Crazy Little Thing Called Love

I just had a lovely girly night out. Day in fact. I spent the afternoon at the Christmas market in Bath with a friend from Geneva who now lives in South UK (which is great!) and then came back for a chocolate party with "my ladies" and other friends. SO great. It was buy nothing day but I decided that legalism loses to relationship any time and so went shopping. Consumerism is my pet hate but it totally doesn't win over love :o)

Then I went out with this wonderful chick named Whitney. She is from Toronto!! I love having Canadian friends, I am so used to them now it would suck if I didn't know any. We were going out to party with her friend for his bday but we had one of those moments where, like, it was totally, just, impossibly rubbish. You know? Got in a taxi across Bris (wearing heels and also on rapist alert) and so that cost like £8 to find out that they were about to head back across town to go to a club that, I kid you not, we got into the taxi in front of.

Now, I might fool you as a clubbing girl but to be honest I am too lazy. I like to dance but I don't like to be out tired when there is a journey ahead of me and I could have been in bed already. It's quite a sad confession. I had gotten all excited but then when it came down to it I was not that cool. My feet were hurting, I didn't know anybody and we had just wasted money to be in this uncomfortable place. I nearly panicked. I lie, I had a full minute and a half where I wanted to cry over the obvious mistake. Why didn't I assert against this? Then, in my place of prayer and repentance (possible unnecessary use of word there) God made things OK. I decided we weren't going to go - I have to sing at church in the morning anyway and there was no way that the way to correct a mistake is to keep persevering at it! But we were already on Gloucester Road so we made the most of it: went for a drink together and then picked up chips (from the best chippy in Bristol) on the way home! And lo, God made something good out of it... Thank you :-)

So, what's all this about love in the title? Well, the thing is that when girls get together, I can't lie, we talk about boys. We don't ONLY talk about boys but it does have a tendency to come up. If you have one, if you want one, if you don't have one, if you don't want one...! It doesn't stop being interesting. All day it had been somehow or other on the agenda and so I come home thinking about how I feel about them. Which is mixed.

As I have shared before, I have had a bit of a tendency to be in a dependent place with men. Seeing them as an easy fix for the love that we are all programmed to desire but should be finding in God. This would be an all too simple way to describe my relationship problems. Now I don't think I am worse that other people but today I want to address the common theme of conversation and share some thoughts (albeit it in a convoluted manner), which are quite the opposite of previous assertions. I don't just struggle with too much want of relationships... oh no, in keeping with the popular theme of "complicated" too often it is all about the not wanting them enough...

We are talking about fear of commitment. Or maybe not commitment but affection. Or a mixture of all kinds of scary tings. I wrote a poem t'other day that says it a lot better so I will now copy that in:

So many people are afraid of love
Afraid to feel love
Afraid to be loved
Afraid to not feel love
Afraid to not be loved
Why are we afraid?
Fear: There to protect us
A response to something more powerful than us
We fear God because he is Awesome
God is love
Is that why we fear love?

The theory: That when we fear God we need not fear anything else
Though there are many things more powerful than me there are none more powerful than He
But that does not make me think that when I fear it is always right and good
I often fear when I should not
‘Tis not my vulnerability but independency that stops me being worry free

Love
So beautiful yet so fierce
There is every chance it will destroy one heart… two… more?
We have a reaction that tells us fight or flight in the face of danger
So tell me, is that why we run and just ignore?
A threat
Keep it far away and not live to regret
A broken heart just cannot be worth the risk of it

Love
Descended from God
Corrupted for sure but in essence Oh so pure
This fear must be a lie
Born out of brokenness and all set up to make us miss what God has in store
A damaged heart is always going to be a risk when we are gambling with love less perfect than His
But remember who is in charge
The only one to fear, the reason you are here, the restorer of the broken heart
Mine will not be destroyed ‘cause God is on guard

My point? I am pretentious. More seriously, that both these extremes are negative. I have been all too down on relationships in the past I confess (eg) but at the same time I realise that they are a great example of God's love for us (read these lyrics and tell me they aren't divinely inspired) when used correctly. There is no way that God wants us to avoid dependency in relationships, romantic or otherwise, this is just another lot of deception to discover.

What is the application to life? I don't know! My hair's not long enough anyway... It's just gossip over red wine and chocolate fondue. I need to go to bed now... x

Shopping... (and extrapolated notions)

It's not always evil.

How do I know?

'Cause God took me shopping today.

Yeah right, I hear you say. Prove it. Fine I will. He bought me a poncho and a new dress!

Lots of people have the attitude of "in the world but not of the world". I can't remember where to find that but it makes sense. Gives me peace when I buy my milk from a supermarket. I don't think I've got to that bit yet (I am a notoriously slow reader and whilst I have read largish portions of the Good Book I am still very much ploughing through chronologically), I am only up to Romans 14. Which is what I glimpsed this morning before deciding that I had read enough for that day. Just enough it turns out, God even spoke to me through the casual eye I glanced over what is coming next...

Which is. Vegetables. OK, so. My point?

I have gotten on a bit of a bandwagon recently (which mostly just involves using that phrase) that has been all about women's identity and image and being trapped into living by a standard not of God. This is a great verse that has supported me in that. However, it is true to say that a lot of The Bible, Song of Solomon for example, says things like this. Beauty is not evil, indeed it is God made and totally awesome. How does a girl that is fighting against worldly judgments deal with this?

In her own way it seems. For me, recently it has been a bit like eating only vegetables. I love clothes, I love looking nice, I like coordinating my outfits right down to the makeup I wear. It brings me actual pleasure. It was also a little bit controlling and time consuming. So making the call to give all that up - no more make up, no more fussing, no more worrying about what to wear seemed in order. Basically I did let that sort of stuff take control. I would not feel happy unless an outfit was perfect - it didn't have to be "fashionable" mind. Just totally cohesive. I had to stop (or try) when I realised I still got security from it.

But in the same way that we are free to eat meat and drink wine and enjoy things in this world I am also free to look nice and have fabulous outfits. I just couldn't reconcile it with my vehemency on it not being important. I am going to a Masquerade ball at a friend's church in Bath (does anyone else think that church ball implies singles party?!) and this morning was totally wary. I had to BUY a dress. From a SHOP. And wear make up and make an effort to look lovely. How worldly and wrong is THAT!

Then God took me shopping and told me it was OK (I think the fact it was a charity shop makes it particularly OK!) by finding me the PERFECT outfit with a GORGEOUS matching feather mask without any fuss at all, as I casually wondered down Cotham Hill.

So I will look nice on Friday 'cause I am allowed and 'cause God is the one telling me I am lovely so it is OK to enjoy that. But lo and behold if I make it my top priority or my motivation when it is all about deepening this friendship and having fellowship (and no, NOT about meeting nice Christian boys actually!) and just living life in all it's fullness.

But what about the rest of the time. Well, I suppose doing it when I feel like I am free to and not when I feel it is making me. By the same premise I could drink a bottle of wine and have a cigarette if i was strong enough. Which I'm not. Everyone has their standards and weaknesses. Resisting the flesh is also REALLY good to do like in fasting to get closer to God but I have said quite enough for today and need to exercise some self-control with reference to bedtimes.

Hooray I am going to a party! And I am free to enjoy it!!

P.S. C: do you have any turquoise/gold shoes I could borrow?

Don't Let The Man Get You Down

Now, I know that the issue I am about to address isn't specifically about men being in the wrong. Nor is it always about women being attacked (though I think most would agree they they bear the brunt of it). But "The Man" doesn't necessarily mean people with willies, just a mechanism that is controlling The World, so the title stays.

I have talked about this several times before. Like here and there. But this is going to be a bit of a remix so don't run off, please!

I am becoming ever increasingly passionate about issues pertaining to women stuck in the world, being forced into an unobtainable mold with superficial expectations. There is SO MUCH more to humanity than that and it is SO not what God says it is about. Sure attraction comes into relationships and God created beauty and loves it, I know that, but having seen what the world is saying and how it is controlling, nay destroying lives, I think it is time we stopped. "We" as a race would be incredible. "We" as a faith group - can we settle for less?

Eating disorders are KILLING people in the minority, taking over and disrupting lives in a much larger proportion not to mention other kinds of disorders (tanorexia for example, addiction to plastic surgery...) and consumerism gets US ALL. (Watch this - it's a cool film and yet of course it is still both advertising and about beauty products!)

Every time we acknowledge a "flaw" and stress over it we are guilty of:
a) the dismissal of the person God made us to be, and
b) being distracted from what is actually important.

There are many things tied in here, enough to write a book about (watch this space...!) and definitely you can say to me that it is a fine line to balance keeping healthy with not caring at all; that self control comes into it; that God wants us to be the best we can be. I know and I may or may not address these things and others at some later time [for sure you can still please tell me what you think about them, I'm very much working this out as I go]. However, today I just want to say that it is time those of us in the church (as C.S. Lewis describes it: a terrible army across time and space) at the very least get out of that mind set.

We are allowing consumerism to take over and I have met very few people, and certainly am not one myself, that are totally above the worldly attitudes of attraction. There is also another debate in here as to how much preferences (still ideally kept internalised in my view) are acceptable given that, while we all seem to "fancy" different things, if our ideas come directly from our exposure to the world's view of what is and isn't "beautiful" maybe we just need put some of those aside. I don't know, sometimes I really don't know.

What I do know is that it is hard to be a "normal" person who is aware of all the judgment that flies around, that if it wasn't for Jesus' love for me I wouldn't be able to ignore it so well and that even so it can still be a struggle some days.

We need to rise above it. Christians and non- alike. We need to stop whoever baddie we believe in, be it "The Man" or "The Devil", from winning this battle and inserting insecurity and judgment into our hearts. We need to break out of the trap that tells us to dedicate time and money to insignificant nay unhelpful things. We need to stop harbouring ideas that alienate people and make them not love themselves as they should. As God does. I need to change my set of standards entirely and rethink what it is that God would say when he saw me walk into a room. What image He wants me reflect back in a mirror, not what other people want and not what I want.

It is a challenge. I don't know how to start really... Any thoughts? Do I set a budget on my moisturiser or just stop using it altogether?! First off I need to stop accepting the things I see, the things I hear, the things I think, the things I say... as, well, acceptable. The one thing I do know is that being in the place of constantly trying to live up to these expectations sucks really really hard and I am SO glad to not be there anymore.

One or two people said they liked it when I wrote poems so here's one I made earlier. You can stop reading now if you don't like it so much, I won't mind. I won't know! It's an early draft and I'm not sure about how the punctuation captures the lilt so you may have to use a bit of imagination...

Look at me
Look at me straight
In my eyes my ass, don’t hesitate to tell me what you think

My face my teeth my clothes, what lies beneath
It’s all fair game.
I’ll be ashamed or feel a queen
Or somewhere in between,
Depending on your dreams

View my soul
Then judge the whole package as it were
Do I ring your bell
or deviate from the curve?
Normal, a cycle on the machine?
Or a sign that all is well with me.
What parameters are these?
Indeed! What the hell

Look at me straight
Tell me I’m ok
With a word a look a smile a touch
I need to know that I’m enough
Don’t hesitate
All of me, right here, right now
On a plate

For the joys and for the sorrows
In sickness and health
Till death do us part, or the fire wanes in your heart
Is it death already?
Or was that here from the start.

More’s the pity
If only I’d been pretty.

Muffin Anyone? Only if it's "skinny"

I have kept silent for too long about how ruddy bloody crap the world is. Well today a good bit of old fashioned sharing of exasperations has led me to write this post. That and procrastination to avoid the fact I have a seminar to prepare for (quaking in fear... us mathematicians are not used to this).

And today the issue is going to be women, or dare I say the way in which we are objectified, pressurised and downright defiled by society.

Now, before you guys out there start complaining about this and say that men get there fair share of it from women, I know. I've seen the aero advert. I'm not claiming this is the guys fault or even a one way mechanism, simply that right now I have a bone to pick on the behalf of my gender and I'm not quitting until at least one lady stops shaving her legs.

I was having a conversation with a new friend I've made in Bristol. I'd like to take a minute to say a big "howdy and hello there" as I just sent her a link (after she twisted my arm :-P). She is a pretty cool chick and I think we have a fair amount of stuff in common. One of which is anger! But I digress. The subject of muffin tops came up...

Now for those of you that don't know what these are, and I hope that you don't because by having it in your vocabulary it simply means you have been exposed more than you ought to the crapness of media, it is the bit of your belly/sides/back that overhangs trousers at the top. Like a muffin. Now I for one think they sound a lot sexier when they are known as love handles. For two, however and more importantly, I think that if the same people that write articles about muffin tops (oh yes, this is considered newsworthy) hadn't introduced trousers that were so ridiculously low slung the wearer could not bend forward without exposing herself and half of that ever so sexy not-at-all low rising thong (g-string), then the whole phenomenon would not exist!

The sad truth is though, that instead of giving the sound advice to getting rid of muffin tops - buy a pair of trousers that fit - magazines are proporting all kinds of diets and exercises plans to generate women that spend all their time, money and energies obsessing after things that are not achievable and not supposed to be. The self-esteem of the lovely ladies in society has sunken so low as a result of the impossibility of the task that they set standards for themselves that allow the less than lovely members of society to use and abuse them. Consumerism rapes their pockets, men rape their bodies and the lies of who they are suppose to be are screaming so loudly and repeatedly in their ears that there is no space for the quite truth of a woman.

The truth that I can't help believe lies in places like this: Proverbs 31. If we could all aim to live out that character I am convinced that the pain we see demonstrated in eating disorders, unwanted pregnancies, abusive relationships, control issues, low self-esteem, self-harm, psychotic bitchiness etc etc I could go on would subside; I am convinced that the world would not be able to help slackening it's grip on the hearts of the daughters of Eve.

I don't want to start a discussion about women is the church, looking at contentious arguments about jewellery, dresses, head coverings and speaking out. Not 'cause I don't want to talk about it, not at all! Just now is not the time and I have, I confess, a lot more learning and thinking and listening to do about all this stuff. I do know, however, that as I reform my ideas on what sets aside a woman of the Kingdom from women of the world, that somethings have got to change.

What? I am not yet sure. Is it sufficient to sometimes go out with hairy legs or do I need to stop mosturising too? Maybe these things have no significance if the heart attitude is changed? I do know that as long as I pay any heed to what the WAGs are doing (Wives And Girlfriends, a distressing term coined by British media to describe the horrifying iconography of the partners of footballers in all their emaciated glory) or for even one second accept as truth what the media purports as necessary or significant, I will lose sight of my WOG (I couldn't help myself!) role model and as such the whole crux of my true feminine identity.