A Discovery of Deception

I was just now thinking about what it is that's so hard about struggles. Life struggles, faith struggles, dealing with personal issues or just being motivated to live in all fullness. Just anything hard really.

And I discovered a LIE! You know one of those things that you just think without realising that it is a load of bollocks.

When I get demotivated, which is quite a lot actually, it feels like I am wasting life. I know I am doing wrong when I seek comfort in bad places (I've tried quite a few in my time and though my vices are less these days there are still plenty of things that get me, some more that others. Like blocking out reality by going on line, or comfort eating...) and generally don't live up to God's perfect ideal. Which really sucks.

Then of course enters the knowledge that I really need to sort out my self discipline. It is biblical and good (especially for managing time which is of utmost importance to me and also something that Mrs P31, my inspiration, did). It gives one self control instead of letting worldly things take over. Fasting is SUCH a good example, it can bring me out of a fleshly plane and helps me focus on the spiritual realm a bit more.

But something was going majorly wrong.

I've been a bit run down spiritually, going up'n'down in a mostly usual way but it has been growing slowly more negative as the low moments are becoming longer. I often put this kind of thing down to when God is doing cool stuff in and/or through me and the debil does not like it. Makes sense of late, life is pretty intense and exciting on many fronts...

So I have been really fixated on the goal of self-control as being my key to unlocking this depression. Like, getting out of bed on time, eating sensibly, setting goals for work and other such targets. All the stuff that I know works, is biblically sound and therapistically too come to think of it. Forming a habit and then inhabiting the form (Don'tcha love that?).

But I missed the point entire and I think that perhaps this kinda stems from the fact that I looked at the psychology and having noted that it's *like* the bible followed it instead; forgetting that the bible is the first truth and how things that looks like it are a semblance or a shadow of the truth. Likely to break down in their validity at some point, as they forget about my omnipotent God.

'Cause the thing that makes no sense is that when the moment is at it's most crucial - where every decision is hardest and the easiest things to do become huge goals; going to a lecture is a day's worth of achievement and getting a coursework actually completed and handed in on time feels like it should last a week; having a single positive thought feels like you have won some prize but the balance can tip in an instant - that is when I am supposed to exert self-control. It's already impressive to be disciplined when life is hunky dorey and I make the choice to get up before 9, wash, read, go to uni, pray, be slightly organised and tidy and make the most of most of my time. To then put my emotions at the other end of the scale where getting up at all becomes an achievement and turning up late to a seminar feels like I deserve a first class degree and THEN say I need to train myself into positive habits... Now THAT really is akin to getting a camel - a very miserable and stubborn camel - out of a big pit of mirey clay and telling it to understand Second Order Logic.

Duh. This isn't Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I am not supposed to be "training" myself to do anything.

I've just seen that what I've been trying to do is akin to using Will Power and thus living in my own strength. By sneakily disguising it under the name self-control which we all know is a good thing Satan can bring in an incredible amount of pain to a struggle that is supposed to be easy to bear. That verse in 2 Peter, "make every effort..." doesn't mean you "try on your own". We cannot do these things by own own strength. This self-control that helps us live a Godly life, it is one of the fruits of the Spirit and it is funny how utterly subtly I just forgot that these are given to us and not something we work for. We must desire it but we do not have to DO a single thing to receive it.

Those who hope in the Lord WILL renew their strength and rise up on wings like eagles.
I hope so I will. I don't will to have hope.

How Can You Know Me?

A bit of a pretentious analogy for the way in which I am so very very deep...!

OK, so, the idea is that my blog represents me, right, and the message I "put out there"? And that it is a big jumbled up mess of thoughts. Some of it is personal, some (well a lot) silly, but not even together do all the posts give a full picture. I can't always write and when I do it is honed to give you the impression I want and the insights that I am in the mood to share.

Really, if you could login to my dashboard, you'd find TONS of half-drafted posts. Some too personal. Some a poor representation of who I want you to see. Lots and lots and lots I just haven't had the chance to finish and share. Then there are the ones I haven't quite worked through yet and it might take a conversation or two with others to get things to a point of greater clarity.

Which is how I feel about relationships with people. That what we give out is the tip of the iceberg and that it takes a hell of a lot of time and probing to get to the things that there just isn't a chance for day-to-day. Even with those people that in theory you would let in, it takes a major effort in this day and age (or perhaps in every day and age, how can we tell?).

Which isn't even taking into account the fact that for some things you will need my private password to get to read...

People, with all their complicated messages and ideas. Some private personal soul wrenching details; others just a bit sideways that take unraveling. The vast majority un-chartered for no reason other than lack of opportunity. Logistically we can't get close to too many but I think if we take the time it is worth it for a few.

Maybe the only person you will ever get to know is yourself. That alone would take a lifetime+ Of course it may be rather nice to share it with another and have them help you on the journey - work out those posts/areas in which you have come to a brick wall and need a conversation to move forward and grow.

LOL, did Miss Independent get all soppy about boys for a minute? Not likely! Just, you know, I concede that it can actually be a good thing. Say, for example, when you want to give strangers a bed for the night and don't like the idea of being alone in the house with them... ENTER The Husband! :-P Until then, I've got my friends to keep me talking and walking. Plus, there aren't enough Christian men for everybody and it would feel selfish to nab one for meself!

Ha ha ha. I'm going to bed. This is just the tip of the iceberb...

My Second Love

I just read a post from Darryl's blog - about a Henri Nouwen video we watched t'other week at YAGs. Don't worry, I seldom actually visit TYC. I read it on Facebook so he doesn't get my hits...

Anyways. It was a really inspiring video and reading that post reminded me of what I had gotten from it, not to mention the pretty cool realisation I made after, so I though I would share. Some of you may know all too well what I am talking about and for others it will be nice and vague - the vagueness is sufficient for the example and, if you do understand all too well, I don't suppose it matters.

When I went to Paris in October and watched the Rugby World Cup final I had a pretty fun time. There's a few legendary stories - see here for example - but the real clincher for me now, I must admit, is the way in which God spoke to me. [This comment reminds me of the thing Sara said t'other day about what my parties are likely to turn into. A recent incident that only confirms the journey of my reputation down the plughole was when my visiting friends wanted to watch one of the infinite sky channels on my ginormous TV that I seldom-to-never watch. They switched it on and it was showing The God Channel... saaaaaaaad.]

Getting off the tangent. God talked to me there about love and how we need to love each other and ourselves and that all love comes from Him and it is His love that we are ultimately seeking. There is more to this I know, about loving God back for example (see Darryl's post - I am trying to move away from the competitiveness a little now it's an official grace killer. If it's on the list I MUST obey...) but at the time I was in a place (spiritually that is) where I didn't know what I believed and could not really understand the idea of loving God, let alone all that Christian jazz. So He gave me some survival tips and a real experience of His love for me. All this hapened in Paris, the City of Love, speaking the Language of Love and in the Sacré Coeur (sacred heart). The symbolism was not lost on me and it felt like I was having a romantic weekend away with God.

Anyway. The thing from Henri? Well if you are a regular reader (one of 4) you may have noticed that one of the things I have been learning about is God being my first priority, not letting man distract from Him and making sure that I put my trust and hope and love into Him. It's taken me a while since Paris, I still have a long way to go and He has made it pretty clear that until I can be wholly into that there is not going to be space for anyone else on my life. We're talking about boyfriends in case you hadn't picked up on that. When I was traveling in June I did a lot of learning about this (there was a pretty cool analogy, that I wrote about here, from Budapest). Henri phrased it in a fabulous way: "God is your First Love and man (relationships of all kinds) is your second. If you look in your second love for what you can only find in your First then you will crash." (That's not a direct quote but its close.)

I already knew this but it was good to be reminded and hear someone else put it so well. Then, when we were in the tea shop after YAGs (it gets worse and worse, we used to go to the pub), talking ont I realised sommat cool as an extra.

Here goes with the necessary personal detail. When I was in Budapest I was inadvertently a bit preoccupied with a certain "second love". God was pretty clear to me on what He thought (I realised a little too late) but these things can take over and, well, the days that followed were pretty chocka of visuals and lessons which I made some mention of at the time but did not give all the context. Now you have it you can reread through new eyes (which you will of course now do...).

God really speaks to me when I travel. Symbolism is cool and I love how using different cities He says different things. I can't wait to work out the significance of Bristol...

Geneva's easy: the motto is "post tenebras lux" - after the darkness, the light; Paris: city of love; Budapest? Well, people call it the Paris of Eastern Europe and at the time I could not help but think 'oooh, this is the encouraging love symbol for the certain preoccupation'. Eh Eh. (supposed to be a sound effect from a quiz show, did it work?) That Tuesday 2 weeks back I suddenly realised....

...Budapest does represent the preoccupation (I think from now on whenever I fancy someone I will refer to them as my preoccupation!), just not how I was looking at it. The Second City of Love, or perhaps rather City of Second Love by it's very name is akin to what M Nouwen described. It also has a real history of violence and corruption - the damaging potential of human love. It is love but it is the kind Henri warns of: not perfect, certainly not enough and with the propensity to go horribly wrong if that is where you are storing your treasure.

Now for the thing that was OVERWHELMING cool, as I was sitting in Kafé Deko talking myself hoarse: check out what I bought in the second hand shop in Budapest...

(It's mirror image but I can't flip it)

Even looking for the wrong type of love, in the city of the wrong type of love, I found (as God so graciously revealed Himself) perfect Parisian Love to take away with me - in the shape of a very cool retro compact mirror. It may have taken a while to realise but I was carrying it around all along.

Ooh ooh ooh! Last thought. If the sunglasses I lost (see this to understand) are the second love, they give a tinted view of the world. The mirror, the First Love, reflects a perfect image of who I am. There has to be something deep in that. I can't believe I'm now glad I lost them! Lol... too true...

Sorry it's such a long message. I just though that those that appreciate this kind of thing probably like the details too. That and I can't help myself!

If people don't like me they can fuck off... and they do!

For a long time this was my mantra. I lived by it. I wrote it on my Facebook (a sure sign of it's significance). It may even be on my Blogger profile.

Now I don't know.

I have been thinking a lot about where the line is when it comes to changing for other people. This is the major issue that I am dealing with at the moment, having been triggered by various and completely unrelated scenarios and conversations over the last few days.

It is not at all black and white.

I don't like things that are grey. For one thing it suggests uncertainty and that is only bearable for me when it's God imposed (and still frustrating!) and for another, it often requires lots of thinking and processing and organising of those thoughts until I reach a content conclusion.

And I am not quite sure I have ever had to deal (since Jesus) with a question this complex, confusing and potentially upsetting before. Where finding an answer could really affect my outlook and, nay, the need for that answer is quite significant. I can't go through life undecided on this front.

So, having been theoretical and completely vague up till this point, let's have a look see if I can come up with some solid expositions of my dilemma.

Have you ever found something really petty really annoying about other people? I have. Loads of times. I feel bad the amounts I have told people I care about off for eating loudly or blowing thier nose in a funny way. I have also been on the receiving end a fair amount - for example, when I was younger I developed an obsessive sniff that I used to get commented on at school and it also came back in my later teenage years and never really left. This year it has really calmed down to the point that it isn't really a part of my identity anymore, which is really cool. That and other stuffs too (take a moment to, literally, Thank The Lord). These days I am really in the school of thought that tolerance is something that we should show to others and that loving them comes first and foremost, above anything insignificant that they may do to annoy us (Easier said than done: I am a theoriser, not a practical adviser). Isn't it better to deal with frustrations by asking God to help and not to let Satan's little grievances get into out relationships and kill the love (I think one can easily take a secular approach to this and look at trying to be loving to others and just ignore the God/devil bit). So, I am sorry that I ever told you off for stupid habits and I will try and work through it in me instead of expressing it to you when I am pissed off (feel free to hold me accountable too... I will need it). That said, if criticising is something that frustrates me, is that in itself not a rather petty thing? Perhaps I should just take it, so as not to be a hypocrite? [Note: these observations apply to petty habits, not to people that are doing mean shit... then you can have a smackdown.]

The thing is, as I said, I come from a background of receiving criticism over little things which has led me to strongly feel that it is too petty to be worth addressing. Talking with a friend tonight, who is very into personal development, I was opened up to the idea that when someone says something, regardless of how unimportant it seems to you, it is an opportunity to say "I don't want to be the kind of person that does things to annoy you so I will try and change and anyway, it is always good to improve oneself". Interesting approach. I suppose I would probably normally say to myself at the best "I don't like that you just criticised me but I will try and rise above it" or on a tougher day "I don't like that you criticised me and will try and prove to you that it was wrong!". None of those are very love thy neighbour are they... That said, it still does not take into account that people don't have the right to make you feel bad about yourself and one of my biggest grievances with Christianity is the misconstrution that we are to let others walk all over us regardless of how hurtful or just plain in the wrong they are.

But is that misconstrued? Surely turn the other cheek is, basically, just that?

There is a further question to all this. One which goes beyond annoying habits... What if your very personality is one that people around you can't cope with?

This is something i have to deal with on a daily basis!

And there is definitely a not-grey area within which I try to be considerate, at least most of the time. This is one of the main reasons I have given up drinking coffee. And try to, sometimes at least, think before I speak.

But right now I want to draw the line at actively trying to "cure" my condition. This sounds really strange and more than a little confusing but, basically, I am incredibly obtuse at times. And loud and overt and intense. [And, I will concede, absolutely loveable - to some of the people some of the time.] This is all to the point that it is widely assumed (and as yet half-diagnosed) that I have ADHD. (I publish this a day late and since writing have had a total stranger ask me if I was after 5 minutes of conversation.) Which isn't something that I particularly feel comfortable writing on the internet but it explains best what I am getting at and is something I would end up telling almost anyone if it came up in conversation anyway, so isn't a big secret. The point it it's part of me, there are definitely good sides to it, God seems to be showing me ways to help with the negatives but in some ways I could definitely be easier on everyone if I were to take the pills everyday and actually want to be different (which actually, I do sometimes but I rather think that ties in with fluctuating self-esteem issues - that is a whole aside about which came first and could be quite relevant to my answer were I to be able to formulate my thoughts).

I may find out one day that I am not ADHD, which to be honest would be a bit shit because then I have no excuse at all and would have to face my inadequacy at studying without getting any tools or having excuses. Still, the dilemma would stand. How much of me must I change in order that I do have functioning relationships with others? Does the old wives tale that "if your friends want you to be different they don't really care about you and aren't worth it" really stand? And what about "you should only change for yourself, no-one else"?? Am I just being selfish to even want to stay as I am and be accepted for it and foolish to think that maybe people should be challenged on what they expect others to conform to...?

The problem of bad experiences rise again. I have know criticism from people that, after all, probably didn't have my best interests at heart. Ergo, I now want to fight to the death for my right to be who I am. Bang my own drum as it were. Have I let the attacks just cause me to be blind to my faults and defend in an over sensitive manner things that would just make sense to let go of? Or am I just more aware of the question because I have had to give it some proper thought?

My true identity is in Christ and there are lots of ways in which I can justify compromising certain aspects of my verbosity in order to encompass love and compassion and perseverance and what not. But so many of these things don't seem to fit into a camp of 'good-Christian' or 'bad-Christian'. I don't want to change so that I can have friends (I do have some friendships by the way, I am writing more from an aspect of concern for their health and continued existence!), it goes against every bone in my body. Yet, everyone needs friends right? Perhaps even a "significant other" one-day (was at a hen 'do' today and one has to concede at least that perhaps there are some benefits to boyfriends). A blog isn't really enough and if it were to mean functioning relationships in my life is it not a worthwhile sacrifice? We always have to give things up for those we love, I know that. So why not who we are...

When it comes down to it, if everyone does fuck off, would it have been worth holding onto my "identity"?


P.S. I wrote this quite tired and stressed. I had a really good Sunday and will try and do a follow up post tomorrow (that is Mon) to bring in some less self-defacing thoughts and some truly fabulous things that I learnt. Question still stands though, just take the negativity with a pinch of salt.