"Dreams can come true, look at me babe I'm with you..."

That was what came on my car radio last night as I came back from Michelle's and I meant to mention it in my blog but I never. So now I have. If this whole God thing really has come together then absolutely anything actually is possible - there was a time I never thought He could be with me and now look: He is and I still can't get over it.

Which is the reason that I am slowly going from being a person who expected things never to work out to someone who is always expecting everything to. Moments of absolute disdain aside (which can take a large chunk out of some of my days, granted) I have been having loads of hope recently. Ridiculous amounts. Raising them stakes good and high. The way I see it, if God is gonna top anything I can conceive of then the best thing for me to do is think BIG. That's a boring game theory model. Think BIG get BIGGER. Think small get Medium. There is no payoff formula is there? I think the answer is "Duh, Supersize me".

So today I did. I dreamed SO big. I planned the next 30 years of my life. There were lots of gaps, don't get me wrong, and I am not saying this all has to happen or else, I just figured "why not get excited by the possibilities?" Some of it is crazy and made up and I won't be really disappointed if becoming Prime Minister doesn't happen (hell, I'm not entirely sure how I would feel about a woman running the country!) and exactly how Eastern Europe comes into it is flexible... but some of it I can see clearly in one shape or another. Like community building in Bristol, being a homemaker (not the same as housewife), working with the homeless, female identity empowerment (not "female empowerment" which sounds a lot like feminism and I don't mean at all), starting a music project that gives opportunity to the deprived and disadvantaged and shares love with the world. I even decided that I probably did need a husband at some point and now have a pretty good feel of what he would need to be up for and capable of!! They're not all bad after all...

So I was kinda stoked about this vision. It clearly isn't going to look exactly like this but I reckon that God is putting some stuff in particular on my heart. And I really do get that if His alternative is to be, say a stay home mum for example, then that would be the better thing.

At the same time I was aware it's important that, in my expecting of great stuff and amazing gifts, how God wants to use me is so not about me. Which is really really hard. I don't know about you but I have this huge imagination which is lots of fun and exciting and enables me to see the "bigger picture" but it also leads me to get carried away with things that are just "cool". The advance autobiography that I wrote for myself would have gotten well loads of credit I swear. I would be everybody's fave prime minister and change the world... whilst also fabulously managing a family of 4/5 and recording several albums. And what with my "childlike" faith that God can do it I am prime candidate for missing the point that He probably shouldn't. I struggle enough with pride (when I'm not struggling with feeling down on myself, obviously) indeed even as I write I am proud that I have recognised this danger in advance! I just can't win...

So I'm sitting at this concert tonight with my sister, contemplating all these important things in my young brain, when God starts stirring a bit more. The gig was amazing. A team of musicians that work with prisoners and ex-prisoners as a rehab type thingy - called changing tunes, check it out. Some of the most powerful songs I have ever heard, particularly one that just spelled out in incredible "The Streets" style this really gritty gripping reality of the unhealthy complicated status between men and women. It all just added to the realisation that music is an amazing tool with the capacity to change lives and bring light. Hurrah! Inspiring much? Coincidence? I knew that I wanted to work with homeless people and "disadvantaged" youth 'cause that's where I have been "moved" and where my albeit limited experiences lie, so the prison work was a really cool overlap but with plenty of scope to bring it to others.

'Cause of course that is my priority. Tapping a new market. Helping people that have no other options. Really making a BIG difference. Being something incredible that makes people go wow and gives a warm fuzzy glow at the *number* of lives changed. Getting my M.B.E.

So I have to laugh when at the interval one of the musicians gets up and talks about this new project that has been set up in the kinda funky-but-really-quite-dodge part of town where there is already a huge vision for change and love revolution. A vision I already feel both excited by and jealous of. The project described ticks in every way what I had just decided to call my life works.

I can't help it. I feel like I missed the window, not been there from the start. Now I'm trying to carve out a special role for me in The Kingdom but really I mean in The World 'cause that is the place that my accolade would be coming from. I arrived back in England to see the beginning of a radical church movement in Bristol, a revolution underway; and though I'd been praying and excited and certain of it happening before I got here I was kinda annoyed that no-one waited. There have been people praying for decades but I had claims on the particular power of mine and where is the recognition? No-one even knows I exist.

So what is this post about? Well, I figure seeing as I don't get to be a "founder" of the self-harmony (it even has a cool name) thing and will no doubt have to be a "worker" instead then the least I could do is put it somewhere in writing that I thought of it too... independently of them!

Lol. I figure this is kinda how we are, right? People. Crap. Yet not. But still so. It's funny, sometimes if I'm really quiet I think I can hear my sinful nature fighting with the Holy Spirit as though they were sitting on my shoulders.

I know, I always have I think since I resigned myself to Christ, that it isn't about me. That community is the best thing and that as I allow it to become important and the love takes over then I will believe in it increasingly, till one day I know it wholeheartedly in every circumstance. Just it sucks when you want to be a pop star! Or anything else.

We see it everywhere you know, taking ownership. Even in the church. Duh, particularly. Even when it is about what God is doing people love to be able to claim that He is doing it just for them, because of what they have been doing and how they have been seeking. Even when it is a community it is a limited community, just you and your friends. Even when it is the Christian world as a whole we forget that it isn't just for us but for EVERYONE and get comfy and superior.

So what will I do? Write my plan in pencil I suppose. Go where He wants. Trust that the timing isn't a fudge and that I will be put in the right place even if that place is somewhere really small - which presumably it will be when my humility is still so small. I think that humility and importance are directly proportional you know. He only lifts people up that don't care - which is why I'm trying so hard not to!

One thing I read that is really helpful for me in my motivations lately (I can spend a long time over-analysing things and getting very confused about what is actually going on in my heart) is something Paul wrote. It's funny, I used to really hate that guy but he does say some good shit:

I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself.

Which makes sense given how fickle and complicated we are.

So I will carry on dreaming and believing and seeking and petitioning what is on my heart to the best of my own understanding but there really is very little point in me trying to figure it all out, what with the constant internal battle. If God didn't put it in me then it won't last long, what with the victory having been won. I just have to let Him carry on changing me.

It does suck though. At the moment it still sucks... but I am a work in progress and the masterpiece is yet to be reveal...!

Resolutions and Change

Can I sum up in one post everything that I want to say?

The year is over. Only a few short hours away. Christmas has been an exciting but bewildering time. Having seen quite a few of my peers from my youth I have come into the realisation that I am on the cusp of being a grown up. Not a "young adult" or pretending anymore but actually fully matured with bills to pay and lives to plan. I'm not quite there yet but I reckon by the time my degree is over my establishment in adulthood will be well and truly made. I already am a bit of a wuss when it comes to late nights and hardcore socialising! My bob will be in place, my future starting to take shape and there will be no more excuses. Fortunately(?) I am not actually there yet but it seems close on the horizon...!

So where am I at? Well this term has seen me change as much as in the previous three months. A real time of finding and removing the bones and cleansing the land to get it ready for what is going to happen next. I feel my faith growing and am seeing more of God's power moving, in what feels like a direct result of that. I have had wonderful times of sharing what's happened to me, finding communities to build, experiencing good leadership and receiving great support. I've learnt that relationships and interdependency are what life is about and how we need to start actively working in our locality to be Jesus and see change occur.

Joy is oh so key. It is our strength even in the valleys, which these past few months have felt a bit like at times. But what a fruitful one it has been: really immediate and deep friendships with like minded people forming; establishing a Women of God community where we are seeking to live holistic lives of integrity; finding a place in Bristol as somewhere I feel my heart lies. Rediscovering love and what that is all about - everything. It is all you need. A many splendoured thing. I'm excited that two of the main things I have been involved in/am getting involved in are called Agapé and LoveBristol respectively. Love love love. God is love which is why it really is the most important thing, above all other agendas. I read 2 John yesterday and particularly appreciated how it was for a woman (though it really is relevant to everyone). This bit really jumped out at me:

"And now, dear lady, I am not writing you a new command but one we have had from the beginning. I ask that we love one another. And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love."

I've got chills they're multiplying. And it isn't the coffee... Which I drink now, from time to time. Probably the reason this post is a bit disconnected! Finding peace in myself leaves me a lot freer to do such things (in moderation obviously) though I don't think I like being this woosey so I won't make a regular habit of it!

What now then? As I go into the new year I have several practical goals for the next stage:

To start a trust fund like a scholarship for homeless people with a specific need. I hate meeting those that, for want of mere money, are trapped in a viscous and destructive cycle.

To start a free shop - let's beat the system man! I'm clearing out and as I slowly break free of the consumerist "stuff" pattern I want to see a trend being set for change. It's obviously not working and the world is finally starting to see it so let's facilitate that.

To give more to my communities, living an integrated holistic life and putting faith into practice.

To eat more "whole" foods and start cooking/baking from scratch.

To commit to finishing my degree and being dedicated to that - and finding cool God moments in the maths!

To pray more!! That's the hardest one I think.

To make more music (though I fear that is for the second half of the year once the work is done).

To write a student alternative newspaper that promotes living a different life to the way the world functions. On an environmental and economic slant promoting community, sustainability, rediscovered identity and creativity. Holistic living and a loving lifestyle. Sounds a bit glib but I have hopes and as we look for "Another Way" the idea is to introduce The Way, in Truth and be intentionally evangelical with it. 'Cause duh, that is the whole point isn't it? This last one goes in bold as it will require the most work and 'cause I want you to pray for it...!

On top of all this I want to see more of God's love and power in my life and get to know him more and deepen our relationship... but then really, who doesn't?!

Let's face it though. This is a lot and will take a hell of a commitment not to mention supernatural support. I feel, in order to be realistic, that from my perspective something has to give... and that something is going to be Baby Got Brit.

As I mentioned before, when I started writing I was in a different place. Half my time could be spent living and the other half telling my blog readers about it :-P Now I barely have a moment spare to tell myself and it is just unsustainable to try and capture it here. And we all know that unsustainable is not good. I am not nearly as compulsive which is great for me but means I am not obsessing over blogging and have found it increasingly hard to do so. There are tons of incomplete stories in my draft box and I have to accept that it just can't happen right now.

The thing is, as I have said before, writing alone isn't going to do very much. My observational skills have been honed and there is now no denying that I am fully equipped to understand all the analogies and can no longer hide behind the analysis - it is time to close my laptop and get my hands dirty.

It's not a total goodbye. For one thing once the degree is done it might be the right time - I am considering voluntary unemployment for a while (not that I will necessarily have the option anyway) which may or may not leave me free to write... plus I will still put the odd (quite literally) thing up in the interim if I write a poem or an article for proposed magazine. You never know, I may even pop by for a chat randomly or if I find something funny (so long as I don't use it as a procrastination tool - keep me accountable!) but the point is that my life is no longer going to be available for download. This processor can't cope with how big it's got - there are simply too many bits of information to communicate.

Lol, now it's over I'll suddenly want to be here all the time! I can't say for sure what will happen and once again this may be another big idea that doesn't quite work out and I will return, wiser. But, as with attempting a homeless choir in 3 months (check out 'Homeless Stuffs' tag) with limited French and no idea didn't quite pan into a Sister Act moment, it did still turn out with God saying it was cool. We had a gig at the end of the engaGE week and it was a wonderful time where there was joy living in that place, the staff suddenly went from miserable to fun loving and people got a chance to have the something-more-than-just-dinner moment that I first been inspired by. The last day I was there a lady spoke to me that never had before saying in perfect English that she had really enjoyed it and I felt like it had all been worthwhile. So I think even if my "big ideas" seem a little over-reaching it will be OK and God can turn them to something sweet. Better than doing Fuck All anyway, in't it?

Alors, bye bye baby, Baby bye bye. Who knows what the future brings... the story goes on but not right here right now. Stay in touch, the open invite still remains (though ideally do ring first!) and if we never "speak" again I hope to see you on the other side...

Love Kat(i)e x x x

Blog-down

It is the final week and though I am busy and have many other things in the agenda, I want to do a bit of a blog based count down. Making little observations everyday kinda thing. It is no doubt just classic procrastination to avoid packing and cleaning. Problem is, my blogbook (the place where I write down all the nonsensical trite that happens to me when I am not near a computer) is overflowing from just a few hours of life; and there is some AMAZING praise points which really should be included; and I already had an idea of what I wanted to write for this entry from days ago but it looks like I may not get the chance. I have, afterall, already filled a paragraph with the introduction.

Was my last day at JdeM. That is the homeless kitchen for those that don't know. I was going to summarise what I've learnt there, catch up on what actually happened with the music idea and stuffs like that. Now you will have to wait, again, 'cause even today more über-cool wicked bad shit went down.

I was reading in Joshua the other day (just the first coupla chapters and no that does not mean I have finished Genesis, I am just skipping ahead - I love that about the Bible!) about how God was going to give him every place that he set his foot. Pretty acebloodytastic stuff in beaucoup trop ways and I would encourage you to dwell ont 'cause I probably won't be spending time exegesing it. Anyways this portion, combined with a friend that has been encouraging me to pray for what lies ahead and claiming it for my own before I get there, plus the fact that at the end of the chapter 2 it talks about the people melting in fear because God will conquer, got me really excited about the idea of seeing Him moving in places where He is not yet and the power of praying for it and seeing it happen. So, during a lull at the kitchen (mid-morning we tend to have a bit of a wait period and I am disadvantaged in the standing around smoking and gossiping stakes on several fronts) I decided to walk all around and pray for the place and the people there and those coming in and for the future that there would be God in da house and a way made for it and all that jazz. Yes it came across as a shuffling mutter but they see that quite a lot there. I was really excited by the idea, particularly in light of some of the progress that I had already seen in the attitudes of the people that worked there (which I am yet to mention but it did happen and was cool). Wanted to see the people's issues left at the door and not picked up again. I was quite up for believing that it would be an effective thing to make a difference - I think that I am such a prime example of prayer working that my propensity to doubt is not as high as my propensity to other things... as Robyn and I were taking about over dinner though, this just leaves more room for other propensities.

Anyways, did I see results? Did I ever! Not exactly what I was expecting mind. It was like the Tracy Chapman song - poor people were rising up and taking what was theirs. There was a new woman working there who had not had the weeks of prayer that had gone down, way back when the last grumpy cow was in charge (no offense intended, just the best description going) and she was overwhelmingly opposed to anyone being, well, happy. The thing in Geneva is that the poor aren't nearly as poor as in other places and half of what we give them is not food so much as a brief place to be and find some love. They got none of that from her and, while they can lack friendliness at times, never have I seen anyone refusing seconds to hungry street walkers when there is plenty there and it is normal policy. It was like she was fighting against joy. Pretty damn stressful actually and it occurred to me that, while I was subject to her direction, God clearly says only follow the law of the land when it does not go against His - and His says clearly in Isaiah 58 (as well as many other places I am sure) about feeding the hungry. Was I Supposed to rebel? I was, after all, holding the spoon... and it was my last day. With a lot of pressure from those talkin' bout a revolution and bit of feeble eventual arguing from me (I like to claim language barrier as an excuse but it doesn't really graduate to reason), she finally gave in a bit for a time, though stayed firmly in the misery camp (the rubbish alternative to the glory camp). Really felt like a "things have been stirred up" situation. If that makes sense. Was cool to watch in a horrifying manner mind, and would defo have made a good music vid for Trace.

Talking about being able (or not) to do pretty awesome/intense stuff in the name of following God's commands: a not very close friend of mine (some guy I met through the reggae crew) that I have in the past had some pretty interesting chats with (where I try not to be judgmental over him putting veganism above sexual purity) totally blew me away today. I have been getting really excited with his coming to church and really getting into God stuff and hearing about breakthroughs in his life. It is really cool actually but I have been awakened to the patronisation of my attitude - it didn't take long to go from new and open to set in ways and condescending did it? Amidst all this "I want to see you coming into God's way like I have" he tells me - when I finally noticed the 5 inch gash down the side of his face and asked about it - that it happened when he brought back a guy from the park to sleep at his place 'cause he had nowhere else to go. The dude attacked him with a knife from his own kitchen! And now he is all Jamaican and relaxed about it and joking about how the next person he meets in the park will just have to stay there! I would be a bit more pissed and a lot more martyr than that.

People really surprise you don't they?

No clever heading today, I am all titled out. This post is about what I did today and, yet again, how God was cool. You don't have to read it.

I am tired and hungry but I don't care. Right now all I want to do is write about how cool my day was!

I went to the Jardin de Montbrilliant which was pretty much the same as ever but with an extra person volunteering, under the blanket of engaGE. That is, you feel like you want to do more but the ladies are very much in control and it's hard to know what is needed. I heard from my street musician friend that he was asked to stop playing the other week (when I had been encouraging him) and that makes me a bit mad. Why does a grumpy French lady even want to stop people being joyful - the atmosphere visibly lifted when there was music in the place. Maybe she works there 'cause they make her feel less crappy about herself and to see them having fun means she feels bad again. It is a shame. It has made me realised (eventually) that the staff are just as in need of help as the people that go, more some of them; better pray harder. It was doubly disappointing when one little man said to me 'what about some music' (or a close Frenchy translation) and he really wanted me to sing but I felt like it would get frowned upon. The more I do, the more bitterness seems to come from this particular woman. Kinda suppressing the vision a bit.

But we're not going to let that stop things. In the name of engaGE (ok, see the website for an explanation, they are doing stuff in JdeM so this week I going with them) my friend (from breakfast yday) is coming with a guitar and we will sing and they can say nothing. Then I am going higher to get permission to do that once a week, if all goes well. Strange to realise there is such a real blockage there, I was kinda ignoring it/ignorant of it 'til today.

Anyway. That is progress and interesting. Then I planned to go to Voix Libres again for the afternoon until YAGs. And guess what, all 3 of my Jamaican friends came and helped! We set up a production line and got 28 boxes done, whilst all the time having the best conversations about God, Rastafarianism, world politics... and so the list goes on. We sang some gospels songs and they taught me one that goes "Real, real, real..." (I forget most of it but it is really good) and just, well, it was GREAT! One of them went off and returned with another person, joking that he was trying to recruit as many as I had. They were laughing at the fact they were there, "We don't even normally work for money!" was the line. They surprised themselves and you know, I could tell that every one of them was fulfilled by the experience of actually being useful and appreciated; yet I think I may have been the most blessed of the lot.

It was particularly great as I had spoken to one of the organisers that morning who was trying to get things together for scheduling and did not know that people had been to VL the day before, nor that anyone was going that day either. As it turned out, I was one of these 5 plus a new guy to EBCG who turned up 'cause Sara sent out an email the night before. It was great to see the situation turn around and, well, just how many people were being touched by God's fabulous creation.

I will never forget sitting round that table with Bob Marley blaring out and having one guy say to me that I was the first white person he'd known that was really into God. Maybe this sounds really vain of me to share (I for one know it means he's not met many white folk, and certainly not the ones I have), but still, I can't help but love that He is shining out of me enough that my new friend saw it. And if we don't share the good stuff God is doing in our lives for fear of immodesty then how can we glorify Him to each other? God made me be into Him and then helped me share it; I for one see it as such an Almighty (lit.) alteration that I know I am not the one responsible. Alors, to worry about humility is a sneak Satan clause that I'm not going to gratify.

Oh and note of warning. When life is this exciting you (or at least I) can't avoid the hype. Quit caffeine OK, but I'll have to quit Jesus to stop getting excited. That, or let a few years pass by and deaden the senses. You will tell me if that ever happens, right? Point me back here and say Kat(i)e of 2008 would never have stood for it. Complacency is one of my biggest concerns. Any thoughts?

Now... to satisfy the other urgent needs of sardines on toast and slumber.

Odd Job Lady

Sometimes I feel a bit like God's odd job girl.

This is a familiar role 'cause I used to work as the shop girl in a florists when I was 14. I'm throwing that in because it is, in my humble opinion, one of the cooler first jobs for someone to have. It involved turning up on the day and being available for any task they so desired, from setting up the front, washing the floor, or putting out new flowers to making bouquets and funeral sheafs. In no particular order and I am not trying to make any direct analogy (getting lazy it seems).

So, what is the similarities between that and my relationship with God? Well, these days I kinda just get out of bed and say 'what today?' and then He gives me an odd job. I may have vague plans in the morning, which somehow or other tend to fit in the bigger picture; often though it is a blank canvas which by the end is totally full of lovely stuff.

I have questioned my motivation for thinking that every moment of the day is part of some orchestrated plan of the Almighty. I mean, for someone that is terrible at making decisions (well at times, mostly when it comes to what to order for lunch or where to go after church) it could seem a bit like a cop out. But things just seem to happen so much that I can't really deny it...

So. Two examples:

1) I ought to have written about last Monday at the time but I was too tired to make it coherent. I got off the tram (16) quite late at night to change at Bel-Air (setting the scene for those in the know) and get a bus home. Some guy that got off [edit - *the tram*] with me starting talking to me (you know, the biggest problem with 'bus stop men' is that they try and pick you up at the bus stop, thus rendering them totally unviable; someone should probably tell them...) but 'luckily' Sara came along and helped take away the tension. (She does this in part by giving the evangelist from the Amercian library church some of her own literature which slightly threw him off and was hilarious!). This guy was stubborn though (not the evangelist, the creep) and he decided to stay on the bus with us way past the station (where he was supposedly heading. Anyone else notice that the 16 would have taken him straight there? Defo dodge...) and I was panicking slightly 'cause she was about to get off and I was not. So I invited myself in for a cuppa. Flirt divert accomplished. We get to hers where I realise I have lost my phone. On calling it some nice French dude answers who had found it on the tram (I recall that I had indeed left it on the side for no particular reason!). I was SO 'fortuitous' I had met Sara (without who communication would have been impossible); and to be chased off the bus so I was actually able to get my phone back; and that this dude was a legend; and that he lived close by her place so we could go retrieve it...

So there we headed there (Sara, thank you for not being distressed by the lateness of this adventure and for not dying of smoke allergies in the flat!) and proceeded to pay the most random visit to people we would never ever have met otherwise. It was a bit like a crack den (in the nicest possible way) and they were really sweet and funny and we exchanged numbers and are going to try and meet up at the lake parade next week!

All this meant I had to walk home. It was about 1am, I was knackered and at the end of my joy reserves. Then I found a leopard print suitcase in the street en route!!! Talk about a blessing... and a perfect end to a crazy night. Now, just before I came to GVA I ordered a full set of leopard print luggage but when it arrived late it was tacky and fragile and incomplete. All that and far to expensive with it. Suddenly, just when I was not expecting it I am given a quality one in perfect timing which totally meets my packing needs. And free! I love the analogy between the failed attempt before and the gift now. My new-life-in-Jesus wheeliecase!

2) Then there was today. Having prayed with Robyn last night for direction on where to put our energies this summer I started today with a bit of a plan. First off was breakfast with a friend from church (exciting enough in it's own right about music with the homeless and also a praise party project at church but too much for now) after which I was going to help with engaGE at the JdeM kitchen. They were not open (I knew that but would anyone listen!) so I headed home. Was most of the way there when I realised I had lost my brown velour Dolce and Gabbana waistcoat. Retraced all the way to the lake but no luck, bummer.

But what a worthwhile sacrifice (it was pretty ugly anyway) as it triggered a change of direction and a real answer to prayer. I remembered in town that I had some shopping to do anyway and then when I was leaving Manor (having decided to not shop for clothes I did not need and could not bring home) I bumped into Sara... who was heading to another engaGE project (which was running) at Voix Libres. They had lots of stock to organise and whatnot and were a *bit* low on people. Well, the afternoon was spent doing fabulous re-labelling of Quinoa, finding a worthwhile project that really needs people to help and would actually appreciate volunteering (as opposed to the scary French ladies who don't know they need me(jokes!)) and seemingly a great opportunity to both serve and practise my French. And, randomly, to talk about God in an incredibly receptive atmosphere. It was quite remarkable.

You may think "Kat(i)e most of that is hardly 'working' for The Lord is it, at some points it is Him working for you..." Fair enough, it is not a hard life but I still find that every day, whether it is volunteering and feeling good about yourself; taking street people for icecream and learning loads (my favourite quote "I've never tasted bad icecream, have you?" sums up the philosophy of that happy gent); being blessed with sunbathing and friendship and BBQs or just tidying the flat, is a day for doing His will. For one thing, He wants us to be happy and enjoy life! I like it a lot, I never had so much purpose and I never felt less of a need to achieve. I love how He keeps clarifying His love and provision 'til I can barely argue back (though I still do at times). I think maybe one day doubt will end up 'dying the death of a thousand qualifications'. I mean, as a scientist, how much evidence does one need??

Watch this space for comments on men in the church, men in the world and, hopefully, lots of non-feminist and a few non-religious things too... My list of ideas is growing at a faster rate than my availability; I don't know how people find time for a job!

Returns Policy

First off, sorry about all the Christianity. I mean, not sorry per say but I am supposed to be writing a blog so that my friends can keep up with what I am up to and, well, I have non-Christian friends that I try and not talk to constantly about God so this one-sided conversational mechanism should reflect that. I will make more of an effort to include 'profane' anecdotes I promise!

Thus follows a long post with a vaguely spiritual feel and a strong I-wrote-this-when-I-should-be-in-bed feel...

I am very busy at the moment. Many ideas for blogs and no time to write!

However, I do not feel rushed or frantic in anyway. God has granted me the real gift of peace this last week and a half. The first week from my return I got so carried away and excited that I forgot to stop and just hang out with Jesus. It was one of the things I learnt when I was traveling and yet so quick to forget... Last weekend I was reminded of this and starting the following week (23rd) in a attitude of chillax was great. Someone very wise gave me some good advice on the Sunday which I have been following (or trying) and it really does help:
When God gives you something, give it back.
We are so used to the idea of giving up things for Jesus, or giving our grievances to Him; but remember the lady that prayed for a baby then gave Him to the priest (Samuel's mum?)...? Well when God gives us things, ideas, opportunities etc we can/should to say to Him "Ok, thanks, now here you go you decided what to do with this." Not opting out, just giving God control of what is going on.

This attitude totally transformed how I felt towards the choir. I would still go to lunch and be apprehensive (the French ladies who run that place are scary), there would still be exciting things followed by sudden blockages; but I was a lot more at ease. It was nice. It was also very inkeeping with what I feel this summer is about - spending time with God, learning as much as I can and enjoying life before I go back to England. In a spirit of The Kingdom yes but not with a push to get stuff done. This is the holiday season! [The work is sure to follow...]

And many blessings are coming along. Today I made a new friend and spent all afternoon with a hilarious Philadelphian vagabond (in his own words) who may or may not have been Bi-polar but was definitely cool. I am connecting with such wonderful people at the kitchen and the opportunities to talk about Jesus with them, or just share some of His love, seem copious. This is what it is about. Some big adventure which looks cool and seems spectacular is not how God is glorified, that is how men are glorified and His ways are different - the next thing I learnt--

--From the angle of stress I was doing much better but I think I had inadvertently developed the mindset that the reason a music project may not happen (we don't know but it is looking less likely in an official capacity... there is however a fantastic outreach project in Geneva next week called engaGE and there is some scope there perhaps) is 'cause that was too big and unfeasible for me and God wants to use people who know what they are doing (more exciting developments... the Salvation Army are looking for a choir master (!) and my friend who has been helping me would be perfect so it could well happen after all and anyway the long term nature of the project makes that much more fitting) and could handle something that cool so I was only entrusted with feeding them (had been letting this develop into a bit of a general mindset of big exciting things not happening to me which is another mistaken attitude but too long for this post)... Now. Duh. Apart from the fact that we are called to be servants and all that jazz (quite a big Duh) is the idea that when we are living out God's plans it is not a compromise or a reflection of how good we are or aren't. It is the perfect thing for us. We are not chosen for things 'cause that is all He has for us, it is WHAT He has for us. His ways are not our ways, His plans are higher than ours (see Isaiah 55 for a proper version, that was given to me by someone the other day and is SO relevant) and when I live in accordance with surrendering to Him what I am doing is the best it can be.

So in this I have even more peace. I am happy to let go of worrying about how to make things happen (especially in the light that it is being started up elsewhere), loving every minute of discovering His ways and enjoying how not a day goes by when in the evening I am not delighted at the fantastic experiences I have just had. I am becoming less and less surprised as I realise God has every moment in His will. I make the strangest friends; leave my phone in the stupidest places and then meet people by finding it; have the most enlightened and blessed conversations and find the coolest stuff in the street on the way home! Life with God is far more exciting that on my own. My weeks are at their best when the schedule is empty, 'cause He has one that is full of delight!

Tomorrow morning I am off swimming with a family from church and then... the world is His oyster. I'm sending it all straight back from whence it came, He takes much better care.

Sorry about all the parenthesis, they are my favourite punctuation (after exclamation marks!) but I should learn better grammar (and also write less late at night)...

Hmmm, what to do now?

So. This morning I gave my day to God. It's easier I find. When you have lots on He is there, coordinating the diary and making things fall into place with as much blessing as possible. When there is not a lot on I like it even more. I think this is because I am naturally adverse to inactivity; it leaves me feeling a bit directionless. But with Him in control I am learning that nothing happening is just a chance to spend time together uninterrupted. Not always easy but definitely good.

Well, that said it's not like I was not busy today. Just slightly less. I went to my last music lesson in the morning and spent the afternoon recording some songs with Caro. Quite fun musically, I rather think this summer may be heavy on the tunes which is good :-). I went on a bit of a wild goose chase around midday to take a Bob Marley CD back to Lindell which gave me some time to think. I don't know about you but I have a bit of a tendency to be busy in order that thinking doesn't have to happen... I found myself in a tired, hungry, stressed situation whereby all I wanted to do was be miserable and feel let down and dwell on self-pitying issues. These are some of my major temptations and it is hard to avoid this type of 'sin' when the only witness is you. And God obviously, but He is a given. It's times like that that I understand why people drink/smoke/eat/shut down emotionally. It is hard being with yourself 24/7. Pleasantly surprising though, we talked it through and I came out feeling alright actually. Good thing I prayed when I got up, couldn't have done that in my own strength. It reminded me once again how big the struggle is: I'm in a constant fight against temptation and a bad mindset is such an easy one to fall for. Thorn in the flesh, OK, still: doesn't make it easier does it? On the way home however, I was reading my bible (my headphones are too broken to use so it is all I have to do on the bus!) and I rerealised for the umpteenth time that it is full of some good shit. Kinda puts things into perspective.

Then tonight I went to watch the football at Plainpalais fanzone. Well, I'd done it in Vienna, it had to happen for completeness. I was a bit tired and could have gladly stayed home, watched Eastenders and blogged a little, but boy am I glad I went. Lavanya (my darling Indian friend who was born in the wrong country for sure - rebel at heart and intolerant of heat!) is a big fan of sporting events and knows a lot about the game. She also knows a lot about the bible. As we left (thoroughly disappointed by the 3-0 Spain-Russia result) we had a good long Jesus chat and I love it when I hear His voice coming at me from the people I am with. Our meeting may have been last minute for me but as we talked I knew that this time had been penciled in by my wholly reliable Secretary (not meant as a belittling description, just observing one of the many qualities of God) long ago. She reminded me in a stark and obvious way how important The Word is. There is so much to remember about this faith (well, not a lot in the sense that Salvation is pretty straightforward but everything after that seems pretty complicated) I had quite forgotten how intrinsic reading the Bible is. It makes sense. There is no way that an invisible (well, for the most part) God can communicate with us securely otherwise. Voices and images are subject to question and interpretation and just plain wrongness. Written down and unchanging, checkable and validatable; the Bible is a great way for God to talk to us so that we cannot question what He is saying (once we have accepted it as true obviously). The thing is, I have been trying so hard to pray and listen to what God wants by reading the world around me (which, by the way is full of confusing and misleading signs) that I forgot He already gave all the answers and wrote them down that there be no confusion. Duh! It's kinda like having a one-sided conversation if you don't read the bible. Also, faith comes from hearing and hearing comes from the word (Romans 10:17) and boy do I need more faith. And it is a sword (Ephesians 6:17) which is handy in this constant battle of temptation - bonus!

So, I get home and I am all excited about this. I love how much I am learning all the time - if I haven't mentioned it before I see this summer as my Crash Course in Jesus before I return to Brizzle and face the future.

Then I get an email from my friend who is helping coordinate with the shelter about venues and what not...

Now, recently things musical have been picking up even more. I met a street musician who plays worship songs and he did some at lunch yesterday which was very well received - music brings so much joy and boy does that place need it. Those who worked there seemed positive (I think, there goes the French again) and yet more people were coming into light that may be able to get involved. Then I am told that we can't use the room.

Only this eve we prayed about hearing what God has planned and as far as this goes I have always wanted to be sure that this is not just some notion of mine. For a start it can't go anywhere under my own direction - I haven't a clue! I was waiting to see what doors get opened (which until now seemed all of them) and while I don't want to give up easily I also don't want to ignore the answers. So. Do I take this as a sign that really I should stick to drying dishes and smiling, or see where else it can go? It is tempting to take up the offer of a vacation (correction, holiday) to the South of France and spend time reading the bible. I mean, I need to be prepared before I can do God's work...

It does seems a little early to write it off completely. And the park has proved great thus far...? Well, no matter what, something is coming out of this - relationships which, after all, are the most important thing. In that I can persevere if nothing else.

One thing is for sure; what I learnt this eve is going into action. Next step: listening to The Word and seeing/hearing exactly what it says about what to do now.

I am the way the truth and the light?

This is the post I started writing two days ago but I tangented off on the background information and there was too much going on to sensibly publish the two.

There are a lot of different takes on the message of Christianity.

For example the other day I saw two men, who looked like they could not really be any older than 20, dressed in matching suits with name tags. The only print big enough to read was Elder [followed by name] and then Jesus Christ. I really wanted to ask them who they were - Google tells me possibly Latter-day Saints?

Then I met my first Rastafarian. That was interesting.

It was of course one of my friends from the JdM. While we were hanging in the park on Tuesday the predominant conversation ended up being about God. Cool. I ignorantly did not consider that given he was from Jamaica and talking about God and Jesus but with all these additional theories might mean he was in fact Rasta. It took me going home and looking up the King of Ethiopia to understand that his ideas were standard doctrine of that faith. Very eye opening that is for sure.

The four of us had such an amazing time. We discussed and debated things on so many levels and I was really challenged by some of what they had to stay. And a little disturbed by other things! Each one of them had very different view points and I tell you what, they knew their stuff! I am glad I got a mini bible for my baptism as it sure came in handy to have it in my handbag. At one point a friend of theirs walked by and said "What you believing that for, it was written by white men?" at which one of them turned round and replied "Don't give the white man so much credit!" The history of slavery and the appalling way that religion was used as a way to quell and control has not left people unmarred. Yet through this still others were denying the theories and saying "Don't let that tarnish the truth of it". Lindell told me that all he really thought mattered was love; and you know what, greater men have said that. I felt God in that conversation and it wasn't just 'cause He came with me.

One cool story from David the Rastafarian. His daddy asked him to go get his hammer and twice he went to look and could not find it. The third time he was sent the father said you better bring that hammer or you will be sorry. Apparently this man was the kind that would make sorry known in a less that passive manner. So, boy-David runs up to his room and prays really hard that God would help him find the hammer. When he opened is eyes it was there in front of him!

A conversation I had the other day with a friend of a friend about what it means to be a "church person" completely challenged me, as a recent acceptor of formal religion, to remember that people who do not follow my beliefs may have a real relationship with the Almighty God. He really is not as legalistic as we paint Him to be.

So. Am I saying that I think people from every faith or belief system have the same salvation as me? Well, I'm going to come out and be all fundamentalist about this and say No. Sorry but Jesus did say "I am the way the truth and the life, no-one gets to the father except through me." However, bearing in mind I had a relationship with God before I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Saviour, I think it is safe to say that Christians do not have a monopoly on being loved by Him.

The way I see it we are all on a journey. There may be things that we do not understand or even accept about what other people hold true, but judgment is not where it's at. All we can do it live our own journey out, show them love and remember God is faithful. To everyone.

I would like to conclude this with a quote from my favourite Rastafarian:
"If you look deep within yourself and ask the question of the Most High, He will reveal Himself to you."
Tell me that man doesn't know God.

P.S.
On the project progress front I have a friend that is a squat visitor/music teacher, who shares my vision and would be here for the long-haul. Also there is a venue we seem to be able to use with people there that are keen to see this happen. I am a little overwhelmed... That said, take everything as it comes. All I know right now is that God is blessing these relationships (saw them again yesterday and we had a proper improv-sesh where they were teaching me to rap!) and so they shall go on. This isn't 'Sister Act' but it is ten times more exciting 'cause it is real.

Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool...

Right. Time to tell you about Jardin de Montbrilliant. It rocks!

I hung out in the park today with three homeless Jamaican men. I met them before my trip at the 'soup' (I've never seen them serve soup) kitchen on Rue de Montbrilliant and it was really cool 'cause 'til I did my lack of French was making me feel pretty useless; however, as the token Anglophone I was the only one who could actually talk to them. Today it was like being part of a 'crew': playing musac in the park through portable speakers and improv-ing over the top. Lindell, David, Sharpman and me - Blandie! As in bland. Nice.

We wanted to start working on getting some music up and running in that community. The vision for this came about a few weeks ago...
I first went down to JdM with a group from a local English speaking church and we had such a great time. There were plenty of volunteers and this gave us loads of freedom to speak to people as we served them. The result of this was that I got to do some singing with one chap (he was wearing a Beatles shirt and me a Johnny Cash so we connected on the common passion of music) which was ace! From here we had a proper good party with several others joining in on different numbers and a bit of reggae dancing to the macarena when someone put on the sound system. That was proper sweet!
Leaving there with a big grin I headed to the International School to see one of my students in a play. That place has the most amazing facilities and I have not seen kids in that healthy a school environment, well, ever. Really got me thinking and aspiring for things to be that successful back home in the education system. Moreover, I realised just how stark the contrast was between the morning and the afternoon.
And all this with the new filter of Christianity as well.

For the first time I realised how my objectives needed to be reset.

I have always had a passion for education, particularly with youth, in a bid to see improvements across the whole of society. Seeing communities brought together and supporting one another like 'back in the day' and generally seeking and implementing a solution that would make things better for everyone. A nice healthy dose of idealism. This day I saw a great example of things heading in that direction, that is at the school. I also saw the reality that was people who did not fit into this system. The question of "Is there a potential formula that means we could ever find a way where there will not be those excluded, suffering, underrepresented and generally discounted in society?" was reawakened. I always wanted to believe Yes and my goal was to find a way to see that happen...

But as a Christian I find that the answer is just No.

Not because I am more negative about sin or Satan or anything like that but simply because it is part of our call to look after the sick and the poor and the broken and do as Jesus did. Not to change the world but simply to be physicians and caretakers for the interim. On top of this is the realisation that I am not super woman and no matter what I like to think about potential, I myself am not God.

That is not to say that a) We shouldn't try to improve things. We are a long way from the best we can be and there is still a commitment to care for and love one another and strive for the propagation of this; and b) That God can't do amazing things making the impossible possible by His fabulous power and the work of His Holy Spirit (Wooo! The last member the Trinity finally gets a tag!).
I suppose my point really is that the objectives in this world, when you look from "The Kingdom's" perspective, are different to the secular approach of striving for perfection. Strange that with God I am now less passionate about making everything 'better'.

So. Music? Well, after all this thought provoking stimulation I then went on to have a cool jam session with Robyn and Caro and it was so great me that when me and Robyn debriefed on the rest of the day it seemed 'begging' to be included. Then my hubbie had a brainwave: Homeless Choir! Now, glib cheese aside the vision has become a community based music project, tapping into the individual styles to be found in that place.

I suppose when it comes down to it, with the understanding that there will always be those in need, the immediate call to change the basics of the situation wanes a little. If this is their life in all its fullness why not give a little more than a meal, an occasional bed and a lukewarm shower? Afterall, we all know that God hates the lukewarm.

So, what will come of this we are yet to see but prayers appreciated from all readers that go in for that. (Hee hee, and prayers for all readers that don't go in for that too! Lol.)

Peace out.