Whoops

I didn't do the reading for my seminar today.

I mean, I didn't even check what it was and pretend - which is all I usually manage anyway.

I have been very busy and working hard (term ends tomorrow!!) and, well, it was not feasible and I knew it wasn't the most important thing anyway. I have my essay idea sort of in-hand and anyway if you learn too much it pushes the old stuff out...

I really really really wish I had though. We were looking at two papers - opposing arguments type thing - and two boys in the group had to present on them. Easy. I sit and take notes on what they say and if anything relevant does come up then I go read it later. The first was by some bloke called Williamson: one interesting thing I actually heard was about how metalanguages (that is like English like) aren't fully logical but we do get them so what does it matter and if we have the choice between expressing ourselves and "technically making sense" then the first is totally the best one. I agree with this guy, semantic pessimism sucks arse.

I'll give you an example. "I've packed everything" clearly doesn't mean everything but we know what it is on about. Hell, we even get little annoying jokey retorts like "Even the kitchen sink?" from it. People know what we mean and why faff about the details?

The other day in class I actually ranted about this annoying semantical debate saying, and I do believe this is verbatim(ish), that "this whole course is just about saying the same thing in different ways then arguing about which is right. It doesn't matter... Can you model stuff? Yes. Then it works!" That didn't go down so well...

And I think deciding that the seminar was so boring I wasn't going to pretend to pay attention didn't either. It wasn't like it was anyone's fault, I just couldn't be arsed to try to get it. When the lad doing the response piped up I did have one thought, which was: "why didn't they say who the were presenting on? What is my subheading supposed to be?". Paper's are normally referred to by the author as though we all know the dude. Like, Boolos was all over it being about... I don't remember... Plural Quantification maybe? This one didn't even get named on the handout.

Halfway through looking like I didn't give a shit I realised WHY they hadn't introduced it. Despite the fact that the usually well spoken boy was talking in such a strange way along the lines of "you then do this and you say that" I didn't clock till I looked at the pages in his hand that the author was MY TUTOR. The dude that we DO all know. Sitting on my other side having himself (misre)presented to a room full of bored looking students. I could have died. The first week I haven't made any effort at all and he is so nice I just wanted to comment. But I really hadn't got a clue.

Oh deary deary deary. And what is more worrying is that I think he opposes everything I have ever thought (and expressed) about Philosophy of Maths. I suppose dedicating your life to it is already quite an opposing view point... Give me Evolutionary Game Theory any time. My friend wrote a paper about "Wishful Thinking", I'm planning on writing a model for "Disappointment", it's cool; I can't even begin to care about the best way to contrive set hierarchies or which language to describe them in - one people can UNDERSTAND.

I have reached my intellectual limitations and I'm not even close to being humbled.

Convertsation (the spelling mistake that stays)

So. We are talking about Evangelism. Which is one of my more favourite things about Christianity. Not in a really condescending way or like, I am so good at being a confident Christian, I just enjoy having a totally ace, eternity spanning reason for talking to people I don't know. It justifies (wrongly) in my head the idea of being forward and chatty and my failings in the area fall far more in the sensitivity and boundary crossing camp.

Which doesn't matter too much with drunk people.

I haven't had as many opps to prostheletise (lol) recently as I did perhaps in GVA. It stands to reason that things come in seasons and I know that God plans different tasks for different times, not to mention rest. Often though, I associate being aware of His "set-ups" with being more tuned in with His will and I know that when I have a more submissive attitude then I end up in "God" scenarios like they're going out of fashion. It is just a matter of opening my eyes and being willing to compromise my own objectives.

[Aside: Taking this in the context of sustainable is hard, I struggle with the prospect of missed opportunity and not being up to task. Even sitting on a train for examples confuses me - am I supposed to constantly be in prayer for those around me; or just prayer in general; or read my bible; or some other Christian book; or some non-Christian book; or start a conversation; or listen to music... or play on my phone? The perfectionist in me struggles, fails, then gets guilty. The extremist in me burns out then crashes horrendously.]

Today I went to meet up with another pal from Genf. A lovely boy, John Mark (you may recall him? Left in Feb...) from the deep South of the U.S of A and I thoroughly enjoyed some good chat, visiting old haunts (quite lit places with ghosts of the past) in London and going to a BBQ rib house after which I spent the whole rest of the eve with a mandatory toothpick in my mouth! Fun times.

I then made it to Liverpool St Station with enough time to catch the 2318 train home and sat there reading my bible - I am adamant I will get to the end of Genesis by the end of this week. Whereupon a 60something gent sits next to me and comments that it is something you would not normally see at that time of night, in the station, particularly given my nose ring (a relatively new addition of which some of you may not be aware I realise). It was a classic and perfect opener and I don't doubt that his inclination to talk about my faith, buy me herbal tea and laugh at my jokes was a mixture of a deep rooted desire to find the truth... and a less deeprooted desire to enjoy my company while he waited for his train!

Needless to say I felt like walking away from this was just not in line with my duty, there was some good old fashion sowing and/or reaping to be done. I don't really know how I did at that, I didn't feel very convincing and he was, it turned out, an ex-lecturer. Had the whole "logic" thing working against him and I haven't taken that course yet... But I stay 'til the 0003 train and it was cool enough. The thing is it don't matter what I say really, God is the one that works in peoples' hearts, and there was something FABULOUS and out of both our control that happened.

A beggar came along and asked for 20p. I have, I think, made some small comment on how I feel about this. I "generously" gave him 50p and he said bless you (and he is right, it is far a more blessing for me to give that for him to receive). Following this, I turned to Tim (my new friend) and was like OK, let's hear it. I expected a bit of a "you know what they do with that" which I would have responded with "well, I need to show them love" which he would no doubt have pointed out as some kind of flaw in my faith.

As it happened he asked how much I gave, pulled out some loose change, offered me a pound and said would you please take this so I can tell you what I think of begging.

I was confused, bemused and took it to humour him. I thought it was some kind of analogy and accepted whereupon he explained, quite jollily, tipsily and endearingly, that times have changed; followed by something about being in Cairo. He was literally telling me stuff about his experiences of begging and it turned out the £1 was simply to buy my listening! Paying me to tolerate him was his words.

Lol. Talk about a set up. I then went through my list of thoughts - a few comments on not making an excuse to be dismissive, right to choose, their needs being greater, treating them as equal etc etc. Then, as my grand finale, I added that I believed when I gave to others that God gave far more back to me!! Jokes, he had gone and proven this without meaning to and realised it sufficiently that he wanted his pound back. Apparently it was not his intention to provide supporting evidence for my beliefs...!

I thought it was cool. God is pretty funny sometimes.

It all might sound really self-involved, like I think I have this great commission; but I do. Its called The Great Commission and is not exclusive to me. I think it is ironic that the more I have a grip on humility the more wow I get in my own life (and the inverse is also true obviously). Talk about a vicious cycle!

And so it begins again...

No clever heading today, I am all titled out. This post is about what I did today and, yet again, how God was cool. You don't have to read it.

I am tired and hungry but I don't care. Right now all I want to do is write about how cool my day was!

I went to the Jardin de Montbrilliant which was pretty much the same as ever but with an extra person volunteering, under the blanket of engaGE. That is, you feel like you want to do more but the ladies are very much in control and it's hard to know what is needed. I heard from my street musician friend that he was asked to stop playing the other week (when I had been encouraging him) and that makes me a bit mad. Why does a grumpy French lady even want to stop people being joyful - the atmosphere visibly lifted when there was music in the place. Maybe she works there 'cause they make her feel less crappy about herself and to see them having fun means she feels bad again. It is a shame. It has made me realised (eventually) that the staff are just as in need of help as the people that go, more some of them; better pray harder. It was doubly disappointing when one little man said to me 'what about some music' (or a close Frenchy translation) and he really wanted me to sing but I felt like it would get frowned upon. The more I do, the more bitterness seems to come from this particular woman. Kinda suppressing the vision a bit.

But we're not going to let that stop things. In the name of engaGE (ok, see the website for an explanation, they are doing stuff in JdeM so this week I going with them) my friend (from breakfast yday) is coming with a guitar and we will sing and they can say nothing. Then I am going higher to get permission to do that once a week, if all goes well. Strange to realise there is such a real blockage there, I was kinda ignoring it/ignorant of it 'til today.

Anyway. That is progress and interesting. Then I planned to go to Voix Libres again for the afternoon until YAGs. And guess what, all 3 of my Jamaican friends came and helped! We set up a production line and got 28 boxes done, whilst all the time having the best conversations about God, Rastafarianism, world politics... and so the list goes on. We sang some gospels songs and they taught me one that goes "Real, real, real..." (I forget most of it but it is really good) and just, well, it was GREAT! One of them went off and returned with another person, joking that he was trying to recruit as many as I had. They were laughing at the fact they were there, "We don't even normally work for money!" was the line. They surprised themselves and you know, I could tell that every one of them was fulfilled by the experience of actually being useful and appreciated; yet I think I may have been the most blessed of the lot.

It was particularly great as I had spoken to one of the organisers that morning who was trying to get things together for scheduling and did not know that people had been to VL the day before, nor that anyone was going that day either. As it turned out, I was one of these 5 plus a new guy to EBCG who turned up 'cause Sara sent out an email the night before. It was great to see the situation turn around and, well, just how many people were being touched by God's fabulous creation.

I will never forget sitting round that table with Bob Marley blaring out and having one guy say to me that I was the first white person he'd known that was really into God. Maybe this sounds really vain of me to share (I for one know it means he's not met many white folk, and certainly not the ones I have), but still, I can't help but love that He is shining out of me enough that my new friend saw it. And if we don't share the good stuff God is doing in our lives for fear of immodesty then how can we glorify Him to each other? God made me be into Him and then helped me share it; I for one see it as such an Almighty (lit.) alteration that I know I am not the one responsible. Alors, to worry about humility is a sneak Satan clause that I'm not going to gratify.

Oh and note of warning. When life is this exciting you (or at least I) can't avoid the hype. Quit caffeine OK, but I'll have to quit Jesus to stop getting excited. That, or let a few years pass by and deaden the senses. You will tell me if that ever happens, right? Point me back here and say Kat(i)e of 2008 would never have stood for it. Complacency is one of my biggest concerns. Any thoughts?

Now... to satisfy the other urgent needs of sardines on toast and slumber.