Not the post I was going to write next

I want to vent about how I have not been a very good Christian today. I had another post in mind, hence not forseeing this. I also didn't intend to be a not very good Christian.

I just didn't intend hard enough to try and be alright at it.

I've managed to be blah and non-seeking, non-joyful, non-life-giving, non-progressive, non-interested, non-alive. It's not because all I did was walk and sit in Starbucks and walk and sit in Starbucks and walk - that isn't great but it has all the potential in the world to give glory to God if it was His idea. It was the way I half-heartedly said "you have this day" and then proceeded to make no effort. Not in the physical where things were limited and I had no real good ideas and was a little weary, but mentally I just didn't bother. I lived in my own stupid, selfish, unholy head; thinking about things I KNOW I have no business thinking about (not like dirty thoughts or anything, just not looking to God and getting stressed and dwelling on the past and wondering about the future and daydreaming instead of focusing on what He has and hasn't said and all that jazz) and generally not actually making the choice for my actions (albeit synaptic ones) to reflect my ideals.

How bad is this for example: I was not really doing much, my battery had died having spent most of the day on my laptop, I was too worn out with too many bags to go outside and it was cold and raining anyway. As a last resort sitting in Starbucks I tried to read my bible but then I decided that, given I was tired, maybe God wanted to speak to me through dreams; so I had a 2 hour nap instead. I basically told Him to come and see me when He was ready and then curled up with my earphones in.

When you are visiting it is like you have to spend all your time making the most of the opportunity to see people. I didn't have any lined up today (aside from music practice this eve) but I was OK with that - it's going to be a pretty long one tomorrow and I did move my stuff to Anna's (giving Beautiful Brian a break) which made it not totally unproductive. With no plans or distractions I had a readymade opportunity to spend quality time with God instead; and I chose to think about the songs I need to learn, moan about my aches and kick back like a lazy cow. I didn't even do any maths. I didn't even try and it only occured to me this eve how that must have made God feel - like He was too much effort.

Sorry God. I'm going to try harder tomorrow. This feeling really sucks you know, I've let Him down. When it gets a bit tougher I'm supposed to up the anti, not give up.

One thing's for sure - I'll need His help.