Intermacy

There's been a recent craze that has spread like wildfire across Facebook called '25 Things'. For those of you that don't fb, this involves writing a note of any random 25 things about yourself that other people may not know (or want to know) and then tagging 25 friends in it who are to read, "enjoy", then pass it on... doing it about themselves and including the person that originally tagged them in some kind of "get to know your friends better" fest. It's like chainmail but you publish it to your profile for the whole world to see.

As you may well imagine, I love this kind of thing. I have such a penchant for getting "real" and down to the "nitty gritty" with people that the opportunity to share and receive sharing back was just perfect. I was dead excited when I got the chance to do it and my 25th thing was even:
"25. We are not supposed to function alone and I think community and deep meaningful relationships are where it is at!"
My point was that to get real with people is the only way that relationships can ever be more than superficial and empty. I stand by this.

Of course not that many people I tagged actually tagged me back. I can understand that not everyone has the time, can be bothered or wants to be pushed into deeper friendships on demand. I get it and am not too bothered as the medium of Facebook is hardly reflective of real life and the efforts we make with our proper friends (as opposed to "friends" as found on Facebook) is the truly important thing.

But the thing that this phenomenon accentuated was the desire that people have to get intimate, even in this unnatural environment. Like, perhaps a little too real. Sharing for all the world to see (not just your friends but anyone that your friends know too) the sometime amusing but all too often cringeworthy details of their lives. It really sorts people into try hard, comedian, philosopher, procrastinator, attention seeker, regular joe, boring... I don't actually have a cohesive list of genres like in a US high school... just postulating a few. It seems that the world over, in all sorts of formats, we want to be noticed and appreciated and loved - to the point that we will put a little piece of our souls on the internet and be judged and adored in various proportions.

And this is just a little too close to home for me. For a few weeks now (you may have noticed) I have been feeling a bit of dis-ease at the one-sided nature of my blog relationship. It was like BGB became my significant other as far as intimacy levels go, but I try and try to get real with "him" and all I get back is pretty colours and an outdated picture coming up the same every time I press publish. It was taking from me but I was not getting the necessary return. I do have friends here in Bristol to share with but for some reason Baby, with all our history, is familiar to me. So I poured out more than a little piece of my soul on the internet and, as with all those people on Facebook, I suddenly began to see that I was being judged and adored in inestimable proportions by actually real people. Not just a blogspot domain name.

The root of this issue, I came to see, is in the fact that I am generically pro-honesty. I don't see the point in ever not trying to be totally real and I don't like it when relationships are superficial. I wanted to share the truth of my life and sure, of course I choose what I share and there will always be gaps or secrets, but on the whole my top priority was letting the truth speak. So I rushed in, as always, putting out all these raw emotions as I felt them so that I had integrity and so that I could write about things that not everyone would even admit to. I suppose I half-consciously decided that there was intrinsic worth in doing this because being genuine is always the most important thing. Then suddenly, months down the line I sit down and finally assess... and I feel so utterly utterly vulnerable.

For it suddenly hit me, way after I could have possibly contained myself, that I had not kept anything back. Something extra for me and a carefully chosen few. I felt like an emotional slut. Some people put themselves out in the world offering everything up to all and sundry on and plate in the hope that someone will come along and make them feel special. Tell them they have worth. Give them the affirmation they crave. And, as with a physical slut, you know that people will use and abuse and take what they give but the incentive to feed back into them is gone. They have nothing left to offer so why would you make the effort? More than that, who really wants to be with the village bike?

I'm not saying that I actually feel like people who read my blog are taking advantage of me. Just that I feel so exposed, my heart reaction is as though that is so. Now, I hardly get enough readers to truly worry, and people do occasionally make contact about stuff I post, but it is not really about the facts of the situation. Not so much about what people are or aren't thinking or what they take from me but that I just let it happen without any prior consideration at all. I suppose more than anything I question my motivation for the vulnerability, rather than how people receive it... for girls that let it all hang out on a Friday night are in a sense inviting men to disrespect them (not assault them mind, so not going there).

Basically, I had a reality check. It's not that I regret the honesty per se, just that I haven't considered what it means for me both with regards to my own emotional safety and why I even do it at all. Another way in which I had a wake up call was when, after a succession of essay related stati through last Thursday night, an old school friend of my sister sent me a message of encouragement because she had noticed me on her newsfeed updates. Entirely lovely of her and I don't mind the sentiment in the slightest but how is it that someone I used to annoy at breaktime over a decade ago could even know what is going on with me now? What does this say about me? Translate that into the general diagnosis for people that do '25 Things' and it is clear I have the worst case going of Internet Intimacy; or Intermacy as I have coined it.

I'd see people exposing themselves in part on Facebook and raise an eyebrow yet I suddenly realised I have crafted it so that huge chunks of detailed text about my whole life are on public view. I don't need this, I really don't. There are plenty of real people around to invest my time and emotions into; ones that can invest back and not leave me feeling like a tapped resource.

So this lent I am not just giving up swearing. Starting tomorrow I'm saying goodbye to blogging, status updates and any other form of blogosphere or Facebook exposure. If I want to be in touch with my friends I can meet with them, talk to them, even email or write them... but I will not do it so that the whole world can watch on. It seems I've become addicted to the artificial attention and why do I even care what other people think anyway? The only one who's opinion matters is always watching... and He doesn't get the honed, edited version of events.

I could be back after Easter. If so it will be with a better sense of what I do and don't deem an acceptable level of intermacy. It is hard, there is so much I still want to write but to do so would require the context of my reality and the payoff of that risk is one I have not yet weighed up. I am losing two of my favourite things in one foul swoop... this is going to be tough... but it should be good too.

Who knows who I'll be when I come back. If I come back. For now this xkcd comic rather sums up the next leg of this journey. Enjoy it and I may or may not see you around...

http://www.xkcd.com/77/

To Eat or not To Eat, that is the question...

Fasting: this is really good to do. I have had amazing success in fasting for the purpose of seeing breakthrough in prayer. I have had amazing connections with God and hearing His still small voice. I have also had absolutely awful experiences, some when my attitude has been wrong, some when it has been right and I don't know why.

I was fasting through Advent and treating it like a Lent period for me. I thought it was a really good idea. Thing is I am trying to pray for different people every day like and really want good cheer and hope to be spread through this season and be for life, not just for Christmas. So my advent calender is a list of 24 different people and I decided to do a fast until Christmas eve.

I especially thought it was a good idea given that Christmas is a season for lack of self-control and I notoriously have this (as I have shared before) and want to work on it in all areas of my life. So I figured showing discipline in eating is a good way to go about it and would bring me closer to God in this season and deal with something that sometimes gets in the way.

How is fasting for me? Some people say it is about being hungry so they remember to pray. I get that, I do it, but it isn't the main thing. I think the best way I understood fasting was that by not giving in to you fleshly demands of hunger you can somehow get out of this physical mindset and be in a place that can get closer to God by tapping into your spiritual side more. I know that's vague and feel free to correct or expand or whatever...

So anyway, when a friend was doing a lunch fast on the 1st December it just felt right to do it too. Then to carry it on till the 24th... Right?

The thing I hate about humanity is fickleness. How can we be so sure of what we want or what we think we have to do one minute and then the next be completely confused by how wrong it suddenly seems. I get so much comfort out of knowing that at least God gets me 'cause so much of the time I really don't!

First day it was great. Second day I was like, OK, there is a difference between enduring hunger and being too weak to concentrate on my studies. Plus I was not eating day time but getting to the evening and being really really hungry so having big dinners; and also thinking "I need energy for the day so I'll have a big breakfast". Which ended up looking like it had the potential to become a binge-starve-binge sandwich (or not!) and defo not what it was all about. I have a tendency to do things to extremes but I knew this was not good so I decided on day 3 that, though it had been really successful it was not prolong-able, and I would have a fast involving disciplined regular meals and being really strict with myself. Lol, you'll love this, I told my friend in an email:

"I am now doing a 'no snacking or seconds or unneccesarily eating etc' fast as it was starting to feel a bit legalistic."

Now, am I right or am I right that this statement epitomises legalism?!

No snacks, seconds, cake, treats, fun... friends, pleasures, comfort, central heating, nice clothes... hell I should just go live in a cave and pray.

That drove me mad. Suddenly I wasn't even sure when I was allowed to eat. I didn't know if my hunger was hunger or if it was seeking comfort or gratuitous pleasure in food. It felt like I was damned if I do and damned if I don't. I didn't think about it much till after I got my presentation finished on the 4th day [Thank God so much I got that done - it was pushed to the far edge of available time but my ability to eventually concentrate was nothing short of miraculous and it feels like God is growing my faith in such things by leaving me wholly dependent on Him to help me.] but then, suddenly, I was like "What now?". Can I have half an hour of peace, maybe a nice lunch, before I get into the discipline? Am I allowed a biscuit with my tea if I'm still hungry or is it only dry bread? Argggggghhhh! I was tired, I was stressed, nothing was right because legalism vs consumerism is not a pretty fight and so I went to bed till my sister came round after work. Granted I needed it after an early start and 5 hours straight of Philosophy of Maths (!) but going to sleep to avoid dilemmas is probably not what Jesus what have done.

So where am I now? Apart from extremely grateful that C could step up and be wise and supportive and helpful when I needed it? Living each day in God and not forcing a thing I suppose. Remembering that He said really clearly there is no condemnation. I suppose my rule (which is something I've heard and heard and heard and not absorbed then suddenly it just became real to me) for how to live an "extreme" (nay any) spiritual life is:

Only do what I want to do and learn to love God more so that my desires reflect His heart. Then it should all be easy.

Easy is as easy does. Anything's easy if He is our strength (some verses in Isaiah, 2 Corinthians, Matthew). I can't even have a cup of tea without.