Backtrack

I’m blogging ‘cause I want to. Deal with it. The paper evolved to something more exciting and more manageable which is now on hold because I am having a personal crisis, so I am back. For the time being anyway.

I went on a Christian conference and stopped believing. Worse than that, I went on an Evangelism incentivating weekend and stopped loving others.

We are talking genuinely not caring about unreached people groups.

I wish I could tell you I’m better now but I can’t. I can tell you how I feel about it all though.

Like I’ve lost everything.

I draft this on a Sunday night. On Saturday I felt aflame. I had some wicked bad chats with people I care about over Christmas. Thought I was getting really excited about God’s work in my life and in how he uses/is going to use me. Even at the start of the conference I was like 'ooooh I’m getting encouragement and guidance and lovin’ all this surrender'.

Then in the blink of an eye it was gone. I was in shock. Confused. Crying a lot and just realising that the whole thing was made up. Back in March my best friend stopped being my friend when I first discovered God and said I was always bound to “‘cause I was so miserable all the time.” Oh my goodness 'they have a point' I could suddenly see. In the midst of this I have to go out and do street evangelism which either was a huge success ‘cause God wants to show he can use me in my weakness or out of some irony that it is still about how bloody good I am at approaching randoms and “fulfilling my commission”.

As I realised more and more how I just don’t care like I should about these video clips we are seeing, I must have one by one broken down in front of everyone from my “team”. Great. Now I’m attention seeking.

Later we had a Christian rock band (lol) come and do a gig and all I wanted to do was dance and love it but all I could think was “my bubble has burst and now it is over”. The worst it’s ever been since the start. I eventually ended up talking to my dear friend Grace (so glad of her name!) and the situation came down to thus: I can’t possibly just start believing again by choice ‘cause it will be fake, like I was always afraid it was and had (I thought) worked through the first time. It could be Satan backlashing to good stuff, for example how the evening before I felt I had loads of direction to write a column for the regular student paper (pray if you believe) particularly in this verse, but I can’t assume that either. The joke was that Satan lying to me is the less of two evils (the greater being that it is definitely not real, obviously).

Somehow though, I came to a bit of a point where I could, almost bizarrely, have some semblance of hope. Wrapped in irony and cynicism I concluded that there was a chance this could all be part of God working amazingly in me as a response to certain areas I have been praying about. Particularly given a friend prophesied over me in November that God would drop in really deep foundations of The Word, Hope, Faith and Love that would be incredibly painful ‘cause he wanted to do it quickly so that I was “ready” soon. The first three I have had sort of confirmation over (not that they are finished, obviously, it is always a work in progress) but I was (and still am) battling with the love (not never having it but like it was not consistent to or from me and still had a long way to go, I may explain at greater length another time). It is the greatest of these after all. Last term was not easy but it was not unbearable… and then this weekend the pain started to hit. Wow. The very opposite of love became so true for me.

So when Grace said she felt like God was doing something really deep (which I took with huge amounts of ‘yeah buts’) I shared that other prophecy and she got all excited ‘cause she said that when her sister had a baby recently she wanted it to be quick and the midwife told her it would be much more painful if it was and she just had to not resist the pain and go with it. Grace is certain that’s a word for me – that for this to happen I just need to let it hurt and see the fruit that comes straight after.

What do I think? I dunno, that I have nothing to lose I ‘spose. It’s either gonna be even better than before all this, or the worst thing ever, and both answers require simply waiting. Sure I’ll let it hurt, be it from sheer surrender or because I am too miserable about my life being over to care. Time will tell.

The funny funny thing is that since I got this decision I’ve started being less upset and more cynical. I am now doubting my doubt and think it is me trying to find something exciting in the fact that I am nearly a whole 8 months old and seeing the reality of life instead of the holiday. Yet I can’t make it happen now, even if I am subconsciously faking the pain.

So I’m just waiting for deliverance – ba dum ch. I will still keep some semblance of 'The Life' up of course, not sure how much... I just hope that God’s scale of quick is one that I can relate to. Until then, everything will just have to come with caveats. For example: God is so amazing isn’t he? Or else not at all real that is.

Wouldn’t it be strange if my blog turned non-Christian half way? I wonder what that would do to my hits?


Seriously, a post-script as I publish. I figure either I was totally wrong about all what has happened thus far and am at the brink of it going horribly wrong; or that God is Sovereign and can bring me back 'cause he is faithful even when we aren't. Apparently. There hopes to be a sequel as another day has brought development of sorts but my bed is calling me for now...

Resolutions and Change

Can I sum up in one post everything that I want to say?

The year is over. Only a few short hours away. Christmas has been an exciting but bewildering time. Having seen quite a few of my peers from my youth I have come into the realisation that I am on the cusp of being a grown up. Not a "young adult" or pretending anymore but actually fully matured with bills to pay and lives to plan. I'm not quite there yet but I reckon by the time my degree is over my establishment in adulthood will be well and truly made. I already am a bit of a wuss when it comes to late nights and hardcore socialising! My bob will be in place, my future starting to take shape and there will be no more excuses. Fortunately(?) I am not actually there yet but it seems close on the horizon...!

So where am I at? Well this term has seen me change as much as in the previous three months. A real time of finding and removing the bones and cleansing the land to get it ready for what is going to happen next. I feel my faith growing and am seeing more of God's power moving, in what feels like a direct result of that. I have had wonderful times of sharing what's happened to me, finding communities to build, experiencing good leadership and receiving great support. I've learnt that relationships and interdependency are what life is about and how we need to start actively working in our locality to be Jesus and see change occur.

Joy is oh so key. It is our strength even in the valleys, which these past few months have felt a bit like at times. But what a fruitful one it has been: really immediate and deep friendships with like minded people forming; establishing a Women of God community where we are seeking to live holistic lives of integrity; finding a place in Bristol as somewhere I feel my heart lies. Rediscovering love and what that is all about - everything. It is all you need. A many splendoured thing. I'm excited that two of the main things I have been involved in/am getting involved in are called Agapé and LoveBristol respectively. Love love love. God is love which is why it really is the most important thing, above all other agendas. I read 2 John yesterday and particularly appreciated how it was for a woman (though it really is relevant to everyone). This bit really jumped out at me:

"And now, dear lady, I am not writing you a new command but one we have had from the beginning. I ask that we love one another. And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love."

I've got chills they're multiplying. And it isn't the coffee... Which I drink now, from time to time. Probably the reason this post is a bit disconnected! Finding peace in myself leaves me a lot freer to do such things (in moderation obviously) though I don't think I like being this woosey so I won't make a regular habit of it!

What now then? As I go into the new year I have several practical goals for the next stage:

To start a trust fund like a scholarship for homeless people with a specific need. I hate meeting those that, for want of mere money, are trapped in a viscous and destructive cycle.

To start a free shop - let's beat the system man! I'm clearing out and as I slowly break free of the consumerist "stuff" pattern I want to see a trend being set for change. It's obviously not working and the world is finally starting to see it so let's facilitate that.

To give more to my communities, living an integrated holistic life and putting faith into practice.

To eat more "whole" foods and start cooking/baking from scratch.

To commit to finishing my degree and being dedicated to that - and finding cool God moments in the maths!

To pray more!! That's the hardest one I think.

To make more music (though I fear that is for the second half of the year once the work is done).

To write a student alternative newspaper that promotes living a different life to the way the world functions. On an environmental and economic slant promoting community, sustainability, rediscovered identity and creativity. Holistic living and a loving lifestyle. Sounds a bit glib but I have hopes and as we look for "Another Way" the idea is to introduce The Way, in Truth and be intentionally evangelical with it. 'Cause duh, that is the whole point isn't it? This last one goes in bold as it will require the most work and 'cause I want you to pray for it...!

On top of all this I want to see more of God's love and power in my life and get to know him more and deepen our relationship... but then really, who doesn't?!

Let's face it though. This is a lot and will take a hell of a commitment not to mention supernatural support. I feel, in order to be realistic, that from my perspective something has to give... and that something is going to be Baby Got Brit.

As I mentioned before, when I started writing I was in a different place. Half my time could be spent living and the other half telling my blog readers about it :-P Now I barely have a moment spare to tell myself and it is just unsustainable to try and capture it here. And we all know that unsustainable is not good. I am not nearly as compulsive which is great for me but means I am not obsessing over blogging and have found it increasingly hard to do so. There are tons of incomplete stories in my draft box and I have to accept that it just can't happen right now.

The thing is, as I have said before, writing alone isn't going to do very much. My observational skills have been honed and there is now no denying that I am fully equipped to understand all the analogies and can no longer hide behind the analysis - it is time to close my laptop and get my hands dirty.

It's not a total goodbye. For one thing once the degree is done it might be the right time - I am considering voluntary unemployment for a while (not that I will necessarily have the option anyway) which may or may not leave me free to write... plus I will still put the odd (quite literally) thing up in the interim if I write a poem or an article for proposed magazine. You never know, I may even pop by for a chat randomly or if I find something funny (so long as I don't use it as a procrastination tool - keep me accountable!) but the point is that my life is no longer going to be available for download. This processor can't cope with how big it's got - there are simply too many bits of information to communicate.

Lol, now it's over I'll suddenly want to be here all the time! I can't say for sure what will happen and once again this may be another big idea that doesn't quite work out and I will return, wiser. But, as with attempting a homeless choir in 3 months (check out 'Homeless Stuffs' tag) with limited French and no idea didn't quite pan into a Sister Act moment, it did still turn out with God saying it was cool. We had a gig at the end of the engaGE week and it was a wonderful time where there was joy living in that place, the staff suddenly went from miserable to fun loving and people got a chance to have the something-more-than-just-dinner moment that I first been inspired by. The last day I was there a lady spoke to me that never had before saying in perfect English that she had really enjoyed it and I felt like it had all been worthwhile. So I think even if my "big ideas" seem a little over-reaching it will be OK and God can turn them to something sweet. Better than doing Fuck All anyway, in't it?

Alors, bye bye baby, Baby bye bye. Who knows what the future brings... the story goes on but not right here right now. Stay in touch, the open invite still remains (though ideally do ring first!) and if we never "speak" again I hope to see you on the other side...

Love Kat(i)e x x x

SIN

The dirty word.

We all talk about it, we all do it (well I think so) and in a lot of the circles I move we all feel bad about it (eventually anyway)...

But what is it?

It could be easy to say that at some point in the church's history the human element took over and tried to control the world, money, politics etc by the power of guilt. In a sense this is fairly true. I've been getting involved with Agapé a bit this term. One of my flatmates before I lived in GVA worked for them and when I got back it suddenly fitted incredibly well with, well, with me. I have this darling friend who works for them called Grace and she took me out last week evangelising with her...! Yes, it is as mental as it sounds. Basically, three times a week they make a point of each going out into coffee shops and approaching people to talk to them about God. They get all kinds of reactions but one of the main aims is to ensure that they themselves stay a bit out of their comfort zone... I loved it. Well, I mean the scariness of "the approach" aside I really enjoy talking to strangers and having something to do it about is pretty fun (as long as I'm not feeling insecure 'cause obviously the coin would be somewhat flipped then). What is my point with this? Other than how good a Christian I am...? We spoke for over an hour to 4 student girls who all basically think that the church judges too harshly, that the pope is crap (I'm not going to start an interdenominational riot - Satan would bloody love that), that Christianity condemns them for things they really don't see as bad and that it just isn't right that people who don't commit horrific crimes should go to hell. The postulated idea was to have an atheists room for anyone that missed the point with God but weren't evil.

And I found myself apologising for the way they have percieved Christ. Taking some kind of responsibility for Christianity that got it wrong, were corrupt, didn't make it clear and allowed this to become a common view in culture today. Even this afternoon I was thinking about how sad it is that one of my "jobs" as a Christian is to try and undo the damage that "The Church" has done in it's past.

But you know what? I am fed up of this. I don't want to keep apologising for how "We" got it wrong. Human error aside, pure corruption acknowledged, the vast amount of Christians over history have been very sincere and were acting within their own social context. Why should I stress about people feeling condemned when they are??

Yes. This is my judgement post. You think I've been bad before, you ain't seen nothing yet. All over the world Christian's and non-alike (I am sad to confess) are being really really rubbish. Then, to top it all off, they are pretending that it is OK. THEN, just because it isn't bad enough they turn around to the laws of God and the people that try and follow them and have a go for condemnation.

WE DESERVE CONDEMNATION.

Think about it. If God is this purely loving being that wants to see the whole world alight with joy and fullfillment in him then you tell me that even just in your own personal relationships you treat the people you care about with proper love all the time and never slag them off or get annoyed or act selfishly or anything like that... you would be lying. We don't even have to call it God, we can see it as the "goodness in humanity" or some "power" or "greater force". I know TONS of people that think 'friends and family' are the thing that life is about. That is, Relationships. That is, Love. Well, for me that is what I call God. Yet anyone that sees life as having purpose greater than physical wealth still messes up in the pursuits of these "important" things.

Then of course there is the bigger picture. Beyond selfish behaviour and broken relationships we live in a consumer driven lifestyle that is destroying the planet and the most vulnerable people on it. Be it high street shops that use all-too-cheap cheap labour in India to unfairly traded chocolate that uses child slaves that have been stolen or bought on the Cote d'Ivoire. There's been a recent campaign which involves having fondue parties to raise awareness of this issues, I went to my third last night(!) and it takes this much to force me to change one thing on a list of hundreds I do that don't love this planet and these people like I theoretically want to. And I am begrudging as I have to give up Oreos. AND my first reaction was that it is a marketing ploy to sell more "Fairtrade" products. I am a BAD person.

Not one of us is guilt free.

Not one of us can justifying saying to the most perfect source of life and love on this planet (whoever He/She/They/It may be) that we deserve to go to a room for mediocre people because we didn't really see what we do wrong up close and personal and it wasn't that extreme. There is no ratio between 0-bad and a-little-bit-bad. If you had to fit into one category and the choice was perfect or imperfect which would you be?

I think it's high time we stopped telling people that the church doesn't condemn them. I personally condemn each and every member of society and think it's high time they stopped the apathy and started condemning themselves.

Maybe then people will GET why Jesus is so bloody important.