Fasting: this is really good to do. I have had amazing success in fasting for the purpose of seeing breakthrough in prayer. I have had amazing connections with God and hearing His still small voice. I have also had absolutely awful experiences, some when my attitude has been wrong, some when it has been right and I don't know why.
I was fasting through Advent and treating it like a Lent period for me. I thought it was a really good idea. Thing is I am trying to pray for different people every day like and really want good cheer and hope to be spread through this season and be for life, not just for Christmas. So my advent calender is a list of 24 different people and I decided to do a fast until Christmas eve.
I especially thought it was a good idea given that Christmas is a season for lack of self-control and I notoriously have this (as I have shared before) and want to work on it in all areas of my life. So I figured showing discipline in eating is a good way to go about it and would bring me closer to God in this season and deal with something that sometimes gets in the way.
How is fasting for me? Some people say it is about being hungry so they remember to pray. I get that, I do it, but it isn't the main thing. I think the best way I understood fasting was that by not giving in to you fleshly demands of hunger you can somehow get out of this physical mindset and be in a place that can get closer to God by tapping into your spiritual side more. I know that's vague and feel free to correct or expand or whatever...
So anyway, when a friend was doing a lunch fast on the 1st December it just felt right to do it too. Then to carry it on till the 24th... Right?
The thing I hate about humanity is fickleness. How can we be so sure of what we want or what we think we have to do one minute and then the next be completely confused by how wrong it suddenly seems. I get so much comfort out of knowing that at least God gets me 'cause so much of the time I really don't!
First day it was great. Second day I was like, OK, there is a difference between enduring hunger and being too weak to concentrate on my studies. Plus I was not eating day time but getting to the evening and being really really hungry so having big dinners; and also thinking "I need energy for the day so I'll have a big breakfast". Which ended up looking like it had the potential to become a binge-starve-binge sandwich (or not!) and defo not what it was all about. I have a tendency to do things to extremes but I knew this was not good so I decided on day 3 that, though it had been really successful it was not prolong-able, and I would have a fast involving disciplined regular meals and being really strict with myself. Lol, you'll love this, I told my friend in an email:
"I am now doing a 'no snacking or seconds or unneccesarily eating etc' fast as it was starting to feel a bit legalistic."
Now, am I right or am I right that this statement epitomises legalism?!
No snacks, seconds, cake, treats, fun... friends, pleasures, comfort, central heating, nice clothes... hell I should just go live in a cave and pray.
That drove me mad. Suddenly I wasn't even sure when I was allowed to eat. I didn't know if my hunger was hunger or if it was seeking comfort or gratuitous pleasure in food. It felt like I was damned if I do and damned if I don't. I didn't think about it much till after I got my presentation finished on the 4th day [Thank God so much I got that done - it was pushed to the far edge of available time but my ability to eventually concentrate was nothing short of miraculous and it feels like God is growing my faith in such things by leaving me wholly dependent on Him to help me.] but then, suddenly, I was like "What now?". Can I have half an hour of peace, maybe a nice lunch, before I get into the discipline? Am I allowed a biscuit with my tea if I'm still hungry or is it only dry bread? Argggggghhhh! I was tired, I was stressed, nothing was right because legalism vs consumerism is not a pretty fight and so I went to bed till my sister came round after work. Granted I needed it after an early start and 5 hours straight of Philosophy of Maths (!) but going to sleep to avoid dilemmas is probably not what Jesus what have done.
So where am I now? Apart from extremely grateful that C could step up and be wise and supportive and helpful when I needed it? Living each day in God and not forcing a thing I suppose. Remembering that He said really clearly there is no condemnation. I suppose my rule (which is something I've heard and heard and heard and not absorbed then suddenly it just became real to me) for how to live an "extreme" (nay any) spiritual life is:
Only do what I want to do and learn to love God more so that my desires reflect His heart. Then it should all be easy.
Easy is as easy does. Anything's easy if He is our strength (some verses in Isaiah, 2 Corinthians, Matthew). I can't even have a cup of tea without.
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