Russell Brand’s autobiography is my new bible

I’m not saying I won’t read the original one (bible that is). It’s just, right now, I am more motivated with that ole Booky Wook.

Well, no wonder you’ve lost your faith I hear you cry.

Whatever. I’ve decided that seeking is an attitude of heart and not some kind of perverse discipline.

[Here may be a good time to note that I am desperately trying to catch up with the past few days and have barely gotten things down here without moving on and discovering more but I'm going to try and give a bit of a journey and not skip straight to the most recent.]

One time, say last February, I was too depressed to read my bible or do anything really and I was reading Russell then too (it takes me a long time to finish books due to concentration problems) whereupon God spoke to me through the line "If celebrity hynotist Paul McKenna can't help me then who can?".

So I figure, it could happen again… and I rather think it might be.

Now I can’t be sure that I never meant any of my passion before. As Russell says quite aptly:
“My zeal was potent, as is often the case with the newly converted in any faith.”
Who knows, perhaps I too am just disgruntled by the lack of immediacy for my cause (though I rather doubt it since this didn’t come after a dry period by actually quite the opposite).
However, whether I did or not and whether it was real (which is what I am doubting right now) or not, I am definitely not feeling the love at the moment.

I’ve been told by tons of people I know a surprising amount of stuff for a newbie. Like the bible and that and just the idea that it is all about Jesus, simply looking to and becoming more like him and that everything else will follow. It’s true. Objectively. I’m not a statistician by trade but my sample group has been sufficiently large and diverse, even my dad noticed the other day! I don’t know how this has happened, I have quite a good memory I suppose and who knows, maybe God played a part too.

So, with all this behind me I have been playing the game very very well. Kidding everyone, perhaps even me (though I may have been in denial).

And one of the main keys I realised pretty quick is: SUBMISSION.

I never got why people struggled with it. I am very much an all or nothing at all girl and the few times that I have found it tricky I still manage to say I want to want to and it all worked out cool. I prouded myself (you know there’s a problem when pride is involved) on the fact that I was surrendered in every area of my life. “Force me to be free” was my prayer (for those of you that don’t know Rousseau I will explain this some time) and it was seemingly working, even if I had to repeat it several times a day. I don’t mean that I was perfect but I really thought that I was, theoretically at least, open with it all… an act of will maybe but it only takes our will and then God’s power comes in and makes all things possible. (Imagine a caveat at this point.)

The thing I’ve realised now though is that I have been living a legalistic life. I haven’t submitted ‘cause I really love God and want to follow everything He says but because by doing so I know that I will be best off. Selfish designs to succeed in everything I do. I am one for getting “it” right and so The Way and The Truth and The Life spells out to me exactly what I have been looking for. Always a bit of a control freak (as well as a perfectionist) I carried these traits through with me... I think it is rather ironic that I was trying to keep a handle on life by giving up control to a being that is omni-everything.

Hence getting stuck into evangelism; striving to be pure in everything; buying/living green and ethically in all that I can. Stopping at every homeless person I meet, at all times living as an example to non-Christian friends etc etc. I don’t mean I always did it right but I sure always felt the call.

It was all like one really big fast, striving for perfection and constantly sacrificing things. And in the same way that when married couples refrain from sex for too long and they end up giving in, I have stopped being able to work at it.

Life is not meant to be always fasting, I worked that out here. I’ve been working for a place of intimacy and relationship, telling myself that if I form the habit of love I will inhabit the form of it. Which isn't a bad concept in itself about needing to choose to change but when applied willy nilly can have disastrous effects. I knew all about grace in my head but not on my heart.

So no longer.

I hadn't quite worked all this out on Monday morning as I set off home; and I was still pretty sleepy from the late night drafting my last blog, not to mention pissed off. So that day I embraced the fact that I no longer wanted to try. Nothing too risky, but here are some of the boundaries I pushed then and over the following day or so:

Drinking coffee when I wasn't in a good place (lol, it's bad trust me!)
Buying non fairtrade chocolate (peanut butter chunky kitkats are Good)
Speeding along the motorway (it is pure legalism to not I realise)
Shopping in Tesco. More specifically actually buying a jumper there and all kinds of things wrapped in plastic and of dubious source.
I also realised an area I may not have submitted (being open to conviction about swearing) but didn't give a shit by that point
Thinking unloving things and not being afraid to allow it
Watching TV, namely catching up on EastEnders, all day long

It's not a fully encompassing list.
Note that I am still not a fan of Cosmo magazine.

I hadn't really thought it through much, other than that I was not prepared to do it anymore. So I wouldn't. You know what? I enjoyed it. All of it.

Do I feel different now to how I was before all the God happened, or have I been reset? That question was open for a day or so. I suppose what it is really asking is much deeper about the nature of the change that you go through when your spirit is reborn. I know that after the initial anger and disregard I don't hate myself hardly at all. Indeed I am pretty empowered in ways that I haven't been recently to get myself together. And I'm not sure that is a bad thing.

In fact. There seems to be some pretty good things coming out of this. Not unlike the advice I got from EVERYONE that has been motivationally writing/talking to me! I suppose I am slightly more inclined to God now than I was a couple of days ago. I'm not actually sure I had a faith issue so much as a methodology issue. I was surprised by how much (granted apathetic) expectation I had for it to be resolved in the end. I just don't care much, 'tis all.

This piece of writing has come out a bit backwards (given I started this morning and ended on last Monday) but overall progress is forwards. I reckon I am discovering good lessons and really having bad things gotten rid of. The thought I had on Tuesday that my ability to trust had gone and I needed something akin to a mini rerevelation is over. I have enough in the memory bank to know God is there.

And if he wants me to do things right now let him convict me, for sure, but I ain't living a life that is a constant mission of my own. This burden is light, come on Kat(i)e let's apply some of the head knowledge.

Does that sound bad? Good thing I still don't care. There is more to come but this is hard to organise in my mind and I am more than ready for bed (note: this has been written over the course of about a day and a half, started thurs am and actually finally published fri eve). So to bed I will go...

Oh and, er, just for a POI and it may mean nothing as people are only now coming into post-Christmas routine, but my hits have gone WAY up since I started writing about this. Well who’d have thought… struggles are more interesting, I’ll bear that in mind ;-)