Bah Humbug

I am such a boring old fart. I've had it with Christmas parties. Everyone pretending it is going to be amazing when really it is just hyped up normal time but with people more uncomfortable, stressed, with silly expectations and sore feet. Don't get me wrong, all 4 of the ones I've been to so far have been enjoyable (went to a Ceilidh tonight!)... but it's hard work to keep merry for that long and I usually want to be at home curled up on the sofa with a cup of tea.

I really am old before my time. But it is difficult. I go to uni with people who are all at least 2 years younger than me and I already feel older than I am most of the time (I keep accidentally lying about my age). I hate being a student. I hate the stereotype and the funny hours and the lack of respect and the way people assume you like to stay up late and get wasted. I don't. I like to stay up late and write my blog and if I do drink alcohol I almost always want to fall asleep afterwards.

I still love learning. I have that to be thankful for. Today I had an exam worth 25% of my French unit and, while there are loads of things that weren't amazing and the listening was chronic, I was a bit prepared. And all because I did work! Which sounds pathetic and I don't want to self curse but I do find work very very hard to concentrate on. But today, in the space of about 5.5 hours I did I'd say at least 2.5 worth. Mixed up with chilling and eating and showering and playing the piano and all other good stuff. OK it sounds ridiculous but for me that was a miracle and a sign, a HUGE sign, that God is actually working in my life.

My second presentation last week was another one. The first I did before visiting La Suisse and I was grateful I managed to do anything (I had been so scared it wouldn't work out and I would lose all faith in God). The second one I genuinely believed that He would be there and He was. I remember saying to myself that this was not going to be fun but it was going to happen... and it did! And it went quite OK too - got a few laughs and that's what philosophy of maths is about afterall... I actually feel more faithful. I think.

What am I even talking about? There are two points me thinks. I am amazed and delighted that my work is starting to turn a corner. I am a boring Scrooge today that has lost her Christmas cheer and feels in limbo.

But I must remember what dear Jo said to me tonight. It was about my hair. She has wonderful long locks that I want badly but she said that sometimes she just wants to be short and choppy and crazy. That I need to get it out on my system now so that when I have it long I won't pine for the funky times. Transferring that to the analogy and fit it together with some of the other disconnected thoughts I've been having recently and I suppose one could say I need to live young, free and single while it lasts. Enjoy the journey, enjoy the crazy funky cool mystery that is not really knowing what is going on and be fresh while I still am (given that I am not actually physically that old comparatively and definitely not spiritually). I don't really know how much longer the hair will be short anyway. Could be weeks, could be years. Better make the most of it! Spike it up a bit and don't force the parting before it is really there...

I am just hoping I can do these things from the comfort of my own living room.

P.S. My blogging is off form at the moment. Sorry. Don't give up, I've got some good 'uns up my sleeve... Laters.

Get Over It

My boiler is playing up. Which is basically resulting in no heating and lukewarm showers. And winter is coming. And it is colder here than in Geneva so I can attribute a slight shock of return as well.

So I have been struggling gallantly through. I still shower as often as ever, I just shiver a lot more and complain and tell myself it is all for a good lesson and some people have it a lot harder this time of year. Then I sit around grumpy 'cause I haven't warmed up yet and spend lots of time on facebook. I discovered I have two extra hours before my seminar, so why not waste them too?

I didn't even think about praying for hot water. That would be too easy. Yet I also didn't take seriously my thought that it was cold so I can learn empathy (*incidentally* something I have prayed for recently 'cause I am quite good at "being autistic" and not noticing other people - I realised this lately when a friend was sharing a prayer request and I was like "Kat(i)e duh they've said this before but you really didn't process did you?" then cut across the next person to add my own request in!).

So the plan is to actually pray for my boiler. Then, if it stays cold to stop my grumpy act. I really haven't got a leg to stand on when it comes to being unfortunate and I have more than enough jumpers to get me through. We in The West (not the South West mind but the Western world) wash too much anyway - it's consumerism and all their ploys for shiny hair, supple skin, nice nails and a perfect complexion.

Kneel to Jesus. Two fingers to The Man.

(I didn't publish that post yet did I? I have more to say about 'The Man', watch this space...)

Christian Hell Hole

On Monday I went to dinner at one of my new friends flats (grammar?). I very much buy into the New Testament model of faith related meal provision, particularly when it involves 3 courses. When I first went to GVA I joined a church to meet people obliged to be friendly that wouldn’t try and sleep with me. I achieved both and called them my “wholesome” friends. Now I’m back in BRS some of the people I have reconnected with are those that I met in the pub over Christmas. They hold somewhat different views to my Swiss crew; thus, for the sake of continuity (and ‘cause it makes me smile) I shall refer to them as my “unwholesome” friends.

One of the things we discussed was the university residence that their flatmate used to live in. This particular one is called ‘Clifton Hill House’ but, due to the dominating number of Christians (get in there), it got rechristened ‘Christian Hell Hole’. Apparently they would do things like give away toasties whilst inviting them to Alpha courses.

The irony of the name, combined with the cheesiness (literally and in reference to stereotyped behaviour) of the gesture amused me. As did the following comment:

“Why would I become a Christian. They’d only stop bringing me toasties… AND then I’d have to make them for other people?!”

Woah. Talk about profound.

I used to be the toastie receiver. Just to clarify: a toastie is a grilled cheese sandwich. And I am being metaphorical. Before I went to Geneva I lived in the roof of a church with a load of other students, most of who were, inevitably, Christian. I KNEW about the whole reaching out thing. The church would put on free BBQs for freshers and all year long we would get leftovers sent upstairs from various other events. I seldom had to do food shopping. Also, a lot of my flatmates had this whole “I’ve got to be a good witness thing going on” and I can’t lie, it is nice to be surround by people that are consciously making an effort to be friendly.

Then of course going to Switzerland and looking for friends: you can’t go wrong turning up at a church and saying I don’t believe in this but I want to hang out with you and I will listen. People were falling over themselves to spend time with me – not least when I started showing signs of cracking – live conversions would be such a hit on the God channel.

Ok, I do exaggerate a *little*. However, the premise remains that I am batting for the other side now. Which in turns means that I have to go out and make the toastie. Or, failing that, the BBQ. Or, failing that, the excessive niceness. It really must be worth it.

Today (Tuesday but what with the no internet yet I am blogging in advance.) I woke up in a terrible mood. I have a tendency to react quite strongly to lots of activity, by getting really fatigued and 'low mooded' and as such have to be careful not to follow my natural 'go go go go STOP' model. I had overdone it slightly by staying out till 4 am at aforementioned dinner party (OMGoodness you have to watch 'Big Stan'. If you can get past the gay rape premise you will LOVE it. It’s got the feel good factor of Sister Act. Well, some of you may love it, Carolyn definitely won’t ;-)) having been away all weekend visiting and making music in the South. So on Monday I was starting to go and by Tuesday really wasn’t in a good place. Physically, conversationally, compassionately... it was all a big no no.

Or no no no no STOP. Stop letting things get in my way and hold me back from living life and serving God. See I have found that when you don't want to do anything, the last thing you should do it nothing. I started writing this post before I left the house and, well, with strength I would not have had before, I actually went out and got involved. (Which by the way is AMAZING and such fantastic encouragement given the trepidation with which I begin a year of high demands.) This day that meant helping with the welcome BBQ at the church I used to live in. Alongside the people I used to take advantage of and argue with!

So I gave out the proverbial toasties (which is not a grilled cheese sandwich with proverbs hidden inside fortune cookie stylee though how AMAZING would that be?!), made a conscious effort to care and found that I really did. With a hell of a lot of energy! I was reminded of exactly why I changed sides. And it felt good.

After all, everybody is a slave to someone. Why make friends with the ones that have toasties when you can be friends with the One that provided the toasties in the first place – unlimited supply.

10 Things I Hate About [insert just about anything here right now]

I am in a bit of a shit mood. Thus I shall fulfill the venting element of my relationship with BGB.

For starters, I just knocked two really pretty expensive (well, one did not cost a lot but it is worth a lot I just know how to shop well; note also that price is relative and I am a student!) delicate beaded dresses on top of a really pretty dried (not dead) 'strawberry blonde' rose, thus endangering the two and destroying the latter which by the way was the last one of a really pretty bunch given to me on my birthday.

Plus I am really tired even though I slept 12 hours last night. I feel like I never really woke up properly today and thus am worrying that I am foreseeing a difficult recovery from the past week and will inevitably be hurtled into busy life again before I am ready to be, which in turn will result in the crazy scary mean Kat(i)e who does not live in the full glory of God but stumbles through in the dark and doesn't even know how to get back to light. I have too much to do this week to not be OK for it!

The weather just turned cold and none of my jeans fit me anymore :-(

I am losing my voice which is making speaking and singing and well, all kinds of communication, impossible/very hard, painful and tiring.

I made lots of bad choices today resulting in feeling like nothing was productive, everything took longer than it should, I ate too much crap, spent too much money and interacted poorly with people I didn't know. Leaving me feeling like a spazzock and that I wasted a day that was supposed to be really cool (just 'cause days are these days) but wasn't.

The biggest bummer is that at the time I wasn't even able to see what was wrong and only realised everything too late which means that it couldn't have been any different anyways. I don't quite know where I went wrong as I was trying to rest and thought I had done so but my brain is not functioning properly implying that I haven't. Maybe I didn't stop soon enough and so it will take a while to get back to top form but I am a little bit worried that I never will and being fuzzy in the head is not a very nice feeling when you are supposed to be processing things.

All in all I am pissed off 'cause yesterday life rocked and now things have changed so quickly, without anything specific actually being wrong even. I suppose that being tired and sick and confused will do that to oneself but it just sucks that I can lose track of joy when it was so very profound.

In good things I found another suitcase in the street, which will come in handy when my friends come over and take back stuff for me. But it is not leopard print so it doesn't really count for much more than neutral.

I feel like a bit of a bitch to everyone I hung out with today! I'm not saying you were a waste of time, just me that's all. Hopefully there will be progress before the YAGs BBQ/pool party tomorrow else I will be a sulky cow and probably have a hissy fit. Could be interesting but not ideal.

On that note bed calls...

P.S. For those who thought "raised to the ground" was a strange phrase actually it is not. The word is "razed" and it originates in latin - think erase. You might still think it's strange but at least you can spell it now!

She was looking kinda dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an "L" on her forehead

I don't like how fabulously enthusiastic my blog has gotten. For goodness sake, I must be coming across as a mental soft head going on about Jesus like all my problems are solved and the world is made of sunshine and flowers. Well, it's not true and I can't deceive you anymore. Even Kat(i)e gets pissed off and today I want to tell you about that.

The first annoying thing is that I had a 'fabulous' thought on the bus about this blog and I forgot it. I can remember that it was definitely AMAZING but can I recall what it was? No.

The second annoying thing is that I don't have the right to be annoyed. I had a great day, saw and spoke to loads of lovely friends, went to the ILO for lunch(!), had wonderful conversations all about the future and hope and faith and empowerment and all sorts of stuff; work was even cool and I felt like I was almost making a difference. On top of that this past week rocked out and I had lots of encouragement and drive and passion and vision and what not. Great stuff. Then, suddenly, no.

I suppose sometimes it just gets too much. When God is great but He is not in your face it is easy to focus on the world and let Him get blurry in the background. That doesn't have to take very long, we're not talking years or weeks or days, I am vulnerable enough that even after a couple of hours of despondence or laziness; a stupid rom com (they are definitely emotional pornography); a song on the radio or a bad Facebook moment, I am all about humanity and it's failed promises. It's so easy for stuff like that to get you down and make you feel worth less than you are with a big fat "L" plastered across your face. Or angry with a big fat fist plastered across someone else's. Or possibly a combo of the both.

Oh happy day, I remembered! Let's reference it back to Screwtape shall we. Natural undulations leave us going up and down (I like to see it as having a sinusoidal spirit) making it feel sometimes like things have gone bad when really it is just the seasons of life. In this knowledge however, the downs do not have the power to keep us from the wonderful state that is a relationship with God - who by the way is always true to his promises. Do not despair, recall Ecclesiastes and remember too that one day perfect we will be.

[I am also annoyed by how sickly sweet this entry has gone and gotten when all I wanted was to moan :-S]