2,000

That's a lot of visits! Well, it's obviously interval dependent but it's still a nice sounding big number! I'd like to thank my parents, for their unceasing interest in my life; my sister for logging in a few times a day to make me look popular and generally being really encouraging; Darryl for humouring me and giving me the prod to start with; Ms Spitfire for loads (though I'm going to do that with a sulky face given she doesn't seem to be around very much right now :-S); British Nathan for being so affirming early on; Lizzie for being so affirming recently; anyone that has ever commented really; my "followers" (oh I have noticed the number grew to plural and then some!); all you people who visit a normal amount :-P; anyone that typed in a song lyric and by chance found me (it still counts as a hit!)... Ummm, and I think that might be it. If you don't fit into those formal catergories then the jury is out on whether you can have a proper class - it may compromise the hierarchy of sets but, to hell with it, have your own collection and I'll thank you too!

I am a pretty different person since I started writing. I think that I have changed a lot since my first counted visitor (I actually added the counter on the eve on my B so I know that have changed a lot) but it's not all been for good. Lots of God - Yay! A bit too much Christianity - *sharp intake of breath*. I of course mean by the world's definitions and not the biblical one. Words are what you make them people - semantics are everything. As I saw once on a random wall in Vienna just at the right moment:
"Don't try to be an apple if you're a banana, you'll only be a second rate apple."
I have almost definitely overcompensated at times - I can be a bit of an all or nothing girl. Made in the image of Christ not generic Christian. It's funny to joke about but less funny to become.

We'll talk about that another time. I've used enough words, I'm off to watch Neighbours!

Thank You Parents

My parents are THE BEST EVER. Like, I know we all say it (or sometimes really don't!) but today I think they may have surpassed the limit of giving good gifts to their children into downright inconceivable.

Whilst I have been away they have supervised the repair of all my windows, built me a bed, put up my bathroom cabinet, hung my curtains, bought and fitted a pulleyed clothed dryer in my kitchen, dropped off the furniture that matches my grandparents old dresser (that they also gave me), renewed the tax disc in my car, done my washing... and I've probably missed or forgotten or just not found out something else...

I am not trying to boast. I am trying to say 'Thank You' and 'I Love You'. I also want to make an analogy.

I find it hard to write this post because:
a) it sounds really cheesy and I know that there have probably been LOADS of times where I have not been so vehement of this attitude (justifiably and not!) and generally it seems glib,
and
b) I know how lucky I am and it can't be easy for people that don't have parents, don't have such obviously attentive caring ones, or maybe theirs just can't help them is such ways... I feel bad rubbing that in those people's face and also like I come across a little smug.

But the thing is, this is such a perfect example of what parenthood can be. In this moment of wonderfulness (which can also be seen in the times of discipline, hardship and controversy but is perhaps less obvious) I can see clearly an image of the fatherhood and motherhood of God. I don't want to overlook the glory of this feeling so I think I will write about it anyway.

The role of a parent is so important in the way it is an example of our relationship with God (like how marriage demonstrates another aspect - don'tcha just love how diverse relationships are, how with God we have all the sorts rolled into one and that He gives us examples of the different aspects!). That is a huge challenge to rise to and of course they are going to get it wrong sometimes.

Though for some that may seem like an understatement and with this symbolism comes it's own problems. Firstly I am aware that not everyone feels the same joy in these type of relationships. As with any hardship it is easier said that done to say that God is working through that to teach and to bring good things and that His parentage however hands-off it may seem (not true mind) is sufficient. So often it becomes easy for us to assimilate our negative images of parents with the biblical analogy and think that the worldly elements of error is something we receive from our Heavenly Father instead of those being exactly what He isn't. That sucks and I am sorry.

'Cause when I look at what I have and what maybe others don't I am reminded that we all have the same promises from God. And that what my parents fail at, He doesn't. And that the size of what they give is tiny in comparison with what He gives. So, while it may be a rubbish thing to hear me to say, I am glad that there is in the world examples of parentage being this lovely 'cause it can help just a little bit to understand what it means to be a child of God. You can't deny I am lucky and He does all the above and more: wow am I looking forward to finding out His surprises...!

Another thing I have realised is how easy it is for me to say thank you and I love you in a really heartfelt way to my biological parents:
a) Shameful fact that it is the result of a direct gift is telling of how easily I forget otherwise,
and
b) When it's God and you can't see the joy in His face or hear it in his voice, does it feel as rewarding? Are we as compelled?

I can't be ashamed to have such great folks, to do so would be to shirk the gift that God gave me when he put me in this family. So today I just want to say 'Thank You' and 'I Love You'. To my earthly parents - superstars and a wonderful demonstration of His love; and to Him, for blessing me with them.

Thank You

Sometimes life gets hard. I mean, I think this is true for everyone, it is definitely true for me. I used to be depressed and, even though I have found God, I can still get that way sometimes. I think it is a part of life, a part of being in this body and in this world and subject, dare I say it, to things I may not even be able to see. I can limit and control it but I do not believe there is an easy fix to quit it. Sometimes we are healed from things, sometimes we learn from them. Right now I am learning.

But it is definitely different with God. And a lot of it I think comes from the concept of spirit controlling the soul. I know what can trigger me a lot of the time but even when I don't, He grants me a peace inside that means I can master the brief interlude. One of the things I do when I am down is write - poetry and songs quite a lot of the time. It seems to help.

Life has been a bit hard recently. Not majorly but a few niggles combined with a bit of stress and some good old fashioned drawing near to the end sadness and fear of the future have tarried together gallantly. Tonight as I was rereading some old stuff (I am trying to finish off songs so I can do some recording before I leave Caro, my fabulously musically gifted and equipped friend) I came across this poem. I wrote it way back at the start of November when there was some shit going down, just after I had discovered God and when I knew even less about Him than I do now. I'm going to show it to you 'cause it is so uplifting for me to remember both how real He was even in the past (where sometimes the truth of things seems to wear off) and how far I have come, yet also to be encouraged by a much 'younger' me and regain some of the early wonder. I don't normally share this shit so please, don't be mean.

"This time in my misery
I still get out of bed
Why is that?

I have never felt so bad
The news is worse everyday
Yet the burden I bear is OK

How is it so that in my utter weakness
I have found strength?
My prayer is so weak and broken
Yet the answer is loud and clear

Even when I despair and see no way
I still stand, still get through, still go on
Why is it that this time I don’t feel the pain as strong?

That the moments pass as they need
And after I am still here
And can still smile and still see beauty and still see truth

For the first time really see truth or right or way or reason

Thank you for getting me through this in a way I could not foresee
The yoke is not so heavy this time, though the burden is greater
There must be someone else pulling with me

And even before, when misery was harsher and deeper and more painful
Yet I still got to here with less damage than I could have bore
And though my heart was scarred, broken and torn
Now it feel like it may once again be whole

So thank you, who I do not yet know
Who loves me and I still can’t grasp
Who watches me and influences my path

Carry on when the way is dark, be my light to keep me on track
And thank you once again that I am not looking back."

Life really has changed a lot, so Thank You.