...but it doesn't mean He won't

Arggggh! Two people have commented to me today on something about my positive blogging blah blah etc etc... and it made me laugh 'cause they clearly hadn't read the last post I wrote.

I drive myself mad with the ups and downs of hope and faith.

Whilst what I said is technically true [EDIT: in that we can't know what God will do] I do realise that the way I said it didn't testify to God's love for me. That is, it implied quite strongly He don't care about the details of my life which I believe (albeit by faith and not necessarily feeling right now) He does. It sounds a lot like me being resigned to a meaningless existence in which what I do both doesn't matter and doesn't last.

Neither of which are true. Firstly, God just plain cares. Loving us to reach our potential and making it accessible to us when we struggle, because He likes to do so and likes us to be happy (granted sometimes growth takes priority). Blimey, if the University has an Access Unit then of course God does (there is probably a whole angelic division called Widening Participation).

Secondly, and this is something that makes for a full post at a later date if I get round to it, what we do now does last. That is why there is a finite bit then an infinite bit to life. If it was all about the infinite then we may as well just skip straight ahead... but it's not. Ergo - bothered.

Well, errrrr, there's some good theory for you. I will keep you posted on the practice since so far today the bulk of my achievements has been to write a song about snow. Isn't it lovely?

Bah Humbug

I am such a boring old fart. I've had it with Christmas parties. Everyone pretending it is going to be amazing when really it is just hyped up normal time but with people more uncomfortable, stressed, with silly expectations and sore feet. Don't get me wrong, all 4 of the ones I've been to so far have been enjoyable (went to a Ceilidh tonight!)... but it's hard work to keep merry for that long and I usually want to be at home curled up on the sofa with a cup of tea.

I really am old before my time. But it is difficult. I go to uni with people who are all at least 2 years younger than me and I already feel older than I am most of the time (I keep accidentally lying about my age). I hate being a student. I hate the stereotype and the funny hours and the lack of respect and the way people assume you like to stay up late and get wasted. I don't. I like to stay up late and write my blog and if I do drink alcohol I almost always want to fall asleep afterwards.

I still love learning. I have that to be thankful for. Today I had an exam worth 25% of my French unit and, while there are loads of things that weren't amazing and the listening was chronic, I was a bit prepared. And all because I did work! Which sounds pathetic and I don't want to self curse but I do find work very very hard to concentrate on. But today, in the space of about 5.5 hours I did I'd say at least 2.5 worth. Mixed up with chilling and eating and showering and playing the piano and all other good stuff. OK it sounds ridiculous but for me that was a miracle and a sign, a HUGE sign, that God is actually working in my life.

My second presentation last week was another one. The first I did before visiting La Suisse and I was grateful I managed to do anything (I had been so scared it wouldn't work out and I would lose all faith in God). The second one I genuinely believed that He would be there and He was. I remember saying to myself that this was not going to be fun but it was going to happen... and it did! And it went quite OK too - got a few laughs and that's what philosophy of maths is about afterall... I actually feel more faithful. I think.

What am I even talking about? There are two points me thinks. I am amazed and delighted that my work is starting to turn a corner. I am a boring Scrooge today that has lost her Christmas cheer and feels in limbo.

But I must remember what dear Jo said to me tonight. It was about my hair. She has wonderful long locks that I want badly but she said that sometimes she just wants to be short and choppy and crazy. That I need to get it out on my system now so that when I have it long I won't pine for the funky times. Transferring that to the analogy and fit it together with some of the other disconnected thoughts I've been having recently and I suppose one could say I need to live young, free and single while it lasts. Enjoy the journey, enjoy the crazy funky cool mystery that is not really knowing what is going on and be fresh while I still am (given that I am not actually physically that old comparatively and definitely not spiritually). I don't really know how much longer the hair will be short anyway. Could be weeks, could be years. Better make the most of it! Spike it up a bit and don't force the parting before it is really there...

I am just hoping I can do these things from the comfort of my own living room.

P.S. My blogging is off form at the moment. Sorry. Don't give up, I've got some good 'uns up my sleeve... Laters.

To Eat or not To Eat, that is the question...

Fasting: this is really good to do. I have had amazing success in fasting for the purpose of seeing breakthrough in prayer. I have had amazing connections with God and hearing His still small voice. I have also had absolutely awful experiences, some when my attitude has been wrong, some when it has been right and I don't know why.

I was fasting through Advent and treating it like a Lent period for me. I thought it was a really good idea. Thing is I am trying to pray for different people every day like and really want good cheer and hope to be spread through this season and be for life, not just for Christmas. So my advent calender is a list of 24 different people and I decided to do a fast until Christmas eve.

I especially thought it was a good idea given that Christmas is a season for lack of self-control and I notoriously have this (as I have shared before) and want to work on it in all areas of my life. So I figured showing discipline in eating is a good way to go about it and would bring me closer to God in this season and deal with something that sometimes gets in the way.

How is fasting for me? Some people say it is about being hungry so they remember to pray. I get that, I do it, but it isn't the main thing. I think the best way I understood fasting was that by not giving in to you fleshly demands of hunger you can somehow get out of this physical mindset and be in a place that can get closer to God by tapping into your spiritual side more. I know that's vague and feel free to correct or expand or whatever...

So anyway, when a friend was doing a lunch fast on the 1st December it just felt right to do it too. Then to carry it on till the 24th... Right?

The thing I hate about humanity is fickleness. How can we be so sure of what we want or what we think we have to do one minute and then the next be completely confused by how wrong it suddenly seems. I get so much comfort out of knowing that at least God gets me 'cause so much of the time I really don't!

First day it was great. Second day I was like, OK, there is a difference between enduring hunger and being too weak to concentrate on my studies. Plus I was not eating day time but getting to the evening and being really really hungry so having big dinners; and also thinking "I need energy for the day so I'll have a big breakfast". Which ended up looking like it had the potential to become a binge-starve-binge sandwich (or not!) and defo not what it was all about. I have a tendency to do things to extremes but I knew this was not good so I decided on day 3 that, though it had been really successful it was not prolong-able, and I would have a fast involving disciplined regular meals and being really strict with myself. Lol, you'll love this, I told my friend in an email:

"I am now doing a 'no snacking or seconds or unneccesarily eating etc' fast as it was starting to feel a bit legalistic."

Now, am I right or am I right that this statement epitomises legalism?!

No snacks, seconds, cake, treats, fun... friends, pleasures, comfort, central heating, nice clothes... hell I should just go live in a cave and pray.

That drove me mad. Suddenly I wasn't even sure when I was allowed to eat. I didn't know if my hunger was hunger or if it was seeking comfort or gratuitous pleasure in food. It felt like I was damned if I do and damned if I don't. I didn't think about it much till after I got my presentation finished on the 4th day [Thank God so much I got that done - it was pushed to the far edge of available time but my ability to eventually concentrate was nothing short of miraculous and it feels like God is growing my faith in such things by leaving me wholly dependent on Him to help me.] but then, suddenly, I was like "What now?". Can I have half an hour of peace, maybe a nice lunch, before I get into the discipline? Am I allowed a biscuit with my tea if I'm still hungry or is it only dry bread? Argggggghhhh! I was tired, I was stressed, nothing was right because legalism vs consumerism is not a pretty fight and so I went to bed till my sister came round after work. Granted I needed it after an early start and 5 hours straight of Philosophy of Maths (!) but going to sleep to avoid dilemmas is probably not what Jesus what have done.

So where am I now? Apart from extremely grateful that C could step up and be wise and supportive and helpful when I needed it? Living each day in God and not forcing a thing I suppose. Remembering that He said really clearly there is no condemnation. I suppose my rule (which is something I've heard and heard and heard and not absorbed then suddenly it just became real to me) for how to live an "extreme" (nay any) spiritual life is:

Only do what I want to do and learn to love God more so that my desires reflect His heart. Then it should all be easy.

Easy is as easy does. Anything's easy if He is our strength (some verses in Isaiah, 2 Corinthians, Matthew). I can't even have a cup of tea without.

This is going to be a Christmas to remember

I am so excited about Christmas. Starbucks menu started weeks ago and the first taste I had of Christmas cake was magical. Now I feel like I am ready to start my own personal official Christmas season…

For this is my first real Christmas. The first one when I can know the joy of my dear Saviour’s birth – ‘cause now He is that. Where a nativity scene makes me go actually wow and I don’t think about consumerism or any of that crap but truly have a different priority (despite the Starbuck’s reference!). I’m going to have a Christmas that is all about what it’s supposed to be…

Except, really there isn’t a biblical model for Christmas is there? No-one from the New Testament went around on the 31st December (or any other date) saying let’s keep Christmas about the important things. There is no guidance on how to be a Christian at Christmas and, especially given the fact that it was first based upon a pagan holiday, one might suggest the best way to be is to take down the tree and carry on as normal. Or at least break with the world traditions and any habits that aren’t strictly “kosher”.

But I like the tree. And I love buying presents for people (get me I’m already four up and have a whole month to go! That is organisation…). Jingle Bells do make me rock and I have been listening to Christmas music for a while now with no shame whatsoever. Sparkly lights and port by the fire, could you want for more? Can’t wait for the open air ice rink so I can get out my skates from Geneva and I LOVE a good Christmas classic on the telly. The way I see it there is no set formula for Christmas cheer and I am not giving up my crackers and baubles on a whim.

I am going to be intentional though. Starting today it is Christmas season and I want to spread joy and good cheer too all mankind. Wishing peace, showing love, delighting in the good things of life. Really this is just all things that being a Christian is kinda about and I don’t want to limit it to seasonality so I’m going to kick start it now but the plan is that the attitude of Christmas remains around a long time after the tree comes down.

Talking of which, it goes up today (and is Hot Pink!). ‘Tis the first year in my own home and I am excited to be starting my own traditions… which include decorations going up a month before to enjoy the season all the longer and also because it will be my half birthday every year. That’s right, 6 months since the B and going strong!

There are some really wonderful ideals for Christmas that do go beyond the cheesy superficial overcommercialised notions. But honestly, they aren’t just great ideas every now and then are they? In the same way dog is for life not just for Christmas I don’t really get why we would limit hope, peace, good will, love, generosity, joy, celebration and (maybe) talking about Jesus to once a year. The one thing I would say is perhaps we need to add in to the mix self-control…

Bring on Christmas with all your manmade glitz and idealism. Man gets a lot of things right too and it can be all too easy to focus on the bad things. Made in the image of our creator I reckon this is the season to share these good things and I don’t want to slag off something which values loads of good things too. It is a shame “They” have taken the Christ out of Christmas and that people call in the “winter holidays” instead but that does not mean we can’t enjoy being people together and sharing the love of our kindredness.

Touching Base

I am still alive. I am not going to write anything particularly insightful, inciteful, witty or interesting and I am tired. I just feel out of touch with BGB and like I should say hello. You are the most meaningful relationship in my life!

In current news: Cleo has been living with me since last Friday (2 weeks) and has been lovely though a bit gross at times. I drafted a post on that so will leave you in suspense...; I have been really busy but found time to do nothing which was great! More of the same soon please...; I spent 4 hours this afternoon colouring in whilst I helped woman a stall for Voix Libres and they tried to raise money. It felt a bit strange bringing people in to get stuff from them - doing children's work is supposed to be a sneaky way to give them something I thought. Still, have a really pretty picture now and have touched base with my "altruistic" side; carrot eating is not gonig so well - I am averaging 7 on a good day but today I only had three :-( I will probably drink a litre of juice before bed to make up for this; praying is going not much better - I was on a role but then I went and got all despondent and deflated. Will try and bulk up on that before bed too...; Going to my first wedding as a Christian this Saturday. In England. In Snodland moreover. Exciting. Felt like God thinks it's a good idea as the invite was *quite* last minute but it all feel "right" y'know. Am going in fancy dress; I have forgotten how to use punctuation and have no intention of proofreading this for signs of intelligence; things I have been struggling with include feeling like maybe I was overdoing it on the whole God is in charge thing as a way to avoid dealing with life - I realised I can't without Him. But I am slowly working out that while, yes, we are supposed to learn independence over time we are still, overall, subject totally to His will (or if not then by default unfortunately subject to whatever passing danger can find us) and can rest in the fact that He sets us up to survive with things like common sense, freewill (used wisely) and all sorts of stuff like that. I feel like I am being let go of a bit, like a toddler taking first steps, and am not enjoying it and questioning whether the hand is there but when I do fall He props me back up and slowly I think I am catching on that the love has not changed, I have just stepped up a notch.

Hmmm, that was profound wasn't it? I'm even starting a new paragraph to acknowledge that, right now, I am in a place of being let go and finding it scary but now I have worked it out through venting I think I will be ok. I am struggling with the balance between being too scared to go alone and not ignoring God's input and the need to ask for help. I think it is a matter of knowing that He chose my time and place (tried to find the verse, not going to happen) and that I don't need to pray over every date I put in my diary. That said, I am pretty hopeful the wedding counts as significant enough to attribute to God, it is a pretty big upheaval otherwise.

In other news, I am approaching the issue of chucking useless stuff away. The fear I can't combines with the fear I have not changed really, just going through a phase. Screw fear, today I let Caro do my washing up. All things are possible! Allelujah.

I want to stop writing now. I will do some more soon. Oh. I had a thought today. For those Christians out there, I want to start a new man hunt campaign and this time someone that won't find out and knows me. So, I propose that we all start praying for Russell Brand. American's, looking him up it is worth it. Seriously, would that not be the BEST conversion EVER and talk about an interesting follow up biography: "My Conversion Wersion". Or quelque chose comme ça. Seriously, get praying.

Night.

P.S. Just heard that the kickboxing class at my old gym has finished. One of the few good things I was looking forward to going back to in Bristol (as opposed to all the bad things I was looking forward too!). Sad, but also feels like it is cutting ties to past life and now I will find something new. Hmmmm... think think think, one less consistent thing to tide me over but one more freedom too.

I am the way the truth and the light?

This is the post I started writing two days ago but I tangented off on the background information and there was too much going on to sensibly publish the two.

There are a lot of different takes on the message of Christianity.

For example the other day I saw two men, who looked like they could not really be any older than 20, dressed in matching suits with name tags. The only print big enough to read was Elder [followed by name] and then Jesus Christ. I really wanted to ask them who they were - Google tells me possibly Latter-day Saints?

Then I met my first Rastafarian. That was interesting.

It was of course one of my friends from the JdM. While we were hanging in the park on Tuesday the predominant conversation ended up being about God. Cool. I ignorantly did not consider that given he was from Jamaica and talking about God and Jesus but with all these additional theories might mean he was in fact Rasta. It took me going home and looking up the King of Ethiopia to understand that his ideas were standard doctrine of that faith. Very eye opening that is for sure.

The four of us had such an amazing time. We discussed and debated things on so many levels and I was really challenged by some of what they had to stay. And a little disturbed by other things! Each one of them had very different view points and I tell you what, they knew their stuff! I am glad I got a mini bible for my baptism as it sure came in handy to have it in my handbag. At one point a friend of theirs walked by and said "What you believing that for, it was written by white men?" at which one of them turned round and replied "Don't give the white man so much credit!" The history of slavery and the appalling way that religion was used as a way to quell and control has not left people unmarred. Yet through this still others were denying the theories and saying "Don't let that tarnish the truth of it". Lindell told me that all he really thought mattered was love; and you know what, greater men have said that. I felt God in that conversation and it wasn't just 'cause He came with me.

One cool story from David the Rastafarian. His daddy asked him to go get his hammer and twice he went to look and could not find it. The third time he was sent the father said you better bring that hammer or you will be sorry. Apparently this man was the kind that would make sorry known in a less that passive manner. So, boy-David runs up to his room and prays really hard that God would help him find the hammer. When he opened is eyes it was there in front of him!

A conversation I had the other day with a friend of a friend about what it means to be a "church person" completely challenged me, as a recent acceptor of formal religion, to remember that people who do not follow my beliefs may have a real relationship with the Almighty God. He really is not as legalistic as we paint Him to be.

So. Am I saying that I think people from every faith or belief system have the same salvation as me? Well, I'm going to come out and be all fundamentalist about this and say No. Sorry but Jesus did say "I am the way the truth and the life, no-one gets to the father except through me." However, bearing in mind I had a relationship with God before I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Saviour, I think it is safe to say that Christians do not have a monopoly on being loved by Him.

The way I see it we are all on a journey. There may be things that we do not understand or even accept about what other people hold true, but judgment is not where it's at. All we can do it live our own journey out, show them love and remember God is faithful. To everyone.

I would like to conclude this with a quote from my favourite Rastafarian:
"If you look deep within yourself and ask the question of the Most High, He will reveal Himself to you."
Tell me that man doesn't know God.

P.S.
On the project progress front I have a friend that is a squat visitor/music teacher, who shares my vision and would be here for the long-haul. Also there is a venue we seem to be able to use with people there that are keen to see this happen. I am a little overwhelmed... That said, take everything as it comes. All I know right now is that God is blessing these relationships (saw them again yesterday and we had a proper improv-sesh where they were teaching me to rap!) and so they shall go on. This isn't 'Sister Act' but it is ten times more exciting 'cause it is real.

Bye Bye Baby (don't make me cry)

Today I was supposed to be meeting a friend at their place early. She lived across town and I was to be there at 8.30 so I could help get her and all her cases to the airport where she would thus depart back to the USofA. Sadness. Also standard Geneva occurrence so we all get pretty hard hearts to it (till it's our turn that is... not thinking about that yet though).

So it was a bummer that my wake up call never happened. I only realised as my cell (nope, I can't/won't do it. It is a mobile; I already called my fringe bangs on Saturday I must stop this before it takes over) rang: it was 8.30 and I was 1 hr minimum from being at her place. Major whoops!

The thing that really peed me off about this whole situation was that I had really wanted to help her out and what I actually managed to do was make her life harder as she had to get down the hill with all her bags (instead of dropping one off the day before) while I rushed over to meet her at the bank so I could help get to the airport at the very least. I hate letting people down and it is rubbish to know that even when I want to be good I am still a fallible human. What hope is there if we can't even rely on ourselves?

I suppose that is what God is for. I mean I was crap and a total let down but still she met someone that gladly helped her to the bus stop (a good 10 minutes down a steep hill in the pouring rain); I got there in record time and met her easily; we got to the airport fine and she still at least got someone to say goodbye to (not to mention she was very forgiving of my faux pas); her flight had been rearranged the day before which was going to make her change in London a LOT easier and as we prayed in the luggage queue for her to not be over-allowance she gets to the desk and they say she had 32 not 23 kgs. Wow! (Some may argue a bummer she did not know sooner I suppose, but that does not help me make my point! She would have struggled to get 64+ kilos on a bus at the other end anyway...).

We then sat in the restaurant and had a drink and a cry and a bit of a pray. We were sitting eyes shut (I know, how cliché) and when we opened them someone had left a pile of napkins on the table for the purposes of tear wiping! How lovely is that?! Awww. People aren't always rubbish now are they?

But I have learnt plenty of other times that they can be (rubbish that is... haven't we all?!) and it is hard to realise that oneself can be too. I suppose it is humbling in a way and reminds us not to be pissed at the people that let us down since we are all just as crappy. The tenuous lesson I would like to take from today (just because I can) is therefore that people can suck, they can be great but that God is always spot on. (Well as evidence thus far proves. All scientists know that it takes infinite successful experiments to prove a theory and only one failed one to disprove it, so we have to agree after "many" trials that something seems consistently reliable, build our whole life upon it and hope that it doesn't all fall apart at the last variable. But then, it's either that or have no theory at all...)

Bye bye Andrea, you will be missed... See you in Nashville!!

Stop The Press

I was going to write about a fun time had with rafting today (though I am now publishing on Sunday as I never got round to finishing the post). First day back in Geneva and I went off on some rapids going at it hardcore and even swimming down a mini-waterfall. Cool or what!

But then something even more amazing happened... I lost my virginity!! Shock value is to be attributed to Robyn, you know what that saucy minx is like. Today was the first time I ever drove a car on the 'wrong' side of the road. Actually it was the right side but it definitely felt strange.

Kudos to be attributed to Beautiful Brian for being so muchos generous and trusting of me with his mega beast of a car. (Though I did later find out he is already scheduled in for a paint job in two weeks!) We were having a BBQ and had shamefully forgotten the marshmallows so he the darling that he is said I could take his car to the Intermarché down the road. I did a roundabout and everything!! And I know that other people were happy for me 'cause I got all kinds of lovely encouraging beeps ;-)

Yeah, first time on the other side; first time in years in an automatic (you may think it's easier but when you are using the break as a clutch...); first time in 6 months that I have even been on the road and all this in a giant 4x4 machine. Good thing I prayed!

The rafting was excellent as well and yet another new experience. As was the dins afterwards: I tried the North America treat smorges (sp??) which takes the classic melted mallow and sandwiches it between Graham Crackers and then adds chocolate. Those Yanks sure like to take things to a new level... Also, beforehand me and the Mr/Mrs went to the international school fair (kurmesse) and set up a stall for her peace building work - I got to do hand printing!! We had a whole judo class dressed in white join in, so yet more risk taking...

Taking risks. It is fun and the results are all the better for it, since you would never have the win if you didn't make the gamble. I have not really mentioned my time in Zurich yet, simply cause I have been 'quite' busy, but I learned a lot there not least about the idea of healing. I know God can do it and I am quite excited to think that maybe 'one day' I will see it first hand in a really real way but well, why not make one day today?

Miracles in general are a tricky thing since, let's face it, they don't always happen the way we ask. I mean take healing: the Bible says ask and it shall be given; it also says that God wants to see people made well and Jesus certainly never picked and chose. So when you look at 'failed prayers' there is a lot of space for potential hurt and confusion. And one of the reasons is that the issue of insufficient faith get bandied about. Well, I asked the guy at the meeting and he was pretty cool about it. He said that Yes, faith is integral but in so many ways. The faith of the receiver, the prayer, even other people around can all be seen in different bible stories (lady who bled, when the disciples prayed, the friends of the guy who got lowered...) but lack of faith is not sufficient to get in the way of healing if God so desires.
"What if some did not have faith? Will their lack of faith nullify God's faithfulness? Not at all!" (Romans 3: 3&4a)
So I think that attaching blame or judgment to those that do not see healing just isn't on.

Because the thing is, we can never understand what God is doing in the bigger picture. There is a difference between getting to know God better and getting to know God and He will always surprise us if he wants to. (Aside: I was saying today that in the past two weeks I had been 'wise' twice! A 'good friend' turns round and says to me that maybe my spiritual gift is Surprise! Meanie. Not totally biblical but totally funny as an idea of what that gift might look like... Back to God...)

One of the key things about the whole question though does seem to be boldness. We need to be able to ask God and be prepared for bad answers, no answers, rejection and foolish appearances. (On the subject of foolish appearances I was sitting on the train from Zurich to GVA yesterday and had a lovely seat: quiet carriage and space to even put my feet up and rest on the table. Then the ticket man comes along and I had even learnt to have my demi-tariff ready. Not sufficient. He looks at it then at me and sternly points out that I was in 1st class. Whoops! I had not meant to at all, it was one of those double decker trains and I didn't know they did classes. Nothing is worse than packing up and realising for the first time that everyone around was really posh and must have been looking at me dodge the whole way; then walking through all the other carriages with people clearly knowing why you were moving; and then arriving in 2nd class to realise that the reason the guard didn't trust you was 'cause it was choca block with soldiers and football fans and they all saw me looking for a seat with 3 bags in tow and probably also knew that I had been, how shall we say it, dislodged? Good thing I don't have to be ashamed anymore isn't it! Back to God...)

But it is hard not to feel foolish or indeed afraid of being let down. That is where the risk taking comes in. Sometime asking God for a miracle is the biggest risk of all because your faith has the potential to be damaged or nullified if the results are not what you hoped.

For example...

I was trying to unscrew a really tight bit on an easel today and it would not budge. So, I thought: let's pray. If God can release demons He sure can loosen bolts. I was totally confident in this new exciting idea of the miraculous and yet it was not moving. Bit deflating actually 'cause even though I am aware that you can't assume God would answer just so, in a way I was like "why not?" Doesn't He wants to help and bless us and is generally the King of the Universe...?

Anyway, we get on with the problem solving and two minutes later I realise that that bolt did not need undoing. In fact, it was holding a large part of the construction together...! I can truly see now that that prayer was not one to be answered.

But what would have happened if there was not this saving factor of a reason? How could I have reconciled that unanswered prayer? Well, maybe the thing is that there always is - a reason that is. Somewhere God has underlying purpose, we just need to be aware that we cannot always understand it. There are constructions that are harder to figure out than the mechanical design of an easel.

So, risk taking is scary. And I think more so with God than in the physical world (unless the physical world involves being fully dependent on God to be your own personal ski instructor! I will not go on another tangent today though...) as there you can see the full extent of the outcomes and have a rough idea of what you are working with. But, with that step of boldness comes huge rewards and so given the screw was not a complete let down maybe next time I will try for sommat else...

Sorry about the length of the post. Everyone that reaches the end gets a Gold Star!