My Second Love

I just read a post from Darryl's blog - about a Henri Nouwen video we watched t'other week at YAGs. Don't worry, I seldom actually visit TYC. I read it on Facebook so he doesn't get my hits...

Anyways. It was a really inspiring video and reading that post reminded me of what I had gotten from it, not to mention the pretty cool realisation I made after, so I though I would share. Some of you may know all too well what I am talking about and for others it will be nice and vague - the vagueness is sufficient for the example and, if you do understand all too well, I don't suppose it matters.

When I went to Paris in October and watched the Rugby World Cup final I had a pretty fun time. There's a few legendary stories - see here for example - but the real clincher for me now, I must admit, is the way in which God spoke to me. [This comment reminds me of the thing Sara said t'other day about what my parties are likely to turn into. A recent incident that only confirms the journey of my reputation down the plughole was when my visiting friends wanted to watch one of the infinite sky channels on my ginormous TV that I seldom-to-never watch. They switched it on and it was showing The God Channel... saaaaaaaad.]

Getting off the tangent. God talked to me there about love and how we need to love each other and ourselves and that all love comes from Him and it is His love that we are ultimately seeking. There is more to this I know, about loving God back for example (see Darryl's post - I am trying to move away from the competitiveness a little now it's an official grace killer. If it's on the list I MUST obey...) but at the time I was in a place (spiritually that is) where I didn't know what I believed and could not really understand the idea of loving God, let alone all that Christian jazz. So He gave me some survival tips and a real experience of His love for me. All this hapened in Paris, the City of Love, speaking the Language of Love and in the Sacré Coeur (sacred heart). The symbolism was not lost on me and it felt like I was having a romantic weekend away with God.

Anyway. The thing from Henri? Well if you are a regular reader (one of 4) you may have noticed that one of the things I have been learning about is God being my first priority, not letting man distract from Him and making sure that I put my trust and hope and love into Him. It's taken me a while since Paris, I still have a long way to go and He has made it pretty clear that until I can be wholly into that there is not going to be space for anyone else on my life. We're talking about boyfriends in case you hadn't picked up on that. When I was traveling in June I did a lot of learning about this (there was a pretty cool analogy, that I wrote about here, from Budapest). Henri phrased it in a fabulous way: "God is your First Love and man (relationships of all kinds) is your second. If you look in your second love for what you can only find in your First then you will crash." (That's not a direct quote but its close.)

I already knew this but it was good to be reminded and hear someone else put it so well. Then, when we were in the tea shop after YAGs (it gets worse and worse, we used to go to the pub), talking ont I realised sommat cool as an extra.

Here goes with the necessary personal detail. When I was in Budapest I was inadvertently a bit preoccupied with a certain "second love". God was pretty clear to me on what He thought (I realised a little too late) but these things can take over and, well, the days that followed were pretty chocka of visuals and lessons which I made some mention of at the time but did not give all the context. Now you have it you can reread through new eyes (which you will of course now do...).

God really speaks to me when I travel. Symbolism is cool and I love how using different cities He says different things. I can't wait to work out the significance of Bristol...

Geneva's easy: the motto is "post tenebras lux" - after the darkness, the light; Paris: city of love; Budapest? Well, people call it the Paris of Eastern Europe and at the time I could not help but think 'oooh, this is the encouraging love symbol for the certain preoccupation'. Eh Eh. (supposed to be a sound effect from a quiz show, did it work?) That Tuesday 2 weeks back I suddenly realised....

...Budapest does represent the preoccupation (I think from now on whenever I fancy someone I will refer to them as my preoccupation!), just not how I was looking at it. The Second City of Love, or perhaps rather City of Second Love by it's very name is akin to what M Nouwen described. It also has a real history of violence and corruption - the damaging potential of human love. It is love but it is the kind Henri warns of: not perfect, certainly not enough and with the propensity to go horribly wrong if that is where you are storing your treasure.

Now for the thing that was OVERWHELMING cool, as I was sitting in Kafé Deko talking myself hoarse: check out what I bought in the second hand shop in Budapest...

(It's mirror image but I can't flip it)

Even looking for the wrong type of love, in the city of the wrong type of love, I found (as God so graciously revealed Himself) perfect Parisian Love to take away with me - in the shape of a very cool retro compact mirror. It may have taken a while to realise but I was carrying it around all along.

Ooh ooh ooh! Last thought. If the sunglasses I lost (see this to understand) are the second love, they give a tinted view of the world. The mirror, the First Love, reflects a perfect image of who I am. There has to be something deep in that. I can't believe I'm now glad I lost them! Lol... too true...

Sorry it's such a long message. I just though that those that appreciate this kind of thing probably like the details too. That and I can't help myself!

Grace Killers

I was going to write this Monday, then I started another post and got waylaid. Then I was finishing that today when it hit me - if I wrote this first it could be a series...! Don't we all like series?

Anyway. After my questions that originated in the last post I heard a really cool sermon (was going to put a link in to hear it online but it has not been uploaded yet), did some really good chatting with people that cleared up my insecurities some and got a bit of lovely encouragement too, quite unrelated to blog. That was nice. I think maybe, as one person facebooked (as in the verb 'to facebook') me after reading, I have to be able to see the things that are important to keep hold of and let go of the rest. I am trying to put love for others and myself as priority (equally if that is poss), as that is one thing He defo told me (in Paris no less), and hope that it covers all the bases.

I love how stereotypical it is to go to church and get all recharged with what you need to hear; but at the same time it does make sense. I don't mean the whole, go all week without God and get a hit on Sunday to get you through the start of the next week thing, but I do think that fellowship really keeps you battling onwards and as such: yay for mid-week meetings! Anyway, off the point.

The point is, what I got from the sermon made for something cool to share and if I mention it now I can refer back to it in future blogs. T'was about Grace. T'was all good. My fave bit, which I will serialise if I can find examples of all the failings in my own life (shouldn't be too hard!) was the list of grace killers - things that stop you from bring able to "grow" grace in your own life. They are pretty useful so I'll tell you them:
- Traditionalism
- Unrealistic Expectations
- Rules Mentality
- Negativity
- Critical Spirit
- Control Mentality
- Perfectionism
- Competitiveness (oooops!)
- Pettiness

So. They all pretty much jumped out at me but the last one was relevant to the whole 'what to change?' question. As far as pettiness goes, if others are being petty, don't return it with pettiness. If you are holding onto something petty in yourself at the expense of showing love, let it go. That is not me telling you, I'm talking to myself in the third person. Since I wrote last time about identity and what to hold onto, I've found this a pretty helpful reference to know what not to be like.

Oh, something hilarious to share. Well, I thought it was funny. I was talking about hoping to have a small 'party' this week and someone said "I know what a party at Kat(i)e's is going to be like, it'll probably turn into a prayer meeting!" I am not boasting about holiness, I am laughing at the irony of it all. Actually, let's just venture off into praise corner for a minute. They said this last night (Tues) and it was after I had lead the YAGs meeting on 'Praise is a Powerful Weapon'. Which is true and don't forget it and I may well put the notes up here as a way to save writing a post one day. Anyway. Point is, once upon a time (and you may think this is a bad thing) a party at Kat(i)e's would have been far from reputed to turn into a prayer meeting. Now, I want to make it clear that I am super cool and my parties are great fun (even if the last one I had involved scones) but still, talk about a direction change, eh?

So. Lots of things that kill grace. One thing that builds us up. Praise lots, nitpick less.

See you next time for a mention about Unrealistic Expectations; or else something about how I am going to win the blog off if it kills me! (Did you get the joke I made there...?!?)