Backtrack

I’m blogging ‘cause I want to. Deal with it. The paper evolved to something more exciting and more manageable which is now on hold because I am having a personal crisis, so I am back. For the time being anyway.

I went on a Christian conference and stopped believing. Worse than that, I went on an Evangelism incentivating weekend and stopped loving others.

We are talking genuinely not caring about unreached people groups.

I wish I could tell you I’m better now but I can’t. I can tell you how I feel about it all though.

Like I’ve lost everything.

I draft this on a Sunday night. On Saturday I felt aflame. I had some wicked bad chats with people I care about over Christmas. Thought I was getting really excited about God’s work in my life and in how he uses/is going to use me. Even at the start of the conference I was like 'ooooh I’m getting encouragement and guidance and lovin’ all this surrender'.

Then in the blink of an eye it was gone. I was in shock. Confused. Crying a lot and just realising that the whole thing was made up. Back in March my best friend stopped being my friend when I first discovered God and said I was always bound to “‘cause I was so miserable all the time.” Oh my goodness 'they have a point' I could suddenly see. In the midst of this I have to go out and do street evangelism which either was a huge success ‘cause God wants to show he can use me in my weakness or out of some irony that it is still about how bloody good I am at approaching randoms and “fulfilling my commission”.

As I realised more and more how I just don’t care like I should about these video clips we are seeing, I must have one by one broken down in front of everyone from my “team”. Great. Now I’m attention seeking.

Later we had a Christian rock band (lol) come and do a gig and all I wanted to do was dance and love it but all I could think was “my bubble has burst and now it is over”. The worst it’s ever been since the start. I eventually ended up talking to my dear friend Grace (so glad of her name!) and the situation came down to thus: I can’t possibly just start believing again by choice ‘cause it will be fake, like I was always afraid it was and had (I thought) worked through the first time. It could be Satan backlashing to good stuff, for example how the evening before I felt I had loads of direction to write a column for the regular student paper (pray if you believe) particularly in this verse, but I can’t assume that either. The joke was that Satan lying to me is the less of two evils (the greater being that it is definitely not real, obviously).

Somehow though, I came to a bit of a point where I could, almost bizarrely, have some semblance of hope. Wrapped in irony and cynicism I concluded that there was a chance this could all be part of God working amazingly in me as a response to certain areas I have been praying about. Particularly given a friend prophesied over me in November that God would drop in really deep foundations of The Word, Hope, Faith and Love that would be incredibly painful ‘cause he wanted to do it quickly so that I was “ready” soon. The first three I have had sort of confirmation over (not that they are finished, obviously, it is always a work in progress) but I was (and still am) battling with the love (not never having it but like it was not consistent to or from me and still had a long way to go, I may explain at greater length another time). It is the greatest of these after all. Last term was not easy but it was not unbearable… and then this weekend the pain started to hit. Wow. The very opposite of love became so true for me.

So when Grace said she felt like God was doing something really deep (which I took with huge amounts of ‘yeah buts’) I shared that other prophecy and she got all excited ‘cause she said that when her sister had a baby recently she wanted it to be quick and the midwife told her it would be much more painful if it was and she just had to not resist the pain and go with it. Grace is certain that’s a word for me – that for this to happen I just need to let it hurt and see the fruit that comes straight after.

What do I think? I dunno, that I have nothing to lose I ‘spose. It’s either gonna be even better than before all this, or the worst thing ever, and both answers require simply waiting. Sure I’ll let it hurt, be it from sheer surrender or because I am too miserable about my life being over to care. Time will tell.

The funny funny thing is that since I got this decision I’ve started being less upset and more cynical. I am now doubting my doubt and think it is me trying to find something exciting in the fact that I am nearly a whole 8 months old and seeing the reality of life instead of the holiday. Yet I can’t make it happen now, even if I am subconsciously faking the pain.

So I’m just waiting for deliverance – ba dum ch. I will still keep some semblance of 'The Life' up of course, not sure how much... I just hope that God’s scale of quick is one that I can relate to. Until then, everything will just have to come with caveats. For example: God is so amazing isn’t he? Or else not at all real that is.

Wouldn’t it be strange if my blog turned non-Christian half way? I wonder what that would do to my hits?


Seriously, a post-script as I publish. I figure either I was totally wrong about all what has happened thus far and am at the brink of it going horribly wrong; or that God is Sovereign and can bring me back 'cause he is faithful even when we aren't. Apparently. There hopes to be a sequel as another day has brought development of sorts but my bed is calling me for now...

Bows Are Back in Fashion

I’m publishing this post and last Thurs at the same time.  That is because, lovely though it is, my little nest does not have much web action and I only have uni-based semi-reliable connections.  Today I am coming to you from chez-ma-soeur though I actually wrote it last night.  Sneaky eh?

So, while I cannot give you a run down on what church was like (as technically I have not been yet) I can give a bit of a low down on Bristol this week.

Well, it has rained a lot.  An old friend from Woodies came to stay on Friday and that was great – I think she just came down to see if it was really true.  Wonderful opportunity to connect with UK based Christians and do some pretty damn great bible study.

But it has rained a lot.  Went to see Mamma Mia! for the second time with my dear sister this evening (Sat) which is amazing and I can’t decide if I prefer Colin or Pierce (spelling?) in spandex grooving out to Waterloo.  I also enjoyed spending time with someone that I know is going to be an integral part in this next step of my journey.

It rained on the way back too.

Turns out, rain is a pretty standard part of life.  And it is indeed lifegiving – we would be screwed without it.  Sometimes, however, you can’t help but wish that there was a little less rain and a little more sparkly sunshineness.  Specially in this hilly region of the West Country.

And so comes the analogy…

Rain, like pain, is a part of life.  The sermon on the last day I was in Geneva was about accepting suffering and still finding joy.  What really stuck out was the idea that we spend so long trying to avoid sufferance that we think it is a bad thing.  But it is so clear that in suffering we come closer to God as we prove our faith (see bible to back up this statement) and for this reason should rejoice in it.  It is through the fire that we are refined.

I am a little bit worried that God is preparing me to suffer.  You know, when you hear a message a few times to the point that it becomes blogworthy?  I watched on Friday night the movie, correction: film, Shadowlands.  Story of C.S. Lewis.  It was really good, I thought.  The final fade out comment that he makes was that the pain is part of the joy; that you need to experience the two together.  Today in Hebrews, having just been absentmindedly sing “O-B-E-Y obey your Heavenly Dad…” (kids song from EBCG), we read the bit - here - that talks about Jesus learning obedience through suffering meaning, not that Jesus was disobedient before then, but that His obedience was not proven until He did it despite what He had to bear.

I must admit, it is a little bit unnerving.  I haven't exactly had to prove my obedience or test my faith. As yet.

But, one of my more fabulous favourite things of nature is the rainbow.  This is because it depicts to me in theory what it means in practice.  When I first visited Geneva, before I had even been offered the job, God showed me a rainbow in the jet and, though I was not a Christian and could not accept the symbolic significance of God’s promises, I could see clearly the idea that through the storm clouds shines a light and gives something beautiful.

[This isn't the same rainbow of that day in June 2007 (the big football is kinda a giveaway) but it is in the same place.]

And that, my friend, is exactly what the promises of God are about.  We have the dark clouds of pain and suffering, the light of God shining through (post tenebras…) and then the glory of His fulfilled promises hangs over our lives. 

So while it has rained a lot, and there are whisperings of suffering when it really does not feel like it and I really do not feel like it, I am glad that in all this Bristol has been going through a season of rainbows.

'Cause what with all the rain I have spotted a few this week... here is one that I snapped from my bedroom window t'other day:

[That's my communal garden out there... check out the washing line! Cute much?]

So yeah.  Have some good solid biblical stuff to finish off with as far as suffering and growth goes.  Check it out if you don't know what I mean: Romans 5:3-5.