War of Intuition: A Platonistic, Non-Foundational Approach to Maths

So I have a title (for my big nasty essay). It's far too pretentious to keep but I like it for now. My thought is that maths as we know it is just a shadow of the truth, that we can use different and overlapping theories (pluralities, sets etc) as analogies but that we can never fully get the right picture and that is because the truth is outside of our "set" or "language" and so we cannot fully comprehend. Like with Plato and his good old shadows of Forms or, I don't know, say Paul and his poor reflections.

Analogies, allegories, parables... they all seem to serve a good purpose. It's kinda the way of the world and not just a communication tool. Maybe it's just me "seeing" semblances of truth in everything I do and the stretching it to a contentious metaphor but it seems that everywhere there are signs of something else, something bigger: hair cuts, Disney songs, a moment with a friend, a great picture, a poem, a cool proof, a new political appointment (OK I am a bit Obama-happy right now!), a mundane task or a speed limit on the motorway. We can see some great truth in a million different tiny things and it's like some kind of set hierarchy when the little extends to the big. Or a fractal where it just keeps getting reiterated larger and larger but always the same basic form. Or when, maybe you glimpse eternity 'cause of a perfect shopping trip or well-timed doctors appointment. All these things are made of something bigger.

Now. All I have to do is express this without relying on the bible to backup what I say. More to the point, I have to rely on stuff that is far more complicated and bizarre (which is saying something) and show some kind of pretense that I know what any of that jazz is about, without talking too much about Cheerios or saying "well, Duh, it's obvious...". Which is hard 'cause that seems to be all that the proper Philosophers do.

But I do have a temporary title, which is sort-of progress.

A Discovery of Deception

I was just now thinking about what it is that's so hard about struggles. Life struggles, faith struggles, dealing with personal issues or just being motivated to live in all fullness. Just anything hard really.

And I discovered a LIE! You know one of those things that you just think without realising that it is a load of bollocks.

When I get demotivated, which is quite a lot actually, it feels like I am wasting life. I know I am doing wrong when I seek comfort in bad places (I've tried quite a few in my time and though my vices are less these days there are still plenty of things that get me, some more that others. Like blocking out reality by going on line, or comfort eating...) and generally don't live up to God's perfect ideal. Which really sucks.

Then of course enters the knowledge that I really need to sort out my self discipline. It is biblical and good (especially for managing time which is of utmost importance to me and also something that Mrs P31, my inspiration, did). It gives one self control instead of letting worldly things take over. Fasting is SUCH a good example, it can bring me out of a fleshly plane and helps me focus on the spiritual realm a bit more.

But something was going majorly wrong.

I've been a bit run down spiritually, going up'n'down in a mostly usual way but it has been growing slowly more negative as the low moments are becoming longer. I often put this kind of thing down to when God is doing cool stuff in and/or through me and the debil does not like it. Makes sense of late, life is pretty intense and exciting on many fronts...

So I have been really fixated on the goal of self-control as being my key to unlocking this depression. Like, getting out of bed on time, eating sensibly, setting goals for work and other such targets. All the stuff that I know works, is biblically sound and therapistically too come to think of it. Forming a habit and then inhabiting the form (Don'tcha love that?).

But I missed the point entire and I think that perhaps this kinda stems from the fact that I looked at the psychology and having noted that it's *like* the bible followed it instead; forgetting that the bible is the first truth and how things that looks like it are a semblance or a shadow of the truth. Likely to break down in their validity at some point, as they forget about my omnipotent God.

'Cause the thing that makes no sense is that when the moment is at it's most crucial - where every decision is hardest and the easiest things to do become huge goals; going to a lecture is a day's worth of achievement and getting a coursework actually completed and handed in on time feels like it should last a week; having a single positive thought feels like you have won some prize but the balance can tip in an instant - that is when I am supposed to exert self-control. It's already impressive to be disciplined when life is hunky dorey and I make the choice to get up before 9, wash, read, go to uni, pray, be slightly organised and tidy and make the most of most of my time. To then put my emotions at the other end of the scale where getting up at all becomes an achievement and turning up late to a seminar feels like I deserve a first class degree and THEN say I need to train myself into positive habits... Now THAT really is akin to getting a camel - a very miserable and stubborn camel - out of a big pit of mirey clay and telling it to understand Second Order Logic.

Duh. This isn't Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I am not supposed to be "training" myself to do anything.

I've just seen that what I've been trying to do is akin to using Will Power and thus living in my own strength. By sneakily disguising it under the name self-control which we all know is a good thing Satan can bring in an incredible amount of pain to a struggle that is supposed to be easy to bear. That verse in 2 Peter, "make every effort..." doesn't mean you "try on your own". We cannot do these things by own own strength. This self-control that helps us live a Godly life, it is one of the fruits of the Spirit and it is funny how utterly subtly I just forgot that these are given to us and not something we work for. We must desire it but we do not have to DO a single thing to receive it.

Those who hope in the Lord WILL renew their strength and rise up on wings like eagles.
I hope so I will. I don't will to have hope.

Don't Be Happy For Me

It’s kinda hard for anyone to miss the fact that my life has changed. Ask anyone that knew me before I went to Geneva, before I found Jesus, before the light, and they will say that I am a hell of a lot happier. Well, they may not say “hell”, that would depend on who’s talking; and the word happier is a very deceptive one because it conveys more of an instantaneous emotion and doesn’t necessarily suggest depth. They tend to mean content, satisfied, a changed state of mind, I see it a bit like what the Ancient Greeks called eudaimonia and were all searching for (I like the wiki "human flourishing"). Anyway, the simple truth of it is that they have seen the Joy I found. Joy that supersedes the instantaneous emotions and drastically changes my outlook (I hope the verses don't seem too tenuous. I can't go into explaining them all now, this is just background). Joy that gives me strength. Joy, evidence of The Spirit, that brings me back to life.

I used to be angry. I used to be miserable. I used to make decisions that did not value me and would treat other people with equal disappreciation. I was selfish and yet had no self-respect. I used to get demotivated very easily, struggle a great deal to even get up in the morning and I hated switching my mind on in case the thoughts were too much to deal with. I spent all my cognitive energies on obsessive behaviour and would get caught up in depression with no way out. I used to scare people. I used to be scared by people. I used to scare myself. I had bought into the lies of the world to a terrifying degree and had a very inappropriate sense of humour. Most of these things have changed…! I still wear silly clothes a lot of the time and don't always quite know when to stop but, meh, you got to be true to yourself. I am a lot more grateful for everything now and let’s not forget the joy.

You know what? People have actually noticed. I’m not saying I have been giving a great testimony all the time, I’ve made some pretty major mistakes already and struggle with always conveying the truth of which I am not at all proud. Yet even with all this, close friends, old acquaintances even departmental secretaries see it.

But let me tell you what pisses me off. When people say “I’m really happy for you.”

OK, if you’re a Christian I think you can get away with it. Though perhaps, again with the “happy”, that’s a bit of an instantaneous and easily quashed emotion. My favourite reaction was from an old flatmate who said I should have a party when I got back. I liked that one – a ‘Kat(i)e Got Saved’ party with the tag line “because the angels are doing it”. It’s a bit fat rejoicement.

But if you’re not a Christian then why, in heaven or on earth, would you be glad? Don’t you see, I haven’t found something that “works for me”. I am single minded in my belief that what I have found is the truth and that if you are not in agreement you must, quite simply, be wrong.

I don’t judge you (will save that for if you become one of "us") but seriously, isn’t it the most patronising thing you ever heard that I pray for you and care to see you find the same thing. But it is clearly explicit in the Bible that Jesus is THE ONLY WAY and if I tell you I’m a Christian I am saying I believe this very thing: I am right you are wrong and I can’t be persuaded to compromise. I won’t always ram it down your throat but I can’t help having it as a very predominant silent thought most of the time. Unless I’m in a bitchy mood then surely that’s even worse – that I stop caring?

I’m not actually trying to persuade you to stop being friends with me now that I am crazy. I just want you to realise that being happy for me is stupid – what I have found only truly works for me if it works for everyone, so either I am deluded and you ought to be worried for me or I am right and you ought to be worried for yourself.

A Mini Self-Assessment

Technically this counts as Thursdays post cause I haven't gone to bed yet. Plus it is 5 to midnight UK time and I am getting myself readjusted.

So, what's been going down. A good bit of miraculous peace which is nice, yesterday I got all kinds of things done in a really chilled manner including making 'business cards' and fitting in my last Starbucks (made an exception for old times sake) with good friends using vouchers that another good friend gave me for my birthday and I only just found! Anna threw Robyn and I a going away 'share a song' party in the eve, which I was of course fashionably late for. It was lovely and I found myself just enjoying every minute and not thinking about the end. Just having a great last week which is exactly what I was worried would not happen so am very grateful. AND Sheila gave us both fabulous Ghanaian dresses (which Robyn is cheekily calling Moomoos!) so that was lovely :-D.

Today on the other hand I have had my bitchy mean judgmental ungraceful tendencies come out in full force. Not the only thing I have been learning about this week but a key lesson which I failed immeasurable times in all situations and, well, sorry. To everyone and particularly God. Why is it that we can know and vow how to be but it is so easy to slip? I rather felt t'other day some stuff about needing to have a servant heart (more ont another time, maybe) and I think perhaps the next stage of this journey I am on will be in learning humility and love, and in finding that through practical offerings.

'Cause the thing is, this year I learnt to love myself and appreciate who God has made me and be uplifted and encouraged in my giftings and character. Thank you for that, everyone who has added to the stockpile, it really was very gratefully received. Now it is time for me to see that, though I am fabulous and can do lots of things, the first call is to be last. I need to be humble before I can be great for God. If in discernment I judge it is better not to be discernful. If in leading I take control it is better to follow. If in any earthly gifting I get vain it is better do unglamorous mediocre things in secret - Yuck.

I am having to transition from someone who is just discovering faith and getting away with certain things to learning what really isn't appropriate. From misfiring sometimes to taking responsibility for thinking and caring more about those around me. From uncontained naïve excitement to directed encouragement. From passion for change to compassion for the chained. I am growing, I think, but it is not that easy or fun and boy do I suck at it.

Still, there are many rewards waiting on the other side. I can't help thinking of Abraham and Isaac when I think I am giving something up for God. It is hard to say "I will do this for you because I love you and you have called me to" when there is a constant niggle adding "and if you do then He will bless right back atcha". This whole religion thing really isn't altruistic is it? Giving stuff up is SO a personal gain its untrue. It annoys me but then, you can't really get away from your own thought failings. It is so true that God knows us better than we do 'cause even when I want to be genuine I can find myself kidding myself. I think.

I wish I was still a baby. Approaching the 3 month rebirthday on Monday and I have to say, it has been exponential. Don't get me wrong, still very much a newbie, just with less excuses than before. Hmmmm... all good shit though :-)


P.S. I am aware that I wrote a post about wanting to be humble. Seems perhaps the wrong place to start...? But as Sara told me, Moses was the humblest man on the face of the earth - check out this reference for evidence (if you go in for the bible that it) - yet he was the very dude that wrote the Book of Numbers!

P.P.S. While writing about humility may not be a huge error, potentially comparing myself to Moses may well be! I hope this doesn't come across like it reads...!