Amazing Grace

I was thinking yesterday, in one of my motivational moments, some stuff which I was refusing to blog about 'cause I needed to just start applying it... but I am less motivated to work right now so maybe writing it out will rekindle the passion!

I've been getting myself all churned up about if I am messing up God's plan. Like, He has got a really cool escape route mapped out so that I can miraculously be alright in this situation, meet my deadline and get the grade... but I am being an idiot and sitting around waiting for it to happen instead of just writing.

Now, granted some people probably think I am right about that and actually I should just get on with my essay instead of blogging but, even though I doubt it will make a difference to their opinion, I want to state that I genuinely struggle with concentration A LOT. I'm in the middle of being diagnosed with ADHD but the referral is weeks away (I do love the NHS) with all methods other than medication taking far too long to effect change before Friday. A friend asked me if I thought I might be using it as an excuse but actually I really just see it more as an explanation for how my life has always been...

We can talk more about all that some other time. It's been a bit of a journey for me and something I haven't shared partly 'cause of the stigma and this being the internet, partly the not actually having an answer yet. It gives a girl a lot to think about, studying being the least important in comparison to things like social interaction, relationships, identity, healing(?). But I'll leave those stuffs for another time, today I just wanted to vindicate my struggles a little and lay it out on a plate.

So yeah. I don't really know what I can actually do, but I look at a page/screen and panic. I love to write and I have all these ideas and when it is a short piece I can eventually organise it and hone it and make it flow... I know exactly what I want to say and within limitations I can do that. But 5,000 words with a lot of technical details and referencing is a whole other ball game and my perfectionism doesn't know where to begin. Yet surely in this I am messing up every chance that God has to rescue me? I have to do *something*.

Yet again, duh, I am prompted to recall that GOD IS SOVEREIGN. He doesn't actually need me to do anything. In fact, HE LIKES IT WHEN I AM WEAK SO HE CAN SHOW ME HE'S STRONG. How am I supposed to remember my dependency if I am always capable? How am I supposed to get that He loves me if He never has the chance to show me?

Yet again I was being legalistic, thinking I have to reach some kind of threshold of effort before He meets me halfway. If anything of this world depended on what we humans did, well... we kinda see what that looks like don't we? Life is impossible for a reason. Failure imminent without intervention, that we may recognise intervention for what it is and receive it gladly in the shape of True Love.

It takes the flavour out of grace for me to think that what I do matters at all. God reached out to man and made a way (Jesus) and I tell myself that He can only see His plans come through if I work for it? Crazy fool.

So I'm in the library, giving what I can but not giving a damn if what I have isn't enough. It isn't. I read another person's blog this morning. Don't do that much but this guy seems good and I like the sound of his ideals (I say that vaguely 'cause I only know them vaguely!). The article linked above really spoke to me and in case you don't feel like reading someone else on your coffee break I'll sum up the relevant part.

It is looking at the story of David and Goliath and how so many people interpret it: little weak person overcomes some big, scary, technically impossible to beat, "Giant" in their life. Miraculous empowerment of man. He then (and this is the bit that made me go "Oh yeah, duh!") instead describes it thus:
We are little Israelites standing round shitting ourselves with the Philestines surrounding us, doomed. Then a seemingly insignificant and weak nobody steps out from the midst of us and saves us from an impossible Giant so that we can surge forward with a shout, enemy defeated! Miraculous empowerment for man. The analogy here is, of course, Jesus.

How naïve, nay arrogant, to think that we are David when really Jesus is? David didn't need the army of scared and foolish soldiers behind him, he did if for the army so that they would not die.


All that said, an essay is not eternal life and just 'cause I am guaranteed of the second does not mean that the first will come to pass. I cannot claim that in hope I know the full extent of the mind of God and I must remember that my certainty of grace is in the eternal sense and that here and now, finitely, we cannot comprehend the full applications of infinity. That is to say, grace acted out on earth doesn't always look like a gift as we know it (also coming in the shape of lessons, refinement, rebuke etc) and I must be wary that this coursework does not become a "what have you done for me lately" scenario with my idea of grace being pined onto something so subjective.

God likes blessing me and wants the best for me, I can hope assuredly for that... and just ask really nicely that academic success is the way He chooses to administer it!

P.S. I'm not very good at acknowledging grace, I didn't even have a tag for it (only for 'Grace Killers'). I've been too tied up receiving it and applying it to my life to stop and go "Wow" so I reckon this is a lesson that I am well in need of. It's pretty Amazing, isn't it?!

Late Night Delight

I HAVE to be quick.

The most amazing day. Not even going to go into details as I will just get caught up and it will stop being a "quickie" but WOW! Really feel like what God is saying to me is that of all the things that are crazy and big and huge and wonderful and inconceivable awesome that I am seeking, He has even better stuff. Like you think my imagination is wild, what about His?! I know that there is always the "caveat" of 'but His will be done' but seriously, all that capacity, who doesn't want His will to be done?!

Still. I am praying pretty hardcore about some specific issues in my life, not least "the essay" and seeing great results that are actually more promising that I ever conceived. (Duh! But still, cool that He said it then straight away did it!) E.g. My plan is Shit Hot and basically has HUGE potential to be a fantastic collaboration of ideas and creative thinking (also potential to flop majorly but doesn't everything big and exciting? Who wants to play it safe, especially with God on your side...?!). Shit Hot isn't verbatim but I could see it in my tutor's eyes...

Talked far too much today about life in general and, though I had a great meeting and further thinking and writing stemmed, my bulk of time was spent with people catching up etc. The promise (like in that poem I posted, brilliant much?) is still much in potentia with graft in the near, but so far avoided, future. That will have to stop. Not least because my voice (which really hates me right now) is in need of rehab.

BUT it is pretty neat that there is this verse that totally says what I feel God is saying. Always good to have it in the bible too:

"When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:14-21

I located it using biblegateway.com, or google for Christians as I now know it (I have my sis to thank for that one!), then reread it at Mich's tonight in her NLT. Which I had forgotten how amazing it was (what with losing my version really sadly near the start of last term :-( ). The wording just grabbed me. Particularly the bit about "infinite resources" (one of the things I mentioned a few posts back about humanity not really being finite and couldn't find a well phrased verse on resources) and then the "infinitely more that we might ask or think" 'cause it is the maths AND the message. [Aside: NIV mentions hope which is cool too. Boy, this whole versions thing is clearly going to start confusing me!] Plus 'tis just a wonderfully phrased passage, I think I need to get a new one of these. Also, aside from the end which is the premise I based my search on, is the whole bit above about being rooted in God's love which is just totally the ongoing message both in general and specifically to me right now.

Anywho. Bed is SO the main objective. I get really frustrated by how much is going on that I am thinking and learning and experiencing, yet at a point where there is no time to write about it. Always the way. I suppose it is partly procrastination temptation though - there are always things happening but there aren't always things to avoid!

Oooh ooooh! I also found out really suddenly, before I was even caring or searching at all, what I shall be doing next year. How good is that?! All I need to do is get there...!

N'night x

Clearer Vision

There has been so much learning going on this "season". It's cool but it sure isn't conducive to writing snappy thought-out posts. Which is, clearly, what BGB is all about. Hmmm, what I have I been doing in my regular life then, if faith is too much to discuss...

I bought new glasses! It took me 2.5 hours to choose them which was terrible and I wanted to die and there were about 4 staff members trying to help me pick them out till they all got fed up. I finally found my second pair (it was buy one get one free) when a women started getting unopened stock out for me to see - what with me having tried everything on the shop floor.

But, after much patience and waiting, wanting things to be right and them not being, stressing and feeling terrible for stressing other people, pretending I was nearly there when I wasn't and very very almost compromising... I got the poifick pair. Really really good. (I actually got 3 in the end: red like when I was small, black funky-secretary style and a really cheap granny round pair from the really cheap granny round range.) I tried and tried to make it happen but in the end I simply had to be rescued by something that was totally out of my control. Even praying was not bringing a direct result and I was terrified I would keep stalemating till I freaked out; yet eventually I loved what I came away with and they could not be better.

Maybe there is something in that. At a time when all my anger, pain and bitterness towards past friends, not-so-friends, God, you name it suddenly hit me (just when I thought it had all gone) and seemed to totally overwhelm my "walk", I got a little message whilst at church to do with the Exodus. Particularly this bit. My Egyptians, whatever, whoever they are, are riding over the distant sand dune and gaining on me. Nowhere to run to. No more forcing it I have nothing left to give, I am trapped by the red sea and desperate. Yet, I am being promised deliverance. When there is no hope and no way out there is light at the end of the tunnel (or perhaps damp sand at the bottom of a miraculous passageway). Dude it even follows the baby analogy of a few posts ago (teehee, deliverance you get it?).

I really can't force this. I have to stop. I may look like I am walking in sin and messing up and being unrighteous and everything but there is no use in having a faith that is grounded in work and obligation. I can't possibly do this. I have tried everything and nothing is right and now I am waiting for the answer that cannot be picked off a shelf and chosen by me to suit - he is going to have to hand me the perfect fit. Which is cool because that is the verse that comes next. I am not fighting this one, regardless of what Timothy says. 'Tis not for me actually Haggai, I am on a different page.

Once again I have started on the mundane and gone on to stretch a ridiculous analogy. I don't care, I like it.

Night x

I should go to bed but...

I was writing a rough journal and a thought that started forming earlier this evening started forming a bit more and I figured as I was writing it down why not articulate and share. Being in suburban London right now I feel a little cut off from the rest of the world so this way I can pretend I am still in touch.

Can't be arsed to review Christmas just yet. It was good, busy, a big haze of thinking and storing up and pondering but then I suppose that is what the end of the year is for. Mary had the right idea.

What was it from today?

Firstly a circumstance that arose out of a little thing (which had been discussed at lunch in the context of mathematically modelling God's plan - not easy!). Namely a pizza that a friend and I shared and both felt at the end, with our doggie bags, that it was not worth buying such a large one as, since we were back home, dinner was provided. Stupid money that cost (for a student you understand). Ah well, we'll learn. Then on the way home, as I debated munching it anyway before dinner as something to do on the train (instead I got so into this book that I missed my stop and nearly missed it again coming back!), I was convicted to give it to a homeless lady I saw. Thus dealing with several issues at once, not least self-control. But probably most, the importance of acting on what I believe. Not a huge amount, I still can't handle that I fear, but to say that I need to practise what I preach and get down to a little bit of sharing the love and appreciating people, all people, is quite an understatement.

We had a wicked time, I always do with those that aren't bound up in this crappy society; I wonder there is any point coming back to it sometimes. I am already comfortable and indulgent and compromising my actions but a few hours on. One thing that she said, that I had read in the aforementioned book but hadn't expected to see it so clearly and so soon after, was that all the c*nts that were rude, tried to pimp her/buy her, ignore and degraded her... all these people just went to show that the ones that didn't were that much more special. She said that she saw the 1% that was good and that she didn't think many people in London even saw that. Talk about an attitude of gratitude. And such a testimony to how I see evil - the way it is there to contrast against God that we may understand how bloody fantastic He is and choose to love Him. You can't comprehend light until you see the contrast with darkness.

Not the point of this post. The point was this:
She commented on my boots and said that she like them. That she spent a lot of time at street level and so had become quite aware of such things. Then she said that she had spotted me walking past before, 'cause I had quite a distinctive outft on (I was wearing a mixture of furry snow boots, bright red and leopard print I confess) and asked me why I had come back (I did the Levite before I did the Good Samaritan). I didn't tell her it was 'cause I didn't want to get fat munching on the train but it did make me think later... She saw me, standing out in the crowd, I was not just another pair of shoes. I see a lady on the street and I think she is obvious because she is outcast and different but I (despite my outfit choices - these thing are only relevant to the analogy not the message) will merge into the crowd and pass by unnoticed. Eh-eh (imagine gameshow blunder sound). There is no excuse, there is no reason, there is no opting out of that scenario. We cannot blend into the background and pretend that we are not part of that scene, that hustle and bustle; we have been spotted and are implicated whether we like it or not.

I'm going to quote Shane now, quoting yet someone else again, 'cause he is my (and everyone else's at the moment!) new "hero". It won't be as eloquent I warn you now:
Guy says to another guy "I want to ask God why he lets so much poverty and suffering happen in the world but I'm afraid He will ask me the same question back."
We are God's hand and feet on earth now that Jesus isn't here, the body of Christ as it were, so if we see things that need doing, duh, aren't we the instruments to get it done? That last bit was very much in the words of K.B. but the principles run deeper even that S.C. nay twas J.C. Himself.

Blimey. This is some serious shit. We're talkin' 'bout a revolution, sounds, like a whisper.

Live Repentance feat. Analogy

I don't know what to blog about! I have lots of things I could do - both trivial and non - but I don't know which one to choose. I feel like writing about what is most recent given that would be the freshest "off the press" story and some of the others can go on hold easily... But there are even so many recent things to distill.

Had a great morning full of answers to prayer to do with work and hugely augmented faith as a result. Bit of a crash in the middle which I am putting down to Satan being so annoyed at earlier victory but with a great boost from a very well-timed sister! Amazing evening with my girlies which would take a lot of background info but was very inspired and boosting and wonderful... and then there was the drive home.

Not much has happened since I got in the door so I suppose that is the most recent thing.

I have a car. It is a bit of a luxury as a student. Especially given how safe and functional it is! I know I talk about environment and consumerism but I think that this car is OK and, selfishness aside, I will try and justify it. I see it very much as a gift from God and as such try and use it for other people where possible. Not in a "wow I'm holy way" but you know the bible says for those that use their gifts more is given and for those that don't they will be taken away - I figure if I give people lifts I may get my VW camper and if I don't I may have to take the bus. It's a nobrainer! Anyway. I have recently been able to do this a lot. It's cold and dark and there has been a bit of prowler around Brizzle but in that I have been picking up and dropping off girls and, well, I suppose letting God use me to protect them. I love it! So I was thanking him for this tonight when I took my friends home and it led me onto the story of how I got Valerie (the car). Which made me realise in turn some things that I probably needed to repent of! You can be my witnesses.

When I passed my test, back in the summer of '06, I didn't think I'd get a car. Then a friend of a friend was getting rid of their's and offered it my way. Even that was a God thing (not just 'cause they were a Christian) as it really did bless me tons and gave me a sense of freedom and security at a time when I was a bit unsettled and very not free. In honour of the Christianess of the gift I called the car Eli. It was defo a boy and I thought it was a cool name. Well then, a short way into the first term of the next academic year I had a little accident. First POI (point of impetus!): forgive and let go of blame in that - the person who did not indicate, the person who pissed me off before I got in the car, myself for being a numpty. CHECK. I still drove Eli for ages unrepaired, irresponsibly I suppose but the indicator worked - just. I'm sorry for that too - doesn't really show much love does it. When I got home at Christmas, the last day of term in fact (driving on the M25 to be specific) it finally gave up. I get home and I could not go right without waving an arm. Pretty cool stuff that it lasted till then exactly so thanks God!

It was a clear write-off. A car that cost a penny for legalistic ownership sakes was really not worth replacing the whole front and side of. Rubbish. Or not... here's a cunning tip for you kids: if you want a car get one that is cheap and dangerous, put all your brothers and sisters and their spouses in it, go visit the parents, then drive off in the dark with the bonnet making a noise as it scrape along the ground. This happened in the middle of the term and... well... long story short there was an early 21st present waiting for me back home!

The short story long is that they had been so distressed by this scenario that they decided I had to have a new car and it had to be before my birthday (in April) so it would come at Christmas. They chose it carefully and were going to surprise me with it in the new year just before I drove back but seeing my car at a new level of atrocity they ended up telling me straight away. I couldn't get it till the end of the hols 'cause one of the reasons they acted early was so it could first be used by this lovely missionary couple we know that visit England every Christmas back from their project in Uganda.

Well, needless to say I was delighted! Of course they were welcome to the car for now, I was the luckiest girl already. My wheels now had a roll cage! More than than even (important though it is I'm sure) it had a radio controlled lock and CD player!! OK, the crunch time was that it was a Nissan Micra new style... the girliest middle age car ever made and with a weird face at the front. The funny thing about this was that my parents had bought one 6 months prior (which is why they knew it was good) and at the time I had told them not to 'cause I hated them! Lol, that is so them not to remember, how endearing - I was so excited it didn't really matter.

'Cept when there is a though of negativity, even a little bit, there tends to be a build up of frustration in relationships. We say things are OK and push on trying to make it so, telling ourselves that we are bad for feeling, well ingratitude for example. Meanwhile it boils beneath the surface unless you deal with it or it erupts. Forcing loving ain't possible - it needs to come from God or it won't be lasting and for that we need to confess and ask him to help.

I can see you looking shocked that I ever had a problem, even for a minute, with this situation. What can I say - I told you I'm not holy. Spoiled brat comes to mind right...? Well, I agree. I'm all about exposing the past crap and the lies that bring us to that place and you know what, as I told this story to my car full of friends I realised that some of it just never got officially addressed. People at my church talk about "doing business with God" which makes me cringe but it does kinda have a point too. I often find myself saying "I'll do it later" and I realise that sometimes I find it hard to make time and concentrate and bring these things before Him. Well maybe that "another day" attitude is something that we get from Satan trying to stop us dealing with things that we'd benefit "settling up the account" over. So I'm doing it now, live as it were (!) to make sure I don't let that happen.

What happened then? Well Mum and Dad aren't hearing this for the first time - they did eventually bear the fall out of these pent up thoughts. Sorry 'bout that by the way - I'll ring you and do it properly, but sorry. I needed a bit of practise before the motorway trip so I took their Nissan for spin round Sainsbury's car park and it was then that I had a bit of a stress. The thing is Eli (who was a Mazda LX 121) had this really big square back window with visibility to die for (or not!) and I could park easily and see to the left and right and all kinds of good stuff like that. Check him out:

Suddenly a modern car with side bars and rounded design and safely features just didn't do it at all - I could not drive this car. It wasn't right for me; it wasn't 'me'. I panicked, I stressed, I let all the pent up frustrations ever get to me and God wasn't there to dispell that with his love, or heal any insecurities or damages. So I vented. Big time. I've always been a tell-it-like-it-is-girl but I used to be a lot less loving in that and I suppose for all these things I am really sorry too and need to say it - and accept forgiveness too.

At the time though it just came out. That they hadn't checked with me 'cause they wanted to do this for their friends and my input didn't count, they went for a car I told them I didn't like and didn't even care enough to remember that, they didn't actually care about me at all it was just "doing the right thing" and getting rid of potential guilt, their Christian motives came before their parental ones (always a killer for kids of Christians, ask any shrink!), they chose a car they didn't represent me at all - that wasn't anger so much as me being upset that I had to let go of Eli, retro and cool with a red and grey striped interior, boxy shape and tape player on which I listened to all the old Now's; then replace it with a modern girly-but-not-in-a-good-way boring car that made me a grown up before I was ready. I felt like I was missing the window on being a studenty fun cheap car'd chick who could paint patterns and what not. This was it. A few months of that was all I got. A mum-mobile before I was a mum that would last so long I'd be one by then and it would be too late to be cool.

I don't say this 'cause I want to make my folks feel bad. I acknowledge that it was totally not a valid reaction and most people would be shocked that I said this in response to a car given freely and lovingly out of a genuine care for safety and happiness. There was an oversight of not consulting me but it is just as much sweet that they wanted to surprise me and t'was my own "issues" that made this stuff come up, not their mistakes. Deep rooted ones that are put there by the enemy to upset us and drive wedges between people and hide away so we can't identify them. We were talking today about things from when we're young that we then need to deal with as adults. Happens to us all. Which is the point - one lady shared about her friend who had to forgive her mum for neglecting them as kids because she spent all her energies guarding them from an abusive father. It's hardly wrong and the frustrating thing is that were she to have not done that her daughter would be forgiving her for having not guarded them from an abusive father. It seems like a lose-lose situation.

The truth it, pobody is nerfect (I know, I'm sorry). In any relationship (and parents are just the obvious ones 'cause they are so early on and so key) things go wrong 'cause of the fallen human nature. When we grow up, or just move on, we need to take responsibility for this and learn to deal with it by letting God and his love sort out our problems. There was Adam and he brought in the shite but Jesus came to take it back out so really let's get over the inevitable flaws, forgiving ourselves and each other, so we can receive His perfection.

Our relationship with Him is based upon what we have modeled to us and if we can't get past the errors that will inevitably be there we won't be able to have a whole relationship with Him.

The funny thing too is that Valerie just is me now! Even named after a song that reminds me of me ("I miss your ginger hair and the way you like to dress" - what's that you say...? Narcissistic?). I was rebelling and not feeling ready for maturity but I was and it came and now, well, I am loving her and her electric windows and reliability and security and all that jazz. I like being warm when I drive along and having comfortable suspension! I love that God gave me a car and how, right since I got back, it has come in really handy for so many people. I still wouldn't say no a a VW one day but my identity is in Him and not in my transportation. Though I did just use my car as an analogy for my new life so in a way I suppose my identity is in my transportation... Oh it's late, I'm allowed to make no sense! Going back to the analogy briefly: dangerous wreck that nearly got me seriously injured - loving parent gave me a brand new wonderful safe and fitting vehicle that meets my needs and has far more value... Love it!

I love my car. I love my parents. I love my God. I love leaving old identities behind and coming into new ones. I smirk that my last post was about wanting to not be über-Christian but I still write about this before I share cabbage recipes... Oh well. Some things there just ain't no denying... You've such amazing grace :-)

N.B. The last line quotes an 80's power ballad called 'The Power of Love' but I figure noone will get that unnoitified.

A Discovery of Deception

I was just now thinking about what it is that's so hard about struggles. Life struggles, faith struggles, dealing with personal issues or just being motivated to live in all fullness. Just anything hard really.

And I discovered a LIE! You know one of those things that you just think without realising that it is a load of bollocks.

When I get demotivated, which is quite a lot actually, it feels like I am wasting life. I know I am doing wrong when I seek comfort in bad places (I've tried quite a few in my time and though my vices are less these days there are still plenty of things that get me, some more that others. Like blocking out reality by going on line, or comfort eating...) and generally don't live up to God's perfect ideal. Which really sucks.

Then of course enters the knowledge that I really need to sort out my self discipline. It is biblical and good (especially for managing time which is of utmost importance to me and also something that Mrs P31, my inspiration, did). It gives one self control instead of letting worldly things take over. Fasting is SUCH a good example, it can bring me out of a fleshly plane and helps me focus on the spiritual realm a bit more.

But something was going majorly wrong.

I've been a bit run down spiritually, going up'n'down in a mostly usual way but it has been growing slowly more negative as the low moments are becoming longer. I often put this kind of thing down to when God is doing cool stuff in and/or through me and the debil does not like it. Makes sense of late, life is pretty intense and exciting on many fronts...

So I have been really fixated on the goal of self-control as being my key to unlocking this depression. Like, getting out of bed on time, eating sensibly, setting goals for work and other such targets. All the stuff that I know works, is biblically sound and therapistically too come to think of it. Forming a habit and then inhabiting the form (Don'tcha love that?).

But I missed the point entire and I think that perhaps this kinda stems from the fact that I looked at the psychology and having noted that it's *like* the bible followed it instead; forgetting that the bible is the first truth and how things that looks like it are a semblance or a shadow of the truth. Likely to break down in their validity at some point, as they forget about my omnipotent God.

'Cause the thing that makes no sense is that when the moment is at it's most crucial - where every decision is hardest and the easiest things to do become huge goals; going to a lecture is a day's worth of achievement and getting a coursework actually completed and handed in on time feels like it should last a week; having a single positive thought feels like you have won some prize but the balance can tip in an instant - that is when I am supposed to exert self-control. It's already impressive to be disciplined when life is hunky dorey and I make the choice to get up before 9, wash, read, go to uni, pray, be slightly organised and tidy and make the most of most of my time. To then put my emotions at the other end of the scale where getting up at all becomes an achievement and turning up late to a seminar feels like I deserve a first class degree and THEN say I need to train myself into positive habits... Now THAT really is akin to getting a camel - a very miserable and stubborn camel - out of a big pit of mirey clay and telling it to understand Second Order Logic.

Duh. This isn't Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I am not supposed to be "training" myself to do anything.

I've just seen that what I've been trying to do is akin to using Will Power and thus living in my own strength. By sneakily disguising it under the name self-control which we all know is a good thing Satan can bring in an incredible amount of pain to a struggle that is supposed to be easy to bear. That verse in 2 Peter, "make every effort..." doesn't mean you "try on your own". We cannot do these things by own own strength. This self-control that helps us live a Godly life, it is one of the fruits of the Spirit and it is funny how utterly subtly I just forgot that these are given to us and not something we work for. We must desire it but we do not have to DO a single thing to receive it.

Those who hope in the Lord WILL renew their strength and rise up on wings like eagles.
I hope so I will. I don't will to have hope.

I start off rambling, I sort of have a point by the end... I dare you to read it:

You know that exciting feeling you get when your phone receives a text? The anticipation, the knowledge that someone loves you, the idea that the course of your life could actually change in that moment (Note: if this is because it could be a proposal then you should probably get another boyfriend) or at least the course of your evening. Then of course, there is the amplification factor when you are really anticipating a text or just willing something to come in and break the expected routine for the rest of the day... well, I just got a text that was the King of Anticlimax!

From no-one rubbish, not saying anything bad (making a vague invitation for some point in the future to something I don't particularly want to do). Just a nothing text. Thing is it came right at the wrong moment. When all you want is a last minute invite for a Saturday night or a little bit of a friendly wassup (I don't mean one of those conversations that go nowhere... they do very little for me) or an answer to a question you asked. Ironic since I just came home from a party I could have stayed at but am socially drained from previously/afore mentioned ball and party and need to be on my own. My point? Have I got one? I suppose something along the lines of when things just aren't as classically comforting as you would wish for. But that it's OK. God knows what I really need and I know that He can and will give it to me. Which is nice. Makes a change from the no faith I had in that a year ago.

How was the ball? Well, I suppose I kinda felt like, just as God took me shopping for a dress and made me feel like I could justify pampering myself for the evening, that He was then my date too. Which is a good thing 'cause it wasn't really the pick up a guy sort of place! :-P I hadn't been out dancing for a while (except about half an hour at the Halloween gig but not that many of my friends were shaking their thang and it was, afterall, in Pickwicks) and it was good to move. I went with a new friend Rachel that I have only met properly recently, having chatted with a bit over t'internet these past 6 months or so; that was really cool and I dragged her into the dance-off competition... and we made it to the finals! So exhilarating. Which was, I suppose, what I needed then. (I swear we only lost 'cause the winners were a mixed couple and it was a church!)

Today my friend Ben told me my hair was looking longer. I was waiting for someone to mention it - that's kinda how you assess growth isn't it, 'cause you see it in yourself so slowly it's hard to be sure. Like with personal growth. Which I've done a bit more of recently I think. Scary to notice how fast things are happening actually, given that the longer my hair gets the more progress I will make, the readier I become (readier for what I don't know but it's good to be ready!), the newer the challenges, the bigger the responsibilities (this is taking the basic though controversial assumption that my hair and spiritual development are directly proportional). Sometimes you just want to regress to early years and cling onto what you are comfortable with. But to quote an old cheesy DCTalk lyric:
"Separated, I cut myself clean, from a past that comes back in my darkest of dreams. Been apprehended by a spiritual force and a grace that replaced all the me I divorced".
If I regress now, in fear of what this growth will bring, then the faith I was talking about; the fact that I can now shake it on a dance floor under the judgement of a room full of unknown Christians (which honestly is probably the most intense kind of judgement!); and generally being able to say I'm going home now, I've had enough (Aside: Ben also said to me today that I was a lot calmer than when he knew me before, which was particularly funny given the shock on the faces of the people who had only just met me!) will be but vague shadowy forms of what could have come.

Paul said this. Jesus said this. I've met people that seem to assume the latter means staying naïve in your faith but I really don't think that is the point. We need to stay fresh in our faith and our purity from worldly influences but as far as not growing or learning or thinking differently - that is the whole deal. I've done a fair amount of thinking about what I really see as the point of life - I don't know if I mentioned it before but I kinda suddenly found that I'd got this "I have all the answers" attitude and realised it was only true by default and not by heart. As I write I realise that this is basically the crux of what God has been doing in me: working on my own understanding so that it isn't just a matter of signing up blind to find out one day what's going on. He's showing me, as I start to think more like an adult (sometimes!), more fully what is going on and how His Kingdom works. This is what Paul said straight away next and it doesn't mean we shouldn't know anything; we will know in part and we need to strive towards that in our maturity - not taking the innocence as an excuse for ignorance.

Some nice bloke prophecied over me t'other day (happens a lot here, like it! When done sensibly with a good bit of critical spirit of course) and the thing I'm excited by as I write is that the verse he gave was the next one in this passage (I don't plan ahead in these entries, they kinda just happen. I don't know the bible well enough - thank Heaven for Biblegateway search!). Faith, hope and love - the greatest being Love. Which is basically what I have been learning about don'tcha know. The next blog I write will be called "The Meaning of Life"... I just gave the synopisis but hey, I can stretch it out.

God knows I need to know a bit, not everything but a rough guide, a poor reflection, an essence of what the hell is going on anyway. So I am rather glad that He has shown me some stuff and given me a good bit of general direction etc.

On the topic of Christian maturity, it was Beautiful Brian's sweet 16th yesterday, so Happy Rebirthday Brian! If you still ever read BGB... It's my 6 months on Tues too - getting old. Lord knows who I'll be at Christmas. More like Jesus I hope! Not in a "superspiritual" way of course... In a "super spiritual" way! (Can you pick up that intonation?!).

I just got the King of Anticlimax phone call - a wrong number on my landline! Lol, I'm off to spend a quite night in with God, a DVD and maybe some late tea (the eating kind) and tea (the hot decaff kind)... Night! x

A collection of Arbitrary Thoughts

"The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one." - George Bernard Shaw
- doesn't mean beer doesn't exist though, does it?

I'm shamelessly stealing the post one friend made to another on facebook today. What can I say, sometimes an original thought is just not as good as a copied one. Anyway, who says there is such a thing as original thought? And if you don't believe me look at the cyclicity of catwalks. I just wonder what it will be like when we get to heaven - is that why we are going to wear robes of righteousness? They want everyone in the same thing so that the fashion industry doesn't go insane over the course of eternity.

Time is of the essence these days as I challenge myself on waste. Whilst it's true that one has to be careful not to fill up one's time excessively and end up missing out on what is really important, as I look at all the crazycool things I want to do (least of all finish my degree) I find myself aware that there is a lot of time in my life that is not spent wisely and which if so could be put to such uses. So that has been something I am working on. I mean, I can't really say I don't have time to feed homeless people 'cause of my studies when what I really mean is I don't have time to feed homeless people 'cause it takes me an hour to get dressed every day, I can't go into a supermarket without wandering round aimlessly for at least half an hour and possibly not buying anything, I have a midday change 'cause I get bored of what I am wearing, I don't know what to have for dinner, I write down everything that goes through my head (that one is getting better mind), I spend ages on facebook and other internet based blackholes and generally waste such a lot of time on indecisive behaviour that I can barely fit my studies in around it. I reckon I can save 2 hours a day easily, which translates into lots of productivity in potentia.

We so often talk about being stewards of the money that God gives us but I think time is our most precious resource. We can't earn it or borrow it or be gifted it (excepting of course when God wants to make something really cool happen) or store it up. Everyone has a equal amount and it is something we can all offer back to God the same. So I am trying to do that with mine a bit.

I have had an AMAZING second half to my day; full of direction, vision, revelation, healing and generally great stuff. I don't want to spend time expanding on that now when I have bed to be sleeping in, reading to get done and generally time to be stewarding so I'll leave you with a couple more collected thoughts and fill you in when I next schedule some BGB QT.

I'm fed up of wishing people good luck. It is what we say naturally 'cause of one of those foolish human semantical bollocks things. I don't believe in it and hate that sometimes it just seems like the obvious thing to say. E.g. I can't come out I have an exam tomorrow. Oh, good luck with that! "Blessings" sounds really serious and a bit patronising, particularly with non-Christians. So I have decided on God luck. Like when something is a God idea but with luck. Looks like it could be a spelling mistake and makes me feel less like a hyprocrite. OK, so a *little* bit cheesy perhaps but this is me after all... Watch out for it people, I'll be exercising that one!

Been talking a fair amount about teleportation. The little know miracle of the New Testament and very very cool. That is my most sought after spiritual gift (after optional invisibility that is)...

Anyway. I just spent too much time looking up the miraculous movement incident in the Old Testament that involved being carried by an eagle from the hair and I think that, for the sake of my not wasting time policy, I will leave this unfinished and a bit confusing and hope you love me anyway. I don't think, having looked, that it really happened - I only heard about it third party afterall... Shame, I was going to steal another joke about Old Covenant and New Covenant teleportation.

Jumping on other people's comedy bandwagon as it were. That's one of those "is it an inny or an outy?" phrases in't it. From the bible or not that is. "Word or turd?" when talking to post-16's. It's not exactly a concept foreign to us Christians. My whole life is built upon jumping on the bandwagon of a 2000 year old lowly bastard Jewish carpenter that had a penchant for rebellion. How he made his ideas stick around so long and spread so very very far and wide across time and culture I'll never know. It's almost as if something out of the ordinary was going on...

Thank You Parents

My parents are THE BEST EVER. Like, I know we all say it (or sometimes really don't!) but today I think they may have surpassed the limit of giving good gifts to their children into downright inconceivable.

Whilst I have been away they have supervised the repair of all my windows, built me a bed, put up my bathroom cabinet, hung my curtains, bought and fitted a pulleyed clothed dryer in my kitchen, dropped off the furniture that matches my grandparents old dresser (that they also gave me), renewed the tax disc in my car, done my washing... and I've probably missed or forgotten or just not found out something else...

I am not trying to boast. I am trying to say 'Thank You' and 'I Love You'. I also want to make an analogy.

I find it hard to write this post because:
a) it sounds really cheesy and I know that there have probably been LOADS of times where I have not been so vehement of this attitude (justifiably and not!) and generally it seems glib,
and
b) I know how lucky I am and it can't be easy for people that don't have parents, don't have such obviously attentive caring ones, or maybe theirs just can't help them is such ways... I feel bad rubbing that in those people's face and also like I come across a little smug.

But the thing is, this is such a perfect example of what parenthood can be. In this moment of wonderfulness (which can also be seen in the times of discipline, hardship and controversy but is perhaps less obvious) I can see clearly an image of the fatherhood and motherhood of God. I don't want to overlook the glory of this feeling so I think I will write about it anyway.

The role of a parent is so important in the way it is an example of our relationship with God (like how marriage demonstrates another aspect - don'tcha just love how diverse relationships are, how with God we have all the sorts rolled into one and that He gives us examples of the different aspects!). That is a huge challenge to rise to and of course they are going to get it wrong sometimes.

Though for some that may seem like an understatement and with this symbolism comes it's own problems. Firstly I am aware that not everyone feels the same joy in these type of relationships. As with any hardship it is easier said that done to say that God is working through that to teach and to bring good things and that His parentage however hands-off it may seem (not true mind) is sufficient. So often it becomes easy for us to assimilate our negative images of parents with the biblical analogy and think that the worldly elements of error is something we receive from our Heavenly Father instead of those being exactly what He isn't. That sucks and I am sorry.

'Cause when I look at what I have and what maybe others don't I am reminded that we all have the same promises from God. And that what my parents fail at, He doesn't. And that the size of what they give is tiny in comparison with what He gives. So, while it may be a rubbish thing to hear me to say, I am glad that there is in the world examples of parentage being this lovely 'cause it can help just a little bit to understand what it means to be a child of God. You can't deny I am lucky and He does all the above and more: wow am I looking forward to finding out His surprises...!

Another thing I have realised is how easy it is for me to say thank you and I love you in a really heartfelt way to my biological parents:
a) Shameful fact that it is the result of a direct gift is telling of how easily I forget otherwise,
and
b) When it's God and you can't see the joy in His face or hear it in his voice, does it feel as rewarding? Are we as compelled?

I can't be ashamed to have such great folks, to do so would be to shirk the gift that God gave me when he put me in this family. So today I just want to say 'Thank You' and 'I Love You'. To my earthly parents - superstars and a wonderful demonstration of His love; and to Him, for blessing me with them.

Sidetracked

In the days before I came to Geneva I was building up quite a few blog thoughts. I can't promise they will ever make it here: back then I was too busy with life and not online; now I have plenty of time and a (sneaky) wireless connection with a comfy sofa, but my thoughts are elsewhere - and where I am not even sure.

The thing about blogging is, sometimes a post can only be posted when it is relevant to what you just did. I will start writing about a particular incident from my day then be rushed off on the next project; getting home at night with no way to finish and by the morning the moment has passed and I am on to the next thing.

Which in this situation I suppose is not critical. One might even argue that I was making a choice between real life and e-life and that in doing so while BGB might miss out, Kat(i)e was almost certainly edified... which can be no bad thing.

But let's suppose, just for a moment, that this blog actually suffered. Like, from neglect that is. It hasn't become something that it could have and is constantly yelling "I have unfulfilled potential 'cause you aren't writing in me".

If I don't complete on time I will miss the deadline and then that particular thought will be null and void - like a news reporter where the big story is all about what I had for lunch and how God revealed something exciting to me about it. It is true that in life there are other things in the mix and only 24 hours in the day (well, let's not make that a hard and fast rule, God can do what He likes with time but I don't think I should schedule my days in that knowledge) and that we can't have everything but I wish, sometimes, that I weighed up the payoff a bit more - regretting posts that I ought to have made but never quite got around to dealing with a tricky paragraph, or looking up a certain fact, or being disciplined enough to finish or, well, facing up to something that really just needs a total rethink.

I know a lot about waiting. I am good at that these days. Well, a bit better anyway. You know what they say about the 7 years Jacob waited for Rachel and then he got given Leah and had to start again? There is so much importance in patience and trusting God (or whatever you may believe) and learning something very valuable so that you are ready when God finally says Yes! Sometimes it maybe even just be about the self-discipline or the sacrifice but wait is DEFINITELY a good, nay a God, thing.

But I am also good at "waiting" when I actually mean Procrastinating. Thinking that at some point in the future it will be more appropriate and perhaps that if something is hard right now it is evidence that the time is not right. Looking at the bible bit it can be easy to ignore the fact that though Isaac waited and worked 7 years for Leah, he only had to do another week to get Rachel - the next 7 years came after the prize. It makes sense doesn't it? I mean, we are never going to be totally ready for anything.

I know that when I write my blog it takes me longer than it ought to. I'm easily sidetracked when difficulties come up and get a bit perfectionist about the silliest of things. The real problem arises however when I then pretend that if life is too full to get it done I obviously was not supposed to make that blog. Maybe if I didn't avoid the more unpleasant things and instead looked them straight in the face and dealt I would be able to press the 'publish' button instead of the 'save for later' one a bit more.

I wasn't sure where I was going with this post. It kinda just grew out of sitting down with, for once, absolutely no idea what to say. The message coming out for me seems about discipline and getting a task that I wish was something that could put off till later, completed. Lord knows that's been relevant a lot since starting back at uni! I need to stop saying it is about the one day when actually, more scarily, it might be about the now.

Wait and procrastinate (I HAVE to use that rhyme) can look very similar but they are vastly different. One gives you more in the long run and t'other, well, it leaves you somewhat lacking.

So I better go back through and redraft till I am content with this post. If you are reading it then you can be happy for me that this day I didn't delay.

Next stop, applying this to something that will actually be life changing...!

Don't Be Happy For Me

It’s kinda hard for anyone to miss the fact that my life has changed. Ask anyone that knew me before I went to Geneva, before I found Jesus, before the light, and they will say that I am a hell of a lot happier. Well, they may not say “hell”, that would depend on who’s talking; and the word happier is a very deceptive one because it conveys more of an instantaneous emotion and doesn’t necessarily suggest depth. They tend to mean content, satisfied, a changed state of mind, I see it a bit like what the Ancient Greeks called eudaimonia and were all searching for (I like the wiki "human flourishing"). Anyway, the simple truth of it is that they have seen the Joy I found. Joy that supersedes the instantaneous emotions and drastically changes my outlook (I hope the verses don't seem too tenuous. I can't go into explaining them all now, this is just background). Joy that gives me strength. Joy, evidence of The Spirit, that brings me back to life.

I used to be angry. I used to be miserable. I used to make decisions that did not value me and would treat other people with equal disappreciation. I was selfish and yet had no self-respect. I used to get demotivated very easily, struggle a great deal to even get up in the morning and I hated switching my mind on in case the thoughts were too much to deal with. I spent all my cognitive energies on obsessive behaviour and would get caught up in depression with no way out. I used to scare people. I used to be scared by people. I used to scare myself. I had bought into the lies of the world to a terrifying degree and had a very inappropriate sense of humour. Most of these things have changed…! I still wear silly clothes a lot of the time and don't always quite know when to stop but, meh, you got to be true to yourself. I am a lot more grateful for everything now and let’s not forget the joy.

You know what? People have actually noticed. I’m not saying I have been giving a great testimony all the time, I’ve made some pretty major mistakes already and struggle with always conveying the truth of which I am not at all proud. Yet even with all this, close friends, old acquaintances even departmental secretaries see it.

But let me tell you what pisses me off. When people say “I’m really happy for you.”

OK, if you’re a Christian I think you can get away with it. Though perhaps, again with the “happy”, that’s a bit of an instantaneous and easily quashed emotion. My favourite reaction was from an old flatmate who said I should have a party when I got back. I liked that one – a ‘Kat(i)e Got Saved’ party with the tag line “because the angels are doing it”. It’s a bit fat rejoicement.

But if you’re not a Christian then why, in heaven or on earth, would you be glad? Don’t you see, I haven’t found something that “works for me”. I am single minded in my belief that what I have found is the truth and that if you are not in agreement you must, quite simply, be wrong.

I don’t judge you (will save that for if you become one of "us") but seriously, isn’t it the most patronising thing you ever heard that I pray for you and care to see you find the same thing. But it is clearly explicit in the Bible that Jesus is THE ONLY WAY and if I tell you I’m a Christian I am saying I believe this very thing: I am right you are wrong and I can’t be persuaded to compromise. I won’t always ram it down your throat but I can’t help having it as a very predominant silent thought most of the time. Unless I’m in a bitchy mood then surely that’s even worse – that I stop caring?

I’m not actually trying to persuade you to stop being friends with me now that I am crazy. I just want you to realise that being happy for me is stupid – what I have found only truly works for me if it works for everyone, so either I am deluded and you ought to be worried for me or I am right and you ought to be worried for yourself.

Muffin Anyone? Only if it's "skinny"

I have kept silent for too long about how ruddy bloody crap the world is. Well today a good bit of old fashioned sharing of exasperations has led me to write this post. That and procrastination to avoid the fact I have a seminar to prepare for (quaking in fear... us mathematicians are not used to this).

And today the issue is going to be women, or dare I say the way in which we are objectified, pressurised and downright defiled by society.

Now, before you guys out there start complaining about this and say that men get there fair share of it from women, I know. I've seen the aero advert. I'm not claiming this is the guys fault or even a one way mechanism, simply that right now I have a bone to pick on the behalf of my gender and I'm not quitting until at least one lady stops shaving her legs.

I was having a conversation with a new friend I've made in Bristol. I'd like to take a minute to say a big "howdy and hello there" as I just sent her a link (after she twisted my arm :-P). She is a pretty cool chick and I think we have a fair amount of stuff in common. One of which is anger! But I digress. The subject of muffin tops came up...

Now for those of you that don't know what these are, and I hope that you don't because by having it in your vocabulary it simply means you have been exposed more than you ought to the crapness of media, it is the bit of your belly/sides/back that overhangs trousers at the top. Like a muffin. Now I for one think they sound a lot sexier when they are known as love handles. For two, however and more importantly, I think that if the same people that write articles about muffin tops (oh yes, this is considered newsworthy) hadn't introduced trousers that were so ridiculously low slung the wearer could not bend forward without exposing herself and half of that ever so sexy not-at-all low rising thong (g-string), then the whole phenomenon would not exist!

The sad truth is though, that instead of giving the sound advice to getting rid of muffin tops - buy a pair of trousers that fit - magazines are proporting all kinds of diets and exercises plans to generate women that spend all their time, money and energies obsessing after things that are not achievable and not supposed to be. The self-esteem of the lovely ladies in society has sunken so low as a result of the impossibility of the task that they set standards for themselves that allow the less than lovely members of society to use and abuse them. Consumerism rapes their pockets, men rape their bodies and the lies of who they are suppose to be are screaming so loudly and repeatedly in their ears that there is no space for the quite truth of a woman.

The truth that I can't help believe lies in places like this: Proverbs 31. If we could all aim to live out that character I am convinced that the pain we see demonstrated in eating disorders, unwanted pregnancies, abusive relationships, control issues, low self-esteem, self-harm, psychotic bitchiness etc etc I could go on would subside; I am convinced that the world would not be able to help slackening it's grip on the hearts of the daughters of Eve.

I don't want to start a discussion about women is the church, looking at contentious arguments about jewellery, dresses, head coverings and speaking out. Not 'cause I don't want to talk about it, not at all! Just now is not the time and I have, I confess, a lot more learning and thinking and listening to do about all this stuff. I do know, however, that as I reform my ideas on what sets aside a woman of the Kingdom from women of the world, that somethings have got to change.

What? I am not yet sure. Is it sufficient to sometimes go out with hairy legs or do I need to stop mosturising too? Maybe these things have no significance if the heart attitude is changed? I do know that as long as I pay any heed to what the WAGs are doing (Wives And Girlfriends, a distressing term coined by British media to describe the horrifying iconography of the partners of footballers in all their emaciated glory) or for even one second accept as truth what the media purports as necessary or significant, I will lose sight of my WOG (I couldn't help myself!) role model and as such the whole crux of my true feminine identity.

I wish I wasn’t a punk rocker with flowers in my hair

OK I’m not. I don’t have flowers in my hair and, technically, am not really a punk rocker either.

But I sure as hell look like one.

Today, ladies and gents, is the next installment in my most major, nay famous, analogy. My hair cuts. (See here for the full hairstory.)

I have gone and gotten all controversial on 1 Corinthian 11’s ass. Which I will in due course (or not, I am aware I make empty promises when it comes to blogs and apologise. Please Matthew 18 me) be expounding on but today in not the day for biblical debates (I think that sounds more like a Tuesday thing doesn’t it?).

I no longer have face length hair. It doesn’t even cover my ears. In fact, some may argue that my whole attempt to have long locks has been somewhat marred by my decision to cut it all off to not more than 2 inches in any place.

‘Citing though, in’t it?

I have been this way since Monday. The title might suggest that I am not best please with the idea. “Getting tired of it already are you Kat(i)e?” I hear you cry. “That’s what happens when you make a whimsical decision on a bored impulse.” Should have stuck to the waiting slowly and repeatedly recolouring to bring myself into some kind of semblance of truth till I had fully grown through, maybe?

But the thing is, it was getting a bit much. Constant redying was a drain on the resources if nothing else and the effect did not really last very long ever and wasn’t always as good a match each time. It stood me in good stead for a time but the fact remains that some things are too damaged to repair and you do just need to cut off and start again.

And this does indeed fit in well with where I am at right now. Check out Ezekiel 39 (particularly vs. 12-16) and you will see my life story. As long as you can replace Israel with Kat(i)e; Gog with [insert terrors from the world here]; skeletons with assortment of left over memories, insecurities, traits, resentments, attachments etc etc and tweak a few other key phrases like bury, search party and land. The essence is there though and I am indeed 7 months on from doing some pretty big battles (in the spiritual sense) and have been, on my return, doing some major cleansing (a mixture of literal and symbolic) and burying (of people, possessions and thought patterns – metaphorically that is). The to-the-day “coincidences” have been uncanny and I have, during the week at my folks, been doing some more sorting out of actual stuff. I am cutting the crap and sometimes you just have to be drastic.

And that is what I did hairlistically speaking too. I chopped away at the ashen (as in a shade of blonde and post fire!) remains and salvaged the roots, where the true colour is at. Underneath it all I had enough new growth to make a proper style of it. Just.

And that just is what I don’t like so much. It is cool enough and faking it was hard work, but really I do want more. I want to have a bob again and be looking forward expectantly to it hitting my shoulder blades. And beyond…

But this all takes time. Patience. Waiting. At least I am back to "how I was intended". The remnants of the bleach attack are, aside from a few tiny wisps at the front, all but lost. The colour? Fabulously "ginge" ☺ Being at the start of what I know will be a long process is pretty daunting whilst not particularly pretty, but it is real. I'm getting established and am on my way.

Which also fits in with what I'm getting up to. Yesterday I was all organised, checking out about studying, organising support, paying bills, ringing the gas man, seeing the carpenter, sending off insurance papers. Today a few more errands and dealing with "household affairs". All the grown up stuff! Revolution is indeed in the air.

Jesus is my Boyfriend, how about you?

I love the biblical book Song of Songs (though do have a question about it: I thought I had made a mistake when I called it Song of Solomon t'other day but now I think actually it is a translation thing and can be either - am I right or wong?). Aside from being hilarious in parts it has become to me an excellent way of realising the 1st love over the 2nd love. You can even start reading it with the girly ideals of husbandness (which shock horror I have felt on occasion) and get to the realisation that God is the one who does all that really good wooing and fulfilling. Tis really quite special, if you can look past the mental metaphors.

As a women I do feel I can relate rather well to the idea of being the bride of Christ. Nay, in line with the apparently classic North American teenage Christian teaching, I can quite happily consider Him to be my boyfriend for now (don't get me started on where the lines are in that relationship)! But I am all preprogrammed to seek a relationship with Mr Perfect... My question is, how do men do that?

It just don't make sense

Two ideas about Christian dating that make no sense to me. Any thoughts on the topic much appreciated.

I very much have the mindset that until we are satisfied by God, being with someone else can be trying to fill the need for His relationship with other stuff. I think I have been pretty clear on this. Getting right with God is priority and then if He so wishes He will bless one with a partner.

But then there is the whole 1 Corinthian 7 point of view that says you are to be with someone IF you can't deal with the matters of singleness. Be it lust, loneliness, dependency, insecurity or other. It is like marriage is what you do when you can't deal with being alone, not when you are content in aloneness.

So it stands to reason that if you are struggling in singleness you need to come to God to deal with it so that your relationship with Him is sorted and that He gets the priority. But then, once you deal with this you no longer need to get married 'cause He is enough and Paul says it is better not to.

Oversimplification perhaps but for this maths student the idea of marriage seems, therefore, to be what we do when we can't achieve sufficient intimacy with Jesus or affinity to the Kingdom. (Boy that sounds a lot more judgemental than I mean! I apply this equally to someone that is not married yet can't help but see the appeal and certainly don't actually mean that those who are have compromised their beliefs, just that I don't get it... hence the question.) Which definitely leaves an issue when it comes to the idea of ever dating someone - "Well baby, I wanna be with you 'cause I have failed in my faith". Not really gonna cut it as a classic Christian chat up line and I don't think relationships tinged with letting God down really do that well.

And then of course one must wonder where go forth and multiply comes into it. We can't ALL adopt singleness or there would very soon be no new people at all. Not to mention the fact that I feel obliged to play a part in populating the planet given that there are so many chav babies out there...

The Anaesthesia is Wearing Off

When I got the placement in Geneva it really felt like I was being pushed out of the country. I applied 'cause it seemed like too good an opportunity to miss out on but I was comfortable in my existence, miserable though it was, and didn't actually want to go. Every stage of interview I went through I said "Yes" but only because I could not, reasonably, say “No”. I said to my mum back then that if I got offered the post I would probably do the same thing but I still spent my whole time making excuses for why it was not a good idea (they were crap by the way). As I made the phone call to refuse the offer, I remember the rainbow that I wrote about 2 posts ago and confirmed.

And so, in a moment, my life was changed.

When I went to La Suisse I took with me a lot of baggage (literally and figuratively speaking). There was a lot of unpacking that needed doing - it turned out that (metaphorically) I had gone and destroyed my heart completely and needed a transplant. At the time it was remarkable how I managed to let go so much of the past and just enjoy life again. With England in the background everything of before seemed a long way away and not at all important. With my new heart I was healed!

Yet there is a time to mourn and a time to dance. England is no longer a fuzzy memory but a very real and tangible place in which I reside. Amidst all the excitement about God giving to me everywhere that I put my foot I am realising that, though the battle is won, there are a lot of skeletons to bury.

It feels like, post-op and post-fabulous feeling of being made whole, the numbness is wearing off and with that I am aware of the tenderness around the incision.

Now, don't worry, I am not writing this in floods of tears. The main initial pain was incredibly avoided with the anaesthesia that is God's love. The new heart has been in place sufficiently long that rejection is unlikely and I still have a large number of carers to check I am stable and keep the wounds clean: Ana last night fed me the most sophisticated TV dinner known to man – stuffed trout with steamed veg, then totally let me vent to her; tonight I am off to house group with my sister and btw the leaders are North American which makes me feel strangely at home!

All of which is great 'cause while it heals I am at a higher risk of infection. For this reason I must be particularly vigilant with aftercare and staying away from major causes of disease till I am strong enough to “be a doctor” myself.

I just have to remember that the pain is part of the joy; acknowledging the past is part of the release from it. It needs to happen which is why I must neither avoid nor fear it. If I stayed in the Geneva mindset it would be akin to drug abuse, keeping anaesthetised long after appropriate and just running away. I know enough people that don’t face up to the emotional fall out of catastrophe to realise that this is the only way ahead. I don’t want to end up smacked off my head on pain killers – figuratively or not. Sometimes you just have to feel it.

But, and it is more of a huge J-Lo sized BUT, there is a huge difference with the inclusion of a new heart. My health is so much better that, while the tenderness is there, I am able to deal with the strain. Obviously it is the God aspect of that which makes a difference. I am fitter than ever before and it is sure not by my own strength.

I totally didn't realise (perhaps naïvely) that I still need to do this but I am content that it is all part of the process and that, one day, the scars will not hurt.

And so, over time, my life will yet again change.

[I didn’t write the rainbow post thinking I would write this a few days later by the way; it just seems to have fitted together as certain things have happened. Not surprising, God is cool like that.]

Bows Are Back in Fashion

I’m publishing this post and last Thurs at the same time.  That is because, lovely though it is, my little nest does not have much web action and I only have uni-based semi-reliable connections.  Today I am coming to you from chez-ma-soeur though I actually wrote it last night.  Sneaky eh?

So, while I cannot give you a run down on what church was like (as technically I have not been yet) I can give a bit of a low down on Bristol this week.

Well, it has rained a lot.  An old friend from Woodies came to stay on Friday and that was great – I think she just came down to see if it was really true.  Wonderful opportunity to connect with UK based Christians and do some pretty damn great bible study.

But it has rained a lot.  Went to see Mamma Mia! for the second time with my dear sister this evening (Sat) which is amazing and I can’t decide if I prefer Colin or Pierce (spelling?) in spandex grooving out to Waterloo.  I also enjoyed spending time with someone that I know is going to be an integral part in this next step of my journey.

It rained on the way back too.

Turns out, rain is a pretty standard part of life.  And it is indeed lifegiving – we would be screwed without it.  Sometimes, however, you can’t help but wish that there was a little less rain and a little more sparkly sunshineness.  Specially in this hilly region of the West Country.

And so comes the analogy…

Rain, like pain, is a part of life.  The sermon on the last day I was in Geneva was about accepting suffering and still finding joy.  What really stuck out was the idea that we spend so long trying to avoid sufferance that we think it is a bad thing.  But it is so clear that in suffering we come closer to God as we prove our faith (see bible to back up this statement) and for this reason should rejoice in it.  It is through the fire that we are refined.

I am a little bit worried that God is preparing me to suffer.  You know, when you hear a message a few times to the point that it becomes blogworthy?  I watched on Friday night the movie, correction: film, Shadowlands.  Story of C.S. Lewis.  It was really good, I thought.  The final fade out comment that he makes was that the pain is part of the joy; that you need to experience the two together.  Today in Hebrews, having just been absentmindedly sing “O-B-E-Y obey your Heavenly Dad…” (kids song from EBCG), we read the bit - here - that talks about Jesus learning obedience through suffering meaning, not that Jesus was disobedient before then, but that His obedience was not proven until He did it despite what He had to bear.

I must admit, it is a little bit unnerving.  I haven't exactly had to prove my obedience or test my faith. As yet.

But, one of my more fabulous favourite things of nature is the rainbow.  This is because it depicts to me in theory what it means in practice.  When I first visited Geneva, before I had even been offered the job, God showed me a rainbow in the jet and, though I was not a Christian and could not accept the symbolic significance of God’s promises, I could see clearly the idea that through the storm clouds shines a light and gives something beautiful.

[This isn't the same rainbow of that day in June 2007 (the big football is kinda a giveaway) but it is in the same place.]

And that, my friend, is exactly what the promises of God are about.  We have the dark clouds of pain and suffering, the light of God shining through (post tenebras…) and then the glory of His fulfilled promises hangs over our lives. 

So while it has rained a lot, and there are whisperings of suffering when it really does not feel like it and I really do not feel like it, I am glad that in all this Bristol has been going through a season of rainbows.

'Cause what with all the rain I have spotted a few this week... here is one that I snapped from my bedroom window t'other day:

[That's my communal garden out there... check out the washing line! Cute much?]

So yeah.  Have some good solid biblical stuff to finish off with as far as suffering and growth goes.  Check it out if you don't know what I mean: Romans 5:3-5.

Blog-down

It is the final week and though I am busy and have many other things in the agenda, I want to do a bit of a blog based count down. Making little observations everyday kinda thing. It is no doubt just classic procrastination to avoid packing and cleaning. Problem is, my blogbook (the place where I write down all the nonsensical trite that happens to me when I am not near a computer) is overflowing from just a few hours of life; and there is some AMAZING praise points which really should be included; and I already had an idea of what I wanted to write for this entry from days ago but it looks like I may not get the chance. I have, afterall, already filled a paragraph with the introduction.

Was my last day at JdeM. That is the homeless kitchen for those that don't know. I was going to summarise what I've learnt there, catch up on what actually happened with the music idea and stuffs like that. Now you will have to wait, again, 'cause even today more über-cool wicked bad shit went down.

I was reading in Joshua the other day (just the first coupla chapters and no that does not mean I have finished Genesis, I am just skipping ahead - I love that about the Bible!) about how God was going to give him every place that he set his foot. Pretty acebloodytastic stuff in beaucoup trop ways and I would encourage you to dwell ont 'cause I probably won't be spending time exegesing it. Anyways this portion, combined with a friend that has been encouraging me to pray for what lies ahead and claiming it for my own before I get there, plus the fact that at the end of the chapter 2 it talks about the people melting in fear because God will conquer, got me really excited about the idea of seeing Him moving in places where He is not yet and the power of praying for it and seeing it happen. So, during a lull at the kitchen (mid-morning we tend to have a bit of a wait period and I am disadvantaged in the standing around smoking and gossiping stakes on several fronts) I decided to walk all around and pray for the place and the people there and those coming in and for the future that there would be God in da house and a way made for it and all that jazz. Yes it came across as a shuffling mutter but they see that quite a lot there. I was really excited by the idea, particularly in light of some of the progress that I had already seen in the attitudes of the people that worked there (which I am yet to mention but it did happen and was cool). Wanted to see the people's issues left at the door and not picked up again. I was quite up for believing that it would be an effective thing to make a difference - I think that I am such a prime example of prayer working that my propensity to doubt is not as high as my propensity to other things... as Robyn and I were taking about over dinner though, this just leaves more room for other propensities.

Anyways, did I see results? Did I ever! Not exactly what I was expecting mind. It was like the Tracy Chapman song - poor people were rising up and taking what was theirs. There was a new woman working there who had not had the weeks of prayer that had gone down, way back when the last grumpy cow was in charge (no offense intended, just the best description going) and she was overwhelmingly opposed to anyone being, well, happy. The thing in Geneva is that the poor aren't nearly as poor as in other places and half of what we give them is not food so much as a brief place to be and find some love. They got none of that from her and, while they can lack friendliness at times, never have I seen anyone refusing seconds to hungry street walkers when there is plenty there and it is normal policy. It was like she was fighting against joy. Pretty damn stressful actually and it occurred to me that, while I was subject to her direction, God clearly says only follow the law of the land when it does not go against His - and His says clearly in Isaiah 58 (as well as many other places I am sure) about feeding the hungry. Was I Supposed to rebel? I was, after all, holding the spoon... and it was my last day. With a lot of pressure from those talkin' bout a revolution and bit of feeble eventual arguing from me (I like to claim language barrier as an excuse but it doesn't really graduate to reason), she finally gave in a bit for a time, though stayed firmly in the misery camp (the rubbish alternative to the glory camp). Really felt like a "things have been stirred up" situation. If that makes sense. Was cool to watch in a horrifying manner mind, and would defo have made a good music vid for Trace.

Talking about being able (or not) to do pretty awesome/intense stuff in the name of following God's commands: a not very close friend of mine (some guy I met through the reggae crew) that I have in the past had some pretty interesting chats with (where I try not to be judgmental over him putting veganism above sexual purity) totally blew me away today. I have been getting really excited with his coming to church and really getting into God stuff and hearing about breakthroughs in his life. It is really cool actually but I have been awakened to the patronisation of my attitude - it didn't take long to go from new and open to set in ways and condescending did it? Amidst all this "I want to see you coming into God's way like I have" he tells me - when I finally noticed the 5 inch gash down the side of his face and asked about it - that it happened when he brought back a guy from the park to sleep at his place 'cause he had nowhere else to go. The dude attacked him with a knife from his own kitchen! And now he is all Jamaican and relaxed about it and joking about how the next person he meets in the park will just have to stay there! I would be a bit more pissed and a lot more martyr than that.

People really surprise you don't they?

Progress

When homeless people first started giving me their mobile numbers I got really confused. Talk about 'modern times' when you have a phone but not a bed... But then it made sense to me. How else are they to plan their social life? I mean, it's not like they can have a landline is it.

Blur said that modern life is rubbish. I'm not sure I concur with that; BGB would not be here were it not for the internet... but still, we are a bit too dependent aren't we? T'other day (OK, this was about three months ago and would have been blog no.3 were I to have gotten around to talking about it then) I was on my way home from Darryl's when I realised I did not have my phone. I managed a good 30 seconds without it but as soon as I noticed life stopped. Telling the others to go on without me while I go back to pick it up, I was suddenly alone; stranded in the island that is 'nophone'. This turned from an irrational insecurity to a real problem as I realised that the trusty door code (best kept secret in Geneva) was stored in my mobile so I never had to worry about forgetting/remembering it. My backup would normally be to call from downstairs - not gonna happen was it?

So there I was: standing in the dark street at about 11pm at night, shouting up 4 floors in the vain hope that Darryl will hear me through an open window (even though he normally shuts them to keep the noise of the busy street out). Is that how people used to do it in the olden days?

Aside: I had a friend once without a mobile (or 'cell'); but she got one about a month ago. Then the other day I got got a phone call, she rang me on it just to see how: she'd only ever done texting (sms-ing) and hadn't a clue! Some people take longer, but eventually even she has become caught up in the technology bug...

But when it comes down to it, was it the 'old methods' that helped me? Not at all! I realised after a few minutes (of looking mental) that I had my laptop with me (I had been blogging in Starbucks before YAGs) so I just sat on the step, fired it up and checked my downloaded mail inbox. It was technological progress that that had saved the day, not looking back.

I like to think that if God can answer prayers using a computer He can't despise technology that much (wow, this post did not start out as Amish bashing!). I had asked Robyn to take my laptop home for me and then last minute decided not to bother; thus my desperate prayer outside Mike Wong's was fulfilled 5 minutes prior in front of Kafé Deko. But then, time and space not really a problem for Him are they?

On the way out I managed to fall down the stairs whist holding my computer, I think this is less the fault of technology and more flip flops on stone steps. I do that *quite* a lot... I am still, it seems, subject to the laws of gravity and friction. Damn it. My reaction to the situation was frustration and angst (anyone who saw my Facebook status that night would testify to that fact...!). Not something I am feeling nearly so much these days. But then, as the song goes, "Little by little, everyday..."

So, really, progress is all right by me. And, just for the hell of it, let's chuck in a biblical reference! Not wanting to akin myself to a tanned goatskin with the legs and tail cut off, I am very much enjoying the new wine. (Have I taken a reference and completely altered the meaning? Do tell me if so. I am, after all, only a month and 10 days old and still very much learning...)

À la prochaine!