful then went and offered us a way out of the condemnation that He created us under in the first place and we're supposed to just accept that and be grateful. OK, I went and said it. In brief anyway, the nature of my doubt isn't really the point. This is something that used to hold me back and, well, it sort of melted into the background in Geneva but it never totally went away. My priorities changed and I could accept things that I didn't understand in light of what I did. Now I am here and it is forwards again and it gets to me. I sit in that church where I used to live (in flats built above, I never used to go though) with this as a genuine struggle and it is easy to come back to that place in my head and wonder why on earth I am now up for trying to be one of "them" when I still don't necessarily agree with some fundamental stuff. And I have an answer to my question.
I got married to Jesus on the 25th May 2008. That is, I got baptised. This means that I effectively said "for better for worse". So now, when I am in that church with my doubts as big and bad if not worse than before, I am sticking to it. 'Cause that is what marriage is about. (This only works, by the way, if you believe that marriage isn't about always being in love but about choosing someone and working at it even in the face of real crapness.)
The analogy isn't perfect. There is no way you can end up with someone that isn't "right for you" or that He will change in this relationship - Jesus, if He is, will be right for everyone and never change. There is no chance of failure on these grounds. I can still dump Him but I figure that the only way this is justified under the strength of the phrase "till death us do part" (nay, the only reason I'd want to under the premise of eternal life) is:
a) He cheats on me. Which is kinda unlikely by definition - everyone can marry Him!
b) He abuses me. Which, by the premise that we don't always know what love from our finite perspective looks like, is frankly annoying hard to prove.
b) He isn't actually real. Which would be an annulment and totally valid I think - you can't marry someone that isn't real.
But I can't use doubt as evidence for Him not being real, 'cause faith wasn't evidence to believe. None of the facts of the situation have changed since we hooked up, no reason to know any better either way. Faith was what I used to make a commitment in the same way that one commits to a husband (or wife); all the doubts or let downs (real or apparent) were in potentia when I said 'I Do'. Sometimes you don't want your husband spouse anymore (well, I can only imagine but it seems *quite* likely that people get to that place at least for a time in their marriage) but that doesn't change what you said at the start and it wasn't totally unthinkable at the time. You have to work at these things when the love or the certainty fades.
Now, if Jesus was a fallible man (or woman) then this would not be as easy to state. The fact is, He is not going to walk away from me if I get on His nerves too much or don't pull my weight (nor just be a mean bastard). This is no reason to not try but it is a comfort in a place of confusion. OK, it may be a "reason" to not try when I'm in a place of apathy but I am trying to not let that happen too many hours in the day.
There may be something that one day counts as evidence for God's non-existence. Then He can consider us over. But the difference between now and before, though the doubts look the same, is that I am committed. So I am not waiting for proof with faith in His lack of existence (for I believe it takes faith to decide no to God) but instead I have faith in his existence (albeit sinusoidal) and would need actual proof of non-existence in order to walk. Without which I am committed to the worse, in the real hope that it will one day be better forever.
I can see why Derek was so keen for me to get dunked...!
Showing posts with label Baptism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Baptism. Show all posts
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Friday, August 29, 2008
The Beginning of The Beginning
The UK is not online.
Seriously, I have finally solved the shoddy connection in my parents house by plugging in with a WIRE. It makes me sick. What kind of backwards place is this?
After a week back in the motherland I am feeling rather alright really. I got a little bit overwhelmed the first night (only a little mind) and was kinda worried as, well, life changed quite a lot when I was away and, for a short while, it seemed like it was all a huge incredible dream.
Backtracking slightly - I lived in Geneva, Switzerland for a year and got turned upside - I say to you respectfully that life without Jesus sucks.
That is an *incredibly* brief overview of something that I will/have gone into more detail about. Geneva, City of Reformation with motto Post Tenebras Lux (After the darkness, the light) was the place where I was reformed. And on Monday night I panicked that I'd blown it out of all proportion.
Which I hadn't.
Still I went to bed worried and thinking that I was glad indeed my sister had come over for my baptism as at least then she would be able to pinch me and prove it was true (I'm talking metaphorically please C).
And I woke up in the morning to a surprise visit from aforementioned sibling. Could not have been better timed. Especially as it was on my 3 months rebirthday! We had a BBQ it was lovely (note that the weather in England SUCKS).
So that was a good start to the new start.
Hmmmm. In other news: been thinking a lot about lukewarmness and how much I don't want to do it and how setting up a proper life (instead of the summer camp of before) is going to be more stretching and much easier to fall into bad ways in. That coupled with the overwhelming task of tidying my bedroom and sorting through all the crap (not lit) I own has made for a quick passing and intense week.
Though I have been to the cinema twice (Hellboy II - really quite good; Mamma Mia, singalong, with the company of 9, 11 & 13 year girls - unbeatable) and am getting quite a lot of sleep and rest in. Which is nice. Plus home-cooking which can't be beat.
Oh and Valerie the car is back. Woohoo! Though I did get in the first time, pull out my driveway and terrify Richard with the question "what side of the road do we drive on here?". Genuine moment of blankness.
That's all. Just an update for those that asked really. I will be insightful in due course (be warned).
Seriously, I have finally solved the shoddy connection in my parents house by plugging in with a WIRE. It makes me sick. What kind of backwards place is this?
After a week back in the motherland I am feeling rather alright really. I got a little bit overwhelmed the first night (only a little mind) and was kinda worried as, well, life changed quite a lot when I was away and, for a short while, it seemed like it was all a huge incredible dream.
Backtracking slightly - I lived in Geneva, Switzerland for a year and got turned upside - I say to you respectfully that life without Jesus sucks.
That is an *incredibly* brief overview of something that I will/have gone into more detail about. Geneva, City of Reformation with motto Post Tenebras Lux (After the darkness, the light) was the place where I was reformed. And on Monday night I panicked that I'd blown it out of all proportion.
Which I hadn't.
Still I went to bed worried and thinking that I was glad indeed my sister had come over for my baptism as at least then she would be able to pinch me and prove it was true (I'm talking metaphorically please C).
And I woke up in the morning to a surprise visit from aforementioned sibling. Could not have been better timed. Especially as it was on my 3 months rebirthday! We had a BBQ it was lovely (note that the weather in England SUCKS).
So that was a good start to the new start.
Hmmmm. In other news: been thinking a lot about lukewarmness and how much I don't want to do it and how setting up a proper life (instead of the summer camp of before) is going to be more stretching and much easier to fall into bad ways in. That coupled with the overwhelming task of tidying my bedroom and sorting through all the crap (not lit) I own has made for a quick passing and intense week.
Though I have been to the cinema twice (Hellboy II - really quite good; Mamma Mia, singalong, with the company of 9, 11 & 13 year girls - unbeatable) and am getting quite a lot of sleep and rest in. Which is nice. Plus home-cooking which can't be beat.
Oh and Valerie the car is back. Woohoo! Though I did get in the first time, pull out my driveway and terrify Richard with the question "what side of the road do we drive on here?". Genuine moment of blankness.
That's all. Just an update for those that asked really. I will be insightful in due course (be warned).
Thursday, July 24, 2008
The Big Fat Analogy
This post has been a long time coming. I made this analogy to myself back in May and since then I have been looking for the opportune moment to share. Now is that moment.
I am really quite serious when I say that for me my hair represents my own personal growth. I like to think this is a sign of my creativity rather than an appearance obsession. The way I see it is this: I am currently growing my hair long whilst at the same time trying to return to my natural strawberry blonde (it is a real colour; subset of ginge I don’t deny it but valid nonetheless). The journey that will ultimately bring me to that point represents the time and efforts I spend learning and changing and becoming more “As God intended me to be”. Granted, as with even the best analogies, it will break down; namely when I reach the desired goal and I find I myself will not yet be perfect. Also, if I ever want to get a perm or high lights please, don’t think I am changing myself or letting the sinful nature back in!
The thing is, it is hard to go from platinum to a red-based hue. I ravaged my fibres so much that they can barely hold pigment at all and, as the hair dresser said, peu par peu I will have to go back and get more colour added; then wait a month or so as it readjusts; then try again and so on and so forth. I would gradually get a little darker, but she was pretty doubtful that I would reach a good semblance of ‘me’ again. The real route to my goal is to wait and let my roots grow through so I can shed completely the tattered ends of the past. That is not to say that I cannot gradually recondition and indeed recolour the strands. Just that it would take time and patience and PERSEVERANCE and that ultimately the true true end result is a long long way off.
And that my friend is where I am at too. This is my Jesus summer school and the strive for a richer colour is there at many levels.
Now we are going to see how this correlates from the beginning of my time here. Believe me, it can be done... Last September I arrived and I had a hair goal. To grow it long and keep redoing the roots so I would end up with long straight platinum locks. Not unlike a porn star(!). Well, that plan went slowly down the pan as I had a communication issue with one hairdresser (sadly I must say that was in London so the language was not an excuse) and ended up with VERY short blonde hair. It was ok, I did the Debbie Harry thing for a while, but the point is I was on my way off the original objective. This happened in February, around the time I was really challenged about moving on from the past and wholeheartedly embracing the new things I was discovering. The next stages really just snuck in and before I knew it was trying to get ‘low lights’! Where that change of direction come from I do not know (possibly something to do with a prayer or two from me and one or two others!) but it happened and the desire did not cease. First time Zoe donned the plastic gloves of a home dye kit but that did not really take hold and so on my birthday I went and got it done professionally.
I had a lovely birthday btw (that is another story in the draft box) but I was finding with my hair that, while I liked the new colour, there was not enough of it. Hair or colour. That was in April as I was enjoying my deepening friendships with wholesome people (that truly is what I called ‘The Christians’ when I met them and my main reason for doing so in the first place) and also questioning everything a lot. By that point I pretty much believed it all I just had not reconciled it with a commitment; and that was where things were scary (see my Baptism post for more info).
And so the metaphor goes on. It was just before the B that I first went to the hairdressers. The grey incident nonetheless. For me, that was the decision to live 'this life'. To put the colour back as it were. And it did start. OK, I was grey but I had begun the process. I made the choice and that alone makes all the difference. Not what I (or God) had in mind long term but the ground work was done and there was something to build upon. And build He has (see everything pretty much that has happened since!)...
And since then I have been back twice for more work. Once just before my travels and if you were to look at the Dublin photos you may have noticed (those of you that knew what colour my hair was before) that I was looking kinda ginge. Well, I was feeling it too. A combo of the professional visit and the new water and sunlight and all that jazz; Robyn noticed and she liked it, I think the same could be said for my growth inside as well. The trip was a defo era of change for me, as I may have mentioned once or twice. I also really did start to notice the hair then, I am not making this up!
What about the second time I went back to the hairdressers? I hear you ask. Well, that was today. And I really am so excited to post this now because as I was talking in the morning with a dear friend and really reconciling some of the things from these past few weeks - which have been seriously challenging at times but ALWAYS astoundingly God controlled - I was reminded that life really has changed amazingly and I have too. And then I went to the hairdressers (quite a 'chance' opportunity)… and I came out a Ginger! Talk about confirmation!!
I am not saying that I am 'there'. The colour is a bit darker than natural (implying I may need to calm down a little, or am I pushing this one too far?) and there is a vague layer at the back in a chocolate brown (totally not chavvy I swear) and a pale streak on the top that I feel has been left to remind me of the things I am yet to give up (note how much less of them there are, but they are still foe show). Plus, it is not natural it is a dye job and there are still many many years till the full length of my locks will be totally back to normal.
For now though, I a pretty content with where it leaves me. Basically, waiting 5-10 years for a total shoulder length regrowth (and by then I trust I will have a better idea of where I am headed and we can let the analogy rest in peace) is the long term extension of the analogy but I feel pretty secure. I don't doubt a top up will be needed at some point, but isn't it always?
As I write this sunbathing, between dips in my rooftop pool (it is a hard life), I can also add that it is long enough to tie up out of the water. Only just mind and that is the next step. More growth of the same thing and seeing it come through even realer with each passing cm. That is a pretty neat place to be in as I leave a month today and can look ahead feeling reassured that I am doing OK.
‘Cause I really do think that God is talking to me through a trip to the coiffeurs and that really this is all testimony to His creativity. Especially when I had been worrying about how right I was getting things, then He affirms me with a hair cut! If you had been there (bear in mind too that it is a training school) maybe you’d get the little miracle that just happened. They too were surprised it worked... but then, I am sure there will be a few more surprised faces back home too…
The faith paid off though and the rewards are being seriously reaped. You can’t make this shit up!
I am really quite serious when I say that for me my hair represents my own personal growth. I like to think this is a sign of my creativity rather than an appearance obsession. The way I see it is this: I am currently growing my hair long whilst at the same time trying to return to my natural strawberry blonde (it is a real colour; subset of ginge I don’t deny it but valid nonetheless). The journey that will ultimately bring me to that point represents the time and efforts I spend learning and changing and becoming more “As God intended me to be”. Granted, as with even the best analogies, it will break down; namely when I reach the desired goal and I find I myself will not yet be perfect. Also, if I ever want to get a perm or high lights please, don’t think I am changing myself or letting the sinful nature back in!
The thing is, it is hard to go from platinum to a red-based hue. I ravaged my fibres so much that they can barely hold pigment at all and, as the hair dresser said, peu par peu I will have to go back and get more colour added; then wait a month or so as it readjusts; then try again and so on and so forth. I would gradually get a little darker, but she was pretty doubtful that I would reach a good semblance of ‘me’ again. The real route to my goal is to wait and let my roots grow through so I can shed completely the tattered ends of the past. That is not to say that I cannot gradually recondition and indeed recolour the strands. Just that it would take time and patience and PERSEVERANCE and that ultimately the true true end result is a long long way off.
And that my friend is where I am at too. This is my Jesus summer school and the strive for a richer colour is there at many levels.
Now we are going to see how this correlates from the beginning of my time here. Believe me, it can be done... Last September I arrived and I had a hair goal. To grow it long and keep redoing the roots so I would end up with long straight platinum locks. Not unlike a porn star(!). Well, that plan went slowly down the pan as I had a communication issue with one hairdresser (sadly I must say that was in London so the language was not an excuse) and ended up with VERY short blonde hair. It was ok, I did the Debbie Harry thing for a while, but the point is I was on my way off the original objective. This happened in February, around the time I was really challenged about moving on from the past and wholeheartedly embracing the new things I was discovering. The next stages really just snuck in and before I knew it was trying to get ‘low lights’! Where that change of direction come from I do not know (possibly something to do with a prayer or two from me and one or two others!) but it happened and the desire did not cease. First time Zoe donned the plastic gloves of a home dye kit but that did not really take hold and so on my birthday I went and got it done professionally.
I had a lovely birthday btw (that is another story in the draft box) but I was finding with my hair that, while I liked the new colour, there was not enough of it. Hair or colour. That was in April as I was enjoying my deepening friendships with wholesome people (that truly is what I called ‘The Christians’ when I met them and my main reason for doing so in the first place) and also questioning everything a lot. By that point I pretty much believed it all I just had not reconciled it with a commitment; and that was where things were scary (see my Baptism post for more info).
And so the metaphor goes on. It was just before the B that I first went to the hairdressers. The grey incident nonetheless. For me, that was the decision to live 'this life'. To put the colour back as it were. And it did start. OK, I was grey but I had begun the process. I made the choice and that alone makes all the difference. Not what I (or God) had in mind long term but the ground work was done and there was something to build upon. And build He has (see everything pretty much that has happened since!)...
And since then I have been back twice for more work. Once just before my travels and if you were to look at the Dublin photos you may have noticed (those of you that knew what colour my hair was before) that I was looking kinda ginge. Well, I was feeling it too. A combo of the professional visit and the new water and sunlight and all that jazz; Robyn noticed and she liked it, I think the same could be said for my growth inside as well. The trip was a defo era of change for me, as I may have mentioned once or twice. I also really did start to notice the hair then, I am not making this up!
What about the second time I went back to the hairdressers? I hear you ask. Well, that was today. And I really am so excited to post this now because as I was talking in the morning with a dear friend and really reconciling some of the things from these past few weeks - which have been seriously challenging at times but ALWAYS astoundingly God controlled - I was reminded that life really has changed amazingly and I have too. And then I went to the hairdressers (quite a 'chance' opportunity)… and I came out a Ginger! Talk about confirmation!!
I am not saying that I am 'there'. The colour is a bit darker than natural (implying I may need to calm down a little, or am I pushing this one too far?) and there is a vague layer at the back in a chocolate brown (totally not chavvy I swear) and a pale streak on the top that I feel has been left to remind me of the things I am yet to give up (note how much less of them there are, but they are still foe show). Plus, it is not natural it is a dye job and there are still many many years till the full length of my locks will be totally back to normal.
For now though, I a pretty content with where it leaves me. Basically, waiting 5-10 years for a total shoulder length regrowth (and by then I trust I will have a better idea of where I am headed and we can let the analogy rest in peace) is the long term extension of the analogy but I feel pretty secure. I don't doubt a top up will be needed at some point, but isn't it always?
As I write this sunbathing, between dips in my rooftop pool (it is a hard life), I can also add that it is long enough to tie up out of the water. Only just mind and that is the next step. More growth of the same thing and seeing it come through even realer with each passing cm. That is a pretty neat place to be in as I leave a month today and can look ahead feeling reassured that I am doing OK.
‘Cause I really do think that God is talking to me through a trip to the coiffeurs and that really this is all testimony to His creativity. Especially when I had been worrying about how right I was getting things, then He affirms me with a hair cut! If you had been there (bear in mind too that it is a training school) maybe you’d get the little miracle that just happened. They too were surprised it worked... but then, I am sure there will be a few more surprised faces back home too…
The faith paid off though and the rewards are being seriously reaped. You can’t make this shit up!
Friday, June 20, 2008
Postdated Illustrations
Here are a few pictures that go with some of my past blogs. At the moment I haven't got space on my hard-drive for the travel ones but one day they might make their way here too...
Evidence for the story in Clichès and close calls. The angle doesn't do justice to the numbers by the way!
The November YAGs retreat weekend. Where Robyn and I first spent quality time together and the relationship began to blossom... Just as a bit of background to An affair to remember. This shot was taken on a hike up Le Mole in France (there's a story in there when I get the time).
This is the dear Cleopatra. Awwwwwwwww! Who's Cleopatra? See here: Cleopatra comin' at'cha and other incites.
This is the best pic I can find that demonstrates my grey hair (Everything is meaningless...). It also shows what a lovely pair Robyn and I make and how the reconciliation was really worth it (It's the little things)!
My sister came to see me Taking The Plunge. It was ACE and I loved having her here. We were both tackling fears together: she took flight and I plunged (it occurs to me that were we to have switched actions it would be terribly detrimental to both concerns...).
Well who'd have thought?! Just because it may possibly be the most Beautiful picture ever. This one is from my 'B' party. No labeling here, those who know you know you... ;)
Isn't this the most FABULOUS picture ever? Left to right (in descending order) Teresa, me, Gemma, The Girl With Brown Curly Hair. From the crazy day in the parc as mentioned in Coincidence?
I shall try and add visuals as I go from now on. Also, I do in time want to acknowledge fabulous things/events/people that haven't been mentioned on the blog as yet since, believe it or not, my life is bigger than what I write about on here! And it started before April 27th 2008, though some may argue that was merely the shadow of an existence...
Evidence for the story in Clichès and close calls. The angle doesn't do justice to the numbers by the way!
The November YAGs retreat weekend. Where Robyn and I first spent quality time together and the relationship began to blossom... Just as a bit of background to An affair to remember. This shot was taken on a hike up Le Mole in France (there's a story in there when I get the time).
This is the dear Cleopatra. Awwwwwwwww! Who's Cleopatra? See here: Cleopatra comin' at'cha and other incites.
This is the best pic I can find that demonstrates my grey hair (Everything is meaningless...). It also shows what a lovely pair Robyn and I make and how the reconciliation was really worth it (It's the little things)!
My sister came to see me Taking The Plunge. It was ACE and I loved having her here. We were both tackling fears together: she took flight and I plunged (it occurs to me that were we to have switched actions it would be terribly detrimental to both concerns...).
Well who'd have thought?! Just because it may possibly be the most Beautiful picture ever. This one is from my 'B' party. No labeling here, those who know you know you... ;)
Isn't this the most FABULOUS picture ever? Left to right (in descending order) Teresa, me, Gemma, The Girl With Brown Curly Hair. From the crazy day in the parc as mentioned in Coincidence?
I shall try and add visuals as I go from now on. Also, I do in time want to acknowledge fabulous things/events/people that haven't been mentioned on the blog as yet since, believe it or not, my life is bigger than what I write about on here! And it started before April 27th 2008, though some may argue that was merely the shadow of an existence...
Friday, June 13, 2008
Package Deals
A review.
My trip is coming to an end. Indeed, I am in my final destination as I write this and come ce soir I will be back in the Brooker-Bright love nest, complete with lots of dirty washing and a serious need for intensive conditioner... I don't think I have ever been this excited about people speaking French to me; I sure won't miss looking like a total retard - partial suits me so much better.
So what say me about the whole experience? Well, I am not entirely sure if I have managed to capture just how much of a blessing my travels have been, so I suppose I shall just state it in a really boring obvious manner - better that than miss the point entirely and have you thinking I just had a nice lil' hoilday, which frankly would be an utter misjudgment.
For one thing, I have had a fair few experiences where I have not been conventionally happy. That is to say I've cried, been angry, been lost, been lonely, been starkly not lonely(!), missed opportunities and wasted precious time on fruitless pursuits. In all of this I have at times wanted to give up, go home, throw things or get drunk. Some of those things I may well even have done...!
So, what is my point exactly?
God was with me the whole time.
Do you know the 'Carlsberg don't make [insert word here] but if they did they would probably be the best [repeat word here] in the world' adverts? Well, foolishly and more for the sake of the phrase, I was about to say that God doesn't make holidays but if He did they would doubtless be the best holidays the world. Then I realised that God DOES make holidays. He is a travel agent. An agent of all things in fact. He's an interior designer, a consultant physician, a head chef and a traffic warden. There ain't nothing that He can't do and whatever He does do He do's the best.
What a fabulous role model for us all. That and a continual blessing :-)
I've learnt so much about listening to God, then relistening to God (and no doubt in due course will be learning to rerelisten to Him too). I eventually got the realisation that He wants to be my number 1 all the time and have since been delighted as He started to show me how. Even better, as I made mistakes and felt like I was failing at putting Him first, He showed me that it was ok. Wanna hear a cute story as to how?
Well, I gonna tell you anyway.
Remember how I said in Vienna that I gave someone directions having just got off the train? Well, as I wrote about it in my journal (like my blog but with the juicy bits left in and souvenir train tickets stuck inside the front cover) I realised that God was doing more than giving me a friendly face. What happened was this:
She approached me about 30 seconds after I had left the flat for the first time. I was taking a walk and was in a 'bit' of a bad mood - tired from traveling and being a grumpy cow that was frightfully aware of it and totally inept at dealing with it. Just before we met I had been saying to God how I had let Him down/would shortly be doing so. You know, when you feel bad about it but haven't got the drive to stop it happening? I warned Him that I would be no use at all in Vienna but was instead falling off the path for a bit, which was really rubbish given I thought I had been doing so well since my B and had half hoped it was be the end of all that crap! (Note, I am a perfectionist and am well aware that this was not realstic but was clinging onto the dead sinful nature part of things as opposed to the thorn in the flesh warning... but that's a whole other topic.)
Anyway. A sweet Austrian girl at the tram stop asks me for directions to the number 37 (we were at 37a which strangely is in a totally different place). Observe here that everyone it seems speaks two languages - I felt like a reet fool. (And by here I mean anywhere that isn't England). Now, David had recently texted me info for getting into town using the number 37 tram and at the time I had thought "Fool why did you do that? I have to be at your place in an hour so as to let you in 'cause you gave me your keys..." Suddenly, the message had a use and I was able to take Agnes to the stop. We had a nice but pretty mundane conversation and afterwards I was like "Ok God, it gave me sommat to do I 'spose. No major wisdom or messages from You but maybe it was supposed to cheer me up, what with her cute smiley Austrianess". It didn't really work but at least I felt a bit good helping her get there.
Then it hit me (only two days later) that what He was really saying is this:
It doesn't matter if you are being or feeling rubbish, God can still equip and use you to His own special purpose if you let Him.
Now, stands to reason really. I mean, I don't know about you but I am pretty sure that even when I am on 'top form' I am probably not actually as good as Jesus. So, seeing as we always have to be topped up by God in order to be of effect, what difference do our own fluctuating and finite measures of goodness make anyway?
The key is not in how much we have to offer: it is never enough (remember the loaves and fishes...). It is in the offering that He rejoices and uses us. Obvious when you think about it but how cool that He will arrange the universe around us, just to make sure the message gets through?
For those of you avid followers that saw me planning my social life in the comments, I am currently sitting in an über cute farmhouse about an hour outside of Zurich. I didn't make it to the city and will not now given how late it has gotten, but what I did do was SO MUCH better I don't care in the slightest. More to follow but basically God was at work yet again and I slept in a Heidi hayloft last night and petted a cow this afternoon. Could it be more of a Swiss experience?
Geneva I have missed you and can't wait to get back; but be warned, I done gone changed again. Two and a half weeks post baptism, I would say a big fat "Wow!". Who the hell am I anyway?
Laters, x
My trip is coming to an end. Indeed, I am in my final destination as I write this and come ce soir I will be back in the Brooker-Bright love nest, complete with lots of dirty washing and a serious need for intensive conditioner... I don't think I have ever been this excited about people speaking French to me; I sure won't miss looking like a total retard - partial suits me so much better.
So what say me about the whole experience? Well, I am not entirely sure if I have managed to capture just how much of a blessing my travels have been, so I suppose I shall just state it in a really boring obvious manner - better that than miss the point entirely and have you thinking I just had a nice lil' hoilday, which frankly would be an utter misjudgment.
For one thing, I have had a fair few experiences where I have not been conventionally happy. That is to say I've cried, been angry, been lost, been lonely, been starkly not lonely(!), missed opportunities and wasted precious time on fruitless pursuits. In all of this I have at times wanted to give up, go home, throw things or get drunk. Some of those things I may well even have done...!
So, what is my point exactly?
God was with me the whole time.
Do you know the 'Carlsberg don't make [insert word here] but if they did they would probably be the best [repeat word here] in the world' adverts? Well, foolishly and more for the sake of the phrase, I was about to say that God doesn't make holidays but if He did they would doubtless be the best holidays the world. Then I realised that God DOES make holidays. He is a travel agent. An agent of all things in fact. He's an interior designer, a consultant physician, a head chef and a traffic warden. There ain't nothing that He can't do and whatever He does do He do's the best.
What a fabulous role model for us all. That and a continual blessing :-)
I've learnt so much about listening to God, then relistening to God (and no doubt in due course will be learning to rerelisten to Him too). I eventually got the realisation that He wants to be my number 1 all the time and have since been delighted as He started to show me how. Even better, as I made mistakes and felt like I was failing at putting Him first, He showed me that it was ok. Wanna hear a cute story as to how?
Well, I gonna tell you anyway.
Remember how I said in Vienna that I gave someone directions having just got off the train? Well, as I wrote about it in my journal (like my blog but with the juicy bits left in and souvenir train tickets stuck inside the front cover) I realised that God was doing more than giving me a friendly face. What happened was this:
She approached me about 30 seconds after I had left the flat for the first time. I was taking a walk and was in a 'bit' of a bad mood - tired from traveling and being a grumpy cow that was frightfully aware of it and totally inept at dealing with it. Just before we met I had been saying to God how I had let Him down/would shortly be doing so. You know, when you feel bad about it but haven't got the drive to stop it happening? I warned Him that I would be no use at all in Vienna but was instead falling off the path for a bit, which was really rubbish given I thought I had been doing so well since my B and had half hoped it was be the end of all that crap! (Note, I am a perfectionist and am well aware that this was not realstic but was clinging onto the dead sinful nature part of things as opposed to the thorn in the flesh warning... but that's a whole other topic.)
Anyway. A sweet Austrian girl at the tram stop asks me for directions to the number 37 (we were at 37a which strangely is in a totally different place). Observe here that everyone it seems speaks two languages - I felt like a reet fool. (And by here I mean anywhere that isn't England). Now, David had recently texted me info for getting into town using the number 37 tram and at the time I had thought "Fool why did you do that? I have to be at your place in an hour so as to let you in 'cause you gave me your keys..." Suddenly, the message had a use and I was able to take Agnes to the stop. We had a nice but pretty mundane conversation and afterwards I was like "Ok God, it gave me sommat to do I 'spose. No major wisdom or messages from You but maybe it was supposed to cheer me up, what with her cute smiley Austrianess". It didn't really work but at least I felt a bit good helping her get there.
Then it hit me (only two days later) that what He was really saying is this:
It doesn't matter if you are being or feeling rubbish, God can still equip and use you to His own special purpose if you let Him.
Now, stands to reason really. I mean, I don't know about you but I am pretty sure that even when I am on 'top form' I am probably not actually as good as Jesus. So, seeing as we always have to be topped up by God in order to be of effect, what difference do our own fluctuating and finite measures of goodness make anyway?
The key is not in how much we have to offer: it is never enough (remember the loaves and fishes...). It is in the offering that He rejoices and uses us. Obvious when you think about it but how cool that He will arrange the universe around us, just to make sure the message gets through?
For those of you avid followers that saw me planning my social life in the comments, I am currently sitting in an über cute farmhouse about an hour outside of Zurich. I didn't make it to the city and will not now given how late it has gotten, but what I did do was SO MUCH better I don't care in the slightest. More to follow but basically God was at work yet again and I slept in a Heidi hayloft last night and petted a cow this afternoon. Could it be more of a Swiss experience?
Geneva I have missed you and can't wait to get back; but be warned, I done gone changed again. Two and a half weeks post baptism, I would say a big fat "Wow!". Who the hell am I anyway?
Laters, x
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Coffee and Sacraments
It's been a whole day since I blogged. You think you've suffered, imagine what it's like in my head with all the latest ideas swimming about. Think about it, if I can publish 7 posts over 2 days when things are quiet imagine how much I have to write about when I've been too busy to blog?
So, what will this one be about then? I think I shall write about today now and then maybe do yesterday this evening, if that makes sense. It’s not that I think I have to give a detailed account of my whole life on here (well, it would be ideal obviously but a little over reaching me thinks) and indeed I am still behind when it comes to cool stories from two weekends ago. It's just I’ve just had lots of fabulously cool things happen and 'profound' thoughts crop up that I want to share.
First off, I am in Starbucks writing this. And it is the one by the hairdressers (Rive); AKA the one with the mean lady. I arranged to meet Robyn here after music practise and the risk factor didn’t occur to me until I was in the queue and saw her behind the counter. It was definitely her and short of upping stakes and heading to the other side of the river (which wasn’t really an option) I was going to have to ask her for my coffee *expresses look of trepidation*. So, I decided to pray. Just a quick bless her and bless my Venti Frappuccino Mocha Light avec noisettes. Do you know what, it worked. I got service with a smile, she doubled checked my order and it all came through perfectly. I even went back, skipping ahead of a long queue, to ask for 2 Internet access cards and she gave me them with a smile. Now, that to me is like honey from a rock.
Rubbish, I've written loads of junk without even going into the revelations I had planned. Tell you what, I’ll make a quick comment about the post-baptism week instead then write another one later to break it up for you.
It has been cool. I feel really different. I am quite delighted by this fact give that at the time it felt like a big risk and I was scared of a let down; more so than in coming to this Starbucks. I suppose last Sunday was a little bit like today. I was standing in that queue and saying “God, I could walk out right but I have a lot staked on this (a good seat, a settled friend and no nearby alternative) so could you just take over the situation please”. Similarly last week as I waited to get dunked it was all about “God I have a lot staked on this and absolutely NO alternative but there is still a lot ahead that terrifies me so would you be able to take over”. Tenuous analogy but true. So, really what I am saying is that even over one week I am more convicted of the decision to do it. I am a New Creation and really feel like it is the start of the rest of my life – a proper rebirth. He does comes through for you. Woohoo! :-D
Yeah, baptism is great, it is a physical act that works in the spiritual world and makes an actual tangible difference within. You do need to have some faith else it is just getting wet, but a mustard seed’s worth is enough for God to do great things with. Even now I find myself liking the obvious sins less and less (leaving it clear for me to notice and struggle with the less obvious ones mind!) and that is ‘cause I am changing. And once He has you He won’t let you go and you will only become more and more part of his 'flock' (check out John chpt 10) so I am excited to see how I will feel at 2 weeks old. Yeah there is temptation from all sides and regular hiccups (and that is only the ones I am aware of) but I am not the same person I once was and that in itself gives me a fighting chance.
In everything pray. You will grow more, glorify God better and get the coffee that you ordered complete with a smile!
So, what will this one be about then? I think I shall write about today now and then maybe do yesterday this evening, if that makes sense. It’s not that I think I have to give a detailed account of my whole life on here (well, it would be ideal obviously but a little over reaching me thinks) and indeed I am still behind when it comes to cool stories from two weekends ago. It's just I’ve just had lots of fabulously cool things happen and 'profound' thoughts crop up that I want to share.
First off, I am in Starbucks writing this. And it is the one by the hairdressers (Rive); AKA the one with the mean lady. I arranged to meet Robyn here after music practise and the risk factor didn’t occur to me until I was in the queue and saw her behind the counter. It was definitely her and short of upping stakes and heading to the other side of the river (which wasn’t really an option) I was going to have to ask her for my coffee *expresses look of trepidation*. So, I decided to pray. Just a quick bless her and bless my Venti Frappuccino Mocha Light avec noisettes. Do you know what, it worked. I got service with a smile, she doubled checked my order and it all came through perfectly. I even went back, skipping ahead of a long queue, to ask for 2 Internet access cards and she gave me them with a smile. Now, that to me is like honey from a rock.
Rubbish, I've written loads of junk without even going into the revelations I had planned. Tell you what, I’ll make a quick comment about the post-baptism week instead then write another one later to break it up for you.
It has been cool. I feel really different. I am quite delighted by this fact give that at the time it felt like a big risk and I was scared of a let down; more so than in coming to this Starbucks. I suppose last Sunday was a little bit like today. I was standing in that queue and saying “God, I could walk out right but I have a lot staked on this (a good seat, a settled friend and no nearby alternative) so could you just take over the situation please”. Similarly last week as I waited to get dunked it was all about “God I have a lot staked on this and absolutely NO alternative but there is still a lot ahead that terrifies me so would you be able to take over”. Tenuous analogy but true. So, really what I am saying is that even over one week I am more convicted of the decision to do it. I am a New Creation and really feel like it is the start of the rest of my life – a proper rebirth. He does comes through for you. Woohoo! :-D
Yeah, baptism is great, it is a physical act that works in the spiritual world and makes an actual tangible difference within. You do need to have some faith else it is just getting wet, but a mustard seed’s worth is enough for God to do great things with. Even now I find myself liking the obvious sins less and less (leaving it clear for me to notice and struggle with the less obvious ones mind!) and that is ‘cause I am changing. And once He has you He won’t let you go and you will only become more and more part of his 'flock' (check out John chpt 10) so I am excited to see how I will feel at 2 weeks old. Yeah there is temptation from all sides and regular hiccups (and that is only the ones I am aware of) but I am not the same person I once was and that in itself gives me a fighting chance.
In everything pray. You will grow more, glorify God better and get the coffee that you ordered complete with a smile!
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Little bit of an understatement
Today when I went to French we spent the whole evening making CDs! I shouldn't admit to this 'cause it is a little bit cheeky but my teacher has the most amazing collection of worship music and I am a little bit on the sparse front so she got all excited about me burning my own. It was only 2 and I'll buy them as time goes by I promise... Anyway, I've invested my emotions and staked my reputation on this, surely I don't need to put down cold hard cash just yet?
Being facetious aside, I did it. Judge me. The fun part is that I got to put stickers all over the sleeves and we literally spent 2 hours making up a Noah's ark scene on one and putting typical 'lady' favourites on the other (kittens, flowers and the silhouette of a women holding a parasol). Not very relevant but very cute and there were some tract stickers too.
So then, when I showed it to Robyn, the best bit happens. Reading aloud from one of the stickers I say:
"A cheerful heart is like a good medicine."
...and she says:
"Ooooh, it's got little sayings on it."
Yes Robyn, little sayings. Did you know they've put them together in a book called Proverbs? Then that got put in an even bigger book that you have chosen to build your life upon.
Bless her!
One other thing I liked about the CD making was seeing a group called Watermark. I got all soppy, what with me being "watermarked" now. Getting baptised was so the right thing to do and I have even had my first resisting of a major temptation! Whoop!! (As opposed to whoops...)
Final observation on this topic. The song with Graham Kendrick feat. Matt Redman. Talk about a collaboration, big names from across the decades, like some kinda bangin' Timberland track mixing up the styles but always keeping it slick.
Christian music. I am looking forward to discovering you...
Being facetious aside, I did it. Judge me. The fun part is that I got to put stickers all over the sleeves and we literally spent 2 hours making up a Noah's ark scene on one and putting typical 'lady' favourites on the other (kittens, flowers and the silhouette of a women holding a parasol). Not very relevant but very cute and there were some tract stickers too.
So then, when I showed it to Robyn, the best bit happens. Reading aloud from one of the stickers I say:
"A cheerful heart is like a good medicine."
...and she says:
"Ooooh, it's got little sayings on it."
Yes Robyn, little sayings. Did you know they've put them together in a book called Proverbs? Then that got put in an even bigger book that you have chosen to build your life upon.
Bless her!
One other thing I liked about the CD making was seeing a group called Watermark. I got all soppy, what with me being "watermarked" now. Getting baptised was so the right thing to do and I have even had my first resisting of a major temptation! Whoop!! (As opposed to whoops...)
Final observation on this topic. The song with Graham Kendrick feat. Matt Redman. Talk about a collaboration, big names from across the decades, like some kinda bangin' Timberland track mixing up the styles but always keeping it slick.
Christian music. I am looking forward to discovering you...
Monday, May 26, 2008
I really ought to have better things to do with my day than write yet ANOTHER blog
This was my Facebook horoscope today (bearing in mind they change sporadically and are seldom-to-never right but always entertaining when they do happen to overlap with real life):
Aries: Someone will try to put an idea in your head that goes against what you believe, but you won't fall for it.
Does anyone else see the irony that the day after I get baptised I am forewarned about temptation? Good thing I will succeed in resisting...!
Aries: Someone will try to put an idea in your head that goes against what you believe, but you won't fall for it.
Does anyone else see the irony that the day after I get baptised I am forewarned about temptation? Good thing I will succeed in resisting...!
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Taking The Plunge
Today I got baptised. That is exciting but it is late so I will probably not say too much. I do however want to write sommat rather than nothing.
I was going to tell a cool story all about God manifesting Himself to me/a huge coincidence that looked to me like God manifesting Himself but I am tired and don't think I would give it enough credit so instead I will make small talk about what a nice day it was.
I also want to note that I am aware this entry misses out a lot of gaps in the story between thinking God exists and becoming a fully fledged (though very much baby) Christian. This will just have to remain so until I slot in some random insights (or not so random incites) that may go part way to explain, though cannot account for the mystery that is faith.
It was very scary for me to do this 'cause I am not one for major commitment or indeed final decisions (you should see me in a restaurant and then try and translate this to life altering choices) and baptism is kinda like getting married to Jesus (with a bit of a funeral for sin thrown in) so I find it to be quite a significant option. However, fear is a good thing to conquer and so that is what we did. You gotta take risks at some point or nothing will ever happen and the good thing about God is He makes promises that He has to keep so though it is like getting married to the invisible man He can still be held accountable in the physical dimension. And, bonus, by definition of omnipotence and such He is better husband material than most.
After a lovely if not overwhelming morning, vast lunch gathering at Spaghetti Factory and Starbucks with my wonderful sister (she flew over for the big event even when I made a big disclaimer that I may not do it) and my fabulous Canadian lady-husband I suddenly found myself 'absconded' by them to a surprise 'B' party. That was cool 'cause they themed everything around the letter which is GREAT when that involves Brut Bubbly, Bread, Brie, Biscuits, Brown chocolate (tenuous but well worth it) and Beautiful Brian! It was really touching both that they fore-planned this and that the dearies that organised it went totally against my secrecy wishes in order that it would happen 'cause they were sure I would 'take the plunge' even if I was not!
So, I just cut out half of this post 'cause I'd written a final thought last night that grew too big and I know what you people are like about getting bored halfway through. Now there is no good ending I shall just tail off...
S'pose when the subject is baptism I don't have to be all conclusive, what with it being about a new beginning an' all.
I was going to tell a cool story all about God manifesting Himself to me/a huge coincidence that looked to me like God manifesting Himself but I am tired and don't think I would give it enough credit so instead I will make small talk about what a nice day it was.
I also want to note that I am aware this entry misses out a lot of gaps in the story between thinking God exists and becoming a fully fledged (though very much baby) Christian. This will just have to remain so until I slot in some random insights (or not so random incites) that may go part way to explain, though cannot account for the mystery that is faith.
It was very scary for me to do this 'cause I am not one for major commitment or indeed final decisions (you should see me in a restaurant and then try and translate this to life altering choices) and baptism is kinda like getting married to Jesus (with a bit of a funeral for sin thrown in) so I find it to be quite a significant option. However, fear is a good thing to conquer and so that is what we did. You gotta take risks at some point or nothing will ever happen and the good thing about God is He makes promises that He has to keep so though it is like getting married to the invisible man He can still be held accountable in the physical dimension. And, bonus, by definition of omnipotence and such He is better husband material than most.
After a lovely if not overwhelming morning, vast lunch gathering at Spaghetti Factory and Starbucks with my wonderful sister (she flew over for the big event even when I made a big disclaimer that I may not do it) and my fabulous Canadian lady-husband I suddenly found myself 'absconded' by them to a surprise 'B' party. That was cool 'cause they themed everything around the letter which is GREAT when that involves Brut Bubbly, Bread, Brie, Biscuits, Brown chocolate (tenuous but well worth it) and Beautiful Brian! It was really touching both that they fore-planned this and that the dearies that organised it went totally against my secrecy wishes in order that it would happen 'cause they were sure I would 'take the plunge' even if I was not!
So, I just cut out half of this post 'cause I'd written a final thought last night that grew too big and I know what you people are like about getting bored halfway through. Now there is no good ending I shall just tail off...
S'pose when the subject is baptism I don't have to be all conclusive, what with it being about a new beginning an' all.
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