That was what came on my car radio last night as I came back from Michelle's and I meant to mention it in my blog but I never. So now I have. If this whole God thing really has come together then absolutely anything actually is possible - there was a time I never thought He could be with me and now look: He is and I still can't get over it.
Which is the reason that I am slowly going from being a person who expected things never to work out to someone who is always expecting everything to. Moments of absolute disdain aside (which can take a large chunk out of some of my days, granted) I have been having loads of hope recently. Ridiculous amounts. Raising them stakes good and high. The way I see it, if God is gonna top anything I can conceive of then the best thing for me to do is think BIG. That's a boring game theory model. Think BIG get BIGGER. Think small get Medium. There is no payoff formula is there? I think the answer is "Duh, Supersize me".
So today I did. I dreamed SO big. I planned the next 30 years of my life. There were lots of gaps, don't get me wrong, and I am not saying this all has to happen or else, I just figured "why not get excited by the possibilities?" Some of it is crazy and made up and I won't be really disappointed if becoming Prime Minister doesn't happen (hell, I'm not entirely sure how I would feel about a woman running the country!) and exactly how Eastern Europe comes into it is flexible... but some of it I can see clearly in one shape or another. Like community building in Bristol, being a homemaker (not the same as housewife), working with the homeless, female identity empowerment (not "female empowerment" which sounds a lot like feminism and I don't mean at all), starting a music project that gives opportunity to the deprived and disadvantaged and shares love with the world. I even decided that I probably did need a husband at some point and now have a pretty good feel of what he would need to be up for and capable of!! They're not all bad after all...
So I was kinda stoked about this vision. It clearly isn't going to look exactly like this but I reckon that God is putting some stuff in particular on my heart. And I really do get that if His alternative is to be, say a stay home mum for example, then that would be the better thing.
At the same time I was aware it's important that, in my expecting of great stuff and amazing gifts, how God wants to use me is so not about me. Which is really really hard. I don't know about you but I have this huge imagination which is lots of fun and exciting and enables me to see the "bigger picture" but it also leads me to get carried away with things that are just "cool". The advance autobiography that I wrote for myself would have gotten well loads of credit I swear. I would be everybody's fave prime minister and change the world... whilst also fabulously managing a family of 4/5 and recording several albums. And what with my "childlike" faith that God can do it I am prime candidate for missing the point that He probably shouldn't. I struggle enough with pride (when I'm not struggling with feeling down on myself, obviously) indeed even as I write I am proud that I have recognised this danger in advance! I just can't win...
So I'm sitting at this concert tonight with my sister, contemplating all these important things in my young brain, when God starts stirring a bit more. The gig was amazing. A team of musicians that work with prisoners and ex-prisoners as a rehab type thingy - called changing tunes, check it out. Some of the most powerful songs I have ever heard, particularly one that just spelled out in incredible "The Streets" style this really gritty gripping reality of the unhealthy complicated status between men and women. It all just added to the realisation that music is an amazing tool with the capacity to change lives and bring light. Hurrah! Inspiring much? Coincidence? I knew that I wanted to work with homeless people and "disadvantaged" youth 'cause that's where I have been "moved" and where my albeit limited experiences lie, so the prison work was a really cool overlap but with plenty of scope to bring it to others.
'Cause of course that is my priority. Tapping a new market. Helping people that have no other options. Really making a BIG difference. Being something incredible that makes people go wow and gives a warm fuzzy glow at the *number* of lives changed. Getting my M.B.E.
So I have to laugh when at the interval one of the musicians gets up and talks about this new project that has been set up in the kinda funky-but-really-quite-dodge part of town where there is already a huge vision for change and love revolution. A vision I already feel both excited by and jealous of. The project described ticks in every way what I had just decided to call my life works.
I can't help it. I feel like I missed the window, not been there from the start. Now I'm trying to carve out a special role for me in The Kingdom but really I mean in The World 'cause that is the place that my accolade would be coming from. I arrived back in England to see the beginning of a radical church movement in Bristol, a revolution underway; and though I'd been praying and excited and certain of it happening before I got here I was kinda annoyed that no-one waited. There have been people praying for decades but I had claims on the particular power of mine and where is the recognition? No-one even knows I exist.
So what is this post about? Well, I figure seeing as I don't get to be a "founder" of the self-harmony (it even has a cool name) thing and will no doubt have to be a "worker" instead then the least I could do is put it somewhere in writing that I thought of it too... independently of them!
Lol. I figure this is kinda how we are, right? People. Crap. Yet not. But still so. It's funny, sometimes if I'm really quiet I think I can hear my sinful nature fighting with the Holy Spirit as though they were sitting on my shoulders.
I know, I always have I think since I resigned myself to Christ, that it isn't about me. That community is the best thing and that as I allow it to become important and the love takes over then I will believe in it increasingly, till one day I know it wholeheartedly in every circumstance. Just it sucks when you want to be a pop star! Or anything else.
We see it everywhere you know, taking ownership. Even in the church. Duh, particularly. Even when it is about what God is doing people love to be able to claim that He is doing it just for them, because of what they have been doing and how they have been seeking. Even when it is a community it is a limited community, just you and your friends. Even when it is the Christian world as a whole we forget that it isn't just for us but for EVERYONE and get comfy and superior.
So what will I do? Write my plan in pencil I suppose. Go where He wants. Trust that the timing isn't a fudge and that I will be put in the right place even if that place is somewhere really small - which presumably it will be when my humility is still so small. I think that humility and importance are directly proportional you know. He only lifts people up that don't care - which is why I'm trying so hard not to!
One thing I read that is really helpful for me in my motivations lately (I can spend a long time over-analysing things and getting very confused about what is actually going on in my heart) is something Paul wrote. It's funny, I used to really hate that guy but he does say some good shit:
I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself.
Which makes sense given how fickle and complicated we are.
So I will carry on dreaming and believing and seeking and petitioning what is on my heart to the best of my own understanding but there really is very little point in me trying to figure it all out, what with the constant internal battle. If God didn't put it in me then it won't last long, what with the victory having been won. I just have to let Him carry on changing me.
It does suck though. At the moment it still sucks... but I am a work in progress and the masterpiece is yet to be reveal...!
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Early Morning Retract (that lacks symmetric syntax)
I've gone really afraid and despondent. No real reason to share except that I would feel a hypocrite to go to bed with the last post being the last thing I said, now all this fear and apathy and worry is looming in.
Like I say, not really achieving anything in this post except a statement of fact. But I suppose 'tis the way with high points, the only way on is down. Classic "fact before feeling" theology must apply and I reckon I can acknowledge the emotional rollercoaster effect combined with fatigue and choose to draw a line, go to bed (actually do it this time) and "hope" (not the same hope as before but perhaps derivative thereof) that tomorrow things will work out. For now anyway.
Funny how quick that can happen... Meh.
Like I say, not really achieving anything in this post except a statement of fact. But I suppose 'tis the way with high points, the only way on is down. Classic "fact before feeling" theology must apply and I reckon I can acknowledge the emotional rollercoaster effect combined with fatigue and choose to draw a line, go to bed (actually do it this time) and "hope" (not the same hope as before but perhaps derivative thereof) that tomorrow things will work out. For now anyway.
Funny how quick that can happen... Meh.
Late Night Delight
I HAVE to be quick.
The most amazing day. Not even going to go into details as I will just get caught up and it will stop being a "quickie" but WOW! Really feel like what God is saying to me is that of all the things that are crazy and big and huge and wonderful and inconceivable awesome that I am seeking, He has even better stuff. Like you think my imagination is wild, what about His?! I know that there is always the "caveat" of 'but His will be done' but seriously, all that capacity, who doesn't want His will to be done?!
Still. I am praying pretty hardcore about some specific issues in my life, not least "the essay" and seeing great results that are actually more promising that I ever conceived. (Duh! But still, cool that He said it then straight away did it!) E.g. My plan is Shit Hot and basically has HUGE potential to be a fantastic collaboration of ideas and creative thinking (also potential to flop majorly but doesn't everything big and exciting? Who wants to play it safe, especially with God on your side...?!). Shit Hot isn't verbatim but I could see it in my tutor's eyes...
Talked far too much today about life in general and, though I had a great meeting and further thinking and writing stemmed, my bulk of time was spent with people catching up etc. The promise (like in that poem I posted, brilliant much?) is still much in potentia with graft in the near, but so far avoided, future. That will have to stop. Not least because my voice (which really hates me right now) is in need of rehab.
BUT it is pretty neat that there is this verse that totally says what I feel God is saying. Always good to have it in the bible too:
"When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.
The most amazing day. Not even going to go into details as I will just get caught up and it will stop being a "quickie" but WOW! Really feel like what God is saying to me is that of all the things that are crazy and big and huge and wonderful and inconceivable awesome that I am seeking, He has even better stuff. Like you think my imagination is wild, what about His?! I know that there is always the "caveat" of 'but His will be done' but seriously, all that capacity, who doesn't want His will to be done?!
Still. I am praying pretty hardcore about some specific issues in my life, not least "the essay" and seeing great results that are actually more promising that I ever conceived. (Duh! But still, cool that He said it then straight away did it!) E.g. My plan is Shit Hot and basically has HUGE potential to be a fantastic collaboration of ideas and creative thinking (also potential to flop majorly but doesn't everything big and exciting? Who wants to play it safe, especially with God on your side...?!). Shit Hot isn't verbatim but I could see it in my tutor's eyes...
Talked far too much today about life in general and, though I had a great meeting and further thinking and writing stemmed, my bulk of time was spent with people catching up etc. The promise (like in that poem I posted, brilliant much?) is still much in potentia with graft in the near, but so far avoided, future. That will have to stop. Not least because my voice (which really hates me right now) is in need of rehab.
BUT it is pretty neat that there is this verse that totally says what I feel God is saying. Always good to have it in the bible too:
"When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.
Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:14-21
I located it using biblegateway.com, or google for Christians as I now know it (I have my sis to thank for that one!), then reread it at Mich's tonight in her NLT. Which I had forgotten how amazing it was (what with losing my version really sadly near the start of last term :-( ). The wording just grabbed me. Particularly the bit about "infinite resources" (one of the things I mentioned a few posts back about humanity not really being finite and couldn't find a well phrased verse on resources) and then the "infinitely more that we might ask or think" 'cause it is the maths AND the message. [Aside: NIV mentions hope which is cool too. Boy, this whole versions thing is clearly going to start confusing me!] Plus 'tis just a wonderfully phrased passage, I think I need to get a new one of these. Also, aside from the end which is the premise I based my search on, is the whole bit above about being rooted in God's love which is just totally the ongoing message both in general and specifically to me right now.
Anywho. Bed is SO the main objective. I get really frustrated by how much is going on that I am thinking and learning and experiencing, yet at a point where there is no time to write about it. Always the way. I suppose it is partly procrastination temptation though - there are always things happening but there aren't always things to avoid!
Oooh ooooh! I also found out really suddenly, before I was even caring or searching at all, what I shall be doing next year. How good is that?! All I need to do is get there...!
N'night x
Friday, January 30, 2009
xkcd 2 - He's like the terminator except with love
Not like the usual offering of this fabulous website but quite lovely.
http://xkcd.com/104/
Don'tcha think the picture looks like Jesus?
http://xkcd.com/104/
Don'tcha think the picture looks like Jesus?
Thursday, January 29, 2009
I will not blog, I will not blog, I will not blog
Oh OK, just a lil one.
I'm being quite good with working, like I stayed in the library till 830 pm today! But I am going rather slowly and I didn't get much reading done... more thinking and doodling and trying to form ideas amidst the clouds. I'm telling myself it's an integral part of the process.
Plus it's all I can do. I have a meeting tomorrow at 10am and it is yet to be shown whether all I can do is enough... so call me naïve but I'm taking the loaves and fishes approach. I am almost certain that I can't get this degree. I mean, I started a new course today (everyone else started Monday but I sorta forgot) and I didn't have a clue about any of the prerequisites. Likewise I went into Phil of Maths with no idea of what logic actually is (I don't mean by regular definitions, though that too) and this morning I suddenly found myself trying to split the "hypøplane"...?! Whatever. My point is, this is going to be a hard crowd to impress. My profs may not be 5,000 hungry Jewish men plus women and kids but they are pretty expectatious.
So I figure that I will simply have to not be good enough. 'Tis all. I'll do my small piece in faith and let God multiply it up to be something amazing.
The slightly concerning thing is that if it turns out God doesn't want to give me a degree based upon my faith in Him, I will have to be OK with that. Though I don't suppose He will let me take more testing than I can bear it would still be nice to do well. So I'm holding out for Zephaniah 3. "Honour and praise where I was put to shame". I know I can't just claim any passage in the bible for my own at a given moment but wouldn't it be cool if it was part of the purposes that God is working out now... Actually, maybe I can claim it as a promise?! Flag that!
Either way, I don't think there is anything else I can actually do. So as I relocate from Chaplaincy to Library to Starbs every few hours, in order that I don't get bored, let's hope my teeny tiny offer mixed in with all the sidetracking will be worth something.
Oh and I got a letter through from ENT - first appointment on the 10th Feb! Funtimes. Maybe I will be "singing and shouting aloud" sooner than I though... if He does manage to first "quite me with His love" :o)
I'm being quite good with working, like I stayed in the library till 830 pm today! But I am going rather slowly and I didn't get much reading done... more thinking and doodling and trying to form ideas amidst the clouds. I'm telling myself it's an integral part of the process.
Plus it's all I can do. I have a meeting tomorrow at 10am and it is yet to be shown whether all I can do is enough... so call me naïve but I'm taking the loaves and fishes approach. I am almost certain that I can't get this degree. I mean, I started a new course today (everyone else started Monday but I sorta forgot) and I didn't have a clue about any of the prerequisites. Likewise I went into Phil of Maths with no idea of what logic actually is (I don't mean by regular definitions, though that too) and this morning I suddenly found myself trying to split the "hypøplane"...?! Whatever. My point is, this is going to be a hard crowd to impress. My profs may not be 5,000 hungry Jewish men plus women and kids but they are pretty expectatious.
So I figure that I will simply have to not be good enough. 'Tis all. I'll do my small piece in faith and let God multiply it up to be something amazing.
The slightly concerning thing is that if it turns out God doesn't want to give me a degree based upon my faith in Him, I will have to be OK with that. Though I don't suppose He will let me take more testing than I can bear it would still be nice to do well. So I'm holding out for Zephaniah 3. "Honour and praise where I was put to shame". I know I can't just claim any passage in the bible for my own at a given moment but wouldn't it be cool if it was part of the purposes that God is working out now... Actually, maybe I can claim it as a promise?! Flag that!
Either way, I don't think there is anything else I can actually do. So as I relocate from Chaplaincy to Library to Starbs every few hours, in order that I don't get bored, let's hope my teeny tiny offer mixed in with all the sidetracking will be worth something.
Oh and I got a letter through from ENT - first appointment on the 10th Feb! Funtimes. Maybe I will be "singing and shouting aloud" sooner than I though... if He does manage to first "quite me with His love" :o)
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Unnatural Hope in the face of Utter Horror
My Facebook status.
My life.
Just a comment about the reading I was doing today for the previously mentioned paper (in which my thinking is majorly affected by the Bible but it's hard to express that convincingly when writing about Philosophy of Maths... see a few posts ago...). A book called 'Beyond the limits of thought', the first line of which was:
"Finitude is a basic fact of human existence."
We are going to have some problems.
The dude (his name is Priest, ironically) goes on to give the examples of human endurance, resources or even life itself. I really am not feeling eye to eye on this. What with God and all - who is later given as an example of something beyond the limit of our thought (quite a debate there among these learned people as to whether or not He is; if only I could bring 1 Corinthians 2:9-10 into it.)
Then it hit me, just now, that this is exactly where I am at. My "status" is hope in horror. The horror being the deadline, the limitation (in endurance, resources and time). The hope being that I can go beyond the limitations; that I am subject to neither deadline nor death; that finitude is a myth and while things are beyond understanding they are also completely within my grasp by His spirit. A paradox explained, but only outside the realm of earthly "logic" (which is in fact my conclusion). My work is like my spiritual journey - the two being about the same thing as I rely on the impossible to be able to discuss the inconcievable in a way that is unimaginable yet fully comprehensible. Ummmm.
Reading 1 Corinthians 2 as part of my not-very-routine bible routine has once again proved completely relevant to what I am doing - even when what I am doing is maths homework. It has been a good day with lots of work (subjective view point granted) and some great God moments and, you'll never believe it, but I'm listening to Positive songs on my ipod now. Oh yes! The joy is coming back.
Incase you weren't already resigned, the next week or so will probably have a lot of crazy sounding maths that may or may not also claim to be spiritual. Sorry about that, but I'm gonna be pretty one tracked...
Oh, and one other cool thing. My old pastor from GVA sent round an email to anyone on the worship mailing list that said:
"Don't forget God is working His purpose out!!"
Really bloody handy that was, totally the sort of thing I need to hear. A little thrown by the randomness of it... till it came to light that that was the name of a hymn they are doing on Sunday! Still, good to know.
Hmmmmm. Feeling rather confident. Maybe it's the peace that passes understanding... Best go get something done this eve though. I have 2 ish hours, let's bend time!
My life.
Just a comment about the reading I was doing today for the previously mentioned paper (in which my thinking is majorly affected by the Bible but it's hard to express that convincingly when writing about Philosophy of Maths... see a few posts ago...). A book called 'Beyond the limits of thought', the first line of which was:
"Finitude is a basic fact of human existence."
We are going to have some problems.
The dude (his name is Priest, ironically) goes on to give the examples of human endurance, resources or even life itself. I really am not feeling eye to eye on this. What with God and all - who is later given as an example of something beyond the limit of our thought (quite a debate there among these learned people as to whether or not He is; if only I could bring 1 Corinthians 2:9-10 into it.)
Then it hit me, just now, that this is exactly where I am at. My "status" is hope in horror. The horror being the deadline, the limitation (in endurance, resources and time). The hope being that I can go beyond the limitations; that I am subject to neither deadline nor death; that finitude is a myth and while things are beyond understanding they are also completely within my grasp by His spirit. A paradox explained, but only outside the realm of earthly "logic" (which is in fact my conclusion). My work is like my spiritual journey - the two being about the same thing as I rely on the impossible to be able to discuss the inconcievable in a way that is unimaginable yet fully comprehensible. Ummmm.
Reading 1 Corinthians 2 as part of my not-very-routine bible routine has once again proved completely relevant to what I am doing - even when what I am doing is maths homework. It has been a good day with lots of work (subjective view point granted) and some great God moments and, you'll never believe it, but I'm listening to Positive songs on my ipod now. Oh yes! The joy is coming back.
Incase you weren't already resigned, the next week or so will probably have a lot of crazy sounding maths that may or may not also claim to be spiritual. Sorry about that, but I'm gonna be pretty one tracked...
Oh, and one other cool thing. My old pastor from GVA sent round an email to anyone on the worship mailing list that said:
"Don't forget God is working His purpose out!!"
Really bloody handy that was, totally the sort of thing I need to hear. A little thrown by the randomness of it... till it came to light that that was the name of a hymn they are doing on Sunday! Still, good to know.
Hmmmmm. Feeling rather confident. Maybe it's the peace that passes understanding... Best go get something done this eve though. I have 2 ish hours, let's bend time!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
hopeactually
Essay is not really any further along what with having had to postpone French work a whole week till yesterday evening. Today has been one of slowly waking up to the world following lots of presentation pressure, only to be submersed again tomorrow in a land of distraction, study and imminence.
Miss Spitfire came over to see me at the weekend, much to my delight. And indeed salvation, I would not have been able to survive if it were not for her... Really wakened me up to my inbuilt issues with self-reliance, that visit did. I got over it enough to submit, albeit legalistically at times, to God but to surrender myself to the support of others has been *quite* uncomfortable. I can talk all day about community and interdependence and how God provides for me through people but when the shadows creep in, the computer crashes an hour before or the mind is just not even pretending to cope anymore one tends to "forget" how to put the words into action. Needing help made me downright angry, allowing it to happen just felt like absolute crap.
Yet I need to get over that I know it. So, vulnerability rears it's not actually ugly just not "conventionally accepted" head and reminds me of my fallibility. Who am I to try and cope alone anyway? Even Jesus didn't do that.
Godwise? Lots of thinking, even *some* clarity coming there. Issues being raise up, semi-answers sort of fall into place... now is no time to try and talk about that as I have a week and a half to go before I can justify the deep expounding of anything in a non-mathematical area (and even then it would probably be a bit of a long shot). I think am the best I've been since the very start of the year (where if you recall I was actually feeling excellent till it all fell apart literally overnight) and reckon, perhaps, that all the "of the world" trials have helped me to draw near to God in reliance - like a teenager that is angry at their parent but really needs a lift to the pub. Sort of.
'Cause what I have been doing is getting increasingly angry, mostly at Him, and yesterday that really culminated like some kind of inflamed pustule. I pretty much decided that I was fed up of the life I was being subjected to, the constant battle it seems to be to get anything done or to see any progress and how really I was just not up for it anymore... so I popped. My new red glasses have an interesting and even newer shape that testifies to this fact. The strange thing was that as I expressed this I knew, deep down, that it would be OK and that actually God did know what I could bear, He would get me through it and I was going to be OK nay perhaps even better off. Not actually a good feeling I have you know, very much like a teacher that has this "I know best" look and you don't want it to be true but it just is.
Thing is, I can't shake the hope. Despite the fear I have always had this hope and, as God became a consistent feature in my life, it became more and more fulfilled. Nay, turned into faith a little, perhaps. Sometimes you want to indulge in the misery of it all but really, deep down, there is this hope. And, as I shake pain from the past, the hope flows even freer (sp?).
Just, sometimes I don't like the process through which I mush keep hoping. I've heard some pretty cool prophecies for this year and, in all honesty, for me right now one of the most spot on ones is a passing comment I myself made on New Year's Day - when me and two friends had an amazing "improv" pray sesh. One girl said '2008 was great' (which is true! :-)) and I followed almost immediately with '2009 - refine'. Dang it, I seem to have spoken that into being!
But I just "know", somehow, that God is getting me ready for something or other and is doing stuff in me that I may be up to the task. I feel broken shattered and bruised but that is, yet again, a good place for God's strength to be made complete and for my dependency on Him to be renewed. This verse in Job 23:9-10 that I just "got" really sums it up:
"When he is at work in the north, I do not see him; when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him
But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold."
So, ummmm, yeah. Not actually looking forward at all to the next few weeks... but the next few years may just rock out; if I can only get through the fire.
And learning to rely on other people is sure to help. Mummy is coming to look after me next week which is utterly wonderful, welcome and necessary, though I don't envy at all what she will go through! I am just so grateful that there are people who care enough to take me in my unrefined state; I know I won't make it to shiny without being held up in the process...
Miss Spitfire came over to see me at the weekend, much to my delight. And indeed salvation, I would not have been able to survive if it were not for her... Really wakened me up to my inbuilt issues with self-reliance, that visit did. I got over it enough to submit, albeit legalistically at times, to God but to surrender myself to the support of others has been *quite* uncomfortable. I can talk all day about community and interdependence and how God provides for me through people but when the shadows creep in, the computer crashes an hour before or the mind is just not even pretending to cope anymore one tends to "forget" how to put the words into action. Needing help made me downright angry, allowing it to happen just felt like absolute crap.
Yet I need to get over that I know it. So, vulnerability rears it's not actually ugly just not "conventionally accepted" head and reminds me of my fallibility. Who am I to try and cope alone anyway? Even Jesus didn't do that.
Godwise? Lots of thinking, even *some* clarity coming there. Issues being raise up, semi-answers sort of fall into place... now is no time to try and talk about that as I have a week and a half to go before I can justify the deep expounding of anything in a non-mathematical area (and even then it would probably be a bit of a long shot). I think am the best I've been since the very start of the year (where if you recall I was actually feeling excellent till it all fell apart literally overnight) and reckon, perhaps, that all the "of the world" trials have helped me to draw near to God in reliance - like a teenager that is angry at their parent but really needs a lift to the pub. Sort of.
'Cause what I have been doing is getting increasingly angry, mostly at Him, and yesterday that really culminated like some kind of inflamed pustule. I pretty much decided that I was fed up of the life I was being subjected to, the constant battle it seems to be to get anything done or to see any progress and how really I was just not up for it anymore... so I popped. My new red glasses have an interesting and even newer shape that testifies to this fact. The strange thing was that as I expressed this I knew, deep down, that it would be OK and that actually God did know what I could bear, He would get me through it and I was going to be OK nay perhaps even better off. Not actually a good feeling I have you know, very much like a teacher that has this "I know best" look and you don't want it to be true but it just is.
Thing is, I can't shake the hope. Despite the fear I have always had this hope and, as God became a consistent feature in my life, it became more and more fulfilled. Nay, turned into faith a little, perhaps. Sometimes you want to indulge in the misery of it all but really, deep down, there is this hope. And, as I shake pain from the past, the hope flows even freer (sp?).
Just, sometimes I don't like the process through which I mush keep hoping. I've heard some pretty cool prophecies for this year and, in all honesty, for me right now one of the most spot on ones is a passing comment I myself made on New Year's Day - when me and two friends had an amazing "improv" pray sesh. One girl said '2008 was great' (which is true! :-)) and I followed almost immediately with '2009 - refine'. Dang it, I seem to have spoken that into being!
But I just "know", somehow, that God is getting me ready for something or other and is doing stuff in me that I may be up to the task. I feel broken shattered and bruised but that is, yet again, a good place for God's strength to be made complete and for my dependency on Him to be renewed. This verse in Job 23:9-10 that I just "got" really sums it up:
"When he is at work in the north, I do not see him; when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him
But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold."
So, ummmm, yeah. Not actually looking forward at all to the next few weeks... but the next few years may just rock out; if I can only get through the fire.
And learning to rely on other people is sure to help. Mummy is coming to look after me next week which is utterly wonderful, welcome and necessary, though I don't envy at all what she will go through! I am just so grateful that there are people who care enough to take me in my unrefined state; I know I won't make it to shiny without being held up in the process...
Thursday, January 22, 2009
War of Intuition: A Platonistic, Non-Foundational Approach to Maths
So I have a title (for my big nasty essay). It's far too pretentious to keep but I like it for now. My thought is that maths as we know it is just a shadow of the truth, that we can use different and overlapping theories (pluralities, sets etc) as analogies but that we can never fully get the right picture and that is because the truth is outside of our "set" or "language" and so we cannot fully comprehend. Like with Plato and his good old shadows of Forms or, I don't know, say Paul and his poor reflections.
Analogies, allegories, parables... they all seem to serve a good purpose. It's kinda the way of the world and not just a communication tool. Maybe it's just me "seeing" semblances of truth in everything I do and the stretching it to a contentious metaphor but it seems that everywhere there are signs of something else, something bigger: hair cuts, Disney songs, a moment with a friend, a great picture, a poem, a cool proof, a new political appointment (OK I am a bit Obama-happy right now!), a mundane task or a speed limit on the motorway. We can see some great truth in a million different tiny things and it's like some kind of set hierarchy when the little extends to the big. Or a fractal where it just keeps getting reiterated larger and larger but always the same basic form. Or when, maybe you glimpse eternity 'cause of a perfect shopping trip or well-timed doctors appointment. All these things are made of something bigger.
Now. All I have to do is express this without relying on the bible to backup what I say. More to the point, I have to rely on stuff that is far more complicated and bizarre (which is saying something) and show some kind of pretense that I know what any of that jazz is about, without talking too much about Cheerios or saying "well, Duh, it's obvious...". Which is hard 'cause that seems to be all that the proper Philosophers do.
But I do have a temporary title, which is sort-of progress.
Analogies, allegories, parables... they all seem to serve a good purpose. It's kinda the way of the world and not just a communication tool. Maybe it's just me "seeing" semblances of truth in everything I do and the stretching it to a contentious metaphor but it seems that everywhere there are signs of something else, something bigger: hair cuts, Disney songs, a moment with a friend, a great picture, a poem, a cool proof, a new political appointment (OK I am a bit Obama-happy right now!), a mundane task or a speed limit on the motorway. We can see some great truth in a million different tiny things and it's like some kind of set hierarchy when the little extends to the big. Or a fractal where it just keeps getting reiterated larger and larger but always the same basic form. Or when, maybe you glimpse eternity 'cause of a perfect shopping trip or well-timed doctors appointment. All these things are made of something bigger.
Now. All I have to do is express this without relying on the bible to backup what I say. More to the point, I have to rely on stuff that is far more complicated and bizarre (which is saying something) and show some kind of pretense that I know what any of that jazz is about, without talking too much about Cheerios or saying "well, Duh, it's obvious...". Which is hard 'cause that seems to be all that the proper Philosophers do.
But I do have a temporary title, which is sort-of progress.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Hot Topic
This news article has created quite a stir in the UK. Here is but one example and here is another though you may need to sign into Facebook to see it (for mum and dad, it is a countering group that says there is a God so stop worrying and have fun).
Now. Almost all my friends in Bristol are outraged, the Methodists are optimistic and, as is a recent theme, I am pretty apathetic. But I'm going to put out there some of my pre-blues views and try and see objectively just how I feel about it. It's a long shot I know but I wouldn't mind your opinion either...
I think it is stupid 'cause it is scientifically bogus. Any sensible logician can see that opening this can of worms as an issue of "probability" brings up all kinds of questions, not least semantic, and that certainly one must question the legitimacy of trying to rationalise or mathematically assess such a claim. By definition God is bigger than our intellects and lies outside of our comprehesive logic (duh, miracles) so probability doesn't come into it. You can't prove something unproveable so the game just doesn't apply. He comes from the powerset of the world as we know it so is a whole set level above (if you want to talk maths let's do it properly). It makes the atheists look stupid.
There is an argument is that young impressionable people would read it and accept it. If only that were true. There is a lot more spending power behind the church and if we could get a whole load of signs up that say "God loves you so much but He's a gentleman so He's waiting for you to invite Him in" on the side of buses then does that mean we'd see a revival? Maybe?! It would be pretty sweet...!
Thing is, I think there is legitimacy behind the reasoning that atheism, requiring the step of faith that it does to so avidly believe in nothing, is a faith group and as such has the same freedom to express views that "we" do.
There is also a claim of arrogancy. Now, a few hundred people facebook group (I don't actually dis what they're doing I just would have phrased it differently) isn't a lot but the statement there IS a God seems a lot more arrogant than a foolishly laid down, not-fully committed conversation stirrer (and by the way I think the Methodists are right. It's publicity isn't it? Any publicity is good publicity, just ask Paul). To go one step further, the Alpha course (which again I think is really cool actually) says things like "Is this it?" and "What am I doing here" which could be construed as condescending to anyone that finds themselves to be perfectly content with life. "Well, actually, you're not. You need more purpose..."
The thing about it that is most stupid, in my opinion and as the counter-group rightly says, is that [if] God does exist then we can stop worrying and enjoy life to the full. "Fun" being such a subjective word. That is why these signs are so bogus. They don't listen to any of the irrefutable claims (irrefutable in that they are undeniably premises of Christianity) that are true (by definition or 'a priori') about the consequence of the existence of God... No, instead they look at the demonstrations they have around them.
Which is why we (Christians) cannot get outraged: because the world saw us when they looked around them. We are the reason that this statement made it onto the buses and didn't scream ridiculous. No one knows by what they see in us that worrying and being boring are not symptoms of God. If we were living under those promises then no matter what a person thought about God's existence, they would never accept these posters are even close to being legitimate. Richard Dawkins would get laughed at. Back in the good old days of Acts people wanted to get close to the early followers of The Way because they liked what they saw. No-one could accuse them of being wet. READ. Highly regarded. People were scared to join then, nevertheless they were added to daily.
Christianity is a laughing stock, pathetic or at best a vaguely interesting personal choice right now in England. The guy that stood up for his beliefs to not drive that bus went back on the condition that he "would only have to do so if there were no others available". WTF. Talk about pushover. These people back then were respected. The fear of what it would mean with the Romans was not enough to keep the people away. That defied logic - how could they not dare to join yet still come in? The TRUTH of what was being taught was and is more powerful that whatever was/is preventing them - be it angry Roman soldiers, strict Jewish rabbi's, snide post-Christendom taunting or post-Enlightened independence.
What people need is a posteriori logic, that is they need to experience what it means for God to be real to someone and then use that observed evidence to determine truth. Unfulfilled claims are worse than empty, they are dangerous. That's why Satan likes them.
Luckily, though, despite all our failings God is still huge and totally in control and The Truth is still The Truth and the Spirit still here. So that is another reason not to fret about them silly buses... 'cause it really isn't a very big deal in the grand scheme of things and is certainly not the end of the story. Richard Dawkins has missed a really vital key in his quest to kill "religion" (let's use the word for sake of communication, I don't mean that old legalistic crap) - he doesn't realise that it is immortal and he isn't. Yet.
I rather think good old Professor D may have even more currency in the conversion stakes than our lovely Russelly B. Get prayin'.
Lol. My nice, objective surmise. I can still rustle up the ole' passion when required it seems. ;-)
Now. Almost all my friends in Bristol are outraged, the Methodists are optimistic and, as is a recent theme, I am pretty apathetic. But I'm going to put out there some of my pre-blues views and try and see objectively just how I feel about it. It's a long shot I know but I wouldn't mind your opinion either...
I think it is stupid 'cause it is scientifically bogus. Any sensible logician can see that opening this can of worms as an issue of "probability" brings up all kinds of questions, not least semantic, and that certainly one must question the legitimacy of trying to rationalise or mathematically assess such a claim. By definition God is bigger than our intellects and lies outside of our comprehesive logic (duh, miracles) so probability doesn't come into it. You can't prove something unproveable so the game just doesn't apply. He comes from the powerset of the world as we know it so is a whole set level above (if you want to talk maths let's do it properly). It makes the atheists look stupid.
There is an argument is that young impressionable people would read it and accept it. If only that were true. There is a lot more spending power behind the church and if we could get a whole load of signs up that say "God loves you so much but He's a gentleman so He's waiting for you to invite Him in" on the side of buses then does that mean we'd see a revival? Maybe?! It would be pretty sweet...!
Thing is, I think there is legitimacy behind the reasoning that atheism, requiring the step of faith that it does to so avidly believe in nothing, is a faith group and as such has the same freedom to express views that "we" do.
There is also a claim of arrogancy. Now, a few hundred people facebook group (I don't actually dis what they're doing I just would have phrased it differently) isn't a lot but the statement there IS a God seems a lot more arrogant than a foolishly laid down, not-fully committed conversation stirrer (and by the way I think the Methodists are right. It's publicity isn't it? Any publicity is good publicity, just ask Paul). To go one step further, the Alpha course (which again I think is really cool actually) says things like "Is this it?" and "What am I doing here" which could be construed as condescending to anyone that finds themselves to be perfectly content with life. "Well, actually, you're not. You need more purpose..."
The thing about it that is most stupid, in my opinion and as the counter-group rightly says, is that [if] God does exist then we can stop worrying and enjoy life to the full. "Fun" being such a subjective word. That is why these signs are so bogus. They don't listen to any of the irrefutable claims (irrefutable in that they are undeniably premises of Christianity) that are true (by definition or 'a priori') about the consequence of the existence of God... No, instead they look at the demonstrations they have around them.
Which is why we (Christians) cannot get outraged: because the world saw us when they looked around them. We are the reason that this statement made it onto the buses and didn't scream ridiculous. No one knows by what they see in us that worrying and being boring are not symptoms of God. If we were living under those promises then no matter what a person thought about God's existence, they would never accept these posters are even close to being legitimate. Richard Dawkins would get laughed at. Back in the good old days of Acts people wanted to get close to the early followers of The Way because they liked what they saw. No-one could accuse them of being wet. READ. Highly regarded. People were scared to join then, nevertheless they were added to daily.
Christianity is a laughing stock, pathetic or at best a vaguely interesting personal choice right now in England. The guy that stood up for his beliefs to not drive that bus went back on the condition that he "would only have to do so if there were no others available". WTF. Talk about pushover. These people back then were respected. The fear of what it would mean with the Romans was not enough to keep the people away. That defied logic - how could they not dare to join yet still come in? The TRUTH of what was being taught was and is more powerful that whatever was/is preventing them - be it angry Roman soldiers, strict Jewish rabbi's, snide post-Christendom taunting or post-Enlightened independence.
What people need is a posteriori logic, that is they need to experience what it means for God to be real to someone and then use that observed evidence to determine truth. Unfulfilled claims are worse than empty, they are dangerous. That's why Satan likes them.
Luckily, though, despite all our failings God is still huge and totally in control and The Truth is still The Truth and the Spirit still here. So that is another reason not to fret about them silly buses... 'cause it really isn't a very big deal in the grand scheme of things and is certainly not the end of the story. Richard Dawkins has missed a really vital key in his quest to kill "religion" (let's use the word for sake of communication, I don't mean that old legalistic crap) - he doesn't realise that it is immortal and he isn't. Yet.
I rather think good old Professor D may have even more currency in the conversion stakes than our lovely Russelly B. Get prayin'.
Lol. My nice, objective surmise. I can still rustle up the ole' passion when required it seems. ;-)
Speechless, Sightless... Helpless?
I've not got a lot to say.
I also have limited capacity for actual speech given that my voice is dying. It's been ongoing for an incredibly long time and I haven't quite known what to do about - torn between waiting for it to mend and expecting it to sort itself out as time went by (particularly having quit smoking) so best keep exercising the muscle... the latter being by far the more tempting! Last week a very nice doctor put a camera up my nose and down my throat and as I lived out an episode of House (excepting the fact that he was a very nice doctor) he showed me the nodules that are forming on my vocal chords.
Which is a bit of a bummer. Not least 'cause I sing and love it (and want to be in a band just soon as I can) but also 'cause it does actually get in the way of socialising. Rather a lot. In fact, as I look back I realise how much I have been ploughing on regardless and ending up worn out and in pain... it's not the smokey atmosphere (which no longer exists in the UK) and alcohol (which I don't drink that much of actually :-O) that mean I wake up dry and hoarse but rather my compulsive "need" to talk. So that is going to have to change. We hope.
I have been referred for speech therapy which could take an indefinite amount of time to start and so I look ahead with trepidation: in part excited to be one day free to sing without feeling terribly bad very quickly and that maybe I can get back to a place where going out for a drink with friends is not daunting to the point of avoidable (maybe that is why I feel so old and boring?!); but also in part wary at the hard work it's going to involve to recover and aware of how much I must change. Which isn't in and of itself a bad thing as I have been working towards that a while (whilst not really knowing what it will look like when I get there)... but still, medical condition to force it to happen seems a bit extreme. Though not necessarily bad and I am incredibly grateful for my diagnosis, the care, the hope and the timing of everything as it sure beats not knowing and getting no help.
And what in the mean time? Well, last night I went to the pub for the last forseeable time. I can't hack talking over people like that (no, not my friends, just the background noise). Which again, given my degree needs, is probably no bad thing.
On the topic of which... I haven't got a hope in hell of completion or coming even close. My presentation was delayed a week 'cause I was "struggling" and the essay due in 2 weeks and 2 days looks ominous. Then there are the exams and other deadline in April and yet more in June. All the old attentive and mood dilemmas are arising and I feel *quite* pathetic. I literally cannot see all the way to the end and me still being alive. I have no vision at all.
Luckily though, my hope isn't in hell actually and, though I am still incredibly uncertain of what is going on in my spiritual life (a tale for another time) I know once again that if it hasn't all been a figment of my attention-seeking, eratic, desperate imagination then I am going to be OK. 'Cause there are about a million and one promises buried in that bible (none of which I have the energy to locate right now) that tell me so...
Hmmmmm. This place also seems a bit extreme, even if it is to facilitate me moving deeper with God. Though again, not neccesarily bad. Now I await various diagnoses that can potentially get me help here too... I just wish they could put a camera up my nose and into my brain to tell them what's going on.
God is faithful even when we are faithless. Apparently.
I also have limited capacity for actual speech given that my voice is dying. It's been ongoing for an incredibly long time and I haven't quite known what to do about - torn between waiting for it to mend and expecting it to sort itself out as time went by (particularly having quit smoking) so best keep exercising the muscle... the latter being by far the more tempting! Last week a very nice doctor put a camera up my nose and down my throat and as I lived out an episode of House (excepting the fact that he was a very nice doctor) he showed me the nodules that are forming on my vocal chords.
Which is a bit of a bummer. Not least 'cause I sing and love it (and want to be in a band just soon as I can) but also 'cause it does actually get in the way of socialising. Rather a lot. In fact, as I look back I realise how much I have been ploughing on regardless and ending up worn out and in pain... it's not the smokey atmosphere (which no longer exists in the UK) and alcohol (which I don't drink that much of actually :-O) that mean I wake up dry and hoarse but rather my compulsive "need" to talk. So that is going to have to change. We hope.
I have been referred for speech therapy which could take an indefinite amount of time to start and so I look ahead with trepidation: in part excited to be one day free to sing without feeling terribly bad very quickly and that maybe I can get back to a place where going out for a drink with friends is not daunting to the point of avoidable (maybe that is why I feel so old and boring?!); but also in part wary at the hard work it's going to involve to recover and aware of how much I must change. Which isn't in and of itself a bad thing as I have been working towards that a while (whilst not really knowing what it will look like when I get there)... but still, medical condition to force it to happen seems a bit extreme. Though not necessarily bad and I am incredibly grateful for my diagnosis, the care, the hope and the timing of everything as it sure beats not knowing and getting no help.
And what in the mean time? Well, last night I went to the pub for the last forseeable time. I can't hack talking over people like that (no, not my friends, just the background noise). Which again, given my degree needs, is probably no bad thing.
On the topic of which... I haven't got a hope in hell of completion or coming even close. My presentation was delayed a week 'cause I was "struggling" and the essay due in 2 weeks and 2 days looks ominous. Then there are the exams and other deadline in April and yet more in June. All the old attentive and mood dilemmas are arising and I feel *quite* pathetic. I literally cannot see all the way to the end and me still being alive. I have no vision at all.
Luckily though, my hope isn't in hell actually and, though I am still incredibly uncertain of what is going on in my spiritual life (a tale for another time) I know once again that if it hasn't all been a figment of my attention-seeking, eratic, desperate imagination then I am going to be OK. 'Cause there are about a million and one promises buried in that bible (none of which I have the energy to locate right now) that tell me so...
Hmmmmm. This place also seems a bit extreme, even if it is to facilitate me moving deeper with God. Though again, not neccesarily bad. Now I await various diagnoses that can potentially get me help here too... I just wish they could put a camera up my nose and into my brain to tell them what's going on.
God is faithful even when we are faithless. Apparently.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
xkcd 1
There is this really great comic website full of sarcasm and maths that I am half into, having close friends and family that are fully obsessed and me with my vague appreciation but lack of attention. I like to skim them occasionally when I remember and I tend to remember when I have other things I ought to be doing (like the French presentation due tomorrow that I've not finished planning in English and haven't actually got much use of vocal chords for... but that's another story). This one just grabbed me and since blogging is another procrastination weapon in my artillery I figured I'd put the two together in one crazy degree-annihilating foul swoop. Enjoy:
http://xkcd.com/381/
Told you it was good :-)
http://xkcd.com/381/
Told you it was good :-)
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Clearer Vision
There has been so much learning going on this "season". It's cool but it sure isn't conducive to writing snappy thought-out posts. Which is, clearly, what BGB is all about. Hmmm, what I have I been doing in my regular life then, if faith is too much to discuss...
I bought new glasses! It took me 2.5 hours to choose them which was terrible and I wanted to die and there were about 4 staff members trying to help me pick them out till they all got fed up. I finally found my second pair (it was buy one get one free) when a women started getting unopened stock out for me to see - what with me having tried everything on the shop floor.
But, after much patience and waiting, wanting things to be right and them not being, stressing and feeling terrible for stressing other people, pretending I was nearly there when I wasn't and very very almost compromising... I got the poifick pair. Really really good. (I actually got 3 in the end: red like when I was small, black funky-secretary style and a really cheap granny round pair from the really cheap granny round range.) I tried and tried to make it happen but in the end I simply had to be rescued by something that was totally out of my control. Even praying was not bringing a direct result and I was terrified I would keep stalemating till I freaked out; yet eventually I loved what I came away with and they could not be better.
Maybe there is something in that. At a time when all my anger, pain and bitterness towards past friends, not-so-friends, God, you name it suddenly hit me (just when I thought it had all gone) and seemed to totally overwhelm my "walk", I got a little message whilst at church to do with the Exodus. Particularly this bit. My Egyptians, whatever, whoever they are, are riding over the distant sand dune and gaining on me. Nowhere to run to. No more forcing it I have nothing left to give, I am trapped by the red sea and desperate. Yet, I am being promised deliverance. When there is no hope and no way out there is light at the end of the tunnel (or perhaps damp sand at the bottom of a miraculous passageway). Dude it even follows the baby analogy of a few posts ago (teehee, deliverance you get it?).
I really can't force this. I have to stop. I may look like I am walking in sin and messing up and being unrighteous and everything but there is no use in having a faith that is grounded in work and obligation. I can't possibly do this. I have tried everything and nothing is right and now I am waiting for the answer that cannot be picked off a shelf and chosen by me to suit - he is going to have to hand me the perfect fit. Which is cool because that is the verse that comes next. I am not fighting this one, regardless of what Timothy says. 'Tis not for me actually Haggai, I am on a different page.
Once again I have started on the mundane and gone on to stretch a ridiculous analogy. I don't care, I like it.
Night x
I bought new glasses! It took me 2.5 hours to choose them which was terrible and I wanted to die and there were about 4 staff members trying to help me pick them out till they all got fed up. I finally found my second pair (it was buy one get one free) when a women started getting unopened stock out for me to see - what with me having tried everything on the shop floor.
But, after much patience and waiting, wanting things to be right and them not being, stressing and feeling terrible for stressing other people, pretending I was nearly there when I wasn't and very very almost compromising... I got the poifick pair. Really really good. (I actually got 3 in the end: red like when I was small, black funky-secretary style and a really cheap granny round pair from the really cheap granny round range.) I tried and tried to make it happen but in the end I simply had to be rescued by something that was totally out of my control. Even praying was not bringing a direct result and I was terrified I would keep stalemating till I freaked out; yet eventually I loved what I came away with and they could not be better.
Maybe there is something in that. At a time when all my anger, pain and bitterness towards past friends, not-so-friends, God, you name it suddenly hit me (just when I thought it had all gone) and seemed to totally overwhelm my "walk", I got a little message whilst at church to do with the Exodus. Particularly this bit. My Egyptians, whatever, whoever they are, are riding over the distant sand dune and gaining on me. Nowhere to run to. No more forcing it I have nothing left to give, I am trapped by the red sea and desperate. Yet, I am being promised deliverance. When there is no hope and no way out there is light at the end of the tunnel (or perhaps damp sand at the bottom of a miraculous passageway). Dude it even follows the baby analogy of a few posts ago (teehee, deliverance you get it?).
I really can't force this. I have to stop. I may look like I am walking in sin and messing up and being unrighteous and everything but there is no use in having a faith that is grounded in work and obligation. I can't possibly do this. I have tried everything and nothing is right and now I am waiting for the answer that cannot be picked off a shelf and chosen by me to suit - he is going to have to hand me the perfect fit. Which is cool because that is the verse that comes next. I am not fighting this one, regardless of what Timothy says. 'Tis not for me actually Haggai, I am on a different page.
Once again I have started on the mundane and gone on to stretch a ridiculous analogy. I don't care, I like it.
Night x
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
An Old Irish Blessing with a New Jewish Twist
OK so I probably already texted this to anyone I thought cared but I'm still sharing 'cause it's an easy post and makes me smile. That ole' classic blessing turned up today on a bookmark that my dear mother snuck into my green coat pocket and it was so fabulously, irresistably incorporable with a particularly wonderful imagerial encouragement I received recently from a reader (lol) that this arose quite naturally:
May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields,
And until we meet again
May God hold you... in the palm of his big hairy Jewish hand.
May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields,
And until we meet again
May God hold you... in the palm of his big hairy Jewish hand.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Russell Brand’s autobiography is my new bible
I’m not saying I won’t read the original one (bible that is). It’s just, right now, I am more motivated with that ole Booky Wook.
Well, no wonder you’ve lost your faith I hear you cry.
Whatever. I’ve decided that seeking is an attitude of heart and not some kind of perverse discipline.
[Here may be a good time to note that I am desperately trying to catch up with the past few days and have barely gotten things down here without moving on and discovering more but I'm going to try and give a bit of a journey and not skip straight to the most recent.]
One time, say last February, I was too depressed to read my bible or do anything really and I was reading Russell then too (it takes me a long time to finish books due to concentration problems) whereupon God spoke to me through the line "If celebrity hynotist Paul McKenna can't help me then who can?".
So I figure, it could happen again… and I rather think it might be.
Now I can’t be sure that I never meant any of my passion before. As Russell says quite aptly:
“My zeal was potent, as is often the case with the newly converted in any faith.”
Who knows, perhaps I too am just disgruntled by the lack of immediacy for my cause (though I rather doubt it since this didn’t come after a dry period by actually quite the opposite).
However, whether I did or not and whether it was real (which is what I am doubting right now) or not, I am definitely not feeling the love at the moment.
I’ve been told by tons of people I know a surprising amount of stuff for a newbie. Like the bible and that and just the idea that it is all about Jesus, simply looking to and becoming more like him and that everything else will follow. It’s true. Objectively. I’m not a statistician by trade but my sample group has been sufficiently large and diverse, even my dad noticed the other day! I don’t know how this has happened, I have quite a good memory I suppose and who knows, maybe God played a part too.
So, with all this behind me I have been playing the game very very well. Kidding everyone, perhaps even me (though I may have been in denial).
And one of the main keys I realised pretty quick is: SUBMISSION.
I never got why people struggled with it. I am very much an all or nothing at all girl and the few times that I have found it tricky I still manage to say I want to want to and it all worked out cool. I prouded myself (you know there’s a problem when pride is involved) on the fact that I was surrendered in every area of my life. “Force me to be free” was my prayer (for those of you that don’t know Rousseau I will explain this some time) and it was seemingly working, even if I had to repeat it several times a day. I don’t mean that I was perfect but I really thought that I was, theoretically at least, open with it all… an act of will maybe but it only takes our will and then God’s power comes in and makes all things possible. (Imagine a caveat at this point.)
The thing I’ve realised now though is that I have been living a legalistic life. I haven’t submitted ‘cause I really love God and want to follow everything He says but because by doing so I know that I will be best off. Selfish designs to succeed in everything I do. I am one for getting “it” right and so The Way and The Truth and The Life spells out to me exactly what I have been looking for. Always a bit of a control freak (as well as a perfectionist) I carried these traits through with me... I think it is rather ironic that I was trying to keep a handle on life by giving up control to a being that is omni-everything.
Hence getting stuck into evangelism; striving to be pure in everything; buying/living green and ethically in all that I can. Stopping at every homeless person I meet, at all times living as an example to non-Christian friends etc etc. I don’t mean I always did it right but I sure always felt the call.
It was all like one really big fast, striving for perfection and constantly sacrificing things. And in the same way that when married couples refrain from sex for too long and they end up giving in, I have stopped being able to work at it.
Life is not meant to be always fasting, I worked that out here. I’ve been working for a place of intimacy and relationship, telling myself that if I form the habit of love I will inhabit the form of it. Which isn't a bad concept in itself about needing to choose to change but when applied willy nilly can have disastrous effects. I knew all about grace in my head but not on my heart.
So no longer.
I hadn't quite worked all this out on Monday morning as I set off home; and I was still pretty sleepy from the late night drafting my last blog, not to mention pissed off. So that day I embraced the fact that I no longer wanted to try. Nothing too risky, but here are some of the boundaries I pushed then and over the following day or so:
Drinking coffee when I wasn't in a good place (lol, it's bad trust me!)
Buying non fairtrade chocolate (peanut butter chunky kitkats are Good)
Speeding along the motorway (it is pure legalism to not I realise)
Shopping in Tesco. More specifically actually buying a jumper there and all kinds of things wrapped in plastic and of dubious source.
I also realised an area I may not have submitted (being open to conviction about swearing) but didn't give a shit by that point
Thinking unloving things and not being afraid to allow it
Watching TV, namely catching up on EastEnders, all day long
It's not a fully encompassing list.
Note that I am still not a fan of Cosmo magazine.
I hadn't really thought it through much, other than that I was not prepared to do it anymore. So I wouldn't. You know what? I enjoyed it. All of it.
Do I feel different now to how I was before all the God happened, or have I been reset? That question was open for a day or so. I suppose what it is really asking is much deeper about the nature of the change that you go through when your spirit is reborn. I know that after the initial anger and disregard I don't hate myself hardly at all. Indeed I am pretty empowered in ways that I haven't been recently to get myself together. And I'm not sure that is a bad thing.
In fact. There seems to be some pretty good things coming out of this. Not unlike the advice I got from EVERYONE that has been motivationally writing/talking to me! I suppose I am slightly more inclined to God now than I was a couple of days ago. I'm not actually sure I had a faith issue so much as a methodology issue. I was surprised by how much (granted apathetic) expectation I had for it to be resolved in the end. I just don't care much, 'tis all.
This piece of writing has come out a bit backwards (given I started this morning and ended on last Monday) but overall progress is forwards. I reckon I am discovering good lessons and really having bad things gotten rid of. The thought I had on Tuesday that my ability to trust had gone and I needed something akin to a mini rerevelation is over. I have enough in the memory bank to know God is there.
And if he wants me to do things right now let him convict me, for sure, but I ain't living a life that is a constant mission of my own. This burden is light, come on Kat(i)e let's apply some of the head knowledge.
Does that sound bad? Good thing I still don't care. There is more to come but this is hard to organise in my mind and I am more than ready for bed (note: this has been written over the course of about a day and a half, started thurs am and actually finally published fri eve). So to bed I will go...
Oh and, er, just for a POI and it may mean nothing as people are only now coming into post-Christmas routine, but my hits have gone WAY up since I started writing about this. Well who’d have thought… struggles are more interesting, I’ll bear that in mind ;-)
Well, no wonder you’ve lost your faith I hear you cry.
Whatever. I’ve decided that seeking is an attitude of heart and not some kind of perverse discipline.
[Here may be a good time to note that I am desperately trying to catch up with the past few days and have barely gotten things down here without moving on and discovering more but I'm going to try and give a bit of a journey and not skip straight to the most recent.]
One time, say last February, I was too depressed to read my bible or do anything really and I was reading Russell then too (it takes me a long time to finish books due to concentration problems) whereupon God spoke to me through the line "If celebrity hynotist Paul McKenna can't help me then who can?".
So I figure, it could happen again… and I rather think it might be.
Now I can’t be sure that I never meant any of my passion before. As Russell says quite aptly:
“My zeal was potent, as is often the case with the newly converted in any faith.”
Who knows, perhaps I too am just disgruntled by the lack of immediacy for my cause (though I rather doubt it since this didn’t come after a dry period by actually quite the opposite).
However, whether I did or not and whether it was real (which is what I am doubting right now) or not, I am definitely not feeling the love at the moment.
I’ve been told by tons of people I know a surprising amount of stuff for a newbie. Like the bible and that and just the idea that it is all about Jesus, simply looking to and becoming more like him and that everything else will follow. It’s true. Objectively. I’m not a statistician by trade but my sample group has been sufficiently large and diverse, even my dad noticed the other day! I don’t know how this has happened, I have quite a good memory I suppose and who knows, maybe God played a part too.
So, with all this behind me I have been playing the game very very well. Kidding everyone, perhaps even me (though I may have been in denial).
And one of the main keys I realised pretty quick is: SUBMISSION.
I never got why people struggled with it. I am very much an all or nothing at all girl and the few times that I have found it tricky I still manage to say I want to want to and it all worked out cool. I prouded myself (you know there’s a problem when pride is involved) on the fact that I was surrendered in every area of my life. “Force me to be free” was my prayer (for those of you that don’t know Rousseau I will explain this some time) and it was seemingly working, even if I had to repeat it several times a day. I don’t mean that I was perfect but I really thought that I was, theoretically at least, open with it all… an act of will maybe but it only takes our will and then God’s power comes in and makes all things possible. (Imagine a caveat at this point.)
The thing I’ve realised now though is that I have been living a legalistic life. I haven’t submitted ‘cause I really love God and want to follow everything He says but because by doing so I know that I will be best off. Selfish designs to succeed in everything I do. I am one for getting “it” right and so The Way and The Truth and The Life spells out to me exactly what I have been looking for. Always a bit of a control freak (as well as a perfectionist) I carried these traits through with me... I think it is rather ironic that I was trying to keep a handle on life by giving up control to a being that is omni-everything.
Hence getting stuck into evangelism; striving to be pure in everything; buying/living green and ethically in all that I can. Stopping at every homeless person I meet, at all times living as an example to non-Christian friends etc etc. I don’t mean I always did it right but I sure always felt the call.
It was all like one really big fast, striving for perfection and constantly sacrificing things. And in the same way that when married couples refrain from sex for too long and they end up giving in, I have stopped being able to work at it.
Life is not meant to be always fasting, I worked that out here. I’ve been working for a place of intimacy and relationship, telling myself that if I form the habit of love I will inhabit the form of it. Which isn't a bad concept in itself about needing to choose to change but when applied willy nilly can have disastrous effects. I knew all about grace in my head but not on my heart.
So no longer.
I hadn't quite worked all this out on Monday morning as I set off home; and I was still pretty sleepy from the late night drafting my last blog, not to mention pissed off. So that day I embraced the fact that I no longer wanted to try. Nothing too risky, but here are some of the boundaries I pushed then and over the following day or so:
Drinking coffee when I wasn't in a good place (lol, it's bad trust me!)
Buying non fairtrade chocolate (peanut butter chunky kitkats are Good)
Speeding along the motorway (it is pure legalism to not I realise)
Shopping in Tesco. More specifically actually buying a jumper there and all kinds of things wrapped in plastic and of dubious source.
I also realised an area I may not have submitted (being open to conviction about swearing) but didn't give a shit by that point
Thinking unloving things and not being afraid to allow it
Watching TV, namely catching up on EastEnders, all day long
It's not a fully encompassing list.
Note that I am still not a fan of Cosmo magazine.
I hadn't really thought it through much, other than that I was not prepared to do it anymore. So I wouldn't. You know what? I enjoyed it. All of it.
Do I feel different now to how I was before all the God happened, or have I been reset? That question was open for a day or so. I suppose what it is really asking is much deeper about the nature of the change that you go through when your spirit is reborn. I know that after the initial anger and disregard I don't hate myself hardly at all. Indeed I am pretty empowered in ways that I haven't been recently to get myself together. And I'm not sure that is a bad thing.
In fact. There seems to be some pretty good things coming out of this. Not unlike the advice I got from EVERYONE that has been motivationally writing/talking to me! I suppose I am slightly more inclined to God now than I was a couple of days ago. I'm not actually sure I had a faith issue so much as a methodology issue. I was surprised by how much (granted apathetic) expectation I had for it to be resolved in the end. I just don't care much, 'tis all.
This piece of writing has come out a bit backwards (given I started this morning and ended on last Monday) but overall progress is forwards. I reckon I am discovering good lessons and really having bad things gotten rid of. The thought I had on Tuesday that my ability to trust had gone and I needed something akin to a mini rerevelation is over. I have enough in the memory bank to know God is there.
And if he wants me to do things right now let him convict me, for sure, but I ain't living a life that is a constant mission of my own. This burden is light, come on Kat(i)e let's apply some of the head knowledge.
Does that sound bad? Good thing I still don't care. There is more to come but this is hard to organise in my mind and I am more than ready for bed (note: this has been written over the course of about a day and a half, started thurs am and actually finally published fri eve). So to bed I will go...
Oh and, er, just for a POI and it may mean nothing as people are only now coming into post-Christmas routine, but my hits have gone WAY up since I started writing about this. Well who’d have thought… struggles are more interesting, I’ll bear that in mind ;-)
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Backtrack
I’m blogging ‘cause I want to. Deal with it. The paper evolved to something more exciting and more manageable which is now on hold because I am having a personal crisis, so I am back. For the time being anyway.
I went on a Christian conference and stopped believing. Worse than that, I went on an Evangelism incentivating weekend and stopped loving others.
We are talking genuinely not caring about unreached people groups.
I wish I could tell you I’m better now but I can’t. I can tell you how I feel about it all though.
Like I’ve lost everything.
I draft this on a Sunday night. On Saturday I felt aflame. I had some wicked bad chats with people I care about over Christmas. Thought I was getting really excited about God’s work in my life and in how he uses/is going to use me. Even at the start of the conference I was like 'ooooh I’m getting encouragement and guidance and lovin’ all this surrender'.
Then in the blink of an eye it was gone. I was in shock. Confused. Crying a lot and just realising that the whole thing was made up. Back in March my best friend stopped being my friend when I first discovered God and said I was always bound to “‘cause I was so miserable all the time.” Oh my goodness 'they have a point' I could suddenly see. In the midst of this I have to go out and do street evangelism which either was a huge success ‘cause God wants to show he can use me in my weakness or out of some irony that it is still about how bloody good I am at approaching randoms and “fulfilling my commission”.
As I realised more and more how I just don’t care like I should about these video clips we are seeing, I must have one by one broken down in front of everyone from my “team”. Great. Now I’m attention seeking.
Later we had a Christian rock band (lol) come and do a gig and all I wanted to do was dance and love it but all I could think was “my bubble has burst and now it is over”. The worst it’s ever been since the start. I eventually ended up talking to my dear friend Grace (so glad of her name!) and the situation came down to thus: I can’t possibly just start believing again by choice ‘cause it will be fake, like I was always afraid it was and had (I thought) worked through the first time. It could be Satan backlashing to good stuff, for example how the evening before I felt I had loads of direction to write a column for the regular student paper (pray if you believe) particularly in this verse, but I can’t assume that either. The joke was that Satan lying to me is the less of two evils (the greater being that it is definitely not real, obviously).
Somehow though, I came to a bit of a point where I could, almost bizarrely, have some semblance of hope. Wrapped in irony and cynicism I concluded that there was a chance this could all be part of God working amazingly in me as a response to certain areas I have been praying about. Particularly given a friend prophesied over me in November that God would drop in really deep foundations of The Word, Hope, Faith and Love that would be incredibly painful ‘cause he wanted to do it quickly so that I was “ready” soon. The first three I have had sort of confirmation over (not that they are finished, obviously, it is always a work in progress) but I was (and still am) battling with the love (not never having it but like it was not consistent to or from me and still had a long way to go, I may explain at greater length another time). It is the greatest of these after all. Last term was not easy but it was not unbearable… and then this weekend the pain started to hit. Wow. The very opposite of love became so true for me.
So when Grace said she felt like God was doing something really deep (which I took with huge amounts of ‘yeah buts’) I shared that other prophecy and she got all excited ‘cause she said that when her sister had a baby recently she wanted it to be quick and the midwife told her it would be much more painful if it was and she just had to not resist the pain and go with it. Grace is certain that’s a word for me – that for this to happen I just need to let it hurt and see the fruit that comes straight after.
What do I think? I dunno, that I have nothing to lose I ‘spose. It’s either gonna be even better than before all this, or the worst thing ever, and both answers require simply waiting. Sure I’ll let it hurt, be it from sheer surrender or because I am too miserable about my life being over to care. Time will tell.
The funny funny thing is that since I got this decision I’ve started being less upset and more cynical. I am now doubting my doubt and think it is me trying to find something exciting in the fact that I am nearly a whole 8 months old and seeing the reality of life instead of the holiday. Yet I can’t make it happen now, even if I am subconsciously faking the pain.
So I’m just waiting for deliverance – ba dum ch. I will still keep some semblance of 'The Life' up of course, not sure how much... I just hope that God’s scale of quick is one that I can relate to. Until then, everything will just have to come with caveats. For example: God is so amazing isn’t he? Or else not at all real that is.
Wouldn’t it be strange if my blog turned non-Christian half way? I wonder what that would do to my hits?
Seriously, a post-script as I publish. I figure either I was totally wrong about all what has happened thus far and am at the brink of it going horribly wrong; or that God is Sovereign and can bring me back 'cause he is faithful even when we aren't. Apparently. There hopes to be a sequel as another day has brought development of sorts but my bed is calling me for now...
I went on a Christian conference and stopped believing. Worse than that, I went on an Evangelism incentivating weekend and stopped loving others.
We are talking genuinely not caring about unreached people groups.
I wish I could tell you I’m better now but I can’t. I can tell you how I feel about it all though.
Like I’ve lost everything.
I draft this on a Sunday night. On Saturday I felt aflame. I had some wicked bad chats with people I care about over Christmas. Thought I was getting really excited about God’s work in my life and in how he uses/is going to use me. Even at the start of the conference I was like 'ooooh I’m getting encouragement and guidance and lovin’ all this surrender'.
Then in the blink of an eye it was gone. I was in shock. Confused. Crying a lot and just realising that the whole thing was made up. Back in March my best friend stopped being my friend when I first discovered God and said I was always bound to “‘cause I was so miserable all the time.” Oh my goodness 'they have a point' I could suddenly see. In the midst of this I have to go out and do street evangelism which either was a huge success ‘cause God wants to show he can use me in my weakness or out of some irony that it is still about how bloody good I am at approaching randoms and “fulfilling my commission”.
As I realised more and more how I just don’t care like I should about these video clips we are seeing, I must have one by one broken down in front of everyone from my “team”. Great. Now I’m attention seeking.
Later we had a Christian rock band (lol) come and do a gig and all I wanted to do was dance and love it but all I could think was “my bubble has burst and now it is over”. The worst it’s ever been since the start. I eventually ended up talking to my dear friend Grace (so glad of her name!) and the situation came down to thus: I can’t possibly just start believing again by choice ‘cause it will be fake, like I was always afraid it was and had (I thought) worked through the first time. It could be Satan backlashing to good stuff, for example how the evening before I felt I had loads of direction to write a column for the regular student paper (pray if you believe) particularly in this verse, but I can’t assume that either. The joke was that Satan lying to me is the less of two evils (the greater being that it is definitely not real, obviously).
Somehow though, I came to a bit of a point where I could, almost bizarrely, have some semblance of hope. Wrapped in irony and cynicism I concluded that there was a chance this could all be part of God working amazingly in me as a response to certain areas I have been praying about. Particularly given a friend prophesied over me in November that God would drop in really deep foundations of The Word, Hope, Faith and Love that would be incredibly painful ‘cause he wanted to do it quickly so that I was “ready” soon. The first three I have had sort of confirmation over (not that they are finished, obviously, it is always a work in progress) but I was (and still am) battling with the love (not never having it but like it was not consistent to or from me and still had a long way to go, I may explain at greater length another time). It is the greatest of these after all. Last term was not easy but it was not unbearable… and then this weekend the pain started to hit. Wow. The very opposite of love became so true for me.
So when Grace said she felt like God was doing something really deep (which I took with huge amounts of ‘yeah buts’) I shared that other prophecy and she got all excited ‘cause she said that when her sister had a baby recently she wanted it to be quick and the midwife told her it would be much more painful if it was and she just had to not resist the pain and go with it. Grace is certain that’s a word for me – that for this to happen I just need to let it hurt and see the fruit that comes straight after.
What do I think? I dunno, that I have nothing to lose I ‘spose. It’s either gonna be even better than before all this, or the worst thing ever, and both answers require simply waiting. Sure I’ll let it hurt, be it from sheer surrender or because I am too miserable about my life being over to care. Time will tell.
The funny funny thing is that since I got this decision I’ve started being less upset and more cynical. I am now doubting my doubt and think it is me trying to find something exciting in the fact that I am nearly a whole 8 months old and seeing the reality of life instead of the holiday. Yet I can’t make it happen now, even if I am subconsciously faking the pain.
So I’m just waiting for deliverance – ba dum ch. I will still keep some semblance of 'The Life' up of course, not sure how much... I just hope that God’s scale of quick is one that I can relate to. Until then, everything will just have to come with caveats. For example: God is so amazing isn’t he? Or else not at all real that is.
Wouldn’t it be strange if my blog turned non-Christian half way? I wonder what that would do to my hits?
Seriously, a post-script as I publish. I figure either I was totally wrong about all what has happened thus far and am at the brink of it going horribly wrong; or that God is Sovereign and can bring me back 'cause he is faithful even when we aren't. Apparently. There hopes to be a sequel as another day has brought development of sorts but my bed is calling me for now...
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