Disclaimer - I'm too tired to write coherently or concisely but it's now or never...
I just had the best Sunday. Went to a baptism in the morning, after which we had this really great party with lots of good food, sunshine, singsongs, dancing and all lovely stuff like that. The ceremony itself just had so much joy - four people took the plunge and each had such a special story. I know no-one's testimony is better or worse, each a magic part of kingdom history, but this one guy stood up there and told us about his life full of addiction and violence and total shit and said he gave his life to Jesus two weeks ago... It had been a bit more of a journey than that but the crux is that he said for the first time he now had a hope and that the darkness of it all had been broken by this light he never knew even possible. I suppose the thing about those really stark stories is that they can represent in a graphic image the reality of freedom that we all (can) have with Jesus. Darkness doesn't have to be obvious or even apparent in anyway to take a hold of a life and chain it all up. Loving the reminder. (Also loving the way I was sitting at the front right behind one of the baptisees who stood up and pulled down his jeans in front of me...! He was wearing shorts under but it was still *quite* unexpected.)
Talking about darkness... (and being in shock!)
I didn't make my deadline on Friday.
After a night of utter frustration, during which I was stupidly (nay miraculously) OK and able to keep afloat and I suppose jog on some (not running, that is too hardcore), I got to midday before I decided it wasn't possible anymore and I should prob go tell someone. But I'd kept at it till then, willing it to work. Crying out at times to take it all away (secretly hoping I would get hit by a car on my walk just enough that I could stop but not so bad it would hurt or have any long term detriment!) but then embracing the need to try and do my bit even if it didn't work out, so I felt like I had done all I could. At which point it still didn't work out.
How did that feel? Second time round, so sure, so joyful, so adamant that it would be a testimony to God's faithfulness like when Daniel went in that old den and Darius was dead impressed by the lack of death-by-lion. I didn't feel like my faith depended on it so much, more that those friends who saw me be so carefree and chilled would be a bit unimpressed if my God didn't rescue me. I wanted Him to work a specific miracle for what I thought it would be good for and I had set out very particular guidelines for how God should be honoured in this situation.
But I realise: it really isn't up to me to tell him how to roll. Actually, maybe this wasn't about God doing something that would impress all those people who I'd seen the day before but about what honour I personally could give to him. Maybe he wanted my affections in the dark situation rather than to "win people over" which, let's face it, He can do however He likes. There is a pretty sweet song by Ishmael - you must know him - which goes like this:
I praise the Lord when the sun comes out, but I won't if it get's too hot
I praise the Lord when it rains a little, but not if it rains a lot
I praise the Lord when things go my way, but I won't when the going is tough
I praise the Lord when I've plenty of cash, but I won't when I aint got enough
Obviously sarcastic. Brilliant. Friday I had to let go of the let down, relinquish the fear that I was going to fail, and just go with it and still trust. I don't like saying this 'cause I don't want to appear proud but at the same time I am delighted at the way in which depending on God drew me close enough to Him that when it turned sour it wasn't about giving up but about somehow trying to praise through it. Though I won't pretend it wasn't horrible and really gutting too at times and just utter emotional sleep deprived turmoil. Another song ('cause everyone else says it better) by another legend Graham K sums it up:
For the joys and for the sorrows, the best and worst of times
For this moment for tomorrow, for all that lies behind
Fears that crowd around me, for the failures of my plans
For the dreams of all I hope to be, the truth of what I am
For this I have Jesus (repeat 2.5 times for emphasis!)
My point? I don't know if it will ever get easy to give up on my plans... especially when this alternative involves continued pressure and an absolute lack of idea about the coming months and how I will possibly deal with further deadlines and exams and, well, life. But really when it comes down to it all these things will pass away and so once again I must look at the things that will not. He is the only thing.
I figure that if I did what I could and this still happened then it must the right thing, ergo be glad. I suppose that is the difference that the light makes: chases the dark out of situations so they haven't got the power to ensnare and destroy.
Don't get me wrong. I hate it a lot. Friday sucked ass and did threaten to break me. I hate not being free, I hate the stress and the excuses and the way in which I have to be needy and "special" and I wish I could see my friends freely and get involved in the homeless shelter (I'm not being holy, I like it there) and everything else I want to do. There's no point pretending life is amazing right now 'cause that will only devalue it all when it is amazing, but it is alright nonetheless. After all, there's a time to enjoy and a time to endure; a time to play and a time to work. But I don't mind the shit 'cause truly it does bring me closer to Jesus and I am by no means perfect but I ain't gonna lie, I am improving.
Being refined, duh, it is not going to be nice or quick or pain free and messless. But it is going to be incredible and as these deep foundations get laid and a seed is planted at the bottom of them a house can be built that will have fruit growing all around it (I like mixing my metaphors) and then it will be like a gingerbread cottage but instead of tempting and dangerous and far too indulgent it will be healthy and good and the right kind of natural sugars.
So walk, plod, run, crawl, skip, jog, shuffle, trudge, dance on. Which ever it is, as it gets me through the fire, I know I will not be burned.
Showing posts with label Struggles. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Struggles. Show all posts
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Amazing Grace
I was thinking yesterday, in one of my motivational moments, some stuff which I was refusing to blog about 'cause I needed to just start applying it... but I am less motivated to work right now so maybe writing it out will rekindle the passion!
I've been getting myself all churned up about if I am messing up God's plan. Like, He has got a really cool escape route mapped out so that I can miraculously be alright in this situation, meet my deadline and get the grade... but I am being an idiot and sitting around waiting for it to happen instead of just writing.
Now, granted some people probably think I am right about that and actually I should just get on with my essay instead of blogging but, even though I doubt it will make a difference to their opinion, I want to state that I genuinely struggle with concentration A LOT. I'm in the middle of being diagnosed with ADHD but the referral is weeks away (I do love the NHS) with all methods other than medication taking far too long to effect change before Friday. A friend asked me if I thought I might be using it as an excuse but actually I really just see it more as an explanation for how my life has always been...
We can talk more about all that some other time. It's been a bit of a journey for me and something I haven't shared partly 'cause of the stigma and this being the internet, partly the not actually having an answer yet. It gives a girl a lot to think about, studying being the least important in comparison to things like social interaction, relationships, identity, healing(?). But I'll leave those stuffs for another time, today I just wanted to vindicate my struggles a little and lay it out on a plate.
So yeah. I don't really know what I can actually do, but I look at a page/screen and panic. I love to write and I have all these ideas and when it is a short piece I can eventually organise it and hone it and make it flow... I know exactly what I want to say and within limitations I can do that. But 5,000 words with a lot of technical details and referencing is a whole other ball game and my perfectionism doesn't know where to begin. Yet surely in this I am messing up every chance that God has to rescue me? I have to do *something*.
Yet again, duh, I am prompted to recall that GOD IS SOVEREIGN. He doesn't actually need me to do anything. In fact, HE LIKES IT WHEN I AM WEAK SO HE CAN SHOW ME HE'S STRONG. How am I supposed to remember my dependency if I am always capable? How am I supposed to get that He loves me if He never has the chance to show me?
Yet again I was being legalistic, thinking I have to reach some kind of threshold of effort before He meets me halfway. If anything of this world depended on what we humans did, well... we kinda see what that looks like don't we? Life is impossible for a reason. Failure imminent without intervention, that we may recognise intervention for what it is and receive it gladly in the shape of True Love.
It takes the flavour out of grace for me to think that what I do matters at all. God reached out to man and made a way (Jesus) and I tell myself that He can only see His plans come through if I work for it? Crazy fool.
So I'm in the library, giving what I can but not giving a damn if what I have isn't enough. It isn't. I read another person's blog this morning. Don't do that much but this guy seems good and I like the sound of his ideals (I say that vaguely 'cause I only know them vaguely!). The article linked above really spoke to me and in case you don't feel like reading someone else on your coffee break I'll sum up the relevant part.
It is looking at the story of David and Goliath and how so many people interpret it: little weak person overcomes some big, scary, technically impossible to beat, "Giant" in their life. Miraculous empowerment of man. He then (and this is the bit that made me go "Oh yeah, duh!") instead describes it thus:
We are little Israelites standing round shitting ourselves with the Philestines surrounding us, doomed. Then a seemingly insignificant and weak nobody steps out from the midst of us and saves us from an impossible Giant so that we can surge forward with a shout, enemy defeated! Miraculous empowerment for man. The analogy here is, of course, Jesus.
How naïve, nay arrogant, to think that we are David when really Jesus is? David didn't need the army of scared and foolish soldiers behind him, he did if for the army so that they would not die.
All that said, an essay is not eternal life and just 'cause I am guaranteed of the second does not mean that the first will come to pass. I cannot claim that in hope I know the full extent of the mind of God and I must remember that my certainty of grace is in the eternal sense and that here and now, finitely, we cannot comprehend the full applications of infinity. That is to say, grace acted out on earth doesn't always look like a gift as we know it (also coming in the shape of lessons, refinement, rebuke etc) and I must be wary that this coursework does not become a "what have you done for me lately" scenario with my idea of grace being pined onto something so subjective.
God likes blessing me and wants the best for me, I can hope assuredly for that... and just ask really nicely that academic success is the way He chooses to administer it!
P.S. I'm not very good at acknowledging grace, I didn't even have a tag for it (only for 'Grace Killers'). I've been too tied up receiving it and applying it to my life to stop and go "Wow" so I reckon this is a lesson that I am well in need of. It's pretty Amazing, isn't it?!
I've been getting myself all churned up about if I am messing up God's plan. Like, He has got a really cool escape route mapped out so that I can miraculously be alright in this situation, meet my deadline and get the grade... but I am being an idiot and sitting around waiting for it to happen instead of just writing.
Now, granted some people probably think I am right about that and actually I should just get on with my essay instead of blogging but, even though I doubt it will make a difference to their opinion, I want to state that I genuinely struggle with concentration A LOT. I'm in the middle of being diagnosed with ADHD but the referral is weeks away (I do love the NHS) with all methods other than medication taking far too long to effect change before Friday. A friend asked me if I thought I might be using it as an excuse but actually I really just see it more as an explanation for how my life has always been...
We can talk more about all that some other time. It's been a bit of a journey for me and something I haven't shared partly 'cause of the stigma and this being the internet, partly the not actually having an answer yet. It gives a girl a lot to think about, studying being the least important in comparison to things like social interaction, relationships, identity, healing(?). But I'll leave those stuffs for another time, today I just wanted to vindicate my struggles a little and lay it out on a plate.
So yeah. I don't really know what I can actually do, but I look at a page/screen and panic. I love to write and I have all these ideas and when it is a short piece I can eventually organise it and hone it and make it flow... I know exactly what I want to say and within limitations I can do that. But 5,000 words with a lot of technical details and referencing is a whole other ball game and my perfectionism doesn't know where to begin. Yet surely in this I am messing up every chance that God has to rescue me? I have to do *something*.
Yet again, duh, I am prompted to recall that GOD IS SOVEREIGN. He doesn't actually need me to do anything. In fact, HE LIKES IT WHEN I AM WEAK SO HE CAN SHOW ME HE'S STRONG. How am I supposed to remember my dependency if I am always capable? How am I supposed to get that He loves me if He never has the chance to show me?
Yet again I was being legalistic, thinking I have to reach some kind of threshold of effort before He meets me halfway. If anything of this world depended on what we humans did, well... we kinda see what that looks like don't we? Life is impossible for a reason. Failure imminent without intervention, that we may recognise intervention for what it is and receive it gladly in the shape of True Love.
It takes the flavour out of grace for me to think that what I do matters at all. God reached out to man and made a way (Jesus) and I tell myself that He can only see His plans come through if I work for it? Crazy fool.
So I'm in the library, giving what I can but not giving a damn if what I have isn't enough. It isn't. I read another person's blog this morning. Don't do that much but this guy seems good and I like the sound of his ideals (I say that vaguely 'cause I only know them vaguely!). The article linked above really spoke to me and in case you don't feel like reading someone else on your coffee break I'll sum up the relevant part.
It is looking at the story of David and Goliath and how so many people interpret it: little weak person overcomes some big, scary, technically impossible to beat, "Giant" in their life. Miraculous empowerment of man. He then (and this is the bit that made me go "Oh yeah, duh!") instead describes it thus:
We are little Israelites standing round shitting ourselves with the Philestines surrounding us, doomed. Then a seemingly insignificant and weak nobody steps out from the midst of us and saves us from an impossible Giant so that we can surge forward with a shout, enemy defeated! Miraculous empowerment for man. The analogy here is, of course, Jesus.
How naïve, nay arrogant, to think that we are David when really Jesus is? David didn't need the army of scared and foolish soldiers behind him, he did if for the army so that they would not die.
All that said, an essay is not eternal life and just 'cause I am guaranteed of the second does not mean that the first will come to pass. I cannot claim that in hope I know the full extent of the mind of God and I must remember that my certainty of grace is in the eternal sense and that here and now, finitely, we cannot comprehend the full applications of infinity. That is to say, grace acted out on earth doesn't always look like a gift as we know it (also coming in the shape of lessons, refinement, rebuke etc) and I must be wary that this coursework does not become a "what have you done for me lately" scenario with my idea of grace being pined onto something so subjective.
God likes blessing me and wants the best for me, I can hope assuredly for that... and just ask really nicely that academic success is the way He chooses to administer it!
P.S. I'm not very good at acknowledging grace, I didn't even have a tag for it (only for 'Grace Killers'). I've been too tied up receiving it and applying it to my life to stop and go "Wow" so I reckon this is a lesson that I am well in need of. It's pretty Amazing, isn't it?!
Monday, February 2, 2009
...but it doesn't mean He won't
Arggggh! Two people have commented to me today on something about my positive blogging blah blah etc etc... and it made me laugh 'cause they clearly hadn't read the last post I wrote.
I drive myself mad with the ups and downs of hope and faith.
Whilst what I said is technically true [EDIT: in that we can't know what God will do] I do realise that the way I said it didn't testify to God's love for me. That is, it implied quite strongly He don't care about the details of my life which I believe (albeit by faith and not necessarily feeling right now) He does. It sounds a lot like me being resigned to a meaningless existence in which what I do both doesn't matter and doesn't last.
Neither of which are true. Firstly, God just plain cares. Loving us to reach our potential and making it accessible to us when we struggle, because He likes to do so and likes us to be happy (granted sometimes growth takes priority). Blimey, if the University has an Access Unit then of course God does (there is probably a whole angelic division called Widening Participation).
Secondly, and this is something that makes for a full post at a later date if I get round to it, what we do now does last. That is why there is a finite bit then an infinite bit to life. If it was all about the infinite then we may as well just skip straight ahead... but it's not. Ergo - bothered.
Well, errrrr, there's some good theory for you. I will keep you posted on the practice since so far today the bulk of my achievements has been to write a song about snow. Isn't it lovely?
I drive myself mad with the ups and downs of hope and faith.
Whilst what I said is technically true [EDIT: in that we can't know what God will do] I do realise that the way I said it didn't testify to God's love for me. That is, it implied quite strongly He don't care about the details of my life which I believe (albeit by faith and not necessarily feeling right now) He does. It sounds a lot like me being resigned to a meaningless existence in which what I do both doesn't matter and doesn't last.
Neither of which are true. Firstly, God just plain cares. Loving us to reach our potential and making it accessible to us when we struggle, because He likes to do so and likes us to be happy (granted sometimes growth takes priority). Blimey, if the University has an Access Unit then of course God does (there is probably a whole angelic division called Widening Participation).
Secondly, and this is something that makes for a full post at a later date if I get round to it, what we do now does last. That is why there is a finite bit then an infinite bit to life. If it was all about the infinite then we may as well just skip straight ahead... but it's not. Ergo - bothered.
Well, errrrr, there's some good theory for you. I will keep you posted on the practice since so far today the bulk of my achievements has been to write a song about snow. Isn't it lovely?
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
hopeactually
Essay is not really any further along what with having had to postpone French work a whole week till yesterday evening. Today has been one of slowly waking up to the world following lots of presentation pressure, only to be submersed again tomorrow in a land of distraction, study and imminence.
Miss Spitfire came over to see me at the weekend, much to my delight. And indeed salvation, I would not have been able to survive if it were not for her... Really wakened me up to my inbuilt issues with self-reliance, that visit did. I got over it enough to submit, albeit legalistically at times, to God but to surrender myself to the support of others has been *quite* uncomfortable. I can talk all day about community and interdependence and how God provides for me through people but when the shadows creep in, the computer crashes an hour before or the mind is just not even pretending to cope anymore one tends to "forget" how to put the words into action. Needing help made me downright angry, allowing it to happen just felt like absolute crap.
Yet I need to get over that I know it. So, vulnerability rears it's not actually ugly just not "conventionally accepted" head and reminds me of my fallibility. Who am I to try and cope alone anyway? Even Jesus didn't do that.
Godwise? Lots of thinking, even *some* clarity coming there. Issues being raise up, semi-answers sort of fall into place... now is no time to try and talk about that as I have a week and a half to go before I can justify the deep expounding of anything in a non-mathematical area (and even then it would probably be a bit of a long shot). I think am the best I've been since the very start of the year (where if you recall I was actually feeling excellent till it all fell apart literally overnight) and reckon, perhaps, that all the "of the world" trials have helped me to draw near to God in reliance - like a teenager that is angry at their parent but really needs a lift to the pub. Sort of.
'Cause what I have been doing is getting increasingly angry, mostly at Him, and yesterday that really culminated like some kind of inflamed pustule. I pretty much decided that I was fed up of the life I was being subjected to, the constant battle it seems to be to get anything done or to see any progress and how really I was just not up for it anymore... so I popped. My new red glasses have an interesting and even newer shape that testifies to this fact. The strange thing was that as I expressed this I knew, deep down, that it would be OK and that actually God did know what I could bear, He would get me through it and I was going to be OK nay perhaps even better off. Not actually a good feeling I have you know, very much like a teacher that has this "I know best" look and you don't want it to be true but it just is.
Thing is, I can't shake the hope. Despite the fear I have always had this hope and, as God became a consistent feature in my life, it became more and more fulfilled. Nay, turned into faith a little, perhaps. Sometimes you want to indulge in the misery of it all but really, deep down, there is this hope. And, as I shake pain from the past, the hope flows even freer (sp?).
Just, sometimes I don't like the process through which I mush keep hoping. I've heard some pretty cool prophecies for this year and, in all honesty, for me right now one of the most spot on ones is a passing comment I myself made on New Year's Day - when me and two friends had an amazing "improv" pray sesh. One girl said '2008 was great' (which is true! :-)) and I followed almost immediately with '2009 - refine'. Dang it, I seem to have spoken that into being!
But I just "know", somehow, that God is getting me ready for something or other and is doing stuff in me that I may be up to the task. I feel broken shattered and bruised but that is, yet again, a good place for God's strength to be made complete and for my dependency on Him to be renewed. This verse in Job 23:9-10 that I just "got" really sums it up:
"When he is at work in the north, I do not see him; when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him
But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold."
So, ummmm, yeah. Not actually looking forward at all to the next few weeks... but the next few years may just rock out; if I can only get through the fire.
And learning to rely on other people is sure to help. Mummy is coming to look after me next week which is utterly wonderful, welcome and necessary, though I don't envy at all what she will go through! I am just so grateful that there are people who care enough to take me in my unrefined state; I know I won't make it to shiny without being held up in the process...
Miss Spitfire came over to see me at the weekend, much to my delight. And indeed salvation, I would not have been able to survive if it were not for her... Really wakened me up to my inbuilt issues with self-reliance, that visit did. I got over it enough to submit, albeit legalistically at times, to God but to surrender myself to the support of others has been *quite* uncomfortable. I can talk all day about community and interdependence and how God provides for me through people but when the shadows creep in, the computer crashes an hour before or the mind is just not even pretending to cope anymore one tends to "forget" how to put the words into action. Needing help made me downright angry, allowing it to happen just felt like absolute crap.
Yet I need to get over that I know it. So, vulnerability rears it's not actually ugly just not "conventionally accepted" head and reminds me of my fallibility. Who am I to try and cope alone anyway? Even Jesus didn't do that.
Godwise? Lots of thinking, even *some* clarity coming there. Issues being raise up, semi-answers sort of fall into place... now is no time to try and talk about that as I have a week and a half to go before I can justify the deep expounding of anything in a non-mathematical area (and even then it would probably be a bit of a long shot). I think am the best I've been since the very start of the year (where if you recall I was actually feeling excellent till it all fell apart literally overnight) and reckon, perhaps, that all the "of the world" trials have helped me to draw near to God in reliance - like a teenager that is angry at their parent but really needs a lift to the pub. Sort of.
'Cause what I have been doing is getting increasingly angry, mostly at Him, and yesterday that really culminated like some kind of inflamed pustule. I pretty much decided that I was fed up of the life I was being subjected to, the constant battle it seems to be to get anything done or to see any progress and how really I was just not up for it anymore... so I popped. My new red glasses have an interesting and even newer shape that testifies to this fact. The strange thing was that as I expressed this I knew, deep down, that it would be OK and that actually God did know what I could bear, He would get me through it and I was going to be OK nay perhaps even better off. Not actually a good feeling I have you know, very much like a teacher that has this "I know best" look and you don't want it to be true but it just is.
Thing is, I can't shake the hope. Despite the fear I have always had this hope and, as God became a consistent feature in my life, it became more and more fulfilled. Nay, turned into faith a little, perhaps. Sometimes you want to indulge in the misery of it all but really, deep down, there is this hope. And, as I shake pain from the past, the hope flows even freer (sp?).
Just, sometimes I don't like the process through which I mush keep hoping. I've heard some pretty cool prophecies for this year and, in all honesty, for me right now one of the most spot on ones is a passing comment I myself made on New Year's Day - when me and two friends had an amazing "improv" pray sesh. One girl said '2008 was great' (which is true! :-)) and I followed almost immediately with '2009 - refine'. Dang it, I seem to have spoken that into being!
But I just "know", somehow, that God is getting me ready for something or other and is doing stuff in me that I may be up to the task. I feel broken shattered and bruised but that is, yet again, a good place for God's strength to be made complete and for my dependency on Him to be renewed. This verse in Job 23:9-10 that I just "got" really sums it up:
"When he is at work in the north, I do not see him; when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him
But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold."
So, ummmm, yeah. Not actually looking forward at all to the next few weeks... but the next few years may just rock out; if I can only get through the fire.
And learning to rely on other people is sure to help. Mummy is coming to look after me next week which is utterly wonderful, welcome and necessary, though I don't envy at all what she will go through! I am just so grateful that there are people who care enough to take me in my unrefined state; I know I won't make it to shiny without being held up in the process...
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Speechless, Sightless... Helpless?
I've not got a lot to say.
I also have limited capacity for actual speech given that my voice is dying. It's been ongoing for an incredibly long time and I haven't quite known what to do about - torn between waiting for it to mend and expecting it to sort itself out as time went by (particularly having quit smoking) so best keep exercising the muscle... the latter being by far the more tempting! Last week a very nice doctor put a camera up my nose and down my throat and as I lived out an episode of House (excepting the fact that he was a very nice doctor) he showed me the nodules that are forming on my vocal chords.
Which is a bit of a bummer. Not least 'cause I sing and love it (and want to be in a band just soon as I can) but also 'cause it does actually get in the way of socialising. Rather a lot. In fact, as I look back I realise how much I have been ploughing on regardless and ending up worn out and in pain... it's not the smokey atmosphere (which no longer exists in the UK) and alcohol (which I don't drink that much of actually :-O) that mean I wake up dry and hoarse but rather my compulsive "need" to talk. So that is going to have to change. We hope.
I have been referred for speech therapy which could take an indefinite amount of time to start and so I look ahead with trepidation: in part excited to be one day free to sing without feeling terribly bad very quickly and that maybe I can get back to a place where going out for a drink with friends is not daunting to the point of avoidable (maybe that is why I feel so old and boring?!); but also in part wary at the hard work it's going to involve to recover and aware of how much I must change. Which isn't in and of itself a bad thing as I have been working towards that a while (whilst not really knowing what it will look like when I get there)... but still, medical condition to force it to happen seems a bit extreme. Though not necessarily bad and I am incredibly grateful for my diagnosis, the care, the hope and the timing of everything as it sure beats not knowing and getting no help.
And what in the mean time? Well, last night I went to the pub for the last forseeable time. I can't hack talking over people like that (no, not my friends, just the background noise). Which again, given my degree needs, is probably no bad thing.
On the topic of which... I haven't got a hope in hell of completion or coming even close. My presentation was delayed a week 'cause I was "struggling" and the essay due in 2 weeks and 2 days looks ominous. Then there are the exams and other deadline in April and yet more in June. All the old attentive and mood dilemmas are arising and I feel *quite* pathetic. I literally cannot see all the way to the end and me still being alive. I have no vision at all.
Luckily though, my hope isn't in hell actually and, though I am still incredibly uncertain of what is going on in my spiritual life (a tale for another time) I know once again that if it hasn't all been a figment of my attention-seeking, eratic, desperate imagination then I am going to be OK. 'Cause there are about a million and one promises buried in that bible (none of which I have the energy to locate right now) that tell me so...
Hmmmmm. This place also seems a bit extreme, even if it is to facilitate me moving deeper with God. Though again, not neccesarily bad. Now I await various diagnoses that can potentially get me help here too... I just wish they could put a camera up my nose and into my brain to tell them what's going on.
God is faithful even when we are faithless. Apparently.
I also have limited capacity for actual speech given that my voice is dying. It's been ongoing for an incredibly long time and I haven't quite known what to do about - torn between waiting for it to mend and expecting it to sort itself out as time went by (particularly having quit smoking) so best keep exercising the muscle... the latter being by far the more tempting! Last week a very nice doctor put a camera up my nose and down my throat and as I lived out an episode of House (excepting the fact that he was a very nice doctor) he showed me the nodules that are forming on my vocal chords.
Which is a bit of a bummer. Not least 'cause I sing and love it (and want to be in a band just soon as I can) but also 'cause it does actually get in the way of socialising. Rather a lot. In fact, as I look back I realise how much I have been ploughing on regardless and ending up worn out and in pain... it's not the smokey atmosphere (which no longer exists in the UK) and alcohol (which I don't drink that much of actually :-O) that mean I wake up dry and hoarse but rather my compulsive "need" to talk. So that is going to have to change. We hope.
I have been referred for speech therapy which could take an indefinite amount of time to start and so I look ahead with trepidation: in part excited to be one day free to sing without feeling terribly bad very quickly and that maybe I can get back to a place where going out for a drink with friends is not daunting to the point of avoidable (maybe that is why I feel so old and boring?!); but also in part wary at the hard work it's going to involve to recover and aware of how much I must change. Which isn't in and of itself a bad thing as I have been working towards that a while (whilst not really knowing what it will look like when I get there)... but still, medical condition to force it to happen seems a bit extreme. Though not necessarily bad and I am incredibly grateful for my diagnosis, the care, the hope and the timing of everything as it sure beats not knowing and getting no help.
And what in the mean time? Well, last night I went to the pub for the last forseeable time. I can't hack talking over people like that (no, not my friends, just the background noise). Which again, given my degree needs, is probably no bad thing.
On the topic of which... I haven't got a hope in hell of completion or coming even close. My presentation was delayed a week 'cause I was "struggling" and the essay due in 2 weeks and 2 days looks ominous. Then there are the exams and other deadline in April and yet more in June. All the old attentive and mood dilemmas are arising and I feel *quite* pathetic. I literally cannot see all the way to the end and me still being alive. I have no vision at all.
Luckily though, my hope isn't in hell actually and, though I am still incredibly uncertain of what is going on in my spiritual life (a tale for another time) I know once again that if it hasn't all been a figment of my attention-seeking, eratic, desperate imagination then I am going to be OK. 'Cause there are about a million and one promises buried in that bible (none of which I have the energy to locate right now) that tell me so...
Hmmmmm. This place also seems a bit extreme, even if it is to facilitate me moving deeper with God. Though again, not neccesarily bad. Now I await various diagnoses that can potentially get me help here too... I just wish they could put a camera up my nose and into my brain to tell them what's going on.
God is faithful even when we are faithless. Apparently.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Clearer Vision
There has been so much learning going on this "season". It's cool but it sure isn't conducive to writing snappy thought-out posts. Which is, clearly, what BGB is all about. Hmmm, what I have I been doing in my regular life then, if faith is too much to discuss...
I bought new glasses! It took me 2.5 hours to choose them which was terrible and I wanted to die and there were about 4 staff members trying to help me pick them out till they all got fed up. I finally found my second pair (it was buy one get one free) when a women started getting unopened stock out for me to see - what with me having tried everything on the shop floor.
But, after much patience and waiting, wanting things to be right and them not being, stressing and feeling terrible for stressing other people, pretending I was nearly there when I wasn't and very very almost compromising... I got the poifick pair. Really really good. (I actually got 3 in the end: red like when I was small, black funky-secretary style and a really cheap granny round pair from the really cheap granny round range.) I tried and tried to make it happen but in the end I simply had to be rescued by something that was totally out of my control. Even praying was not bringing a direct result and I was terrified I would keep stalemating till I freaked out; yet eventually I loved what I came away with and they could not be better.
Maybe there is something in that. At a time when all my anger, pain and bitterness towards past friends, not-so-friends, God, you name it suddenly hit me (just when I thought it had all gone) and seemed to totally overwhelm my "walk", I got a little message whilst at church to do with the Exodus. Particularly this bit. My Egyptians, whatever, whoever they are, are riding over the distant sand dune and gaining on me. Nowhere to run to. No more forcing it I have nothing left to give, I am trapped by the red sea and desperate. Yet, I am being promised deliverance. When there is no hope and no way out there is light at the end of the tunnel (or perhaps damp sand at the bottom of a miraculous passageway). Dude it even follows the baby analogy of a few posts ago (teehee, deliverance you get it?).
I really can't force this. I have to stop. I may look like I am walking in sin and messing up and being unrighteous and everything but there is no use in having a faith that is grounded in work and obligation. I can't possibly do this. I have tried everything and nothing is right and now I am waiting for the answer that cannot be picked off a shelf and chosen by me to suit - he is going to have to hand me the perfect fit. Which is cool because that is the verse that comes next. I am not fighting this one, regardless of what Timothy says. 'Tis not for me actually Haggai, I am on a different page.
Once again I have started on the mundane and gone on to stretch a ridiculous analogy. I don't care, I like it.
Night x
I bought new glasses! It took me 2.5 hours to choose them which was terrible and I wanted to die and there were about 4 staff members trying to help me pick them out till they all got fed up. I finally found my second pair (it was buy one get one free) when a women started getting unopened stock out for me to see - what with me having tried everything on the shop floor.
But, after much patience and waiting, wanting things to be right and them not being, stressing and feeling terrible for stressing other people, pretending I was nearly there when I wasn't and very very almost compromising... I got the poifick pair. Really really good. (I actually got 3 in the end: red like when I was small, black funky-secretary style and a really cheap granny round pair from the really cheap granny round range.) I tried and tried to make it happen but in the end I simply had to be rescued by something that was totally out of my control. Even praying was not bringing a direct result and I was terrified I would keep stalemating till I freaked out; yet eventually I loved what I came away with and they could not be better.
Maybe there is something in that. At a time when all my anger, pain and bitterness towards past friends, not-so-friends, God, you name it suddenly hit me (just when I thought it had all gone) and seemed to totally overwhelm my "walk", I got a little message whilst at church to do with the Exodus. Particularly this bit. My Egyptians, whatever, whoever they are, are riding over the distant sand dune and gaining on me. Nowhere to run to. No more forcing it I have nothing left to give, I am trapped by the red sea and desperate. Yet, I am being promised deliverance. When there is no hope and no way out there is light at the end of the tunnel (or perhaps damp sand at the bottom of a miraculous passageway). Dude it even follows the baby analogy of a few posts ago (teehee, deliverance you get it?).
I really can't force this. I have to stop. I may look like I am walking in sin and messing up and being unrighteous and everything but there is no use in having a faith that is grounded in work and obligation. I can't possibly do this. I have tried everything and nothing is right and now I am waiting for the answer that cannot be picked off a shelf and chosen by me to suit - he is going to have to hand me the perfect fit. Which is cool because that is the verse that comes next. I am not fighting this one, regardless of what Timothy says. 'Tis not for me actually Haggai, I am on a different page.
Once again I have started on the mundane and gone on to stretch a ridiculous analogy. I don't care, I like it.
Night x
Friday, January 9, 2009
Russell Brand’s autobiography is my new bible
I’m not saying I won’t read the original one (bible that is). It’s just, right now, I am more motivated with that ole Booky Wook.
Well, no wonder you’ve lost your faith I hear you cry.
Whatever. I’ve decided that seeking is an attitude of heart and not some kind of perverse discipline.
[Here may be a good time to note that I am desperately trying to catch up with the past few days and have barely gotten things down here without moving on and discovering more but I'm going to try and give a bit of a journey and not skip straight to the most recent.]
One time, say last February, I was too depressed to read my bible or do anything really and I was reading Russell then too (it takes me a long time to finish books due to concentration problems) whereupon God spoke to me through the line "If celebrity hynotist Paul McKenna can't help me then who can?".
So I figure, it could happen again… and I rather think it might be.
Now I can’t be sure that I never meant any of my passion before. As Russell says quite aptly:
“My zeal was potent, as is often the case with the newly converted in any faith.”
Who knows, perhaps I too am just disgruntled by the lack of immediacy for my cause (though I rather doubt it since this didn’t come after a dry period by actually quite the opposite).
However, whether I did or not and whether it was real (which is what I am doubting right now) or not, I am definitely not feeling the love at the moment.
I’ve been told by tons of people I know a surprising amount of stuff for a newbie. Like the bible and that and just the idea that it is all about Jesus, simply looking to and becoming more like him and that everything else will follow. It’s true. Objectively. I’m not a statistician by trade but my sample group has been sufficiently large and diverse, even my dad noticed the other day! I don’t know how this has happened, I have quite a good memory I suppose and who knows, maybe God played a part too.
So, with all this behind me I have been playing the game very very well. Kidding everyone, perhaps even me (though I may have been in denial).
And one of the main keys I realised pretty quick is: SUBMISSION.
I never got why people struggled with it. I am very much an all or nothing at all girl and the few times that I have found it tricky I still manage to say I want to want to and it all worked out cool. I prouded myself (you know there’s a problem when pride is involved) on the fact that I was surrendered in every area of my life. “Force me to be free” was my prayer (for those of you that don’t know Rousseau I will explain this some time) and it was seemingly working, even if I had to repeat it several times a day. I don’t mean that I was perfect but I really thought that I was, theoretically at least, open with it all… an act of will maybe but it only takes our will and then God’s power comes in and makes all things possible. (Imagine a caveat at this point.)
The thing I’ve realised now though is that I have been living a legalistic life. I haven’t submitted ‘cause I really love God and want to follow everything He says but because by doing so I know that I will be best off. Selfish designs to succeed in everything I do. I am one for getting “it” right and so The Way and The Truth and The Life spells out to me exactly what I have been looking for. Always a bit of a control freak (as well as a perfectionist) I carried these traits through with me... I think it is rather ironic that I was trying to keep a handle on life by giving up control to a being that is omni-everything.
Hence getting stuck into evangelism; striving to be pure in everything; buying/living green and ethically in all that I can. Stopping at every homeless person I meet, at all times living as an example to non-Christian friends etc etc. I don’t mean I always did it right but I sure always felt the call.
It was all like one really big fast, striving for perfection and constantly sacrificing things. And in the same way that when married couples refrain from sex for too long and they end up giving in, I have stopped being able to work at it.
Life is not meant to be always fasting, I worked that out here. I’ve been working for a place of intimacy and relationship, telling myself that if I form the habit of love I will inhabit the form of it. Which isn't a bad concept in itself about needing to choose to change but when applied willy nilly can have disastrous effects. I knew all about grace in my head but not on my heart.
So no longer.
I hadn't quite worked all this out on Monday morning as I set off home; and I was still pretty sleepy from the late night drafting my last blog, not to mention pissed off. So that day I embraced the fact that I no longer wanted to try. Nothing too risky, but here are some of the boundaries I pushed then and over the following day or so:
Drinking coffee when I wasn't in a good place (lol, it's bad trust me!)
Buying non fairtrade chocolate (peanut butter chunky kitkats are Good)
Speeding along the motorway (it is pure legalism to not I realise)
Shopping in Tesco. More specifically actually buying a jumper there and all kinds of things wrapped in plastic and of dubious source.
I also realised an area I may not have submitted (being open to conviction about swearing) but didn't give a shit by that point
Thinking unloving things and not being afraid to allow it
Watching TV, namely catching up on EastEnders, all day long
It's not a fully encompassing list.
Note that I am still not a fan of Cosmo magazine.
I hadn't really thought it through much, other than that I was not prepared to do it anymore. So I wouldn't. You know what? I enjoyed it. All of it.
Do I feel different now to how I was before all the God happened, or have I been reset? That question was open for a day or so. I suppose what it is really asking is much deeper about the nature of the change that you go through when your spirit is reborn. I know that after the initial anger and disregard I don't hate myself hardly at all. Indeed I am pretty empowered in ways that I haven't been recently to get myself together. And I'm not sure that is a bad thing.
In fact. There seems to be some pretty good things coming out of this. Not unlike the advice I got from EVERYONE that has been motivationally writing/talking to me! I suppose I am slightly more inclined to God now than I was a couple of days ago. I'm not actually sure I had a faith issue so much as a methodology issue. I was surprised by how much (granted apathetic) expectation I had for it to be resolved in the end. I just don't care much, 'tis all.
This piece of writing has come out a bit backwards (given I started this morning and ended on last Monday) but overall progress is forwards. I reckon I am discovering good lessons and really having bad things gotten rid of. The thought I had on Tuesday that my ability to trust had gone and I needed something akin to a mini rerevelation is over. I have enough in the memory bank to know God is there.
And if he wants me to do things right now let him convict me, for sure, but I ain't living a life that is a constant mission of my own. This burden is light, come on Kat(i)e let's apply some of the head knowledge.
Does that sound bad? Good thing I still don't care. There is more to come but this is hard to organise in my mind and I am more than ready for bed (note: this has been written over the course of about a day and a half, started thurs am and actually finally published fri eve). So to bed I will go...
Oh and, er, just for a POI and it may mean nothing as people are only now coming into post-Christmas routine, but my hits have gone WAY up since I started writing about this. Well who’d have thought… struggles are more interesting, I’ll bear that in mind ;-)
Well, no wonder you’ve lost your faith I hear you cry.
Whatever. I’ve decided that seeking is an attitude of heart and not some kind of perverse discipline.
[Here may be a good time to note that I am desperately trying to catch up with the past few days and have barely gotten things down here without moving on and discovering more but I'm going to try and give a bit of a journey and not skip straight to the most recent.]
One time, say last February, I was too depressed to read my bible or do anything really and I was reading Russell then too (it takes me a long time to finish books due to concentration problems) whereupon God spoke to me through the line "If celebrity hynotist Paul McKenna can't help me then who can?".
So I figure, it could happen again… and I rather think it might be.
Now I can’t be sure that I never meant any of my passion before. As Russell says quite aptly:
“My zeal was potent, as is often the case with the newly converted in any faith.”
Who knows, perhaps I too am just disgruntled by the lack of immediacy for my cause (though I rather doubt it since this didn’t come after a dry period by actually quite the opposite).
However, whether I did or not and whether it was real (which is what I am doubting right now) or not, I am definitely not feeling the love at the moment.
I’ve been told by tons of people I know a surprising amount of stuff for a newbie. Like the bible and that and just the idea that it is all about Jesus, simply looking to and becoming more like him and that everything else will follow. It’s true. Objectively. I’m not a statistician by trade but my sample group has been sufficiently large and diverse, even my dad noticed the other day! I don’t know how this has happened, I have quite a good memory I suppose and who knows, maybe God played a part too.
So, with all this behind me I have been playing the game very very well. Kidding everyone, perhaps even me (though I may have been in denial).
And one of the main keys I realised pretty quick is: SUBMISSION.
I never got why people struggled with it. I am very much an all or nothing at all girl and the few times that I have found it tricky I still manage to say I want to want to and it all worked out cool. I prouded myself (you know there’s a problem when pride is involved) on the fact that I was surrendered in every area of my life. “Force me to be free” was my prayer (for those of you that don’t know Rousseau I will explain this some time) and it was seemingly working, even if I had to repeat it several times a day. I don’t mean that I was perfect but I really thought that I was, theoretically at least, open with it all… an act of will maybe but it only takes our will and then God’s power comes in and makes all things possible. (Imagine a caveat at this point.)
The thing I’ve realised now though is that I have been living a legalistic life. I haven’t submitted ‘cause I really love God and want to follow everything He says but because by doing so I know that I will be best off. Selfish designs to succeed in everything I do. I am one for getting “it” right and so The Way and The Truth and The Life spells out to me exactly what I have been looking for. Always a bit of a control freak (as well as a perfectionist) I carried these traits through with me... I think it is rather ironic that I was trying to keep a handle on life by giving up control to a being that is omni-everything.
Hence getting stuck into evangelism; striving to be pure in everything; buying/living green and ethically in all that I can. Stopping at every homeless person I meet, at all times living as an example to non-Christian friends etc etc. I don’t mean I always did it right but I sure always felt the call.
It was all like one really big fast, striving for perfection and constantly sacrificing things. And in the same way that when married couples refrain from sex for too long and they end up giving in, I have stopped being able to work at it.
Life is not meant to be always fasting, I worked that out here. I’ve been working for a place of intimacy and relationship, telling myself that if I form the habit of love I will inhabit the form of it. Which isn't a bad concept in itself about needing to choose to change but when applied willy nilly can have disastrous effects. I knew all about grace in my head but not on my heart.
So no longer.
I hadn't quite worked all this out on Monday morning as I set off home; and I was still pretty sleepy from the late night drafting my last blog, not to mention pissed off. So that day I embraced the fact that I no longer wanted to try. Nothing too risky, but here are some of the boundaries I pushed then and over the following day or so:
Drinking coffee when I wasn't in a good place (lol, it's bad trust me!)
Buying non fairtrade chocolate (peanut butter chunky kitkats are Good)
Speeding along the motorway (it is pure legalism to not I realise)
Shopping in Tesco. More specifically actually buying a jumper there and all kinds of things wrapped in plastic and of dubious source.
I also realised an area I may not have submitted (being open to conviction about swearing) but didn't give a shit by that point
Thinking unloving things and not being afraid to allow it
Watching TV, namely catching up on EastEnders, all day long
It's not a fully encompassing list.
Note that I am still not a fan of Cosmo magazine.
I hadn't really thought it through much, other than that I was not prepared to do it anymore. So I wouldn't. You know what? I enjoyed it. All of it.
Do I feel different now to how I was before all the God happened, or have I been reset? That question was open for a day or so. I suppose what it is really asking is much deeper about the nature of the change that you go through when your spirit is reborn. I know that after the initial anger and disregard I don't hate myself hardly at all. Indeed I am pretty empowered in ways that I haven't been recently to get myself together. And I'm not sure that is a bad thing.
In fact. There seems to be some pretty good things coming out of this. Not unlike the advice I got from EVERYONE that has been motivationally writing/talking to me! I suppose I am slightly more inclined to God now than I was a couple of days ago. I'm not actually sure I had a faith issue so much as a methodology issue. I was surprised by how much (granted apathetic) expectation I had for it to be resolved in the end. I just don't care much, 'tis all.
This piece of writing has come out a bit backwards (given I started this morning and ended on last Monday) but overall progress is forwards. I reckon I am discovering good lessons and really having bad things gotten rid of. The thought I had on Tuesday that my ability to trust had gone and I needed something akin to a mini rerevelation is over. I have enough in the memory bank to know God is there.
And if he wants me to do things right now let him convict me, for sure, but I ain't living a life that is a constant mission of my own. This burden is light, come on Kat(i)e let's apply some of the head knowledge.
Does that sound bad? Good thing I still don't care. There is more to come but this is hard to organise in my mind and I am more than ready for bed (note: this has been written over the course of about a day and a half, started thurs am and actually finally published fri eve). So to bed I will go...
Oh and, er, just for a POI and it may mean nothing as people are only now coming into post-Christmas routine, but my hits have gone WAY up since I started writing about this. Well who’d have thought… struggles are more interesting, I’ll bear that in mind ;-)
Saturday, December 6, 2008
To Eat or not To Eat, that is the question...
Fasting: this is really good to do. I have had amazing success in fasting for the purpose of seeing breakthrough in prayer. I have had amazing connections with God and hearing His still small voice. I have also had absolutely awful experiences, some when my attitude has been wrong, some when it has been right and I don't know why.
I was fasting through Advent and treating it like a Lent period for me. I thought it was a really good idea. Thing is I am trying to pray for different people every day like and really want good cheer and hope to be spread through this season and be for life, not just for Christmas. So my advent calender is a list of 24 different people and I decided to do a fast until Christmas eve.
I especially thought it was a good idea given that Christmas is a season for lack of self-control and I notoriously have this (as I have shared before) and want to work on it in all areas of my life. So I figured showing discipline in eating is a good way to go about it and would bring me closer to God in this season and deal with something that sometimes gets in the way.
How is fasting for me? Some people say it is about being hungry so they remember to pray. I get that, I do it, but it isn't the main thing. I think the best way I understood fasting was that by not giving in to you fleshly demands of hunger you can somehow get out of this physical mindset and be in a place that can get closer to God by tapping into your spiritual side more. I know that's vague and feel free to correct or expand or whatever...
So anyway, when a friend was doing a lunch fast on the 1st December it just felt right to do it too. Then to carry it on till the 24th... Right?
The thing I hate about humanity is fickleness. How can we be so sure of what we want or what we think we have to do one minute and then the next be completely confused by how wrong it suddenly seems. I get so much comfort out of knowing that at least God gets me 'cause so much of the time I really don't!
First day it was great. Second day I was like, OK, there is a difference between enduring hunger and being too weak to concentrate on my studies. Plus I was not eating day time but getting to the evening and being really really hungry so having big dinners; and also thinking "I need energy for the day so I'll have a big breakfast". Which ended up looking like it had the potential to become a binge-starve-binge sandwich (or not!) and defo not what it was all about. I have a tendency to do things to extremes but I knew this was not good so I decided on day 3 that, though it had been really successful it was not prolong-able, and I would have a fast involving disciplined regular meals and being really strict with myself. Lol, you'll love this, I told my friend in an email:
"I am now doing a 'no snacking or seconds or unneccesarily eating etc' fast as it was starting to feel a bit legalistic."
Now, am I right or am I right that this statement epitomises legalism?!
No snacks, seconds, cake, treats, fun... friends, pleasures, comfort, central heating, nice clothes... hell I should just go live in a cave and pray.
That drove me mad. Suddenly I wasn't even sure when I was allowed to eat. I didn't know if my hunger was hunger or if it was seeking comfort or gratuitous pleasure in food. It felt like I was damned if I do and damned if I don't. I didn't think about it much till after I got my presentation finished on the 4th day [Thank God so much I got that done - it was pushed to the far edge of available time but my ability to eventually concentrate was nothing short of miraculous and it feels like God is growing my faith in such things by leaving me wholly dependent on Him to help me.] but then, suddenly, I was like "What now?". Can I have half an hour of peace, maybe a nice lunch, before I get into the discipline? Am I allowed a biscuit with my tea if I'm still hungry or is it only dry bread? Argggggghhhh! I was tired, I was stressed, nothing was right because legalism vs consumerism is not a pretty fight and so I went to bed till my sister came round after work. Granted I needed it after an early start and 5 hours straight of Philosophy of Maths (!) but going to sleep to avoid dilemmas is probably not what Jesus what have done.
So where am I now? Apart from extremely grateful that C could step up and be wise and supportive and helpful when I needed it? Living each day in God and not forcing a thing I suppose. Remembering that He said really clearly there is no condemnation. I suppose my rule (which is something I've heard and heard and heard and not absorbed then suddenly it just became real to me) for how to live an "extreme" (nay any) spiritual life is:
Only do what I want to do and learn to love God more so that my desires reflect His heart. Then it should all be easy.
Easy is as easy does. Anything's easy if He is our strength (some verses in Isaiah, 2 Corinthians, Matthew). I can't even have a cup of tea without.
I was fasting through Advent and treating it like a Lent period for me. I thought it was a really good idea. Thing is I am trying to pray for different people every day like and really want good cheer and hope to be spread through this season and be for life, not just for Christmas. So my advent calender is a list of 24 different people and I decided to do a fast until Christmas eve.
I especially thought it was a good idea given that Christmas is a season for lack of self-control and I notoriously have this (as I have shared before) and want to work on it in all areas of my life. So I figured showing discipline in eating is a good way to go about it and would bring me closer to God in this season and deal with something that sometimes gets in the way.
How is fasting for me? Some people say it is about being hungry so they remember to pray. I get that, I do it, but it isn't the main thing. I think the best way I understood fasting was that by not giving in to you fleshly demands of hunger you can somehow get out of this physical mindset and be in a place that can get closer to God by tapping into your spiritual side more. I know that's vague and feel free to correct or expand or whatever...
So anyway, when a friend was doing a lunch fast on the 1st December it just felt right to do it too. Then to carry it on till the 24th... Right?
The thing I hate about humanity is fickleness. How can we be so sure of what we want or what we think we have to do one minute and then the next be completely confused by how wrong it suddenly seems. I get so much comfort out of knowing that at least God gets me 'cause so much of the time I really don't!
First day it was great. Second day I was like, OK, there is a difference between enduring hunger and being too weak to concentrate on my studies. Plus I was not eating day time but getting to the evening and being really really hungry so having big dinners; and also thinking "I need energy for the day so I'll have a big breakfast". Which ended up looking like it had the potential to become a binge-starve-binge sandwich (or not!) and defo not what it was all about. I have a tendency to do things to extremes but I knew this was not good so I decided on day 3 that, though it had been really successful it was not prolong-able, and I would have a fast involving disciplined regular meals and being really strict with myself. Lol, you'll love this, I told my friend in an email:
"I am now doing a 'no snacking or seconds or unneccesarily eating etc' fast as it was starting to feel a bit legalistic."
Now, am I right or am I right that this statement epitomises legalism?!
No snacks, seconds, cake, treats, fun... friends, pleasures, comfort, central heating, nice clothes... hell I should just go live in a cave and pray.
That drove me mad. Suddenly I wasn't even sure when I was allowed to eat. I didn't know if my hunger was hunger or if it was seeking comfort or gratuitous pleasure in food. It felt like I was damned if I do and damned if I don't. I didn't think about it much till after I got my presentation finished on the 4th day [Thank God so much I got that done - it was pushed to the far edge of available time but my ability to eventually concentrate was nothing short of miraculous and it feels like God is growing my faith in such things by leaving me wholly dependent on Him to help me.] but then, suddenly, I was like "What now?". Can I have half an hour of peace, maybe a nice lunch, before I get into the discipline? Am I allowed a biscuit with my tea if I'm still hungry or is it only dry bread? Argggggghhhh! I was tired, I was stressed, nothing was right because legalism vs consumerism is not a pretty fight and so I went to bed till my sister came round after work. Granted I needed it after an early start and 5 hours straight of Philosophy of Maths (!) but going to sleep to avoid dilemmas is probably not what Jesus what have done.
So where am I now? Apart from extremely grateful that C could step up and be wise and supportive and helpful when I needed it? Living each day in God and not forcing a thing I suppose. Remembering that He said really clearly there is no condemnation. I suppose my rule (which is something I've heard and heard and heard and not absorbed then suddenly it just became real to me) for how to live an "extreme" (nay any) spiritual life is:
Only do what I want to do and learn to love God more so that my desires reflect His heart. Then it should all be easy.
Easy is as easy does. Anything's easy if He is our strength (some verses in Isaiah, 2 Corinthians, Matthew). I can't even have a cup of tea without.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
A Discovery of Deception
I was just now thinking about what it is that's so hard about struggles. Life struggles, faith struggles, dealing with personal issues or just being motivated to live in all fullness. Just anything hard really.
And I discovered a LIE! You know one of those things that you just think without realising that it is a load of bollocks.
When I get demotivated, which is quite a lot actually, it feels like I am wasting life. I know I am doing wrong when I seek comfort in bad places (I've tried quite a few in my time and though my vices are less these days there are still plenty of things that get me, some more that others. Like blocking out reality by going on line, or comfort eating...) and generally don't live up to God's perfect ideal. Which really sucks.
Then of course enters the knowledge that I really need to sort out my self discipline. It is biblical and good (especially for managing time which is of utmost importance to me and also something that Mrs P31, my inspiration, did). It gives one self control instead of letting worldly things take over. Fasting is SUCH a good example, it can bring me out of a fleshly plane and helps me focus on the spiritual realm a bit more.
But something was going majorly wrong.
I've been a bit run down spiritually, going up'n'down in a mostly usual way but it has been growing slowly more negative as the low moments are becoming longer. I often put this kind of thing down to when God is doing cool stuff in and/or through me and the debil does not like it. Makes sense of late, life is pretty intense and exciting on many fronts...
So I have been really fixated on the goal of self-control as being my key to unlocking this depression. Like, getting out of bed on time, eating sensibly, setting goals for work and other such targets. All the stuff that I know works, is biblically sound and therapistically too come to think of it. Forming a habit and then inhabiting the form (Don'tcha love that?).
But I missed the point entire and I think that perhaps this kinda stems from the fact that I looked at the psychology and having noted that it's *like* the bible followed it instead; forgetting that the bible is the first truth and how things that looks like it are a semblance or a shadow of the truth. Likely to break down in their validity at some point, as they forget about my omnipotent God.
'Cause the thing that makes no sense is that when the moment is at it's most crucial - where every decision is hardest and the easiest things to do become huge goals; going to a lecture is a day's worth of achievement and getting a coursework actually completed and handed in on time feels like it should last a week; having a single positive thought feels like you have won some prize but the balance can tip in an instant - that is when I am supposed to exert self-control. It's already impressive to be disciplined when life is hunky dorey and I make the choice to get up before 9, wash, read, go to uni, pray, be slightly organised and tidy and make the most of most of my time. To then put my emotions at the other end of the scale where getting up at all becomes an achievement and turning up late to a seminar feels like I deserve a first class degree and THEN say I need to train myself into positive habits... Now THAT really is akin to getting a camel - a very miserable and stubborn camel - out of a big pit of mirey clay and telling it to understand Second Order Logic.
Duh. This isn't Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I am not supposed to be "training" myself to do anything.
I've just seen that what I've been trying to do is akin to using Will Power and thus living in my own strength. By sneakily disguising it under the name self-control which we all know is a good thing Satan can bring in an incredible amount of pain to a struggle that is supposed to be easy to bear. That verse in 2 Peter, "make every effort..." doesn't mean you "try on your own". We cannot do these things by own own strength. This self-control that helps us live a Godly life, it is one of the fruits of the Spirit and it is funny how utterly subtly I just forgot that these are given to us and not something we work for. We must desire it but we do not have to DO a single thing to receive it.
Those who hope in the Lord WILL renew their strength and rise up on wings like eagles.
I hope so I will. I don't will to have hope.
And I discovered a LIE! You know one of those things that you just think without realising that it is a load of bollocks.
When I get demotivated, which is quite a lot actually, it feels like I am wasting life. I know I am doing wrong when I seek comfort in bad places (I've tried quite a few in my time and though my vices are less these days there are still plenty of things that get me, some more that others. Like blocking out reality by going on line, or comfort eating...) and generally don't live up to God's perfect ideal. Which really sucks.
Then of course enters the knowledge that I really need to sort out my self discipline. It is biblical and good (especially for managing time which is of utmost importance to me and also something that Mrs P31, my inspiration, did). It gives one self control instead of letting worldly things take over. Fasting is SUCH a good example, it can bring me out of a fleshly plane and helps me focus on the spiritual realm a bit more.
But something was going majorly wrong.
I've been a bit run down spiritually, going up'n'down in a mostly usual way but it has been growing slowly more negative as the low moments are becoming longer. I often put this kind of thing down to when God is doing cool stuff in and/or through me and the debil does not like it. Makes sense of late, life is pretty intense and exciting on many fronts...
So I have been really fixated on the goal of self-control as being my key to unlocking this depression. Like, getting out of bed on time, eating sensibly, setting goals for work and other such targets. All the stuff that I know works, is biblically sound and therapistically too come to think of it. Forming a habit and then inhabiting the form (Don'tcha love that?).
But I missed the point entire and I think that perhaps this kinda stems from the fact that I looked at the psychology and having noted that it's *like* the bible followed it instead; forgetting that the bible is the first truth and how things that looks like it are a semblance or a shadow of the truth. Likely to break down in their validity at some point, as they forget about my omnipotent God.
'Cause the thing that makes no sense is that when the moment is at it's most crucial - where every decision is hardest and the easiest things to do become huge goals; going to a lecture is a day's worth of achievement and getting a coursework actually completed and handed in on time feels like it should last a week; having a single positive thought feels like you have won some prize but the balance can tip in an instant - that is when I am supposed to exert self-control. It's already impressive to be disciplined when life is hunky dorey and I make the choice to get up before 9, wash, read, go to uni, pray, be slightly organised and tidy and make the most of most of my time. To then put my emotions at the other end of the scale where getting up at all becomes an achievement and turning up late to a seminar feels like I deserve a first class degree and THEN say I need to train myself into positive habits... Now THAT really is akin to getting a camel - a very miserable and stubborn camel - out of a big pit of mirey clay and telling it to understand Second Order Logic.
Duh. This isn't Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I am not supposed to be "training" myself to do anything.
I've just seen that what I've been trying to do is akin to using Will Power and thus living in my own strength. By sneakily disguising it under the name self-control which we all know is a good thing Satan can bring in an incredible amount of pain to a struggle that is supposed to be easy to bear. That verse in 2 Peter, "make every effort..." doesn't mean you "try on your own". We cannot do these things by own own strength. This self-control that helps us live a Godly life, it is one of the fruits of the Spirit and it is funny how utterly subtly I just forgot that these are given to us and not something we work for. We must desire it but we do not have to DO a single thing to receive it.
Those who hope in the Lord WILL renew their strength and rise up on wings like eagles.
I hope so I will. I don't will to have hope.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Watcha Gonna Do With All That Junk?
I wonder if the reason I find it so hard to get rid of junk is 'cause if I did I may then realise it was time to clear out things that actually have some value. Like, holding onto the clothes labels that I may never have to deal with sorting out my wardrobe.
Is it like that inside? I try and get rid of my junk but I think that perhaps all I have done is the food waste and plastic wrappers - nothing I would feel pushed to keep anyway. What if really I am harbouring vast amounts of space wasters that I am not wanting to let go of in case I then have to move on to things I actually care about.
Sometimes I wish Jesus had sinned, just so I would feel less bad about myself giving in to temptation when He did not. But then, that would kinda defy the point right? Praise the Lord for being holier than thou.
In positive light, I got rid of half a carton of labels t'other day, and gave away a pair of trousers. I am serious about wanting to lose the crap inside too. Just got to get it together. Preferably before I pack my trunk.
I probably do give myself a bit of a hard time mind. There are some pretty huge things that have changed in recent times and I must stop being so down on myself as a default mode. (Especially with grace flying about in abundance.) Thus enters: Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.
A note on CTB. It is a very classic thing to do, think yourself happy. I say classic in the sense of modern (prize for anyone that knows how my mind works on that one!) and totally widely accepted and, I've always thought, valid enough probably. Except, I never really got round to doing it successfully - for one thing where's the motivation when you don't really care about anything enough? But now I kinda know* it is true. Logically convincing oneself into a better state of mind. Over and over. Constant repetition. Over and over. In fact, one could say, persevering. Duh, check out the bible for that one. I think I may have said this before, it is kinda a relevant concept for me: keeping going with the whole getting there eventually thing. In increasing measure. Little by little as it were. Take it in conjunction with this to really see the promised benefits. And don't forget that God does all the helping... I am not sure that the ellipses do this reference justice given that, as far as I am concerned, it is the one thing that takes the therapists' theory into the realm of possibility, given how likely we are to continuously fall into familiar thought habits.
Wow, it's a veritable bible study today! I am getting in practise for the next YAGs (did I ever explain what that is?) as I am leading it on the topic of praise and worship and may even be playing the guitar (God help them all!).
For how I am feeling in myself, check out Darryl's latest blog. He really hit that nail square.
Laters,
K
*within the realms of what I take as given in my faith.
Is it like that inside? I try and get rid of my junk but I think that perhaps all I have done is the food waste and plastic wrappers - nothing I would feel pushed to keep anyway. What if really I am harbouring vast amounts of space wasters that I am not wanting to let go of in case I then have to move on to things I actually care about.
Sometimes I wish Jesus had sinned, just so I would feel less bad about myself giving in to temptation when He did not. But then, that would kinda defy the point right? Praise the Lord for being holier than thou.
In positive light, I got rid of half a carton of labels t'other day, and gave away a pair of trousers. I am serious about wanting to lose the crap inside too. Just got to get it together. Preferably before I pack my trunk.
I probably do give myself a bit of a hard time mind. There are some pretty huge things that have changed in recent times and I must stop being so down on myself as a default mode. (Especially with grace flying about in abundance.) Thus enters: Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.
A note on CTB. It is a very classic thing to do, think yourself happy. I say classic in the sense of modern (prize for anyone that knows how my mind works on that one!) and totally widely accepted and, I've always thought, valid enough probably. Except, I never really got round to doing it successfully - for one thing where's the motivation when you don't really care about anything enough? But now I kinda know* it is true. Logically convincing oneself into a better state of mind. Over and over. Constant repetition. Over and over. In fact, one could say, persevering. Duh, check out the bible for that one. I think I may have said this before, it is kinda a relevant concept for me: keeping going with the whole getting there eventually thing. In increasing measure. Little by little as it were. Take it in conjunction with this to really see the promised benefits. And don't forget that God does all the helping... I am not sure that the ellipses do this reference justice given that, as far as I am concerned, it is the one thing that takes the therapists' theory into the realm of possibility, given how likely we are to continuously fall into familiar thought habits.
Wow, it's a veritable bible study today! I am getting in practise for the next YAGs (did I ever explain what that is?) as I am leading it on the topic of praise and worship and may even be playing the guitar (God help them all!).
For how I am feeling in myself, check out Darryl's latest blog. He really hit that nail square.
Laters,
K
*within the realms of what I take as given in my faith.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
A collection of vaguely comedic things (that will only work if you know the people in question) and a fair amount of tangentialism
We have a friend who is "half Spanish, half American". So, while Beautiful Brian is a nice name it does not reflect his heritage nearly as well a Randy José. Rechristenment done.
The other day one of my competitors was talking about his leather thong. I asked him if it had studs in it. He replied "You could say that" with the classic eyebrow-raise/head nod. 'F you know what I mean... Shocking!
Randy José called me a fucker on the 24th June. My mission in Geneva is complete. People still don't believe me but it is true. I seem to have this affect on people, SO many of them are swearing more with my influence. Hurrah! I mean this too, I am an advocator of a good cuss when it is necessary and think too many people shy away from it. Language is a tool people.
My mum was just as excited as me when I told her about the hair and said that for her it really was a proper sign (maybe this is where I get the silly symbolism streak from) of things being different. I said that I assumed other things, i.e. Baptism, were more so and she said "well yes, but now it's real!" WTF! (Language is a tool people).
I wrote 6 songs this week. I tend to do that more when I am feeling mellow rather than upbeat so I think if I were to have an album it would be called "Music To Almost Slit Your Wrists To But Then Find That There Is A Small Amount of Hope". We went to see Paul Simon at Montreux a few weeks ago and the 'warm up' (if you can call it that in Switzerland where the crowd never gets more than tepid) was a lady singer/songwriter brandishing a guitar, which is always an inspiration. I know it sounds silly but sometimes when I don't get round to writing music I worry that someone else will write the songs that I'm supposed to! Like when you don't fulfill your call so God gives the job to someone else. I really am that paranoid. The thing is, there are only so many chord combos... and words... OK, I am doing the maths and statistically speaking that is unlikely.
Speaking of which, what about going back to maths... ? Well I am excited, unprepared, a little too not knowledgeable and have lots of things to do when I do return which won't facilitate becoming sufficiently so. But it will be great and though I talk a lot about the sadness of leaving here I have to acknowledge the excitement of going home. I have a kitchen to decorate, friends to reunite with, cars to drive, crazy dogs to play with, a family to drive insane, churches to shop for, futures to plan... There is a lot of cool stuff ahead and I have never been as secure in my life plans and knowing where they will take me. Even if I don't actually know anything much at all - the ideas change on a very daily basis but always, I find, building on each other... but to who knows where?!
On the whole call thing, it actually makes me really worried that every time I mess up I am missing out. I think that I put quite a lot of pressure on myself like that and then retaliate by being even less inline with God. Smart hey? Facilitating/stemming from this I have had a bit of a tough week; life and God have been there but I have on several occasions been disconnected. Yet in all that I now feel like, overall, He was in control. I think. There has been a risk of me getting too legalistic with 'giving my day to God' and making sure that He would be able to do what He wanted as long as I said and did exactly the right things at every moment and being incredibly guilty when I didn't. [Talk about not following my own advice - maybe I am who this post was for.] We can't always be fully immersed in what feels like quality time (I will no doubt realise this more when I get back to a proper life where I cannot pick and choose my level of busyness) and I think this is what I am learning and that I need to be able to be content in God in that. Keeping at it even when I am not in the honeymoon period.
And the anology for this lesson? I went swimming with Zoe on Friday and when I came out (after some pretty hardcore sunbathing as well) I found my hair was not as red. I nearly cried, mostly 'cause of what that said about me as a person and that I had not even show Robyn, but I was over reacting *slightly* as overall the impression is still very SB. It just reminded me that, while the colour was a moment of encouragement, I do need to protect it and I will still have to go through some major upkeep on a regular basis. A question of perseverance to see the long term goals. After all, I got the faith; I'm trying to be good and seeking to gain knowledge; in some, though granted not all at all, areas I am showing self-control and so perseverance is the next logical step (well, logic if you are going by the process as outlined here). Soo, this post would be not so much funny as tangential.
But I have found something that I can beat Darryl on. MY blog is more holy than his: I have more links to the bible... So there.
The other day one of my competitors was talking about his leather thong. I asked him if it had studs in it. He replied "You could say that" with the classic eyebrow-raise/head nod. 'F you know what I mean... Shocking!
Randy José called me a fucker on the 24th June. My mission in Geneva is complete. People still don't believe me but it is true. I seem to have this affect on people, SO many of them are swearing more with my influence. Hurrah! I mean this too, I am an advocator of a good cuss when it is necessary and think too many people shy away from it. Language is a tool people.
My mum was just as excited as me when I told her about the hair and said that for her it really was a proper sign (maybe this is where I get the silly symbolism streak from) of things being different. I said that I assumed other things, i.e. Baptism, were more so and she said "well yes, but now it's real!" WTF! (Language is a tool people).
I wrote 6 songs this week. I tend to do that more when I am feeling mellow rather than upbeat so I think if I were to have an album it would be called "Music To Almost Slit Your Wrists To But Then Find That There Is A Small Amount of Hope". We went to see Paul Simon at Montreux a few weeks ago and the 'warm up' (if you can call it that in Switzerland where the crowd never gets more than tepid) was a lady singer/songwriter brandishing a guitar, which is always an inspiration. I know it sounds silly but sometimes when I don't get round to writing music I worry that someone else will write the songs that I'm supposed to! Like when you don't fulfill your call so God gives the job to someone else. I really am that paranoid. The thing is, there are only so many chord combos... and words... OK, I am doing the maths and statistically speaking that is unlikely.
Speaking of which, what about going back to maths... ? Well I am excited, unprepared, a little too not knowledgeable and have lots of things to do when I do return which won't facilitate becoming sufficiently so. But it will be great and though I talk a lot about the sadness of leaving here I have to acknowledge the excitement of going home. I have a kitchen to decorate, friends to reunite with, cars to drive, crazy dogs to play with, a family to drive insane, churches to shop for, futures to plan... There is a lot of cool stuff ahead and I have never been as secure in my life plans and knowing where they will take me. Even if I don't actually know anything much at all - the ideas change on a very daily basis but always, I find, building on each other... but to who knows where?!
On the whole call thing, it actually makes me really worried that every time I mess up I am missing out. I think that I put quite a lot of pressure on myself like that and then retaliate by being even less inline with God. Smart hey? Facilitating/stemming from this I have had a bit of a tough week; life and God have been there but I have on several occasions been disconnected. Yet in all that I now feel like, overall, He was in control. I think. There has been a risk of me getting too legalistic with 'giving my day to God' and making sure that He would be able to do what He wanted as long as I said and did exactly the right things at every moment and being incredibly guilty when I didn't. [Talk about not following my own advice - maybe I am who this post was for.] We can't always be fully immersed in what feels like quality time (I will no doubt realise this more when I get back to a proper life where I cannot pick and choose my level of busyness) and I think this is what I am learning and that I need to be able to be content in God in that. Keeping at it even when I am not in the honeymoon period.
And the anology for this lesson? I went swimming with Zoe on Friday and when I came out (after some pretty hardcore sunbathing as well) I found my hair was not as red. I nearly cried, mostly 'cause of what that said about me as a person and that I had not even show Robyn, but I was over reacting *slightly* as overall the impression is still very SB. It just reminded me that, while the colour was a moment of encouragement, I do need to protect it and I will still have to go through some major upkeep on a regular basis. A question of perseverance to see the long term goals. After all, I got the faith; I'm trying to be good and seeking to gain knowledge; in some, though granted not all at all, areas I am showing self-control and so perseverance is the next logical step (well, logic if you are going by the process as outlined here). Soo, this post would be not so much funny as tangential.
But I have found something that I can beat Darryl on. MY blog is more holy than his: I have more links to the bible... So there.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Thank You
Sometimes life gets hard. I mean, I think this is true for everyone, it is definitely true for me. I used to be depressed and, even though I have found God, I can still get that way sometimes. I think it is a part of life, a part of being in this body and in this world and subject, dare I say it, to things I may not even be able to see. I can limit and control it but I do not believe there is an easy fix to quit it. Sometimes we are healed from things, sometimes we learn from them. Right now I am learning.
But it is definitely different with God. And a lot of it I think comes from the concept of spirit controlling the soul. I know what can trigger me a lot of the time but even when I don't, He grants me a peace inside that means I can master the brief interlude. One of the things I do when I am down is write - poetry and songs quite a lot of the time. It seems to help.
Life has been a bit hard recently. Not majorly but a few niggles combined with a bit of stress and some good old fashioned drawing near to the end sadness and fear of the future have tarried together gallantly. Tonight as I was rereading some old stuff (I am trying to finish off songs so I can do some recording before I leave Caro, my fabulously musically gifted and equipped friend) I came across this poem. I wrote it way back at the start of November when there was some shit going down, just after I had discovered God and when I knew even less about Him than I do now. I'm going to show it to you 'cause it is so uplifting for me to remember both how real He was even in the past (where sometimes the truth of things seems to wear off) and how far I have come, yet also to be encouraged by a much 'younger' me and regain some of the early wonder. I don't normally share this shit so please, don't be mean.
"This time in my misery
I still get out of bed
Why is that?
I have never felt so bad
The news is worse everyday
Yet the burden I bear is OK
How is it so that in my utter weakness
I have found strength?
My prayer is so weak and broken
Yet the answer is loud and clear
Even when I despair and see no way
I still stand, still get through, still go on
Why is it that this time I don’t feel the pain as strong?
That the moments pass as they need
And after I am still here
And can still smile and still see beauty and still see truth
For the first time really see truth or right or way or reason
Thank you for getting me through this in a way I could not foresee
The yoke is not so heavy this time, though the burden is greater
There must be someone else pulling with me
And even before, when misery was harsher and deeper and more painful
Yet I still got to here with less damage than I could have bore
And though my heart was scarred, broken and torn
Now it feel like it may once again be whole
So thank you, who I do not yet know
Who loves me and I still can’t grasp
Who watches me and influences my path
Carry on when the way is dark, be my light to keep me on track
And thank you once again that I am not looking back."
Life really has changed a lot, so Thank You.
But it is definitely different with God. And a lot of it I think comes from the concept of spirit controlling the soul. I know what can trigger me a lot of the time but even when I don't, He grants me a peace inside that means I can master the brief interlude. One of the things I do when I am down is write - poetry and songs quite a lot of the time. It seems to help.
Life has been a bit hard recently. Not majorly but a few niggles combined with a bit of stress and some good old fashioned drawing near to the end sadness and fear of the future have tarried together gallantly. Tonight as I was rereading some old stuff (I am trying to finish off songs so I can do some recording before I leave Caro, my fabulously musically gifted and equipped friend) I came across this poem. I wrote it way back at the start of November when there was some shit going down, just after I had discovered God and when I knew even less about Him than I do now. I'm going to show it to you 'cause it is so uplifting for me to remember both how real He was even in the past (where sometimes the truth of things seems to wear off) and how far I have come, yet also to be encouraged by a much 'younger' me and regain some of the early wonder. I don't normally share this shit so please, don't be mean.
"This time in my misery
I still get out of bed
Why is that?
I have never felt so bad
The news is worse everyday
Yet the burden I bear is OK
How is it so that in my utter weakness
I have found strength?
My prayer is so weak and broken
Yet the answer is loud and clear
Even when I despair and see no way
I still stand, still get through, still go on
Why is it that this time I don’t feel the pain as strong?
That the moments pass as they need
And after I am still here
And can still smile and still see beauty and still see truth
For the first time really see truth or right or way or reason
Thank you for getting me through this in a way I could not foresee
The yoke is not so heavy this time, though the burden is greater
There must be someone else pulling with me
And even before, when misery was harsher and deeper and more painful
Yet I still got to here with less damage than I could have bore
And though my heart was scarred, broken and torn
Now it feel like it may once again be whole
So thank you, who I do not yet know
Who loves me and I still can’t grasp
Who watches me and influences my path
Carry on when the way is dark, be my light to keep me on track
And thank you once again that I am not looking back."
Life really has changed a lot, so Thank You.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
JC 7-11
Like JC 24/7, but less radical.
I was having a conversation with a friend today about a secular educational trip thingy they did called JC24. I though it sounded amusingly religious and thus ensued a comical chat about JC huit à huit (the French type) and, far more fluid, JC 7-11.
But don't you find that it is a very familiar concept? Or is that just me. I mean, sometimes when I am alone with myself, and God is there but it is too hard to pay attention what with all the distracting temptations of mind take precedent, I am being a JC 7-11. Open in the majority, definitely convenient but 1/3rd of the time I have to take a break.
Something else I discovered today.... Not all Oreos are chocolate covered! Now, call me naïve but shouldn't they be?
So that is my thought for the moment. Why not go all the way and have the chocolate coating? That is how they are meant to be and how they are at their best. It's still an Oreo without the thick layer of chocolatey goodness but it's not nearly as tasty. And doesn't it say "Taste and see that the Lord is good."? [OK, this only makes sense if you have read this.]
There are so many areas of my existence that Christian living has not even had the chance to be expressed. I mean, Britain for a start! I have spent a sum total of 22 hours there since 'the change' and who knows what it will be like to move back and let It permeate my life there. I haven't even driven a car as a Christian yet. Maybe I'll be more careful...?
I hope so.
Yesterday was the first day of the non-contract period of my life here. Bizarrely I realised I feel suddenly different. I feel like I am a visitor. A very happy visitor indeed who cares a lot about the people here, wants to come back for holidays and loves the fact that she is in town for the summer; but a visitor that is thinking quite a lot about the colour of her kitchen at home. That's the thing, I know I will be going back and, whilst unexpected, I am glad that I feel like I will be at home in England. There was the risk that given how much my life had changed whilst here, I was going to feel out of place on return. Yesterday at YAGs we had an international evening where we each took a dish (I chose fruit salad, as in garden party... tenuous but I have tried and failed at scones once already!) and shared a little about our country of origin. After all the Americans, Canadians and South Africans had sung their national anthems I felt like we should have a turn, so me and Sara led them in the first verse of 'God Save The Queen'! I tell you what, I was kinda proud. (Not of anything in particular, but isn't that the nature of pride?!) I definitely still got my Brit :-)
So, I am excited and confident about le prochain chapitre. How can I not be, with the Oreos (chocolated coated I pray) waiting for me. And a 24-hour ASDA...
I was having a conversation with a friend today about a secular educational trip thingy they did called JC24. I though it sounded amusingly religious and thus ensued a comical chat about JC huit à huit (the French type) and, far more fluid, JC 7-11.
But don't you find that it is a very familiar concept? Or is that just me. I mean, sometimes when I am alone with myself, and God is there but it is too hard to pay attention what with all the distracting temptations of mind take precedent, I am being a JC 7-11. Open in the majority, definitely convenient but 1/3rd of the time I have to take a break.
Something else I discovered today.... Not all Oreos are chocolate covered! Now, call me naïve but shouldn't they be?
So that is my thought for the moment. Why not go all the way and have the chocolate coating? That is how they are meant to be and how they are at their best. It's still an Oreo without the thick layer of chocolatey goodness but it's not nearly as tasty. And doesn't it say "Taste and see that the Lord is good."? [OK, this only makes sense if you have read this.]
There are so many areas of my existence that Christian living has not even had the chance to be expressed. I mean, Britain for a start! I have spent a sum total of 22 hours there since 'the change' and who knows what it will be like to move back and let It permeate my life there. I haven't even driven a car as a Christian yet. Maybe I'll be more careful...?
I hope so.
Yesterday was the first day of the non-contract period of my life here. Bizarrely I realised I feel suddenly different. I feel like I am a visitor. A very happy visitor indeed who cares a lot about the people here, wants to come back for holidays and loves the fact that she is in town for the summer; but a visitor that is thinking quite a lot about the colour of her kitchen at home. That's the thing, I know I will be going back and, whilst unexpected, I am glad that I feel like I will be at home in England. There was the risk that given how much my life had changed whilst here, I was going to feel out of place on return. Yesterday at YAGs we had an international evening where we each took a dish (I chose fruit salad, as in garden party... tenuous but I have tried and failed at scones once already!) and shared a little about our country of origin. After all the Americans, Canadians and South Africans had sung their national anthems I felt like we should have a turn, so me and Sara led them in the first verse of 'God Save The Queen'! I tell you what, I was kinda proud. (Not of anything in particular, but isn't that the nature of pride?!) I definitely still got my Brit :-)
So, I am excited and confident about le prochain chapitre. How can I not be, with the Oreos (chocolated coated I pray) waiting for me. And a 24-hour ASDA...
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