SIN

The dirty word.

We all talk about it, we all do it (well I think so) and in a lot of the circles I move we all feel bad about it (eventually anyway)...

But what is it?

It could be easy to say that at some point in the church's history the human element took over and tried to control the world, money, politics etc by the power of guilt. In a sense this is fairly true. I've been getting involved with Agapé a bit this term. One of my flatmates before I lived in GVA worked for them and when I got back it suddenly fitted incredibly well with, well, with me. I have this darling friend who works for them called Grace and she took me out last week evangelising with her...! Yes, it is as mental as it sounds. Basically, three times a week they make a point of each going out into coffee shops and approaching people to talk to them about God. They get all kinds of reactions but one of the main aims is to ensure that they themselves stay a bit out of their comfort zone... I loved it. Well, I mean the scariness of "the approach" aside I really enjoy talking to strangers and having something to do it about is pretty fun (as long as I'm not feeling insecure 'cause obviously the coin would be somewhat flipped then). What is my point with this? Other than how good a Christian I am...? We spoke for over an hour to 4 student girls who all basically think that the church judges too harshly, that the pope is crap (I'm not going to start an interdenominational riot - Satan would bloody love that), that Christianity condemns them for things they really don't see as bad and that it just isn't right that people who don't commit horrific crimes should go to hell. The postulated idea was to have an atheists room for anyone that missed the point with God but weren't evil.

And I found myself apologising for the way they have percieved Christ. Taking some kind of responsibility for Christianity that got it wrong, were corrupt, didn't make it clear and allowed this to become a common view in culture today. Even this afternoon I was thinking about how sad it is that one of my "jobs" as a Christian is to try and undo the damage that "The Church" has done in it's past.

But you know what? I am fed up of this. I don't want to keep apologising for how "We" got it wrong. Human error aside, pure corruption acknowledged, the vast amount of Christians over history have been very sincere and were acting within their own social context. Why should I stress about people feeling condemned when they are??

Yes. This is my judgement post. You think I've been bad before, you ain't seen nothing yet. All over the world Christian's and non-alike (I am sad to confess) are being really really rubbish. Then, to top it all off, they are pretending that it is OK. THEN, just because it isn't bad enough they turn around to the laws of God and the people that try and follow them and have a go for condemnation.

WE DESERVE CONDEMNATION.

Think about it. If God is this purely loving being that wants to see the whole world alight with joy and fullfillment in him then you tell me that even just in your own personal relationships you treat the people you care about with proper love all the time and never slag them off or get annoyed or act selfishly or anything like that... you would be lying. We don't even have to call it God, we can see it as the "goodness in humanity" or some "power" or "greater force". I know TONS of people that think 'friends and family' are the thing that life is about. That is, Relationships. That is, Love. Well, for me that is what I call God. Yet anyone that sees life as having purpose greater than physical wealth still messes up in the pursuits of these "important" things.

Then of course there is the bigger picture. Beyond selfish behaviour and broken relationships we live in a consumer driven lifestyle that is destroying the planet and the most vulnerable people on it. Be it high street shops that use all-too-cheap cheap labour in India to unfairly traded chocolate that uses child slaves that have been stolen or bought on the Cote d'Ivoire. There's been a recent campaign which involves having fondue parties to raise awareness of this issues, I went to my third last night(!) and it takes this much to force me to change one thing on a list of hundreds I do that don't love this planet and these people like I theoretically want to. And I am begrudging as I have to give up Oreos. AND my first reaction was that it is a marketing ploy to sell more "Fairtrade" products. I am a BAD person.

Not one of us is guilt free.

Not one of us can justifying saying to the most perfect source of life and love on this planet (whoever He/She/They/It may be) that we deserve to go to a room for mediocre people because we didn't really see what we do wrong up close and personal and it wasn't that extreme. There is no ratio between 0-bad and a-little-bit-bad. If you had to fit into one category and the choice was perfect or imperfect which would you be?

I think it's high time we stopped telling people that the church doesn't condemn them. I personally condemn each and every member of society and think it's high time they stopped the apathy and started condemning themselves.

Maybe then people will GET why Jesus is so bloody important.

Unnamed Poem

I found this poem I wrote a coupla weeks ago. Kinda at this point when I was a) sitting in Starbucks struggling to get any work done, and b) questioning how sincere I felt about the call to "reach" people as something other than academically discernible. Which is something I touched upon in my last post I think. So I kinda started thinking about what it's like to not have Jesus and I'm not being condescending here, I can remember. I don't suppose it feels the same for everyone but I guess what I'm saying is that this is a valid account for at least one person. Thus follows the as-yet-unnamed poem (Aside: after I wrote it I managed to get quite a lot of work done which was cool):

You’re living a life from hell
Ideals designed to keep you down
In the dark, cold, lonely place
Terrified look on your face
Never enough
These thoughts from the depths
Keep you there daily
A struggle to find truth
Joy quashed by bitter faded dreams
Life is not what you thought it should be
You have made your bed, clearly see the road ahead
Garish lamps light the way
Down
Deceive yourself what you know well
Can’t conceive of going to hell
But yet, there you are now

What is it like to live in fear?
Hating everything, even those near
Even you
Pushing through
The gloom
When lighter shadows are the best you can get
In between the dark regret
A moment that seems what life is about
Till once again the lights go out

I am there
Watching
It hurts so bad to see you sad
I cannot bear to know that you do not know I care
What to do?
How can I get through the cloud you choose?
Though you do not realise the alternative
There is more than this
This is not it.
The pain
To know I love in vain
That in a moment all hope will be lost
The choice will be taken, eternity to pay the cost
I cannot cope with the idea
I must do something
Loud
Drastic
That lasts across the years

Are you listening?
I LOVE YOU
I’ll come right now and tell you
Why do you not want to hear such truth?
The best news yet fear conquers all
I’ll shout louder
You’ll fight harder
Do you not know this hurts me so?
I am your biggest fan
Yet you always look to man

I’ll show you
A picture speaks a thousand words
The ultimate visual aid
Our pain, demonstrated, in My Father’s name
Watch me reel
Writhing
The worst you know before your eyes
Plus what you cannot see inside
This is how it felt to see you suffer my child.
The lights go out
As the world acknowledges what has gone down in this place
The King of all in such disgrace
All so you can my know His grace

The son rises
And the sun rises
Chasing the shadows away
Having born all the grief from all your deeds
You are free to greet the day!
I suffered because I love you
See that it is true
And EVERYTHING you know will be made new…

Touching Base

I am still alive. I am not going to write anything particularly insightful, inciteful, witty or interesting and I am tired. I just feel out of touch with BGB and like I should say hello. You are the most meaningful relationship in my life!

In current news: Cleo has been living with me since last Friday (2 weeks) and has been lovely though a bit gross at times. I drafted a post on that so will leave you in suspense...; I have been really busy but found time to do nothing which was great! More of the same soon please...; I spent 4 hours this afternoon colouring in whilst I helped woman a stall for Voix Libres and they tried to raise money. It felt a bit strange bringing people in to get stuff from them - doing children's work is supposed to be a sneaky way to give them something I thought. Still, have a really pretty picture now and have touched base with my "altruistic" side; carrot eating is not gonig so well - I am averaging 7 on a good day but today I only had three :-( I will probably drink a litre of juice before bed to make up for this; praying is going not much better - I was on a role but then I went and got all despondent and deflated. Will try and bulk up on that before bed too...; Going to my first wedding as a Christian this Saturday. In England. In Snodland moreover. Exciting. Felt like God thinks it's a good idea as the invite was *quite* last minute but it all feel "right" y'know. Am going in fancy dress; I have forgotten how to use punctuation and have no intention of proofreading this for signs of intelligence; things I have been struggling with include feeling like maybe I was overdoing it on the whole God is in charge thing as a way to avoid dealing with life - I realised I can't without Him. But I am slowly working out that while, yes, we are supposed to learn independence over time we are still, overall, subject totally to His will (or if not then by default unfortunately subject to whatever passing danger can find us) and can rest in the fact that He sets us up to survive with things like common sense, freewill (used wisely) and all sorts of stuff like that. I feel like I am being let go of a bit, like a toddler taking first steps, and am not enjoying it and questioning whether the hand is there but when I do fall He props me back up and slowly I think I am catching on that the love has not changed, I have just stepped up a notch.

Hmmm, that was profound wasn't it? I'm even starting a new paragraph to acknowledge that, right now, I am in a place of being let go and finding it scary but now I have worked it out through venting I think I will be ok. I am struggling with the balance between being too scared to go alone and not ignoring God's input and the need to ask for help. I think it is a matter of knowing that He chose my time and place (tried to find the verse, not going to happen) and that I don't need to pray over every date I put in my diary. That said, I am pretty hopeful the wedding counts as significant enough to attribute to God, it is a pretty big upheaval otherwise.

In other news, I am approaching the issue of chucking useless stuff away. The fear I can't combines with the fear I have not changed really, just going through a phase. Screw fear, today I let Caro do my washing up. All things are possible! Allelujah.

I want to stop writing now. I will do some more soon. Oh. I had a thought today. For those Christians out there, I want to start a new man hunt campaign and this time someone that won't find out and knows me. So, I propose that we all start praying for Russell Brand. American's, looking him up it is worth it. Seriously, would that not be the BEST conversion EVER and talk about an interesting follow up biography: "My Conversion Wersion". Or quelque chose comme ça. Seriously, get praying.

Night.

P.S. Just heard that the kickboxing class at my old gym has finished. One of the few good things I was looking forward to going back to in Bristol (as opposed to all the bad things I was looking forward too!). Sad, but also feels like it is cutting ties to past life and now I will find something new. Hmmmm... think think think, one less consistent thing to tide me over but one more freedom too.

Thank You

Sometimes life gets hard. I mean, I think this is true for everyone, it is definitely true for me. I used to be depressed and, even though I have found God, I can still get that way sometimes. I think it is a part of life, a part of being in this body and in this world and subject, dare I say it, to things I may not even be able to see. I can limit and control it but I do not believe there is an easy fix to quit it. Sometimes we are healed from things, sometimes we learn from them. Right now I am learning.

But it is definitely different with God. And a lot of it I think comes from the concept of spirit controlling the soul. I know what can trigger me a lot of the time but even when I don't, He grants me a peace inside that means I can master the brief interlude. One of the things I do when I am down is write - poetry and songs quite a lot of the time. It seems to help.

Life has been a bit hard recently. Not majorly but a few niggles combined with a bit of stress and some good old fashioned drawing near to the end sadness and fear of the future have tarried together gallantly. Tonight as I was rereading some old stuff (I am trying to finish off songs so I can do some recording before I leave Caro, my fabulously musically gifted and equipped friend) I came across this poem. I wrote it way back at the start of November when there was some shit going down, just after I had discovered God and when I knew even less about Him than I do now. I'm going to show it to you 'cause it is so uplifting for me to remember both how real He was even in the past (where sometimes the truth of things seems to wear off) and how far I have come, yet also to be encouraged by a much 'younger' me and regain some of the early wonder. I don't normally share this shit so please, don't be mean.

"This time in my misery
I still get out of bed
Why is that?

I have never felt so bad
The news is worse everyday
Yet the burden I bear is OK

How is it so that in my utter weakness
I have found strength?
My prayer is so weak and broken
Yet the answer is loud and clear

Even when I despair and see no way
I still stand, still get through, still go on
Why is it that this time I don’t feel the pain as strong?

That the moments pass as they need
And after I am still here
And can still smile and still see beauty and still see truth

For the first time really see truth or right or way or reason

Thank you for getting me through this in a way I could not foresee
The yoke is not so heavy this time, though the burden is greater
There must be someone else pulling with me

And even before, when misery was harsher and deeper and more painful
Yet I still got to here with less damage than I could have bore
And though my heart was scarred, broken and torn
Now it feel like it may once again be whole

So thank you, who I do not yet know
Who loves me and I still can’t grasp
Who watches me and influences my path

Carry on when the way is dark, be my light to keep me on track
And thank you once again that I am not looking back."

Life really has changed a lot, so Thank You.

F'd in the A

I am so happy today! Despite the rain which is incessant and totally got in the way of my swim in the lake. Yesterday my weather prayer was SO successful that this morning I decided to take my swim suit with me, rather than my umbrella... I ended up walking down the street with a towel over my head!

Still. Nice lunch, met some lovely new people at church 'fya know what I mean...?! ;-) Enjoyed playing the piano in the service; I have been doing that for a few months now, approx every other week and am SO lovin' it. It's really helped me with my ability and confidence and been one of the more blatant blessings of life here.

What other ones are there? Well, getting away from the UK to be honest was a much needed and welcome break. Then there is my pimp place to live (I have a rooftop pool!) and wonderfully slow working week (4-20 hours long during the afternoon and some weekends) which is now totally at an end for the summer. So many fabulous opportunities for trips and activities like skiing, rafting and other fun stuff came along too. The friends, who I can't begin to express how much I love and value, play a MAJOR part: at the YAGs group (I'll expound another time, needless to say a silly Christian acronym but I have heard worse!), church and the ones I met in trains and clubs too - love you guys!

I have also learnt A LOT. God aside, one obvious thing is French, which though not at all perfect is much better. My dear friend who teaches me for free and diligently sees me every week over a lovely soirée has really taught me a lot, both linguistically and spiritually. Others have shown me a bit of Russian too (I can ask where the toilets are, recite poetry and say "I want to have your babies"!) which will come in handy when I adopt my Eastern European baby. Well, it might not. I mean there are lots of languages 'over there' and I probably won't get a Russian child since they actually have population problems and, as Erkki says, "You have to learn Finnish to understand Finnish" which I think is a principle that can be applied to most languages.

I digress.

Sometimes I feel like I am in a stream of consciousness. I ought to read that book that Carolyn told be about (please remind me) but I would struggle 'cause I'd then want to write about it afterwards/as I went along and so the vicious cycle continues. I do feel a bit like Russell Brand when he says his life is a "serious of embarrassing incidents strung together by telling people about those embarrassing incidents" but where you replace the word 'embarrassing' with 'mediocre' and 'telling' with 'boring [people] with'... And perhaps 'people' with 'my parents, my sister and MS twice a day'. Hmmm.

I have a bit of an obsession with remembering things though, hence the stream-like flow. I sometimes need to boycott journaling 'cause else it takes over and I do literally spend my life writing about it. (I mostly got the blog to force me to check spelling and grammar.) This is also exemplified (word choice?) in things such as filling up my phone Inbox and then getting a new one! And I keep all the receipts and labels I ever get; if you saw my room back home you might wonder what all the drawers and boxes are full of. Well, now you know!

But, slowly, that is being dealt with. For a start I no longer print receipts at cash machines - breakthrough! Funny story: when I told Darryl I 'need' to keep receipts he took it very to heart and when he ordered his lunch gave me his food ticket too. Sweet. I was like, Darryl, I don't need yours.... but, well, now I do 'cause it's a keepsake! Ha ha!

So, I just came clean about one of my biggest oddities. I didn't even mean to, I really am good at digressing aren't I?! I suppose I see it as one of the bigger blessing from this year; freedom from shit like that. I don't think I could do it on my own strength and I see little point in trying now I know God is much better. It's like, I could just about cope and be really argggh or I could give up, move on and reach higher heights. Why take 40 years to get across a 40 day desert? He is in general responsible for everything so I may as well let him be in total control and do it really really well. I have 40kg to bring all my stuff back, which is a lovely biblical number, let's see what God can do...!

Oh and meaning of title? Well, that is a legendary phrase that my student used when she had done something really well (if you don't get it don't ask, you don't want to know) and seeing as she got a 6/7 for her maths mark today I am pretty pleased. I was going for the 7 but hey, she wasn't even passing last year and this way I get to not be proud!

So, another blessing from my time abroad. That and the Salvation. Shouldn't forget Salvation... Which by the way has 7 meanings from original Jewish (I think I mean Hebrew right?) or perhaps Greek: saved, protected, liberated, preserved, free from harm, complete, without defect. I like these all.

Shit old life: F'd that in the A. Even better than a good exam result in my humble opinion... Sorry if it got too personal; I think perhaps that green tea does, after all, have caffeine in it (I know you told me sis but I didn't want to believe you and I could not see it on the box). Whoops.

Yet still mostly Whoop!!

To Russia, With Love

I have spent a lot of time going on about how fabulous my brand spank new life is. Possibly to a sickening degree. Today I want to make it clear that exciting as life here is (and believe me today was pretty special - someone at music practise asked for some of my water and it turns out they were testing what I was drinking! That's how excited I was...) I do have a dual identity and back in Bristol, UK where I make my home I am eagerly awaiting the completion of my degree and an exciting future built around the ragamuffin youth of today (or cruise ship singing). Not only that but I am not altogether going to give some aspects of pre-Geneva and they need to be acknowledged.

I say this for two reasons. 1) I arranged my return flight today (24th August for anyone who cares) and have been doing the necessary planning for moving and scheduling and whatnot which got me all nostalgic; and 2) I just spoke to Ana and she has not gotten enough air time recently...!

Anastasia is my best cold hearted Russian friend. We've known each other since 2004 but only became close mates 10 days before I left last August. Strange that - we lived round the corner from each other briefly and had nothing better to do! The first weeks and months of life here were made so much easier with her on skype. I remember fondly the good old days of Friday nights in with a bottle of wine - at either end! As things picked up pace for both of us we became more independent but she helped me loads through the initial period and I was so lucky to have her - I like to think it was all part of 'the plan' and I don't think she'll mind being called a Gift from God!

We wanted to live together, get a puppy together (called Roger) and grow old together when men failed us. Sadly, she went and fell in love (with one of my friends no less) and is now living with him, getting a puppy with him and growing old together with, wait for it, him! Dan, you are a lovely but seriously mate, do you know what you are letting yourself in for? This is the mean Bond Villain Nazi that believes in survival of the fittest for all human beings and scared me into writing her a tribute in my blog!

I have missed you my Russian Princess :-)

Heaps of blessings to you both as you move into your first proper home together next week... :-O (mental) x x x

Back in the day: