Extendability and Extensionality are very similar words. They mean very different things: the former that if you ever have any set you can generate another from it; the latter that if two collections have identical members then they themselves are the same.
This was the confusion with my essay. Particularly confusing as in different contexts both were paired (as potential axioms) with two other concepts: Totality and Comprehension respectively, which are not very similar words at all but both mean basically the same thing - that if "some" (starting at zero) things share a common property we can bunch them together as a collection or set. (If you want to know the difference between a set and a collection then you'll have to read my coursework... available on demand after 4pm next Friday, lol! Needless to say, a set is NOT a completed collection.)
At some indeterminate point, possibly inconsistently, I ended up merging the first two things together... ending up last week at a total logical impasse and having to give up writing and get an extension. I got all muddled and, well, there was no way I could find the answer myself in all that mess. Yet, having spoken to my tutor for all of 5 seconds, it was SO CLEAR what was wrong. Duh.
Sometimes we really need people in the know that can speak into our lives. I was well stressed about asking for help but when I did everything was sorted out in an instant. We have to be prepared to listen though and I only was when I got desperate!
This was the answer to so much prayer. Not just that I would be able to get clarity but that I would be able to fully rescue my theories. I liked my essay plan so much, I didn't want it to be wrong but there was just no way, when I broke down every stage into the purest logic known to anally-accurate-mankind, that it could be redeemed. Then, in an instant, all the seeming impossibility was ejected and I was back in the game! There was no hope and then there was loads. It didn't matter that in my mind there was no way back... He just pulled something unexpected and totally unpredictable out of the bag and: Hey presto! Magic. Yet, actually just life.
Always keep in mind that something you don't know about yet could make everything entirely different in an instant.
Lots of other cool things happened this week... but they are a secret!
Showing posts with label Hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hope. Show all posts
Friday, February 13, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Inspired by a Fictional Nun
New developments in the never ending saga that is my Philosophy essay (my, what a boring saga that is) are underway so I suppose I had better fill you in on where things got left off, a week ago tonight, when I realised that despite all the hope in the world I was not going to get it done... I'm finally sharing the relevant parts of the post I wrote last weekend before I went slightly awol and had to wait till I was back in the game so it wasn't false enthusiasm. Here goes:
Jean Jacques Rousseau may have had ADHD but I bet he didn't have deadlines
Ok. A side note. I am starting think that my attitude of "I can't but it's OK 'cause God can" may have been slightly self-defeating and perhaps not the most helpful. Not allowing for the idea that God's input might come from who I've already been created as, instead of all success arriving in an external miraculous bang. I was so sure that CBT is science's discovery of faith, I forgot I can still have faith in myself. Not in myself to be great objectively but in myself as made in the image of a clever, creative God. So I will take that and move ahead with a different outlook, thanks to some good chats with my mum. Believing in God doesn't mean I should stop believing in me, I am after all a subset (part of the body of Christ) and therefore the first implies the second!
But that lesson is a part of what God has been doing and so I can't regret not applying it sooner. I must simply look at what has come to pass and learn from it... and this seems to be one of many things to learn.
As it stands I have an extension till next Friday (20th) and many thanks for the support from my university. My tutor told me weeks ago that Jean Jacques Rousseau (bit of a fave of mine and from Geneva don'tcha know!) had ADHD and he just managed it with working on loads of things at once... when it went a bit tits up I said to him that thing what I wrote above and he totally agreed and has been really helpful. I have an ace doctor and everyone seems to want to facilitate my "special needs" so that, even though I do hate it, at least I can get over myself and ask for help.
It has been pretty irritating that I am still in this place. Still not secure in my ability to succeed, still not being able to socialise freely (though I have some amazingly support friends and family so that is cool), still under pressure. Still totally dependent...
But I have come to the conclusion that that is where God wants me. Indeed, this whole "I'd rather not, but..." attitude is *quite* silly I realise. If it is what God is doing then absolutely it is the best place to be so I have got to stop begrudgingly accepting those things that I would not choose for myself as some kind of self-sacrificing act. His purpose being worked out is the only sensible option to seek and to be anything other than totally grateful is a bit ridiculous... especially as the occurrence of things you would tend to avoid must be when God has specially put them in place to make sure they happen, meaning He is making a specific personal effort in our lives so that we get what we need. Ergo, thanks for everything!
So actually, last Thursday night life was alright. I won't say I was amazing and had complete integrity, I had a big moment where I panicked and despaired and was grateful for a wise sister to speak truths into my life, but I then found this miraculous peace and the joy I had spoken of earlier that day. Which was not me. That is, it didn't come from within.
The reason I say that is 'cause I have been in this place before. As I alluded to, the semi-diagnosis of ADHD has been no surprise because every year since I can remember, whenever "deadline time" came round, my world would fall apart. It's the reason I failed at uni my first first year, then had minor breakdowns the next two years, then took a gap year (where my world was rocked!) to take a breather. I have so many memories of "night before" 's even from before my GCSE's (school at age 14-16): that feeling of panic, despair, resolution, apathy. I had all these techniques (one of my favourites being clothes shopping in ASDA at midnight) for escape or distraction. It became the scariest thing in the world as time slowly brings round the moment where you know it is all on the line and you almost certainly can't make it better. I had so much fear in being a student and having to face this. I love the idea of academia but I just stopped being able to cope with attainment.
So coming back to uni, finally with clarity about why this happens and "fortunately" with a new found faith, I knew what I had to do was trust in God. Trust Him to find me treatment, trust Him to be my treatment, trust (this was a whisper but was never a truly considerable fact) that if I failed it would be the right thing. When I had my first presentation that required me to read and understand this really difficult subject I felt like if it didn't happen all my faith would die, because I knew I was so dependent on His help - it just about came together. The second time I knew it would be horrible but that it would happen and I could feel how my faith was growing. (I have this great analogy to do with my broken shower. If I never end up giving it then do ask me in person.) This essay at the end of the course became the crux of the issue. Those tiny other things all building up to this big moment where all my hope is pinned on Him and how knowing Him changes my life: from failure and despair to success and delight.
And I couldn't do it. Not even a bit, the bottom fell out of my point leaving me with no hope of reformulating my essay over night. I don't understand anything else in this course at all so this was the only hope for... AND, the amazing part is, I was glad.
In the run up to Friday I was learning A LOT. In particular seeing how my faith did not depend on finite, here and now successes, 'cause the really important stuff is the eternal. It went through my mind as I wrote about this then that actually, perhaps the only was I would know this to be true is if I could experience it. Don't tell me I sabotaged myself, believe me I was all about closure on this baby, but I can SO see how God knew this would be right for me. For one thing, now I know for a fact that my faith is bigger than what my degree has thus far chucked at me. This is a milestone in intimacy and security with God. This is truly astounding!
'Cause knowing Him does change my life. It change the very definition of failure and it wipes out capacity for distress. This is where peace that passes understanding comes from. Following Jesus isn't about life going better; sometimes it's even worse (caged animals don't get hunted). It's about what is important being so utterly altered that in the face of anything horrible, joy can flow. Only one thing we know cannot be touched by the world but that is the only thing that matters anyway - our way to God and the relationship that is enabled because of that.
I think that God is picking off my fears one at at time. To steal an ideal from Mother Superior in 'The Sound of Music' (for which I will not apologise), you cannot escape your fears by running away (back to the Abbey). Even if you run to God, you can't then expect everything to no longer be there, you have to face them. So, like Maria with Captain Von Trapp, I see that God has been doing just that in me. He isn't always going to be our hiding place. There as a refuge, we must then take the strength He gives that enables us to face our fear, so that it can never again have a hold, no matter how dangerous our surroundings.
I used to be afraid of rejection, so I had to experience it in my post-tenebras era (I didn't even intend to put myself on the line... I suppose that was the point!); I hated the idea of performing in public in case I sucked, so when I did, I did! (the Halloween gig, I'm not exaggerating it was *quite* a disaster but it didn't actually matter!); I dreaded disappointment so it just kept coming 'til I realised that I have hope in more important things... now I stare failure in the face and I don't even flinch. Well, not at this minute anyway. I don't suppose I am done with as yet! The point is, though, that these things may seem scary and like nothing has changed but because I am different they don't have the same effect, the power is taken away.
So I can look back at those times, see what it was God has done, and be actually grateful. As my friend Jenny points out, maybe I am sometimes just analysing too much and need to wait till I get a complete perspective from the vantage point of being further up the road. (She didn't say it exactly like that but poetic license...!) It is true. I now get what was happening then, I feel like I may understand what happened last Thursday night, I have no idea what will possibly be the net result of this whole affair (nay my life!) but I can rest assured that it will be totally the best thing 'cause that is what God promised.
So I am setting myself against "I'd rather not, but..." 's, not because I think that it is possible for me to achieve that amazing holy status by making the decision to, but because I haven't actually got a clue what my alternatives really are and I don't want to begrudge, even for a moment, what amazing progress God has in store... I mean look at Maria: she married a rich, sexy captain who could sing!
Jean Jacques Rousseau may have had ADHD but I bet he didn't have deadlines
Ok. A side note. I am starting think that my attitude of "I can't but it's OK 'cause God can" may have been slightly self-defeating and perhaps not the most helpful. Not allowing for the idea that God's input might come from who I've already been created as, instead of all success arriving in an external miraculous bang. I was so sure that CBT is science's discovery of faith, I forgot I can still have faith in myself. Not in myself to be great objectively but in myself as made in the image of a clever, creative God. So I will take that and move ahead with a different outlook, thanks to some good chats with my mum. Believing in God doesn't mean I should stop believing in me, I am after all a subset (part of the body of Christ) and therefore the first implies the second!
But that lesson is a part of what God has been doing and so I can't regret not applying it sooner. I must simply look at what has come to pass and learn from it... and this seems to be one of many things to learn.
As it stands I have an extension till next Friday (20th) and many thanks for the support from my university. My tutor told me weeks ago that Jean Jacques Rousseau (bit of a fave of mine and from Geneva don'tcha know!) had ADHD and he just managed it with working on loads of things at once... when it went a bit tits up I said to him that thing what I wrote above and he totally agreed and has been really helpful. I have an ace doctor and everyone seems to want to facilitate my "special needs" so that, even though I do hate it, at least I can get over myself and ask for help.
It has been pretty irritating that I am still in this place. Still not secure in my ability to succeed, still not being able to socialise freely (though I have some amazingly support friends and family so that is cool), still under pressure. Still totally dependent...
But I have come to the conclusion that that is where God wants me. Indeed, this whole "I'd rather not, but..." attitude is *quite* silly I realise. If it is what God is doing then absolutely it is the best place to be so I have got to stop begrudgingly accepting those things that I would not choose for myself as some kind of self-sacrificing act. His purpose being worked out is the only sensible option to seek and to be anything other than totally grateful is a bit ridiculous... especially as the occurrence of things you would tend to avoid must be when God has specially put them in place to make sure they happen, meaning He is making a specific personal effort in our lives so that we get what we need. Ergo, thanks for everything!
So actually, last Thursday night life was alright. I won't say I was amazing and had complete integrity, I had a big moment where I panicked and despaired and was grateful for a wise sister to speak truths into my life, but I then found this miraculous peace and the joy I had spoken of earlier that day. Which was not me. That is, it didn't come from within.
The reason I say that is 'cause I have been in this place before. As I alluded to, the semi-diagnosis of ADHD has been no surprise because every year since I can remember, whenever "deadline time" came round, my world would fall apart. It's the reason I failed at uni my first first year, then had minor breakdowns the next two years, then took a gap year (where my world was rocked!) to take a breather. I have so many memories of "night before" 's even from before my GCSE's (school at age 14-16): that feeling of panic, despair, resolution, apathy. I had all these techniques (one of my favourites being clothes shopping in ASDA at midnight) for escape or distraction. It became the scariest thing in the world as time slowly brings round the moment where you know it is all on the line and you almost certainly can't make it better. I had so much fear in being a student and having to face this. I love the idea of academia but I just stopped being able to cope with attainment.
So coming back to uni, finally with clarity about why this happens and "fortunately" with a new found faith, I knew what I had to do was trust in God. Trust Him to find me treatment, trust Him to be my treatment, trust (this was a whisper but was never a truly considerable fact) that if I failed it would be the right thing. When I had my first presentation that required me to read and understand this really difficult subject I felt like if it didn't happen all my faith would die, because I knew I was so dependent on His help - it just about came together. The second time I knew it would be horrible but that it would happen and I could feel how my faith was growing. (I have this great analogy to do with my broken shower. If I never end up giving it then do ask me in person.) This essay at the end of the course became the crux of the issue. Those tiny other things all building up to this big moment where all my hope is pinned on Him and how knowing Him changes my life: from failure and despair to success and delight.
And I couldn't do it. Not even a bit, the bottom fell out of my point leaving me with no hope of reformulating my essay over night. I don't understand anything else in this course at all so this was the only hope for... AND, the amazing part is, I was glad.
In the run up to Friday I was learning A LOT. In particular seeing how my faith did not depend on finite, here and now successes, 'cause the really important stuff is the eternal. It went through my mind as I wrote about this then that actually, perhaps the only was I would know this to be true is if I could experience it. Don't tell me I sabotaged myself, believe me I was all about closure on this baby, but I can SO see how God knew this would be right for me. For one thing, now I know for a fact that my faith is bigger than what my degree has thus far chucked at me. This is a milestone in intimacy and security with God. This is truly astounding!
'Cause knowing Him does change my life. It change the very definition of failure and it wipes out capacity for distress. This is where peace that passes understanding comes from. Following Jesus isn't about life going better; sometimes it's even worse (caged animals don't get hunted). It's about what is important being so utterly altered that in the face of anything horrible, joy can flow. Only one thing we know cannot be touched by the world but that is the only thing that matters anyway - our way to God and the relationship that is enabled because of that.
I think that God is picking off my fears one at at time. To steal an ideal from Mother Superior in 'The Sound of Music' (for which I will not apologise), you cannot escape your fears by running away (back to the Abbey). Even if you run to God, you can't then expect everything to no longer be there, you have to face them. So, like Maria with Captain Von Trapp, I see that God has been doing just that in me. He isn't always going to be our hiding place. There as a refuge, we must then take the strength He gives that enables us to face our fear, so that it can never again have a hold, no matter how dangerous our surroundings.
I used to be afraid of rejection, so I had to experience it in my post-tenebras era (I didn't even intend to put myself on the line... I suppose that was the point!); I hated the idea of performing in public in case I sucked, so when I did, I did! (the Halloween gig, I'm not exaggerating it was *quite* a disaster but it didn't actually matter!); I dreaded disappointment so it just kept coming 'til I realised that I have hope in more important things... now I stare failure in the face and I don't even flinch. Well, not at this minute anyway. I don't suppose I am done with as yet! The point is, though, that these things may seem scary and like nothing has changed but because I am different they don't have the same effect, the power is taken away.
So I can look back at those times, see what it was God has done, and be actually grateful. As my friend Jenny points out, maybe I am sometimes just analysing too much and need to wait till I get a complete perspective from the vantage point of being further up the road. (She didn't say it exactly like that but poetic license...!) It is true. I now get what was happening then, I feel like I may understand what happened last Thursday night, I have no idea what will possibly be the net result of this whole affair (nay my life!) but I can rest assured that it will be totally the best thing 'cause that is what God promised.
So I am setting myself against "I'd rather not, but..." 's, not because I think that it is possible for me to achieve that amazing holy status by making the decision to, but because I haven't actually got a clue what my alternatives really are and I don't want to begrudge, even for a moment, what amazing progress God has in store... I mean look at Maria: she married a rich, sexy captain who could sing!
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Amazing Grace
I was thinking yesterday, in one of my motivational moments, some stuff which I was refusing to blog about 'cause I needed to just start applying it... but I am less motivated to work right now so maybe writing it out will rekindle the passion!
I've been getting myself all churned up about if I am messing up God's plan. Like, He has got a really cool escape route mapped out so that I can miraculously be alright in this situation, meet my deadline and get the grade... but I am being an idiot and sitting around waiting for it to happen instead of just writing.
Now, granted some people probably think I am right about that and actually I should just get on with my essay instead of blogging but, even though I doubt it will make a difference to their opinion, I want to state that I genuinely struggle with concentration A LOT. I'm in the middle of being diagnosed with ADHD but the referral is weeks away (I do love the NHS) with all methods other than medication taking far too long to effect change before Friday. A friend asked me if I thought I might be using it as an excuse but actually I really just see it more as an explanation for how my life has always been...
We can talk more about all that some other time. It's been a bit of a journey for me and something I haven't shared partly 'cause of the stigma and this being the internet, partly the not actually having an answer yet. It gives a girl a lot to think about, studying being the least important in comparison to things like social interaction, relationships, identity, healing(?). But I'll leave those stuffs for another time, today I just wanted to vindicate my struggles a little and lay it out on a plate.
So yeah. I don't really know what I can actually do, but I look at a page/screen and panic. I love to write and I have all these ideas and when it is a short piece I can eventually organise it and hone it and make it flow... I know exactly what I want to say and within limitations I can do that. But 5,000 words with a lot of technical details and referencing is a whole other ball game and my perfectionism doesn't know where to begin. Yet surely in this I am messing up every chance that God has to rescue me? I have to do *something*.
Yet again, duh, I am prompted to recall that GOD IS SOVEREIGN. He doesn't actually need me to do anything. In fact, HE LIKES IT WHEN I AM WEAK SO HE CAN SHOW ME HE'S STRONG. How am I supposed to remember my dependency if I am always capable? How am I supposed to get that He loves me if He never has the chance to show me?
Yet again I was being legalistic, thinking I have to reach some kind of threshold of effort before He meets me halfway. If anything of this world depended on what we humans did, well... we kinda see what that looks like don't we? Life is impossible for a reason. Failure imminent without intervention, that we may recognise intervention for what it is and receive it gladly in the shape of True Love.
It takes the flavour out of grace for me to think that what I do matters at all. God reached out to man and made a way (Jesus) and I tell myself that He can only see His plans come through if I work for it? Crazy fool.
So I'm in the library, giving what I can but not giving a damn if what I have isn't enough. It isn't. I read another person's blog this morning. Don't do that much but this guy seems good and I like the sound of his ideals (I say that vaguely 'cause I only know them vaguely!). The article linked above really spoke to me and in case you don't feel like reading someone else on your coffee break I'll sum up the relevant part.
It is looking at the story of David and Goliath and how so many people interpret it: little weak person overcomes some big, scary, technically impossible to beat, "Giant" in their life. Miraculous empowerment of man. He then (and this is the bit that made me go "Oh yeah, duh!") instead describes it thus:
We are little Israelites standing round shitting ourselves with the Philestines surrounding us, doomed. Then a seemingly insignificant and weak nobody steps out from the midst of us and saves us from an impossible Giant so that we can surge forward with a shout, enemy defeated! Miraculous empowerment for man. The analogy here is, of course, Jesus.
How naïve, nay arrogant, to think that we are David when really Jesus is? David didn't need the army of scared and foolish soldiers behind him, he did if for the army so that they would not die.
All that said, an essay is not eternal life and just 'cause I am guaranteed of the second does not mean that the first will come to pass. I cannot claim that in hope I know the full extent of the mind of God and I must remember that my certainty of grace is in the eternal sense and that here and now, finitely, we cannot comprehend the full applications of infinity. That is to say, grace acted out on earth doesn't always look like a gift as we know it (also coming in the shape of lessons, refinement, rebuke etc) and I must be wary that this coursework does not become a "what have you done for me lately" scenario with my idea of grace being pined onto something so subjective.
God likes blessing me and wants the best for me, I can hope assuredly for that... and just ask really nicely that academic success is the way He chooses to administer it!
P.S. I'm not very good at acknowledging grace, I didn't even have a tag for it (only for 'Grace Killers'). I've been too tied up receiving it and applying it to my life to stop and go "Wow" so I reckon this is a lesson that I am well in need of. It's pretty Amazing, isn't it?!
I've been getting myself all churned up about if I am messing up God's plan. Like, He has got a really cool escape route mapped out so that I can miraculously be alright in this situation, meet my deadline and get the grade... but I am being an idiot and sitting around waiting for it to happen instead of just writing.
Now, granted some people probably think I am right about that and actually I should just get on with my essay instead of blogging but, even though I doubt it will make a difference to their opinion, I want to state that I genuinely struggle with concentration A LOT. I'm in the middle of being diagnosed with ADHD but the referral is weeks away (I do love the NHS) with all methods other than medication taking far too long to effect change before Friday. A friend asked me if I thought I might be using it as an excuse but actually I really just see it more as an explanation for how my life has always been...
We can talk more about all that some other time. It's been a bit of a journey for me and something I haven't shared partly 'cause of the stigma and this being the internet, partly the not actually having an answer yet. It gives a girl a lot to think about, studying being the least important in comparison to things like social interaction, relationships, identity, healing(?). But I'll leave those stuffs for another time, today I just wanted to vindicate my struggles a little and lay it out on a plate.
So yeah. I don't really know what I can actually do, but I look at a page/screen and panic. I love to write and I have all these ideas and when it is a short piece I can eventually organise it and hone it and make it flow... I know exactly what I want to say and within limitations I can do that. But 5,000 words with a lot of technical details and referencing is a whole other ball game and my perfectionism doesn't know where to begin. Yet surely in this I am messing up every chance that God has to rescue me? I have to do *something*.
Yet again, duh, I am prompted to recall that GOD IS SOVEREIGN. He doesn't actually need me to do anything. In fact, HE LIKES IT WHEN I AM WEAK SO HE CAN SHOW ME HE'S STRONG. How am I supposed to remember my dependency if I am always capable? How am I supposed to get that He loves me if He never has the chance to show me?
Yet again I was being legalistic, thinking I have to reach some kind of threshold of effort before He meets me halfway. If anything of this world depended on what we humans did, well... we kinda see what that looks like don't we? Life is impossible for a reason. Failure imminent without intervention, that we may recognise intervention for what it is and receive it gladly in the shape of True Love.
It takes the flavour out of grace for me to think that what I do matters at all. God reached out to man and made a way (Jesus) and I tell myself that He can only see His plans come through if I work for it? Crazy fool.
So I'm in the library, giving what I can but not giving a damn if what I have isn't enough. It isn't. I read another person's blog this morning. Don't do that much but this guy seems good and I like the sound of his ideals (I say that vaguely 'cause I only know them vaguely!). The article linked above really spoke to me and in case you don't feel like reading someone else on your coffee break I'll sum up the relevant part.
It is looking at the story of David and Goliath and how so many people interpret it: little weak person overcomes some big, scary, technically impossible to beat, "Giant" in their life. Miraculous empowerment of man. He then (and this is the bit that made me go "Oh yeah, duh!") instead describes it thus:
We are little Israelites standing round shitting ourselves with the Philestines surrounding us, doomed. Then a seemingly insignificant and weak nobody steps out from the midst of us and saves us from an impossible Giant so that we can surge forward with a shout, enemy defeated! Miraculous empowerment for man. The analogy here is, of course, Jesus.
How naïve, nay arrogant, to think that we are David when really Jesus is? David didn't need the army of scared and foolish soldiers behind him, he did if for the army so that they would not die.
All that said, an essay is not eternal life and just 'cause I am guaranteed of the second does not mean that the first will come to pass. I cannot claim that in hope I know the full extent of the mind of God and I must remember that my certainty of grace is in the eternal sense and that here and now, finitely, we cannot comprehend the full applications of infinity. That is to say, grace acted out on earth doesn't always look like a gift as we know it (also coming in the shape of lessons, refinement, rebuke etc) and I must be wary that this coursework does not become a "what have you done for me lately" scenario with my idea of grace being pined onto something so subjective.
God likes blessing me and wants the best for me, I can hope assuredly for that... and just ask really nicely that academic success is the way He chooses to administer it!
P.S. I'm not very good at acknowledging grace, I didn't even have a tag for it (only for 'Grace Killers'). I've been too tied up receiving it and applying it to my life to stop and go "Wow" so I reckon this is a lesson that I am well in need of. It's pretty Amazing, isn't it?!
Monday, February 2, 2009
...but it doesn't mean He won't
Arggggh! Two people have commented to me today on something about my positive blogging blah blah etc etc... and it made me laugh 'cause they clearly hadn't read the last post I wrote.
I drive myself mad with the ups and downs of hope and faith.
Whilst what I said is technically true [EDIT: in that we can't know what God will do] I do realise that the way I said it didn't testify to God's love for me. That is, it implied quite strongly He don't care about the details of my life which I believe (albeit by faith and not necessarily feeling right now) He does. It sounds a lot like me being resigned to a meaningless existence in which what I do both doesn't matter and doesn't last.
Neither of which are true. Firstly, God just plain cares. Loving us to reach our potential and making it accessible to us when we struggle, because He likes to do so and likes us to be happy (granted sometimes growth takes priority). Blimey, if the University has an Access Unit then of course God does (there is probably a whole angelic division called Widening Participation).
Secondly, and this is something that makes for a full post at a later date if I get round to it, what we do now does last. That is why there is a finite bit then an infinite bit to life. If it was all about the infinite then we may as well just skip straight ahead... but it's not. Ergo - bothered.
Well, errrrr, there's some good theory for you. I will keep you posted on the practice since so far today the bulk of my achievements has been to write a song about snow. Isn't it lovely?
I drive myself mad with the ups and downs of hope and faith.
Whilst what I said is technically true [EDIT: in that we can't know what God will do] I do realise that the way I said it didn't testify to God's love for me. That is, it implied quite strongly He don't care about the details of my life which I believe (albeit by faith and not necessarily feeling right now) He does. It sounds a lot like me being resigned to a meaningless existence in which what I do both doesn't matter and doesn't last.
Neither of which are true. Firstly, God just plain cares. Loving us to reach our potential and making it accessible to us when we struggle, because He likes to do so and likes us to be happy (granted sometimes growth takes priority). Blimey, if the University has an Access Unit then of course God does (there is probably a whole angelic division called Widening Participation).
Secondly, and this is something that makes for a full post at a later date if I get round to it, what we do now does last. That is why there is a finite bit then an infinite bit to life. If it was all about the infinite then we may as well just skip straight ahead... but it's not. Ergo - bothered.
Well, errrrr, there's some good theory for you. I will keep you posted on the practice since so far today the bulk of my achievements has been to write a song about snow. Isn't it lovely?
Saturday, January 31, 2009
"Dreams can come true, look at me babe I'm with you..."
That was what came on my car radio last night as I came back from Michelle's and I meant to mention it in my blog but I never. So now I have. If this whole God thing really has come together then absolutely anything actually is possible - there was a time I never thought He could be with me and now look: He is and I still can't get over it.
Which is the reason that I am slowly going from being a person who expected things never to work out to someone who is always expecting everything to. Moments of absolute disdain aside (which can take a large chunk out of some of my days, granted) I have been having loads of hope recently. Ridiculous amounts. Raising them stakes good and high. The way I see it, if God is gonna top anything I can conceive of then the best thing for me to do is think BIG. That's a boring game theory model. Think BIG get BIGGER. Think small get Medium. There is no payoff formula is there? I think the answer is "Duh, Supersize me".
So today I did. I dreamed SO big. I planned the next 30 years of my life. There were lots of gaps, don't get me wrong, and I am not saying this all has to happen or else, I just figured "why not get excited by the possibilities?" Some of it is crazy and made up and I won't be really disappointed if becoming Prime Minister doesn't happen (hell, I'm not entirely sure how I would feel about a woman running the country!) and exactly how Eastern Europe comes into it is flexible... but some of it I can see clearly in one shape or another. Like community building in Bristol, being a homemaker (not the same as housewife), working with the homeless, female identity empowerment (not "female empowerment" which sounds a lot like feminism and I don't mean at all), starting a music project that gives opportunity to the deprived and disadvantaged and shares love with the world. I even decided that I probably did need a husband at some point and now have a pretty good feel of what he would need to be up for and capable of!! They're not all bad after all...
So I was kinda stoked about this vision. It clearly isn't going to look exactly like this but I reckon that God is putting some stuff in particular on my heart. And I really do get that if His alternative is to be, say a stay home mum for example, then that would be the better thing.
At the same time I was aware it's important that, in my expecting of great stuff and amazing gifts, how God wants to use me is so not about me. Which is really really hard. I don't know about you but I have this huge imagination which is lots of fun and exciting and enables me to see the "bigger picture" but it also leads me to get carried away with things that are just "cool". The advance autobiography that I wrote for myself would have gotten well loads of credit I swear. I would be everybody's fave prime minister and change the world... whilst also fabulously managing a family of 4/5 and recording several albums. And what with my "childlike" faith that God can do it I am prime candidate for missing the point that He probably shouldn't. I struggle enough with pride (when I'm not struggling with feeling down on myself, obviously) indeed even as I write I am proud that I have recognised this danger in advance! I just can't win...
So I'm sitting at this concert tonight with my sister, contemplating all these important things in my young brain, when God starts stirring a bit more. The gig was amazing. A team of musicians that work with prisoners and ex-prisoners as a rehab type thingy - called changing tunes, check it out. Some of the most powerful songs I have ever heard, particularly one that just spelled out in incredible "The Streets" style this really gritty gripping reality of the unhealthy complicated status between men and women. It all just added to the realisation that music is an amazing tool with the capacity to change lives and bring light. Hurrah! Inspiring much? Coincidence? I knew that I wanted to work with homeless people and "disadvantaged" youth 'cause that's where I have been "moved" and where my albeit limited experiences lie, so the prison work was a really cool overlap but with plenty of scope to bring it to others.
'Cause of course that is my priority. Tapping a new market. Helping people that have no other options. Really making a BIG difference. Being something incredible that makes people go wow and gives a warm fuzzy glow at the *number* of lives changed. Getting my M.B.E.
So I have to laugh when at the interval one of the musicians gets up and talks about this new project that has been set up in the kinda funky-but-really-quite-dodge part of town where there is already a huge vision for change and love revolution. A vision I already feel both excited by and jealous of. The project described ticks in every way what I had just decided to call my life works.
I can't help it. I feel like I missed the window, not been there from the start. Now I'm trying to carve out a special role for me in The Kingdom but really I mean in The World 'cause that is the place that my accolade would be coming from. I arrived back in England to see the beginning of a radical church movement in Bristol, a revolution underway; and though I'd been praying and excited and certain of it happening before I got here I was kinda annoyed that no-one waited. There have been people praying for decades but I had claims on the particular power of mine and where is the recognition? No-one even knows I exist.
So what is this post about? Well, I figure seeing as I don't get to be a "founder" of the self-harmony (it even has a cool name) thing and will no doubt have to be a "worker" instead then the least I could do is put it somewhere in writing that I thought of it too... independently of them!
Lol. I figure this is kinda how we are, right? People. Crap. Yet not. But still so. It's funny, sometimes if I'm really quiet I think I can hear my sinful nature fighting with the Holy Spirit as though they were sitting on my shoulders.
I know, I always have I think since I resigned myself to Christ, that it isn't about me. That community is the best thing and that as I allow it to become important and the love takes over then I will believe in it increasingly, till one day I know it wholeheartedly in every circumstance. Just it sucks when you want to be a pop star! Or anything else.
We see it everywhere you know, taking ownership. Even in the church. Duh, particularly. Even when it is about what God is doing people love to be able to claim that He is doing it just for them, because of what they have been doing and how they have been seeking. Even when it is a community it is a limited community, just you and your friends. Even when it is the Christian world as a whole we forget that it isn't just for us but for EVERYONE and get comfy and superior.
So what will I do? Write my plan in pencil I suppose. Go where He wants. Trust that the timing isn't a fudge and that I will be put in the right place even if that place is somewhere really small - which presumably it will be when my humility is still so small. I think that humility and importance are directly proportional you know. He only lifts people up that don't care - which is why I'm trying so hard not to!
One thing I read that is really helpful for me in my motivations lately (I can spend a long time over-analysing things and getting very confused about what is actually going on in my heart) is something Paul wrote. It's funny, I used to really hate that guy but he does say some good shit:
I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself.
Which makes sense given how fickle and complicated we are.
So I will carry on dreaming and believing and seeking and petitioning what is on my heart to the best of my own understanding but there really is very little point in me trying to figure it all out, what with the constant internal battle. If God didn't put it in me then it won't last long, what with the victory having been won. I just have to let Him carry on changing me.
It does suck though. At the moment it still sucks... but I am a work in progress and the masterpiece is yet to be reveal...!
Which is the reason that I am slowly going from being a person who expected things never to work out to someone who is always expecting everything to. Moments of absolute disdain aside (which can take a large chunk out of some of my days, granted) I have been having loads of hope recently. Ridiculous amounts. Raising them stakes good and high. The way I see it, if God is gonna top anything I can conceive of then the best thing for me to do is think BIG. That's a boring game theory model. Think BIG get BIGGER. Think small get Medium. There is no payoff formula is there? I think the answer is "Duh, Supersize me".
So today I did. I dreamed SO big. I planned the next 30 years of my life. There were lots of gaps, don't get me wrong, and I am not saying this all has to happen or else, I just figured "why not get excited by the possibilities?" Some of it is crazy and made up and I won't be really disappointed if becoming Prime Minister doesn't happen (hell, I'm not entirely sure how I would feel about a woman running the country!) and exactly how Eastern Europe comes into it is flexible... but some of it I can see clearly in one shape or another. Like community building in Bristol, being a homemaker (not the same as housewife), working with the homeless, female identity empowerment (not "female empowerment" which sounds a lot like feminism and I don't mean at all), starting a music project that gives opportunity to the deprived and disadvantaged and shares love with the world. I even decided that I probably did need a husband at some point and now have a pretty good feel of what he would need to be up for and capable of!! They're not all bad after all...
So I was kinda stoked about this vision. It clearly isn't going to look exactly like this but I reckon that God is putting some stuff in particular on my heart. And I really do get that if His alternative is to be, say a stay home mum for example, then that would be the better thing.
At the same time I was aware it's important that, in my expecting of great stuff and amazing gifts, how God wants to use me is so not about me. Which is really really hard. I don't know about you but I have this huge imagination which is lots of fun and exciting and enables me to see the "bigger picture" but it also leads me to get carried away with things that are just "cool". The advance autobiography that I wrote for myself would have gotten well loads of credit I swear. I would be everybody's fave prime minister and change the world... whilst also fabulously managing a family of 4/5 and recording several albums. And what with my "childlike" faith that God can do it I am prime candidate for missing the point that He probably shouldn't. I struggle enough with pride (when I'm not struggling with feeling down on myself, obviously) indeed even as I write I am proud that I have recognised this danger in advance! I just can't win...
So I'm sitting at this concert tonight with my sister, contemplating all these important things in my young brain, when God starts stirring a bit more. The gig was amazing. A team of musicians that work with prisoners and ex-prisoners as a rehab type thingy - called changing tunes, check it out. Some of the most powerful songs I have ever heard, particularly one that just spelled out in incredible "The Streets" style this really gritty gripping reality of the unhealthy complicated status between men and women. It all just added to the realisation that music is an amazing tool with the capacity to change lives and bring light. Hurrah! Inspiring much? Coincidence? I knew that I wanted to work with homeless people and "disadvantaged" youth 'cause that's where I have been "moved" and where my albeit limited experiences lie, so the prison work was a really cool overlap but with plenty of scope to bring it to others.
'Cause of course that is my priority. Tapping a new market. Helping people that have no other options. Really making a BIG difference. Being something incredible that makes people go wow and gives a warm fuzzy glow at the *number* of lives changed. Getting my M.B.E.
So I have to laugh when at the interval one of the musicians gets up and talks about this new project that has been set up in the kinda funky-but-really-quite-dodge part of town where there is already a huge vision for change and love revolution. A vision I already feel both excited by and jealous of. The project described ticks in every way what I had just decided to call my life works.
I can't help it. I feel like I missed the window, not been there from the start. Now I'm trying to carve out a special role for me in The Kingdom but really I mean in The World 'cause that is the place that my accolade would be coming from. I arrived back in England to see the beginning of a radical church movement in Bristol, a revolution underway; and though I'd been praying and excited and certain of it happening before I got here I was kinda annoyed that no-one waited. There have been people praying for decades but I had claims on the particular power of mine and where is the recognition? No-one even knows I exist.
So what is this post about? Well, I figure seeing as I don't get to be a "founder" of the self-harmony (it even has a cool name) thing and will no doubt have to be a "worker" instead then the least I could do is put it somewhere in writing that I thought of it too... independently of them!
Lol. I figure this is kinda how we are, right? People. Crap. Yet not. But still so. It's funny, sometimes if I'm really quiet I think I can hear my sinful nature fighting with the Holy Spirit as though they were sitting on my shoulders.
I know, I always have I think since I resigned myself to Christ, that it isn't about me. That community is the best thing and that as I allow it to become important and the love takes over then I will believe in it increasingly, till one day I know it wholeheartedly in every circumstance. Just it sucks when you want to be a pop star! Or anything else.
We see it everywhere you know, taking ownership. Even in the church. Duh, particularly. Even when it is about what God is doing people love to be able to claim that He is doing it just for them, because of what they have been doing and how they have been seeking. Even when it is a community it is a limited community, just you and your friends. Even when it is the Christian world as a whole we forget that it isn't just for us but for EVERYONE and get comfy and superior.
So what will I do? Write my plan in pencil I suppose. Go where He wants. Trust that the timing isn't a fudge and that I will be put in the right place even if that place is somewhere really small - which presumably it will be when my humility is still so small. I think that humility and importance are directly proportional you know. He only lifts people up that don't care - which is why I'm trying so hard not to!
One thing I read that is really helpful for me in my motivations lately (I can spend a long time over-analysing things and getting very confused about what is actually going on in my heart) is something Paul wrote. It's funny, I used to really hate that guy but he does say some good shit:
I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself.
Which makes sense given how fickle and complicated we are.
So I will carry on dreaming and believing and seeking and petitioning what is on my heart to the best of my own understanding but there really is very little point in me trying to figure it all out, what with the constant internal battle. If God didn't put it in me then it won't last long, what with the victory having been won. I just have to let Him carry on changing me.
It does suck though. At the moment it still sucks... but I am a work in progress and the masterpiece is yet to be reveal...!
Late Night Delight
I HAVE to be quick.
The most amazing day. Not even going to go into details as I will just get caught up and it will stop being a "quickie" but WOW! Really feel like what God is saying to me is that of all the things that are crazy and big and huge and wonderful and inconceivable awesome that I am seeking, He has even better stuff. Like you think my imagination is wild, what about His?! I know that there is always the "caveat" of 'but His will be done' but seriously, all that capacity, who doesn't want His will to be done?!
Still. I am praying pretty hardcore about some specific issues in my life, not least "the essay" and seeing great results that are actually more promising that I ever conceived. (Duh! But still, cool that He said it then straight away did it!) E.g. My plan is Shit Hot and basically has HUGE potential to be a fantastic collaboration of ideas and creative thinking (also potential to flop majorly but doesn't everything big and exciting? Who wants to play it safe, especially with God on your side...?!). Shit Hot isn't verbatim but I could see it in my tutor's eyes...
Talked far too much today about life in general and, though I had a great meeting and further thinking and writing stemmed, my bulk of time was spent with people catching up etc. The promise (like in that poem I posted, brilliant much?) is still much in potentia with graft in the near, but so far avoided, future. That will have to stop. Not least because my voice (which really hates me right now) is in need of rehab.
BUT it is pretty neat that there is this verse that totally says what I feel God is saying. Always good to have it in the bible too:
"When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.
The most amazing day. Not even going to go into details as I will just get caught up and it will stop being a "quickie" but WOW! Really feel like what God is saying to me is that of all the things that are crazy and big and huge and wonderful and inconceivable awesome that I am seeking, He has even better stuff. Like you think my imagination is wild, what about His?! I know that there is always the "caveat" of 'but His will be done' but seriously, all that capacity, who doesn't want His will to be done?!
Still. I am praying pretty hardcore about some specific issues in my life, not least "the essay" and seeing great results that are actually more promising that I ever conceived. (Duh! But still, cool that He said it then straight away did it!) E.g. My plan is Shit Hot and basically has HUGE potential to be a fantastic collaboration of ideas and creative thinking (also potential to flop majorly but doesn't everything big and exciting? Who wants to play it safe, especially with God on your side...?!). Shit Hot isn't verbatim but I could see it in my tutor's eyes...
Talked far too much today about life in general and, though I had a great meeting and further thinking and writing stemmed, my bulk of time was spent with people catching up etc. The promise (like in that poem I posted, brilliant much?) is still much in potentia with graft in the near, but so far avoided, future. That will have to stop. Not least because my voice (which really hates me right now) is in need of rehab.
BUT it is pretty neat that there is this verse that totally says what I feel God is saying. Always good to have it in the bible too:
"When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.
Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:14-21
I located it using biblegateway.com, or google for Christians as I now know it (I have my sis to thank for that one!), then reread it at Mich's tonight in her NLT. Which I had forgotten how amazing it was (what with losing my version really sadly near the start of last term :-( ). The wording just grabbed me. Particularly the bit about "infinite resources" (one of the things I mentioned a few posts back about humanity not really being finite and couldn't find a well phrased verse on resources) and then the "infinitely more that we might ask or think" 'cause it is the maths AND the message. [Aside: NIV mentions hope which is cool too. Boy, this whole versions thing is clearly going to start confusing me!] Plus 'tis just a wonderfully phrased passage, I think I need to get a new one of these. Also, aside from the end which is the premise I based my search on, is the whole bit above about being rooted in God's love which is just totally the ongoing message both in general and specifically to me right now.
Anywho. Bed is SO the main objective. I get really frustrated by how much is going on that I am thinking and learning and experiencing, yet at a point where there is no time to write about it. Always the way. I suppose it is partly procrastination temptation though - there are always things happening but there aren't always things to avoid!
Oooh ooooh! I also found out really suddenly, before I was even caring or searching at all, what I shall be doing next year. How good is that?! All I need to do is get there...!
N'night x
Thursday, January 29, 2009
I will not blog, I will not blog, I will not blog
Oh OK, just a lil one.
I'm being quite good with working, like I stayed in the library till 830 pm today! But I am going rather slowly and I didn't get much reading done... more thinking and doodling and trying to form ideas amidst the clouds. I'm telling myself it's an integral part of the process.
Plus it's all I can do. I have a meeting tomorrow at 10am and it is yet to be shown whether all I can do is enough... so call me naïve but I'm taking the loaves and fishes approach. I am almost certain that I can't get this degree. I mean, I started a new course today (everyone else started Monday but I sorta forgot) and I didn't have a clue about any of the prerequisites. Likewise I went into Phil of Maths with no idea of what logic actually is (I don't mean by regular definitions, though that too) and this morning I suddenly found myself trying to split the "hypøplane"...?! Whatever. My point is, this is going to be a hard crowd to impress. My profs may not be 5,000 hungry Jewish men plus women and kids but they are pretty expectatious.
So I figure that I will simply have to not be good enough. 'Tis all. I'll do my small piece in faith and let God multiply it up to be something amazing.
The slightly concerning thing is that if it turns out God doesn't want to give me a degree based upon my faith in Him, I will have to be OK with that. Though I don't suppose He will let me take more testing than I can bear it would still be nice to do well. So I'm holding out for Zephaniah 3. "Honour and praise where I was put to shame". I know I can't just claim any passage in the bible for my own at a given moment but wouldn't it be cool if it was part of the purposes that God is working out now... Actually, maybe I can claim it as a promise?! Flag that!
Either way, I don't think there is anything else I can actually do. So as I relocate from Chaplaincy to Library to Starbs every few hours, in order that I don't get bored, let's hope my teeny tiny offer mixed in with all the sidetracking will be worth something.
Oh and I got a letter through from ENT - first appointment on the 10th Feb! Funtimes. Maybe I will be "singing and shouting aloud" sooner than I though... if He does manage to first "quite me with His love" :o)
I'm being quite good with working, like I stayed in the library till 830 pm today! But I am going rather slowly and I didn't get much reading done... more thinking and doodling and trying to form ideas amidst the clouds. I'm telling myself it's an integral part of the process.
Plus it's all I can do. I have a meeting tomorrow at 10am and it is yet to be shown whether all I can do is enough... so call me naïve but I'm taking the loaves and fishes approach. I am almost certain that I can't get this degree. I mean, I started a new course today (everyone else started Monday but I sorta forgot) and I didn't have a clue about any of the prerequisites. Likewise I went into Phil of Maths with no idea of what logic actually is (I don't mean by regular definitions, though that too) and this morning I suddenly found myself trying to split the "hypøplane"...?! Whatever. My point is, this is going to be a hard crowd to impress. My profs may not be 5,000 hungry Jewish men plus women and kids but they are pretty expectatious.
So I figure that I will simply have to not be good enough. 'Tis all. I'll do my small piece in faith and let God multiply it up to be something amazing.
The slightly concerning thing is that if it turns out God doesn't want to give me a degree based upon my faith in Him, I will have to be OK with that. Though I don't suppose He will let me take more testing than I can bear it would still be nice to do well. So I'm holding out for Zephaniah 3. "Honour and praise where I was put to shame". I know I can't just claim any passage in the bible for my own at a given moment but wouldn't it be cool if it was part of the purposes that God is working out now... Actually, maybe I can claim it as a promise?! Flag that!
Either way, I don't think there is anything else I can actually do. So as I relocate from Chaplaincy to Library to Starbs every few hours, in order that I don't get bored, let's hope my teeny tiny offer mixed in with all the sidetracking will be worth something.
Oh and I got a letter through from ENT - first appointment on the 10th Feb! Funtimes. Maybe I will be "singing and shouting aloud" sooner than I though... if He does manage to first "quite me with His love" :o)
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Unnatural Hope in the face of Utter Horror
My Facebook status.
My life.
Just a comment about the reading I was doing today for the previously mentioned paper (in which my thinking is majorly affected by the Bible but it's hard to express that convincingly when writing about Philosophy of Maths... see a few posts ago...). A book called 'Beyond the limits of thought', the first line of which was:
"Finitude is a basic fact of human existence."
We are going to have some problems.
The dude (his name is Priest, ironically) goes on to give the examples of human endurance, resources or even life itself. I really am not feeling eye to eye on this. What with God and all - who is later given as an example of something beyond the limit of our thought (quite a debate there among these learned people as to whether or not He is; if only I could bring 1 Corinthians 2:9-10 into it.)
Then it hit me, just now, that this is exactly where I am at. My "status" is hope in horror. The horror being the deadline, the limitation (in endurance, resources and time). The hope being that I can go beyond the limitations; that I am subject to neither deadline nor death; that finitude is a myth and while things are beyond understanding they are also completely within my grasp by His spirit. A paradox explained, but only outside the realm of earthly "logic" (which is in fact my conclusion). My work is like my spiritual journey - the two being about the same thing as I rely on the impossible to be able to discuss the inconcievable in a way that is unimaginable yet fully comprehensible. Ummmm.
Reading 1 Corinthians 2 as part of my not-very-routine bible routine has once again proved completely relevant to what I am doing - even when what I am doing is maths homework. It has been a good day with lots of work (subjective view point granted) and some great God moments and, you'll never believe it, but I'm listening to Positive songs on my ipod now. Oh yes! The joy is coming back.
Incase you weren't already resigned, the next week or so will probably have a lot of crazy sounding maths that may or may not also claim to be spiritual. Sorry about that, but I'm gonna be pretty one tracked...
Oh, and one other cool thing. My old pastor from GVA sent round an email to anyone on the worship mailing list that said:
"Don't forget God is working His purpose out!!"
Really bloody handy that was, totally the sort of thing I need to hear. A little thrown by the randomness of it... till it came to light that that was the name of a hymn they are doing on Sunday! Still, good to know.
Hmmmmm. Feeling rather confident. Maybe it's the peace that passes understanding... Best go get something done this eve though. I have 2 ish hours, let's bend time!
My life.
Just a comment about the reading I was doing today for the previously mentioned paper (in which my thinking is majorly affected by the Bible but it's hard to express that convincingly when writing about Philosophy of Maths... see a few posts ago...). A book called 'Beyond the limits of thought', the first line of which was:
"Finitude is a basic fact of human existence."
We are going to have some problems.
The dude (his name is Priest, ironically) goes on to give the examples of human endurance, resources or even life itself. I really am not feeling eye to eye on this. What with God and all - who is later given as an example of something beyond the limit of our thought (quite a debate there among these learned people as to whether or not He is; if only I could bring 1 Corinthians 2:9-10 into it.)
Then it hit me, just now, that this is exactly where I am at. My "status" is hope in horror. The horror being the deadline, the limitation (in endurance, resources and time). The hope being that I can go beyond the limitations; that I am subject to neither deadline nor death; that finitude is a myth and while things are beyond understanding they are also completely within my grasp by His spirit. A paradox explained, but only outside the realm of earthly "logic" (which is in fact my conclusion). My work is like my spiritual journey - the two being about the same thing as I rely on the impossible to be able to discuss the inconcievable in a way that is unimaginable yet fully comprehensible. Ummmm.
Reading 1 Corinthians 2 as part of my not-very-routine bible routine has once again proved completely relevant to what I am doing - even when what I am doing is maths homework. It has been a good day with lots of work (subjective view point granted) and some great God moments and, you'll never believe it, but I'm listening to Positive songs on my ipod now. Oh yes! The joy is coming back.
Incase you weren't already resigned, the next week or so will probably have a lot of crazy sounding maths that may or may not also claim to be spiritual. Sorry about that, but I'm gonna be pretty one tracked...
Oh, and one other cool thing. My old pastor from GVA sent round an email to anyone on the worship mailing list that said:
"Don't forget God is working His purpose out!!"
Really bloody handy that was, totally the sort of thing I need to hear. A little thrown by the randomness of it... till it came to light that that was the name of a hymn they are doing on Sunday! Still, good to know.
Hmmmmm. Feeling rather confident. Maybe it's the peace that passes understanding... Best go get something done this eve though. I have 2 ish hours, let's bend time!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
hopeactually
Essay is not really any further along what with having had to postpone French work a whole week till yesterday evening. Today has been one of slowly waking up to the world following lots of presentation pressure, only to be submersed again tomorrow in a land of distraction, study and imminence.
Miss Spitfire came over to see me at the weekend, much to my delight. And indeed salvation, I would not have been able to survive if it were not for her... Really wakened me up to my inbuilt issues with self-reliance, that visit did. I got over it enough to submit, albeit legalistically at times, to God but to surrender myself to the support of others has been *quite* uncomfortable. I can talk all day about community and interdependence and how God provides for me through people but when the shadows creep in, the computer crashes an hour before or the mind is just not even pretending to cope anymore one tends to "forget" how to put the words into action. Needing help made me downright angry, allowing it to happen just felt like absolute crap.
Yet I need to get over that I know it. So, vulnerability rears it's not actually ugly just not "conventionally accepted" head and reminds me of my fallibility. Who am I to try and cope alone anyway? Even Jesus didn't do that.
Godwise? Lots of thinking, even *some* clarity coming there. Issues being raise up, semi-answers sort of fall into place... now is no time to try and talk about that as I have a week and a half to go before I can justify the deep expounding of anything in a non-mathematical area (and even then it would probably be a bit of a long shot). I think am the best I've been since the very start of the year (where if you recall I was actually feeling excellent till it all fell apart literally overnight) and reckon, perhaps, that all the "of the world" trials have helped me to draw near to God in reliance - like a teenager that is angry at their parent but really needs a lift to the pub. Sort of.
'Cause what I have been doing is getting increasingly angry, mostly at Him, and yesterday that really culminated like some kind of inflamed pustule. I pretty much decided that I was fed up of the life I was being subjected to, the constant battle it seems to be to get anything done or to see any progress and how really I was just not up for it anymore... so I popped. My new red glasses have an interesting and even newer shape that testifies to this fact. The strange thing was that as I expressed this I knew, deep down, that it would be OK and that actually God did know what I could bear, He would get me through it and I was going to be OK nay perhaps even better off. Not actually a good feeling I have you know, very much like a teacher that has this "I know best" look and you don't want it to be true but it just is.
Thing is, I can't shake the hope. Despite the fear I have always had this hope and, as God became a consistent feature in my life, it became more and more fulfilled. Nay, turned into faith a little, perhaps. Sometimes you want to indulge in the misery of it all but really, deep down, there is this hope. And, as I shake pain from the past, the hope flows even freer (sp?).
Just, sometimes I don't like the process through which I mush keep hoping. I've heard some pretty cool prophecies for this year and, in all honesty, for me right now one of the most spot on ones is a passing comment I myself made on New Year's Day - when me and two friends had an amazing "improv" pray sesh. One girl said '2008 was great' (which is true! :-)) and I followed almost immediately with '2009 - refine'. Dang it, I seem to have spoken that into being!
But I just "know", somehow, that God is getting me ready for something or other and is doing stuff in me that I may be up to the task. I feel broken shattered and bruised but that is, yet again, a good place for God's strength to be made complete and for my dependency on Him to be renewed. This verse in Job 23:9-10 that I just "got" really sums it up:
"When he is at work in the north, I do not see him; when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him
But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold."
So, ummmm, yeah. Not actually looking forward at all to the next few weeks... but the next few years may just rock out; if I can only get through the fire.
And learning to rely on other people is sure to help. Mummy is coming to look after me next week which is utterly wonderful, welcome and necessary, though I don't envy at all what she will go through! I am just so grateful that there are people who care enough to take me in my unrefined state; I know I won't make it to shiny without being held up in the process...
Miss Spitfire came over to see me at the weekend, much to my delight. And indeed salvation, I would not have been able to survive if it were not for her... Really wakened me up to my inbuilt issues with self-reliance, that visit did. I got over it enough to submit, albeit legalistically at times, to God but to surrender myself to the support of others has been *quite* uncomfortable. I can talk all day about community and interdependence and how God provides for me through people but when the shadows creep in, the computer crashes an hour before or the mind is just not even pretending to cope anymore one tends to "forget" how to put the words into action. Needing help made me downright angry, allowing it to happen just felt like absolute crap.
Yet I need to get over that I know it. So, vulnerability rears it's not actually ugly just not "conventionally accepted" head and reminds me of my fallibility. Who am I to try and cope alone anyway? Even Jesus didn't do that.
Godwise? Lots of thinking, even *some* clarity coming there. Issues being raise up, semi-answers sort of fall into place... now is no time to try and talk about that as I have a week and a half to go before I can justify the deep expounding of anything in a non-mathematical area (and even then it would probably be a bit of a long shot). I think am the best I've been since the very start of the year (where if you recall I was actually feeling excellent till it all fell apart literally overnight) and reckon, perhaps, that all the "of the world" trials have helped me to draw near to God in reliance - like a teenager that is angry at their parent but really needs a lift to the pub. Sort of.
'Cause what I have been doing is getting increasingly angry, mostly at Him, and yesterday that really culminated like some kind of inflamed pustule. I pretty much decided that I was fed up of the life I was being subjected to, the constant battle it seems to be to get anything done or to see any progress and how really I was just not up for it anymore... so I popped. My new red glasses have an interesting and even newer shape that testifies to this fact. The strange thing was that as I expressed this I knew, deep down, that it would be OK and that actually God did know what I could bear, He would get me through it and I was going to be OK nay perhaps even better off. Not actually a good feeling I have you know, very much like a teacher that has this "I know best" look and you don't want it to be true but it just is.
Thing is, I can't shake the hope. Despite the fear I have always had this hope and, as God became a consistent feature in my life, it became more and more fulfilled. Nay, turned into faith a little, perhaps. Sometimes you want to indulge in the misery of it all but really, deep down, there is this hope. And, as I shake pain from the past, the hope flows even freer (sp?).
Just, sometimes I don't like the process through which I mush keep hoping. I've heard some pretty cool prophecies for this year and, in all honesty, for me right now one of the most spot on ones is a passing comment I myself made on New Year's Day - when me and two friends had an amazing "improv" pray sesh. One girl said '2008 was great' (which is true! :-)) and I followed almost immediately with '2009 - refine'. Dang it, I seem to have spoken that into being!
But I just "know", somehow, that God is getting me ready for something or other and is doing stuff in me that I may be up to the task. I feel broken shattered and bruised but that is, yet again, a good place for God's strength to be made complete and for my dependency on Him to be renewed. This verse in Job 23:9-10 that I just "got" really sums it up:
"When he is at work in the north, I do not see him; when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him
But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold."
So, ummmm, yeah. Not actually looking forward at all to the next few weeks... but the next few years may just rock out; if I can only get through the fire.
And learning to rely on other people is sure to help. Mummy is coming to look after me next week which is utterly wonderful, welcome and necessary, though I don't envy at all what she will go through! I am just so grateful that there are people who care enough to take me in my unrefined state; I know I won't make it to shiny without being held up in the process...
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
151 seconds to go...
... till my first Christmas! I am going to blog now, wrap some gifts and open a sneaky pressie from my friend Grace before hanging out the stocking and waiting for Santa. Whose name is oddly like Satan and I wonder if there are some crazy Christians out there who are suspicious of that fact. I wonder if I am one of them! Lol.
So, my thought for Christmas time is this. Elf. I love that film. Prime candidate to see Jesus in. The three rules of elves are as follows:
1) Treat everyday like Christmas
2) There's room for everyone on the nice list
3) The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing out loud for all to hear
If that doesn't scream Christianity I don't know what does.
The interesting thing is that straight after I watched Elf last night I watched Con Air. Also a bit of a classic and a total story about a Joseph type character stuck in prison but persevering with lots of feel good sacrifice and at least one reformed character who was changed (I like to think) by the simple "He's got the whole world in His hands" song and find himself free and starting afresh at the end of the film. A wonderful line: "I'm going to show you that God does exist", what a joy.
Elf and Con Air... quite different. Like the facets of God really. The first consistent feature is that they both have a character called Francisco; the second in the current of Hope. Watch them this Christmas and look out for Jesus.
So, my thought for Christmas time is this. Elf. I love that film. Prime candidate to see Jesus in. The three rules of elves are as follows:
1) Treat everyday like Christmas
2) There's room for everyone on the nice list
3) The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing out loud for all to hear
If that doesn't scream Christianity I don't know what does.
The interesting thing is that straight after I watched Elf last night I watched Con Air. Also a bit of a classic and a total story about a Joseph type character stuck in prison but persevering with lots of feel good sacrifice and at least one reformed character who was changed (I like to think) by the simple "He's got the whole world in His hands" song and find himself free and starting afresh at the end of the film. A wonderful line: "I'm going to show you that God does exist", what a joy.
Elf and Con Air... quite different. Like the facets of God really. The first consistent feature is that they both have a character called Francisco; the second in the current of Hope. Watch them this Christmas and look out for Jesus.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Someone Else's Words
I haven't really got much to say about politics. I try to think about them but I am still forming thoughts a lot so I feel like I don't really want to comment. Which is quite ironic given how much I love to opinionate about other things... I suppose I believe that the God stuff is at least based in some way upon something unchanging and true whereas really and truly I don't know what government is based upon. No, wait, that's not true:
The government is upon His shoulders.
Crap. I've started talking and what I want to say is not at all what I have ended up saying. The above verse gives me a lot of faith in society and how we run the world. Not necessarily in the actual but certainly in potentia. The bible not only tells us to submit to those in authority but also to pray for them and I find that exciting as I think a) How people are intrinsically made in the image of God so why can't we achieve leadership that is at least a semblance of Godly? and b) Prayer works so Duh let's do it and know that things can change where they need to ('cause I'm sure not saying that every authority in this world right now is getting things right).
One specific localised (to London) political issue that is long past (in the time frame of politics) but still very pertinent (as is true with all major news stories that come out blazing then get shoved aside in the boringness of truth) is to do with when someone I actually have a very formulated opinion on in government got shot down. Not JFK stylee, I'm talking 'bout his reputation. You may not even know him or the story but a very incredible man named Ray Lewis, who's vision for young people has actually made a difference and has the potential to do moreso (and I have worked with him so I know), was made a deputy mayor of London. It was fabulous, he has amazing things to contribute in sorting out some really bad messes, given half the chance (not just to do with the link below, that's just a part of his vision). Then it all went bad and in my humble opinion he was left to fend off, by himself, the pack of wolves that is the media while Boris Johnson - disreputed for bigger and far more recent mistakes but equipped with the right PR - didn't support someone that could have made (and I trust still will go on to make) some mighty changes in this country.
I just got sent this link: you should read it. Gives me hope.
I have hope to know that there is going to be a resurrection of this man, fallible yet Christ seeking is his heart and totally spirit filled. Hope that we as individuals and as a church can see renewal in situations that humanly speaking one may dismiss as defeat. Hope to remember to pray for our leaders and to know that we CAN see a change in our nation(s) - some would use the Obama example, I don't know enough about politics to be confidant with that (apparently I broke some law of the internet by not blogging about the election but better late than never...). Hope to make a difference on the BIG scale as well as the small; whilst also having hope in the reminder of the small and significant changes (think about where that kid has come from and where he is now going).
Looks like the crazy extra thought I had does actually fit with where I was going after all. And I have got some things to say about politics. Seriously though, read the link. I was impressed.
The government is upon His shoulders.
Crap. I've started talking and what I want to say is not at all what I have ended up saying. The above verse gives me a lot of faith in society and how we run the world. Not necessarily in the actual but certainly in potentia. The bible not only tells us to submit to those in authority but also to pray for them and I find that exciting as I think a) How people are intrinsically made in the image of God so why can't we achieve leadership that is at least a semblance of Godly? and b) Prayer works so Duh let's do it and know that things can change where they need to ('cause I'm sure not saying that every authority in this world right now is getting things right).
One specific localised (to London) political issue that is long past (in the time frame of politics) but still very pertinent (as is true with all major news stories that come out blazing then get shoved aside in the boringness of truth) is to do with when someone I actually have a very formulated opinion on in government got shot down. Not JFK stylee, I'm talking 'bout his reputation. You may not even know him or the story but a very incredible man named Ray Lewis, who's vision for young people has actually made a difference and has the potential to do moreso (and I have worked with him so I know), was made a deputy mayor of London. It was fabulous, he has amazing things to contribute in sorting out some really bad messes, given half the chance (not just to do with the link below, that's just a part of his vision). Then it all went bad and in my humble opinion he was left to fend off, by himself, the pack of wolves that is the media while Boris Johnson - disreputed for bigger and far more recent mistakes but equipped with the right PR - didn't support someone that could have made (and I trust still will go on to make) some mighty changes in this country.
I just got sent this link: you should read it. Gives me hope.
I have hope to know that there is going to be a resurrection of this man, fallible yet Christ seeking is his heart and totally spirit filled. Hope that we as individuals and as a church can see renewal in situations that humanly speaking one may dismiss as defeat. Hope to remember to pray for our leaders and to know that we CAN see a change in our nation(s) - some would use the Obama example, I don't know enough about politics to be confidant with that (apparently I broke some law of the internet by not blogging about the election but better late than never...). Hope to make a difference on the BIG scale as well as the small; whilst also having hope in the reminder of the small and significant changes (think about where that kid has come from and where he is now going).
Looks like the crazy extra thought I had does actually fit with where I was going after all. And I have got some things to say about politics. Seriously though, read the link. I was impressed.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
A Discovery of Deception
I was just now thinking about what it is that's so hard about struggles. Life struggles, faith struggles, dealing with personal issues or just being motivated to live in all fullness. Just anything hard really.
And I discovered a LIE! You know one of those things that you just think without realising that it is a load of bollocks.
When I get demotivated, which is quite a lot actually, it feels like I am wasting life. I know I am doing wrong when I seek comfort in bad places (I've tried quite a few in my time and though my vices are less these days there are still plenty of things that get me, some more that others. Like blocking out reality by going on line, or comfort eating...) and generally don't live up to God's perfect ideal. Which really sucks.
Then of course enters the knowledge that I really need to sort out my self discipline. It is biblical and good (especially for managing time which is of utmost importance to me and also something that Mrs P31, my inspiration, did). It gives one self control instead of letting worldly things take over. Fasting is SUCH a good example, it can bring me out of a fleshly plane and helps me focus on the spiritual realm a bit more.
But something was going majorly wrong.
I've been a bit run down spiritually, going up'n'down in a mostly usual way but it has been growing slowly more negative as the low moments are becoming longer. I often put this kind of thing down to when God is doing cool stuff in and/or through me and the debil does not like it. Makes sense of late, life is pretty intense and exciting on many fronts...
So I have been really fixated on the goal of self-control as being my key to unlocking this depression. Like, getting out of bed on time, eating sensibly, setting goals for work and other such targets. All the stuff that I know works, is biblically sound and therapistically too come to think of it. Forming a habit and then inhabiting the form (Don'tcha love that?).
But I missed the point entire and I think that perhaps this kinda stems from the fact that I looked at the psychology and having noted that it's *like* the bible followed it instead; forgetting that the bible is the first truth and how things that looks like it are a semblance or a shadow of the truth. Likely to break down in their validity at some point, as they forget about my omnipotent God.
'Cause the thing that makes no sense is that when the moment is at it's most crucial - where every decision is hardest and the easiest things to do become huge goals; going to a lecture is a day's worth of achievement and getting a coursework actually completed and handed in on time feels like it should last a week; having a single positive thought feels like you have won some prize but the balance can tip in an instant - that is when I am supposed to exert self-control. It's already impressive to be disciplined when life is hunky dorey and I make the choice to get up before 9, wash, read, go to uni, pray, be slightly organised and tidy and make the most of most of my time. To then put my emotions at the other end of the scale where getting up at all becomes an achievement and turning up late to a seminar feels like I deserve a first class degree and THEN say I need to train myself into positive habits... Now THAT really is akin to getting a camel - a very miserable and stubborn camel - out of a big pit of mirey clay and telling it to understand Second Order Logic.
Duh. This isn't Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I am not supposed to be "training" myself to do anything.
I've just seen that what I've been trying to do is akin to using Will Power and thus living in my own strength. By sneakily disguising it under the name self-control which we all know is a good thing Satan can bring in an incredible amount of pain to a struggle that is supposed to be easy to bear. That verse in 2 Peter, "make every effort..." doesn't mean you "try on your own". We cannot do these things by own own strength. This self-control that helps us live a Godly life, it is one of the fruits of the Spirit and it is funny how utterly subtly I just forgot that these are given to us and not something we work for. We must desire it but we do not have to DO a single thing to receive it.
Those who hope in the Lord WILL renew their strength and rise up on wings like eagles.
I hope so I will. I don't will to have hope.
And I discovered a LIE! You know one of those things that you just think without realising that it is a load of bollocks.
When I get demotivated, which is quite a lot actually, it feels like I am wasting life. I know I am doing wrong when I seek comfort in bad places (I've tried quite a few in my time and though my vices are less these days there are still plenty of things that get me, some more that others. Like blocking out reality by going on line, or comfort eating...) and generally don't live up to God's perfect ideal. Which really sucks.
Then of course enters the knowledge that I really need to sort out my self discipline. It is biblical and good (especially for managing time which is of utmost importance to me and also something that Mrs P31, my inspiration, did). It gives one self control instead of letting worldly things take over. Fasting is SUCH a good example, it can bring me out of a fleshly plane and helps me focus on the spiritual realm a bit more.
But something was going majorly wrong.
I've been a bit run down spiritually, going up'n'down in a mostly usual way but it has been growing slowly more negative as the low moments are becoming longer. I often put this kind of thing down to when God is doing cool stuff in and/or through me and the debil does not like it. Makes sense of late, life is pretty intense and exciting on many fronts...
So I have been really fixated on the goal of self-control as being my key to unlocking this depression. Like, getting out of bed on time, eating sensibly, setting goals for work and other such targets. All the stuff that I know works, is biblically sound and therapistically too come to think of it. Forming a habit and then inhabiting the form (Don'tcha love that?).
But I missed the point entire and I think that perhaps this kinda stems from the fact that I looked at the psychology and having noted that it's *like* the bible followed it instead; forgetting that the bible is the first truth and how things that looks like it are a semblance or a shadow of the truth. Likely to break down in their validity at some point, as they forget about my omnipotent God.
'Cause the thing that makes no sense is that when the moment is at it's most crucial - where every decision is hardest and the easiest things to do become huge goals; going to a lecture is a day's worth of achievement and getting a coursework actually completed and handed in on time feels like it should last a week; having a single positive thought feels like you have won some prize but the balance can tip in an instant - that is when I am supposed to exert self-control. It's already impressive to be disciplined when life is hunky dorey and I make the choice to get up before 9, wash, read, go to uni, pray, be slightly organised and tidy and make the most of most of my time. To then put my emotions at the other end of the scale where getting up at all becomes an achievement and turning up late to a seminar feels like I deserve a first class degree and THEN say I need to train myself into positive habits... Now THAT really is akin to getting a camel - a very miserable and stubborn camel - out of a big pit of mirey clay and telling it to understand Second Order Logic.
Duh. This isn't Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I am not supposed to be "training" myself to do anything.
I've just seen that what I've been trying to do is akin to using Will Power and thus living in my own strength. By sneakily disguising it under the name self-control which we all know is a good thing Satan can bring in an incredible amount of pain to a struggle that is supposed to be easy to bear. That verse in 2 Peter, "make every effort..." doesn't mean you "try on your own". We cannot do these things by own own strength. This self-control that helps us live a Godly life, it is one of the fruits of the Spirit and it is funny how utterly subtly I just forgot that these are given to us and not something we work for. We must desire it but we do not have to DO a single thing to receive it.
Those who hope in the Lord WILL renew their strength and rise up on wings like eagles.
I hope so I will. I don't will to have hope.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
This is going to be a Christmas to remember
I am so excited about Christmas. Starbucks menu started weeks ago and the first taste I had of Christmas cake was magical. Now I feel like I am ready to start my own personal official Christmas season…
For this is my first real Christmas. The first one when I can know the joy of my dear Saviour’s birth – ‘cause now He is that. Where a nativity scene makes me go actually wow and I don’t think about consumerism or any of that crap but truly have a different priority (despite the Starbuck’s reference!). I’m going to have a Christmas that is all about what it’s supposed to be…
Except, really there isn’t a biblical model for Christmas is there? No-one from the New Testament went around on the 31st December (or any other date) saying let’s keep Christmas about the important things. There is no guidance on how to be a Christian at Christmas and, especially given the fact that it was first based upon a pagan holiday, one might suggest the best way to be is to take down the tree and carry on as normal. Or at least break with the world traditions and any habits that aren’t strictly “kosher”.
But I like the tree. And I love buying presents for people (get me I’m already four up and have a whole month to go! That is organisation…). Jingle Bells do make me rock and I have been listening to Christmas music for a while now with no shame whatsoever. Sparkly lights and port by the fire, could you want for more? Can’t wait for the open air ice rink so I can get out my skates from Geneva and I LOVE a good Christmas classic on the telly. The way I see it there is no set formula for Christmas cheer and I am not giving up my crackers and baubles on a whim.
I am going to be intentional though. Starting today it is Christmas season and I want to spread joy and good cheer too all mankind. Wishing peace, showing love, delighting in the good things of life. Really this is just all things that being a Christian is kinda about and I don’t want to limit it to seasonality so I’m going to kick start it now but the plan is that the attitude of Christmas remains around a long time after the tree comes down.
Talking of which, it goes up today (and is Hot Pink!). ‘Tis the first year in my own home and I am excited to be starting my own traditions… which include decorations going up a month before to enjoy the season all the longer and also because it will be my half birthday every year. That’s right, 6 months since the B and going strong!
There are some really wonderful ideals for Christmas that do go beyond the cheesy superficial overcommercialised notions. But honestly, they aren’t just great ideas every now and then are they? In the same way dog is for life not just for Christmas I don’t really get why we would limit hope, peace, good will, love, generosity, joy, celebration and (maybe) talking about Jesus to once a year. The one thing I would say is perhaps we need to add in to the mix self-control…
Bring on Christmas with all your manmade glitz and idealism. Man gets a lot of things right too and it can be all too easy to focus on the bad things. Made in the image of our creator I reckon this is the season to share these good things and I don’t want to slag off something which values loads of good things too. It is a shame “They” have taken the Christ out of Christmas and that people call in the “winter holidays” instead but that does not mean we can’t enjoy being people together and sharing the love of our kindredness.
For this is my first real Christmas. The first one when I can know the joy of my dear Saviour’s birth – ‘cause now He is that. Where a nativity scene makes me go actually wow and I don’t think about consumerism or any of that crap but truly have a different priority (despite the Starbuck’s reference!). I’m going to have a Christmas that is all about what it’s supposed to be…
Except, really there isn’t a biblical model for Christmas is there? No-one from the New Testament went around on the 31st December (or any other date) saying let’s keep Christmas about the important things. There is no guidance on how to be a Christian at Christmas and, especially given the fact that it was first based upon a pagan holiday, one might suggest the best way to be is to take down the tree and carry on as normal. Or at least break with the world traditions and any habits that aren’t strictly “kosher”.
But I like the tree. And I love buying presents for people (get me I’m already four up and have a whole month to go! That is organisation…). Jingle Bells do make me rock and I have been listening to Christmas music for a while now with no shame whatsoever. Sparkly lights and port by the fire, could you want for more? Can’t wait for the open air ice rink so I can get out my skates from Geneva and I LOVE a good Christmas classic on the telly. The way I see it there is no set formula for Christmas cheer and I am not giving up my crackers and baubles on a whim.
I am going to be intentional though. Starting today it is Christmas season and I want to spread joy and good cheer too all mankind. Wishing peace, showing love, delighting in the good things of life. Really this is just all things that being a Christian is kinda about and I don’t want to limit it to seasonality so I’m going to kick start it now but the plan is that the attitude of Christmas remains around a long time after the tree comes down.
Talking of which, it goes up today (and is Hot Pink!). ‘Tis the first year in my own home and I am excited to be starting my own traditions… which include decorations going up a month before to enjoy the season all the longer and also because it will be my half birthday every year. That’s right, 6 months since the B and going strong!
There are some really wonderful ideals for Christmas that do go beyond the cheesy superficial overcommercialised notions. But honestly, they aren’t just great ideas every now and then are they? In the same way dog is for life not just for Christmas I don’t really get why we would limit hope, peace, good will, love, generosity, joy, celebration and (maybe) talking about Jesus to once a year. The one thing I would say is perhaps we need to add in to the mix self-control…
Bring on Christmas with all your manmade glitz and idealism. Man gets a lot of things right too and it can be all too easy to focus on the bad things. Made in the image of our creator I reckon this is the season to share these good things and I don’t want to slag off something which values loads of good things too. It is a shame “They” have taken the Christ out of Christmas and that people call in the “winter holidays” instead but that does not mean we can’t enjoy being people together and sharing the love of our kindredness.
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