Not the post I was going to write next

I want to vent about how I have not been a very good Christian today. I had another post in mind, hence not forseeing this. I also didn't intend to be a not very good Christian.

I just didn't intend hard enough to try and be alright at it.

I've managed to be blah and non-seeking, non-joyful, non-life-giving, non-progressive, non-interested, non-alive. It's not because all I did was walk and sit in Starbucks and walk and sit in Starbucks and walk - that isn't great but it has all the potential in the world to give glory to God if it was His idea. It was the way I half-heartedly said "you have this day" and then proceeded to make no effort. Not in the physical where things were limited and I had no real good ideas and was a little weary, but mentally I just didn't bother. I lived in my own stupid, selfish, unholy head; thinking about things I KNOW I have no business thinking about (not like dirty thoughts or anything, just not looking to God and getting stressed and dwelling on the past and wondering about the future and daydreaming instead of focusing on what He has and hasn't said and all that jazz) and generally not actually making the choice for my actions (albeit synaptic ones) to reflect my ideals.

How bad is this for example: I was not really doing much, my battery had died having spent most of the day on my laptop, I was too worn out with too many bags to go outside and it was cold and raining anyway. As a last resort sitting in Starbucks I tried to read my bible but then I decided that, given I was tired, maybe God wanted to speak to me through dreams; so I had a 2 hour nap instead. I basically told Him to come and see me when He was ready and then curled up with my earphones in.

When you are visiting it is like you have to spend all your time making the most of the opportunity to see people. I didn't have any lined up today (aside from music practice this eve) but I was OK with that - it's going to be a pretty long one tomorrow and I did move my stuff to Anna's (giving Beautiful Brian a break) which made it not totally unproductive. With no plans or distractions I had a readymade opportunity to spend quality time with God instead; and I chose to think about the songs I need to learn, moan about my aches and kick back like a lazy cow. I didn't even do any maths. I didn't even try and it only occured to me this eve how that must have made God feel - like He was too much effort.

Sorry God. I'm going to try harder tomorrow. This feeling really sucks you know, I've let Him down. When it gets a bit tougher I'm supposed to up the anti, not give up.

One thing's for sure - I'll need His help.

Forward

I felt like God wanted me to send an email today. So I did. It was about something that I really knew he'd taught me and then suddenly I decided he wanted to teach someone else too. Now I think perhaps I will tell you, just in case it is relevant:

When I quit smoking I did not at first succeed and then, when I found myself doing it and keeping it a secret because everyone at church thought I had stopped, I felt a lot of guilt and shame. God really spoke to me about this. It is a huge area in which Satan has power if we give it to him. The way I started to look at it was that I was already falling into a trap of temptation by giving in to the desire to smoking, but if I also felt guilty about it then that gives the devil a double victory.

So I would encourage you, as you tackle this issue, to not give in to the second temptation. God will help you with you addiction and He does not judge you for it but loves you despite it. You have no right to feel bad about yourself as you are loved by God and your path is in Him. Seek after Him help, tell Him you can't do it, but don't tell yourself you are rubbish or can't succeed or have failed. He is the God of second chances, and third and fourth...

So that is it. If you are going to smoke, try reading your bible as you do it. I did and I felt like I was give the finger to Satan because even though I was struggling in one area it did not keep me from seeking after God. And I think it is one of the ways that I was freed from need because it helped me give the issue more and more to God. He can see us in everything we do so why not do it in front of Him and be open about the problem.

It is in the loneliness and guilt that the strong hold comes, don't let Satan keep you down.

There you go. Combining the ease of not having to write a new post with confession! Good for the bedtime and the soul. Note that you can insert for "smoking" any sin, vice or temptation. I know I do!

Ciao ciao...