"Dreams can come true, look at me babe I'm with you..."

That was what came on my car radio last night as I came back from Michelle's and I meant to mention it in my blog but I never. So now I have. If this whole God thing really has come together then absolutely anything actually is possible - there was a time I never thought He could be with me and now look: He is and I still can't get over it.

Which is the reason that I am slowly going from being a person who expected things never to work out to someone who is always expecting everything to. Moments of absolute disdain aside (which can take a large chunk out of some of my days, granted) I have been having loads of hope recently. Ridiculous amounts. Raising them stakes good and high. The way I see it, if God is gonna top anything I can conceive of then the best thing for me to do is think BIG. That's a boring game theory model. Think BIG get BIGGER. Think small get Medium. There is no payoff formula is there? I think the answer is "Duh, Supersize me".

So today I did. I dreamed SO big. I planned the next 30 years of my life. There were lots of gaps, don't get me wrong, and I am not saying this all has to happen or else, I just figured "why not get excited by the possibilities?" Some of it is crazy and made up and I won't be really disappointed if becoming Prime Minister doesn't happen (hell, I'm not entirely sure how I would feel about a woman running the country!) and exactly how Eastern Europe comes into it is flexible... but some of it I can see clearly in one shape or another. Like community building in Bristol, being a homemaker (not the same as housewife), working with the homeless, female identity empowerment (not "female empowerment" which sounds a lot like feminism and I don't mean at all), starting a music project that gives opportunity to the deprived and disadvantaged and shares love with the world. I even decided that I probably did need a husband at some point and now have a pretty good feel of what he would need to be up for and capable of!! They're not all bad after all...

So I was kinda stoked about this vision. It clearly isn't going to look exactly like this but I reckon that God is putting some stuff in particular on my heart. And I really do get that if His alternative is to be, say a stay home mum for example, then that would be the better thing.

At the same time I was aware it's important that, in my expecting of great stuff and amazing gifts, how God wants to use me is so not about me. Which is really really hard. I don't know about you but I have this huge imagination which is lots of fun and exciting and enables me to see the "bigger picture" but it also leads me to get carried away with things that are just "cool". The advance autobiography that I wrote for myself would have gotten well loads of credit I swear. I would be everybody's fave prime minister and change the world... whilst also fabulously managing a family of 4/5 and recording several albums. And what with my "childlike" faith that God can do it I am prime candidate for missing the point that He probably shouldn't. I struggle enough with pride (when I'm not struggling with feeling down on myself, obviously) indeed even as I write I am proud that I have recognised this danger in advance! I just can't win...

So I'm sitting at this concert tonight with my sister, contemplating all these important things in my young brain, when God starts stirring a bit more. The gig was amazing. A team of musicians that work with prisoners and ex-prisoners as a rehab type thingy - called changing tunes, check it out. Some of the most powerful songs I have ever heard, particularly one that just spelled out in incredible "The Streets" style this really gritty gripping reality of the unhealthy complicated status between men and women. It all just added to the realisation that music is an amazing tool with the capacity to change lives and bring light. Hurrah! Inspiring much? Coincidence? I knew that I wanted to work with homeless people and "disadvantaged" youth 'cause that's where I have been "moved" and where my albeit limited experiences lie, so the prison work was a really cool overlap but with plenty of scope to bring it to others.

'Cause of course that is my priority. Tapping a new market. Helping people that have no other options. Really making a BIG difference. Being something incredible that makes people go wow and gives a warm fuzzy glow at the *number* of lives changed. Getting my M.B.E.

So I have to laugh when at the interval one of the musicians gets up and talks about this new project that has been set up in the kinda funky-but-really-quite-dodge part of town where there is already a huge vision for change and love revolution. A vision I already feel both excited by and jealous of. The project described ticks in every way what I had just decided to call my life works.

I can't help it. I feel like I missed the window, not been there from the start. Now I'm trying to carve out a special role for me in The Kingdom but really I mean in The World 'cause that is the place that my accolade would be coming from. I arrived back in England to see the beginning of a radical church movement in Bristol, a revolution underway; and though I'd been praying and excited and certain of it happening before I got here I was kinda annoyed that no-one waited. There have been people praying for decades but I had claims on the particular power of mine and where is the recognition? No-one even knows I exist.

So what is this post about? Well, I figure seeing as I don't get to be a "founder" of the self-harmony (it even has a cool name) thing and will no doubt have to be a "worker" instead then the least I could do is put it somewhere in writing that I thought of it too... independently of them!

Lol. I figure this is kinda how we are, right? People. Crap. Yet not. But still so. It's funny, sometimes if I'm really quiet I think I can hear my sinful nature fighting with the Holy Spirit as though they were sitting on my shoulders.

I know, I always have I think since I resigned myself to Christ, that it isn't about me. That community is the best thing and that as I allow it to become important and the love takes over then I will believe in it increasingly, till one day I know it wholeheartedly in every circumstance. Just it sucks when you want to be a pop star! Or anything else.

We see it everywhere you know, taking ownership. Even in the church. Duh, particularly. Even when it is about what God is doing people love to be able to claim that He is doing it just for them, because of what they have been doing and how they have been seeking. Even when it is a community it is a limited community, just you and your friends. Even when it is the Christian world as a whole we forget that it isn't just for us but for EVERYONE and get comfy and superior.

So what will I do? Write my plan in pencil I suppose. Go where He wants. Trust that the timing isn't a fudge and that I will be put in the right place even if that place is somewhere really small - which presumably it will be when my humility is still so small. I think that humility and importance are directly proportional you know. He only lifts people up that don't care - which is why I'm trying so hard not to!

One thing I read that is really helpful for me in my motivations lately (I can spend a long time over-analysing things and getting very confused about what is actually going on in my heart) is something Paul wrote. It's funny, I used to really hate that guy but he does say some good shit:

I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself.

Which makes sense given how fickle and complicated we are.

So I will carry on dreaming and believing and seeking and petitioning what is on my heart to the best of my own understanding but there really is very little point in me trying to figure it all out, what with the constant internal battle. If God didn't put it in me then it won't last long, what with the victory having been won. I just have to let Him carry on changing me.

It does suck though. At the moment it still sucks... but I am a work in progress and the masterpiece is yet to be reveal...!

Hot Topic

This news article has created quite a stir in the UK. Here is but one example and here is another though you may need to sign into Facebook to see it (for mum and dad, it is a countering group that says there is a God so stop worrying and have fun).

Now. Almost all my friends in Bristol are outraged, the Methodists are optimistic and, as is a recent theme, I am pretty apathetic. But I'm going to put out there some of my pre-blues views and try and see objectively just how I feel about it. It's a long shot I know but I wouldn't mind your opinion either...

I think it is stupid 'cause it is scientifically bogus. Any sensible logician can see that opening this can of worms as an issue of "probability" brings up all kinds of questions, not least semantic, and that certainly one must question the legitimacy of trying to rationalise or mathematically assess such a claim. By definition God is bigger than our intellects and lies outside of our comprehesive logic (duh, miracles) so probability doesn't come into it. You can't prove something unproveable so the game just doesn't apply. He comes from the powerset of the world as we know it so is a whole set level above (if you want to talk maths let's do it properly). It makes the atheists look stupid.

There is an argument is that young impressionable people would read it and accept it. If only that were true. There is a lot more spending power behind the church and if we could get a whole load of signs up that say "God loves you so much but He's a gentleman so He's waiting for you to invite Him in" on the side of buses then does that mean we'd see a revival? Maybe?! It would be pretty sweet...!

Thing is, I think there is legitimacy behind the reasoning that atheism, requiring the step of faith that it does to so avidly believe in nothing, is a faith group and as such has the same freedom to express views that "we" do.

There is also a claim of arrogancy. Now, a few hundred people facebook group (I don't actually dis what they're doing I just would have phrased it differently) isn't a lot but the statement there IS a God seems a lot more arrogant than a foolishly laid down, not-fully committed conversation stirrer (and by the way I think the Methodists are right. It's publicity isn't it? Any publicity is good publicity, just ask Paul). To go one step further, the Alpha course (which again I think is really cool actually) says things like "Is this it?" and "What am I doing here" which could be construed as condescending to anyone that finds themselves to be perfectly content with life. "Well, actually, you're not. You need more purpose..."

The thing about it that is most stupid, in my opinion and as the counter-group rightly says, is that [if] God does exist then we can stop worrying and enjoy life to the full. "Fun" being such a subjective word. That is why these signs are so bogus. They don't listen to any of the irrefutable claims (irrefutable in that they are undeniably premises of Christianity) that are true (by definition or 'a priori') about the consequence of the existence of God... No, instead they look at the demonstrations they have around them.

Which is why we (Christians) cannot get outraged: because the world saw us when they looked around them. We are the reason that this statement made it onto the buses and didn't scream ridiculous. No one knows by what they see in us that worrying and being boring are not symptoms of God. If we were living under those promises then no matter what a person thought about God's existence, they would never accept these posters are even close to being legitimate. Richard Dawkins would get laughed at. Back in the good old days of Acts people wanted to get close to the early followers of The Way because they liked what they saw. No-one could accuse them of being wet. READ. Highly regarded. People were scared to join then, nevertheless they were added to daily.

Christianity is a laughing stock, pathetic or at best a vaguely interesting personal choice right now in England. The guy that stood up for his beliefs to not drive that bus went back on the condition that he "would only have to do so if there were no others available". WTF. Talk about pushover. These people back then were respected. The fear of what it would mean with the Romans was not enough to keep the people away. That defied logic - how could they not dare to join yet still come in? The TRUTH of what was being taught was and is more powerful that whatever was/is preventing them - be it angry Roman soldiers, strict Jewish rabbi's, snide post-Christendom taunting or post-Enlightened independence.

What people need is a posteriori logic, that is they need to experience what it means for God to be real to someone and then use that observed evidence to determine truth. Unfulfilled claims are worse than empty, they are dangerous. That's why Satan likes them.

Luckily, though, despite all our failings God is still huge and totally in control and The Truth is still The Truth and the Spirit still here. So that is another reason not to fret about them silly buses... 'cause it really isn't a very big deal in the grand scheme of things and is certainly not the end of the story. Richard Dawkins has missed a really vital key in his quest to kill "religion" (let's use the word for sake of communication, I don't mean that old legalistic crap) - he doesn't realise that it is immortal and he isn't. Yet.

I rather think good old Professor D may have even more currency in the conversion stakes than our lovely Russelly B. Get prayin'.

Lol. My nice, objective surmise. I can still rustle up the ole' passion when required it seems. ;-)

I should go to bed but...

I was writing a rough journal and a thought that started forming earlier this evening started forming a bit more and I figured as I was writing it down why not articulate and share. Being in suburban London right now I feel a little cut off from the rest of the world so this way I can pretend I am still in touch.

Can't be arsed to review Christmas just yet. It was good, busy, a big haze of thinking and storing up and pondering but then I suppose that is what the end of the year is for. Mary had the right idea.

What was it from today?

Firstly a circumstance that arose out of a little thing (which had been discussed at lunch in the context of mathematically modelling God's plan - not easy!). Namely a pizza that a friend and I shared and both felt at the end, with our doggie bags, that it was not worth buying such a large one as, since we were back home, dinner was provided. Stupid money that cost (for a student you understand). Ah well, we'll learn. Then on the way home, as I debated munching it anyway before dinner as something to do on the train (instead I got so into this book that I missed my stop and nearly missed it again coming back!), I was convicted to give it to a homeless lady I saw. Thus dealing with several issues at once, not least self-control. But probably most, the importance of acting on what I believe. Not a huge amount, I still can't handle that I fear, but to say that I need to practise what I preach and get down to a little bit of sharing the love and appreciating people, all people, is quite an understatement.

We had a wicked time, I always do with those that aren't bound up in this crappy society; I wonder there is any point coming back to it sometimes. I am already comfortable and indulgent and compromising my actions but a few hours on. One thing that she said, that I had read in the aforementioned book but hadn't expected to see it so clearly and so soon after, was that all the c*nts that were rude, tried to pimp her/buy her, ignore and degraded her... all these people just went to show that the ones that didn't were that much more special. She said that she saw the 1% that was good and that she didn't think many people in London even saw that. Talk about an attitude of gratitude. And such a testimony to how I see evil - the way it is there to contrast against God that we may understand how bloody fantastic He is and choose to love Him. You can't comprehend light until you see the contrast with darkness.

Not the point of this post. The point was this:
She commented on my boots and said that she like them. That she spent a lot of time at street level and so had become quite aware of such things. Then she said that she had spotted me walking past before, 'cause I had quite a distinctive outft on (I was wearing a mixture of furry snow boots, bright red and leopard print I confess) and asked me why I had come back (I did the Levite before I did the Good Samaritan). I didn't tell her it was 'cause I didn't want to get fat munching on the train but it did make me think later... She saw me, standing out in the crowd, I was not just another pair of shoes. I see a lady on the street and I think she is obvious because she is outcast and different but I (despite my outfit choices - these thing are only relevant to the analogy not the message) will merge into the crowd and pass by unnoticed. Eh-eh (imagine gameshow blunder sound). There is no excuse, there is no reason, there is no opting out of that scenario. We cannot blend into the background and pretend that we are not part of that scene, that hustle and bustle; we have been spotted and are implicated whether we like it or not.

I'm going to quote Shane now, quoting yet someone else again, 'cause he is my (and everyone else's at the moment!) new "hero". It won't be as eloquent I warn you now:
Guy says to another guy "I want to ask God why he lets so much poverty and suffering happen in the world but I'm afraid He will ask me the same question back."
We are God's hand and feet on earth now that Jesus isn't here, the body of Christ as it were, so if we see things that need doing, duh, aren't we the instruments to get it done? That last bit was very much in the words of K.B. but the principles run deeper even that S.C. nay twas J.C. Himself.

Blimey. This is some serious shit. We're talkin' 'bout a revolution, sounds, like a whisper.