SIN

The dirty word.

We all talk about it, we all do it (well I think so) and in a lot of the circles I move we all feel bad about it (eventually anyway)...

But what is it?

It could be easy to say that at some point in the church's history the human element took over and tried to control the world, money, politics etc by the power of guilt. In a sense this is fairly true. I've been getting involved with Agapé a bit this term. One of my flatmates before I lived in GVA worked for them and when I got back it suddenly fitted incredibly well with, well, with me. I have this darling friend who works for them called Grace and she took me out last week evangelising with her...! Yes, it is as mental as it sounds. Basically, three times a week they make a point of each going out into coffee shops and approaching people to talk to them about God. They get all kinds of reactions but one of the main aims is to ensure that they themselves stay a bit out of their comfort zone... I loved it. Well, I mean the scariness of "the approach" aside I really enjoy talking to strangers and having something to do it about is pretty fun (as long as I'm not feeling insecure 'cause obviously the coin would be somewhat flipped then). What is my point with this? Other than how good a Christian I am...? We spoke for over an hour to 4 student girls who all basically think that the church judges too harshly, that the pope is crap (I'm not going to start an interdenominational riot - Satan would bloody love that), that Christianity condemns them for things they really don't see as bad and that it just isn't right that people who don't commit horrific crimes should go to hell. The postulated idea was to have an atheists room for anyone that missed the point with God but weren't evil.

And I found myself apologising for the way they have percieved Christ. Taking some kind of responsibility for Christianity that got it wrong, were corrupt, didn't make it clear and allowed this to become a common view in culture today. Even this afternoon I was thinking about how sad it is that one of my "jobs" as a Christian is to try and undo the damage that "The Church" has done in it's past.

But you know what? I am fed up of this. I don't want to keep apologising for how "We" got it wrong. Human error aside, pure corruption acknowledged, the vast amount of Christians over history have been very sincere and were acting within their own social context. Why should I stress about people feeling condemned when they are??

Yes. This is my judgement post. You think I've been bad before, you ain't seen nothing yet. All over the world Christian's and non-alike (I am sad to confess) are being really really rubbish. Then, to top it all off, they are pretending that it is OK. THEN, just because it isn't bad enough they turn around to the laws of God and the people that try and follow them and have a go for condemnation.

WE DESERVE CONDEMNATION.

Think about it. If God is this purely loving being that wants to see the whole world alight with joy and fullfillment in him then you tell me that even just in your own personal relationships you treat the people you care about with proper love all the time and never slag them off or get annoyed or act selfishly or anything like that... you would be lying. We don't even have to call it God, we can see it as the "goodness in humanity" or some "power" or "greater force". I know TONS of people that think 'friends and family' are the thing that life is about. That is, Relationships. That is, Love. Well, for me that is what I call God. Yet anyone that sees life as having purpose greater than physical wealth still messes up in the pursuits of these "important" things.

Then of course there is the bigger picture. Beyond selfish behaviour and broken relationships we live in a consumer driven lifestyle that is destroying the planet and the most vulnerable people on it. Be it high street shops that use all-too-cheap cheap labour in India to unfairly traded chocolate that uses child slaves that have been stolen or bought on the Cote d'Ivoire. There's been a recent campaign which involves having fondue parties to raise awareness of this issues, I went to my third last night(!) and it takes this much to force me to change one thing on a list of hundreds I do that don't love this planet and these people like I theoretically want to. And I am begrudging as I have to give up Oreos. AND my first reaction was that it is a marketing ploy to sell more "Fairtrade" products. I am a BAD person.

Not one of us is guilt free.

Not one of us can justifying saying to the most perfect source of life and love on this planet (whoever He/She/They/It may be) that we deserve to go to a room for mediocre people because we didn't really see what we do wrong up close and personal and it wasn't that extreme. There is no ratio between 0-bad and a-little-bit-bad. If you had to fit into one category and the choice was perfect or imperfect which would you be?

I think it's high time we stopped telling people that the church doesn't condemn them. I personally condemn each and every member of society and think it's high time they stopped the apathy and started condemning themselves.

Maybe then people will GET why Jesus is so bloody important.

Don't Be Happy For Me

It’s kinda hard for anyone to miss the fact that my life has changed. Ask anyone that knew me before I went to Geneva, before I found Jesus, before the light, and they will say that I am a hell of a lot happier. Well, they may not say “hell”, that would depend on who’s talking; and the word happier is a very deceptive one because it conveys more of an instantaneous emotion and doesn’t necessarily suggest depth. They tend to mean content, satisfied, a changed state of mind, I see it a bit like what the Ancient Greeks called eudaimonia and were all searching for (I like the wiki "human flourishing"). Anyway, the simple truth of it is that they have seen the Joy I found. Joy that supersedes the instantaneous emotions and drastically changes my outlook (I hope the verses don't seem too tenuous. I can't go into explaining them all now, this is just background). Joy that gives me strength. Joy, evidence of The Spirit, that brings me back to life.

I used to be angry. I used to be miserable. I used to make decisions that did not value me and would treat other people with equal disappreciation. I was selfish and yet had no self-respect. I used to get demotivated very easily, struggle a great deal to even get up in the morning and I hated switching my mind on in case the thoughts were too much to deal with. I spent all my cognitive energies on obsessive behaviour and would get caught up in depression with no way out. I used to scare people. I used to be scared by people. I used to scare myself. I had bought into the lies of the world to a terrifying degree and had a very inappropriate sense of humour. Most of these things have changed…! I still wear silly clothes a lot of the time and don't always quite know when to stop but, meh, you got to be true to yourself. I am a lot more grateful for everything now and let’s not forget the joy.

You know what? People have actually noticed. I’m not saying I have been giving a great testimony all the time, I’ve made some pretty major mistakes already and struggle with always conveying the truth of which I am not at all proud. Yet even with all this, close friends, old acquaintances even departmental secretaries see it.

But let me tell you what pisses me off. When people say “I’m really happy for you.”

OK, if you’re a Christian I think you can get away with it. Though perhaps, again with the “happy”, that’s a bit of an instantaneous and easily quashed emotion. My favourite reaction was from an old flatmate who said I should have a party when I got back. I liked that one – a ‘Kat(i)e Got Saved’ party with the tag line “because the angels are doing it”. It’s a bit fat rejoicement.

But if you’re not a Christian then why, in heaven or on earth, would you be glad? Don’t you see, I haven’t found something that “works for me”. I am single minded in my belief that what I have found is the truth and that if you are not in agreement you must, quite simply, be wrong.

I don’t judge you (will save that for if you become one of "us") but seriously, isn’t it the most patronising thing you ever heard that I pray for you and care to see you find the same thing. But it is clearly explicit in the Bible that Jesus is THE ONLY WAY and if I tell you I’m a Christian I am saying I believe this very thing: I am right you are wrong and I can’t be persuaded to compromise. I won’t always ram it down your throat but I can’t help having it as a very predominant silent thought most of the time. Unless I’m in a bitchy mood then surely that’s even worse – that I stop caring?

I’m not actually trying to persuade you to stop being friends with me now that I am crazy. I just want you to realise that being happy for me is stupid – what I have found only truly works for me if it works for everyone, so either I am deluded and you ought to be worried for me or I am right and you ought to be worried for yourself.

Eternity

Infinity comes in all different sizes. How many of you know that?

But to me eternity is a good example of infinity - the infinite reach of time which is the same "size" as the natural numbers. That is, countable. What about the uncountable sets and all kinds of things to do with cardinality that I don't really remember? Are there different sizes of eternity?

I don't know right now, not really giving this much depth of thought - an old dear friend, from whom I had what now feels like a really petty split several years ago, just got in touch with me having read BGB (on reference from a mutual friend) so I'm kinda distracted by the idea of reconciliations and the aceness of forgiveness and all that it brings.

What a waste of time not doing so has been. Yet, I suppose with the rest of eternity at our disposal (no matter what size it may be) we can more than make up for the finite loss of a few years.

Caught Out

David is on the way back to Wien and foolishly of me he knows I wrote a blog about him last week. (Confusion over fact I wrote one last month whilst there... I am not very good at hiding facial reactions.) The point is, the 'man hunt' story is sadly off and I am just hoping he will take it with the pinch of salt it was intended when he reads it. You'll have to email me privately to find out how the reconciliation is going! ;-)

I think it's OK really, he's pretty cool and I reckon the jokey intent will not be overlooked. Dave, I swear it was only meant to be ironic, the fact that I did spend all afternoon apparently trying to 'save' you was just the result of my standard self-obsession!

It was fun to have him stay, even though it rained like a bitch. [Note that we prayed for it to stop and by the time we were at Cinelac (open air cinema by the lake) it was clear and lovely with all those cool clouds and none of the water falling from them. See David, it does work!] That was an interesting experience, the cinema I mean, an utterly beautiful evening and locality and we watch "Before the Devil Knows You're Dead". If you like films with great casting and acting and an interesting plot-line sure go for it; if you want to leave the cinema with the hope of ever being happy again I would suggest seeing "Kung Fu Panda". Well, I haven't actually seen that but I can only hope that it would be slightly less depressing that the experience which started with disturbing graphic sex and ended with filicide. Nice. That said, it was a well made production.

Back to the word 'save'. Well, I was talking to a friend t'other day and we agreed that we do not like it; pas du tout. Can't speak for him as to why but I for one find it patronising to the extreme. I mean, I know that conceptually it is deeply biblical (and cool) but the contextual use nowadays seems all too often to be an "I am better than you who knows nothing and needs desperately to be rescued from your pitiful existence" judgment. You know what I mean? Anyway, maybe I am falling into a trap whereby I don't like words which are meaningful 'cause I am afraid of how they are taken but I prefer 'Reconciliation' and will be using that for the time being unless I am challenged otherwise. It just seems more descriptive of the relational aspect of finding God rather than the condemnation.

In other news, I finally got some sleep! Went a straight 12 hours last night and nothing 'busy' planned till Wednesday now. I really needed it. At least I acknowledged the fact and as I got tireder over the weekend stopped (a bit) and expected less of myself. Turns out God was in control and even though I didn't think too much about what I had to get done, it all worked out. That was nice.

Sometimes I'm not confident that things will work out but they do every time and as it starts to happen I always end up saying to myself "well what else did you expect? This is life now." Like on Friday eve when a group of 9 of us arranged to go for dinner somewhere without booking and when I turned up, there was no table available (obviously). It was panic mode 'cause everyone was en route and I was responsible for the whole affair; yet, I did not stress I just said "God, we need this sorted out fast, please" and 3 mins later we had somewhere in the same type of restaurant on the same street. Noone would even know! That may seem silly but I just think that God has even the details like that in hand. He wants us to be happy and blessed and not living a crappy existence. His plan is both small and big, Specially Relative as it were - each of my days are in His hands but I have a hugely exciting bigger picture too! It's a comforting feeling that, when I am living under His will, I'll never really get 'Caught Out'.

Friday was a great day. Lots of 'now things', that were even more fabulous than table reservations, being worked out (well, what else could I expect) as well as some exciting forward thinking and general rerealised gratitude for life. I drafted a post at the time but am yet to publish; keep an eye out but prepare to feel queasy!