Wendy

is my gorgeous black cocker spaniel. See?

Her and I have an incredible affinity, in keeping with the whole like your owner thing - a moody strumpet that loves to play but then gets very emotional in an instant and puts herself to bed. And lo and behold anyone who disturbs her there, the growling is her way of reminding you that one step closer and she will attack. Ask Robyn, I have a high adoreability threshold (subjective) but cross it and your life in my company is not worth living.

But I do need to learn to curb my emotions. I mean, sometimes I am somewhat legitimised in my feelings; sometimes I am physically and/or emotionally run down enough to use it as an excuse and get some pity afterwards; but never am I justified to be such a bitch.

Tonight I witnessed a scary and I do confess slightly comic thing. I was worried 'cause it produced a noise that made me think Wendy was possessed. I was amused 'cause it sounded like she was growling and hucking up huge amounts of phleghm at the same time. I was also moved to make an analogy. Alright, that last one was a bit of a lie. I was getting bored of the blog I was writing and figured (in keeping with my quick enthusiasm and short attention span) that I would start a new one.

My mum was trying to discipline Wendy. The vision is that one day she will be safe around small children. (Some might say it is about 3 years too late but good luck with trying mum!). Her method was teaching submission - pining the dog gently but firmly to the floor by the neck! Oh my it sounds cruel when you put it like that, but she got it off the telly (lol) and to be honest W was just pissed off at the idea and not really suffering at all.

Makes me think a bit about me and my discipline. Sometimes God takes us for lovely long flat walks along the canal, lets us stop when we get tired and it is always some beautiful scene or other and lovely weather. Then, just as you are enjoying life he comes along and sits on your neck. All for the benefit of being able to trust us with more important things and only a bit uncomfortable really, but not nearly as fun.

So, next time I am feeling the call to be subdued I should bear in mind that everyone else in the room will only be laughing if I make stupid noises, kick up a fuss, then go sulk in my basket. I think I would rather get the reward even if I don't like the feeling of being put in my place.

All this said, We must be careful with who is doing the discipline, or perhaps how we are doing it to others. Mum did admit (after a classic fail where Wendy just ended up grumpy and I swear to you glaring at us all from under that floppy fringe) that she had not actually seen the start or the end of the program.

So that's the tenuous message gleaned from an earlier moment of amusement. Be prepared to be submitted (if that is possible linguistically speaking) but please, be wary of people that don't really know what they're doing. Discernment is only good if it is used gently after all (thanks for that wisdom C).

A wrong move only makes a person more rebellious in the long run and then they might miss the important lessons. If your doing it, be careful; if you've experienced it, don't let it screw you up.

Ta ta! x

Convertsation (the spelling mistake that stays)

So. We are talking about Evangelism. Which is one of my more favourite things about Christianity. Not in a really condescending way or like, I am so good at being a confident Christian, I just enjoy having a totally ace, eternity spanning reason for talking to people I don't know. It justifies (wrongly) in my head the idea of being forward and chatty and my failings in the area fall far more in the sensitivity and boundary crossing camp.

Which doesn't matter too much with drunk people.

I haven't had as many opps to prostheletise (lol) recently as I did perhaps in GVA. It stands to reason that things come in seasons and I know that God plans different tasks for different times, not to mention rest. Often though, I associate being aware of His "set-ups" with being more tuned in with His will and I know that when I have a more submissive attitude then I end up in "God" scenarios like they're going out of fashion. It is just a matter of opening my eyes and being willing to compromise my own objectives.

[Aside: Taking this in the context of sustainable is hard, I struggle with the prospect of missed opportunity and not being up to task. Even sitting on a train for examples confuses me - am I supposed to constantly be in prayer for those around me; or just prayer in general; or read my bible; or some other Christian book; or some non-Christian book; or start a conversation; or listen to music... or play on my phone? The perfectionist in me struggles, fails, then gets guilty. The extremist in me burns out then crashes horrendously.]

Today I went to meet up with another pal from Genf. A lovely boy, John Mark (you may recall him? Left in Feb...) from the deep South of the U.S of A and I thoroughly enjoyed some good chat, visiting old haunts (quite lit places with ghosts of the past) in London and going to a BBQ rib house after which I spent the whole rest of the eve with a mandatory toothpick in my mouth! Fun times.

I then made it to Liverpool St Station with enough time to catch the 2318 train home and sat there reading my bible - I am adamant I will get to the end of Genesis by the end of this week. Whereupon a 60something gent sits next to me and comments that it is something you would not normally see at that time of night, in the station, particularly given my nose ring (a relatively new addition of which some of you may not be aware I realise). It was a classic and perfect opener and I don't doubt that his inclination to talk about my faith, buy me herbal tea and laugh at my jokes was a mixture of a deep rooted desire to find the truth... and a less deeprooted desire to enjoy my company while he waited for his train!

Needless to say I felt like walking away from this was just not in line with my duty, there was some good old fashion sowing and/or reaping to be done. I don't really know how I did at that, I didn't feel very convincing and he was, it turned out, an ex-lecturer. Had the whole "logic" thing working against him and I haven't taken that course yet... But I stay 'til the 0003 train and it was cool enough. The thing is it don't matter what I say really, God is the one that works in peoples' hearts, and there was something FABULOUS and out of both our control that happened.

A beggar came along and asked for 20p. I have, I think, made some small comment on how I feel about this. I "generously" gave him 50p and he said bless you (and he is right, it is far a more blessing for me to give that for him to receive). Following this, I turned to Tim (my new friend) and was like OK, let's hear it. I expected a bit of a "you know what they do with that" which I would have responded with "well, I need to show them love" which he would no doubt have pointed out as some kind of flaw in my faith.

As it happened he asked how much I gave, pulled out some loose change, offered me a pound and said would you please take this so I can tell you what I think of begging.

I was confused, bemused and took it to humour him. I thought it was some kind of analogy and accepted whereupon he explained, quite jollily, tipsily and endearingly, that times have changed; followed by something about being in Cairo. He was literally telling me stuff about his experiences of begging and it turned out the £1 was simply to buy my listening! Paying me to tolerate him was his words.

Lol. Talk about a set up. I then went through my list of thoughts - a few comments on not making an excuse to be dismissive, right to choose, their needs being greater, treating them as equal etc etc. Then, as my grand finale, I added that I believed when I gave to others that God gave far more back to me!! Jokes, he had gone and proven this without meaning to and realised it sufficiently that he wanted his pound back. Apparently it was not his intention to provide supporting evidence for my beliefs...!

I thought it was cool. God is pretty funny sometimes.

It all might sound really self-involved, like I think I have this great commission; but I do. Its called The Great Commission and is not exclusive to me. I think it is ironic that the more I have a grip on humility the more wow I get in my own life (and the inverse is also true obviously). Talk about a vicious cycle!

And so it begins again...

Odd Job Lady

Sometimes I feel a bit like God's odd job girl.

This is a familiar role 'cause I used to work as the shop girl in a florists when I was 14. I'm throwing that in because it is, in my humble opinion, one of the cooler first jobs for someone to have. It involved turning up on the day and being available for any task they so desired, from setting up the front, washing the floor, or putting out new flowers to making bouquets and funeral sheafs. In no particular order and I am not trying to make any direct analogy (getting lazy it seems).

So, what is the similarities between that and my relationship with God? Well, these days I kinda just get out of bed and say 'what today?' and then He gives me an odd job. I may have vague plans in the morning, which somehow or other tend to fit in the bigger picture; often though it is a blank canvas which by the end is totally full of lovely stuff.

I have questioned my motivation for thinking that every moment of the day is part of some orchestrated plan of the Almighty. I mean, for someone that is terrible at making decisions (well at times, mostly when it comes to what to order for lunch or where to go after church) it could seem a bit like a cop out. But things just seem to happen so much that I can't really deny it...

So. Two examples:

1) I ought to have written about last Monday at the time but I was too tired to make it coherent. I got off the tram (16) quite late at night to change at Bel-Air (setting the scene for those in the know) and get a bus home. Some guy that got off [edit - *the tram*] with me starting talking to me (you know, the biggest problem with 'bus stop men' is that they try and pick you up at the bus stop, thus rendering them totally unviable; someone should probably tell them...) but 'luckily' Sara came along and helped take away the tension. (She does this in part by giving the evangelist from the Amercian library church some of her own literature which slightly threw him off and was hilarious!). This guy was stubborn though (not the evangelist, the creep) and he decided to stay on the bus with us way past the station (where he was supposedly heading. Anyone else notice that the 16 would have taken him straight there? Defo dodge...) and I was panicking slightly 'cause she was about to get off and I was not. So I invited myself in for a cuppa. Flirt divert accomplished. We get to hers where I realise I have lost my phone. On calling it some nice French dude answers who had found it on the tram (I recall that I had indeed left it on the side for no particular reason!). I was SO 'fortuitous' I had met Sara (without who communication would have been impossible); and to be chased off the bus so I was actually able to get my phone back; and that this dude was a legend; and that he lived close by her place so we could go retrieve it...

So there we headed there (Sara, thank you for not being distressed by the lateness of this adventure and for not dying of smoke allergies in the flat!) and proceeded to pay the most random visit to people we would never ever have met otherwise. It was a bit like a crack den (in the nicest possible way) and they were really sweet and funny and we exchanged numbers and are going to try and meet up at the lake parade next week!

All this meant I had to walk home. It was about 1am, I was knackered and at the end of my joy reserves. Then I found a leopard print suitcase in the street en route!!! Talk about a blessing... and a perfect end to a crazy night. Now, just before I came to GVA I ordered a full set of leopard print luggage but when it arrived late it was tacky and fragile and incomplete. All that and far to expensive with it. Suddenly, just when I was not expecting it I am given a quality one in perfect timing which totally meets my packing needs. And free! I love the analogy between the failed attempt before and the gift now. My new-life-in-Jesus wheeliecase!

2) Then there was today. Having prayed with Robyn last night for direction on where to put our energies this summer I started today with a bit of a plan. First off was breakfast with a friend from church (exciting enough in it's own right about music with the homeless and also a praise party project at church but too much for now) after which I was going to help with engaGE at the JdeM kitchen. They were not open (I knew that but would anyone listen!) so I headed home. Was most of the way there when I realised I had lost my brown velour Dolce and Gabbana waistcoat. Retraced all the way to the lake but no luck, bummer.

But what a worthwhile sacrifice (it was pretty ugly anyway) as it triggered a change of direction and a real answer to prayer. I remembered in town that I had some shopping to do anyway and then when I was leaving Manor (having decided to not shop for clothes I did not need and could not bring home) I bumped into Sara... who was heading to another engaGE project (which was running) at Voix Libres. They had lots of stock to organise and whatnot and were a *bit* low on people. Well, the afternoon was spent doing fabulous re-labelling of Quinoa, finding a worthwhile project that really needs people to help and would actually appreciate volunteering (as opposed to the scary French ladies who don't know they need me(jokes!)) and seemingly a great opportunity to both serve and practise my French. And, randomly, to talk about God in an incredibly receptive atmosphere. It was quite remarkable.

You may think "Kat(i)e most of that is hardly 'working' for The Lord is it, at some points it is Him working for you..." Fair enough, it is not a hard life but I still find that every day, whether it is volunteering and feeling good about yourself; taking street people for icecream and learning loads (my favourite quote "I've never tasted bad icecream, have you?" sums up the philosophy of that happy gent); being blessed with sunbathing and friendship and BBQs or just tidying the flat, is a day for doing His will. For one thing, He wants us to be happy and enjoy life! I like it a lot, I never had so much purpose and I never felt less of a need to achieve. I love how He keeps clarifying His love and provision 'til I can barely argue back (though I still do at times). I think maybe one day doubt will end up 'dying the death of a thousand qualifications'. I mean, as a scientist, how much evidence does one need??

Watch this space for comments on men in the church, men in the world and, hopefully, lots of non-feminist and a few non-religious things too... My list of ideas is growing at a faster rate than my availability; I don't know how people find time for a job!