DTR

I like all the flavours of jelly babies now. I used to have favourites, and leasts, eating them in reverse order (unless I was sharing!) and always ending on the blacks. Now I like each one for it's own qualities and can gladly mix it up. I have no point... for this part of today's post I am going to have a competition. The most interesting analogy wins a packet of jelly babies!

Other things about how I am changing... I have spent most of my 22nd year wishing and then thinking I was 23. I don't know why. Some kind of fallacy that I would be better at 23? A classic "not enjoying where you are at" moment which leaves me with 2 months to go till I actually am 23 wondering what 22 is like. I feel like I have missed out on being truly myself for want of fitting into another mould.

Yeah, coming into a better place with identity is defo a trademark of this year. I remember thinking when I was 14 (being quite mature for my age as I was!) that I was not going to change from now and had "found myself", which I have come to recognise as hallmark for being insecure and thus asserting security. Now I wake up every day and think that I am nowhere near being "right". Which I think is perhaps the only hope I will ever have at being true to myself, knowing that I'm not. This whole identity in Christ part of being a Christian has spoken to me a lot, as I observe all the other places I have tried to put my identity over time and realise that the only good option is something that doesn't ever change (whilst already being great!) and won't let you down. So much of the pain that comes out of relationships that end is from letting your identity become fixed in a person so that when they are gone it feels like you are too. I suppose that is what I think the difference is now, as a Christian. The way I see it we are all looking for something to hook onto as our security, that is sort of a trait of humanity and we try it everywhere from romance to jobs to appearance... but if we choose anything fallible we will lose it eventually and feel lost ourselves. By putting it in Jesus I suddenly find that there is something unchanging in my world and, actually, the idea is that as I am inevitably changing it is (hopefully) to become more like Him and so in a sense I'm stabilising in my fluctuations.

Yeah. That is what I am loving today as the analogy. OSCILLATION. I feel like I am oscillating to some central point in which I have potential to be truly secure. Like a centre-of-gravity. Some wise bloke once said to my brother-in-law (who is, by the by, also wise) that balance is not a good thing. Trying to keep these really opposite features of your life in some kind of polarised precarious distribution is just totally contrary to having a holistic existence where everything is centred around one thing. There is no sustainability in it either, if you look at systems of inertia you can find an arrangement that keeps level when these far flung masses are in place but it doesn't take much to topple it and if you have close together forces they will have a lot more substance for the equivalent moment. That's science and I can't begin to explain it. If you don't understand then ask my dad.

That was a bit of an aside. Sorry if I confused things. This oscillating to a central point looks sort of like starting off really far away in one direction then going far in the other then turning back but less extremely and continuing as such in decreasing amounts... It's a dampening effect. Sort of imagine a ball bouncing and getting less and less (except that it finally stops in mid air). Or maybe a swing which has a big first push but then your friend gets bored. I have been doing this: I started off insane; I suddenly saw all these things I need to change; I got really worked up about it all and began to disregard who I am to the extreme of losing everything unique and lovable about me; I then realised I'm actually great and swung back; then I wanted to become more holy; then I realised I was being legalistic and so rebelled; now slowly I sort of get God's love for me and am coming closer to him but maybe not understanding loads of His nature; as such I am reminded of my academic issues and try to reason it through; in this I realise some kind of deep-rooted respect for His law and concepts and can't shake what He's done for me... Coming eventually (is the plan) to some sort of more centralised place which I think might be my identity in Christ. Not "there" at all you understand but it feels almost like things are beginning to fall into place enough that I am really noticing it. A spiral is a good image and also a mathematically equivalent one so feel free to use it.

How is this revealing itself in my life here and now then? Well, the voice stuff is going well, I was excited by my first "session" today and look forward to working on that more. I am delighted to find out that I can do a bit of careful singing (only in church like and around the house but I was not really refraining very well so now I can do it a bit with permission I am less likely to do it too much naughtily) and talking I am beginning to find a good level in. As far as general group interaction goes I think that actually I have gotten a lot better. I have more security in what I do and don't share, it is still pretty forward and I can at times be overly tangential (the optimal amount being anecdotal but not overbearing) but I feel like I have matured in that. Sounds really odd, I suppose the context is that I found it quite hard to be in a new group of people when I got back (like church groups, that's where I've been tonight you see) and almost feeling like I could not control my "input" then feeling bad and generally like it was a far less accepting environment than Geneva when everyone cut me a lot of slack! It was totally well timed as part of my development but has been really tricky and today I have not come home feeling like I over did it - both physically and socially. OK, I still may have said things a bit too flippantly (like how I think that we should be like bible times and only hang out with same sex groups!) but I also had some useful insights about forming relationships with the opposite sex (too much to say now but I am tempted to blog another this time, I know a lot about it and tonight has helped formulate my thoughts) that seemed to come out almost concisely!

So yeah, DTR. Define The Relationship. Sort of more relevant to the topic with pasturate which I haven't really gone into but also, in a far more significant albeit convoluted way, about Defining my Relationship with Jesus. As I get into a more stable place it is like "we" are getting tighter and the benefit of a centralised grounding for that means that I feel less "wobbly". Despite all my crap of late, I do feel less wobbly, almost as though it has brought me closer in and thus better off!

Sort of a side note to all this, but I'm gonna do it anyway, is looking at relationships in general. I've realised my "significant other" is my blog. I've also realised I'm not sure I'm happy about this. I don't mean that I'm ready for an actual bf (though my hair is getting longer!) but I just feel a bit frustrated. I mean, if I put this much time into a person relationship I would expect something back. Not sure where this is going but there feels to be a certain amount of love lost between me and BGB right now and if things carry on this way I may opt for a "break". I mean, I do have a life of my own and I think I may wish to build into relationships that are not, to all intents and purposes, me talking to myself.

On an actual side note, but I'm just really excited, I got a new bible! If you recall I mentioned how I lost my NLT that I had as a "youth" and had restarted using when I got back to England. It left me a) sad and b) not sure what to do. I wanted a bigger one than my pocket NIV and I kinda wanted a study bible which was a different version for comparison, but which to get? I mentioned before that I didn't really know about versions and heard different things from different people all the time. If there's nothing that annoys me more is someone being adamant that theirs in the best (or conversely that others definitely aren't!) so seeking advice was hard! But I just really naturally bought an NLT Study Bible yesterday which sort of happened randomly and "felt" right. It's the newest study out and I liked the NLT before. Plus, were it not for me losing my last one I wouldn't have been able to justify getting this. I don't think it's more "right" than others but I do like their policy of a translation that is accurate but reads for now (without being super casual) as that is sort of the point of translating isn't it? That it come across as best as possible in the new language. Similar to the original in terms of style but without necessarily being about direct interpretations. Whatever, I didn't do any of that really, I just went with my gut and this made the most sense in the shop. I like it. I'm gonna get my mum to make me a leopard print cover!! Oh yeah, a verse that is ace and the reason I brought up bibles:

Lamentations 3: 20-26

I probably just needed to put that link and be done with it. Maybe that's what I'll do with baby...

Love and Lies in the COOP Carpark

I am learning Romanian.

Luckily it is quite similar to French. I hope to be able to have a bit of a conversation with my fat friend who sits outside the COOP sometime before I leave.

I know it sounds pretty judgmental, but when she tells me she has 4 children and a dead husband it sounds so convenient. I mean, that's a great testimony for a beggar lady, right? Perfect sob story. OK, that last paragraph sound terrible and it was mostly designed to shock. My point here is, apart from the fact that I am a bit of a bitch and too tired to know if this is pushing the boundaries too much, I don't tend to believe people that are asking me for money on the street.

But, the thing is. It is OK if they lie. Infact, it is OK if anyone lies to me. I am not going to mind and my default position will probably be to believe you even if it is ridiculous. I don't mind the fact that I am gullible. The decision I have come to is this: as long as it won't break my heart I don't have a problem believing you. That extends to personal safety I suppose but is far less day to day. The point is, I don't have time or right to judge and question everything someone says. If it is important I will do so, else feel free. My hope is to try and show love to people despite whether they are being honest or kind of anything else like that. So feel free to scam me out of money or time or anything else I don't value spiritually. I will still feel like I was doing my bit as Jesus-the-first-time-round and you can take the crap when He comes back.

Plus, I kinda feel like if I learn Romanian they will find it harder to lie to me. I mean, everyone has a level of guilt right? I am just trying to tap into their; play them at their own game!

Seriously though. Beggars are people too and I am trying to get past my capitalist middle class attitude that gets pissed at a system that will never really shit on my affluent parade 'cause I will never really have any problems in that area and if I did, maybe I'd appreciate the help. I think that we are all identical particles put into different forcefields and shooting in a multitude of directions. Who knows what their next resultant force will be...?

Caught Out

David is on the way back to Wien and foolishly of me he knows I wrote a blog about him last week. (Confusion over fact I wrote one last month whilst there... I am not very good at hiding facial reactions.) The point is, the 'man hunt' story is sadly off and I am just hoping he will take it with the pinch of salt it was intended when he reads it. You'll have to email me privately to find out how the reconciliation is going! ;-)

I think it's OK really, he's pretty cool and I reckon the jokey intent will not be overlooked. Dave, I swear it was only meant to be ironic, the fact that I did spend all afternoon apparently trying to 'save' you was just the result of my standard self-obsession!

It was fun to have him stay, even though it rained like a bitch. [Note that we prayed for it to stop and by the time we were at Cinelac (open air cinema by the lake) it was clear and lovely with all those cool clouds and none of the water falling from them. See David, it does work!] That was an interesting experience, the cinema I mean, an utterly beautiful evening and locality and we watch "Before the Devil Knows You're Dead". If you like films with great casting and acting and an interesting plot-line sure go for it; if you want to leave the cinema with the hope of ever being happy again I would suggest seeing "Kung Fu Panda". Well, I haven't actually seen that but I can only hope that it would be slightly less depressing that the experience which started with disturbing graphic sex and ended with filicide. Nice. That said, it was a well made production.

Back to the word 'save'. Well, I was talking to a friend t'other day and we agreed that we do not like it; pas du tout. Can't speak for him as to why but I for one find it patronising to the extreme. I mean, I know that conceptually it is deeply biblical (and cool) but the contextual use nowadays seems all too often to be an "I am better than you who knows nothing and needs desperately to be rescued from your pitiful existence" judgment. You know what I mean? Anyway, maybe I am falling into a trap whereby I don't like words which are meaningful 'cause I am afraid of how they are taken but I prefer 'Reconciliation' and will be using that for the time being unless I am challenged otherwise. It just seems more descriptive of the relational aspect of finding God rather than the condemnation.

In other news, I finally got some sleep! Went a straight 12 hours last night and nothing 'busy' planned till Wednesday now. I really needed it. At least I acknowledged the fact and as I got tireder over the weekend stopped (a bit) and expected less of myself. Turns out God was in control and even though I didn't think too much about what I had to get done, it all worked out. That was nice.

Sometimes I'm not confident that things will work out but they do every time and as it starts to happen I always end up saying to myself "well what else did you expect? This is life now." Like on Friday eve when a group of 9 of us arranged to go for dinner somewhere without booking and when I turned up, there was no table available (obviously). It was panic mode 'cause everyone was en route and I was responsible for the whole affair; yet, I did not stress I just said "God, we need this sorted out fast, please" and 3 mins later we had somewhere in the same type of restaurant on the same street. Noone would even know! That may seem silly but I just think that God has even the details like that in hand. He wants us to be happy and blessed and not living a crappy existence. His plan is both small and big, Specially Relative as it were - each of my days are in His hands but I have a hugely exciting bigger picture too! It's a comforting feeling that, when I am living under His will, I'll never really get 'Caught Out'.

Friday was a great day. Lots of 'now things', that were even more fabulous than table reservations, being worked out (well, what else could I expect) as well as some exciting forward thinking and general rerealised gratitude for life. I drafted a post at the time but am yet to publish; keep an eye out but prepare to feel queasy!

Progress

When homeless people first started giving me their mobile numbers I got really confused. Talk about 'modern times' when you have a phone but not a bed... But then it made sense to me. How else are they to plan their social life? I mean, it's not like they can have a landline is it.

Blur said that modern life is rubbish. I'm not sure I concur with that; BGB would not be here were it not for the internet... but still, we are a bit too dependent aren't we? T'other day (OK, this was about three months ago and would have been blog no.3 were I to have gotten around to talking about it then) I was on my way home from Darryl's when I realised I did not have my phone. I managed a good 30 seconds without it but as soon as I noticed life stopped. Telling the others to go on without me while I go back to pick it up, I was suddenly alone; stranded in the island that is 'nophone'. This turned from an irrational insecurity to a real problem as I realised that the trusty door code (best kept secret in Geneva) was stored in my mobile so I never had to worry about forgetting/remembering it. My backup would normally be to call from downstairs - not gonna happen was it?

So there I was: standing in the dark street at about 11pm at night, shouting up 4 floors in the vain hope that Darryl will hear me through an open window (even though he normally shuts them to keep the noise of the busy street out). Is that how people used to do it in the olden days?

Aside: I had a friend once without a mobile (or 'cell'); but she got one about a month ago. Then the other day I got got a phone call, she rang me on it just to see how: she'd only ever done texting (sms-ing) and hadn't a clue! Some people take longer, but eventually even she has become caught up in the technology bug...

But when it comes down to it, was it the 'old methods' that helped me? Not at all! I realised after a few minutes (of looking mental) that I had my laptop with me (I had been blogging in Starbucks before YAGs) so I just sat on the step, fired it up and checked my downloaded mail inbox. It was technological progress that that had saved the day, not looking back.

I like to think that if God can answer prayers using a computer He can't despise technology that much (wow, this post did not start out as Amish bashing!). I had asked Robyn to take my laptop home for me and then last minute decided not to bother; thus my desperate prayer outside Mike Wong's was fulfilled 5 minutes prior in front of Kafé Deko. But then, time and space not really a problem for Him are they?

On the way out I managed to fall down the stairs whist holding my computer, I think this is less the fault of technology and more flip flops on stone steps. I do that *quite* a lot... I am still, it seems, subject to the laws of gravity and friction. Damn it. My reaction to the situation was frustration and angst (anyone who saw my Facebook status that night would testify to that fact...!). Not something I am feeling nearly so much these days. But then, as the song goes, "Little by little, everyday..."

So, really, progress is all right by me. And, just for the hell of it, let's chuck in a biblical reference! Not wanting to akin myself to a tanned goatskin with the legs and tail cut off, I am very much enjoying the new wine. (Have I taken a reference and completely altered the meaning? Do tell me if so. I am, after all, only a month and 10 days old and still very much learning...)

À la prochaine!

For all you creationists out there...

...I was interested to learn that one of the official (in IB Biology anyway) theories of the origin of life is that clay molecules were a precursor to DNA/enzyme shenanigans, formed inside prokaryotic lipid membranes... Kinda dust from the ground stuff!