Live Repentance feat. Analogy

I don't know what to blog about! I have lots of things I could do - both trivial and non - but I don't know which one to choose. I feel like writing about what is most recent given that would be the freshest "off the press" story and some of the others can go on hold easily... But there are even so many recent things to distill.

Had a great morning full of answers to prayer to do with work and hugely augmented faith as a result. Bit of a crash in the middle which I am putting down to Satan being so annoyed at earlier victory but with a great boost from a very well-timed sister! Amazing evening with my girlies which would take a lot of background info but was very inspired and boosting and wonderful... and then there was the drive home.

Not much has happened since I got in the door so I suppose that is the most recent thing.

I have a car. It is a bit of a luxury as a student. Especially given how safe and functional it is! I know I talk about environment and consumerism but I think that this car is OK and, selfishness aside, I will try and justify it. I see it very much as a gift from God and as such try and use it for other people where possible. Not in a "wow I'm holy way" but you know the bible says for those that use their gifts more is given and for those that don't they will be taken away - I figure if I give people lifts I may get my VW camper and if I don't I may have to take the bus. It's a nobrainer! Anyway. I have recently been able to do this a lot. It's cold and dark and there has been a bit of prowler around Brizzle but in that I have been picking up and dropping off girls and, well, I suppose letting God use me to protect them. I love it! So I was thanking him for this tonight when I took my friends home and it led me onto the story of how I got Valerie (the car). Which made me realise in turn some things that I probably needed to repent of! You can be my witnesses.

When I passed my test, back in the summer of '06, I didn't think I'd get a car. Then a friend of a friend was getting rid of their's and offered it my way. Even that was a God thing (not just 'cause they were a Christian) as it really did bless me tons and gave me a sense of freedom and security at a time when I was a bit unsettled and very not free. In honour of the Christianess of the gift I called the car Eli. It was defo a boy and I thought it was a cool name. Well then, a short way into the first term of the next academic year I had a little accident. First POI (point of impetus!): forgive and let go of blame in that - the person who did not indicate, the person who pissed me off before I got in the car, myself for being a numpty. CHECK. I still drove Eli for ages unrepaired, irresponsibly I suppose but the indicator worked - just. I'm sorry for that too - doesn't really show much love does it. When I got home at Christmas, the last day of term in fact (driving on the M25 to be specific) it finally gave up. I get home and I could not go right without waving an arm. Pretty cool stuff that it lasted till then exactly so thanks God!

It was a clear write-off. A car that cost a penny for legalistic ownership sakes was really not worth replacing the whole front and side of. Rubbish. Or not... here's a cunning tip for you kids: if you want a car get one that is cheap and dangerous, put all your brothers and sisters and their spouses in it, go visit the parents, then drive off in the dark with the bonnet making a noise as it scrape along the ground. This happened in the middle of the term and... well... long story short there was an early 21st present waiting for me back home!

The short story long is that they had been so distressed by this scenario that they decided I had to have a new car and it had to be before my birthday (in April) so it would come at Christmas. They chose it carefully and were going to surprise me with it in the new year just before I drove back but seeing my car at a new level of atrocity they ended up telling me straight away. I couldn't get it till the end of the hols 'cause one of the reasons they acted early was so it could first be used by this lovely missionary couple we know that visit England every Christmas back from their project in Uganda.

Well, needless to say I was delighted! Of course they were welcome to the car for now, I was the luckiest girl already. My wheels now had a roll cage! More than than even (important though it is I'm sure) it had a radio controlled lock and CD player!! OK, the crunch time was that it was a Nissan Micra new style... the girliest middle age car ever made and with a weird face at the front. The funny thing about this was that my parents had bought one 6 months prior (which is why they knew it was good) and at the time I had told them not to 'cause I hated them! Lol, that is so them not to remember, how endearing - I was so excited it didn't really matter.

'Cept when there is a though of negativity, even a little bit, there tends to be a build up of frustration in relationships. We say things are OK and push on trying to make it so, telling ourselves that we are bad for feeling, well ingratitude for example. Meanwhile it boils beneath the surface unless you deal with it or it erupts. Forcing loving ain't possible - it needs to come from God or it won't be lasting and for that we need to confess and ask him to help.

I can see you looking shocked that I ever had a problem, even for a minute, with this situation. What can I say - I told you I'm not holy. Spoiled brat comes to mind right...? Well, I agree. I'm all about exposing the past crap and the lies that bring us to that place and you know what, as I told this story to my car full of friends I realised that some of it just never got officially addressed. People at my church talk about "doing business with God" which makes me cringe but it does kinda have a point too. I often find myself saying "I'll do it later" and I realise that sometimes I find it hard to make time and concentrate and bring these things before Him. Well maybe that "another day" attitude is something that we get from Satan trying to stop us dealing with things that we'd benefit "settling up the account" over. So I'm doing it now, live as it were (!) to make sure I don't let that happen.

What happened then? Well Mum and Dad aren't hearing this for the first time - they did eventually bear the fall out of these pent up thoughts. Sorry 'bout that by the way - I'll ring you and do it properly, but sorry. I needed a bit of practise before the motorway trip so I took their Nissan for spin round Sainsbury's car park and it was then that I had a bit of a stress. The thing is Eli (who was a Mazda LX 121) had this really big square back window with visibility to die for (or not!) and I could park easily and see to the left and right and all kinds of good stuff like that. Check him out:

Suddenly a modern car with side bars and rounded design and safely features just didn't do it at all - I could not drive this car. It wasn't right for me; it wasn't 'me'. I panicked, I stressed, I let all the pent up frustrations ever get to me and God wasn't there to dispell that with his love, or heal any insecurities or damages. So I vented. Big time. I've always been a tell-it-like-it-is-girl but I used to be a lot less loving in that and I suppose for all these things I am really sorry too and need to say it - and accept forgiveness too.

At the time though it just came out. That they hadn't checked with me 'cause they wanted to do this for their friends and my input didn't count, they went for a car I told them I didn't like and didn't even care enough to remember that, they didn't actually care about me at all it was just "doing the right thing" and getting rid of potential guilt, their Christian motives came before their parental ones (always a killer for kids of Christians, ask any shrink!), they chose a car they didn't represent me at all - that wasn't anger so much as me being upset that I had to let go of Eli, retro and cool with a red and grey striped interior, boxy shape and tape player on which I listened to all the old Now's; then replace it with a modern girly-but-not-in-a-good-way boring car that made me a grown up before I was ready. I felt like I was missing the window on being a studenty fun cheap car'd chick who could paint patterns and what not. This was it. A few months of that was all I got. A mum-mobile before I was a mum that would last so long I'd be one by then and it would be too late to be cool.

I don't say this 'cause I want to make my folks feel bad. I acknowledge that it was totally not a valid reaction and most people would be shocked that I said this in response to a car given freely and lovingly out of a genuine care for safety and happiness. There was an oversight of not consulting me but it is just as much sweet that they wanted to surprise me and t'was my own "issues" that made this stuff come up, not their mistakes. Deep rooted ones that are put there by the enemy to upset us and drive wedges between people and hide away so we can't identify them. We were talking today about things from when we're young that we then need to deal with as adults. Happens to us all. Which is the point - one lady shared about her friend who had to forgive her mum for neglecting them as kids because she spent all her energies guarding them from an abusive father. It's hardly wrong and the frustrating thing is that were she to have not done that her daughter would be forgiving her for having not guarded them from an abusive father. It seems like a lose-lose situation.

The truth it, pobody is nerfect (I know, I'm sorry). In any relationship (and parents are just the obvious ones 'cause they are so early on and so key) things go wrong 'cause of the fallen human nature. When we grow up, or just move on, we need to take responsibility for this and learn to deal with it by letting God and his love sort out our problems. There was Adam and he brought in the shite but Jesus came to take it back out so really let's get over the inevitable flaws, forgiving ourselves and each other, so we can receive His perfection.

Our relationship with Him is based upon what we have modeled to us and if we can't get past the errors that will inevitably be there we won't be able to have a whole relationship with Him.

The funny thing too is that Valerie just is me now! Even named after a song that reminds me of me ("I miss your ginger hair and the way you like to dress" - what's that you say...? Narcissistic?). I was rebelling and not feeling ready for maturity but I was and it came and now, well, I am loving her and her electric windows and reliability and security and all that jazz. I like being warm when I drive along and having comfortable suspension! I love that God gave me a car and how, right since I got back, it has come in really handy for so many people. I still wouldn't say no a a VW one day but my identity is in Him and not in my transportation. Though I did just use my car as an analogy for my new life so in a way I suppose my identity is in my transportation... Oh it's late, I'm allowed to make no sense! Going back to the analogy briefly: dangerous wreck that nearly got me seriously injured - loving parent gave me a brand new wonderful safe and fitting vehicle that meets my needs and has far more value... Love it!

I love my car. I love my parents. I love my God. I love leaving old identities behind and coming into new ones. I smirk that my last post was about wanting to not be über-Christian but I still write about this before I share cabbage recipes... Oh well. Some things there just ain't no denying... You've such amazing grace :-)

N.B. The last line quotes an 80's power ballad called 'The Power of Love' but I figure noone will get that unnoitified.

2,000

That's a lot of visits! Well, it's obviously interval dependent but it's still a nice sounding big number! I'd like to thank my parents, for their unceasing interest in my life; my sister for logging in a few times a day to make me look popular and generally being really encouraging; Darryl for humouring me and giving me the prod to start with; Ms Spitfire for loads (though I'm going to do that with a sulky face given she doesn't seem to be around very much right now :-S); British Nathan for being so affirming early on; Lizzie for being so affirming recently; anyone that has ever commented really; my "followers" (oh I have noticed the number grew to plural and then some!); all you people who visit a normal amount :-P; anyone that typed in a song lyric and by chance found me (it still counts as a hit!)... Ummm, and I think that might be it. If you don't fit into those formal catergories then the jury is out on whether you can have a proper class - it may compromise the hierarchy of sets but, to hell with it, have your own collection and I'll thank you too!

I am a pretty different person since I started writing. I think that I have changed a lot since my first counted visitor (I actually added the counter on the eve on my B so I know that have changed a lot) but it's not all been for good. Lots of God - Yay! A bit too much Christianity - *sharp intake of breath*. I of course mean by the world's definitions and not the biblical one. Words are what you make them people - semantics are everything. As I saw once on a random wall in Vienna just at the right moment:
"Don't try to be an apple if you're a banana, you'll only be a second rate apple."
I have almost definitely overcompensated at times - I can be a bit of an all or nothing girl. Made in the image of Christ not generic Christian. It's funny to joke about but less funny to become.

We'll talk about that another time. I've used enough words, I'm off to watch Neighbours!

Thank You Parents

My parents are THE BEST EVER. Like, I know we all say it (or sometimes really don't!) but today I think they may have surpassed the limit of giving good gifts to their children into downright inconceivable.

Whilst I have been away they have supervised the repair of all my windows, built me a bed, put up my bathroom cabinet, hung my curtains, bought and fitted a pulleyed clothed dryer in my kitchen, dropped off the furniture that matches my grandparents old dresser (that they also gave me), renewed the tax disc in my car, done my washing... and I've probably missed or forgotten or just not found out something else...

I am not trying to boast. I am trying to say 'Thank You' and 'I Love You'. I also want to make an analogy.

I find it hard to write this post because:
a) it sounds really cheesy and I know that there have probably been LOADS of times where I have not been so vehement of this attitude (justifiably and not!) and generally it seems glib,
and
b) I know how lucky I am and it can't be easy for people that don't have parents, don't have such obviously attentive caring ones, or maybe theirs just can't help them is such ways... I feel bad rubbing that in those people's face and also like I come across a little smug.

But the thing is, this is such a perfect example of what parenthood can be. In this moment of wonderfulness (which can also be seen in the times of discipline, hardship and controversy but is perhaps less obvious) I can see clearly an image of the fatherhood and motherhood of God. I don't want to overlook the glory of this feeling so I think I will write about it anyway.

The role of a parent is so important in the way it is an example of our relationship with God (like how marriage demonstrates another aspect - don'tcha just love how diverse relationships are, how with God we have all the sorts rolled into one and that He gives us examples of the different aspects!). That is a huge challenge to rise to and of course they are going to get it wrong sometimes.

Though for some that may seem like an understatement and with this symbolism comes it's own problems. Firstly I am aware that not everyone feels the same joy in these type of relationships. As with any hardship it is easier said that done to say that God is working through that to teach and to bring good things and that His parentage however hands-off it may seem (not true mind) is sufficient. So often it becomes easy for us to assimilate our negative images of parents with the biblical analogy and think that the worldly elements of error is something we receive from our Heavenly Father instead of those being exactly what He isn't. That sucks and I am sorry.

'Cause when I look at what I have and what maybe others don't I am reminded that we all have the same promises from God. And that what my parents fail at, He doesn't. And that the size of what they give is tiny in comparison with what He gives. So, while it may be a rubbish thing to hear me to say, I am glad that there is in the world examples of parentage being this lovely 'cause it can help just a little bit to understand what it means to be a child of God. You can't deny I am lucky and He does all the above and more: wow am I looking forward to finding out His surprises...!

Another thing I have realised is how easy it is for me to say thank you and I love you in a really heartfelt way to my biological parents:
a) Shameful fact that it is the result of a direct gift is telling of how easily I forget otherwise,
and
b) When it's God and you can't see the joy in His face or hear it in his voice, does it feel as rewarding? Are we as compelled?

I can't be ashamed to have such great folks, to do so would be to shirk the gift that God gave me when he put me in this family. So today I just want to say 'Thank You' and 'I Love You'. To my earthly parents - superstars and a wonderful demonstration of His love; and to Him, for blessing me with them.