The End Is Nigh II

I already have a post called 'The End Is Nigh'. I don't know what that was about... I suppose it just goes to show I am melodramatic.

I am about to embark on the last proper night of sleep I will have before this 4pm deadline on Friday is met. All the washing up is done, ready for me to just do what I need to do unhindered in the kitchen department. I can't be sure but I reckon this will be the last post I write until then.

Which means that this is a turning point. Next time you hear from me I will be one of two things:
1) A person with 1/6 of her degree completed
2) A person with a problem
The plan is that either one of these things could be God's will for my life, to draw me closer to Him and bring about His Kingdom on earth, and so I want the one that happens to that one. The secret plan is that I want it to be number 1) but I'm not supposed to be presumptuous! Either way, no problem is too big or too small for God to gladly help out with.

Hmmmm. I confess I am afraid. I am praying that this won't continue, so that should deal with that hopefully. I am also praying that I won't feel the need to "capture my final moments" through the medium of song. Or choreography (I have started dancing recently but this is one thing that definitely does not aspire to leave my living via the interweb!). Or anything else at all that could be a "worthy" alternative to being that person with 1/6 of a degree (or in this context a person that hasn't wasted the opportunity to have a whole degree). Yeah, God, confidence and uncreativity is what I want. Please. If that's alright.

I'm also trying to claim Daniel's education in my prayer life. I can't really compare this to be thrown to the lions but I am drinking a lot of water and I got my vegetable box delivered on Monday so we live on a similar diet.

But it is time for bed. So I bid you so long, farewell and that I will see you on the other side. I really could not say what is going to happen next. I enter a foggy place where possibilty and impossibility are undetermined and divine intervention potential but unspecified. I have no strong sense that all will come together, neither that it won't. I just pray that through this ominous mist I will know God's support and love so much that the worth of every painful stumbling shuffle forward will be fully apparent.

Happy Love Day!

I wasn't going to do it but the opportunity for a Valentine's post was just too much!

I have this male friend who likes to send Valentine cards to his girly friends every year. I think he just thinks we would like it. He texted me earlier this week to see if I was still cool with it. The way he asked really quite annoyed me: the friendly (and that is all there is to it) suggestion was that in my "prettiness" (wasn't even about my all-round fabulousness, grrrrrr) I shouldn't not get one. I turned it down as politely as I could.

Where to begin?! Shallowness aside and ignoring the assumption that I wasn't going to receive any otherwise (I get the irony that I am bothered by this!), I have to say that I really do take offense to the idea that a girl's (nay person's) worth is measurable by whether someone sends them a [fake] sentiment on a predestined occasion! A crappy festival where most of the messages in cards these days are rude or suggestive and almost all the motivation is consumer driven. I can't believe how much people will spend to try and impress their partners at the time of year when everything is more expensive (I used to work in a florist, it is shocking) and any gesture made is more than likely to be mass produced.

I'm trying not to sound bitter at being alone on Valentine's Day. I'm really not, singleness is something I sometimes struggle with (though the idea of not being is often a lot more scary!) but today of all days I am glad to be out of that mess. I can take my moral high ground without having to worry about being chuffed at what my boyfriend does for me, or being narked if it isn't original enough, or being shocked by how much he spent, or quietly disappointed that he didn't think I was worth more...! It is a right ole mess. Even if you decide together to not buy into it I reckon the pressure from couples around you whispering that you aren't as "in love" as they are would be a bit of a bind.

Awww. Poor cynical Kat(i)e. I want to see the good in these things, I really do. But the stock's been out since straight after Christmas, we are in the middle of a credit crisis (though granted that is old news and people don't want it to spoil their "fun") and too many people are in relationships that are stop gaps because they are lonely and afraid of not getting a Valentines... what is with this "love" culture..? 'Cause then of course you end up with a load of broken hearts and baggage and fear and old cards with cheap sentiments that people won't throw away or accept that it wasn't never that good but even if it was it's over now; and all this gets fed round the cycle again into more fragile even less sincere relationships with increasingly vulnerable and damaged people. Oh the sadness.

I've been reading Stuff Christians Like, which I do sometimes and it can be pretty good. They had this "share about being dumped" post which was quite interesting (though several of people's comments were either far too open or still bitter. I, of course, found just the right balance...!). One girl said that her boyfriend told her that God told him to give her up like Abraham did with Isaac. He actually drove her off in his car somewhere quite remote to do it - I'd have gotten out screaming! The thing with that though is I don't really think that God would say: "I'm asking you to give Sally (random name) up so that when you show you are willing to I will give her straight back to you." Duh. He was wrong in the end, they didn't have a reconciliation and give birth to a nation. Probably for the best, brains like that.

I bet everyone has at least one crappy relationship story. Mostly best unshared, nay unremembered. I tell you, there are a lot of reasons to be glad for singleness! Bring on the convent...

Though perhaps I've bought too strongly into this stance of independence and it all seems a little too much like the fear I described above. Having started to take my lead from nuns these days it's quite ironic, don'tcha think, that my all time favourite one chucked it in for a bloke: "Climb Every Mountain!"

A little too soon to be worrying that I am heading toward self-inflicted spinsterhood, me thinks. Still, gotta love it when a running theme follows to it's logical conclusion and bites you on the bum! ;-)

Inspired by a Fictional Nun

New developments in the never ending saga that is my Philosophy essay (my, what a boring saga that is) are underway so I suppose I had better fill you in on where things got left off, a week ago tonight, when I realised that despite all the hope in the world I was not going to get it done... I'm finally sharing the relevant parts of the post I wrote last weekend before I went slightly awol and had to wait till I was back in the game so it wasn't false enthusiasm. Here goes:

Jean Jacques Rousseau may have had ADHD but I bet he didn't have deadlines

Ok. A side note. I am starting think that my attitude of "I can't but it's OK 'cause God can" may have been slightly self-defeating and perhaps not the most helpful. Not allowing for the idea that God's input might come from who I've already been created as, instead of all success arriving in an external miraculous bang. I was so sure that CBT is science's discovery of faith, I forgot I can still have faith in myself. Not in myself to be great objectively but in myself as made in the image of a clever, creative God. So I will take that and move ahead with a different outlook, thanks to some good chats with my mum. Believing in God doesn't mean I should stop believing in me, I am after all a subset (part of the body of Christ) and therefore the first implies the second!

But that lesson is a part of what God has been doing and so I can't regret not applying it sooner. I must simply look at what has come to pass and learn from it... and this seems to be one of many things to learn.

As it stands I have an extension till next Friday (20th) and many thanks for the support from my university. My tutor told me weeks ago that Jean Jacques Rousseau (bit of a fave of mine and from Geneva don'tcha know!) had ADHD and he just managed it with working on loads of things at once... when it went a bit tits up I said to him that thing what I wrote above and he totally agreed and has been really helpful. I have an ace doctor and everyone seems to want to facilitate my "special needs" so that, even though I do hate it, at least I can get over myself and ask for help.

It has been pretty irritating that I am still in this place. Still not secure in my ability to succeed, still not being able to socialise freely (though I have some amazingly support friends and family so that is cool), still under pressure. Still totally dependent...

But I have come to the conclusion that that is where God wants me. Indeed, this whole "I'd rather not, but..." attitude is *quite* silly I realise. If it is what God is doing then absolutely it is the best place to be so I have got to stop begrudgingly accepting those things that I would not choose for myself as some kind of self-sacrificing act. His purpose being worked out is the only sensible option to seek and to be anything other than totally grateful is a bit ridiculous... especially as the occurrence of things you would tend to avoid must be when God has specially put them in place to make sure they happen, meaning He is making a specific personal effort in our lives so that we get what we need. Ergo, thanks for everything!

So actually, last Thursday night life was alright. I won't say I was amazing and had complete integrity, I had a big moment where I panicked and despaired and was grateful for a wise sister to speak truths into my life, but I then found this miraculous peace and the joy I had spoken of earlier that day. Which was not me. That is, it didn't come from within.

The reason I say that is 'cause I have been in this place before. As I alluded to, the semi-diagnosis of ADHD has been no surprise because every year since I can remember, whenever "deadline time" came round, my world would fall apart. It's the reason I failed at uni my first first year, then had minor breakdowns the next two years, then took a gap year (where my world was rocked!) to take a breather. I have so many memories of "night before" 's even from before my GCSE's (school at age 14-16): that feeling of panic, despair, resolution, apathy. I had all these techniques (one of my favourites being clothes shopping in ASDA at midnight) for escape or distraction. It became the scariest thing in the world as time slowly brings round the moment where you know it is all on the line and you almost certainly can't make it better. I had so much fear in being a student and having to face this. I love the idea of academia but I just stopped being able to cope with attainment.

So coming back to uni, finally with clarity about why this happens and "fortunately" with a new found faith, I knew what I had to do was trust in God. Trust Him to find me treatment, trust Him to be my treatment, trust (this was a whisper but was never a truly considerable fact) that if I failed it would be the right thing. When I had my first presentation that required me to read and understand this really difficult subject I felt like if it didn't happen all my faith would die, because I knew I was so dependent on His help - it just about came together. The second time I knew it would be horrible but that it would happen and I could feel how my faith was growing. (I have this great analogy to do with my broken shower. If I never end up giving it then do ask me in person.) This essay at the end of the course became the crux of the issue. Those tiny other things all building up to this big moment where all my hope is pinned on Him and how knowing Him changes my life: from failure and despair to success and delight.

And I couldn't do it. Not even a bit, the bottom fell out of my point leaving me with no hope of reformulating my essay over night. I don't understand anything else in this course at all so this was the only hope for... AND, the amazing part is, I was glad.

In the run up to Friday I was learning A LOT. In particular seeing how my faith did not depend on finite, here and now successes, 'cause the really important stuff is the eternal. It went through my mind as I wrote about this then that actually, perhaps the only was I would know this to be true is if I could experience it. Don't tell me I sabotaged myself, believe me I was all about closure on this baby, but I can SO see how God knew this would be right for me. For one thing, now I know for a fact that my faith is bigger than what my degree has thus far chucked at me. This is a milestone in intimacy and security with God. This is truly astounding!

'Cause knowing Him does change my life. It change the very definition of failure and it wipes out capacity for distress. This is where peace that passes understanding comes from. Following Jesus isn't about life going better; sometimes it's even worse (caged animals don't get hunted). It's about what is important being so utterly altered that in the face of anything horrible, joy can flow. Only one thing we know cannot be touched by the world but that is the only thing that matters anyway - our way to God and the relationship that is enabled because of that.

I think that God is picking off my fears one at at time. To steal an ideal from Mother Superior in 'The Sound of Music' (for which I will not apologise), you cannot escape your fears by running away (back to the Abbey). Even if you run to God, you can't then expect everything to no longer be there, you have to face them. So, like Maria with Captain Von Trapp, I see that God has been doing just that in me. He isn't always going to be our hiding place. There as a refuge, we must then take the strength He gives that enables us to face our fear, so that it can never again have a hold, no matter how dangerous our surroundings.

I used to be afraid of rejection, so I had to experience it in my post-tenebras era (I didn't even intend to put myself on the line... I suppose that was the point!); I hated the idea of performing in public in case I sucked, so when I did, I did! (the Halloween gig, I'm not exaggerating it was *quite* a disaster but it didn't actually matter!); I dreaded disappointment so it just kept coming 'til I realised that I have hope in more important things... now I stare failure in the face and I don't even flinch. Well, not at this minute anyway. I don't suppose I am done with as yet! The point is, though, that these things may seem scary and like nothing has changed but because I am different they don't have the same effect, the power is taken away.

So I can look back at those times, see what it was God has done, and be actually grateful. As my friend Jenny points out, maybe I am sometimes just analysing too much and need to wait till I get a complete perspective from the vantage point of being further up the road. (She didn't say it exactly like that but poetic license...!) It is true. I now get what was happening then, I feel like I may understand what happened last Thursday night, I have no idea what will possibly be the net result of this whole affair (nay my life!) but I can rest assured that it will be totally the best thing 'cause that is what God promised.

So I am setting myself against "I'd rather not, but..." 's, not because I think that it is possible for me to achieve that amazing holy status by making the decision to, but because I haven't actually got a clue what my alternatives really are and I don't want to begrudge, even for a moment, what amazing progress God has in store... I mean look at Maria: she married a rich, sexy captain who could sing!

Early Morning Retract (that lacks symmetric syntax)

I've gone really afraid and despondent. No real reason to share except that I would feel a hypocrite to go to bed with the last post being the last thing I said, now all this fear and apathy and worry is looming in.

Like I say, not really achieving anything in this post except a statement of fact. But I suppose 'tis the way with high points, the only way on is down. Classic "fact before feeling" theology must apply and I reckon I can acknowledge the emotional rollercoaster effect combined with fatigue and choose to draw a line, go to bed (actually do it this time) and "hope" (not the same hope as before but perhaps derivative thereof) that tomorrow things will work out. For now anyway.

Funny how quick that can happen... Meh.

Nice to be in Geneva, 'Citing!

[I wrote this on Tuesday... there is a part II to come...]

I was talking to my mum yday and she observed that I had not actually written anything in my blog about the weekend retreat that I came to Geneva for... this is not because it was rubbish, far from it, I just didn't know quite what to share. A brief overview would be that I was TOTALLY full of joy and learned a lot about prayer - a main point I came away with being that righteousness is a key factor in the effectiveness thereoff... which is cool and given my name means pure not entirely unexciting (your name being the first prophetic thing to be said over your life!).

So that was great and I had a lovely time with friends - writing music, playing music, catching up on what has seemed a VERY long 2 months, celebrating my 5 month rebirthday, playing silly word games, eating fondu etc etc etc

And then yday I was like "What to do with this week?".

I came back for 10 days because I wanted to do the retreat and church and as I could not decided between the two went for the both. Midweek there is YAGs, music practise, pub quiz and, well, other good opps to catch up with friends... but it was basically looking like a bit of an empty time (albeit a chance to work). Not so now...

Last night at the quiz a coupla us were moved to offer to pray for our friend the quiz master/'ents coordinator at this main English speaking pub in Geneva called Pickwick's. Having been limping all night and clearly in a lot of pain, well, it just seemed right. She was well up for it, until she interpreted correctly what we had said... whereupon she refused. Well acknowledged as her right! However, realising that what she had heard was pLay for her we were like "what do you mean Yes?!" Before we knew it she had offered us the warm up slot for the band playing on Friday at Halloween!!!!!

So, we have a gig, all we need now is to be a band. As all involved are total music geeks we simply can't say no to this opportunity, even if we end up being dreadful. I comfort myself that I don't live here anymore so it doesn't really matter but I am still full of too much nervous energy to sleep and am feeling far too sick to eat a thing.

Another element in play is that we need to be dressed up. I think that is the thing scaring our otherwise far too gifted pianist... drummer boy just doesn't want to have to lug his kit around... my spitfire on guitar feigns nerves but is awesome and has done this before and then there's me... Arggggghhh!

But yet this is a total blessing and excitement and, I kid you not, sitting there in the pub about an hour before it came up I was thinking that the one thing I regretted about last year was not taking the opportunity to do a gig there. What is it with God answering prayers we don't even speak out? It's like He's saying "I love you and just want to bless you for the sake of it".

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stop The Press

I was going to write about a fun time had with rafting today (though I am now publishing on Sunday as I never got round to finishing the post). First day back in Geneva and I went off on some rapids going at it hardcore and even swimming down a mini-waterfall. Cool or what!

But then something even more amazing happened... I lost my virginity!! Shock value is to be attributed to Robyn, you know what that saucy minx is like. Today was the first time I ever drove a car on the 'wrong' side of the road. Actually it was the right side but it definitely felt strange.

Kudos to be attributed to Beautiful Brian for being so muchos generous and trusting of me with his mega beast of a car. (Though I did later find out he is already scheduled in for a paint job in two weeks!) We were having a BBQ and had shamefully forgotten the marshmallows so he the darling that he is said I could take his car to the Intermarché down the road. I did a roundabout and everything!! And I know that other people were happy for me 'cause I got all kinds of lovely encouraging beeps ;-)

Yeah, first time on the other side; first time in years in an automatic (you may think it's easier but when you are using the break as a clutch...); first time in 6 months that I have even been on the road and all this in a giant 4x4 machine. Good thing I prayed!

The rafting was excellent as well and yet another new experience. As was the dins afterwards: I tried the North America treat smorges (sp??) which takes the classic melted mallow and sandwiches it between Graham Crackers and then adds chocolate. Those Yanks sure like to take things to a new level... Also, beforehand me and the Mr/Mrs went to the international school fair (kurmesse) and set up a stall for her peace building work - I got to do hand printing!! We had a whole judo class dressed in white join in, so yet more risk taking...

Taking risks. It is fun and the results are all the better for it, since you would never have the win if you didn't make the gamble. I have not really mentioned my time in Zurich yet, simply cause I have been 'quite' busy, but I learned a lot there not least about the idea of healing. I know God can do it and I am quite excited to think that maybe 'one day' I will see it first hand in a really real way but well, why not make one day today?

Miracles in general are a tricky thing since, let's face it, they don't always happen the way we ask. I mean take healing: the Bible says ask and it shall be given; it also says that God wants to see people made well and Jesus certainly never picked and chose. So when you look at 'failed prayers' there is a lot of space for potential hurt and confusion. And one of the reasons is that the issue of insufficient faith get bandied about. Well, I asked the guy at the meeting and he was pretty cool about it. He said that Yes, faith is integral but in so many ways. The faith of the receiver, the prayer, even other people around can all be seen in different bible stories (lady who bled, when the disciples prayed, the friends of the guy who got lowered...) but lack of faith is not sufficient to get in the way of healing if God so desires.
"What if some did not have faith? Will their lack of faith nullify God's faithfulness? Not at all!" (Romans 3: 3&4a)
So I think that attaching blame or judgment to those that do not see healing just isn't on.

Because the thing is, we can never understand what God is doing in the bigger picture. There is a difference between getting to know God better and getting to know God and He will always surprise us if he wants to. (Aside: I was saying today that in the past two weeks I had been 'wise' twice! A 'good friend' turns round and says to me that maybe my spiritual gift is Surprise! Meanie. Not totally biblical but totally funny as an idea of what that gift might look like... Back to God...)

One of the key things about the whole question though does seem to be boldness. We need to be able to ask God and be prepared for bad answers, no answers, rejection and foolish appearances. (On the subject of foolish appearances I was sitting on the train from Zurich to GVA yesterday and had a lovely seat: quiet carriage and space to even put my feet up and rest on the table. Then the ticket man comes along and I had even learnt to have my demi-tariff ready. Not sufficient. He looks at it then at me and sternly points out that I was in 1st class. Whoops! I had not meant to at all, it was one of those double decker trains and I didn't know they did classes. Nothing is worse than packing up and realising for the first time that everyone around was really posh and must have been looking at me dodge the whole way; then walking through all the other carriages with people clearly knowing why you were moving; and then arriving in 2nd class to realise that the reason the guard didn't trust you was 'cause it was choca block with soldiers and football fans and they all saw me looking for a seat with 3 bags in tow and probably also knew that I had been, how shall we say it, dislodged? Good thing I don't have to be ashamed anymore isn't it! Back to God...)

But it is hard not to feel foolish or indeed afraid of being let down. That is where the risk taking comes in. Sometime asking God for a miracle is the biggest risk of all because your faith has the potential to be damaged or nullified if the results are not what you hoped.

For example...

I was trying to unscrew a really tight bit on an easel today and it would not budge. So, I thought: let's pray. If God can release demons He sure can loosen bolts. I was totally confident in this new exciting idea of the miraculous and yet it was not moving. Bit deflating actually 'cause even though I am aware that you can't assume God would answer just so, in a way I was like "why not?" Doesn't He wants to help and bless us and is generally the King of the Universe...?

Anyway, we get on with the problem solving and two minutes later I realise that that bolt did not need undoing. In fact, it was holding a large part of the construction together...! I can truly see now that that prayer was not one to be answered.

But what would have happened if there was not this saving factor of a reason? How could I have reconciled that unanswered prayer? Well, maybe the thing is that there always is - a reason that is. Somewhere God has underlying purpose, we just need to be aware that we cannot always understand it. There are constructions that are harder to figure out than the mechanical design of an easel.

So, risk taking is scary. And I think more so with God than in the physical world (unless the physical world involves being fully dependent on God to be your own personal ski instructor! I will not go on another tangent today though...) as there you can see the full extent of the outcomes and have a rough idea of what you are working with. But, with that step of boldness comes huge rewards and so given the screw was not a complete let down maybe next time I will try for sommat else...

Sorry about the length of the post. Everyone that reaches the end gets a Gold Star!