If people don't like me they can fuck off... and they do!

For a long time this was my mantra. I lived by it. I wrote it on my Facebook (a sure sign of it's significance). It may even be on my Blogger profile.

Now I don't know.

I have been thinking a lot about where the line is when it comes to changing for other people. This is the major issue that I am dealing with at the moment, having been triggered by various and completely unrelated scenarios and conversations over the last few days.

It is not at all black and white.

I don't like things that are grey. For one thing it suggests uncertainty and that is only bearable for me when it's God imposed (and still frustrating!) and for another, it often requires lots of thinking and processing and organising of those thoughts until I reach a content conclusion.

And I am not quite sure I have ever had to deal (since Jesus) with a question this complex, confusing and potentially upsetting before. Where finding an answer could really affect my outlook and, nay, the need for that answer is quite significant. I can't go through life undecided on this front.

So, having been theoretical and completely vague up till this point, let's have a look see if I can come up with some solid expositions of my dilemma.

Have you ever found something really petty really annoying about other people? I have. Loads of times. I feel bad the amounts I have told people I care about off for eating loudly or blowing thier nose in a funny way. I have also been on the receiving end a fair amount - for example, when I was younger I developed an obsessive sniff that I used to get commented on at school and it also came back in my later teenage years and never really left. This year it has really calmed down to the point that it isn't really a part of my identity anymore, which is really cool. That and other stuffs too (take a moment to, literally, Thank The Lord). These days I am really in the school of thought that tolerance is something that we should show to others and that loving them comes first and foremost, above anything insignificant that they may do to annoy us (Easier said than done: I am a theoriser, not a practical adviser). Isn't it better to deal with frustrations by asking God to help and not to let Satan's little grievances get into out relationships and kill the love (I think one can easily take a secular approach to this and look at trying to be loving to others and just ignore the God/devil bit). So, I am sorry that I ever told you off for stupid habits and I will try and work through it in me instead of expressing it to you when I am pissed off (feel free to hold me accountable too... I will need it). That said, if criticising is something that frustrates me, is that in itself not a rather petty thing? Perhaps I should just take it, so as not to be a hypocrite? [Note: these observations apply to petty habits, not to people that are doing mean shit... then you can have a smackdown.]

The thing is, as I said, I come from a background of receiving criticism over little things which has led me to strongly feel that it is too petty to be worth addressing. Talking with a friend tonight, who is very into personal development, I was opened up to the idea that when someone says something, regardless of how unimportant it seems to you, it is an opportunity to say "I don't want to be the kind of person that does things to annoy you so I will try and change and anyway, it is always good to improve oneself". Interesting approach. I suppose I would probably normally say to myself at the best "I don't like that you just criticised me but I will try and rise above it" or on a tougher day "I don't like that you criticised me and will try and prove to you that it was wrong!". None of those are very love thy neighbour are they... That said, it still does not take into account that people don't have the right to make you feel bad about yourself and one of my biggest grievances with Christianity is the misconstrution that we are to let others walk all over us regardless of how hurtful or just plain in the wrong they are.

But is that misconstrued? Surely turn the other cheek is, basically, just that?

There is a further question to all this. One which goes beyond annoying habits... What if your very personality is one that people around you can't cope with?

This is something i have to deal with on a daily basis!

And there is definitely a not-grey area within which I try to be considerate, at least most of the time. This is one of the main reasons I have given up drinking coffee. And try to, sometimes at least, think before I speak.

But right now I want to draw the line at actively trying to "cure" my condition. This sounds really strange and more than a little confusing but, basically, I am incredibly obtuse at times. And loud and overt and intense. [And, I will concede, absolutely loveable - to some of the people some of the time.] This is all to the point that it is widely assumed (and as yet half-diagnosed) that I have ADHD. (I publish this a day late and since writing have had a total stranger ask me if I was after 5 minutes of conversation.) Which isn't something that I particularly feel comfortable writing on the internet but it explains best what I am getting at and is something I would end up telling almost anyone if it came up in conversation anyway, so isn't a big secret. The point it it's part of me, there are definitely good sides to it, God seems to be showing me ways to help with the negatives but in some ways I could definitely be easier on everyone if I were to take the pills everyday and actually want to be different (which actually, I do sometimes but I rather think that ties in with fluctuating self-esteem issues - that is a whole aside about which came first and could be quite relevant to my answer were I to be able to formulate my thoughts).

I may find out one day that I am not ADHD, which to be honest would be a bit shit because then I have no excuse at all and would have to face my inadequacy at studying without getting any tools or having excuses. Still, the dilemma would stand. How much of me must I change in order that I do have functioning relationships with others? Does the old wives tale that "if your friends want you to be different they don't really care about you and aren't worth it" really stand? And what about "you should only change for yourself, no-one else"?? Am I just being selfish to even want to stay as I am and be accepted for it and foolish to think that maybe people should be challenged on what they expect others to conform to...?

The problem of bad experiences rise again. I have know criticism from people that, after all, probably didn't have my best interests at heart. Ergo, I now want to fight to the death for my right to be who I am. Bang my own drum as it were. Have I let the attacks just cause me to be blind to my faults and defend in an over sensitive manner things that would just make sense to let go of? Or am I just more aware of the question because I have had to give it some proper thought?

My true identity is in Christ and there are lots of ways in which I can justify compromising certain aspects of my verbosity in order to encompass love and compassion and perseverance and what not. But so many of these things don't seem to fit into a camp of 'good-Christian' or 'bad-Christian'. I don't want to change so that I can have friends (I do have some friendships by the way, I am writing more from an aspect of concern for their health and continued existence!), it goes against every bone in my body. Yet, everyone needs friends right? Perhaps even a "significant other" one-day (was at a hen 'do' today and one has to concede at least that perhaps there are some benefits to boyfriends). A blog isn't really enough and if it were to mean functioning relationships in my life is it not a worthwhile sacrifice? We always have to give things up for those we love, I know that. So why not who we are...

When it comes down to it, if everyone does fuck off, would it have been worth holding onto my "identity"?


P.S. I wrote this quite tired and stressed. I had a really good Sunday and will try and do a follow up post tomorrow (that is Mon) to bring in some less self-defacing thoughts and some truly fabulous things that I learnt. Question still stands though, just take the negativity with a pinch of salt.