The UK is not online.
Seriously, I have finally solved the shoddy connection in my parents house by plugging in with a WIRE. It makes me sick. What kind of backwards place is this?
After a week back in the motherland I am feeling rather alright really. I got a little bit overwhelmed the first night (only a little mind) and was kinda worried as, well, life changed quite a lot when I was away and, for a short while, it seemed like it was all a huge incredible dream.
Backtracking slightly - I lived in Geneva, Switzerland for a year and got turned upside - I say to you respectfully that life without Jesus sucks.
That is an *incredibly* brief overview of something that I will/have gone into more detail about. Geneva, City of Reformation with motto Post Tenebras Lux (After the darkness, the light) was the place where I was reformed. And on Monday night I panicked that I'd blown it out of all proportion.
Which I hadn't.
Still I went to bed worried and thinking that I was glad indeed my sister had come over for my baptism as at least then she would be able to pinch me and prove it was true (I'm talking metaphorically please C).
And I woke up in the morning to a surprise visit from aforementioned sibling. Could not have been better timed. Especially as it was on my 3 months rebirthday! We had a BBQ it was lovely (note that the weather in England SUCKS).
So that was a good start to the new start.
Hmmmm. In other news: been thinking a lot about lukewarmness and how much I don't want to do it and how setting up a proper life (instead of the summer camp of before) is going to be more stretching and much easier to fall into bad ways in. That coupled with the overwhelming task of tidying my bedroom and sorting through all the crap (not lit) I own has made for a quick passing and intense week.
Though I have been to the cinema twice (Hellboy II - really quite good; Mamma Mia, singalong, with the company of 9, 11 & 13 year girls - unbeatable) and am getting quite a lot of sleep and rest in. Which is nice. Plus home-cooking which can't be beat.
Oh and Valerie the car is back. Woohoo! Though I did get in the first time, pull out my driveway and terrify Richard with the question "what side of the road do we drive on here?". Genuine moment of blankness.
That's all. Just an update for those that asked really. I will be insightful in due course (be warned).
Friday, August 29, 2008
Saturday, August 23, 2008
My Bird Has Flown The Nest
OK. What's sadder than a cheesy gimmick of a title? A cheesy gimmick of a title that is a reuse of my current Facebook status!
Robyn went back to Canada today. I was going to put back home but I defiantly did not because, well, because I like to think of her first loyalties being in Geneva with me. Playing as my husband instead of being an actual wife to her own. Boy will I miss her. That is one iron sharpening iron friendship and I have never felt more challenged and loved at the same time. Thank you :-D
The whole home thing though. Selfish gene aside I do think it is hard to look to another place and call it home after such a time away. Particularly when what has happened in the interim changes you and your situation completely. England was home once and I know it will be again but right now I am leaving home, ergo I cannot not be going back. Can I? Perhaps Robyn feels like this, I don't know. I sure do. It is just the fact of transition - things change.
But they also continue to change too and from this point onwards will be a new chapter for us both.
Geneva really has been a nest for me. It is a useful analogy and I have observed many lives being changed whilst here. I've watched people enter, be transformed and then get sent out in the world. It is a place for nourishment and growth and also for some a place of stability, as they become a nurturer here - but you only need so many of those and for every parent in a bird family you have a whole host of little chicks that eventually fly away. And that is what Robyn did this morning. And that is what I will do tomorrow night (I write as though it is Saturday given that it is presleep).
But if I were to quote my favourite (OK, I only know one) Christian reggae artist - "fly away home to glory" - maybe I need to rethink this whole 'home' thing. I suppose really, though I leave a home here - an encouraging, supportive and caring life and family that has weaned me onto solid food and given me a whole bunch of love - I am flying away home. Because if home is in glory and the kingdom is in our hearts it doesn't really matter where you settle down.
So really, Robyn did go home today; and I go home tomorrow; and we are both leaving home behind... because like a tortoise we carry home around with us and wherever I stop and draw in my legs is where I will find shelter - because glory is deep down in my heart.
Talking about deep deep, a down down... which is exactly the opposite of the tortoise analogy... but it is late, I have silly amounts of packing and finishing up still to do (if you are reading this before Sunday 7pm UK time, pray now; you don't even have to believe) and don't have the usual fall back plan that my parents will fit it into their car somehow. That said, I am leaving a bunch with Beautiful Brian and coming back to get it stupidly soon.
Am I being melodramatic given how easy Jet travel is these days? But where would the fun be otherwise?!
Night (if I ever get to bed) x
Robyn went back to Canada today. I was going to put back home but I defiantly did not because, well, because I like to think of her first loyalties being in Geneva with me. Playing as my husband instead of being an actual wife to her own. Boy will I miss her. That is one iron sharpening iron friendship and I have never felt more challenged and loved at the same time. Thank you :-D
The whole home thing though. Selfish gene aside I do think it is hard to look to another place and call it home after such a time away. Particularly when what has happened in the interim changes you and your situation completely. England was home once and I know it will be again but right now I am leaving home, ergo I cannot not be going back. Can I? Perhaps Robyn feels like this, I don't know. I sure do. It is just the fact of transition - things change.
But they also continue to change too and from this point onwards will be a new chapter for us both.
Geneva really has been a nest for me. It is a useful analogy and I have observed many lives being changed whilst here. I've watched people enter, be transformed and then get sent out in the world. It is a place for nourishment and growth and also for some a place of stability, as they become a nurturer here - but you only need so many of those and for every parent in a bird family you have a whole host of little chicks that eventually fly away. And that is what Robyn did this morning. And that is what I will do tomorrow night (I write as though it is Saturday given that it is presleep).
But if I were to quote my favourite (OK, I only know one) Christian reggae artist - "fly away home to glory" - maybe I need to rethink this whole 'home' thing. I suppose really, though I leave a home here - an encouraging, supportive and caring life and family that has weaned me onto solid food and given me a whole bunch of love - I am flying away home. Because if home is in glory and the kingdom is in our hearts it doesn't really matter where you settle down.
So really, Robyn did go home today; and I go home tomorrow; and we are both leaving home behind... because like a tortoise we carry home around with us and wherever I stop and draw in my legs is where I will find shelter - because glory is deep down in my heart.
Talking about deep deep, a down down... which is exactly the opposite of the tortoise analogy... but it is late, I have silly amounts of packing and finishing up still to do (if you are reading this before Sunday 7pm UK time, pray now; you don't even have to believe) and don't have the usual fall back plan that my parents will fit it into their car somehow. That said, I am leaving a bunch with Beautiful Brian and coming back to get it stupidly soon.
Am I being melodramatic given how easy Jet travel is these days? But where would the fun be otherwise?!
Night (if I ever get to bed) x
The End Is Nigh
Today is Robyn's last night. So I will not write for long, I want to spend time with her...
I have not cried yet, I am just so happy I can't really visualise it. It helps that I don't have a very good impression of what is real - if I can't see it it isn't there.
Therefore, despite the fact that we had yet another leaving 'do'. Yet again at Anna's (if you do live opposite the Jet d'Eau you will have to host) and yet another lovely parting gift, I still can't look beyond what I have to do tomorrow. Quite nice really, though not at all efficient for packing stuffs.
I am off to see my husbie. We can brush our teeth and gossip. Did I ever tell you about pra-hair time? Well, you work it out. I will write a longer one tomorrow when I am all alone...
P.S. I have NO IDEA if all my stuff with fit into the 40kg allowance I have!
I have not cried yet, I am just so happy I can't really visualise it. It helps that I don't have a very good impression of what is real - if I can't see it it isn't there.
Therefore, despite the fact that we had yet another leaving 'do'. Yet again at Anna's (if you do live opposite the Jet d'Eau you will have to host) and yet another lovely parting gift, I still can't look beyond what I have to do tomorrow. Quite nice really, though not at all efficient for packing stuffs.
I am off to see my husbie. We can brush our teeth and gossip. Did I ever tell you about pra-hair time? Well, you work it out. I will write a longer one tomorrow when I am all alone...
P.S. I have NO IDEA if all my stuff with fit into the 40kg allowance I have!
Thursday, August 21, 2008
A Mini Self-Assessment
Technically this counts as Thursdays post cause I haven't gone to bed yet. Plus it is 5 to midnight UK time and I am getting myself readjusted.
So, what's been going down. A good bit of miraculous peace which is nice, yesterday I got all kinds of things done in a really chilled manner including making 'business cards' and fitting in my last Starbucks (made an exception for old times sake) with good friends using vouchers that another good friend gave me for my birthday and I only just found! Anna threw Robyn and I a going away 'share a song' party in the eve, which I was of course fashionably late for. It was lovely and I found myself just enjoying every minute and not thinking about the end. Just having a great last week which is exactly what I was worried would not happen so am very grateful. AND Sheila gave us both fabulous Ghanaian dresses (which Robyn is cheekily calling Moomoos!) so that was lovely :-D.
Today on the other hand I have had my bitchy mean judgmental ungraceful tendencies come out in full force. Not the only thing I have been learning about this week but a key lesson which I failed immeasurable times in all situations and, well, sorry. To everyone and particularly God. Why is it that we can know and vow how to be but it is so easy to slip? I rather felt t'other day some stuff about needing to have a servant heart (more ont another time, maybe) and I think perhaps the next stage of this journey I am on will be in learning humility and love, and in finding that through practical offerings.
'Cause the thing is, this year I learnt to love myself and appreciate who God has made me and be uplifted and encouraged in my giftings and character. Thank you for that, everyone who has added to the stockpile, it really was very gratefully received. Now it is time for me to see that, though I am fabulous and can do lots of things, the first call is to be last. I need to be humble before I can be great for God. If in discernment I judge it is better not to be discernful. If in leading I take control it is better to follow. If in any earthly gifting I get vain it is better do unglamorous mediocre things in secret - Yuck.
I am having to transition from someone who is just discovering faith and getting away with certain things to learning what really isn't appropriate. From misfiring sometimes to taking responsibility for thinking and caring more about those around me. From uncontained naïve excitement to directed encouragement. From passion for change to compassion for the chained. I am growing, I think, but it is not that easy or fun and boy do I suck at it.
Still, there are many rewards waiting on the other side. I can't help thinking of Abraham and Isaac when I think I am giving something up for God. It is hard to say "I will do this for you because I love you and you have called me to" when there is a constant niggle adding "and if you do then He will bless right back atcha". This whole religion thing really isn't altruistic is it? Giving stuff up is SO a personal gain its untrue. It annoys me but then, you can't really get away from your own thought failings. It is so true that God knows us better than we do 'cause even when I want to be genuine I can find myself kidding myself. I think.
I wish I was still a baby. Approaching the 3 month rebirthday on Monday and I have to say, it has been exponential. Don't get me wrong, still very much a newbie, just with less excuses than before. Hmmmm... all good shit though :-)
P.S. I am aware that I wrote a post about wanting to be humble. Seems perhaps the wrong place to start...? But as Sara told me, Moses was the humblest man on the face of the earth - check out this reference for evidence (if you go in for the bible that it) - yet he was the very dude that wrote the Book of Numbers!
P.P.S. While writing about humility may not be a huge error, potentially comparing myself to Moses may well be! I hope this doesn't come across like it reads...!
So, what's been going down. A good bit of miraculous peace which is nice, yesterday I got all kinds of things done in a really chilled manner including making 'business cards' and fitting in my last Starbucks (made an exception for old times sake) with good friends using vouchers that another good friend gave me for my birthday and I only just found! Anna threw Robyn and I a going away 'share a song' party in the eve, which I was of course fashionably late for. It was lovely and I found myself just enjoying every minute and not thinking about the end. Just having a great last week which is exactly what I was worried would not happen so am very grateful. AND Sheila gave us both fabulous Ghanaian dresses (which Robyn is cheekily calling Moomoos!) so that was lovely :-D.
Today on the other hand I have had my bitchy mean judgmental ungraceful tendencies come out in full force. Not the only thing I have been learning about this week but a key lesson which I failed immeasurable times in all situations and, well, sorry. To everyone and particularly God. Why is it that we can know and vow how to be but it is so easy to slip? I rather felt t'other day some stuff about needing to have a servant heart (more ont another time, maybe) and I think perhaps the next stage of this journey I am on will be in learning humility and love, and in finding that through practical offerings.
'Cause the thing is, this year I learnt to love myself and appreciate who God has made me and be uplifted and encouraged in my giftings and character. Thank you for that, everyone who has added to the stockpile, it really was very gratefully received. Now it is time for me to see that, though I am fabulous and can do lots of things, the first call is to be last. I need to be humble before I can be great for God. If in discernment I judge it is better not to be discernful. If in leading I take control it is better to follow. If in any earthly gifting I get vain it is better do unglamorous mediocre things in secret - Yuck.
I am having to transition from someone who is just discovering faith and getting away with certain things to learning what really isn't appropriate. From misfiring sometimes to taking responsibility for thinking and caring more about those around me. From uncontained naïve excitement to directed encouragement. From passion for change to compassion for the chained. I am growing, I think, but it is not that easy or fun and boy do I suck at it.
Still, there are many rewards waiting on the other side. I can't help thinking of Abraham and Isaac when I think I am giving something up for God. It is hard to say "I will do this for you because I love you and you have called me to" when there is a constant niggle adding "and if you do then He will bless right back atcha". This whole religion thing really isn't altruistic is it? Giving stuff up is SO a personal gain its untrue. It annoys me but then, you can't really get away from your own thought failings. It is so true that God knows us better than we do 'cause even when I want to be genuine I can find myself kidding myself. I think.
I wish I was still a baby. Approaching the 3 month rebirthday on Monday and I have to say, it has been exponential. Don't get me wrong, still very much a newbie, just with less excuses than before. Hmmmm... all good shit though :-)
P.S. I am aware that I wrote a post about wanting to be humble. Seems perhaps the wrong place to start...? But as Sara told me, Moses was the humblest man on the face of the earth - check out this reference for evidence (if you go in for the bible that it) - yet he was the very dude that wrote the Book of Numbers!
P.P.S. While writing about humility may not be a huge error, potentially comparing myself to Moses may well be! I hope this doesn't come across like it reads...!
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
My Second Love
I just read a post from Darryl's blog - about a Henri Nouwen video we watched t'other week at YAGs. Don't worry, I seldom actually visit TYC. I read it on Facebook so he doesn't get my hits...
Anyways. It was a really inspiring video and reading that post reminded me of what I had gotten from it, not to mention the pretty cool realisation I made after, so I though I would share. Some of you may know all too well what I am talking about and for others it will be nice and vague - the vagueness is sufficient for the example and, if you do understand all too well, I don't suppose it matters.
When I went to Paris in October and watched the Rugby World Cup final I had a pretty fun time. There's a few legendary stories - see here for example - but the real clincher for me now, I must admit, is the way in which God spoke to me. [This comment reminds me of the thing Sara said t'other day about what my parties are likely to turn into. A recent incident that only confirms the journey of my reputation down the plughole was when my visiting friends wanted to watch one of the infinite sky channels on my ginormous TV that I seldom-to-never watch. They switched it on and it was showing The God Channel... saaaaaaaad.]
Getting off the tangent. God talked to me there about love and how we need to love each other and ourselves and that all love comes from Him and it is His love that we are ultimately seeking. There is more to this I know, about loving God back for example (see Darryl's post - I am trying to move away from the competitiveness a little now it's an official grace killer. If it's on the list I MUST obey...) but at the time I was in a place (spiritually that is) where I didn't know what I believed and could not really understand the idea of loving God, let alone all that Christian jazz. So He gave me some survival tips and a real experience of His love for me. All this hapened in Paris, the City of Love, speaking the Language of Love and in the Sacré Coeur (sacred heart). The symbolism was not lost on me and it felt like I was having a romantic weekend away with God.
Anyway. The thing from Henri? Well if you are a regular reader (one of 4) you may have noticed that one of the things I have been learning about is God being my first priority, not letting man distract from Him and making sure that I put my trust and hope and love into Him. It's taken me a while since Paris, I still have a long way to go and He has made it pretty clear that until I can be wholly into that there is not going to be space for anyone else on my life. We're talking about boyfriends in case you hadn't picked up on that. When I was traveling in June I did a lot of learning about this (there was a pretty cool analogy, that I wrote about here, from Budapest). Henri phrased it in a fabulous way: "God is your First Love and man (relationships of all kinds) is your second. If you look in your second love for what you can only find in your First then you will crash." (That's not a direct quote but its close.)
I already knew this but it was good to be reminded and hear someone else put it so well. Then, when we were in the tea shop after YAGs (it gets worse and worse, we used to go to the pub), talking ont I realised sommat cool as an extra.
Here goes with the necessary personal detail. When I was in Budapest I was inadvertently a bit preoccupied with a certain "second love". God was pretty clear to me on what He thought (I realised a little too late) but these things can take over and, well, the days that followed were pretty chocka of visuals and lessons which I made some mention of at the time but did not give all the context. Now you have it you can reread through new eyes (which you will of course now do...).
God really speaks to me when I travel. Symbolism is cool and I love how using different cities He says different things. I can't wait to work out the significance of Bristol...
Geneva's easy: the motto is "post tenebras lux" - after the darkness, the light; Paris: city of love; Budapest? Well, people call it the Paris of Eastern Europe and at the time I could not help but think 'oooh, this is the encouraging love symbol for the certain preoccupation'. Eh Eh. (supposed to be a sound effect from a quiz show, did it work?) That Tuesday 2 weeks back I suddenly realised....
...Budapest does represent the preoccupation (I think from now on whenever I fancy someone I will refer to them as my preoccupation!), just not how I was looking at it. The Second City of Love, or perhaps rather City of Second Love by it's very name is akin to what M Nouwen described. It also has a real history of violence and corruption - the damaging potential of human love. It is love but it is the kind Henri warns of: not perfect, certainly not enough and with the propensity to go horribly wrong if that is where you are storing your treasure.
Now for the thing that was OVERWHELMING cool, as I was sitting in Kafé Deko talking myself hoarse: check out what I bought in the second hand shop in Budapest...
(It's mirror image but I can't flip it)
Even looking for the wrong type of love, in the city of the wrong type of love, I found (as God so graciously revealed Himself) perfect Parisian Love to take away with me - in the shape of a very cool retro compact mirror. It may have taken a while to realise but I was carrying it around all along.
Ooh ooh ooh! Last thought. If the sunglasses I lost (see this to understand) are the second love, they give a tinted view of the world. The mirror, the First Love, reflects a perfect image of who I am. There has to be something deep in that. I can't believe I'm now glad I lost them! Lol... too true...
Sorry it's such a long message. I just though that those that appreciate this kind of thing probably like the details too. That and I can't help myself!
Anyways. It was a really inspiring video and reading that post reminded me of what I had gotten from it, not to mention the pretty cool realisation I made after, so I though I would share. Some of you may know all too well what I am talking about and for others it will be nice and vague - the vagueness is sufficient for the example and, if you do understand all too well, I don't suppose it matters.
When I went to Paris in October and watched the Rugby World Cup final I had a pretty fun time. There's a few legendary stories - see here for example - but the real clincher for me now, I must admit, is the way in which God spoke to me. [This comment reminds me of the thing Sara said t'other day about what my parties are likely to turn into. A recent incident that only confirms the journey of my reputation down the plughole was when my visiting friends wanted to watch one of the infinite sky channels on my ginormous TV that I seldom-to-never watch. They switched it on and it was showing The God Channel... saaaaaaaad.]
Getting off the tangent. God talked to me there about love and how we need to love each other and ourselves and that all love comes from Him and it is His love that we are ultimately seeking. There is more to this I know, about loving God back for example (see Darryl's post - I am trying to move away from the competitiveness a little now it's an official grace killer. If it's on the list I MUST obey...) but at the time I was in a place (spiritually that is) where I didn't know what I believed and could not really understand the idea of loving God, let alone all that Christian jazz. So He gave me some survival tips and a real experience of His love for me. All this hapened in Paris, the City of Love, speaking the Language of Love and in the Sacré Coeur (sacred heart). The symbolism was not lost on me and it felt like I was having a romantic weekend away with God.
Anyway. The thing from Henri? Well if you are a regular reader (one of 4) you may have noticed that one of the things I have been learning about is God being my first priority, not letting man distract from Him and making sure that I put my trust and hope and love into Him. It's taken me a while since Paris, I still have a long way to go and He has made it pretty clear that until I can be wholly into that there is not going to be space for anyone else on my life. We're talking about boyfriends in case you hadn't picked up on that. When I was traveling in June I did a lot of learning about this (there was a pretty cool analogy, that I wrote about here, from Budapest). Henri phrased it in a fabulous way: "God is your First Love and man (relationships of all kinds) is your second. If you look in your second love for what you can only find in your First then you will crash." (That's not a direct quote but its close.)
I already knew this but it was good to be reminded and hear someone else put it so well. Then, when we were in the tea shop after YAGs (it gets worse and worse, we used to go to the pub), talking ont I realised sommat cool as an extra.
Here goes with the necessary personal detail. When I was in Budapest I was inadvertently a bit preoccupied with a certain "second love". God was pretty clear to me on what He thought (I realised a little too late) but these things can take over and, well, the days that followed were pretty chocka of visuals and lessons which I made some mention of at the time but did not give all the context. Now you have it you can reread through new eyes (which you will of course now do...).
God really speaks to me when I travel. Symbolism is cool and I love how using different cities He says different things. I can't wait to work out the significance of Bristol...
Geneva's easy: the motto is "post tenebras lux" - after the darkness, the light; Paris: city of love; Budapest? Well, people call it the Paris of Eastern Europe and at the time I could not help but think 'oooh, this is the encouraging love symbol for the certain preoccupation'. Eh Eh. (supposed to be a sound effect from a quiz show, did it work?) That Tuesday 2 weeks back I suddenly realised....
...Budapest does represent the preoccupation (I think from now on whenever I fancy someone I will refer to them as my preoccupation!), just not how I was looking at it. The Second City of Love, or perhaps rather City of Second Love by it's very name is akin to what M Nouwen described. It also has a real history of violence and corruption - the damaging potential of human love. It is love but it is the kind Henri warns of: not perfect, certainly not enough and with the propensity to go horribly wrong if that is where you are storing your treasure.
Now for the thing that was OVERWHELMING cool, as I was sitting in Kafé Deko talking myself hoarse: check out what I bought in the second hand shop in Budapest...
(It's mirror image but I can't flip it)Even looking for the wrong type of love, in the city of the wrong type of love, I found (as God so graciously revealed Himself) perfect Parisian Love to take away with me - in the shape of a very cool retro compact mirror. It may have taken a while to realise but I was carrying it around all along.
Ooh ooh ooh! Last thought. If the sunglasses I lost (see this to understand) are the second love, they give a tinted view of the world. The mirror, the First Love, reflects a perfect image of who I am. There has to be something deep in that. I can't believe I'm now glad I lost them! Lol... too true...
Sorry it's such a long message. I just though that those that appreciate this kind of thing probably like the details too. That and I can't help myself!
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Blog-down
It is the final week and though I am busy and have many other things in the agenda, I want to do a bit of a blog based count down. Making little observations everyday kinda thing. It is no doubt just classic procrastination to avoid packing and cleaning. Problem is, my blogbook (the place where I write down all the nonsensical trite that happens to me when I am not near a computer) is overflowing from just a few hours of life; and there is some AMAZING praise points which really should be included; and I already had an idea of what I wanted to write for this entry from days ago but it looks like I may not get the chance. I have, afterall, already filled a paragraph with the introduction.
Was my last day at JdeM. That is the homeless kitchen for those that don't know. I was going to summarise what I've learnt there, catch up on what actually happened with the music idea and stuffs like that. Now you will have to wait, again, 'cause even today more über-cool wicked bad shit went down.
I was reading in Joshua the other day (just the first coupla chapters and no that does not mean I have finished Genesis, I am just skipping ahead - I love that about the Bible!) about how God was going to give him every place that he set his foot. Pretty acebloodytastic stuff in beaucoup trop ways and I would encourage you to dwell ont 'cause I probably won't be spending time exegesing it. Anyways this portion, combined with a friend that has been encouraging me to pray for what lies ahead and claiming it for my own before I get there, plus the fact that at the end of the chapter 2 it talks about the people melting in fear because God will conquer, got me really excited about the idea of seeing Him moving in places where He is not yet and the power of praying for it and seeing it happen. So, during a lull at the kitchen (mid-morning we tend to have a bit of a wait period and I am disadvantaged in the standing around smoking and gossiping stakes on several fronts) I decided to walk all around and pray for the place and the people there and those coming in and for the future that there would be God in da house and a way made for it and all that jazz. Yes it came across as a shuffling mutter but they see that quite a lot there. I was really excited by the idea, particularly in light of some of the progress that I had already seen in the attitudes of the people that worked there (which I am yet to mention but it did happen and was cool). Wanted to see the people's issues left at the door and not picked up again. I was quite up for believing that it would be an effective thing to make a difference - I think that I am such a prime example of prayer working that my propensity to doubt is not as high as my propensity to other things... as Robyn and I were taking about over dinner though, this just leaves more room for other propensities.
Anyways, did I see results? Did I ever! Not exactly what I was expecting mind. It was like the Tracy Chapman song - poor people were rising up and taking what was theirs. There was a new woman working there who had not had the weeks of prayer that had gone down, way back when the last grumpy cow was in charge (no offense intended, just the best description going) and she was overwhelmingly opposed to anyone being, well, happy. The thing in Geneva is that the poor aren't nearly as poor as in other places and half of what we give them is not food so much as a brief place to be and find some love. They got none of that from her and, while they can lack friendliness at times, never have I seen anyone refusing seconds to hungry street walkers when there is plenty there and it is normal policy. It was like she was fighting against joy. Pretty damn stressful actually and it occurred to me that, while I was subject to her direction, God clearly says only follow the law of the land when it does not go against His - and His says clearly in Isaiah 58 (as well as many other places I am sure) about feeding the hungry. Was I Supposed to rebel? I was, after all, holding the spoon... and it was my last day. With a lot of pressure from those talkin' bout a revolution and bit of feeble eventual arguing from me (I like to claim language barrier as an excuse but it doesn't really graduate to reason), she finally gave in a bit for a time, though stayed firmly in the misery camp (the rubbish alternative to the glory camp). Really felt like a "things have been stirred up" situation. If that makes sense. Was cool to watch in a horrifying manner mind, and would defo have made a good music vid for Trace.
Talking about being able (or not) to do pretty awesome/intense stuff in the name of following God's commands: a not very close friend of mine (some guy I met through the reggae crew) that I have in the past had some pretty interesting chats with (where I try not to be judgmental over him putting veganism above sexual purity) totally blew me away today. I have been getting really excited with his coming to church and really getting into God stuff and hearing about breakthroughs in his life. It is really cool actually but I have been awakened to the patronisation of my attitude - it didn't take long to go from new and open to set in ways and condescending did it? Amidst all this "I want to see you coming into God's way like I have" he tells me - when I finally noticed the 5 inch gash down the side of his face and asked about it - that it happened when he brought back a guy from the park to sleep at his place 'cause he had nowhere else to go. The dude attacked him with a knife from his own kitchen! And now he is all Jamaican and relaxed about it and joking about how the next person he meets in the park will just have to stay there! I would be a bit more pissed and a lot more martyr than that.
People really surprise you don't they?
Was my last day at JdeM. That is the homeless kitchen for those that don't know. I was going to summarise what I've learnt there, catch up on what actually happened with the music idea and stuffs like that. Now you will have to wait, again, 'cause even today more über-cool wicked bad shit went down.
I was reading in Joshua the other day (just the first coupla chapters and no that does not mean I have finished Genesis, I am just skipping ahead - I love that about the Bible!) about how God was going to give him every place that he set his foot. Pretty acebloodytastic stuff in beaucoup trop ways and I would encourage you to dwell ont 'cause I probably won't be spending time exegesing it. Anyways this portion, combined with a friend that has been encouraging me to pray for what lies ahead and claiming it for my own before I get there, plus the fact that at the end of the chapter 2 it talks about the people melting in fear because God will conquer, got me really excited about the idea of seeing Him moving in places where He is not yet and the power of praying for it and seeing it happen. So, during a lull at the kitchen (mid-morning we tend to have a bit of a wait period and I am disadvantaged in the standing around smoking and gossiping stakes on several fronts) I decided to walk all around and pray for the place and the people there and those coming in and for the future that there would be God in da house and a way made for it and all that jazz. Yes it came across as a shuffling mutter but they see that quite a lot there. I was really excited by the idea, particularly in light of some of the progress that I had already seen in the attitudes of the people that worked there (which I am yet to mention but it did happen and was cool). Wanted to see the people's issues left at the door and not picked up again. I was quite up for believing that it would be an effective thing to make a difference - I think that I am such a prime example of prayer working that my propensity to doubt is not as high as my propensity to other things... as Robyn and I were taking about over dinner though, this just leaves more room for other propensities.
Anyways, did I see results? Did I ever! Not exactly what I was expecting mind. It was like the Tracy Chapman song - poor people were rising up and taking what was theirs. There was a new woman working there who had not had the weeks of prayer that had gone down, way back when the last grumpy cow was in charge (no offense intended, just the best description going) and she was overwhelmingly opposed to anyone being, well, happy. The thing in Geneva is that the poor aren't nearly as poor as in other places and half of what we give them is not food so much as a brief place to be and find some love. They got none of that from her and, while they can lack friendliness at times, never have I seen anyone refusing seconds to hungry street walkers when there is plenty there and it is normal policy. It was like she was fighting against joy. Pretty damn stressful actually and it occurred to me that, while I was subject to her direction, God clearly says only follow the law of the land when it does not go against His - and His says clearly in Isaiah 58 (as well as many other places I am sure) about feeding the hungry. Was I Supposed to rebel? I was, after all, holding the spoon... and it was my last day. With a lot of pressure from those talkin' bout a revolution and bit of feeble eventual arguing from me (I like to claim language barrier as an excuse but it doesn't really graduate to reason), she finally gave in a bit for a time, though stayed firmly in the misery camp (the rubbish alternative to the glory camp). Really felt like a "things have been stirred up" situation. If that makes sense. Was cool to watch in a horrifying manner mind, and would defo have made a good music vid for Trace.
Talking about being able (or not) to do pretty awesome/intense stuff in the name of following God's commands: a not very close friend of mine (some guy I met through the reggae crew) that I have in the past had some pretty interesting chats with (where I try not to be judgmental over him putting veganism above sexual purity) totally blew me away today. I have been getting really excited with his coming to church and really getting into God stuff and hearing about breakthroughs in his life. It is really cool actually but I have been awakened to the patronisation of my attitude - it didn't take long to go from new and open to set in ways and condescending did it? Amidst all this "I want to see you coming into God's way like I have" he tells me - when I finally noticed the 5 inch gash down the side of his face and asked about it - that it happened when he brought back a guy from the park to sleep at his place 'cause he had nowhere else to go. The dude attacked him with a knife from his own kitchen! And now he is all Jamaican and relaxed about it and joking about how the next person he meets in the park will just have to stay there! I would be a bit more pissed and a lot more martyr than that.
People really surprise you don't they?
Monday, August 18, 2008
Assorted Talkings - just about my life, not really worth reading if you're not my mum and even then that's pushing it...
I passed the 1,000 mark and didn't even notice. What is going on with me and my blog? I feel like we aren't speaking at the moment...
It has been a busy last few weeks. I went to a wedding yesterday. The pastor graciously agreed to marry them even though they had both been married before - I think it helped that they married each other! One of those rather unique occasions but definitely a LOT of fun. Congratulations Ed and Zoe!
I also went to that wedding in England the other week, as you may recall. 23.5 hours in the country to see and old friend tie the knot. Sorry environment, but I did buy carbon-offsetting! I said to God I wanted it to be worth the effort/expense else I didn't want to go - and you know what, it was! Met/remet some great people and, also, got the chance to wear my Swiss Miss outfit one last time. Yes, I went in costume but it was Chris Lowry's wedding so I think I was allowed... As it happens the whole affair was far less mental than the groom might have implied; but there was one thing they could not control - the location was in a little Kent town named Snodland!
What else? A few friends from England came to visit which was really nice. Did the last touristy stuff, went around GVA, took the boat to cute French town of Yvoire. Lovely stuff. Also meant they took back 60 kg of crap for me. Sadly, though I have already sent back twice as much as I came with, I will be lucky if the last traces fit into 40 kg worth - possibly I should STOP buying things but I saw such a nice top... and skirt... and trousers... for 5 Euros each you can't really say no. Perhaps I am too flippant on an obvious character flaw...?
Life is pretty busy, got a big praise event happening at church the Friday before I leave (if you are in GVA do come, EBCG at 8pm it will be awesome) and what with prepping for that, getting ready (in theory) for leaving the country, doing the last things for the last time and all I am going to pretty much suck at writing. I will still do it, but it will suck.
The last week in Geneva has commenced. No more pub quizzes (not that I went today). No more Mondays. Sadness. I'm not giving it much though though, best way I suppose.
So, see you around for my final observations. I really want to summarise the bits and pieces I have started or hinted at but if I don't get round to it then know that life is pretty good. Busy and crazy and more than a little bit overwhelming at the hugeness of what being a Christian actually means but good nonetheless.
Something funny. A friend of mine went looking for this blog online after it came up in conversation. She sent me a message on Facebook saying that she had tried looking for www.britgotback.blogspot.com but could not find me. Ha ha ha!
That's all folks. Tune in tomorrow for the namesake, something else, or perhaps nothing at all.
It has been a busy last few weeks. I went to a wedding yesterday. The pastor graciously agreed to marry them even though they had both been married before - I think it helped that they married each other! One of those rather unique occasions but definitely a LOT of fun. Congratulations Ed and Zoe!
I also went to that wedding in England the other week, as you may recall. 23.5 hours in the country to see and old friend tie the knot. Sorry environment, but I did buy carbon-offsetting! I said to God I wanted it to be worth the effort/expense else I didn't want to go - and you know what, it was! Met/remet some great people and, also, got the chance to wear my Swiss Miss outfit one last time. Yes, I went in costume but it was Chris Lowry's wedding so I think I was allowed... As it happens the whole affair was far less mental than the groom might have implied; but there was one thing they could not control - the location was in a little Kent town named Snodland!
What else? A few friends from England came to visit which was really nice. Did the last touristy stuff, went around GVA, took the boat to cute French town of Yvoire. Lovely stuff. Also meant they took back 60 kg of crap for me. Sadly, though I have already sent back twice as much as I came with, I will be lucky if the last traces fit into 40 kg worth - possibly I should STOP buying things but I saw such a nice top... and skirt... and trousers... for 5 Euros each you can't really say no. Perhaps I am too flippant on an obvious character flaw...?
Life is pretty busy, got a big praise event happening at church the Friday before I leave (if you are in GVA do come, EBCG at 8pm it will be awesome) and what with prepping for that, getting ready (in theory) for leaving the country, doing the last things for the last time and all I am going to pretty much suck at writing. I will still do it, but it will suck.
The last week in Geneva has commenced. No more pub quizzes (not that I went today). No more Mondays. Sadness. I'm not giving it much though though, best way I suppose.
So, see you around for my final observations. I really want to summarise the bits and pieces I have started or hinted at but if I don't get round to it then know that life is pretty good. Busy and crazy and more than a little bit overwhelming at the hugeness of what being a Christian actually means but good nonetheless.
Something funny. A friend of mine went looking for this blog online after it came up in conversation. She sent me a message on Facebook saying that she had tried looking for www.britgotback.blogspot.com but could not find me. Ha ha ha!
That's all folks. Tune in tomorrow for the namesake, something else, or perhaps nothing at all.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Grace Killers
I was going to write this Monday, then I started another post and got waylaid. Then I was finishing that today when it hit me - if I wrote this first it could be a series...! Don't we all like series?
Anyway. After my questions that originated in the last post I heard a really cool sermon (was going to put a link in to hear it online but it has not been uploaded yet), did some really good chatting with people that cleared up my insecurities some and got a bit of lovely encouragement too, quite unrelated to blog. That was nice. I think maybe, as one person facebooked (as in the verb 'to facebook') me after reading, I have to be able to see the things that are important to keep hold of and let go of the rest. I am trying to put love for others and myself as priority (equally if that is poss), as that is one thing He defo told me (in Paris no less), and hope that it covers all the bases.
I love how stereotypical it is to go to church and get all recharged with what you need to hear; but at the same time it does make sense. I don't mean the whole, go all week without God and get a hit on Sunday to get you through the start of the next week thing, but I do think that fellowship really keeps you battling onwards and as such: yay for mid-week meetings! Anyway, off the point.
The point is, what I got from the sermon made for something cool to share and if I mention it now I can refer back to it in future blogs. T'was about Grace. T'was all good. My fave bit, which I will serialise if I can find examples of all the failings in my own life (shouldn't be too hard!) was the list of grace killers - things that stop you from bring able to "grow" grace in your own life. They are pretty useful so I'll tell you them:
- Traditionalism
- Unrealistic Expectations
- Rules Mentality
- Negativity
- Critical Spirit
- Control Mentality
- Perfectionism
- Competitiveness (oooops!)
- Pettiness
So. They all pretty much jumped out at me but the last one was relevant to the whole 'what to change?' question. As far as pettiness goes, if others are being petty, don't return it with pettiness. If you are holding onto something petty in yourself at the expense of showing love, let it go. That is not me telling you, I'm talking to myself in the third person. Since I wrote last time about identity and what to hold onto, I've found this a pretty helpful reference to know what not to be like.
Oh, something hilarious to share. Well, I thought it was funny. I was talking about hoping to have a small 'party' this week and someone said "I know what a party at Kat(i)e's is going to be like, it'll probably turn into a prayer meeting!" I am not boasting about holiness, I am laughing at the irony of it all. Actually, let's just venture off into praise corner for a minute. They said this last night (Tues) and it was after I had lead the YAGs meeting on 'Praise is a Powerful Weapon'. Which is true and don't forget it and I may well put the notes up here as a way to save writing a post one day. Anyway. Point is, once upon a time (and you may think this is a bad thing) a party at Kat(i)e's would have been far from reputed to turn into a prayer meeting. Now, I want to make it clear that I am super cool and my parties are great fun (even if the last one I had involved scones) but still, talk about a direction change, eh?
So. Lots of things that kill grace. One thing that builds us up. Praise lots, nitpick less.
See you next time for a mention about Unrealistic Expectations; or else something about how I am going to win the blog off if it kills me! (Did you get the joke I made there...?!?)
Anyway. After my questions that originated in the last post I heard a really cool sermon (was going to put a link in to hear it online but it has not been uploaded yet), did some really good chatting with people that cleared up my insecurities some and got a bit of lovely encouragement too, quite unrelated to blog. That was nice. I think maybe, as one person facebooked (as in the verb 'to facebook') me after reading, I have to be able to see the things that are important to keep hold of and let go of the rest. I am trying to put love for others and myself as priority (equally if that is poss), as that is one thing He defo told me (in Paris no less), and hope that it covers all the bases.
I love how stereotypical it is to go to church and get all recharged with what you need to hear; but at the same time it does make sense. I don't mean the whole, go all week without God and get a hit on Sunday to get you through the start of the next week thing, but I do think that fellowship really keeps you battling onwards and as such: yay for mid-week meetings! Anyway, off the point.
The point is, what I got from the sermon made for something cool to share and if I mention it now I can refer back to it in future blogs. T'was about Grace. T'was all good. My fave bit, which I will serialise if I can find examples of all the failings in my own life (shouldn't be too hard!) was the list of grace killers - things that stop you from bring able to "grow" grace in your own life. They are pretty useful so I'll tell you them:
- Traditionalism
- Unrealistic Expectations
- Rules Mentality
- Negativity
- Critical Spirit
- Control Mentality
- Perfectionism
- Competitiveness (oooops!)
- Pettiness
So. They all pretty much jumped out at me but the last one was relevant to the whole 'what to change?' question. As far as pettiness goes, if others are being petty, don't return it with pettiness. If you are holding onto something petty in yourself at the expense of showing love, let it go. That is not me telling you, I'm talking to myself in the third person. Since I wrote last time about identity and what to hold onto, I've found this a pretty helpful reference to know what not to be like.
Oh, something hilarious to share. Well, I thought it was funny. I was talking about hoping to have a small 'party' this week and someone said "I know what a party at Kat(i)e's is going to be like, it'll probably turn into a prayer meeting!" I am not boasting about holiness, I am laughing at the irony of it all. Actually, let's just venture off into praise corner for a minute. They said this last night (Tues) and it was after I had lead the YAGs meeting on 'Praise is a Powerful Weapon'. Which is true and don't forget it and I may well put the notes up here as a way to save writing a post one day. Anyway. Point is, once upon a time (and you may think this is a bad thing) a party at Kat(i)e's would have been far from reputed to turn into a prayer meeting. Now, I want to make it clear that I am super cool and my parties are great fun (even if the last one I had involved scones) but still, talk about a direction change, eh?
So. Lots of things that kill grace. One thing that builds us up. Praise lots, nitpick less.
See you next time for a mention about Unrealistic Expectations; or else something about how I am going to win the blog off if it kills me! (Did you get the joke I made there...?!?)
Saturday, August 9, 2008
If people don't like me they can fuck off... and they do!
For a long time this was my mantra. I lived by it. I wrote it on my Facebook (a sure sign of it's significance). It may even be on my Blogger profile.
Now I don't know.
I have been thinking a lot about where the line is when it comes to changing for other people. This is the major issue that I am dealing with at the moment, having been triggered by various and completely unrelated scenarios and conversations over the last few days.
It is not at all black and white.
I don't like things that are grey. For one thing it suggests uncertainty and that is only bearable for me when it's God imposed (and still frustrating!) and for another, it often requires lots of thinking and processing and organising of those thoughts until I reach a content conclusion.
And I am not quite sure I have ever had to deal (since Jesus) with a question this complex, confusing and potentially upsetting before. Where finding an answer could really affect my outlook and, nay, the need for that answer is quite significant. I can't go through life undecided on this front.
So, having been theoretical and completely vague up till this point, let's have a look see if I can come up with some solid expositions of my dilemma.
Have you ever found something really petty really annoying about other people? I have. Loads of times. I feel bad the amounts I have told people I care about off for eating loudly or blowing thier nose in a funny way. I have also been on the receiving end a fair amount - for example, when I was younger I developed an obsessive sniff that I used to get commented on at school and it also came back in my later teenage years and never really left. This year it has really calmed down to the point that it isn't really a part of my identity anymore, which is really cool. That and other stuffs too (take a moment to, literally, Thank The Lord). These days I am really in the school of thought that tolerance is something that we should show to others and that loving them comes first and foremost, above anything insignificant that they may do to annoy us (Easier said than done: I am a theoriser, not a practical adviser). Isn't it better to deal with frustrations by asking God to help and not to let Satan's little grievances get into out relationships and kill the love (I think one can easily take a secular approach to this and look at trying to be loving to others and just ignore the God/devil bit). So, I am sorry that I ever told you off for stupid habits and I will try and work through it in me instead of expressing it to you when I am pissed off (feel free to hold me accountable too... I will need it). That said, if criticising is something that frustrates me, is that in itself not a rather petty thing? Perhaps I should just take it, so as not to be a hypocrite? [Note: these observations apply to petty habits, not to people that are doing mean shit... then you can have a smackdown.]
The thing is, as I said, I come from a background of receiving criticism over little things which has led me to strongly feel that it is too petty to be worth addressing. Talking with a friend tonight, who is very into personal development, I was opened up to the idea that when someone says something, regardless of how unimportant it seems to you, it is an opportunity to say "I don't want to be the kind of person that does things to annoy you so I will try and change and anyway, it is always good to improve oneself". Interesting approach. I suppose I would probably normally say to myself at the best "I don't like that you just criticised me but I will try and rise above it" or on a tougher day "I don't like that you criticised me and will try and prove to you that it was wrong!". None of those are very love thy neighbour are they... That said, it still does not take into account that people don't have the right to make you feel bad about yourself and one of my biggest grievances with Christianity is the misconstrution that we are to let others walk all over us regardless of how hurtful or just plain in the wrong they are.
But is that misconstrued? Surely turn the other cheek is, basically, just that?
There is a further question to all this. One which goes beyond annoying habits... What if your very personality is one that people around you can't cope with?
This is something i have to deal with on a daily basis!
And there is definitely a not-grey area within which I try to be considerate, at least most of the time. This is one of the main reasons I have given up drinking coffee. And try to, sometimes at least, think before I speak.
But right now I want to draw the line at actively trying to "cure" my condition. This sounds really strange and more than a little confusing but, basically, I am incredibly obtuse at times. And loud and overt and intense. [And, I will concede, absolutely loveable - to some of the people some of the time.] This is all to the point that it is widely assumed (and as yet half-diagnosed) that I have ADHD. (I publish this a day late and since writing have had a total stranger ask me if I was after 5 minutes of conversation.) Which isn't something that I particularly feel comfortable writing on the internet but it explains best what I am getting at and is something I would end up telling almost anyone if it came up in conversation anyway, so isn't a big secret. The point it it's part of me, there are definitely good sides to it, God seems to be showing me ways to help with the negatives but in some ways I could definitely be easier on everyone if I were to take the pills everyday and actually want to be different (which actually, I do sometimes but I rather think that ties in with fluctuating self-esteem issues - that is a whole aside about which came first and could be quite relevant to my answer were I to be able to formulate my thoughts).
I may find out one day that I am not ADHD, which to be honest would be a bit shit because then I have no excuse at all and would have to face my inadequacy at studying without getting any tools or having excuses. Still, the dilemma would stand. How much of me must I change in order that I do have functioning relationships with others? Does the old wives tale that "if your friends want you to be different they don't really care about you and aren't worth it" really stand? And what about "you should only change for yourself, no-one else"?? Am I just being selfish to even want to stay as I am and be accepted for it and foolish to think that maybe people should be challenged on what they expect others to conform to...?
The problem of bad experiences rise again. I have know criticism from people that, after all, probably didn't have my best interests at heart. Ergo, I now want to fight to the death for my right to be who I am. Bang my own drum as it were. Have I let the attacks just cause me to be blind to my faults and defend in an over sensitive manner things that would just make sense to let go of? Or am I just more aware of the question because I have had to give it some proper thought?
My true identity is in Christ and there are lots of ways in which I can justify compromising certain aspects of my verbosity in order to encompass love and compassion and perseverance and what not. But so many of these things don't seem to fit into a camp of 'good-Christian' or 'bad-Christian'. I don't want to change so that I can have friends (I do have some friendships by the way, I am writing more from an aspect of concern for their health and continued existence!), it goes against every bone in my body. Yet, everyone needs friends right? Perhaps even a "significant other" one-day (was at a hen 'do' today and one has to concede at least that perhaps there are some benefits to boyfriends). A blog isn't really enough and if it were to mean functioning relationships in my life is it not a worthwhile sacrifice? We always have to give things up for those we love, I know that. So why not who we are...
When it comes down to it, if everyone does fuck off, would it have been worth holding onto my "identity"?
P.S. I wrote this quite tired and stressed. I had a really good Sunday and will try and do a follow up post tomorrow (that is Mon) to bring in some less self-defacing thoughts and some truly fabulous things that I learnt. Question still stands though, just take the negativity with a pinch of salt.
Now I don't know.
I have been thinking a lot about where the line is when it comes to changing for other people. This is the major issue that I am dealing with at the moment, having been triggered by various and completely unrelated scenarios and conversations over the last few days.
It is not at all black and white.
I don't like things that are grey. For one thing it suggests uncertainty and that is only bearable for me when it's God imposed (and still frustrating!) and for another, it often requires lots of thinking and processing and organising of those thoughts until I reach a content conclusion.
And I am not quite sure I have ever had to deal (since Jesus) with a question this complex, confusing and potentially upsetting before. Where finding an answer could really affect my outlook and, nay, the need for that answer is quite significant. I can't go through life undecided on this front.
So, having been theoretical and completely vague up till this point, let's have a look see if I can come up with some solid expositions of my dilemma.
Have you ever found something really petty really annoying about other people? I have. Loads of times. I feel bad the amounts I have told people I care about off for eating loudly or blowing thier nose in a funny way. I have also been on the receiving end a fair amount - for example, when I was younger I developed an obsessive sniff that I used to get commented on at school and it also came back in my later teenage years and never really left. This year it has really calmed down to the point that it isn't really a part of my identity anymore, which is really cool. That and other stuffs too (take a moment to, literally, Thank The Lord). These days I am really in the school of thought that tolerance is something that we should show to others and that loving them comes first and foremost, above anything insignificant that they may do to annoy us (Easier said than done: I am a theoriser, not a practical adviser). Isn't it better to deal with frustrations by asking God to help and not to let Satan's little grievances get into out relationships and kill the love (I think one can easily take a secular approach to this and look at trying to be loving to others and just ignore the God/devil bit). So, I am sorry that I ever told you off for stupid habits and I will try and work through it in me instead of expressing it to you when I am pissed off (feel free to hold me accountable too... I will need it). That said, if criticising is something that frustrates me, is that in itself not a rather petty thing? Perhaps I should just take it, so as not to be a hypocrite? [Note: these observations apply to petty habits, not to people that are doing mean shit... then you can have a smackdown.]
The thing is, as I said, I come from a background of receiving criticism over little things which has led me to strongly feel that it is too petty to be worth addressing. Talking with a friend tonight, who is very into personal development, I was opened up to the idea that when someone says something, regardless of how unimportant it seems to you, it is an opportunity to say "I don't want to be the kind of person that does things to annoy you so I will try and change and anyway, it is always good to improve oneself". Interesting approach. I suppose I would probably normally say to myself at the best "I don't like that you just criticised me but I will try and rise above it" or on a tougher day "I don't like that you criticised me and will try and prove to you that it was wrong!". None of those are very love thy neighbour are they... That said, it still does not take into account that people don't have the right to make you feel bad about yourself and one of my biggest grievances with Christianity is the misconstrution that we are to let others walk all over us regardless of how hurtful or just plain in the wrong they are.
But is that misconstrued? Surely turn the other cheek is, basically, just that?
There is a further question to all this. One which goes beyond annoying habits... What if your very personality is one that people around you can't cope with?
This is something i have to deal with on a daily basis!
And there is definitely a not-grey area within which I try to be considerate, at least most of the time. This is one of the main reasons I have given up drinking coffee. And try to, sometimes at least, think before I speak.
But right now I want to draw the line at actively trying to "cure" my condition. This sounds really strange and more than a little confusing but, basically, I am incredibly obtuse at times. And loud and overt and intense. [And, I will concede, absolutely loveable - to some of the people some of the time.] This is all to the point that it is widely assumed (and as yet half-diagnosed) that I have ADHD. (I publish this a day late and since writing have had a total stranger ask me if I was after 5 minutes of conversation.) Which isn't something that I particularly feel comfortable writing on the internet but it explains best what I am getting at and is something I would end up telling almost anyone if it came up in conversation anyway, so isn't a big secret. The point it it's part of me, there are definitely good sides to it, God seems to be showing me ways to help with the negatives but in some ways I could definitely be easier on everyone if I were to take the pills everyday and actually want to be different (which actually, I do sometimes but I rather think that ties in with fluctuating self-esteem issues - that is a whole aside about which came first and could be quite relevant to my answer were I to be able to formulate my thoughts).
I may find out one day that I am not ADHD, which to be honest would be a bit shit because then I have no excuse at all and would have to face my inadequacy at studying without getting any tools or having excuses. Still, the dilemma would stand. How much of me must I change in order that I do have functioning relationships with others? Does the old wives tale that "if your friends want you to be different they don't really care about you and aren't worth it" really stand? And what about "you should only change for yourself, no-one else"?? Am I just being selfish to even want to stay as I am and be accepted for it and foolish to think that maybe people should be challenged on what they expect others to conform to...?
The problem of bad experiences rise again. I have know criticism from people that, after all, probably didn't have my best interests at heart. Ergo, I now want to fight to the death for my right to be who I am. Bang my own drum as it were. Have I let the attacks just cause me to be blind to my faults and defend in an over sensitive manner things that would just make sense to let go of? Or am I just more aware of the question because I have had to give it some proper thought?
My true identity is in Christ and there are lots of ways in which I can justify compromising certain aspects of my verbosity in order to encompass love and compassion and perseverance and what not. But so many of these things don't seem to fit into a camp of 'good-Christian' or 'bad-Christian'. I don't want to change so that I can have friends (I do have some friendships by the way, I am writing more from an aspect of concern for their health and continued existence!), it goes against every bone in my body. Yet, everyone needs friends right? Perhaps even a "significant other" one-day (was at a hen 'do' today and one has to concede at least that perhaps there are some benefits to boyfriends). A blog isn't really enough and if it were to mean functioning relationships in my life is it not a worthwhile sacrifice? We always have to give things up for those we love, I know that. So why not who we are...
When it comes down to it, if everyone does fuck off, would it have been worth holding onto my "identity"?
P.S. I wrote this quite tired and stressed. I had a really good Sunday and will try and do a follow up post tomorrow (that is Mon) to bring in some less self-defacing thoughts and some truly fabulous things that I learnt. Question still stands though, just take the negativity with a pinch of salt.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Watcha Gonna Do With All That Junk?
I wonder if the reason I find it so hard to get rid of junk is 'cause if I did I may then realise it was time to clear out things that actually have some value. Like, holding onto the clothes labels that I may never have to deal with sorting out my wardrobe.
Is it like that inside? I try and get rid of my junk but I think that perhaps all I have done is the food waste and plastic wrappers - nothing I would feel pushed to keep anyway. What if really I am harbouring vast amounts of space wasters that I am not wanting to let go of in case I then have to move on to things I actually care about.
Sometimes I wish Jesus had sinned, just so I would feel less bad about myself giving in to temptation when He did not. But then, that would kinda defy the point right? Praise the Lord for being holier than thou.
In positive light, I got rid of half a carton of labels t'other day, and gave away a pair of trousers. I am serious about wanting to lose the crap inside too. Just got to get it together. Preferably before I pack my trunk.
I probably do give myself a bit of a hard time mind. There are some pretty huge things that have changed in recent times and I must stop being so down on myself as a default mode. (Especially with grace flying about in abundance.) Thus enters: Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.
A note on CTB. It is a very classic thing to do, think yourself happy. I say classic in the sense of modern (prize for anyone that knows how my mind works on that one!) and totally widely accepted and, I've always thought, valid enough probably. Except, I never really got round to doing it successfully - for one thing where's the motivation when you don't really care about anything enough? But now I kinda know* it is true. Logically convincing oneself into a better state of mind. Over and over. Constant repetition. Over and over. In fact, one could say, persevering. Duh, check out the bible for that one. I think I may have said this before, it is kinda a relevant concept for me: keeping going with the whole getting there eventually thing. In increasing measure. Little by little as it were. Take it in conjunction with this to really see the promised benefits. And don't forget that God does all the helping... I am not sure that the ellipses do this reference justice given that, as far as I am concerned, it is the one thing that takes the therapists' theory into the realm of possibility, given how likely we are to continuously fall into familiar thought habits.
Wow, it's a veritable bible study today! I am getting in practise for the next YAGs (did I ever explain what that is?) as I am leading it on the topic of praise and worship and may even be playing the guitar (God help them all!).
For how I am feeling in myself, check out Darryl's latest blog. He really hit that nail square.
Laters,
K
*within the realms of what I take as given in my faith.
Is it like that inside? I try and get rid of my junk but I think that perhaps all I have done is the food waste and plastic wrappers - nothing I would feel pushed to keep anyway. What if really I am harbouring vast amounts of space wasters that I am not wanting to let go of in case I then have to move on to things I actually care about.
Sometimes I wish Jesus had sinned, just so I would feel less bad about myself giving in to temptation when He did not. But then, that would kinda defy the point right? Praise the Lord for being holier than thou.
In positive light, I got rid of half a carton of labels t'other day, and gave away a pair of trousers. I am serious about wanting to lose the crap inside too. Just got to get it together. Preferably before I pack my trunk.
I probably do give myself a bit of a hard time mind. There are some pretty huge things that have changed in recent times and I must stop being so down on myself as a default mode. (Especially with grace flying about in abundance.) Thus enters: Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.
A note on CTB. It is a very classic thing to do, think yourself happy. I say classic in the sense of modern (prize for anyone that knows how my mind works on that one!) and totally widely accepted and, I've always thought, valid enough probably. Except, I never really got round to doing it successfully - for one thing where's the motivation when you don't really care about anything enough? But now I kinda know* it is true. Logically convincing oneself into a better state of mind. Over and over. Constant repetition. Over and over. In fact, one could say, persevering. Duh, check out the bible for that one. I think I may have said this before, it is kinda a relevant concept for me: keeping going with the whole getting there eventually thing. In increasing measure. Little by little as it were. Take it in conjunction with this to really see the promised benefits. And don't forget that God does all the helping... I am not sure that the ellipses do this reference justice given that, as far as I am concerned, it is the one thing that takes the therapists' theory into the realm of possibility, given how likely we are to continuously fall into familiar thought habits.
Wow, it's a veritable bible study today! I am getting in practise for the next YAGs (did I ever explain what that is?) as I am leading it on the topic of praise and worship and may even be playing the guitar (God help them all!).
For how I am feeling in myself, check out Darryl's latest blog. He really hit that nail square.
Laters,
K
*within the realms of what I take as given in my faith.
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