Oh Bugger

I have this amazing post drafted. It's totally hopeful and glorifying in everyway. Humble, God prioritising, Kingdom seeking shit. You gotta love it.

And it was almost ready for posting. I swear. Like, one proof-read and some biblegateway.com-ing links and we'd all be dead excited about what God was doing when I didn't meet my deadline yet it was all OK...

Then, foolish foolish cow that I was, I went and got all despondent on my own ass before it made it to "publication". If that is even possible. I stagnated, lost my way, did a babybackslide, toppled off the Holy Spirit bandwagon, fell short of the glory, stumbled on the narrow way, missed an altar call... I don't know but whatever it was it was bad.

Which means I am disinclined to do anything much but sit around watching "Shawshanks Redemption" and drinking Bombay Sapphire with Somerfield's own brand slimline tonic and these really cute little heart shaped ice-cubes. OK, these aren't bad things in and of themselves. Still, *possibly* counter-productive and certainly not enthusiastic for Jesus.

Dang it. Why does this always happen just after I get dead-excited about the most recent move of God in my life. It's almost as if there's something out there trying to sabotage everything that He does...

Early Morning Retract (that lacks symmetric syntax)

I've gone really afraid and despondent. No real reason to share except that I would feel a hypocrite to go to bed with the last post being the last thing I said, now all this fear and apathy and worry is looming in.

Like I say, not really achieving anything in this post except a statement of fact. But I suppose 'tis the way with high points, the only way on is down. Classic "fact before feeling" theology must apply and I reckon I can acknowledge the emotional rollercoaster effect combined with fatigue and choose to draw a line, go to bed (actually do it this time) and "hope" (not the same hope as before but perhaps derivative thereof) that tomorrow things will work out. For now anyway.

Funny how quick that can happen... Meh.

Whoops

I didn't do the reading for my seminar today.

I mean, I didn't even check what it was and pretend - which is all I usually manage anyway.

I have been very busy and working hard (term ends tomorrow!!) and, well, it was not feasible and I knew it wasn't the most important thing anyway. I have my essay idea sort of in-hand and anyway if you learn too much it pushes the old stuff out...

I really really really wish I had though. We were looking at two papers - opposing arguments type thing - and two boys in the group had to present on them. Easy. I sit and take notes on what they say and if anything relevant does come up then I go read it later. The first was by some bloke called Williamson: one interesting thing I actually heard was about how metalanguages (that is like English like) aren't fully logical but we do get them so what does it matter and if we have the choice between expressing ourselves and "technically making sense" then the first is totally the best one. I agree with this guy, semantic pessimism sucks arse.

I'll give you an example. "I've packed everything" clearly doesn't mean everything but we know what it is on about. Hell, we even get little annoying jokey retorts like "Even the kitchen sink?" from it. People know what we mean and why faff about the details?

The other day in class I actually ranted about this annoying semantical debate saying, and I do believe this is verbatim(ish), that "this whole course is just about saying the same thing in different ways then arguing about which is right. It doesn't matter... Can you model stuff? Yes. Then it works!" That didn't go down so well...

And I think deciding that the seminar was so boring I wasn't going to pretend to pay attention didn't either. It wasn't like it was anyone's fault, I just couldn't be arsed to try to get it. When the lad doing the response piped up I did have one thought, which was: "why didn't they say who the were presenting on? What is my subheading supposed to be?". Paper's are normally referred to by the author as though we all know the dude. Like, Boolos was all over it being about... I don't remember... Plural Quantification maybe? This one didn't even get named on the handout.

Halfway through looking like I didn't give a shit I realised WHY they hadn't introduced it. Despite the fact that the usually well spoken boy was talking in such a strange way along the lines of "you then do this and you say that" I didn't clock till I looked at the pages in his hand that the author was MY TUTOR. The dude that we DO all know. Sitting on my other side having himself (misre)presented to a room full of bored looking students. I could have died. The first week I haven't made any effort at all and he is so nice I just wanted to comment. But I really hadn't got a clue.

Oh deary deary deary. And what is more worrying is that I think he opposes everything I have ever thought (and expressed) about Philosophy of Maths. I suppose dedicating your life to it is already quite an opposing view point... Give me Evolutionary Game Theory any time. My friend wrote a paper about "Wishful Thinking", I'm planning on writing a model for "Disappointment", it's cool; I can't even begin to care about the best way to contrive set hierarchies or which language to describe them in - one people can UNDERSTAND.

I have reached my intellectual limitations and I'm not even close to being humbled.

Passing Thoughts

People go on about secret sin. Does that mean if it's not secret it's OK? I feel like sometimes all we have to do to make it OK is confess it but people, it's still there! Some of my sin is worse when it's not secret 'cause it's obvious. Like, not being gracious. Stay between me and God: sort it out and say sorry; show/tell other people: cruel, bitchy and potentially astray leading. Plus, isn't telling people sometimes a bit like bragging? "Oh I feel so bad, I went out last night and pull these three amazing birds and now they all keep ringing me and I don't know how to tell them I'm not interested and I don't go out with non-Christians." Lol, no I don't know that person - but don't you want to judge them? Ah ha! Sin. Shit, I led you astray...

Also, I'm annoyed that the Christmas message has already gotten old on me. I've only been to my third carol service of the season and I am already done with it. How do you long timers last? I can see what C.S.Lewis meant when he talked about time being one of the greatest weapons of the enemy. When I got back to England I was sort of told by someone that I would calm down and reality would kick in. It was my biggest fear and my reaction was a total denial and refusal. Now what? Angel, mother, stable, baby, angels, shepherds, star, kings, escape. Ta da!

Don't be like me. Do pray for me (seriously if you're gonna then do it before Tuesday: I have an exam).

Sorry to be a grumpy! N'night x

SIN

The dirty word.

We all talk about it, we all do it (well I think so) and in a lot of the circles I move we all feel bad about it (eventually anyway)...

But what is it?

It could be easy to say that at some point in the church's history the human element took over and tried to control the world, money, politics etc by the power of guilt. In a sense this is fairly true. I've been getting involved with Agapé a bit this term. One of my flatmates before I lived in GVA worked for them and when I got back it suddenly fitted incredibly well with, well, with me. I have this darling friend who works for them called Grace and she took me out last week evangelising with her...! Yes, it is as mental as it sounds. Basically, three times a week they make a point of each going out into coffee shops and approaching people to talk to them about God. They get all kinds of reactions but one of the main aims is to ensure that they themselves stay a bit out of their comfort zone... I loved it. Well, I mean the scariness of "the approach" aside I really enjoy talking to strangers and having something to do it about is pretty fun (as long as I'm not feeling insecure 'cause obviously the coin would be somewhat flipped then). What is my point with this? Other than how good a Christian I am...? We spoke for over an hour to 4 student girls who all basically think that the church judges too harshly, that the pope is crap (I'm not going to start an interdenominational riot - Satan would bloody love that), that Christianity condemns them for things they really don't see as bad and that it just isn't right that people who don't commit horrific crimes should go to hell. The postulated idea was to have an atheists room for anyone that missed the point with God but weren't evil.

And I found myself apologising for the way they have percieved Christ. Taking some kind of responsibility for Christianity that got it wrong, were corrupt, didn't make it clear and allowed this to become a common view in culture today. Even this afternoon I was thinking about how sad it is that one of my "jobs" as a Christian is to try and undo the damage that "The Church" has done in it's past.

But you know what? I am fed up of this. I don't want to keep apologising for how "We" got it wrong. Human error aside, pure corruption acknowledged, the vast amount of Christians over history have been very sincere and were acting within their own social context. Why should I stress about people feeling condemned when they are??

Yes. This is my judgement post. You think I've been bad before, you ain't seen nothing yet. All over the world Christian's and non-alike (I am sad to confess) are being really really rubbish. Then, to top it all off, they are pretending that it is OK. THEN, just because it isn't bad enough they turn around to the laws of God and the people that try and follow them and have a go for condemnation.

WE DESERVE CONDEMNATION.

Think about it. If God is this purely loving being that wants to see the whole world alight with joy and fullfillment in him then you tell me that even just in your own personal relationships you treat the people you care about with proper love all the time and never slag them off or get annoyed or act selfishly or anything like that... you would be lying. We don't even have to call it God, we can see it as the "goodness in humanity" or some "power" or "greater force". I know TONS of people that think 'friends and family' are the thing that life is about. That is, Relationships. That is, Love. Well, for me that is what I call God. Yet anyone that sees life as having purpose greater than physical wealth still messes up in the pursuits of these "important" things.

Then of course there is the bigger picture. Beyond selfish behaviour and broken relationships we live in a consumer driven lifestyle that is destroying the planet and the most vulnerable people on it. Be it high street shops that use all-too-cheap cheap labour in India to unfairly traded chocolate that uses child slaves that have been stolen or bought on the Cote d'Ivoire. There's been a recent campaign which involves having fondue parties to raise awareness of this issues, I went to my third last night(!) and it takes this much to force me to change one thing on a list of hundreds I do that don't love this planet and these people like I theoretically want to. And I am begrudging as I have to give up Oreos. AND my first reaction was that it is a marketing ploy to sell more "Fairtrade" products. I am a BAD person.

Not one of us is guilt free.

Not one of us can justifying saying to the most perfect source of life and love on this planet (whoever He/She/They/It may be) that we deserve to go to a room for mediocre people because we didn't really see what we do wrong up close and personal and it wasn't that extreme. There is no ratio between 0-bad and a-little-bit-bad. If you had to fit into one category and the choice was perfect or imperfect which would you be?

I think it's high time we stopped telling people that the church doesn't condemn them. I personally condemn each and every member of society and think it's high time they stopped the apathy and started condemning themselves.

Maybe then people will GET why Jesus is so bloody important.