We like brit blondes and we cannot lie
You other brothers can’t deny
When a girl walks in in red white blue
And a platinum haircut too
We are charmed, wanna offer her tea
And fall down on bended knee
To praise and then start singing
“You’ve lost that lovin’ feeling”
Oh Lady, will you come and teach us
How to speak thus?
How could anyone refuse?
When she sounds like Julie Andrews
Ooh, Union-jack-clad-lass
If we could have your class
Well wouldn’t it be loverly
We’d dance (brit pronounc.) and say it properly
We’ve heard her question
To hell with discretion
She’s loud and smart
Got goin’ with a lot of heart
We’re tired of other girls
Sayin’ it’s all about looks and pearls
Take the average yagster and ask what he’d pick
She gotta have much wit
So, fellas! (Yeah!) Fellas! (Yeah!)
Has our Katie got the brit? (Hell yeah!)
Tell her to share it! (Share it!) Share it! (Share it!)
Give us somma your brit!
Baby got brit!
Today I share with you the lyrics that inspired the name Baby Got Brit. They were written for me by my darling friend, and most dedicated follower, Miss Spitfire, as a gift for my 22nd birthday almost a year ago. I have been waiting for an appropriate time to make this tribute but today I can wait no longer - for this is the last post I will make on BGB.
When I took a break and started to fast "Intermacy" I knew that over lent I would have to decide on the future nature of my blogging. I loved to blog, to share, to talk about myself (who doesn't?) and make insightful comments on life and what not. However, there was a line of divulgence that I had crossed unawares and, better late than never, I resolved to reset that line. What I didn't realise was that over lent God was going to show me so many things about myself that I would end up deciding on a lot more than my blog's future nature.
So, on one last crazy blow out of sharing, I will tell you a little bit of what He did in me.
Oh the hilarity of the analogy that I will use! It took me by surprise too but God, in true keeping with how well He knows me, gave me the most fabulous of metaphors that I may treasure and delight it when putting my old self to death becomes just a little too tough. For that is, in effect, what is going on here. This milestone I am accepting on a whole new level exactly what it means to sacrifice even the most fundamental characteristics of Who I Am, in order that I rest upon the secure foundation of Jesus. So many things in me testify to insecurity and, try as I might, that does not change with self-defense or justification... be it the language I use, the things that I own (or obsessively collect!), the way I share my Romans 7 nature in an attempt to rid myself of shame...
At the risk of being too open let's move on and see what it is that spoke to me about this.
Jade Goody.
Oh yes! I too was surprised when I eventually worked it out but it makes such sense.
So who was this star of British reality TV? A loud, bolshy, fun loving, foolish, needy, attention seeking, proud, loving, funny, ridiculous, extreme, verbose (or gobby!), messy, sinful, lovable, broken, indiscrete, unrefined, annoying, genuine, hopeful, hard working, "true-to-herself" girl. All these things and more were said about her at her funeral last weekend. She remains an icon of Great Britishness and, though often slated in the papers and renown for making a spectacle of herself, many people had soft hearts for her and her honesty. Especially towards the end as she battled with cervical cancer and eventually died on the 22nd March.
I once wrote about changing yourself for other people. I remember the gist, though it feels like a long time ago. I think that Jade held strongly to some of the things I was questioning then to do with compromising for other people vs being assured in your own identity. After facing a lot of criticism from very unloving sources I suppose it becomes easy to take ones own standard as the most important and strongly discount the opinions of anyone that don't very very clearly demonstrate love. But the thing is, despite all the things that I latch on to in myself, it is not me that I am accountable to. I can be as immutable in my attitude as I like but until my attitude is totally in line with His then I have not reached my goal... and to progress on a journey we must move.
The story of Jade and I is this:
The whole world knew she was dying, they'd found out months ago and it's been constantly covered by the media ever since. Yet I had somehow missed it. On 28th Feb this year I found out... then just 3 weeks later (wow, it felt longer) she was gone.
Now, I wasn't a fan of her. Not at all in fact. When she was first on Big Brother I thought her ridiculous, hideous, pathetic, idiotic, desperate... the works. She became a background amusement but I never had an ounce of respect for her. Yet when all this came to light, and with the news that she had apparently become a Christian too, I strangely felt emphatically passionate. Like I loved her and wanted to tell her and encourage her and explain that she was special and her faults didn't matter and I was sorry for judging her. I thought it was because I was a Christian now, I suppose that's true in a wider sense. I also wanted her to understand just how huge and amazing her new hope in Jesus was, that He could actually heal her and transform her as well as bring her peace. I wished I could break into the world of PR that couldn't affirm this truth - I even wrote her a song! I thought this was because I have a heart to see a break through of miraculous power and healing that points towards God and shakes the nation. All these things are true, yet somehow there was more...
One friend said to me that he thought I had an unhealthy obsession with her. I tried to explain that I was not idolising Jade, far from it, I wanted to recognise her as a actual person. They said I couldn't do that as I didn't know her. I didn't tell them that I felt like I did... I had no justification at all for that. I even noted to myself the irony that, as she died her death in the public eye (doing interviews to the end and raising money to support her two boys) the whole world reported on it and I, in all my sincere passion, had not written one blog. It was like because it was real it was private.
In her last months the heat was turned up under Jade and I came to realise it was in the fire of refinement that I saw synonymy between her and I. This verse in Isaiah 43 (that I do believe was left for me in a comment here) has been a real comfort to me recently and it became the chorus for the song I wrote her:
You'll walk through the fire and you won't get burned
You're just being refined and there's a lot to learn
But you've got God on your side
And you're making Him smile
It's the Daddy's pride
And it's all worthwhile
I found that I was singing it to myself a fair amount too.
But it wasn't until the night of the day of the funeral that it hit me just why I was so moved for her: I too was coming to the end of my "Jaded" period in life. Not that I will suddenly be made perfect, but hopefully I am significantly moving on from the false bold securities that I have. That is, after all, what refinement is about - being made really hot (and bothered) until only the Good stuff remains.
So, as I didn't report on her journey to the grave, I also didn't blog mine... until now.
For I think that Baby Got Brit, with all it's "charm" and flippant public intimacy, is symbolic of what I am being refined away from. Not that there is anything wrong with who I have been in the process - loving Jade so very very much made me see just how OK it is to have faults; and the soft spot I had for her has been releasing in terms of my own masked shame. But in aspiring for her healing and growth, nay transformation, I realise that I must aspire for my own.
For Baby you are lovely but, aside from all the issues with content, quantity, being totally tangled in direction, the disorganisation in your tags, incontinuity to your themes, out-dated picture and lack of returning back to the hundreds of things you start to mention... aside from all this and more is the simple truth that you are no longer Kat(i)e.
Why not?
I am not platinum now - we all know how significant the hair is.
The girl that went to Paris and met the pilots (reference in the second verse) was a lifetime ago :)
I don't actually say "to h*ll with discretion anymore", I think sometimes it may have its uses!
SHOCK HORROR at the asterisk above - As far as my thoughts on swearing go, in short: I still think it is subjective; it is definitely about the heart; I found out I didn't have as much control over my tongue as I would have liked; I knew that the perception of others is part of the question but I've realised that trying to change that is a tough battle and I want to pick the ones that are most important - I don't think this is one of them.
As for the name, well... I am not a "citizen of the world" anymore so, though Britain will always be close to my heart, I don't want to make it part of my identity. Plus, who knows where God will take me...!
And then there is "Baby".
It has been quite a journey, this blog. From before I even properly made the call to be a Jesus-follower, through my rebirth, all the early questions and now this period of refinement and preparation. I have pretty much exhausted the "observations of a recent convert" theme and, though I have loved it, it is time to let go and move on to something bigger and better. After all, Paul did say:
"When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things." 1 Corinthians 13:11
In all seriousness, the distance I have been brought in the past year astounds me and, actually, I don't want to pretend that I am not weaned. And not just because I am nearly at the age that I think adulthood begins...! I feel different. However scary moving on is, it is time to do it. Life is a race and that means forward motion.
So. Bye bye Baby. Immature, British, brash, broken. I hope it doesn't seem like I'm slagging Jade off - I love us both. I just know that the time has come for a part of me to embrace the same fate as her and wave goodbye to everything that doesn't stand up to the baptism of fire.
Jade Goody. Don't you love that name? The two sides to her summed up... how could this larger than life character be anything but a powerful symbol of modern human "reality" that will be profound to the end - where she found the true reality of a hope that defeats death?
So now I step back from the public eye as she finally has and, laying down my defenses, die to my old self. But then, through the power of Easter, I can rise again a New Creation; as she too has found her resurrection in Christ!
So, what is this New Creation? Mostly off-line actually!
But I don't want to stop blogging just yet. ['Phewww' I hear, from those dedicated few that made it to this point in The Longest Blog Post Ever Written!] I have, instead, identified a sub-theme that I wish to extract from my ramblings and isolate in a new inter-web location. That is:
Analogy!
I know I know, if bloggers are better known for anything than they are for over-divulging it is their tacky metaphors. But I Don't Care! I can't help it, I love 'em and find them all the time, everywhere. I can even justify this with a verse:
"Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely." 1 Corinthians 13:12
To me this just expresses perfectly what it is about analogy that is so significant - how actually everything is an imperfect metaphor for (or isomorphic subset of) the ultimate truth. And what do you know, it comes directly after the verse about putting away childish things. As one door closes, another opens...!
It won't be about my life per se. I think that moving focus away from ourselves is actually quite important, particularly for self-indulgent "media hungry" lil' old me. I will explain more in the new location:
www.analogisethat.blogspot.com
Basically, though, I want to ponder more, divulge less and say what I observe not what I do.
It's not gonna be all stuffy poetic pretentious nonsense mind. Nor will I lose my "cool edge" as I am changed. This can often be the fear/criticism: that when we let God take over our lives we become that certain sort of "religious" (as in not the James kind) loser that is prim, ghastly, monotone and void of individuality. I reckon that God, in all His infinite enormity, has enough facets that we could all take on His image and still be entirely unique and different from each other. This is why I am not terrified of reformation...
That, and perfect love casts out all fear. God must be the only person (I don't mean person, but what else can one say?) who loves us so perfectly that His constructive criticism melts hearts instead of puts up defenses.
So BGB is laid to rest in peace; or goes toddling onwards and upwards if you prefer.
And as I read all the lovely things Miss S wrote about me back then I wonder if, though some fade away, others might increase over time...? Perhaps. I do hope so. The worth of what I am becoming so outweighs the losses that, though goodbyes are sad, it is all I can do. All I want to do. As a wise man once said, sometimes something has to die before something else can come to life and grow.
While we are yet to be made perfect there will always need to be endings; the important thing is to look forward to what begins next, whatever that may be... One thing of which I am sure: it won't make me cry.
Showing posts with label Identity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Identity. Show all posts
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
The Analogy That Keeps on Giving
I am waiting for growth. Enjoying it short while it lasts. Surely I can let the metaphor go for a while.
But no! What's happened now? I hear you ask. Is the style growing out, maybe I got a trim or a perm (wow that would not work at all)? I actually think that the shape is doing OK. I may or may not tidy it up when I get back to London but it seems to have lasted alright.
I have simply made an insightful observation based upon pre-existing features.
Before I got the chop and went for the "cut the crap and start again approach" to my hair. I was trying to bring it back to ginge (which, in case you didn't know due to repeated brainwashing of jealous people, is a wonderful colour akin to gold and totally cool) the artificial and "fast-tracked" way. That is through dye. The latest time I tried this, when my roots were already at least an inch long, they used an "organic permanent mix" instead of the usual semi as it would be better for the condition. Organic you say? Bring it on I say. BUT, you know what this means? The bit of root I had that ended up being the bulk of the short drastic 'starting again' haircut was actually dyed.
Which meant that I turned out to be more ginger than I actually am naturally.
Only fractionally, maybe a shade more orange, but it does notice in the right light (now my true true roots are coming through) and the overall effect is subtly but significantly brighter.
And this is where it gets clever see. I have been thinking about how maybe I have been being a bit "too" Christian of late. Like, it started out funny and it still is a lot of the time but I don't want to become someone that is all about generic identity and forgetting the fearfully and wonderfully made part.
Looking for your new identity in Christ can be hard, particularly when there are things in your old identity that are tied in with negative conotations. The temptation is to say these things I knew about me are wrong and I need to "find myself" again but you know what, Jesus has already found me. I once was lost but he left those 99 sheep to look for me and is now rejoicing over me with singing. Along with all the angels. I just need to take out the bits of debris that I picked up in the wilderness.
For example: I talk a lot. I mean a lot. There are good things in this. Some of my friends have really encouraged me with statements such as "I like it 'cause it means I don't have to" and it sure comes in handy with some people some of the time and certain types of in-your-face evangelism. But this verbosity has been a bit of point of tension for me, particularly recently since, delightful character trait though it is, it becomes hard to pretend that being "too much" is always other people's problem. I mean, you seldom hear people say that Russell Brand just isn't understood properly and should be put in charge of more things, do you?! Unless you hear it from me that is... "They just can't handle me" was not something that Paul said about mixing with both the Jews and Gentiles etc. So from this came the temptation to believe, based upon the times that I miss the mark, that I am actually just totally wrong in myself. I sure didn't want to live in denial of things I need to change.
The idea of refinement vs rejection of these qualities got a bit muddled up till I wasn't really sure where the old me and the new me changed over. I know I do get it wrong and have a tendency to sometimes speak compulsively and without due care and attention but I didn't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater and assassinating my whole unique character seemed a bit drastic. Confusing.
But the hair thing helps a lot.
As I see it, I am a hell of a lot closer to natural than platinum blonde was. In all the process of trying to force myself into God's identity for me I just got a bit carried away and over did it. But it is relatively small, it will not last forever and it isn't a bad bad match. In time the ends will become a smaller ratio of dyed to real and then, little by little, get trimmed away. (Mum, could you book me that appointment actually please!)
People that know me of late think I'm a bit off the wall; people that knew me before Switzerland think I have calmed down a lot; people that watched it happen... I don't really know what they think...! But somewhere in the middle of all this is a happy balance and I just need to peace out and let God make it happen. In time. As I wait patiently and don't try and force it 'cause actually that don't work. I am alright. I am not perfect. I am in the best possible hands.
When was in GVA and we did the gig (a prime time for God showing me insecurities I forgot I had) we dressed up in *quite* silly outfits. Both my other band members (which is why I am putting their pic up too! Share the responsibility...) wanted orange hair and I am game for most things. So we did this:
Which now screams to me to be the perfect symbol of what I am not supposed to do. Put on make up and fake it to make the issues go away. I ain't conforming for anyone, it isn't about being as orange as I can (fun though it sometimes is!) but about being as orange as I am supposed to be. The blonde in strawberry blonde is there for a reason.
Best of both. Like hovis only not bread.
But no! What's happened now? I hear you ask. Is the style growing out, maybe I got a trim or a perm (wow that would not work at all)? I actually think that the shape is doing OK. I may or may not tidy it up when I get back to London but it seems to have lasted alright.
I have simply made an insightful observation based upon pre-existing features.
Before I got the chop and went for the "cut the crap and start again approach" to my hair. I was trying to bring it back to ginge (which, in case you didn't know due to repeated brainwashing of jealous people, is a wonderful colour akin to gold and totally cool) the artificial and "fast-tracked" way. That is through dye. The latest time I tried this, when my roots were already at least an inch long, they used an "organic permanent mix" instead of the usual semi as it would be better for the condition. Organic you say? Bring it on I say. BUT, you know what this means? The bit of root I had that ended up being the bulk of the short drastic 'starting again' haircut was actually dyed.
Which meant that I turned out to be more ginger than I actually am naturally.
Only fractionally, maybe a shade more orange, but it does notice in the right light (now my true true roots are coming through) and the overall effect is subtly but significantly brighter.
And this is where it gets clever see. I have been thinking about how maybe I have been being a bit "too" Christian of late. Like, it started out funny and it still is a lot of the time but I don't want to become someone that is all about generic identity and forgetting the fearfully and wonderfully made part.
Looking for your new identity in Christ can be hard, particularly when there are things in your old identity that are tied in with negative conotations. The temptation is to say these things I knew about me are wrong and I need to "find myself" again but you know what, Jesus has already found me. I once was lost but he left those 99 sheep to look for me and is now rejoicing over me with singing. Along with all the angels. I just need to take out the bits of debris that I picked up in the wilderness.
For example: I talk a lot. I mean a lot. There are good things in this. Some of my friends have really encouraged me with statements such as "I like it 'cause it means I don't have to" and it sure comes in handy with some people some of the time and certain types of in-your-face evangelism. But this verbosity has been a bit of point of tension for me, particularly recently since, delightful character trait though it is, it becomes hard to pretend that being "too much" is always other people's problem. I mean, you seldom hear people say that Russell Brand just isn't understood properly and should be put in charge of more things, do you?! Unless you hear it from me that is... "They just can't handle me" was not something that Paul said about mixing with both the Jews and Gentiles etc. So from this came the temptation to believe, based upon the times that I miss the mark, that I am actually just totally wrong in myself. I sure didn't want to live in denial of things I need to change.
The idea of refinement vs rejection of these qualities got a bit muddled up till I wasn't really sure where the old me and the new me changed over. I know I do get it wrong and have a tendency to sometimes speak compulsively and without due care and attention but I didn't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater and assassinating my whole unique character seemed a bit drastic. Confusing.
But the hair thing helps a lot.
As I see it, I am a hell of a lot closer to natural than platinum blonde was. In all the process of trying to force myself into God's identity for me I just got a bit carried away and over did it. But it is relatively small, it will not last forever and it isn't a bad bad match. In time the ends will become a smaller ratio of dyed to real and then, little by little, get trimmed away. (Mum, could you book me that appointment actually please!)
People that know me of late think I'm a bit off the wall; people that knew me before Switzerland think I have calmed down a lot; people that watched it happen... I don't really know what they think...! But somewhere in the middle of all this is a happy balance and I just need to peace out and let God make it happen. In time. As I wait patiently and don't try and force it 'cause actually that don't work. I am alright. I am not perfect. I am in the best possible hands.
When was in GVA and we did the gig (a prime time for God showing me insecurities I forgot I had) we dressed up in *quite* silly outfits. Both my other band members (which is why I am putting their pic up too! Share the responsibility...) wanted orange hair and I am game for most things. So we did this:
Which now screams to me to be the perfect symbol of what I am not supposed to do. Put on make up and fake it to make the issues go away. I ain't conforming for anyone, it isn't about being as orange as I can (fun though it sometimes is!) but about being as orange as I am supposed to be. The blonde in strawberry blonde is there for a reason.Best of both. Like hovis only not bread.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Live Repentance feat. Analogy
I don't know what to blog about! I have lots of things I could do - both trivial and non - but I don't know which one to choose. I feel like writing about what is most recent given that would be the freshest "off the press" story and some of the others can go on hold easily... But there are even so many recent things to distill.
Had a great morning full of answers to prayer to do with work and hugely augmented faith as a result. Bit of a crash in the middle which I am putting down to Satan being so annoyed at earlier victory but with a great boost from a very well-timed sister! Amazing evening with my girlies which would take a lot of background info but was very inspired and boosting and wonderful... and then there was the drive home.
Not much has happened since I got in the door so I suppose that is the most recent thing.
I have a car. It is a bit of a luxury as a student. Especially given how safe and functional it is! I know I talk about environment and consumerism but I think that this car is OK and, selfishness aside, I will try and justify it. I see it very much as a gift from God and as such try and use it for other people where possible. Not in a "wow I'm holy way" but you know the bible says for those that use their gifts more is given and for those that don't they will be taken away - I figure if I give people lifts I may get my VW camper and if I don't I may have to take the bus. It's a nobrainer! Anyway. I have recently been able to do this a lot. It's cold and dark and there has been a bit of prowler around Brizzle but in that I have been picking up and dropping off girls and, well, I suppose letting God use me to protect them. I love it! So I was thanking him for this tonight when I took my friends home and it led me onto the story of how I got Valerie (the car). Which made me realise in turn some things that I probably needed to repent of! You can be my witnesses.
When I passed my test, back in the summer of '06, I didn't think I'd get a car. Then a friend of a friend was getting rid of their's and offered it my way. Even that was a God thing (not just 'cause they were a Christian) as it really did bless me tons and gave me a sense of freedom and security at a time when I was a bit unsettled and very not free. In honour of the Christianess of the gift I called the car Eli. It was defo a boy and I thought it was a cool name. Well then, a short way into the first term of the next academic year I had a little accident. First POI (point of impetus!): forgive and let go of blame in that - the person who did not indicate, the person who pissed me off before I got in the car, myself for being a numpty. CHECK. I still drove Eli for ages unrepaired, irresponsibly I suppose but the indicator worked - just. I'm sorry for that too - doesn't really show much love does it. When I got home at Christmas, the last day of term in fact (driving on the M25 to be specific) it finally gave up. I get home and I could not go right without waving an arm. Pretty cool stuff that it lasted till then exactly so thanks God!
It was a clear write-off. A car that cost a penny for legalistic ownership sakes was really not worth replacing the whole front and side of. Rubbish. Or not... here's a cunning tip for you kids: if you want a car get one that is cheap and dangerous, put all your brothers and sisters and their spouses in it, go visit the parents, then drive off in the dark with the bonnet making a noise as it scrape along the ground. This happened in the middle of the term and... well... long story short there was an early 21st present waiting for me back home!
The short story long is that they had been so distressed by this scenario that they decided I had to have a new car and it had to be before my birthday (in April) so it would come at Christmas. They chose it carefully and were going to surprise me with it in the new year just before I drove back but seeing my car at a new level of atrocity they ended up telling me straight away. I couldn't get it till the end of the hols 'cause one of the reasons they acted early was so it could first be used by this lovely missionary couple we know that visit England every Christmas back from their project in Uganda.
Well, needless to say I was delighted! Of course they were welcome to the car for now, I was the luckiest girl already. My wheels now had a roll cage! More than than even (important though it is I'm sure) it had a radio controlled lock and CD player!! OK, the crunch time was that it was a Nissan Micra new style... the girliest middle age car ever made and with a weird face at the front. The funny thing about this was that my parents had bought one 6 months prior (which is why they knew it was good) and at the time I had told them not to 'cause I hated them! Lol, that is so them not to remember, how endearing - I was so excited it didn't really matter.
'Cept when there is a though of negativity, even a little bit, there tends to be a build up of frustration in relationships. We say things are OK and push on trying to make it so, telling ourselves that we are bad for feeling, well ingratitude for example. Meanwhile it boils beneath the surface unless you deal with it or it erupts. Forcing loving ain't possible - it needs to come from God or it won't be lasting and for that we need to confess and ask him to help.
I can see you looking shocked that I ever had a problem, even for a minute, with this situation. What can I say - I told you I'm not holy. Spoiled brat comes to mind right...? Well, I agree. I'm all about exposing the past crap and the lies that bring us to that place and you know what, as I told this story to my car full of friends I realised that some of it just never got officially addressed. People at my church talk about "doing business with God" which makes me cringe but it does kinda have a point too. I often find myself saying "I'll do it later" and I realise that sometimes I find it hard to make time and concentrate and bring these things before Him. Well maybe that "another day" attitude is something that we get from Satan trying to stop us dealing with things that we'd benefit "settling up the account" over. So I'm doing it now, live as it were (!) to make sure I don't let that happen.
What happened then? Well Mum and Dad aren't hearing this for the first time - they did eventually bear the fall out of these pent up thoughts. Sorry 'bout that by the way - I'll ring you and do it properly, but sorry. I needed a bit of practise before the motorway trip so I took their Nissan for spin round Sainsbury's car park and it was then that I had a bit of a stress. The thing is Eli (who was a Mazda LX 121) had this really big square back window with visibility to die for (or not!) and I could park easily and see to the left and right and all kinds of good stuff like that. Check him out:
Suddenly a modern car with side bars and rounded design and safely features just didn't do it at all - I could not drive this car. It wasn't right for me; it wasn't 'me'. I panicked, I stressed, I let all the pent up frustrations ever get to me and God wasn't there to dispell that with his love, or heal any insecurities or damages. So I vented. Big time. I've always been a tell-it-like-it-is-girl but I used to be a lot less loving in that and I suppose for all these things I am really sorry too and need to say it - and accept forgiveness too.
At the time though it just came out. That they hadn't checked with me 'cause they wanted to do this for their friends and my input didn't count, they went for a car I told them I didn't like and didn't even care enough to remember that, they didn't actually care about me at all it was just "doing the right thing" and getting rid of potential guilt, their Christian motives came before their parental ones (always a killer for kids of Christians, ask any shrink!), they chose a car they didn't represent me at all - that wasn't anger so much as me being upset that I had to let go of Eli, retro and cool with a red and grey striped interior, boxy shape and tape player on which I listened to all the old Now's; then replace it with a modern girly-but-not-in-a-good-way boring car that made me a grown up before I was ready. I felt like I was missing the window on being a studenty fun cheap car'd chick who could paint patterns and what not. This was it. A few months of that was all I got. A mum-mobile before I was a mum that would last so long I'd be one by then and it would be too late to be cool.
I don't say this 'cause I want to make my folks feel bad. I acknowledge that it was totally not a valid reaction and most people would be shocked that I said this in response to a car given freely and lovingly out of a genuine care for safety and happiness. There was an oversight of not consulting me but it is just as much sweet that they wanted to surprise me and t'was my own "issues" that made this stuff come up, not their mistakes. Deep rooted ones that are put there by the enemy to upset us and drive wedges between people and hide away so we can't identify them. We were talking today about things from when we're young that we then need to deal with as adults. Happens to us all. Which is the point - one lady shared about her friend who had to forgive her mum for neglecting them as kids because she spent all her energies guarding them from an abusive father. It's hardly wrong and the frustrating thing is that were she to have not done that her daughter would be forgiving her for having not guarded them from an abusive father. It seems like a lose-lose situation.
The truth it, pobody is nerfect (I know, I'm sorry). In any relationship (and parents are just the obvious ones 'cause they are so early on and so key) things go wrong 'cause of the fallen human nature. When we grow up, or just move on, we need to take responsibility for this and learn to deal with it by letting God and his love sort out our problems. There was Adam and he brought in the shite but Jesus came to take it back out so really let's get over the inevitable flaws, forgiving ourselves and each other, so we can receive His perfection.
Our relationship with Him is based upon what we have modeled to us and if we can't get past the errors that will inevitably be there we won't be able to have a whole relationship with Him.
The funny thing too is that Valerie just is me now! Even named after a song that reminds me of me ("I miss your ginger hair and the way you like to dress" - what's that you say...? Narcissistic?). I was rebelling and not feeling ready for maturity but I was and it came and now, well, I am loving her and her electric windows and reliability and security and all that jazz. I like being warm when I drive along and having comfortable suspension! I love that God gave me a car and how, right since I got back, it has come in really handy for so many people. I still wouldn't say no a a VW one day but my identity is in Him and not in my transportation. Though I did just use my car as an analogy for my new life so in a way I suppose my identity is in my transportation... Oh it's late, I'm allowed to make no sense! Going back to the analogy briefly: dangerous wreck that nearly got me seriously injured - loving parent gave me a brand new wonderful safe and fitting vehicle that meets my needs and has far more value... Love it!
I love my car. I love my parents. I love my God. I love leaving old identities behind and coming into new ones. I smirk that my last post was about wanting to not be über-Christian but I still write about this before I share cabbage recipes... Oh well. Some things there just ain't no denying... You've such amazing grace :-)
N.B. The last line quotes an 80's power ballad called 'The Power of Love' but I figure noone will get that unnoitified.
Had a great morning full of answers to prayer to do with work and hugely augmented faith as a result. Bit of a crash in the middle which I am putting down to Satan being so annoyed at earlier victory but with a great boost from a very well-timed sister! Amazing evening with my girlies which would take a lot of background info but was very inspired and boosting and wonderful... and then there was the drive home.
Not much has happened since I got in the door so I suppose that is the most recent thing.
I have a car. It is a bit of a luxury as a student. Especially given how safe and functional it is! I know I talk about environment and consumerism but I think that this car is OK and, selfishness aside, I will try and justify it. I see it very much as a gift from God and as such try and use it for other people where possible. Not in a "wow I'm holy way" but you know the bible says for those that use their gifts more is given and for those that don't they will be taken away - I figure if I give people lifts I may get my VW camper and if I don't I may have to take the bus. It's a nobrainer! Anyway. I have recently been able to do this a lot. It's cold and dark and there has been a bit of prowler around Brizzle but in that I have been picking up and dropping off girls and, well, I suppose letting God use me to protect them. I love it! So I was thanking him for this tonight when I took my friends home and it led me onto the story of how I got Valerie (the car). Which made me realise in turn some things that I probably needed to repent of! You can be my witnesses.
When I passed my test, back in the summer of '06, I didn't think I'd get a car. Then a friend of a friend was getting rid of their's and offered it my way. Even that was a God thing (not just 'cause they were a Christian) as it really did bless me tons and gave me a sense of freedom and security at a time when I was a bit unsettled and very not free. In honour of the Christianess of the gift I called the car Eli. It was defo a boy and I thought it was a cool name. Well then, a short way into the first term of the next academic year I had a little accident. First POI (point of impetus!): forgive and let go of blame in that - the person who did not indicate, the person who pissed me off before I got in the car, myself for being a numpty. CHECK. I still drove Eli for ages unrepaired, irresponsibly I suppose but the indicator worked - just. I'm sorry for that too - doesn't really show much love does it. When I got home at Christmas, the last day of term in fact (driving on the M25 to be specific) it finally gave up. I get home and I could not go right without waving an arm. Pretty cool stuff that it lasted till then exactly so thanks God!
It was a clear write-off. A car that cost a penny for legalistic ownership sakes was really not worth replacing the whole front and side of. Rubbish. Or not... here's a cunning tip for you kids: if you want a car get one that is cheap and dangerous, put all your brothers and sisters and their spouses in it, go visit the parents, then drive off in the dark with the bonnet making a noise as it scrape along the ground. This happened in the middle of the term and... well... long story short there was an early 21st present waiting for me back home!
The short story long is that they had been so distressed by this scenario that they decided I had to have a new car and it had to be before my birthday (in April) so it would come at Christmas. They chose it carefully and were going to surprise me with it in the new year just before I drove back but seeing my car at a new level of atrocity they ended up telling me straight away. I couldn't get it till the end of the hols 'cause one of the reasons they acted early was so it could first be used by this lovely missionary couple we know that visit England every Christmas back from their project in Uganda.
Well, needless to say I was delighted! Of course they were welcome to the car for now, I was the luckiest girl already. My wheels now had a roll cage! More than than even (important though it is I'm sure) it had a radio controlled lock and CD player!! OK, the crunch time was that it was a Nissan Micra new style... the girliest middle age car ever made and with a weird face at the front. The funny thing about this was that my parents had bought one 6 months prior (which is why they knew it was good) and at the time I had told them not to 'cause I hated them! Lol, that is so them not to remember, how endearing - I was so excited it didn't really matter.
'Cept when there is a though of negativity, even a little bit, there tends to be a build up of frustration in relationships. We say things are OK and push on trying to make it so, telling ourselves that we are bad for feeling, well ingratitude for example. Meanwhile it boils beneath the surface unless you deal with it or it erupts. Forcing loving ain't possible - it needs to come from God or it won't be lasting and for that we need to confess and ask him to help.
I can see you looking shocked that I ever had a problem, even for a minute, with this situation. What can I say - I told you I'm not holy. Spoiled brat comes to mind right...? Well, I agree. I'm all about exposing the past crap and the lies that bring us to that place and you know what, as I told this story to my car full of friends I realised that some of it just never got officially addressed. People at my church talk about "doing business with God" which makes me cringe but it does kinda have a point too. I often find myself saying "I'll do it later" and I realise that sometimes I find it hard to make time and concentrate and bring these things before Him. Well maybe that "another day" attitude is something that we get from Satan trying to stop us dealing with things that we'd benefit "settling up the account" over. So I'm doing it now, live as it were (!) to make sure I don't let that happen.
What happened then? Well Mum and Dad aren't hearing this for the first time - they did eventually bear the fall out of these pent up thoughts. Sorry 'bout that by the way - I'll ring you and do it properly, but sorry. I needed a bit of practise before the motorway trip so I took their Nissan for spin round Sainsbury's car park and it was then that I had a bit of a stress. The thing is Eli (who was a Mazda LX 121) had this really big square back window with visibility to die for (or not!) and I could park easily and see to the left and right and all kinds of good stuff like that. Check him out:
Suddenly a modern car with side bars and rounded design and safely features just didn't do it at all - I could not drive this car. It wasn't right for me; it wasn't 'me'. I panicked, I stressed, I let all the pent up frustrations ever get to me and God wasn't there to dispell that with his love, or heal any insecurities or damages. So I vented. Big time. I've always been a tell-it-like-it-is-girl but I used to be a lot less loving in that and I suppose for all these things I am really sorry too and need to say it - and accept forgiveness too.
At the time though it just came out. That they hadn't checked with me 'cause they wanted to do this for their friends and my input didn't count, they went for a car I told them I didn't like and didn't even care enough to remember that, they didn't actually care about me at all it was just "doing the right thing" and getting rid of potential guilt, their Christian motives came before their parental ones (always a killer for kids of Christians, ask any shrink!), they chose a car they didn't represent me at all - that wasn't anger so much as me being upset that I had to let go of Eli, retro and cool with a red and grey striped interior, boxy shape and tape player on which I listened to all the old Now's; then replace it with a modern girly-but-not-in-a-good-way boring car that made me a grown up before I was ready. I felt like I was missing the window on being a studenty fun cheap car'd chick who could paint patterns and what not. This was it. A few months of that was all I got. A mum-mobile before I was a mum that would last so long I'd be one by then and it would be too late to be cool.
I don't say this 'cause I want to make my folks feel bad. I acknowledge that it was totally not a valid reaction and most people would be shocked that I said this in response to a car given freely and lovingly out of a genuine care for safety and happiness. There was an oversight of not consulting me but it is just as much sweet that they wanted to surprise me and t'was my own "issues" that made this stuff come up, not their mistakes. Deep rooted ones that are put there by the enemy to upset us and drive wedges between people and hide away so we can't identify them. We were talking today about things from when we're young that we then need to deal with as adults. Happens to us all. Which is the point - one lady shared about her friend who had to forgive her mum for neglecting them as kids because she spent all her energies guarding them from an abusive father. It's hardly wrong and the frustrating thing is that were she to have not done that her daughter would be forgiving her for having not guarded them from an abusive father. It seems like a lose-lose situation.
The truth it, pobody is nerfect (I know, I'm sorry). In any relationship (and parents are just the obvious ones 'cause they are so early on and so key) things go wrong 'cause of the fallen human nature. When we grow up, or just move on, we need to take responsibility for this and learn to deal with it by letting God and his love sort out our problems. There was Adam and he brought in the shite but Jesus came to take it back out so really let's get over the inevitable flaws, forgiving ourselves and each other, so we can receive His perfection.
Our relationship with Him is based upon what we have modeled to us and if we can't get past the errors that will inevitably be there we won't be able to have a whole relationship with Him.
The funny thing too is that Valerie just is me now! Even named after a song that reminds me of me ("I miss your ginger hair and the way you like to dress" - what's that you say...? Narcissistic?). I was rebelling and not feeling ready for maturity but I was and it came and now, well, I am loving her and her electric windows and reliability and security and all that jazz. I like being warm when I drive along and having comfortable suspension! I love that God gave me a car and how, right since I got back, it has come in really handy for so many people. I still wouldn't say no a a VW one day but my identity is in Him and not in my transportation. Though I did just use my car as an analogy for my new life so in a way I suppose my identity is in my transportation... Oh it's late, I'm allowed to make no sense! Going back to the analogy briefly: dangerous wreck that nearly got me seriously injured - loving parent gave me a brand new wonderful safe and fitting vehicle that meets my needs and has far more value... Love it!
I love my car. I love my parents. I love my God. I love leaving old identities behind and coming into new ones. I smirk that my last post was about wanting to not be über-Christian but I still write about this before I share cabbage recipes... Oh well. Some things there just ain't no denying... You've such amazing grace :-)
N.B. The last line quotes an 80's power ballad called 'The Power of Love' but I figure noone will get that unnoitified.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Grace Killers
I was going to write this Monday, then I started another post and got waylaid. Then I was finishing that today when it hit me - if I wrote this first it could be a series...! Don't we all like series?
Anyway. After my questions that originated in the last post I heard a really cool sermon (was going to put a link in to hear it online but it has not been uploaded yet), did some really good chatting with people that cleared up my insecurities some and got a bit of lovely encouragement too, quite unrelated to blog. That was nice. I think maybe, as one person facebooked (as in the verb 'to facebook') me after reading, I have to be able to see the things that are important to keep hold of and let go of the rest. I am trying to put love for others and myself as priority (equally if that is poss), as that is one thing He defo told me (in Paris no less), and hope that it covers all the bases.
I love how stereotypical it is to go to church and get all recharged with what you need to hear; but at the same time it does make sense. I don't mean the whole, go all week without God and get a hit on Sunday to get you through the start of the next week thing, but I do think that fellowship really keeps you battling onwards and as such: yay for mid-week meetings! Anyway, off the point.
The point is, what I got from the sermon made for something cool to share and if I mention it now I can refer back to it in future blogs. T'was about Grace. T'was all good. My fave bit, which I will serialise if I can find examples of all the failings in my own life (shouldn't be too hard!) was the list of grace killers - things that stop you from bring able to "grow" grace in your own life. They are pretty useful so I'll tell you them:
- Traditionalism
- Unrealistic Expectations
- Rules Mentality
- Negativity
- Critical Spirit
- Control Mentality
- Perfectionism
- Competitiveness (oooops!)
- Pettiness
So. They all pretty much jumped out at me but the last one was relevant to the whole 'what to change?' question. As far as pettiness goes, if others are being petty, don't return it with pettiness. If you are holding onto something petty in yourself at the expense of showing love, let it go. That is not me telling you, I'm talking to myself in the third person. Since I wrote last time about identity and what to hold onto, I've found this a pretty helpful reference to know what not to be like.
Oh, something hilarious to share. Well, I thought it was funny. I was talking about hoping to have a small 'party' this week and someone said "I know what a party at Kat(i)e's is going to be like, it'll probably turn into a prayer meeting!" I am not boasting about holiness, I am laughing at the irony of it all. Actually, let's just venture off into praise corner for a minute. They said this last night (Tues) and it was after I had lead the YAGs meeting on 'Praise is a Powerful Weapon'. Which is true and don't forget it and I may well put the notes up here as a way to save writing a post one day. Anyway. Point is, once upon a time (and you may think this is a bad thing) a party at Kat(i)e's would have been far from reputed to turn into a prayer meeting. Now, I want to make it clear that I am super cool and my parties are great fun (even if the last one I had involved scones) but still, talk about a direction change, eh?
So. Lots of things that kill grace. One thing that builds us up. Praise lots, nitpick less.
See you next time for a mention about Unrealistic Expectations; or else something about how I am going to win the blog off if it kills me! (Did you get the joke I made there...?!?)
Anyway. After my questions that originated in the last post I heard a really cool sermon (was going to put a link in to hear it online but it has not been uploaded yet), did some really good chatting with people that cleared up my insecurities some and got a bit of lovely encouragement too, quite unrelated to blog. That was nice. I think maybe, as one person facebooked (as in the verb 'to facebook') me after reading, I have to be able to see the things that are important to keep hold of and let go of the rest. I am trying to put love for others and myself as priority (equally if that is poss), as that is one thing He defo told me (in Paris no less), and hope that it covers all the bases.
I love how stereotypical it is to go to church and get all recharged with what you need to hear; but at the same time it does make sense. I don't mean the whole, go all week without God and get a hit on Sunday to get you through the start of the next week thing, but I do think that fellowship really keeps you battling onwards and as such: yay for mid-week meetings! Anyway, off the point.
The point is, what I got from the sermon made for something cool to share and if I mention it now I can refer back to it in future blogs. T'was about Grace. T'was all good. My fave bit, which I will serialise if I can find examples of all the failings in my own life (shouldn't be too hard!) was the list of grace killers - things that stop you from bring able to "grow" grace in your own life. They are pretty useful so I'll tell you them:
- Traditionalism
- Unrealistic Expectations
- Rules Mentality
- Negativity
- Critical Spirit
- Control Mentality
- Perfectionism
- Competitiveness (oooops!)
- Pettiness
So. They all pretty much jumped out at me but the last one was relevant to the whole 'what to change?' question. As far as pettiness goes, if others are being petty, don't return it with pettiness. If you are holding onto something petty in yourself at the expense of showing love, let it go. That is not me telling you, I'm talking to myself in the third person. Since I wrote last time about identity and what to hold onto, I've found this a pretty helpful reference to know what not to be like.
Oh, something hilarious to share. Well, I thought it was funny. I was talking about hoping to have a small 'party' this week and someone said "I know what a party at Kat(i)e's is going to be like, it'll probably turn into a prayer meeting!" I am not boasting about holiness, I am laughing at the irony of it all. Actually, let's just venture off into praise corner for a minute. They said this last night (Tues) and it was after I had lead the YAGs meeting on 'Praise is a Powerful Weapon'. Which is true and don't forget it and I may well put the notes up here as a way to save writing a post one day. Anyway. Point is, once upon a time (and you may think this is a bad thing) a party at Kat(i)e's would have been far from reputed to turn into a prayer meeting. Now, I want to make it clear that I am super cool and my parties are great fun (even if the last one I had involved scones) but still, talk about a direction change, eh?
So. Lots of things that kill grace. One thing that builds us up. Praise lots, nitpick less.
See you next time for a mention about Unrealistic Expectations; or else something about how I am going to win the blog off if it kills me! (Did you get the joke I made there...?!?)
Saturday, August 9, 2008
If people don't like me they can fuck off... and they do!
For a long time this was my mantra. I lived by it. I wrote it on my Facebook (a sure sign of it's significance). It may even be on my Blogger profile.
Now I don't know.
I have been thinking a lot about where the line is when it comes to changing for other people. This is the major issue that I am dealing with at the moment, having been triggered by various and completely unrelated scenarios and conversations over the last few days.
It is not at all black and white.
I don't like things that are grey. For one thing it suggests uncertainty and that is only bearable for me when it's God imposed (and still frustrating!) and for another, it often requires lots of thinking and processing and organising of those thoughts until I reach a content conclusion.
And I am not quite sure I have ever had to deal (since Jesus) with a question this complex, confusing and potentially upsetting before. Where finding an answer could really affect my outlook and, nay, the need for that answer is quite significant. I can't go through life undecided on this front.
So, having been theoretical and completely vague up till this point, let's have a look see if I can come up with some solid expositions of my dilemma.
Have you ever found something really petty really annoying about other people? I have. Loads of times. I feel bad the amounts I have told people I care about off for eating loudly or blowing thier nose in a funny way. I have also been on the receiving end a fair amount - for example, when I was younger I developed an obsessive sniff that I used to get commented on at school and it also came back in my later teenage years and never really left. This year it has really calmed down to the point that it isn't really a part of my identity anymore, which is really cool. That and other stuffs too (take a moment to, literally, Thank The Lord). These days I am really in the school of thought that tolerance is something that we should show to others and that loving them comes first and foremost, above anything insignificant that they may do to annoy us (Easier said than done: I am a theoriser, not a practical adviser). Isn't it better to deal with frustrations by asking God to help and not to let Satan's little grievances get into out relationships and kill the love (I think one can easily take a secular approach to this and look at trying to be loving to others and just ignore the God/devil bit). So, I am sorry that I ever told you off for stupid habits and I will try and work through it in me instead of expressing it to you when I am pissed off (feel free to hold me accountable too... I will need it). That said, if criticising is something that frustrates me, is that in itself not a rather petty thing? Perhaps I should just take it, so as not to be a hypocrite? [Note: these observations apply to petty habits, not to people that are doing mean shit... then you can have a smackdown.]
The thing is, as I said, I come from a background of receiving criticism over little things which has led me to strongly feel that it is too petty to be worth addressing. Talking with a friend tonight, who is very into personal development, I was opened up to the idea that when someone says something, regardless of how unimportant it seems to you, it is an opportunity to say "I don't want to be the kind of person that does things to annoy you so I will try and change and anyway, it is always good to improve oneself". Interesting approach. I suppose I would probably normally say to myself at the best "I don't like that you just criticised me but I will try and rise above it" or on a tougher day "I don't like that you criticised me and will try and prove to you that it was wrong!". None of those are very love thy neighbour are they... That said, it still does not take into account that people don't have the right to make you feel bad about yourself and one of my biggest grievances with Christianity is the misconstrution that we are to let others walk all over us regardless of how hurtful or just plain in the wrong they are.
But is that misconstrued? Surely turn the other cheek is, basically, just that?
There is a further question to all this. One which goes beyond annoying habits... What if your very personality is one that people around you can't cope with?
This is something i have to deal with on a daily basis!
And there is definitely a not-grey area within which I try to be considerate, at least most of the time. This is one of the main reasons I have given up drinking coffee. And try to, sometimes at least, think before I speak.
But right now I want to draw the line at actively trying to "cure" my condition. This sounds really strange and more than a little confusing but, basically, I am incredibly obtuse at times. And loud and overt and intense. [And, I will concede, absolutely loveable - to some of the people some of the time.] This is all to the point that it is widely assumed (and as yet half-diagnosed) that I have ADHD. (I publish this a day late and since writing have had a total stranger ask me if I was after 5 minutes of conversation.) Which isn't something that I particularly feel comfortable writing on the internet but it explains best what I am getting at and is something I would end up telling almost anyone if it came up in conversation anyway, so isn't a big secret. The point it it's part of me, there are definitely good sides to it, God seems to be showing me ways to help with the negatives but in some ways I could definitely be easier on everyone if I were to take the pills everyday and actually want to be different (which actually, I do sometimes but I rather think that ties in with fluctuating self-esteem issues - that is a whole aside about which came first and could be quite relevant to my answer were I to be able to formulate my thoughts).
I may find out one day that I am not ADHD, which to be honest would be a bit shit because then I have no excuse at all and would have to face my inadequacy at studying without getting any tools or having excuses. Still, the dilemma would stand. How much of me must I change in order that I do have functioning relationships with others? Does the old wives tale that "if your friends want you to be different they don't really care about you and aren't worth it" really stand? And what about "you should only change for yourself, no-one else"?? Am I just being selfish to even want to stay as I am and be accepted for it and foolish to think that maybe people should be challenged on what they expect others to conform to...?
The problem of bad experiences rise again. I have know criticism from people that, after all, probably didn't have my best interests at heart. Ergo, I now want to fight to the death for my right to be who I am. Bang my own drum as it were. Have I let the attacks just cause me to be blind to my faults and defend in an over sensitive manner things that would just make sense to let go of? Or am I just more aware of the question because I have had to give it some proper thought?
My true identity is in Christ and there are lots of ways in which I can justify compromising certain aspects of my verbosity in order to encompass love and compassion and perseverance and what not. But so many of these things don't seem to fit into a camp of 'good-Christian' or 'bad-Christian'. I don't want to change so that I can have friends (I do have some friendships by the way, I am writing more from an aspect of concern for their health and continued existence!), it goes against every bone in my body. Yet, everyone needs friends right? Perhaps even a "significant other" one-day (was at a hen 'do' today and one has to concede at least that perhaps there are some benefits to boyfriends). A blog isn't really enough and if it were to mean functioning relationships in my life is it not a worthwhile sacrifice? We always have to give things up for those we love, I know that. So why not who we are...
When it comes down to it, if everyone does fuck off, would it have been worth holding onto my "identity"?
P.S. I wrote this quite tired and stressed. I had a really good Sunday and will try and do a follow up post tomorrow (that is Mon) to bring in some less self-defacing thoughts and some truly fabulous things that I learnt. Question still stands though, just take the negativity with a pinch of salt.
Now I don't know.
I have been thinking a lot about where the line is when it comes to changing for other people. This is the major issue that I am dealing with at the moment, having been triggered by various and completely unrelated scenarios and conversations over the last few days.
It is not at all black and white.
I don't like things that are grey. For one thing it suggests uncertainty and that is only bearable for me when it's God imposed (and still frustrating!) and for another, it often requires lots of thinking and processing and organising of those thoughts until I reach a content conclusion.
And I am not quite sure I have ever had to deal (since Jesus) with a question this complex, confusing and potentially upsetting before. Where finding an answer could really affect my outlook and, nay, the need for that answer is quite significant. I can't go through life undecided on this front.
So, having been theoretical and completely vague up till this point, let's have a look see if I can come up with some solid expositions of my dilemma.
Have you ever found something really petty really annoying about other people? I have. Loads of times. I feel bad the amounts I have told people I care about off for eating loudly or blowing thier nose in a funny way. I have also been on the receiving end a fair amount - for example, when I was younger I developed an obsessive sniff that I used to get commented on at school and it also came back in my later teenage years and never really left. This year it has really calmed down to the point that it isn't really a part of my identity anymore, which is really cool. That and other stuffs too (take a moment to, literally, Thank The Lord). These days I am really in the school of thought that tolerance is something that we should show to others and that loving them comes first and foremost, above anything insignificant that they may do to annoy us (Easier said than done: I am a theoriser, not a practical adviser). Isn't it better to deal with frustrations by asking God to help and not to let Satan's little grievances get into out relationships and kill the love (I think one can easily take a secular approach to this and look at trying to be loving to others and just ignore the God/devil bit). So, I am sorry that I ever told you off for stupid habits and I will try and work through it in me instead of expressing it to you when I am pissed off (feel free to hold me accountable too... I will need it). That said, if criticising is something that frustrates me, is that in itself not a rather petty thing? Perhaps I should just take it, so as not to be a hypocrite? [Note: these observations apply to petty habits, not to people that are doing mean shit... then you can have a smackdown.]
The thing is, as I said, I come from a background of receiving criticism over little things which has led me to strongly feel that it is too petty to be worth addressing. Talking with a friend tonight, who is very into personal development, I was opened up to the idea that when someone says something, regardless of how unimportant it seems to you, it is an opportunity to say "I don't want to be the kind of person that does things to annoy you so I will try and change and anyway, it is always good to improve oneself". Interesting approach. I suppose I would probably normally say to myself at the best "I don't like that you just criticised me but I will try and rise above it" or on a tougher day "I don't like that you criticised me and will try and prove to you that it was wrong!". None of those are very love thy neighbour are they... That said, it still does not take into account that people don't have the right to make you feel bad about yourself and one of my biggest grievances with Christianity is the misconstrution that we are to let others walk all over us regardless of how hurtful or just plain in the wrong they are.
But is that misconstrued? Surely turn the other cheek is, basically, just that?
There is a further question to all this. One which goes beyond annoying habits... What if your very personality is one that people around you can't cope with?
This is something i have to deal with on a daily basis!
And there is definitely a not-grey area within which I try to be considerate, at least most of the time. This is one of the main reasons I have given up drinking coffee. And try to, sometimes at least, think before I speak.
But right now I want to draw the line at actively trying to "cure" my condition. This sounds really strange and more than a little confusing but, basically, I am incredibly obtuse at times. And loud and overt and intense. [And, I will concede, absolutely loveable - to some of the people some of the time.] This is all to the point that it is widely assumed (and as yet half-diagnosed) that I have ADHD. (I publish this a day late and since writing have had a total stranger ask me if I was after 5 minutes of conversation.) Which isn't something that I particularly feel comfortable writing on the internet but it explains best what I am getting at and is something I would end up telling almost anyone if it came up in conversation anyway, so isn't a big secret. The point it it's part of me, there are definitely good sides to it, God seems to be showing me ways to help with the negatives but in some ways I could definitely be easier on everyone if I were to take the pills everyday and actually want to be different (which actually, I do sometimes but I rather think that ties in with fluctuating self-esteem issues - that is a whole aside about which came first and could be quite relevant to my answer were I to be able to formulate my thoughts).
I may find out one day that I am not ADHD, which to be honest would be a bit shit because then I have no excuse at all and would have to face my inadequacy at studying without getting any tools or having excuses. Still, the dilemma would stand. How much of me must I change in order that I do have functioning relationships with others? Does the old wives tale that "if your friends want you to be different they don't really care about you and aren't worth it" really stand? And what about "you should only change for yourself, no-one else"?? Am I just being selfish to even want to stay as I am and be accepted for it and foolish to think that maybe people should be challenged on what they expect others to conform to...?
The problem of bad experiences rise again. I have know criticism from people that, after all, probably didn't have my best interests at heart. Ergo, I now want to fight to the death for my right to be who I am. Bang my own drum as it were. Have I let the attacks just cause me to be blind to my faults and defend in an over sensitive manner things that would just make sense to let go of? Or am I just more aware of the question because I have had to give it some proper thought?
My true identity is in Christ and there are lots of ways in which I can justify compromising certain aspects of my verbosity in order to encompass love and compassion and perseverance and what not. But so many of these things don't seem to fit into a camp of 'good-Christian' or 'bad-Christian'. I don't want to change so that I can have friends (I do have some friendships by the way, I am writing more from an aspect of concern for their health and continued existence!), it goes against every bone in my body. Yet, everyone needs friends right? Perhaps even a "significant other" one-day (was at a hen 'do' today and one has to concede at least that perhaps there are some benefits to boyfriends). A blog isn't really enough and if it were to mean functioning relationships in my life is it not a worthwhile sacrifice? We always have to give things up for those we love, I know that. So why not who we are...
When it comes down to it, if everyone does fuck off, would it have been worth holding onto my "identity"?
P.S. I wrote this quite tired and stressed. I had a really good Sunday and will try and do a follow up post tomorrow (that is Mon) to bring in some less self-defacing thoughts and some truly fabulous things that I learnt. Question still stands though, just take the negativity with a pinch of salt.
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