151 seconds to go...

... till my first Christmas! I am going to blog now, wrap some gifts and open a sneaky pressie from my friend Grace before hanging out the stocking and waiting for Santa. Whose name is oddly like Satan and I wonder if there are some crazy Christians out there who are suspicious of that fact. I wonder if I am one of them! Lol.

So, my thought for Christmas time is this. Elf. I love that film. Prime candidate to see Jesus in. The three rules of elves are as follows:
1) Treat everyday like Christmas
2) There's room for everyone on the nice list
3) The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing out loud for all to hear
If that doesn't scream Christianity I don't know what does.

The interesting thing is that straight after I watched Elf last night I watched Con Air. Also a bit of a classic and a total story about a Joseph type character stuck in prison but persevering with lots of feel good sacrifice and at least one reformed character who was changed (I like to think) by the simple "He's got the whole world in His hands" song and find himself free and starting afresh at the end of the film. A wonderful line: "I'm going to show you that God does exist", what a joy.

Elf and Con Air... quite different. Like the facets of God really. The first consistent feature is that they both have a character called Francisco; the second in the current of Hope. Watch them this Christmas and look out for Jesus.

Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometime

It's definitely wrong to make three posts in one night... but I've not been blogging in ages... I don't reckon I will for a while... and I think I may have just had one of those really tangibly "deep" moments. This post is going to be working things out as I go and who knows if it will make it to the publishing stage. Whatever happens, it will probably be real... and narcissistic.

I just watched "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". That is a cue for anyone that doesn't find this film meaningful to stop reading now. I had never seen it, I knew it was a classic, the story sounded interesting indeed but I think that I avoided it because I could not deal with the concept of forgetting. I am, as I may have mentioned, a hoarder. Of all things, tangible and existential. I've been facing up to this challenge of late and the timing was perfect.

'Cause recently I have been doing some active forgetting. Recently as in this past year since God starting changing my life, these past 3 months since I got back to England, these past few weeks as I've been facing some residual memories, these last few days as I've had to challenge all of the above. The imagery is a big boulder that He smashed to pieces with His love and the revelation thereof but now He is going around picking out the bits of gravel - and some of them are pretty wedged in.

I threw out a bag of "stuff" last week which was neat. Took it with me from London to Bristol to deal with but couldn't face getting it out the car till then. Nothing specifically dodge but I needed to let it go for memories sake. I'm pretty sure that when I go back at Christmas there will be a whole lot more of that to do and so I'm getting ready...

Last night (late Friday) I had a conversation I shouldn't have about a person I don't know anymore. You know, when you can tell you are in an unhealthy discussion and that there is a lot of potential for badness but you are tired, hurting and frankly too stupid to know better. I was challenged on my memories and came away not sure what I recall as fact and fiction - problem with saying things best unsaid is that you end up hearing things best unheard. Let's call a spade a spade, I'd "erased" someone from my life and sometimes they do just creep back in.

The risk of being someone with a past (i.e. anyone) that can't be wiped clear whether you want to, don't want to or sometimes want to, is that it stays around. Even when we are sanctified by the blood of Jesus; even when we have forgiven, are guilt free and looking ahead; our brains have an uncanny way of wanting to defy all the best intentions in the world. I know that it is a decision I must make to move forward. It's a decision I have already made without any doubt in my mind, yet it is a decision I must continue to keep making. Still, having a piece of history based around love - which is what we seem to base our most significant things around - is messy 'cause it mixes up good stuff with not good stuff and leaves the two so tangled you can end up throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

We shouldn't say goodbye to love but we must learn to extract it back for ourselves and put it to better use somewhere else. I don't want to leave my heart in a memory then try and erase the memory but equally I don't want to carry the crap around with me.

The thing that really struck me was that the minute before I watched the film I read a poem (have been trawling the labyrinth of my files, hence the sudden splurge of them) and I had opened one I did not recognise then forgotten so that it popped up when I was closing programs. It's from last October and isn't very positive: all about stuff going wrong really...

What comes before a fall?
“They” say pride.
The inevitable fall out of a conceited heart
Just desserts on every part

What comes before a fall?
I say hope.
The inevitable fall out of an expectant heart
Just surviving alone in the dark

What is it that makes a fail?
Pushing resources beyond the mark
With pacing yourself and working hard
Success will entail, set you apart

What is it that makes me fail?
Trying for something I cannot live out?
Or speaking the words that make it go south?
Having an attitude full of doubt

How to avoid the spiraling doom?
Cannot expect for risk of defeat
Instead, telling forth, I sow what I reap.
When what we believe is the key to our curse
With each emphasis it gets worse and worse

Can the pattern be broken?
One thing’s for sure
Writing this verse isn’t the cure

I just love that it is about self-curses which is effectively what we put in place when we hold onto our broken memories and give them power in our lives. I suppose the point is a reminder that we need to break the patterns. Not be moping over the defeat or the fall or anything else that is going to drag us down but by letting the memory be where it is, in the past. God doesn't want to give us a hope and a past now does He? Jesus came to make all things new.

So don't tell me that that film is all about the need to remember things you sometimes want to forget. It is about dealing with memories properly. Not running away but also not deciding that they are all there is to the truth. We are/should be changing all the time into what we don't fully know but memories can only tell us about the past, not the future.

"What a loss to spend that much time with someone, only to find out she’s a stranger." The fear of letting go is that we have wasted time but ironically the more we hold onto it the more we waste. There's gonna be no junk in heaven anyway so why have it here on earth? It's funny, you get warned about storing up your treasures on earth but sometimes we are storing up far worse things.

Change your heart, look around you. Change your heart, it will astound you. Parting theme tune, parting theme. Goodnight.

Bows Are Back in Fashion

I’m publishing this post and last Thurs at the same time.  That is because, lovely though it is, my little nest does not have much web action and I only have uni-based semi-reliable connections.  Today I am coming to you from chez-ma-soeur though I actually wrote it last night.  Sneaky eh?

So, while I cannot give you a run down on what church was like (as technically I have not been yet) I can give a bit of a low down on Bristol this week.

Well, it has rained a lot.  An old friend from Woodies came to stay on Friday and that was great – I think she just came down to see if it was really true.  Wonderful opportunity to connect with UK based Christians and do some pretty damn great bible study.

But it has rained a lot.  Went to see Mamma Mia! for the second time with my dear sister this evening (Sat) which is amazing and I can’t decide if I prefer Colin or Pierce (spelling?) in spandex grooving out to Waterloo.  I also enjoyed spending time with someone that I know is going to be an integral part in this next step of my journey.

It rained on the way back too.

Turns out, rain is a pretty standard part of life.  And it is indeed lifegiving – we would be screwed without it.  Sometimes, however, you can’t help but wish that there was a little less rain and a little more sparkly sunshineness.  Specially in this hilly region of the West Country.

And so comes the analogy…

Rain, like pain, is a part of life.  The sermon on the last day I was in Geneva was about accepting suffering and still finding joy.  What really stuck out was the idea that we spend so long trying to avoid sufferance that we think it is a bad thing.  But it is so clear that in suffering we come closer to God as we prove our faith (see bible to back up this statement) and for this reason should rejoice in it.  It is through the fire that we are refined.

I am a little bit worried that God is preparing me to suffer.  You know, when you hear a message a few times to the point that it becomes blogworthy?  I watched on Friday night the movie, correction: film, Shadowlands.  Story of C.S. Lewis.  It was really good, I thought.  The final fade out comment that he makes was that the pain is part of the joy; that you need to experience the two together.  Today in Hebrews, having just been absentmindedly sing “O-B-E-Y obey your Heavenly Dad…” (kids song from EBCG), we read the bit - here - that talks about Jesus learning obedience through suffering meaning, not that Jesus was disobedient before then, but that His obedience was not proven until He did it despite what He had to bear.

I must admit, it is a little bit unnerving.  I haven't exactly had to prove my obedience or test my faith. As yet.

But, one of my more fabulous favourite things of nature is the rainbow.  This is because it depicts to me in theory what it means in practice.  When I first visited Geneva, before I had even been offered the job, God showed me a rainbow in the jet and, though I was not a Christian and could not accept the symbolic significance of God’s promises, I could see clearly the idea that through the storm clouds shines a light and gives something beautiful.

[This isn't the same rainbow of that day in June 2007 (the big football is kinda a giveaway) but it is in the same place.]

And that, my friend, is exactly what the promises of God are about.  We have the dark clouds of pain and suffering, the light of God shining through (post tenebras…) and then the glory of His fulfilled promises hangs over our lives. 

So while it has rained a lot, and there are whisperings of suffering when it really does not feel like it and I really do not feel like it, I am glad that in all this Bristol has been going through a season of rainbows.

'Cause what with all the rain I have spotted a few this week... here is one that I snapped from my bedroom window t'other day:

[That's my communal garden out there... check out the washing line! Cute much?]

So yeah.  Have some good solid biblical stuff to finish off with as far as suffering and growth goes.  Check it out if you don't know what I mean: Romans 5:3-5.

The Beginning of The Beginning

The UK is not online.

Seriously, I have finally solved the shoddy connection in my parents house by plugging in with a WIRE. It makes me sick. What kind of backwards place is this?

After a week back in the motherland I am feeling rather alright really. I got a little bit overwhelmed the first night (only a little mind) and was kinda worried as, well, life changed quite a lot when I was away and, for a short while, it seemed like it was all a huge incredible dream.

Backtracking slightly - I lived in Geneva, Switzerland for a year and got turned upside - I say to you respectfully that life without Jesus sucks.

That is an *incredibly* brief overview of something that I will/have gone into more detail about. Geneva, City of Reformation with motto Post Tenebras Lux (After the darkness, the light) was the place where I was reformed. And on Monday night I panicked that I'd blown it out of all proportion.

Which I hadn't.

Still I went to bed worried and thinking that I was glad indeed my sister had come over for my baptism as at least then she would be able to pinch me and prove it was true (I'm talking metaphorically please C).

And I woke up in the morning to a surprise visit from aforementioned sibling. Could not have been better timed. Especially as it was on my 3 months rebirthday! We had a BBQ it was lovely (note that the weather in England SUCKS).

So that was a good start to the new start.

Hmmmm. In other news: been thinking a lot about lukewarmness and how much I don't want to do it and how setting up a proper life (instead of the summer camp of before) is going to be more stretching and much easier to fall into bad ways in. That coupled with the overwhelming task of tidying my bedroom and sorting through all the crap (not lit) I own has made for a quick passing and intense week.

Though I have been to the cinema twice (Hellboy II - really quite good; Mamma Mia, singalong, with the company of 9, 11 & 13 year girls - unbeatable) and am getting quite a lot of sleep and rest in. Which is nice. Plus home-cooking which can't be beat.

Oh and Valerie the car is back. Woohoo! Though I did get in the first time, pull out my driveway and terrify Richard with the question "what side of the road do we drive on here?". Genuine moment of blankness.

That's all. Just an update for those that asked really. I will be insightful in due course (be warned).

Caught Out

David is on the way back to Wien and foolishly of me he knows I wrote a blog about him last week. (Confusion over fact I wrote one last month whilst there... I am not very good at hiding facial reactions.) The point is, the 'man hunt' story is sadly off and I am just hoping he will take it with the pinch of salt it was intended when he reads it. You'll have to email me privately to find out how the reconciliation is going! ;-)

I think it's OK really, he's pretty cool and I reckon the jokey intent will not be overlooked. Dave, I swear it was only meant to be ironic, the fact that I did spend all afternoon apparently trying to 'save' you was just the result of my standard self-obsession!

It was fun to have him stay, even though it rained like a bitch. [Note that we prayed for it to stop and by the time we were at Cinelac (open air cinema by the lake) it was clear and lovely with all those cool clouds and none of the water falling from them. See David, it does work!] That was an interesting experience, the cinema I mean, an utterly beautiful evening and locality and we watch "Before the Devil Knows You're Dead". If you like films with great casting and acting and an interesting plot-line sure go for it; if you want to leave the cinema with the hope of ever being happy again I would suggest seeing "Kung Fu Panda". Well, I haven't actually seen that but I can only hope that it would be slightly less depressing that the experience which started with disturbing graphic sex and ended with filicide. Nice. That said, it was a well made production.

Back to the word 'save'. Well, I was talking to a friend t'other day and we agreed that we do not like it; pas du tout. Can't speak for him as to why but I for one find it patronising to the extreme. I mean, I know that conceptually it is deeply biblical (and cool) but the contextual use nowadays seems all too often to be an "I am better than you who knows nothing and needs desperately to be rescued from your pitiful existence" judgment. You know what I mean? Anyway, maybe I am falling into a trap whereby I don't like words which are meaningful 'cause I am afraid of how they are taken but I prefer 'Reconciliation' and will be using that for the time being unless I am challenged otherwise. It just seems more descriptive of the relational aspect of finding God rather than the condemnation.

In other news, I finally got some sleep! Went a straight 12 hours last night and nothing 'busy' planned till Wednesday now. I really needed it. At least I acknowledged the fact and as I got tireder over the weekend stopped (a bit) and expected less of myself. Turns out God was in control and even though I didn't think too much about what I had to get done, it all worked out. That was nice.

Sometimes I'm not confident that things will work out but they do every time and as it starts to happen I always end up saying to myself "well what else did you expect? This is life now." Like on Friday eve when a group of 9 of us arranged to go for dinner somewhere without booking and when I turned up, there was no table available (obviously). It was panic mode 'cause everyone was en route and I was responsible for the whole affair; yet, I did not stress I just said "God, we need this sorted out fast, please" and 3 mins later we had somewhere in the same type of restaurant on the same street. Noone would even know! That may seem silly but I just think that God has even the details like that in hand. He wants us to be happy and blessed and not living a crappy existence. His plan is both small and big, Specially Relative as it were - each of my days are in His hands but I have a hugely exciting bigger picture too! It's a comforting feeling that, when I am living under His will, I'll never really get 'Caught Out'.

Friday was a great day. Lots of 'now things', that were even more fabulous than table reservations, being worked out (well, what else could I expect) as well as some exciting forward thinking and general rerealised gratitude for life. I drafted a post at the time but am yet to publish; keep an eye out but prepare to feel queasy!