"Dreams can come true, look at me babe I'm with you..."

That was what came on my car radio last night as I came back from Michelle's and I meant to mention it in my blog but I never. So now I have. If this whole God thing really has come together then absolutely anything actually is possible - there was a time I never thought He could be with me and now look: He is and I still can't get over it.

Which is the reason that I am slowly going from being a person who expected things never to work out to someone who is always expecting everything to. Moments of absolute disdain aside (which can take a large chunk out of some of my days, granted) I have been having loads of hope recently. Ridiculous amounts. Raising them stakes good and high. The way I see it, if God is gonna top anything I can conceive of then the best thing for me to do is think BIG. That's a boring game theory model. Think BIG get BIGGER. Think small get Medium. There is no payoff formula is there? I think the answer is "Duh, Supersize me".

So today I did. I dreamed SO big. I planned the next 30 years of my life. There were lots of gaps, don't get me wrong, and I am not saying this all has to happen or else, I just figured "why not get excited by the possibilities?" Some of it is crazy and made up and I won't be really disappointed if becoming Prime Minister doesn't happen (hell, I'm not entirely sure how I would feel about a woman running the country!) and exactly how Eastern Europe comes into it is flexible... but some of it I can see clearly in one shape or another. Like community building in Bristol, being a homemaker (not the same as housewife), working with the homeless, female identity empowerment (not "female empowerment" which sounds a lot like feminism and I don't mean at all), starting a music project that gives opportunity to the deprived and disadvantaged and shares love with the world. I even decided that I probably did need a husband at some point and now have a pretty good feel of what he would need to be up for and capable of!! They're not all bad after all...

So I was kinda stoked about this vision. It clearly isn't going to look exactly like this but I reckon that God is putting some stuff in particular on my heart. And I really do get that if His alternative is to be, say a stay home mum for example, then that would be the better thing.

At the same time I was aware it's important that, in my expecting of great stuff and amazing gifts, how God wants to use me is so not about me. Which is really really hard. I don't know about you but I have this huge imagination which is lots of fun and exciting and enables me to see the "bigger picture" but it also leads me to get carried away with things that are just "cool". The advance autobiography that I wrote for myself would have gotten well loads of credit I swear. I would be everybody's fave prime minister and change the world... whilst also fabulously managing a family of 4/5 and recording several albums. And what with my "childlike" faith that God can do it I am prime candidate for missing the point that He probably shouldn't. I struggle enough with pride (when I'm not struggling with feeling down on myself, obviously) indeed even as I write I am proud that I have recognised this danger in advance! I just can't win...

So I'm sitting at this concert tonight with my sister, contemplating all these important things in my young brain, when God starts stirring a bit more. The gig was amazing. A team of musicians that work with prisoners and ex-prisoners as a rehab type thingy - called changing tunes, check it out. Some of the most powerful songs I have ever heard, particularly one that just spelled out in incredible "The Streets" style this really gritty gripping reality of the unhealthy complicated status between men and women. It all just added to the realisation that music is an amazing tool with the capacity to change lives and bring light. Hurrah! Inspiring much? Coincidence? I knew that I wanted to work with homeless people and "disadvantaged" youth 'cause that's where I have been "moved" and where my albeit limited experiences lie, so the prison work was a really cool overlap but with plenty of scope to bring it to others.

'Cause of course that is my priority. Tapping a new market. Helping people that have no other options. Really making a BIG difference. Being something incredible that makes people go wow and gives a warm fuzzy glow at the *number* of lives changed. Getting my M.B.E.

So I have to laugh when at the interval one of the musicians gets up and talks about this new project that has been set up in the kinda funky-but-really-quite-dodge part of town where there is already a huge vision for change and love revolution. A vision I already feel both excited by and jealous of. The project described ticks in every way what I had just decided to call my life works.

I can't help it. I feel like I missed the window, not been there from the start. Now I'm trying to carve out a special role for me in The Kingdom but really I mean in The World 'cause that is the place that my accolade would be coming from. I arrived back in England to see the beginning of a radical church movement in Bristol, a revolution underway; and though I'd been praying and excited and certain of it happening before I got here I was kinda annoyed that no-one waited. There have been people praying for decades but I had claims on the particular power of mine and where is the recognition? No-one even knows I exist.

So what is this post about? Well, I figure seeing as I don't get to be a "founder" of the self-harmony (it even has a cool name) thing and will no doubt have to be a "worker" instead then the least I could do is put it somewhere in writing that I thought of it too... independently of them!

Lol. I figure this is kinda how we are, right? People. Crap. Yet not. But still so. It's funny, sometimes if I'm really quiet I think I can hear my sinful nature fighting with the Holy Spirit as though they were sitting on my shoulders.

I know, I always have I think since I resigned myself to Christ, that it isn't about me. That community is the best thing and that as I allow it to become important and the love takes over then I will believe in it increasingly, till one day I know it wholeheartedly in every circumstance. Just it sucks when you want to be a pop star! Or anything else.

We see it everywhere you know, taking ownership. Even in the church. Duh, particularly. Even when it is about what God is doing people love to be able to claim that He is doing it just for them, because of what they have been doing and how they have been seeking. Even when it is a community it is a limited community, just you and your friends. Even when it is the Christian world as a whole we forget that it isn't just for us but for EVERYONE and get comfy and superior.

So what will I do? Write my plan in pencil I suppose. Go where He wants. Trust that the timing isn't a fudge and that I will be put in the right place even if that place is somewhere really small - which presumably it will be when my humility is still so small. I think that humility and importance are directly proportional you know. He only lifts people up that don't care - which is why I'm trying so hard not to!

One thing I read that is really helpful for me in my motivations lately (I can spend a long time over-analysing things and getting very confused about what is actually going on in my heart) is something Paul wrote. It's funny, I used to really hate that guy but he does say some good shit:

I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself.

Which makes sense given how fickle and complicated we are.

So I will carry on dreaming and believing and seeking and petitioning what is on my heart to the best of my own understanding but there really is very little point in me trying to figure it all out, what with the constant internal battle. If God didn't put it in me then it won't last long, what with the victory having been won. I just have to let Him carry on changing me.

It does suck though. At the moment it still sucks... but I am a work in progress and the masterpiece is yet to be reveal...!

Crazy Little Thing Called Love

I just had a lovely girly night out. Day in fact. I spent the afternoon at the Christmas market in Bath with a friend from Geneva who now lives in South UK (which is great!) and then came back for a chocolate party with "my ladies" and other friends. SO great. It was buy nothing day but I decided that legalism loses to relationship any time and so went shopping. Consumerism is my pet hate but it totally doesn't win over love :o)

Then I went out with this wonderful chick named Whitney. She is from Toronto!! I love having Canadian friends, I am so used to them now it would suck if I didn't know any. We were going out to party with her friend for his bday but we had one of those moments where, like, it was totally, just, impossibly rubbish. You know? Got in a taxi across Bris (wearing heels and also on rapist alert) and so that cost like £8 to find out that they were about to head back across town to go to a club that, I kid you not, we got into the taxi in front of.

Now, I might fool you as a clubbing girl but to be honest I am too lazy. I like to dance but I don't like to be out tired when there is a journey ahead of me and I could have been in bed already. It's quite a sad confession. I had gotten all excited but then when it came down to it I was not that cool. My feet were hurting, I didn't know anybody and we had just wasted money to be in this uncomfortable place. I nearly panicked. I lie, I had a full minute and a half where I wanted to cry over the obvious mistake. Why didn't I assert against this? Then, in my place of prayer and repentance (possible unnecessary use of word there) God made things OK. I decided we weren't going to go - I have to sing at church in the morning anyway and there was no way that the way to correct a mistake is to keep persevering at it! But we were already on Gloucester Road so we made the most of it: went for a drink together and then picked up chips (from the best chippy in Bristol) on the way home! And lo, God made something good out of it... Thank you :-)

So, what's all this about love in the title? Well, the thing is that when girls get together, I can't lie, we talk about boys. We don't ONLY talk about boys but it does have a tendency to come up. If you have one, if you want one, if you don't have one, if you don't want one...! It doesn't stop being interesting. All day it had been somehow or other on the agenda and so I come home thinking about how I feel about them. Which is mixed.

As I have shared before, I have had a bit of a tendency to be in a dependent place with men. Seeing them as an easy fix for the love that we are all programmed to desire but should be finding in God. This would be an all too simple way to describe my relationship problems. Now I don't think I am worse that other people but today I want to address the common theme of conversation and share some thoughts (albeit it in a convoluted manner), which are quite the opposite of previous assertions. I don't just struggle with too much want of relationships... oh no, in keeping with the popular theme of "complicated" too often it is all about the not wanting them enough...

We are talking about fear of commitment. Or maybe not commitment but affection. Or a mixture of all kinds of scary tings. I wrote a poem t'other day that says it a lot better so I will now copy that in:

So many people are afraid of love
Afraid to feel love
Afraid to be loved
Afraid to not feel love
Afraid to not be loved
Why are we afraid?
Fear: There to protect us
A response to something more powerful than us
We fear God because he is Awesome
God is love
Is that why we fear love?

The theory: That when we fear God we need not fear anything else
Though there are many things more powerful than me there are none more powerful than He
But that does not make me think that when I fear it is always right and good
I often fear when I should not
‘Tis not my vulnerability but independency that stops me being worry free

Love
So beautiful yet so fierce
There is every chance it will destroy one heart… two… more?
We have a reaction that tells us fight or flight in the face of danger
So tell me, is that why we run and just ignore?
A threat
Keep it far away and not live to regret
A broken heart just cannot be worth the risk of it

Love
Descended from God
Corrupted for sure but in essence Oh so pure
This fear must be a lie
Born out of brokenness and all set up to make us miss what God has in store
A damaged heart is always going to be a risk when we are gambling with love less perfect than His
But remember who is in charge
The only one to fear, the reason you are here, the restorer of the broken heart
Mine will not be destroyed ‘cause God is on guard

My point? I am pretentious. More seriously, that both these extremes are negative. I have been all too down on relationships in the past I confess (eg) but at the same time I realise that they are a great example of God's love for us (read these lyrics and tell me they aren't divinely inspired) when used correctly. There is no way that God wants us to avoid dependency in relationships, romantic or otherwise, this is just another lot of deception to discover.

What is the application to life? I don't know! My hair's not long enough anyway... It's just gossip over red wine and chocolate fondue. I need to go to bed now... x

Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometime

It's definitely wrong to make three posts in one night... but I've not been blogging in ages... I don't reckon I will for a while... and I think I may have just had one of those really tangibly "deep" moments. This post is going to be working things out as I go and who knows if it will make it to the publishing stage. Whatever happens, it will probably be real... and narcissistic.

I just watched "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". That is a cue for anyone that doesn't find this film meaningful to stop reading now. I had never seen it, I knew it was a classic, the story sounded interesting indeed but I think that I avoided it because I could not deal with the concept of forgetting. I am, as I may have mentioned, a hoarder. Of all things, tangible and existential. I've been facing up to this challenge of late and the timing was perfect.

'Cause recently I have been doing some active forgetting. Recently as in this past year since God starting changing my life, these past 3 months since I got back to England, these past few weeks as I've been facing some residual memories, these last few days as I've had to challenge all of the above. The imagery is a big boulder that He smashed to pieces with His love and the revelation thereof but now He is going around picking out the bits of gravel - and some of them are pretty wedged in.

I threw out a bag of "stuff" last week which was neat. Took it with me from London to Bristol to deal with but couldn't face getting it out the car till then. Nothing specifically dodge but I needed to let it go for memories sake. I'm pretty sure that when I go back at Christmas there will be a whole lot more of that to do and so I'm getting ready...

Last night (late Friday) I had a conversation I shouldn't have about a person I don't know anymore. You know, when you can tell you are in an unhealthy discussion and that there is a lot of potential for badness but you are tired, hurting and frankly too stupid to know better. I was challenged on my memories and came away not sure what I recall as fact and fiction - problem with saying things best unsaid is that you end up hearing things best unheard. Let's call a spade a spade, I'd "erased" someone from my life and sometimes they do just creep back in.

The risk of being someone with a past (i.e. anyone) that can't be wiped clear whether you want to, don't want to or sometimes want to, is that it stays around. Even when we are sanctified by the blood of Jesus; even when we have forgiven, are guilt free and looking ahead; our brains have an uncanny way of wanting to defy all the best intentions in the world. I know that it is a decision I must make to move forward. It's a decision I have already made without any doubt in my mind, yet it is a decision I must continue to keep making. Still, having a piece of history based around love - which is what we seem to base our most significant things around - is messy 'cause it mixes up good stuff with not good stuff and leaves the two so tangled you can end up throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

We shouldn't say goodbye to love but we must learn to extract it back for ourselves and put it to better use somewhere else. I don't want to leave my heart in a memory then try and erase the memory but equally I don't want to carry the crap around with me.

The thing that really struck me was that the minute before I watched the film I read a poem (have been trawling the labyrinth of my files, hence the sudden splurge of them) and I had opened one I did not recognise then forgotten so that it popped up when I was closing programs. It's from last October and isn't very positive: all about stuff going wrong really...

What comes before a fall?
“They” say pride.
The inevitable fall out of a conceited heart
Just desserts on every part

What comes before a fall?
I say hope.
The inevitable fall out of an expectant heart
Just surviving alone in the dark

What is it that makes a fail?
Pushing resources beyond the mark
With pacing yourself and working hard
Success will entail, set you apart

What is it that makes me fail?
Trying for something I cannot live out?
Or speaking the words that make it go south?
Having an attitude full of doubt

How to avoid the spiraling doom?
Cannot expect for risk of defeat
Instead, telling forth, I sow what I reap.
When what we believe is the key to our curse
With each emphasis it gets worse and worse

Can the pattern be broken?
One thing’s for sure
Writing this verse isn’t the cure

I just love that it is about self-curses which is effectively what we put in place when we hold onto our broken memories and give them power in our lives. I suppose the point is a reminder that we need to break the patterns. Not be moping over the defeat or the fall or anything else that is going to drag us down but by letting the memory be where it is, in the past. God doesn't want to give us a hope and a past now does He? Jesus came to make all things new.

So don't tell me that that film is all about the need to remember things you sometimes want to forget. It is about dealing with memories properly. Not running away but also not deciding that they are all there is to the truth. We are/should be changing all the time into what we don't fully know but memories can only tell us about the past, not the future.

"What a loss to spend that much time with someone, only to find out she’s a stranger." The fear of letting go is that we have wasted time but ironically the more we hold onto it the more we waste. There's gonna be no junk in heaven anyway so why have it here on earth? It's funny, you get warned about storing up your treasures on earth but sometimes we are storing up far worse things.

Change your heart, look around you. Change your heart, it will astound you. Parting theme tune, parting theme. Goodnight.

I start off rambling, I sort of have a point by the end... I dare you to read it:

You know that exciting feeling you get when your phone receives a text? The anticipation, the knowledge that someone loves you, the idea that the course of your life could actually change in that moment (Note: if this is because it could be a proposal then you should probably get another boyfriend) or at least the course of your evening. Then of course, there is the amplification factor when you are really anticipating a text or just willing something to come in and break the expected routine for the rest of the day... well, I just got a text that was the King of Anticlimax!

From no-one rubbish, not saying anything bad (making a vague invitation for some point in the future to something I don't particularly want to do). Just a nothing text. Thing is it came right at the wrong moment. When all you want is a last minute invite for a Saturday night or a little bit of a friendly wassup (I don't mean one of those conversations that go nowhere... they do very little for me) or an answer to a question you asked. Ironic since I just came home from a party I could have stayed at but am socially drained from previously/afore mentioned ball and party and need to be on my own. My point? Have I got one? I suppose something along the lines of when things just aren't as classically comforting as you would wish for. But that it's OK. God knows what I really need and I know that He can and will give it to me. Which is nice. Makes a change from the no faith I had in that a year ago.

How was the ball? Well, I suppose I kinda felt like, just as God took me shopping for a dress and made me feel like I could justify pampering myself for the evening, that He was then my date too. Which is a good thing 'cause it wasn't really the pick up a guy sort of place! :-P I hadn't been out dancing for a while (except about half an hour at the Halloween gig but not that many of my friends were shaking their thang and it was, afterall, in Pickwicks) and it was good to move. I went with a new friend Rachel that I have only met properly recently, having chatted with a bit over t'internet these past 6 months or so; that was really cool and I dragged her into the dance-off competition... and we made it to the finals! So exhilarating. Which was, I suppose, what I needed then. (I swear we only lost 'cause the winners were a mixed couple and it was a church!)

Today my friend Ben told me my hair was looking longer. I was waiting for someone to mention it - that's kinda how you assess growth isn't it, 'cause you see it in yourself so slowly it's hard to be sure. Like with personal growth. Which I've done a bit more of recently I think. Scary to notice how fast things are happening actually, given that the longer my hair gets the more progress I will make, the readier I become (readier for what I don't know but it's good to be ready!), the newer the challenges, the bigger the responsibilities (this is taking the basic though controversial assumption that my hair and spiritual development are directly proportional). Sometimes you just want to regress to early years and cling onto what you are comfortable with. But to quote an old cheesy DCTalk lyric:
"Separated, I cut myself clean, from a past that comes back in my darkest of dreams. Been apprehended by a spiritual force and a grace that replaced all the me I divorced".
If I regress now, in fear of what this growth will bring, then the faith I was talking about; the fact that I can now shake it on a dance floor under the judgement of a room full of unknown Christians (which honestly is probably the most intense kind of judgement!); and generally being able to say I'm going home now, I've had enough (Aside: Ben also said to me today that I was a lot calmer than when he knew me before, which was particularly funny given the shock on the faces of the people who had only just met me!) will be but vague shadowy forms of what could have come.

Paul said this. Jesus said this. I've met people that seem to assume the latter means staying naïve in your faith but I really don't think that is the point. We need to stay fresh in our faith and our purity from worldly influences but as far as not growing or learning or thinking differently - that is the whole deal. I've done a fair amount of thinking about what I really see as the point of life - I don't know if I mentioned it before but I kinda suddenly found that I'd got this "I have all the answers" attitude and realised it was only true by default and not by heart. As I write I realise that this is basically the crux of what God has been doing in me: working on my own understanding so that it isn't just a matter of signing up blind to find out one day what's going on. He's showing me, as I start to think more like an adult (sometimes!), more fully what is going on and how His Kingdom works. This is what Paul said straight away next and it doesn't mean we shouldn't know anything; we will know in part and we need to strive towards that in our maturity - not taking the innocence as an excuse for ignorance.

Some nice bloke prophecied over me t'other day (happens a lot here, like it! When done sensibly with a good bit of critical spirit of course) and the thing I'm excited by as I write is that the verse he gave was the next one in this passage (I don't plan ahead in these entries, they kinda just happen. I don't know the bible well enough - thank Heaven for Biblegateway search!). Faith, hope and love - the greatest being Love. Which is basically what I have been learning about don'tcha know. The next blog I write will be called "The Meaning of Life"... I just gave the synopisis but hey, I can stretch it out.

God knows I need to know a bit, not everything but a rough guide, a poor reflection, an essence of what the hell is going on anyway. So I am rather glad that He has shown me some stuff and given me a good bit of general direction etc.

On the topic of Christian maturity, it was Beautiful Brian's sweet 16th yesterday, so Happy Rebirthday Brian! If you still ever read BGB... It's my 6 months on Tues too - getting old. Lord knows who I'll be at Christmas. More like Jesus I hope! Not in a "superspiritual" way of course... In a "super spiritual" way! (Can you pick up that intonation?!).

I just got the King of Anticlimax phone call - a wrong number on my landline! Lol, I'm off to spend a quite night in with God, a DVD and maybe some late tea (the eating kind) and tea (the hot decaff kind)... Night! x

How Can You Know Me?

A bit of a pretentious analogy for the way in which I am so very very deep...!

OK, so, the idea is that my blog represents me, right, and the message I "put out there"? And that it is a big jumbled up mess of thoughts. Some of it is personal, some (well a lot) silly, but not even together do all the posts give a full picture. I can't always write and when I do it is honed to give you the impression I want and the insights that I am in the mood to share.

Really, if you could login to my dashboard, you'd find TONS of half-drafted posts. Some too personal. Some a poor representation of who I want you to see. Lots and lots and lots I just haven't had the chance to finish and share. Then there are the ones I haven't quite worked through yet and it might take a conversation or two with others to get things to a point of greater clarity.

Which is how I feel about relationships with people. That what we give out is the tip of the iceberg and that it takes a hell of a lot of time and probing to get to the things that there just isn't a chance for day-to-day. Even with those people that in theory you would let in, it takes a major effort in this day and age (or perhaps in every day and age, how can we tell?).

Which isn't even taking into account the fact that for some things you will need my private password to get to read...

People, with all their complicated messages and ideas. Some private personal soul wrenching details; others just a bit sideways that take unraveling. The vast majority un-chartered for no reason other than lack of opportunity. Logistically we can't get close to too many but I think if we take the time it is worth it for a few.

Maybe the only person you will ever get to know is yourself. That alone would take a lifetime+ Of course it may be rather nice to share it with another and have them help you on the journey - work out those posts/areas in which you have come to a brick wall and need a conversation to move forward and grow.

LOL, did Miss Independent get all soppy about boys for a minute? Not likely! Just, you know, I concede that it can actually be a good thing. Say, for example, when you want to give strangers a bed for the night and don't like the idea of being alone in the house with them... ENTER The Husband! :-P Until then, I've got my friends to keep me talking and walking. Plus, there aren't enough Christian men for everybody and it would feel selfish to nab one for meself!

Ha ha ha. I'm going to bed. This is just the tip of the iceberb...

Watcha Gonna Do With All That Junk?

I wonder if the reason I find it so hard to get rid of junk is 'cause if I did I may then realise it was time to clear out things that actually have some value. Like, holding onto the clothes labels that I may never have to deal with sorting out my wardrobe.

Is it like that inside? I try and get rid of my junk but I think that perhaps all I have done is the food waste and plastic wrappers - nothing I would feel pushed to keep anyway. What if really I am harbouring vast amounts of space wasters that I am not wanting to let go of in case I then have to move on to things I actually care about.

Sometimes I wish Jesus had sinned, just so I would feel less bad about myself giving in to temptation when He did not. But then, that would kinda defy the point right? Praise the Lord for being holier than thou.

In positive light, I got rid of half a carton of labels t'other day, and gave away a pair of trousers. I am serious about wanting to lose the crap inside too. Just got to get it together. Preferably before I pack my trunk.

I probably do give myself a bit of a hard time mind. There are some pretty huge things that have changed in recent times and I must stop being so down on myself as a default mode. (Especially with grace flying about in abundance.) Thus enters: Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

A note on CTB. It is a very classic thing to do, think yourself happy. I say classic in the sense of modern (prize for anyone that knows how my mind works on that one!) and totally widely accepted and, I've always thought, valid enough probably. Except, I never really got round to doing it successfully - for one thing where's the motivation when you don't really care about anything enough? But now I kinda know* it is true. Logically convincing oneself into a better state of mind. Over and over. Constant repetition. Over and over. In fact, one could say, persevering. Duh, check out the bible for that one. I think I may have said this before, it is kinda a relevant concept for me: keeping going with the whole getting there eventually thing. In increasing measure. Little by little as it were. Take it in conjunction with this to really see the promised benefits. And don't forget that God does all the helping... I am not sure that the ellipses do this reference justice given that, as far as I am concerned, it is the one thing that takes the therapists' theory into the realm of possibility, given how likely we are to continuously fall into familiar thought habits.

Wow, it's a veritable bible study today! I am getting in practise for the next YAGs (did I ever explain what that is?) as I am leading it on the topic of praise and worship and may even be playing the guitar (God help them all!).

For how I am feeling in myself, check out Darryl's latest blog. He really hit that nail square.

Laters,
K



*within the realms of what I take as given in my faith.

Touching Base

I am still alive. I am not going to write anything particularly insightful, inciteful, witty or interesting and I am tired. I just feel out of touch with BGB and like I should say hello. You are the most meaningful relationship in my life!

In current news: Cleo has been living with me since last Friday (2 weeks) and has been lovely though a bit gross at times. I drafted a post on that so will leave you in suspense...; I have been really busy but found time to do nothing which was great! More of the same soon please...; I spent 4 hours this afternoon colouring in whilst I helped woman a stall for Voix Libres and they tried to raise money. It felt a bit strange bringing people in to get stuff from them - doing children's work is supposed to be a sneaky way to give them something I thought. Still, have a really pretty picture now and have touched base with my "altruistic" side; carrot eating is not gonig so well - I am averaging 7 on a good day but today I only had three :-( I will probably drink a litre of juice before bed to make up for this; praying is going not much better - I was on a role but then I went and got all despondent and deflated. Will try and bulk up on that before bed too...; Going to my first wedding as a Christian this Saturday. In England. In Snodland moreover. Exciting. Felt like God thinks it's a good idea as the invite was *quite* last minute but it all feel "right" y'know. Am going in fancy dress; I have forgotten how to use punctuation and have no intention of proofreading this for signs of intelligence; things I have been struggling with include feeling like maybe I was overdoing it on the whole God is in charge thing as a way to avoid dealing with life - I realised I can't without Him. But I am slowly working out that while, yes, we are supposed to learn independence over time we are still, overall, subject totally to His will (or if not then by default unfortunately subject to whatever passing danger can find us) and can rest in the fact that He sets us up to survive with things like common sense, freewill (used wisely) and all sorts of stuff like that. I feel like I am being let go of a bit, like a toddler taking first steps, and am not enjoying it and questioning whether the hand is there but when I do fall He props me back up and slowly I think I am catching on that the love has not changed, I have just stepped up a notch.

Hmmm, that was profound wasn't it? I'm even starting a new paragraph to acknowledge that, right now, I am in a place of being let go and finding it scary but now I have worked it out through venting I think I will be ok. I am struggling with the balance between being too scared to go alone and not ignoring God's input and the need to ask for help. I think it is a matter of knowing that He chose my time and place (tried to find the verse, not going to happen) and that I don't need to pray over every date I put in my diary. That said, I am pretty hopeful the wedding counts as significant enough to attribute to God, it is a pretty big upheaval otherwise.

In other news, I am approaching the issue of chucking useless stuff away. The fear I can't combines with the fear I have not changed really, just going through a phase. Screw fear, today I let Caro do my washing up. All things are possible! Allelujah.

I want to stop writing now. I will do some more soon. Oh. I had a thought today. For those Christians out there, I want to start a new man hunt campaign and this time someone that won't find out and knows me. So, I propose that we all start praying for Russell Brand. American's, looking him up it is worth it. Seriously, would that not be the BEST conversion EVER and talk about an interesting follow up biography: "My Conversion Wersion". Or quelque chose comme ça. Seriously, get praying.

Night.

P.S. Just heard that the kickboxing class at my old gym has finished. One of the few good things I was looking forward to going back to in Bristol (as opposed to all the bad things I was looking forward too!). Sad, but also feels like it is cutting ties to past life and now I will find something new. Hmmmm... think think think, one less consistent thing to tide me over but one more freedom too.

Experiment

You know when you hear something crazy and you just want to know for yourself if it is true? Like Jesus for example. Or the guy who only ate McD's for a month. (Or the guy who only ate McSalads... I could go on). Anyway, I am a sucker for trying things out for myself. First with Jesus and now carrots.

This is not a new mindset for me. Once I read in the metro about detoxing on a liquids only diet. It was the day before lent and the day after a heavy night out so when a few friends said it would be impossible to survive properly not eating for 5 weeks I took them up on the challenge. Only fruit and veg based liquids but I don't mean smoothies or soup - no pulp allowed. It was actually totally manageable. I did obviously lose a lot of weight, but I put most of it back on the week after! That said, I did go on holiday...

This time it is the turning orange story. I want to know if it is true and if so, how much carrots and how quickly does it happen? So, I bought a kilo and I am going to be introducing them into my diet pretty intensely from now on. I may even go almost totally carrot once all the food in my fridge is gone.

Almost similarly, I am starting to test more and more what it is people say about God and what He can do. If turning orange is interesting how much more so is healing, miracles, reconciliation for others, prophecy et all...?! So, I am pretty sure that if I am eating great quantities of carrots in expectation, how much more so should I be praying fasting and awaiting for God to do amazing things... (I may have to put carrots on hold when I choose to fast, there are such things as priorities.)

2 carrots so far today (with humous, I was so happy when I found it in COOP!). 1 burden of prayer. I think it shall be a race between turning orange and seeing an answer... I'll keep you posted but remember, I am the only one that can eat carrots (well you can eat them but it won't turn me orange); we can all pray!

Relational Matters

I have always found trousers a bit of a tricky thing to buy. Different people have different tailoring needs but for me it is pantalons that are cut in an unhelpful manner. That's ok though, after quite a lot of shopping experience I have worked out exactly what does and does not suit or flatter. I now have quite a collection of trousers in fact, and wear them a whole lot. I can see on the hanger what will or won't fit right and exactly what size I need. As I have mentioned it before, shopping is one of my spiritual gifts.

And I think obscure analogy making is another. I was in a cute (yet very touristy) market in Montreux yesterday and I found one of those fake-hippy stalls. The kind where everything is really cool but thoroughly overpriced and overdesigned. That is in part the look I go for these days and so I was of course excited to see the cool baggy trousers (Sinbad style) in a whole range of takes, textures, and colours. This I felt was one of my 'safebet' styles and so with glee I take 4 pairs into the makeshift cubicle. And not one pair fit. Rejected by an item of clothing.

Now, I find that when one goes clothes shopping and for some reason things just aren't going right, it is best to stop before it gets too much. I mean, it may be 'cause what is in season really doesn't suit you; or you're having a bad face/hair/fat day and can't look in the mirror! Or perhaps just low sugar levels and a non-relaxed attitude, which are not at all conducive to this kind of shopping. There ought to be official research done but I would postulate that when a woman has low success in the changing room department, she needs to stop after circa 5 consecutive let downs and quit while she is still able to walk down the road looking straight ahead. Else things just get messy. I have perfected this well and these days I have enough confidence to tell myself that those trousers were not made for women of my stature and that it was OK 'cause the ones I was wearing were better anyway. I know how to shop in an uplifting manner.

But do I know how to deal with people (as opposed to 'pant') rejection? I have a feeling I've applied the same rule. I give it a go a bit, take a few blows and then leave the arena convinced that I am OK without.

Being a Christian has facilitated this a lot too. Particularly as I have recently been learning the lesson that God is enough to satisfy all my needs and the only one that can and should bolster me. How easy is it to turn around and say that, in conclusion, man does not satisfy anything and definitely both can't and shouldn't. So in true opposites fashion I have now, today, been challenged to wonder if perhaps I do not rates relationships with people enough. Like when I learnt to love myself so much I had to then address the issue of vanity!

Now, I am not talking about boy-girl relationships in particular but the next bit of this blog pertains to a conversation I had on that topic. I was talking today with someone who had quite a different opinion to me on Christian dating. He did challenge me quite a lot (about how not long term relationships have value for both learning and support) but I think I am still in the same place as before the conversation (that God is kinda the central theme at the moment and that, for me, any relationship that may or may not develop at some point in the future would have to have longevity potential else it is just a distraction and waste of emotional and other resources). I explained my current thinking to this chap as such: the merits of a relationship with a particular individual, in the completely healthy non-dependent, not distracting sense, are admittedly envious (I have noticed this also with having Robyn in my life - in some ways she is like an actual husband!); there is someone there to talk to about the shit stuff, share the amazing stuff, have follow your life story and really care, give you feedback when you need it and just listen when you are ranting. There's also praying together, reading the Bible together and generally build towards a future, together; and more besides I don't doubt. It is pretty neat. But my point was, and as I was about to say to this boy, I've realised I have God to do all that with.

Expect, of course, he wanted to make a witty comment and thus when I said "I have ...", he inserted "a blog".

Ha ha ha. The funny thing is that it's become a bit of a longstanding joke how I 'advertise' my blog in general conversation to everyone I meet. It stems from the blog-off and I find it amusing (though I am sure no-one else does) enough that it is pretty much inexhaustible. This day, however, I had not mentioned once to him that I have a blog.

So that comment actually hit me pretty hard, even though he was just joking 'cause of what I said about sharing and off-loading. It made me wonder if perhaps I have an unhealthy relationship with my blog as a bit of a replacement for a significant other and perhaps with all the dangers of gratification seeking. [Wow, how crazy does that sound as I do a read through!]

But you know, I don't think so. Relationship, yes, but unhealthy? Maybe this sounds like justification but, well, I think I may have given relationships (in both the generic and specific sense) a taboo that is in fact the uncool thing. God did not create us to be isolated from each other, even those called to singleness are meant to have society and friends and confidants and mentors and whatnot; I mean, that is what we call the church, right? God definitely digs that: Hebrews 10:25. Plus, as I said a couple of posts ago, I want to share what God is doing in my life and not be tempted to keep it back. Relating to people is a key part of what we as human beings are supposed to do, both for our own wellbeing and for His glory.

Turning to man instead of God is not cool, but since we are made in His image I think that seeing God in fellow man is pretty exciting too. The thing to remember is that, when secure in His love for us, the failings of others do not matter. Like my ace pair of trousers that I went back to when all the others didn't fit right.

Keeping relationships healthy is just as much about avoiding independence as it is dependence. Isn't it funny how it took a realisation about my positive relationship with a lil' bit of cyberspace for me to acknowledge that relating to people can be a good thing!

Bye Bye Baby (don't make me cry)

Today I was supposed to be meeting a friend at their place early. She lived across town and I was to be there at 8.30 so I could help get her and all her cases to the airport where she would thus depart back to the USofA. Sadness. Also standard Geneva occurrence so we all get pretty hard hearts to it (till it's our turn that is... not thinking about that yet though).

So it was a bummer that my wake up call never happened. I only realised as my cell (nope, I can't/won't do it. It is a mobile; I already called my fringe bangs on Saturday I must stop this before it takes over) rang: it was 8.30 and I was 1 hr minimum from being at her place. Major whoops!

The thing that really peed me off about this whole situation was that I had really wanted to help her out and what I actually managed to do was make her life harder as she had to get down the hill with all her bags (instead of dropping one off the day before) while I rushed over to meet her at the bank so I could help get to the airport at the very least. I hate letting people down and it is rubbish to know that even when I want to be good I am still a fallible human. What hope is there if we can't even rely on ourselves?

I suppose that is what God is for. I mean I was crap and a total let down but still she met someone that gladly helped her to the bus stop (a good 10 minutes down a steep hill in the pouring rain); I got there in record time and met her easily; we got to the airport fine and she still at least got someone to say goodbye to (not to mention she was very forgiving of my faux pas); her flight had been rearranged the day before which was going to make her change in London a LOT easier and as we prayed in the luggage queue for her to not be over-allowance she gets to the desk and they say she had 32 not 23 kgs. Wow! (Some may argue a bummer she did not know sooner I suppose, but that does not help me make my point! She would have struggled to get 64+ kilos on a bus at the other end anyway...).

We then sat in the restaurant and had a drink and a cry and a bit of a pray. We were sitting eyes shut (I know, how cliché) and when we opened them someone had left a pile of napkins on the table for the purposes of tear wiping! How lovely is that?! Awww. People aren't always rubbish now are they?

But I have learnt plenty of other times that they can be (rubbish that is... haven't we all?!) and it is hard to realise that oneself can be too. I suppose it is humbling in a way and reminds us not to be pissed at the people that let us down since we are all just as crappy. The tenuous lesson I would like to take from today (just because I can) is therefore that people can suck, they can be great but that God is always spot on. (Well as evidence thus far proves. All scientists know that it takes infinite successful experiments to prove a theory and only one failed one to disprove it, so we have to agree after "many" trials that something seems consistently reliable, build our whole life upon it and hope that it doesn't all fall apart at the last variable. But then, it's either that or have no theory at all...)

Bye bye Andrea, you will be missed... See you in Nashville!!

Package Deals

A review.

My trip is coming to an end. Indeed, I am in my final destination as I write this and come ce soir I will be back in the Brooker-Bright love nest, complete with lots of dirty washing and a serious need for intensive conditioner... I don't think I have ever been this excited about people speaking French to me; I sure won't miss looking like a total retard - partial suits me so much better.

So what say me about the whole experience? Well, I am not entirely sure if I have managed to capture just how much of a blessing my travels have been, so I suppose I shall just state it in a really boring obvious manner - better that than miss the point entirely and have you thinking I just had a nice lil' hoilday, which frankly would be an utter misjudgment.

For one thing, I have had a fair few experiences where I have not been conventionally happy. That is to say I've cried, been angry, been lost, been lonely, been starkly not lonely(!), missed opportunities and wasted precious time on fruitless pursuits. In all of this I have at times wanted to give up, go home, throw things or get drunk. Some of those things I may well even have done...!

So, what is my point exactly?

God was with me the whole time.

Do you know the 'Carlsberg don't make [insert word here] but if they did they would probably be the best [repeat word here] in the world' adverts? Well, foolishly and more for the sake of the phrase, I was about to say that God doesn't make holidays but if He did they would doubtless be the best holidays the world. Then I realised that God DOES make holidays. He is a travel agent. An agent of all things in fact. He's an interior designer, a consultant physician, a head chef and a traffic warden. There ain't nothing that He can't do and whatever He does do He do's the best.

What a fabulous role model for us all. That and a continual blessing :-)

I've learnt so much about listening to God, then relistening to God (and no doubt in due course will be learning to rerelisten to Him too). I eventually got the realisation that He wants to be my number 1 all the time and have since been delighted as He started to show me how. Even better, as I made mistakes and felt like I was failing at putting Him first, He showed me that it was ok. Wanna hear a cute story as to how?

Well, I gonna tell you anyway.

Remember how I said in Vienna that I gave someone directions having just got off the train? Well, as I wrote about it in my journal (like my blog but with the juicy bits left in and souvenir train tickets stuck inside the front cover) I realised that God was doing more than giving me a friendly face. What happened was this:

She approached me about 30 seconds after I had left the flat for the first time. I was taking a walk and was in a 'bit' of a bad mood - tired from traveling and being a grumpy cow that was frightfully aware of it and totally inept at dealing with it. Just before we met I had been saying to God how I had let Him down/would shortly be doing so. You know, when you feel bad about it but haven't got the drive to stop it happening? I warned Him that I would be no use at all in Vienna but was instead falling off the path for a bit, which was really rubbish given I thought I had been doing so well since my B and had half hoped it was be the end of all that crap! (Note, I am a perfectionist and am well aware that this was not realstic but was clinging onto the dead sinful nature part of things as opposed to the thorn in the flesh warning... but that's a whole other topic.)

Anyway. A sweet Austrian girl at the tram stop asks me for directions to the number 37 (we were at 37a which strangely is in a totally different place). Observe here that everyone it seems speaks two languages - I felt like a reet fool. (And by here I mean anywhere that isn't England). Now, David had recently texted me info for getting into town using the number 37 tram and at the time I had thought "Fool why did you do that? I have to be at your place in an hour so as to let you in 'cause you gave me your keys..." Suddenly, the message had a use and I was able to take Agnes to the stop. We had a nice but pretty mundane conversation and afterwards I was like "Ok God, it gave me sommat to do I 'spose. No major wisdom or messages from You but maybe it was supposed to cheer me up, what with her cute smiley Austrianess". It didn't really work but at least I felt a bit good helping her get there.
Then it hit me (only two days later) that what He was really saying is this:

It doesn't matter if you are being or feeling rubbish, God can still equip and use you to His own special purpose if you let Him.

Now, stands to reason really. I mean, I don't know about you but I am pretty sure that even when I am on 'top form' I am probably not actually as good as Jesus. So, seeing as we always have to be topped up by God in order to be of effect, what difference do our own fluctuating and finite measures of goodness make anyway?

The key is not in how much we have to offer: it is never enough (remember the loaves and fishes...). It is in the offering that He rejoices and uses us. Obvious when you think about it but how cool that He will arrange the universe around us, just to make sure the message gets through?

For those of you avid followers that saw me planning my social life in the comments, I am currently sitting in an über cute farmhouse about an hour outside of Zurich. I didn't make it to the city and will not now given how late it has gotten, but what I did do was SO MUCH better I don't care in the slightest. More to follow but basically God was at work yet again and I slept in a Heidi hayloft last night and petted a cow this afternoon. Could it be more of a Swiss experience?

Geneva I have missed you and can't wait to get back; but be warned, I done gone changed again. Two and a half weeks post baptism, I would say a big fat "Wow!". Who the hell am I anyway?

Laters, x

Vienna: I gave you my heart and the very next day you gave it away.

I never though I would be the person that screams out "You fucking arsehole!" in the streets of one of the cultural capitals of the world. But I did. And I make no apology.

I have met some perverts in my time, indeed in the past few days have been some priceless examples one of whom will be getting a post of their own in due course, but I have never been so outraged in all my life.

After a ABSOLUTELY fabulous night and day in this spectacular capital of Austria I really was feeling moved to perfection. This is by far the most beautiful city I have ever had the priviledge to spend time in (more so than Budapest, I kid you not) and I am even now looking into a way to get to move here for a while, in due course. However nothing, I repeat NOTHING, can excuse the behaviour of a certain Venetian man this evening.

That said, I cannot be sure he was a local. One of the main reasons for this is that we are currently amid the Euro season and I totally overlooked the fact that I was going to be in one of the major football centres. I'd left Geneva thinking "I'm escaping at just the right time" only for it to hit me on the train that I was heading into the fray... It did not affect my day too badly in the long run but it certainly notices as there is a huge 'fan zone' set up in a park between the museums and the parliament - forcing you to purchase McCafes and overpriced Carlsberg and throw away your bottles of water. It seems to be a bit of a repeating occurence that by chance I end up at these major sporting events abroad and it is kinda exciting, so after taking Dave out for a thank you dinner (OMGoodness, all you can eat sushi for €14!!!) I headed off to catch the end of the Swiss-Turkish game and soak up the atmosphere.
There was none.
Now, I must admit to having had a wry smile when I heard the English were not in the Euro. I was kinda glad they weren't going to mess up my town. But you know what, at least they know how to party. It was boring and unfriendly and the only time there was any action was when Turkey scored their first goal; then I became very aware of my location in a pocket of Turkish supporters wearing my 'I heart Switzerland' T-shirt. I left soon after to go on a rambling attempt to find David and his friends. Well, at least I can say I was there... Euro '08 man, livin' the dream.

So, what was it that affronted me so very very much? Well, in context I really did have a truely marvelous day even though I didn't get to do very much specific things and had no idea where I was at given I forgot to get a map, so literally spent 10 hours wondering in circles thinking 'there has to be a centre somewhere I will follow the big beautiful old buildings' and quickly realising that that is all Vienna has. It was incredibly cool though and gave me a good chance to think and chill and eat weird sausage and go through a market and... ooh ooh tangent: I was in this market and an olive man made me eat one of his olives even though I didn't understand and didn't want an olive and it seemed to have a chilli inside. He insisted it was a pepper but he was lying. Remember - fallible! I swear I nearly died and it gave me terrible hiccups (Question: hiccoughs?).

Anyways, great day. Then what happens? Well, as wondered aimlessly towards where David was, without really knowing 'cause I was only well practised at being lost in Vienna, a cyclist comes scarily close to me on the pavement. I shriek a little at the danger but that was not even close to the end of the issue. The b***ard (I am a little calmer now so will refrain) grabbed my behind and whilst doing so lifted up my floaty (but not at all sluttily short) white summery skirt, then continued on his way!!! DISGRACEFUL. Needless to say I chased him down the street hoping he would have to stop at the lights. Though really, is that the kind of man that follows traffic procedure?

After that there was a bit of a damper on things. Maybe it's the football, it does strange things to people. I am however a little suspicious it might be a crazy sport in Austria given that one of the people I met at the pub later (you gotta love Irish pubs abroad) said quite brazenly that he enjoyed doing that when he sees an opportunity and can never say no...! What is this world coming to I do not know. He did say he never grabbed, only lifted a little in a jokey way, but I still think that is not a valid excuse.

Rounding up the day I am not too upset now. It seems a little more funny and Vienna did totally speak into my heart (awww, soppy moment). I want to share one of the things that I found as I wondered lost round the streets that really was kinda worth it for this alone. A mural on a wall which, I hope I do not misquote, said something along the lines of:
"Do not try to be an apple if you are a banana. You will only be a second rate apple"
Love it. Also, it ties in with what D was saying about me on the first night. He remarked that he had forgotten how loud I was... then added that it was ok 'cause it just meant he didn't have to work so hard at the conversation since I did enough for both of us! I liked that, it is a new take on the concern I sometimes have of being "too much" and yeah, I am reminded that it ok to be bananas if that's what you are. Anyway, nobody likes a bad apple.

I am leaving in the morning. Only just realised and thought I had time for Klimpt but I don't which is a shame. Well, I will just have to return won't I. Hmmm, I have done this rather late and it is not as succinct as I would have liked. Also, the spellchecker is not working and I can't be arsed to go into Word. You will have to be more forgiving whilst I am writing from abroad me thinks. Now, I must sleep as it's gone 2am and I am up at 7. Silly silly Kat(i)e.

N'night!

David is...

in Vienna! So, yeah, David is the guy who has so generously allowed me to stay in his place these next 2 nights. We last hung out 6 years ago; and by hung out I mean shared the same lift to school and I was incredibly scared of him - older, meaner and cooler than I knew how to be! So it proves pretty interesting to be getting to know each other. Already impressed him with the fact that I used to leave the car and get on a bus in the opposite direction to go shopping in London! Oh for simpler times...

Thus far I am pleased with Vienna. Admittedly I have only seen the underground and the supermarket but as these things go they are quite fabulous. I went for a short walk, having refreshed from an intense train journey across Eastern Europe, and within 30 seconds I had made a friend - someone asked me for directions and I could give them. Impressed? I was!

But Budapest - I would not wish to skim over it. I had one intense day there: walking tour in the morning, Cathedral when it rained and getting lost as I trekked across the city to find one of the spas. That was nice but I tell you what, don't go by yourself. Maybe it's me but sitting around in hot water is only interesting for a short time. After that you just get wrinkly. Also, I am pretty sure that the main difference (natural water source aside) between baths and a swimming pool is that the rule "No Petting" is not in place. I mean seriously, these people are sick; you don't know where to look. It would have been better if I had not been so utterly confused by all the Hungarian and had the jacuzzi actually been open but atleast I can say I went. A true Budapest experience. Afterwards I went for a romantic 'posh dinner' to treat myself, with sparkling wine and everything. You have to love the prices over there... That and the architecture. And the people. It is a good town and I will be returning at some point foe show.

Each destination has been teaching me something new. About life, myself, God. How far I've come and how far yet to go. One of the biggest things (literally and metaphorically) in Budapest was the cathedral. St Stephen is the patron saint of Hungary because he rescued them from their "heathen ways" and was so respected they got permission to use him as the focal point of the design. Well, I am not going to comment on denominational issues 'cause really they are the things that divisions and non-love are made of and certainly a manmade derivative of a true relationship with God. But, I was rather troubled in the St. Istavan (Steven, I don't know the spelling and am going to use as many versions as possible) cathedral yesterday. There was a picture of the crucifixion at one of the altars in the church and I have been discovering lately what iconography can mean as a way to fix oneself on the truth. That is, realising and rerealising exactly how horrific and traumatic it was for Jesus to do what I believe he did in order that I may be transformed and ultimately saved. As I left it really did not sit right with me that that this image was tucked away in an alcove while a fallible man was glorified at the centre of the house of God. I supppose that to me was symbolic of all the things I don't like about my life and points me in the direction that I must next go in order to continue growing in Him. That is, making Jesus my focal point.

So yeah, seeking God in the spirtual world. Vienna in the physical. I am excited to see how the two will overlap...

Coffee and Sacraments

It's been a whole day since I blogged. You think you've suffered, imagine what it's like in my head with all the latest ideas swimming about. Think about it, if I can publish 7 posts over 2 days when things are quiet imagine how much I have to write about when I've been too busy to blog?

So, what will this one be about then? I think I shall write about today now and then maybe do yesterday this evening, if that makes sense. It’s not that I think I have to give a detailed account of my whole life on here (well, it would be ideal obviously but a little over reaching me thinks) and indeed I am still behind when it comes to cool stories from two weekends ago. It's just I’ve just had lots of fabulously cool things happen and 'profound' thoughts crop up that I want to share.

First off, I am in Starbucks writing this. And it is the one by the hairdressers (Rive); AKA the one with the mean lady. I arranged to meet Robyn here after music practise and the risk factor didn’t occur to me until I was in the queue and saw her behind the counter. It was definitely her and short of upping stakes and heading to the other side of the river (which wasn’t really an option) I was going to have to ask her for my coffee *expresses look of trepidation*. So, I decided to pray. Just a quick bless her and bless my Venti Frappuccino Mocha Light avec noisettes. Do you know what, it worked. I got service with a smile, she doubled checked my order and it all came through perfectly. I even went back, skipping ahead of a long queue, to ask for 2 Internet access cards and she gave me them with a smile. Now, that to me is like honey from a rock.

Rubbish, I've written loads of junk without even going into the revelations I had planned. Tell you what, I’ll make a quick comment about the post-baptism week instead then write another one later to break it up for you.

It has been cool. I feel really different. I am quite delighted by this fact give that at the time it felt like a big risk and I was scared of a let down; more so than in coming to this Starbucks. I suppose last Sunday was a little bit like today. I was standing in that queue and saying “God, I could walk out right but I have a lot staked on this (a good seat, a settled friend and no nearby alternative) so could you just take over the situation please”. Similarly last week as I waited to get dunked it was all about “God I have a lot staked on this and absolutely NO alternative but there is still a lot ahead that terrifies me so would you be able to take over”. Tenuous analogy but true. So, really what I am saying is that even over one week I am more convicted of the decision to do it. I am a New Creation and really feel like it is the start of the rest of my life – a proper rebirth. He does comes through for you. Woohoo! :-D

Yeah, baptism is great, it is a physical act that works in the spiritual world and makes an actual tangible difference within. You do need to have some faith else it is just getting wet, but a mustard seed’s worth is enough for God to do great things with. Even now I find myself liking the obvious sins less and less (leaving it clear for me to notice and struggle with the less obvious ones mind!) and that is ‘cause I am changing. And once He has you He won’t let you go and you will only become more and more part of his 'flock' (check out John chpt 10) so I am excited to see how I will feel at 2 weeks old. Yeah there is temptation from all sides and regular hiccups (and that is only the ones I am aware of) but I am not the same person I once was and that in itself gives me a fighting chance.

In everything pray. You will grow more, glorify God better and get the coffee that you ordered complete with a smile!

Coincidence?

I had a really cool experience last weekend, while my friend Gemma was visiting. Rather fabulous in fact and contrary to the question mark in the title I am pretty sure this was not just a Coincidence.

It was on the train returning from the beer festival in Martigny (pronounced Martini to all who went) and we were 5 spread out across two 4 seat booths in the carriage. Hence, when the train stopped at one station and a few more passengers got on we ended up with two attractive and lovely (yes I mean it, not just being English!) ladies sitting in the midst of us. A tall red head and a short and curly brunette. They were lots of fun and we had a good laugh at the expense of the drunken meandering man who was rather keen on self promotion; apparently his appearance is quite a regular experience. I liked them 'cause when I offered cake they accepted - and why wouldn't you? It was spiced loaf. (I later found that one of them had been craving ginger earlier! Coincidence?) Anyway, they got off at Coppet I think and we did not even swap names. Just one of those things: we mused that it was funny you could meet such cool people and never see them again.

The next day Gemma and I went to church, had a drink by the river (that is a whole other experience to be told anon) and then walked to Parc des Bastions to take in the chess and the reforms and what not. Milling about taking photos we hear a shriek and running and a short feisty brunette is making tracks to embrace us, followed by an elegant ginger who was no less forward.

It really was quite remarkable and I can't help smiling now as I remember how I met these two wonderful women, both of whom have since become real people in my life that I text and Facebook (ok, that's not real) and meet up with and everything.

We spent the rest of the afternoon drinking wine and eating biscuits and cashew nuts (more than paying back a squishy piece of cake!) with them and their friends, while we pretended to play chess then actually did play uno. It was lovely and one of the most random experiences I have ever had.

Yet, I don't think it was random, not really. For one, they were both Christians (I'm not saying that if they were not Christians it would have been less cool just that it is something we have ended up sharing together quite a lot and, well also to me it means God is in control.) and one in particular was looking for a church to attend in Geneva. She already came to YAGs last night and they are both coming to EBCG next Sunday (they tried to come last week for the baptism but only found the Lutheran Church - no full immersions there!). We also have loads of other stuff in common and just a right laugh together so it is looking to be some pretty sweet friendships. Now, how often do Strangers On A Train actually end up like that? (I just hope they don't blackmail me into committing murder, else I rather think my point may be lost.)

So that got me thinking. Yesterday off the cuff I called something, which admittedly was less significant, a coincidence just 'cause the word came out naturally. I'm not sure I liked it.

In 'The Screwtape Letters' C.S.Lewis suggests the idea that words can be introduced by Satan into everyday vocabulary to help undermine God and what he stands for. Now, please don't think that what I have to say is not relevant in a secular context (if anything it is equally irrelevant to all!). One can still think that common vocabulary undermines how we view the world without attaching it to spiritual beliefs.

I just worry that by using "Coincidence" as default we are basically belittling every good thing that happens to us as a mere act of chance. When we wonder if something is a direct act of God's involvement (or say fate, the universe, or whatever other higher power you may subscribe to) we always seem to stop and go "Well, it may just be a coincidence". Yet you never hear people say "Don't get carried away with thinking it's a coincidence without considering the possibility of miraculous or purposeful intervention" do you.

It is a word that not only attaches no meaning whatsoever but actually removes the significance an extraordinary event may naturally suggest.

I see nothing wrong with questioning God but sometimes, given that I believe He is capable of all things and on top of that wants to give good gift to His children, perhaps just perhaps I should question the mundane at least as much as the miraculous.

Left Behind

Today I was in a French health food shop (good intentions have started!) with my friend Sara. At one point I wonder off and when I went back to look for her she had moved and left her basket where it was. In that moment I was reminded of something funny that happened to me about a year ago when I was still living a Woodies...

So, Woodies is a church in Bristol which has student flats in the roof and I lived there from 2005-7 with a whole bunch of other students/volunteers/crazy evangelists! There were 16 rooms and we shared a large (and dark) kitchen and living room together. Unsurprisingly, the vast majority of my flatmates in both years were Christians, though there were always a few of us 'Heathens' to keep them on their toes. One day I came downstairs (bedrooms were on the 4th floor with beams and sloped ceilings and the communal areas were the next level down) and it was unusually empty for the middle of the afternoon in a student house. Yet the lights were on in every room, there was food in the oven and someone had left the T.V. tuned in to Neighbours. Ordinarily you might shrug and acknowledge that this is typical behaviour for 'our type'. Except, I was well aware that 'our type' was not the same as 'their type' and I confess that the first thing I though of was... is this the Second Coming?! (Please don't get caught up on my theology, I was not and still am not very well informed.)

I spent a few minutes seriously not sure what to do, no-one was in their rooms and this did not bode well for my theory being proved wrong since the saved to non-saved ratio in the place was high. Finally someone returned home and my concern (fear is too strong a word though it certainly did make me wonder, hard) was alleviated. Until I realised that there was a chance my new companion (no names mentioned) was just not sufficiently holy!

Jokes. Evidently it was not The Rapture (theologians bite your tongue) and normality established we had a good old laugh together, particularly over my brief suspicion as to his/her salvation status. Funny what makes you stop and think even if, with the moment passed, you are all too willing to go back to avid disbelief.

One step too far

Warning: this one may seem a little bit more for the ladies.

What with all the pressure to look beautiful these days (resisting feminist urge to moan about the expectations that men put on us being to blame!) there is a bit of a mantra that has seeped into the standard regime of western women. Cleanse, Tone and Moisturise. I read an article once that explained this all to me: we wash (I justified that one myself) but then the pH of the soap and the water is too alkaline (pure water at 7.0 with soaps even higher and skin naturally at 5.5) so our skin overproduces oil to compensate; therefore we use toner to readjust the 'levels' before applying moisturiser to rehydrate since we have no natural oils left. Logical to me, I embraced the theory and will defend it to the death. Or would have if they had not pushed it a step too far...

Convenient for all the beauty product companies that I and thousands (if not millions) of other women bought into this, that we may fit better into some modern day image of attractive. However, I will be duped no further. No more convincing arguments for me, I refuse to accept that what I now need to do is add a 4th step to my regime: 'beauty serum'.

Even the name makes me cringe. How can they seriously market a product that is claiming to be a serum of beautification? It's worse than 'bifidius digestivum' the conveniently named bacterium that aids, what now...? At least that is for inner beauty!

They have pushed it too far now and I am questioning everything I ever believed in to do with these crazy step systems. Clearly the con is on. So, given the flawless argument that previously justified C-T-M, I can only suppose there is a fallacious premise going on at some point. Alors, I conclude based upon all the evidence that the problem is this: we take cleaning as a given. The only reason we need to T and M is to counteract the first so this is my plea to you all... STOP WASHING. After all, there was probably a marketing campaign to get us to do that once upon a time.

How far can you be pushed before you begin to question what you have accepted as given? Oh look, a point!