Live Repentance feat. Analogy

I don't know what to blog about! I have lots of things I could do - both trivial and non - but I don't know which one to choose. I feel like writing about what is most recent given that would be the freshest "off the press" story and some of the others can go on hold easily... But there are even so many recent things to distill.

Had a great morning full of answers to prayer to do with work and hugely augmented faith as a result. Bit of a crash in the middle which I am putting down to Satan being so annoyed at earlier victory but with a great boost from a very well-timed sister! Amazing evening with my girlies which would take a lot of background info but was very inspired and boosting and wonderful... and then there was the drive home.

Not much has happened since I got in the door so I suppose that is the most recent thing.

I have a car. It is a bit of a luxury as a student. Especially given how safe and functional it is! I know I talk about environment and consumerism but I think that this car is OK and, selfishness aside, I will try and justify it. I see it very much as a gift from God and as such try and use it for other people where possible. Not in a "wow I'm holy way" but you know the bible says for those that use their gifts more is given and for those that don't they will be taken away - I figure if I give people lifts I may get my VW camper and if I don't I may have to take the bus. It's a nobrainer! Anyway. I have recently been able to do this a lot. It's cold and dark and there has been a bit of prowler around Brizzle but in that I have been picking up and dropping off girls and, well, I suppose letting God use me to protect them. I love it! So I was thanking him for this tonight when I took my friends home and it led me onto the story of how I got Valerie (the car). Which made me realise in turn some things that I probably needed to repent of! You can be my witnesses.

When I passed my test, back in the summer of '06, I didn't think I'd get a car. Then a friend of a friend was getting rid of their's and offered it my way. Even that was a God thing (not just 'cause they were a Christian) as it really did bless me tons and gave me a sense of freedom and security at a time when I was a bit unsettled and very not free. In honour of the Christianess of the gift I called the car Eli. It was defo a boy and I thought it was a cool name. Well then, a short way into the first term of the next academic year I had a little accident. First POI (point of impetus!): forgive and let go of blame in that - the person who did not indicate, the person who pissed me off before I got in the car, myself for being a numpty. CHECK. I still drove Eli for ages unrepaired, irresponsibly I suppose but the indicator worked - just. I'm sorry for that too - doesn't really show much love does it. When I got home at Christmas, the last day of term in fact (driving on the M25 to be specific) it finally gave up. I get home and I could not go right without waving an arm. Pretty cool stuff that it lasted till then exactly so thanks God!

It was a clear write-off. A car that cost a penny for legalistic ownership sakes was really not worth replacing the whole front and side of. Rubbish. Or not... here's a cunning tip for you kids: if you want a car get one that is cheap and dangerous, put all your brothers and sisters and their spouses in it, go visit the parents, then drive off in the dark with the bonnet making a noise as it scrape along the ground. This happened in the middle of the term and... well... long story short there was an early 21st present waiting for me back home!

The short story long is that they had been so distressed by this scenario that they decided I had to have a new car and it had to be before my birthday (in April) so it would come at Christmas. They chose it carefully and were going to surprise me with it in the new year just before I drove back but seeing my car at a new level of atrocity they ended up telling me straight away. I couldn't get it till the end of the hols 'cause one of the reasons they acted early was so it could first be used by this lovely missionary couple we know that visit England every Christmas back from their project in Uganda.

Well, needless to say I was delighted! Of course they were welcome to the car for now, I was the luckiest girl already. My wheels now had a roll cage! More than than even (important though it is I'm sure) it had a radio controlled lock and CD player!! OK, the crunch time was that it was a Nissan Micra new style... the girliest middle age car ever made and with a weird face at the front. The funny thing about this was that my parents had bought one 6 months prior (which is why they knew it was good) and at the time I had told them not to 'cause I hated them! Lol, that is so them not to remember, how endearing - I was so excited it didn't really matter.

'Cept when there is a though of negativity, even a little bit, there tends to be a build up of frustration in relationships. We say things are OK and push on trying to make it so, telling ourselves that we are bad for feeling, well ingratitude for example. Meanwhile it boils beneath the surface unless you deal with it or it erupts. Forcing loving ain't possible - it needs to come from God or it won't be lasting and for that we need to confess and ask him to help.

I can see you looking shocked that I ever had a problem, even for a minute, with this situation. What can I say - I told you I'm not holy. Spoiled brat comes to mind right...? Well, I agree. I'm all about exposing the past crap and the lies that bring us to that place and you know what, as I told this story to my car full of friends I realised that some of it just never got officially addressed. People at my church talk about "doing business with God" which makes me cringe but it does kinda have a point too. I often find myself saying "I'll do it later" and I realise that sometimes I find it hard to make time and concentrate and bring these things before Him. Well maybe that "another day" attitude is something that we get from Satan trying to stop us dealing with things that we'd benefit "settling up the account" over. So I'm doing it now, live as it were (!) to make sure I don't let that happen.

What happened then? Well Mum and Dad aren't hearing this for the first time - they did eventually bear the fall out of these pent up thoughts. Sorry 'bout that by the way - I'll ring you and do it properly, but sorry. I needed a bit of practise before the motorway trip so I took their Nissan for spin round Sainsbury's car park and it was then that I had a bit of a stress. The thing is Eli (who was a Mazda LX 121) had this really big square back window with visibility to die for (or not!) and I could park easily and see to the left and right and all kinds of good stuff like that. Check him out:

Suddenly a modern car with side bars and rounded design and safely features just didn't do it at all - I could not drive this car. It wasn't right for me; it wasn't 'me'. I panicked, I stressed, I let all the pent up frustrations ever get to me and God wasn't there to dispell that with his love, or heal any insecurities or damages. So I vented. Big time. I've always been a tell-it-like-it-is-girl but I used to be a lot less loving in that and I suppose for all these things I am really sorry too and need to say it - and accept forgiveness too.

At the time though it just came out. That they hadn't checked with me 'cause they wanted to do this for their friends and my input didn't count, they went for a car I told them I didn't like and didn't even care enough to remember that, they didn't actually care about me at all it was just "doing the right thing" and getting rid of potential guilt, their Christian motives came before their parental ones (always a killer for kids of Christians, ask any shrink!), they chose a car they didn't represent me at all - that wasn't anger so much as me being upset that I had to let go of Eli, retro and cool with a red and grey striped interior, boxy shape and tape player on which I listened to all the old Now's; then replace it with a modern girly-but-not-in-a-good-way boring car that made me a grown up before I was ready. I felt like I was missing the window on being a studenty fun cheap car'd chick who could paint patterns and what not. This was it. A few months of that was all I got. A mum-mobile before I was a mum that would last so long I'd be one by then and it would be too late to be cool.

I don't say this 'cause I want to make my folks feel bad. I acknowledge that it was totally not a valid reaction and most people would be shocked that I said this in response to a car given freely and lovingly out of a genuine care for safety and happiness. There was an oversight of not consulting me but it is just as much sweet that they wanted to surprise me and t'was my own "issues" that made this stuff come up, not their mistakes. Deep rooted ones that are put there by the enemy to upset us and drive wedges between people and hide away so we can't identify them. We were talking today about things from when we're young that we then need to deal with as adults. Happens to us all. Which is the point - one lady shared about her friend who had to forgive her mum for neglecting them as kids because she spent all her energies guarding them from an abusive father. It's hardly wrong and the frustrating thing is that were she to have not done that her daughter would be forgiving her for having not guarded them from an abusive father. It seems like a lose-lose situation.

The truth it, pobody is nerfect (I know, I'm sorry). In any relationship (and parents are just the obvious ones 'cause they are so early on and so key) things go wrong 'cause of the fallen human nature. When we grow up, or just move on, we need to take responsibility for this and learn to deal with it by letting God and his love sort out our problems. There was Adam and he brought in the shite but Jesus came to take it back out so really let's get over the inevitable flaws, forgiving ourselves and each other, so we can receive His perfection.

Our relationship with Him is based upon what we have modeled to us and if we can't get past the errors that will inevitably be there we won't be able to have a whole relationship with Him.

The funny thing too is that Valerie just is me now! Even named after a song that reminds me of me ("I miss your ginger hair and the way you like to dress" - what's that you say...? Narcissistic?). I was rebelling and not feeling ready for maturity but I was and it came and now, well, I am loving her and her electric windows and reliability and security and all that jazz. I like being warm when I drive along and having comfortable suspension! I love that God gave me a car and how, right since I got back, it has come in really handy for so many people. I still wouldn't say no a a VW one day but my identity is in Him and not in my transportation. Though I did just use my car as an analogy for my new life so in a way I suppose my identity is in my transportation... Oh it's late, I'm allowed to make no sense! Going back to the analogy briefly: dangerous wreck that nearly got me seriously injured - loving parent gave me a brand new wonderful safe and fitting vehicle that meets my needs and has far more value... Love it!

I love my car. I love my parents. I love my God. I love leaving old identities behind and coming into new ones. I smirk that my last post was about wanting to not be über-Christian but I still write about this before I share cabbage recipes... Oh well. Some things there just ain't no denying... You've such amazing grace :-)

N.B. The last line quotes an 80's power ballad called 'The Power of Love' but I figure noone will get that unnoitified.

Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometime

It's definitely wrong to make three posts in one night... but I've not been blogging in ages... I don't reckon I will for a while... and I think I may have just had one of those really tangibly "deep" moments. This post is going to be working things out as I go and who knows if it will make it to the publishing stage. Whatever happens, it will probably be real... and narcissistic.

I just watched "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". That is a cue for anyone that doesn't find this film meaningful to stop reading now. I had never seen it, I knew it was a classic, the story sounded interesting indeed but I think that I avoided it because I could not deal with the concept of forgetting. I am, as I may have mentioned, a hoarder. Of all things, tangible and existential. I've been facing up to this challenge of late and the timing was perfect.

'Cause recently I have been doing some active forgetting. Recently as in this past year since God starting changing my life, these past 3 months since I got back to England, these past few weeks as I've been facing some residual memories, these last few days as I've had to challenge all of the above. The imagery is a big boulder that He smashed to pieces with His love and the revelation thereof but now He is going around picking out the bits of gravel - and some of them are pretty wedged in.

I threw out a bag of "stuff" last week which was neat. Took it with me from London to Bristol to deal with but couldn't face getting it out the car till then. Nothing specifically dodge but I needed to let it go for memories sake. I'm pretty sure that when I go back at Christmas there will be a whole lot more of that to do and so I'm getting ready...

Last night (late Friday) I had a conversation I shouldn't have about a person I don't know anymore. You know, when you can tell you are in an unhealthy discussion and that there is a lot of potential for badness but you are tired, hurting and frankly too stupid to know better. I was challenged on my memories and came away not sure what I recall as fact and fiction - problem with saying things best unsaid is that you end up hearing things best unheard. Let's call a spade a spade, I'd "erased" someone from my life and sometimes they do just creep back in.

The risk of being someone with a past (i.e. anyone) that can't be wiped clear whether you want to, don't want to or sometimes want to, is that it stays around. Even when we are sanctified by the blood of Jesus; even when we have forgiven, are guilt free and looking ahead; our brains have an uncanny way of wanting to defy all the best intentions in the world. I know that it is a decision I must make to move forward. It's a decision I have already made without any doubt in my mind, yet it is a decision I must continue to keep making. Still, having a piece of history based around love - which is what we seem to base our most significant things around - is messy 'cause it mixes up good stuff with not good stuff and leaves the two so tangled you can end up throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

We shouldn't say goodbye to love but we must learn to extract it back for ourselves and put it to better use somewhere else. I don't want to leave my heart in a memory then try and erase the memory but equally I don't want to carry the crap around with me.

The thing that really struck me was that the minute before I watched the film I read a poem (have been trawling the labyrinth of my files, hence the sudden splurge of them) and I had opened one I did not recognise then forgotten so that it popped up when I was closing programs. It's from last October and isn't very positive: all about stuff going wrong really...

What comes before a fall?
“They” say pride.
The inevitable fall out of a conceited heart
Just desserts on every part

What comes before a fall?
I say hope.
The inevitable fall out of an expectant heart
Just surviving alone in the dark

What is it that makes a fail?
Pushing resources beyond the mark
With pacing yourself and working hard
Success will entail, set you apart

What is it that makes me fail?
Trying for something I cannot live out?
Or speaking the words that make it go south?
Having an attitude full of doubt

How to avoid the spiraling doom?
Cannot expect for risk of defeat
Instead, telling forth, I sow what I reap.
When what we believe is the key to our curse
With each emphasis it gets worse and worse

Can the pattern be broken?
One thing’s for sure
Writing this verse isn’t the cure

I just love that it is about self-curses which is effectively what we put in place when we hold onto our broken memories and give them power in our lives. I suppose the point is a reminder that we need to break the patterns. Not be moping over the defeat or the fall or anything else that is going to drag us down but by letting the memory be where it is, in the past. God doesn't want to give us a hope and a past now does He? Jesus came to make all things new.

So don't tell me that that film is all about the need to remember things you sometimes want to forget. It is about dealing with memories properly. Not running away but also not deciding that they are all there is to the truth. We are/should be changing all the time into what we don't fully know but memories can only tell us about the past, not the future.

"What a loss to spend that much time with someone, only to find out she’s a stranger." The fear of letting go is that we have wasted time but ironically the more we hold onto it the more we waste. There's gonna be no junk in heaven anyway so why have it here on earth? It's funny, you get warned about storing up your treasures on earth but sometimes we are storing up far worse things.

Change your heart, look around you. Change your heart, it will astound you. Parting theme tune, parting theme. Goodnight.

MIssing... assumed stressed/bored/lost/injured/lazy/backslid/busy/dead

I think that's it.

Actually I am OK. If I had to be any of the above I think it would be busy, but mostly I'm frustrated at still not being online!

I wasn't sure I was going to write a blog as I am only on the internet 'cause I fancied going for a late night walk, then I though I'm going past the maths department so why not take my laptop and make the most of the 24/7 wifi (or whiffee should I say Darryl) connection as I hadn't checked my mail in a while (haven't quite worked out how to do remote webmail access for my email address without following the link on my laptop). So I am here sitting on a cold step praying I don't get piles and wondering what I really should be doing, if I could work out God's mind exactly.

Maybe deciding for myself?!

That is one of them things about Christianity. Looking to God for all the answers. I became really sure that God was totally in control of it all and had an ideal plan for me. Then I realised that I had taken the whole biblical stance and seen it as a way to not have to make any decisions. Classic giving up control to someone more powerful than me because I was afraid to be strong for myself. So then when I realised that God isn't going to explicitly tell me how to spend every spare minute of my day the panic of getting things wrong really came along. That is what once upon a time stopped me from being able to choose meals in restaurants (I still struggle with that a bit but believe me, if you saw me before you'd realise that's nothing!) and disabled me from walking down the street without about 6 different tics or compulsive traits.

I really struggled with control. It's ironic that I looked externally to people that could take control of my life so I didn't have to then I would struggle internally with the lack of control that I had. Self control is a huge issue in Christianity - it surprises me how many people struggle with it and don't even realise - but I don't think that is where I am going today.

Today it is about using God as a way to diminish responsibility for our own lives. Like by praying in the morning we no longer have to make plans for the day it will all fall together.

This is a hard thing for me to grapple with. Partly 'cause a lot of the time cool God-incidences do happen. Thursday all I did was bump into people that I seemed "supposed" to spend time with and before I knew it it was evening and I had redeveloped old relationships, made a fabulous new friend and met loads of people I felt I should pray for. Today I found myself wondering up Gloucester road late afternoon, all the shops were shutting I was miles from my car and I was like "What am I doing here?". Then I bumped into someone from church that had gone a different way home than usual (and was annoyed at himself for it) who had been walking around all day saying "What do you want to say to me God?". I ended up giving him apparently really sound advice which can't have been from me and we both went home feeling like it was supposed to happen.

But it isn't necessarily always like that. I have also had times where I have gotten so worked up by what I should and shouldn't do that I have totally overlooked taking control and making my own mind up - wanting God to take the burden of choice away and ensure I do not make a mistake, then feeling lost if He isn't obviously there. Hating the feeling of purposelessness for even a minute, like life is about what we are fulfilling and forgetting that actually I am quite small in the scheme of things, that God has told me exactly what does and doesn't glorify Him and that today, right now, it doesn't matter too much as long as I aim to please.

All too often the temptation is to look at every minute situation and try and see what God is doing in it. A classic Christian thing is to say "maybe God is trying to tell me something". Like when I was looking for my iPod before I came out for a walk and couldn't find it I thought "well maybe God wants me to pray or listen or something and so is stopping me". That is pretty crazy though because for one thing if I was really adamant about listening to music this evening I would have just said to myself "clearly Satan doesn't want me to listen to worship songs as I walk along" because that would have suited me. As though everything has to have some kind of spiritual significance.

Which TOTALLY negates our own responsibility for life. Not everything comes to us with a quick prayer and waiting. Sometimes we have to make a choice.

Like if God wants to talk to me quietly, or just have me spend time with him, having my iPod wouldn't change that. My choice to listen would be the deciding factor for if it happened - I have to make the effort, I have to WANT it. I like having music on as I walk, I like getting absorbed in it and avoiding the mundane route I take everyday. I put Christian music on my iPod so that I feel less bad about the escapism, but perhaps it would be a good opportunity to let Him in. Afterall, while Tim Hughes is fabulous, he is but a fallible image of The Almighty.

This kind of stuff for me is a nightmare. One of my favourite things about becoming a Christian (Jesus aside) was the idea that I never again had to worry about choice or getting things wrong. Or so I thought. Surely with God in control, someone that has my best interests at heart AND knows how to fullfill them, things might be hard but they would always be Right. Right? The realisation that I still have input and responsibility and thus the potential for failure sucked ass. Gives a whole new meaning to the term 'Human Error'.

The freedom to mess up was, and still is, scary. The thing is though, no matter what mistakes we make He is able and willing to bring great stuff out of them, 'cause God is never going to give you up, never going to let you down, never going to run around and desert you.

I was going to be lazy and upload an old poem, turns out I found more than enough to say! Night x