It's been a vast expanse of a day. Academic and personal developments... it all comes at once, seemingly.
Starting on a big fat wad of joy I have to say I think that for now I've come back to being on top of it all. So glad to be spending some ace quality time with God recently, loving reading the word again and generally feeling good! I say this straight because it ain't that common and it is fabulous when it seems as real and peaceful as this. I have even been working with an attitude of doing it for God despite what I can achieve wordlyly, which is not at all how I felt a few days ago... so I'm lovin' it while I can..!
I don't really know how much to share. I'm gonna do what I normally do and go for honesty over restraint, which I may regret later but the worst that can happen is I look stupid... and there is no shame in the Kingdom!
Today is a significant one in the personal calendar of Kat(i)e because it is exactly a year since the last time I saw someone who used to be one of, if not the, most significant person in my life (they're not dead mind). There is tons of history I have no interest in going into but the short version is that I feel I was moved to Switzerland because God was taking me out of this really unhealthy dependent relationship so I could get free! Which has happened in a huge way. So huge that I never in my wildest dreams would have predicted it and back then the idea of life without him was as scary and alien to me as scary aliens.
So this morning I wondered about if I should wonder about it. 3 years is a long time in the life of a 21 year old (especially as I don't remember most of the early ones) so part of me felt like I should register and ponder on what it all means. The truth was, I didn’t know how I felt. How should I commemorate this? Write a song, an extra verse for another song, a poem, a novel, a play? I still have aspirations for a musical but the plots lines are more befitting of a soap opera than an actual opera! A fake letter, a real letter, pour my heart out into a journal that nosey grandkids may read? Perhaps I should blog I thought; I dismissed this for a time but it seems I have cracked...! Thing is though, it all felt a bit like an obligation and as I tried to express I really had nothing to think. This memory belonged to someone so distant from me it didn't make sense to analyse. I wasn't interested. I wasn't even sure what was real and I didn't care either.
Of course this lack of interest interested me! I got pretty darn excited by the fact I didn't give a damn. A new sense of freedom flooded me and I wrote a journal, a poem, a song AND a verse about moving on! And now a blog...
So is that it? Well no, 'cause that's untested. I am fine, see me smile. Later in the day (about an hour ago actually) I came a bit more earthward and felt swamped by life (specifically the aspects pertaining to the philosophy of maths). Still impressively (not my ability but I am grateful for it) undespairing but kind of morose, I leave the library an unhappy mathematician. Momentarily overwhelmed I wanted to cry quite a lot. And so I settle into my ipod for the trudge home with this message ringing in my ears:
"It Must Have Been Love but it's over now. Save Tonight, 'cause I'm Lost Without You and tomorrow you'll be gone, Leaving me working my way Through The Dark. This Same Girl is Still With You so please just Stay Another Day 'cause You may be Forgiven but you'll never be Forgotten. I Still Miss Someone and They Can't Take That Away From Me."
You know what? Sometime random is just wrong. I kept skipping tracks and I kept finding numbers that wanted to indulge my inner Mood Indigo... but instead I Dried My Eyes. I'm well out of the dark actually, I Suddenly Saw a long time ago and have been On My Way From Misery To Happiness for ages. The only person I ever have and ever will be Lost Without is J.E.S.U.S., Yes! He is my First, Last, My Everything. I Walk Away and I realise that That's What The Love of God Can Do. That's what the love of God did do. Hence the feeling like I'm living in a Whole New World.
I'm always going to hit these low moments, especially when I am in the process of being refined, no sense in denying it. But how good does it feel to know that this particular era of self-indulgent misery is in the past! I can find plenty of other ways to throw myself a pity party but that door seems to be officially closed and I am so glad I got to both realise and confirm it. Also, I know that with the highs comes the lows and that is just the "egg-card" balance (obscure Brit-TVAd reference). I don't mind. When I'm up I'm too optimistic to fret it and when I'm down I can look forward to being back up!
So umm, I don't really have a concluding paragraph. Ah well, you can read the poem if you're that way inclined. It's one of them ones with 'looser structure':
One whole year
366 days
Such a lot can happen
Priorities change
Yesterdays fade and make space
To embrace a different Way
What a cliché
“Year ago today”
Do I really care?
Is it not just obligation that recalls?
The tiny details of the past
They make a nice contrast
But that’s all
The only use of pain as I see
Is a reminder of how I came to be free
Do not dismiss the reality of misery
But embrace it, to mark the path to liberty
A milestone
Who’d have thought that I was built for endurance?
Long distance seems so boring
And hard
It will surely wear me down before long
But long has gone
My legs grew strong
And as I came to love the run I looked around
At what I would have missed were I still underground
From the rising to the setting sun
Trees in fields, mountaintops, valleys glisten with dewdrops
Now I’d welcome that flock of sheep
That I once feared when lost
I was asleep
Eyes shut, arms crossed
Then suddenly they were opened
and the glare ached
Until the spots had cleared and revealed the Truth
I though my heart would break
but instead it was renewed
What would I say
if I went back
a year ago this very day?
Crocodile tears are all that I could offer while my former cried
Quite estranged
So I write to recognise the inconceivable distance I've come
Not to revisit some long gone strife
Done with that, I celebrate Life
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Happy Love Day!
I wasn't going to do it but the opportunity for a Valentine's post was just too much!
I have this male friend who likes to send Valentine cards to his girly friends every year. I think he just thinks we would like it. He texted me earlier this week to see if I was still cool with it. The way he asked really quite annoyed me: the friendly (and that is all there is to it) suggestion was that in my "prettiness" (wasn't even about my all-round fabulousness, grrrrrr) I shouldn't not get one. I turned it down as politely as I could.
Where to begin?! Shallowness aside and ignoring the assumption that I wasn't going to receive any otherwise (I get the irony that I am bothered by this!), I have to say that I really do take offense to the idea that a girl's (nay person's) worth is measurable by whether someone sends them a [fake] sentiment on a predestined occasion! A crappy festival where most of the messages in cards these days are rude or suggestive and almost all the motivation is consumer driven. I can't believe how much people will spend to try and impress their partners at the time of year when everything is more expensive (I used to work in a florist, it is shocking) and any gesture made is more than likely to be mass produced.
I'm trying not to sound bitter at being alone on Valentine's Day. I'm really not, singleness is something I sometimes struggle with (though the idea of not being is often a lot more scary!) but today of all days I am glad to be out of that mess. I can take my moral high ground without having to worry about being chuffed at what my boyfriend does for me, or being narked if it isn't original enough, or being shocked by how much he spent, or quietly disappointed that he didn't think I was worth more...! It is a right ole mess. Even if you decide together to not buy into it I reckon the pressure from couples around you whispering that you aren't as "in love" as they are would be a bit of a bind.
Awww. Poor cynical Kat(i)e. I want to see the good in these things, I really do. But the stock's been out since straight after Christmas, we are in the middle of a credit crisis (though granted that is old news and people don't want it to spoil their "fun") and too many people are in relationships that are stop gaps because they are lonely and afraid of not getting a Valentines... what is with this "love" culture..? 'Cause then of course you end up with a load of broken hearts and baggage and fear and old cards with cheap sentiments that people won't throw away or accept that it wasn't never that good but even if it was it's over now; and all this gets fed round the cycle again into more fragile even less sincere relationships with increasingly vulnerable and damaged people. Oh the sadness.
I've been reading Stuff Christians Like, which I do sometimes and it can be pretty good. They had this "share about being dumped" post which was quite interesting (though several of people's comments were either far too open or still bitter. I, of course, found just the right balance...!). One girl said that her boyfriend told her that God told him to give her up like Abraham did with Isaac. He actually drove her off in his car somewhere quite remote to do it - I'd have gotten out screaming! The thing with that though is I don't really think that God would say: "I'm asking you to give Sally (random name) up so that when you show you are willing to I will give her straight back to you." Duh. He was wrong in the end, they didn't have a reconciliation and give birth to a nation. Probably for the best, brains like that.
I bet everyone has at least one crappy relationship story. Mostly best unshared, nay unremembered. I tell you, there are a lot of reasons to be glad for singleness! Bring on the convent...
Though perhaps I've bought too strongly into this stance of independence and it all seems a little too much like the fear I described above. Having started to take my lead from nuns these days it's quite ironic, don'tcha think, that my all time favourite one chucked it in for a bloke: "Climb Every Mountain!"
A little too soon to be worrying that I am heading toward self-inflicted spinsterhood, me thinks. Still, gotta love it when a running theme follows to it's logical conclusion and bites you on the bum! ;-)
I have this male friend who likes to send Valentine cards to his girly friends every year. I think he just thinks we would like it. He texted me earlier this week to see if I was still cool with it. The way he asked really quite annoyed me: the friendly (and that is all there is to it) suggestion was that in my "prettiness" (wasn't even about my all-round fabulousness, grrrrrr) I shouldn't not get one. I turned it down as politely as I could.
Where to begin?! Shallowness aside and ignoring the assumption that I wasn't going to receive any otherwise (I get the irony that I am bothered by this!), I have to say that I really do take offense to the idea that a girl's (nay person's) worth is measurable by whether someone sends them a [fake] sentiment on a predestined occasion! A crappy festival where most of the messages in cards these days are rude or suggestive and almost all the motivation is consumer driven. I can't believe how much people will spend to try and impress their partners at the time of year when everything is more expensive (I used to work in a florist, it is shocking) and any gesture made is more than likely to be mass produced.
I'm trying not to sound bitter at being alone on Valentine's Day. I'm really not, singleness is something I sometimes struggle with (though the idea of not being is often a lot more scary!) but today of all days I am glad to be out of that mess. I can take my moral high ground without having to worry about being chuffed at what my boyfriend does for me, or being narked if it isn't original enough, or being shocked by how much he spent, or quietly disappointed that he didn't think I was worth more...! It is a right ole mess. Even if you decide together to not buy into it I reckon the pressure from couples around you whispering that you aren't as "in love" as they are would be a bit of a bind.
Awww. Poor cynical Kat(i)e. I want to see the good in these things, I really do. But the stock's been out since straight after Christmas, we are in the middle of a credit crisis (though granted that is old news and people don't want it to spoil their "fun") and too many people are in relationships that are stop gaps because they are lonely and afraid of not getting a Valentines... what is with this "love" culture..? 'Cause then of course you end up with a load of broken hearts and baggage and fear and old cards with cheap sentiments that people won't throw away or accept that it wasn't never that good but even if it was it's over now; and all this gets fed round the cycle again into more fragile even less sincere relationships with increasingly vulnerable and damaged people. Oh the sadness.
I've been reading Stuff Christians Like, which I do sometimes and it can be pretty good. They had this "share about being dumped" post which was quite interesting (though several of people's comments were either far too open or still bitter. I, of course, found just the right balance...!). One girl said that her boyfriend told her that God told him to give her up like Abraham did with Isaac. He actually drove her off in his car somewhere quite remote to do it - I'd have gotten out screaming! The thing with that though is I don't really think that God would say: "I'm asking you to give Sally (random name) up so that when you show you are willing to I will give her straight back to you." Duh. He was wrong in the end, they didn't have a reconciliation and give birth to a nation. Probably for the best, brains like that.
I bet everyone has at least one crappy relationship story. Mostly best unshared, nay unremembered. I tell you, there are a lot of reasons to be glad for singleness! Bring on the convent...
Though perhaps I've bought too strongly into this stance of independence and it all seems a little too much like the fear I described above. Having started to take my lead from nuns these days it's quite ironic, don'tcha think, that my all time favourite one chucked it in for a bloke: "Climb Every Mountain!"
A little too soon to be worrying that I am heading toward self-inflicted spinsterhood, me thinks. Still, gotta love it when a running theme follows to it's logical conclusion and bites you on the bum! ;-)
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
DTR
I like all the flavours of jelly babies now. I used to have favourites, and leasts, eating them in reverse order (unless I was sharing!) and always ending on the blacks. Now I like each one for it's own qualities and can gladly mix it up. I have no point... for this part of today's post I am going to have a competition. The most interesting analogy wins a packet of jelly babies!
Other things about how I am changing... I have spent most of my 22nd year wishing and then thinking I was 23. I don't know why. Some kind of fallacy that I would be better at 23? A classic "not enjoying where you are at" moment which leaves me with 2 months to go till I actually am 23 wondering what 22 is like. I feel like I have missed out on being truly myself for want of fitting into another mould.
Yeah, coming into a better place with identity is defo a trademark of this year. I remember thinking when I was 14 (being quite mature for my age as I was!) that I was not going to change from now and had "found myself", which I have come to recognise as hallmark for being insecure and thus asserting security. Now I wake up every day and think that I am nowhere near being "right". Which I think is perhaps the only hope I will ever have at being true to myself, knowing that I'm not. This whole identity in Christ part of being a Christian has spoken to me a lot, as I observe all the other places I have tried to put my identity over time and realise that the only good option is something that doesn't ever change (whilst already being great!) and won't let you down. So much of the pain that comes out of relationships that end is from letting your identity become fixed in a person so that when they are gone it feels like you are too. I suppose that is what I think the difference is now, as a Christian. The way I see it we are all looking for something to hook onto as our security, that is sort of a trait of humanity and we try it everywhere from romance to jobs to appearance... but if we choose anything fallible we will lose it eventually and feel lost ourselves. By putting it in Jesus I suddenly find that there is something unchanging in my world and, actually, the idea is that as I am inevitably changing it is (hopefully) to become more like Him and so in a sense I'm stabilising in my fluctuations.
Yeah. That is what I am loving today as the analogy. OSCILLATION. I feel like I am oscillating to some central point in which I have potential to be truly secure. Like a centre-of-gravity. Some wise bloke once said to my brother-in-law (who is, by the by, also wise) that balance is not a good thing. Trying to keep these really opposite features of your life in some kind of polarised precarious distribution is just totally contrary to having a holistic existence where everything is centred around one thing. There is no sustainability in it either, if you look at systems of inertia you can find an arrangement that keeps level when these far flung masses are in place but it doesn't take much to topple it and if you have close together forces they will have a lot more substance for the equivalent moment. That's science and I can't begin to explain it. If you don't understand then ask my dad.
That was a bit of an aside. Sorry if I confused things. This oscillating to a central point looks sort of like starting off really far away in one direction then going far in the other then turning back but less extremely and continuing as such in decreasing amounts... It's a dampening effect. Sort of imagine a ball bouncing and getting less and less (except that it finally stops in mid air). Or maybe a swing which has a big first push but then your friend gets bored. I have been doing this: I started off insane; I suddenly saw all these things I need to change; I got really worked up about it all and began to disregard who I am to the extreme of losing everything unique and lovable about me; I then realised I'm actually great and swung back; then I wanted to become more holy; then I realised I was being legalistic and so rebelled; now slowly I sort of get God's love for me and am coming closer to him but maybe not understanding loads of His nature; as such I am reminded of my academic issues and try to reason it through; in this I realise some kind of deep-rooted respect for His law and concepts and can't shake what He's done for me... Coming eventually (is the plan) to some sort of more centralised place which I think might be my identity in Christ. Not "there" at all you understand but it feels almost like things are beginning to fall into place enough that I am really noticing it. A spiral is a good image and also a mathematically equivalent one so feel free to use it.
How is this revealing itself in my life here and now then? Well, the voice stuff is going well, I was excited by my first "session" today and look forward to working on that more. I am delighted to find out that I can do a bit of careful singing (only in church like and around the house but I was not really refraining very well so now I can do it a bit with permission I am less likely to do it too much naughtily) and talking I am beginning to find a good level in. As far as general group interaction goes I think that actually I have gotten a lot better. I have more security in what I do and don't share, it is still pretty forward and I can at times be overly tangential (the optimal amount being anecdotal but not overbearing) but I feel like I have matured in that. Sounds really odd, I suppose the context is that I found it quite hard to be in a new group of people when I got back (like church groups, that's where I've been tonight you see) and almost feeling like I could not control my "input" then feeling bad and generally like it was a far less accepting environment than Geneva when everyone cut me a lot of slack! It was totally well timed as part of my development but has been really tricky and today I have not come home feeling like I over did it - both physically and socially. OK, I still may have said things a bit too flippantly (like how I think that we should be like bible times and only hang out with same sex groups!) but I also had some useful insights about forming relationships with the opposite sex (too much to say now but I am tempted to blog another this time, I know a lot about it and tonight has helped formulate my thoughts) that seemed to come out almost concisely!
So yeah, DTR. Define The Relationship. Sort of more relevant to the topic with pasturate which I haven't really gone into but also, in a far more significant albeit convoluted way, about Defining my Relationship with Jesus. As I get into a more stable place it is like "we" are getting tighter and the benefit of a centralised grounding for that means that I feel less "wobbly". Despite all my crap of late, I do feel less wobbly, almost as though it has brought me closer in and thus better off!
Sort of a side note to all this, but I'm gonna do it anyway, is looking at relationships in general. I've realised my "significant other" is my blog. I've also realised I'm not sure I'm happy about this. I don't mean that I'm ready for an actual bf (though my hair is getting longer!) but I just feel a bit frustrated. I mean, if I put this much time into a person relationship I would expect something back. Not sure where this is going but there feels to be a certain amount of love lost between me and BGB right now and if things carry on this way I may opt for a "break". I mean, I do have a life of my own and I think I may wish to build into relationships that are not, to all intents and purposes, me talking to myself.
On an actual side note, but I'm just really excited, I got a new bible! If you recall I mentioned how I lost my NLT that I had as a "youth" and had restarted using when I got back to England. It left me a) sad and b) not sure what to do. I wanted a bigger one than my pocket NIV and I kinda wanted a study bible which was a different version for comparison, but which to get? I mentioned before that I didn't really know about versions and heard different things from different people all the time. If there's nothing that annoys me more is someone being adamant that theirs in the best (or conversely that others definitely aren't!) so seeking advice was hard! But I just really naturally bought an NLT Study Bible yesterday which sort of happened randomly and "felt" right. It's the newest study out and I liked the NLT before. Plus, were it not for me losing my last one I wouldn't have been able to justify getting this. I don't think it's more "right" than others but I do like their policy of a translation that is accurate but reads for now (without being super casual) as that is sort of the point of translating isn't it? That it come across as best as possible in the new language. Similar to the original in terms of style but without necessarily being about direct interpretations. Whatever, I didn't do any of that really, I just went with my gut and this made the most sense in the shop. I like it. I'm gonna get my mum to make me a leopard print cover!! Oh yeah, a verse that is ace and the reason I brought up bibles:
Lamentations 3: 20-26
I probably just needed to put that link and be done with it. Maybe that's what I'll do with baby...
Other things about how I am changing... I have spent most of my 22nd year wishing and then thinking I was 23. I don't know why. Some kind of fallacy that I would be better at 23? A classic "not enjoying where you are at" moment which leaves me with 2 months to go till I actually am 23 wondering what 22 is like. I feel like I have missed out on being truly myself for want of fitting into another mould.
Yeah, coming into a better place with identity is defo a trademark of this year. I remember thinking when I was 14 (being quite mature for my age as I was!) that I was not going to change from now and had "found myself", which I have come to recognise as hallmark for being insecure and thus asserting security. Now I wake up every day and think that I am nowhere near being "right". Which I think is perhaps the only hope I will ever have at being true to myself, knowing that I'm not. This whole identity in Christ part of being a Christian has spoken to me a lot, as I observe all the other places I have tried to put my identity over time and realise that the only good option is something that doesn't ever change (whilst already being great!) and won't let you down. So much of the pain that comes out of relationships that end is from letting your identity become fixed in a person so that when they are gone it feels like you are too. I suppose that is what I think the difference is now, as a Christian. The way I see it we are all looking for something to hook onto as our security, that is sort of a trait of humanity and we try it everywhere from romance to jobs to appearance... but if we choose anything fallible we will lose it eventually and feel lost ourselves. By putting it in Jesus I suddenly find that there is something unchanging in my world and, actually, the idea is that as I am inevitably changing it is (hopefully) to become more like Him and so in a sense I'm stabilising in my fluctuations.
Yeah. That is what I am loving today as the analogy. OSCILLATION. I feel like I am oscillating to some central point in which I have potential to be truly secure. Like a centre-of-gravity. Some wise bloke once said to my brother-in-law (who is, by the by, also wise) that balance is not a good thing. Trying to keep these really opposite features of your life in some kind of polarised precarious distribution is just totally contrary to having a holistic existence where everything is centred around one thing. There is no sustainability in it either, if you look at systems of inertia you can find an arrangement that keeps level when these far flung masses are in place but it doesn't take much to topple it and if you have close together forces they will have a lot more substance for the equivalent moment. That's science and I can't begin to explain it. If you don't understand then ask my dad.
That was a bit of an aside. Sorry if I confused things. This oscillating to a central point looks sort of like starting off really far away in one direction then going far in the other then turning back but less extremely and continuing as such in decreasing amounts... It's a dampening effect. Sort of imagine a ball bouncing and getting less and less (except that it finally stops in mid air). Or maybe a swing which has a big first push but then your friend gets bored. I have been doing this: I started off insane; I suddenly saw all these things I need to change; I got really worked up about it all and began to disregard who I am to the extreme of losing everything unique and lovable about me; I then realised I'm actually great and swung back; then I wanted to become more holy; then I realised I was being legalistic and so rebelled; now slowly I sort of get God's love for me and am coming closer to him but maybe not understanding loads of His nature; as such I am reminded of my academic issues and try to reason it through; in this I realise some kind of deep-rooted respect for His law and concepts and can't shake what He's done for me... Coming eventually (is the plan) to some sort of more centralised place which I think might be my identity in Christ. Not "there" at all you understand but it feels almost like things are beginning to fall into place enough that I am really noticing it. A spiral is a good image and also a mathematically equivalent one so feel free to use it.
How is this revealing itself in my life here and now then? Well, the voice stuff is going well, I was excited by my first "session" today and look forward to working on that more. I am delighted to find out that I can do a bit of careful singing (only in church like and around the house but I was not really refraining very well so now I can do it a bit with permission I am less likely to do it too much naughtily) and talking I am beginning to find a good level in. As far as general group interaction goes I think that actually I have gotten a lot better. I have more security in what I do and don't share, it is still pretty forward and I can at times be overly tangential (the optimal amount being anecdotal but not overbearing) but I feel like I have matured in that. Sounds really odd, I suppose the context is that I found it quite hard to be in a new group of people when I got back (like church groups, that's where I've been tonight you see) and almost feeling like I could not control my "input" then feeling bad and generally like it was a far less accepting environment than Geneva when everyone cut me a lot of slack! It was totally well timed as part of my development but has been really tricky and today I have not come home feeling like I over did it - both physically and socially. OK, I still may have said things a bit too flippantly (like how I think that we should be like bible times and only hang out with same sex groups!) but I also had some useful insights about forming relationships with the opposite sex (too much to say now but I am tempted to blog another this time, I know a lot about it and tonight has helped formulate my thoughts) that seemed to come out almost concisely!
So yeah, DTR. Define The Relationship. Sort of more relevant to the topic with pasturate which I haven't really gone into but also, in a far more significant albeit convoluted way, about Defining my Relationship with Jesus. As I get into a more stable place it is like "we" are getting tighter and the benefit of a centralised grounding for that means that I feel less "wobbly". Despite all my crap of late, I do feel less wobbly, almost as though it has brought me closer in and thus better off!
Sort of a side note to all this, but I'm gonna do it anyway, is looking at relationships in general. I've realised my "significant other" is my blog. I've also realised I'm not sure I'm happy about this. I don't mean that I'm ready for an actual bf (though my hair is getting longer!) but I just feel a bit frustrated. I mean, if I put this much time into a person relationship I would expect something back. Not sure where this is going but there feels to be a certain amount of love lost between me and BGB right now and if things carry on this way I may opt for a "break". I mean, I do have a life of my own and I think I may wish to build into relationships that are not, to all intents and purposes, me talking to myself.
On an actual side note, but I'm just really excited, I got a new bible! If you recall I mentioned how I lost my NLT that I had as a "youth" and had restarted using when I got back to England. It left me a) sad and b) not sure what to do. I wanted a bigger one than my pocket NIV and I kinda wanted a study bible which was a different version for comparison, but which to get? I mentioned before that I didn't really know about versions and heard different things from different people all the time. If there's nothing that annoys me more is someone being adamant that theirs in the best (or conversely that others definitely aren't!) so seeking advice was hard! But I just really naturally bought an NLT Study Bible yesterday which sort of happened randomly and "felt" right. It's the newest study out and I liked the NLT before. Plus, were it not for me losing my last one I wouldn't have been able to justify getting this. I don't think it's more "right" than others but I do like their policy of a translation that is accurate but reads for now (without being super casual) as that is sort of the point of translating isn't it? That it come across as best as possible in the new language. Similar to the original in terms of style but without necessarily being about direct interpretations. Whatever, I didn't do any of that really, I just went with my gut and this made the most sense in the shop. I like it. I'm gonna get my mum to make me a leopard print cover!! Oh yeah, a verse that is ace and the reason I brought up bibles:
Lamentations 3: 20-26
I probably just needed to put that link and be done with it. Maybe that's what I'll do with baby...
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Resolutions and Change
Can I sum up in one post everything that I want to say?
The year is over. Only a few short hours away. Christmas has been an exciting but bewildering time. Having seen quite a few of my peers from my youth I have come into the realisation that I am on the cusp of being a grown up. Not a "young adult" or pretending anymore but actually fully matured with bills to pay and lives to plan. I'm not quite there yet but I reckon by the time my degree is over my establishment in adulthood will be well and truly made. I already am a bit of a wuss when it comes to late nights and hardcore socialising! My bob will be in place, my future starting to take shape and there will be no more excuses. Fortunately(?) I am not actually there yet but it seems close on the horizon...!
So where am I at? Well this term has seen me change as much as in the previous three months. A real time of finding and removing the bones and cleansing the land to get it ready for what is going to happen next. I feel my faith growing and am seeing more of God's power moving, in what feels like a direct result of that. I have had wonderful times of sharing what's happened to me, finding communities to build, experiencing good leadership and receiving great support. I've learnt that relationships and interdependency are what life is about and how we need to start actively working in our locality to be Jesus and see change occur.
Joy is oh so key. It is our strength even in the valleys, which these past few months have felt a bit like at times. But what a fruitful one it has been: really immediate and deep friendships with like minded people forming; establishing a Women of God community where we are seeking to live holistic lives of integrity; finding a place in Bristol as somewhere I feel my heart lies. Rediscovering love and what that is all about - everything. It is all you need. A many splendoured thing. I'm excited that two of the main things I have been involved in/am getting involved in are called Agapé and LoveBristol respectively. Love love love. God is love which is why it really is the most important thing, above all other agendas. I read 2 John yesterday and particularly appreciated how it was for a woman (though it really is relevant to everyone). This bit really jumped out at me:
"And now, dear lady, I am not writing you a new command but one we have had from the beginning. I ask that we love one another. And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love."
I've got chills they're multiplying. And it isn't the coffee... Which I drink now, from time to time. Probably the reason this post is a bit disconnected! Finding peace in myself leaves me a lot freer to do such things (in moderation obviously) though I don't think I like being this woosey so I won't make a regular habit of it!
What now then? As I go into the new year I have several practical goals for the next stage:
To start a trust fund like a scholarship for homeless people with a specific need. I hate meeting those that, for want of mere money, are trapped in a viscous and destructive cycle.
To start a free shop - let's beat the system man! I'm clearing out and as I slowly break free of the consumerist "stuff" pattern I want to see a trend being set for change. It's obviously not working and the world is finally starting to see it so let's facilitate that.
To give more to my communities, living an integrated holistic life and putting faith into practice.
To eat more "whole" foods and start cooking/baking from scratch.
To commit to finishing my degree and being dedicated to that - and finding cool God moments in the maths!
To pray more!! That's the hardest one I think.
To make more music (though I fear that is for the second half of the year once the work is done).
To write a student alternative newspaper that promotes living a different life to the way the world functions. On an environmental and economic slant promoting community, sustainability, rediscovered identity and creativity. Holistic living and a loving lifestyle. Sounds a bit glib but I have hopes and as we look for "Another Way" the idea is to introduce The Way, in Truth and be intentionally evangelical with it. 'Cause duh, that is the whole point isn't it? This last one goes in bold as it will require the most work and 'cause I want you to pray for it...!
On top of all this I want to see more of God's love and power in my life and get to know him more and deepen our relationship... but then really, who doesn't?!
Let's face it though. This is a lot and will take a hell of a commitment not to mention supernatural support. I feel, in order to be realistic, that from my perspective something has to give... and that something is going to be Baby Got Brit.
As I mentioned before, when I started writing I was in a different place. Half my time could be spent living and the other half telling my blog readers about it :-P Now I barely have a moment spare to tell myself and it is just unsustainable to try and capture it here. And we all know that unsustainable is not good. I am not nearly as compulsive which is great for me but means I am not obsessing over blogging and have found it increasingly hard to do so. There are tons of incomplete stories in my draft box and I have to accept that it just can't happen right now.
The thing is, as I have said before, writing alone isn't going to do very much. My observational skills have been honed and there is now no denying that I am fully equipped to understand all the analogies and can no longer hide behind the analysis - it is time to close my laptop and get my hands dirty.
It's not a total goodbye. For one thing once the degree is done it might be the right time - I am considering voluntary unemployment for a while (not that I will necessarily have the option anyway) which may or may not leave me free to write... plus I will still put the odd (quite literally) thing up in the interim if I write a poem or an article for proposed magazine. You never know, I may even pop by for a chat randomly or if I find something funny (so long as I don't use it as a procrastination tool - keep me accountable!) but the point is that my life is no longer going to be available for download. This processor can't cope with how big it's got - there are simply too many bits of information to communicate.
Lol, now it's over I'll suddenly want to be here all the time! I can't say for sure what will happen and once again this may be another big idea that doesn't quite work out and I will return, wiser. But, as with attempting a homeless choir in 3 months (check out 'Homeless Stuffs' tag) with limited French and no idea didn't quite pan into a Sister Act moment, it did still turn out with God saying it was cool. We had a gig at the end of the engaGE week and it was a wonderful time where there was joy living in that place, the staff suddenly went from miserable to fun loving and people got a chance to have the something-more-than-just-dinner moment that I first been inspired by. The last day I was there a lady spoke to me that never had before saying in perfect English that she had really enjoyed it and I felt like it had all been worthwhile. So I think even if my "big ideas" seem a little over-reaching it will be OK and God can turn them to something sweet. Better than doing Fuck All anyway, in't it?
Alors, bye bye baby, Baby bye bye. Who knows what the future brings... the story goes on but not right here right now. Stay in touch, the open invite still remains (though ideally do ring first!) and if we never "speak" again I hope to see you on the other side...
Love Kat(i)e x x x
The year is over. Only a few short hours away. Christmas has been an exciting but bewildering time. Having seen quite a few of my peers from my youth I have come into the realisation that I am on the cusp of being a grown up. Not a "young adult" or pretending anymore but actually fully matured with bills to pay and lives to plan. I'm not quite there yet but I reckon by the time my degree is over my establishment in adulthood will be well and truly made. I already am a bit of a wuss when it comes to late nights and hardcore socialising! My bob will be in place, my future starting to take shape and there will be no more excuses. Fortunately(?) I am not actually there yet but it seems close on the horizon...!
So where am I at? Well this term has seen me change as much as in the previous three months. A real time of finding and removing the bones and cleansing the land to get it ready for what is going to happen next. I feel my faith growing and am seeing more of God's power moving, in what feels like a direct result of that. I have had wonderful times of sharing what's happened to me, finding communities to build, experiencing good leadership and receiving great support. I've learnt that relationships and interdependency are what life is about and how we need to start actively working in our locality to be Jesus and see change occur.
Joy is oh so key. It is our strength even in the valleys, which these past few months have felt a bit like at times. But what a fruitful one it has been: really immediate and deep friendships with like minded people forming; establishing a Women of God community where we are seeking to live holistic lives of integrity; finding a place in Bristol as somewhere I feel my heart lies. Rediscovering love and what that is all about - everything. It is all you need. A many splendoured thing. I'm excited that two of the main things I have been involved in/am getting involved in are called Agapé and LoveBristol respectively. Love love love. God is love which is why it really is the most important thing, above all other agendas. I read 2 John yesterday and particularly appreciated how it was for a woman (though it really is relevant to everyone). This bit really jumped out at me:
"And now, dear lady, I am not writing you a new command but one we have had from the beginning. I ask that we love one another. And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love."
I've got chills they're multiplying. And it isn't the coffee... Which I drink now, from time to time. Probably the reason this post is a bit disconnected! Finding peace in myself leaves me a lot freer to do such things (in moderation obviously) though I don't think I like being this woosey so I won't make a regular habit of it!
What now then? As I go into the new year I have several practical goals for the next stage:
To start a trust fund like a scholarship for homeless people with a specific need. I hate meeting those that, for want of mere money, are trapped in a viscous and destructive cycle.
To start a free shop - let's beat the system man! I'm clearing out and as I slowly break free of the consumerist "stuff" pattern I want to see a trend being set for change. It's obviously not working and the world is finally starting to see it so let's facilitate that.
To give more to my communities, living an integrated holistic life and putting faith into practice.
To eat more "whole" foods and start cooking/baking from scratch.
To commit to finishing my degree and being dedicated to that - and finding cool God moments in the maths!
To pray more!! That's the hardest one I think.
To make more music (though I fear that is for the second half of the year once the work is done).
To write a student alternative newspaper that promotes living a different life to the way the world functions. On an environmental and economic slant promoting community, sustainability, rediscovered identity and creativity. Holistic living and a loving lifestyle. Sounds a bit glib but I have hopes and as we look for "Another Way" the idea is to introduce The Way, in Truth and be intentionally evangelical with it. 'Cause duh, that is the whole point isn't it? This last one goes in bold as it will require the most work and 'cause I want you to pray for it...!
On top of all this I want to see more of God's love and power in my life and get to know him more and deepen our relationship... but then really, who doesn't?!
Let's face it though. This is a lot and will take a hell of a commitment not to mention supernatural support. I feel, in order to be realistic, that from my perspective something has to give... and that something is going to be Baby Got Brit.
As I mentioned before, when I started writing I was in a different place. Half my time could be spent living and the other half telling my blog readers about it :-P Now I barely have a moment spare to tell myself and it is just unsustainable to try and capture it here. And we all know that unsustainable is not good. I am not nearly as compulsive which is great for me but means I am not obsessing over blogging and have found it increasingly hard to do so. There are tons of incomplete stories in my draft box and I have to accept that it just can't happen right now.
The thing is, as I have said before, writing alone isn't going to do very much. My observational skills have been honed and there is now no denying that I am fully equipped to understand all the analogies and can no longer hide behind the analysis - it is time to close my laptop and get my hands dirty.
It's not a total goodbye. For one thing once the degree is done it might be the right time - I am considering voluntary unemployment for a while (not that I will necessarily have the option anyway) which may or may not leave me free to write... plus I will still put the odd (quite literally) thing up in the interim if I write a poem or an article for proposed magazine. You never know, I may even pop by for a chat randomly or if I find something funny (so long as I don't use it as a procrastination tool - keep me accountable!) but the point is that my life is no longer going to be available for download. This processor can't cope with how big it's got - there are simply too many bits of information to communicate.
Lol, now it's over I'll suddenly want to be here all the time! I can't say for sure what will happen and once again this may be another big idea that doesn't quite work out and I will return, wiser. But, as with attempting a homeless choir in 3 months (check out 'Homeless Stuffs' tag) with limited French and no idea didn't quite pan into a Sister Act moment, it did still turn out with God saying it was cool. We had a gig at the end of the engaGE week and it was a wonderful time where there was joy living in that place, the staff suddenly went from miserable to fun loving and people got a chance to have the something-more-than-just-dinner moment that I first been inspired by. The last day I was there a lady spoke to me that never had before saying in perfect English that she had really enjoyed it and I felt like it had all been worthwhile. So I think even if my "big ideas" seem a little over-reaching it will be OK and God can turn them to something sweet. Better than doing Fuck All anyway, in't it?
Alors, bye bye baby, Baby bye bye. Who knows what the future brings... the story goes on but not right here right now. Stay in touch, the open invite still remains (though ideally do ring first!) and if we never "speak" again I hope to see you on the other side...
Love Kat(i)e x x x
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Crazy Little Thing Called Love
I just had a lovely girly night out. Day in fact. I spent the afternoon at the Christmas market in Bath with a friend from Geneva who now lives in South UK (which is great!) and then came back for a chocolate party with "my ladies" and other friends. SO great. It was buy nothing day but I decided that legalism loses to relationship any time and so went shopping. Consumerism is my pet hate but it totally doesn't win over love :o)
Then I went out with this wonderful chick named Whitney. She is from Toronto!! I love having Canadian friends, I am so used to them now it would suck if I didn't know any. We were going out to party with her friend for his bday but we had one of those moments where, like, it was totally, just, impossibly rubbish. You know? Got in a taxi across Bris (wearing heels and also on rapist alert) and so that cost like £8 to find out that they were about to head back across town to go to a club that, I kid you not, we got into the taxi in front of.
Now, I might fool you as a clubbing girl but to be honest I am too lazy. I like to dance but I don't like to be out tired when there is a journey ahead of me and I could have been in bed already. It's quite a sad confession. I had gotten all excited but then when it came down to it I was not that cool. My feet were hurting, I didn't know anybody and we had just wasted money to be in this uncomfortable place. I nearly panicked. I lie, I had a full minute and a half where I wanted to cry over the obvious mistake. Why didn't I assert against this? Then, in my place of prayer and repentance (possible unnecessary use of word there) God made things OK. I decided we weren't going to go - I have to sing at church in the morning anyway and there was no way that the way to correct a mistake is to keep persevering at it! But we were already on Gloucester Road so we made the most of it: went for a drink together and then picked up chips (from the best chippy in Bristol) on the way home! And lo, God made something good out of it... Thank you :-)
So, what's all this about love in the title? Well, the thing is that when girls get together, I can't lie, we talk about boys. We don't ONLY talk about boys but it does have a tendency to come up. If you have one, if you want one, if you don't have one, if you don't want one...! It doesn't stop being interesting. All day it had been somehow or other on the agenda and so I come home thinking about how I feel about them. Which is mixed.
As I have shared before, I have had a bit of a tendency to be in a dependent place with men. Seeing them as an easy fix for the love that we are all programmed to desire but should be finding in God. This would be an all too simple way to describe my relationship problems. Now I don't think I am worse that other people but today I want to address the common theme of conversation and share some thoughts (albeit it in a convoluted manner), which are quite the opposite of previous assertions. I don't just struggle with too much want of relationships... oh no, in keeping with the popular theme of "complicated" too often it is all about the not wanting them enough...
We are talking about fear of commitment. Or maybe not commitment but affection. Or a mixture of all kinds of scary tings. I wrote a poem t'other day that says it a lot better so I will now copy that in:
So many people are afraid of love
Afraid to feel love
Afraid to be loved
Afraid to not feel love
Afraid to not be loved
Why are we afraid?
Fear: There to protect us
A response to something more powerful than us
We fear God because he is Awesome
God is love
Is that why we fear love?
The theory: That when we fear God we need not fear anything else
Though there are many things more powerful than me there are none more powerful than He
But that does not make me think that when I fear it is always right and good
I often fear when I should not
‘Tis not my vulnerability but independency that stops me being worry free
Love
So beautiful yet so fierce
There is every chance it will destroy one heart… two… more?
We have a reaction that tells us fight or flight in the face of danger
So tell me, is that why we run and just ignore?
A threat
Keep it far away and not live to regret
A broken heart just cannot be worth the risk of it
Love
Descended from God
Corrupted for sure but in essence Oh so pure
This fear must be a lie
Born out of brokenness and all set up to make us miss what God has in store
A damaged heart is always going to be a risk when we are gambling with love less perfect than His
But remember who is in charge
The only one to fear, the reason you are here, the restorer of the broken heart
Mine will not be destroyed ‘cause God is on guard
My point? I am pretentious. More seriously, that both these extremes are negative. I have been all too down on relationships in the past I confess (eg) but at the same time I realise that they are a great example of God's love for us (read these lyrics and tell me they aren't divinely inspired) when used correctly. There is no way that God wants us to avoid dependency in relationships, romantic or otherwise, this is just another lot of deception to discover.
What is the application to life? I don't know! My hair's not long enough anyway... It's just gossip over red wine and chocolate fondue. I need to go to bed now... x
Then I went out with this wonderful chick named Whitney. She is from Toronto!! I love having Canadian friends, I am so used to them now it would suck if I didn't know any. We were going out to party with her friend for his bday but we had one of those moments where, like, it was totally, just, impossibly rubbish. You know? Got in a taxi across Bris (wearing heels and also on rapist alert) and so that cost like £8 to find out that they were about to head back across town to go to a club that, I kid you not, we got into the taxi in front of.
Now, I might fool you as a clubbing girl but to be honest I am too lazy. I like to dance but I don't like to be out tired when there is a journey ahead of me and I could have been in bed already. It's quite a sad confession. I had gotten all excited but then when it came down to it I was not that cool. My feet were hurting, I didn't know anybody and we had just wasted money to be in this uncomfortable place. I nearly panicked. I lie, I had a full minute and a half where I wanted to cry over the obvious mistake. Why didn't I assert against this? Then, in my place of prayer and repentance (possible unnecessary use of word there) God made things OK. I decided we weren't going to go - I have to sing at church in the morning anyway and there was no way that the way to correct a mistake is to keep persevering at it! But we were already on Gloucester Road so we made the most of it: went for a drink together and then picked up chips (from the best chippy in Bristol) on the way home! And lo, God made something good out of it... Thank you :-)
So, what's all this about love in the title? Well, the thing is that when girls get together, I can't lie, we talk about boys. We don't ONLY talk about boys but it does have a tendency to come up. If you have one, if you want one, if you don't have one, if you don't want one...! It doesn't stop being interesting. All day it had been somehow or other on the agenda and so I come home thinking about how I feel about them. Which is mixed.
As I have shared before, I have had a bit of a tendency to be in a dependent place with men. Seeing them as an easy fix for the love that we are all programmed to desire but should be finding in God. This would be an all too simple way to describe my relationship problems. Now I don't think I am worse that other people but today I want to address the common theme of conversation and share some thoughts (albeit it in a convoluted manner), which are quite the opposite of previous assertions. I don't just struggle with too much want of relationships... oh no, in keeping with the popular theme of "complicated" too often it is all about the not wanting them enough...
We are talking about fear of commitment. Or maybe not commitment but affection. Or a mixture of all kinds of scary tings. I wrote a poem t'other day that says it a lot better so I will now copy that in:
So many people are afraid of love
Afraid to feel love
Afraid to be loved
Afraid to not feel love
Afraid to not be loved
Why are we afraid?
Fear: There to protect us
A response to something more powerful than us
We fear God because he is Awesome
God is love
Is that why we fear love?
The theory: That when we fear God we need not fear anything else
Though there are many things more powerful than me there are none more powerful than He
But that does not make me think that when I fear it is always right and good
I often fear when I should not
‘Tis not my vulnerability but independency that stops me being worry free
Love
So beautiful yet so fierce
There is every chance it will destroy one heart… two… more?
We have a reaction that tells us fight or flight in the face of danger
So tell me, is that why we run and just ignore?
A threat
Keep it far away and not live to regret
A broken heart just cannot be worth the risk of it
Love
Descended from God
Corrupted for sure but in essence Oh so pure
This fear must be a lie
Born out of brokenness and all set up to make us miss what God has in store
A damaged heart is always going to be a risk when we are gambling with love less perfect than His
But remember who is in charge
The only one to fear, the reason you are here, the restorer of the broken heart
Mine will not be destroyed ‘cause God is on guard
My point? I am pretentious. More seriously, that both these extremes are negative. I have been all too down on relationships in the past I confess (eg) but at the same time I realise that they are a great example of God's love for us (read these lyrics and tell me they aren't divinely inspired) when used correctly. There is no way that God wants us to avoid dependency in relationships, romantic or otherwise, this is just another lot of deception to discover.
What is the application to life? I don't know! My hair's not long enough anyway... It's just gossip over red wine and chocolate fondue. I need to go to bed now... x
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Yo, Lizzie!
This is a note for my very dear friend Lizzie who is diligently reading my whole life (abridged) AKA BGB and is somewhere in July as we speak. I don't know when you'll get here but when you do: HI! Thanks for getting this far and thanks for caring...
It's funny. She came over today and was all "I know so much about you now!" I hadn't realised but I suppose that's true - there's a lot that's built up over the past 7 months (by the way this is babygotbrit's 7 month birthday today... it's older than me!) and actually some people may well know me a lot better than I know them as a result, which I never really thought about.
Bit strange that. Lizzie came round today and told me some of her stuff. I kinda enjoyed that two way interaction... it's not like I bite!
That said, no I'm not going to stop writing. But I do realise that, much as I joke, my blog is not a sufficient relationship in my life. Good thing God is teaching me all about community... more ont that when I get the time...
It's funny. She came over today and was all "I know so much about you now!" I hadn't realised but I suppose that's true - there's a lot that's built up over the past 7 months (by the way this is babygotbrit's 7 month birthday today... it's older than me!) and actually some people may well know me a lot better than I know them as a result, which I never really thought about.
Bit strange that. Lizzie came round today and told me some of her stuff. I kinda enjoyed that two way interaction... it's not like I bite!
That said, no I'm not going to stop writing. But I do realise that, much as I joke, my blog is not a sufficient relationship in my life. Good thing God is teaching me all about community... more ont that when I get the time...
Saturday, November 1, 2008
How Can You Know Me?
A bit of a pretentious analogy for the way in which I am so very very deep...!
OK, so, the idea is that my blog represents me, right, and the message I "put out there"? And that it is a big jumbled up mess of thoughts. Some of it is personal, some (well a lot) silly, but not even together do all the posts give a full picture. I can't always write and when I do it is honed to give you the impression I want and the insights that I am in the mood to share.
Really, if you could login to my dashboard, you'd find TONS of half-drafted posts. Some too personal. Some a poor representation of who I want you to see. Lots and lots and lots I just haven't had the chance to finish and share. Then there are the ones I haven't quite worked through yet and it might take a conversation or two with others to get things to a point of greater clarity.
Which is how I feel about relationships with people. That what we give out is the tip of the iceberg and that it takes a hell of a lot of time and probing to get to the things that there just isn't a chance for day-to-day. Even with those people that in theory you would let in, it takes a major effort in this day and age (or perhaps in every day and age, how can we tell?).
Which isn't even taking into account the fact that for some things you will need my private password to get to read...
People, with all their complicated messages and ideas. Some private personal soul wrenching details; others just a bit sideways that take unraveling. The vast majority un-chartered for no reason other than lack of opportunity. Logistically we can't get close to too many but I think if we take the time it is worth it for a few.
Maybe the only person you will ever get to know is yourself. That alone would take a lifetime+ Of course it may be rather nice to share it with another and have them help you on the journey - work out those posts/areas in which you have come to a brick wall and need a conversation to move forward and grow.
LOL, did Miss Independent get all soppy about boys for a minute? Not likely! Just, you know, I concede that it can actually be a good thing. Say, for example, when you want to give strangers a bed for the night and don't like the idea of being alone in the house with them... ENTER The Husband! :-P Until then, I've got my friends to keep me talking and walking. Plus, there aren't enough Christian men for everybody and it would feel selfish to nab one for meself!
Ha ha ha. I'm going to bed. This is just the tip of the iceberb...
OK, so, the idea is that my blog represents me, right, and the message I "put out there"? And that it is a big jumbled up mess of thoughts. Some of it is personal, some (well a lot) silly, but not even together do all the posts give a full picture. I can't always write and when I do it is honed to give you the impression I want and the insights that I am in the mood to share.
Really, if you could login to my dashboard, you'd find TONS of half-drafted posts. Some too personal. Some a poor representation of who I want you to see. Lots and lots and lots I just haven't had the chance to finish and share. Then there are the ones I haven't quite worked through yet and it might take a conversation or two with others to get things to a point of greater clarity.
Which is how I feel about relationships with people. That what we give out is the tip of the iceberg and that it takes a hell of a lot of time and probing to get to the things that there just isn't a chance for day-to-day. Even with those people that in theory you would let in, it takes a major effort in this day and age (or perhaps in every day and age, how can we tell?).
Which isn't even taking into account the fact that for some things you will need my private password to get to read...
People, with all their complicated messages and ideas. Some private personal soul wrenching details; others just a bit sideways that take unraveling. The vast majority un-chartered for no reason other than lack of opportunity. Logistically we can't get close to too many but I think if we take the time it is worth it for a few.
Maybe the only person you will ever get to know is yourself. That alone would take a lifetime+ Of course it may be rather nice to share it with another and have them help you on the journey - work out those posts/areas in which you have come to a brick wall and need a conversation to move forward and grow.
LOL, did Miss Independent get all soppy about boys for a minute? Not likely! Just, you know, I concede that it can actually be a good thing. Say, for example, when you want to give strangers a bed for the night and don't like the idea of being alone in the house with them... ENTER The Husband! :-P Until then, I've got my friends to keep me talking and walking. Plus, there aren't enough Christian men for everybody and it would feel selfish to nab one for meself!
Ha ha ha. I'm going to bed. This is just the tip of the iceberb...
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Huzzah!
I'm online... and I've got a lot to say... but right now I have to go out...
Still, I just spoke to my dear French teacher (now my phone package has kicked in too I can make foreign calls) about seeing her next week in Geneva and she said such a sweet thing I have to share:
I told her how fabulous it has all been since I got back which truly is true, and how happy I am, and she said that when a girl speaks like that it sounds like she is in love... and I'm not! Which is great!!
It really is great because what that means is I am feeling the classic elation of that without the tension of it being dependent on another human being. Or more importantly I am feeling it because of God which means in some way I am getting to where I want to be - putting my First Love first and finding my contentment in Him. Falling in love with Jesus.
I think I'm going to have to go read Song of Solomon again now. I will post more later if I can (lots in the pipeline) but I just like that the day before I come back to La Suisse (or go back I should rather say) I have this encouragement over the direction I am going in; that is to say forward and closer to God.
Huzzah indeed.
P.S. I hope I don't sound all proud and holy, :-S I just get so excited when I feel like I am making progress and God is all affirming about it...
Still, I just spoke to my dear French teacher (now my phone package has kicked in too I can make foreign calls) about seeing her next week in Geneva and she said such a sweet thing I have to share:
I told her how fabulous it has all been since I got back which truly is true, and how happy I am, and she said that when a girl speaks like that it sounds like she is in love... and I'm not! Which is great!!
It really is great because what that means is I am feeling the classic elation of that without the tension of it being dependent on another human being. Or more importantly I am feeling it because of God which means in some way I am getting to where I want to be - putting my First Love first and finding my contentment in Him. Falling in love with Jesus.
I think I'm going to have to go read Song of Solomon again now. I will post more later if I can (lots in the pipeline) but I just like that the day before I come back to La Suisse (or go back I should rather say) I have this encouragement over the direction I am going in; that is to say forward and closer to God.
Huzzah indeed.
P.S. I hope I don't sound all proud and holy, :-S I just get so excited when I feel like I am making progress and God is all affirming about it...
Monday, September 22, 2008
Jesus is my Boyfriend, how about you?
I love the biblical book Song of Songs (though do have a question about it: I thought I had made a mistake when I called it Song of Solomon t'other day but now I think actually it is a translation thing and can be either - am I right or wong?). Aside from being hilarious in parts it has become to me an excellent way of realising the 1st love over the 2nd love. You can even start reading it with the girly ideals of husbandness (which shock horror I have felt on occasion) and get to the realisation that God is the one who does all that really good wooing and fulfilling. Tis really quite special, if you can look past the mental metaphors.
As a women I do feel I can relate rather well to the idea of being the bride of Christ. Nay, in line with the apparently classic North American teenage Christian teaching, I can quite happily consider Him to be my boyfriend for now (don't get me started on where the lines are in that relationship)! But I am all preprogrammed to seek a relationship with Mr Perfect... My question is, how do men do that?
As a women I do feel I can relate rather well to the idea of being the bride of Christ. Nay, in line with the apparently classic North American teenage Christian teaching, I can quite happily consider Him to be my boyfriend for now (don't get me started on where the lines are in that relationship)! But I am all preprogrammed to seek a relationship with Mr Perfect... My question is, how do men do that?
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
It just don't make sense
Two ideas about Christian dating that make no sense to me. Any thoughts on the topic much appreciated.
I very much have the mindset that until we are satisfied by God, being with someone else can be trying to fill the need for His relationship with other stuff. I think I have been pretty clear on this. Getting right with God is priority and then if He so wishes He will bless one with a partner.
But then there is the whole 1 Corinthian 7 point of view that says you are to be with someone IF you can't deal with the matters of singleness. Be it lust, loneliness, dependency, insecurity or other. It is like marriage is what you do when you can't deal with being alone, not when you are content in aloneness.
So it stands to reason that if you are struggling in singleness you need to come to God to deal with it so that your relationship with Him is sorted and that He gets the priority. But then, once you deal with this you no longer need to get married 'cause He is enough and Paul says it is better not to.
Oversimplification perhaps but for this maths student the idea of marriage seems, therefore, to be what we do when we can't achieve sufficient intimacy with Jesus or affinity to the Kingdom. (Boy that sounds a lot more judgemental than I mean! I apply this equally to someone that is not married yet can't help but see the appeal and certainly don't actually mean that those who are have compromised their beliefs, just that I don't get it... hence the question.) Which definitely leaves an issue when it comes to the idea of ever dating someone - "Well baby, I wanna be with you 'cause I have failed in my faith". Not really gonna cut it as a classic Christian chat up line and I don't think relationships tinged with letting God down really do that well.
And then of course one must wonder where go forth and multiply comes into it. We can't ALL adopt singleness or there would very soon be no new people at all. Not to mention the fact that I feel obliged to play a part in populating the planet given that there are so many chav babies out there...
I very much have the mindset that until we are satisfied by God, being with someone else can be trying to fill the need for His relationship with other stuff. I think I have been pretty clear on this. Getting right with God is priority and then if He so wishes He will bless one with a partner.
But then there is the whole 1 Corinthian 7 point of view that says you are to be with someone IF you can't deal with the matters of singleness. Be it lust, loneliness, dependency, insecurity or other. It is like marriage is what you do when you can't deal with being alone, not when you are content in aloneness.
So it stands to reason that if you are struggling in singleness you need to come to God to deal with it so that your relationship with Him is sorted and that He gets the priority. But then, once you deal with this you no longer need to get married 'cause He is enough and Paul says it is better not to.
Oversimplification perhaps but for this maths student the idea of marriage seems, therefore, to be what we do when we can't achieve sufficient intimacy with Jesus or affinity to the Kingdom. (Boy that sounds a lot more judgemental than I mean! I apply this equally to someone that is not married yet can't help but see the appeal and certainly don't actually mean that those who are have compromised their beliefs, just that I don't get it... hence the question.) Which definitely leaves an issue when it comes to the idea of ever dating someone - "Well baby, I wanna be with you 'cause I have failed in my faith". Not really gonna cut it as a classic Christian chat up line and I don't think relationships tinged with letting God down really do that well.
And then of course one must wonder where go forth and multiply comes into it. We can't ALL adopt singleness or there would very soon be no new people at all. Not to mention the fact that I feel obliged to play a part in populating the planet given that there are so many chav babies out there...
Saturday, August 9, 2008
If people don't like me they can fuck off... and they do!
For a long time this was my mantra. I lived by it. I wrote it on my Facebook (a sure sign of it's significance). It may even be on my Blogger profile.
Now I don't know.
I have been thinking a lot about where the line is when it comes to changing for other people. This is the major issue that I am dealing with at the moment, having been triggered by various and completely unrelated scenarios and conversations over the last few days.
It is not at all black and white.
I don't like things that are grey. For one thing it suggests uncertainty and that is only bearable for me when it's God imposed (and still frustrating!) and for another, it often requires lots of thinking and processing and organising of those thoughts until I reach a content conclusion.
And I am not quite sure I have ever had to deal (since Jesus) with a question this complex, confusing and potentially upsetting before. Where finding an answer could really affect my outlook and, nay, the need for that answer is quite significant. I can't go through life undecided on this front.
So, having been theoretical and completely vague up till this point, let's have a look see if I can come up with some solid expositions of my dilemma.
Have you ever found something really petty really annoying about other people? I have. Loads of times. I feel bad the amounts I have told people I care about off for eating loudly or blowing thier nose in a funny way. I have also been on the receiving end a fair amount - for example, when I was younger I developed an obsessive sniff that I used to get commented on at school and it also came back in my later teenage years and never really left. This year it has really calmed down to the point that it isn't really a part of my identity anymore, which is really cool. That and other stuffs too (take a moment to, literally, Thank The Lord). These days I am really in the school of thought that tolerance is something that we should show to others and that loving them comes first and foremost, above anything insignificant that they may do to annoy us (Easier said than done: I am a theoriser, not a practical adviser). Isn't it better to deal with frustrations by asking God to help and not to let Satan's little grievances get into out relationships and kill the love (I think one can easily take a secular approach to this and look at trying to be loving to others and just ignore the God/devil bit). So, I am sorry that I ever told you off for stupid habits and I will try and work through it in me instead of expressing it to you when I am pissed off (feel free to hold me accountable too... I will need it). That said, if criticising is something that frustrates me, is that in itself not a rather petty thing? Perhaps I should just take it, so as not to be a hypocrite? [Note: these observations apply to petty habits, not to people that are doing mean shit... then you can have a smackdown.]
The thing is, as I said, I come from a background of receiving criticism over little things which has led me to strongly feel that it is too petty to be worth addressing. Talking with a friend tonight, who is very into personal development, I was opened up to the idea that when someone says something, regardless of how unimportant it seems to you, it is an opportunity to say "I don't want to be the kind of person that does things to annoy you so I will try and change and anyway, it is always good to improve oneself". Interesting approach. I suppose I would probably normally say to myself at the best "I don't like that you just criticised me but I will try and rise above it" or on a tougher day "I don't like that you criticised me and will try and prove to you that it was wrong!". None of those are very love thy neighbour are they... That said, it still does not take into account that people don't have the right to make you feel bad about yourself and one of my biggest grievances with Christianity is the misconstrution that we are to let others walk all over us regardless of how hurtful or just plain in the wrong they are.
But is that misconstrued? Surely turn the other cheek is, basically, just that?
There is a further question to all this. One which goes beyond annoying habits... What if your very personality is one that people around you can't cope with?
This is something i have to deal with on a daily basis!
And there is definitely a not-grey area within which I try to be considerate, at least most of the time. This is one of the main reasons I have given up drinking coffee. And try to, sometimes at least, think before I speak.
But right now I want to draw the line at actively trying to "cure" my condition. This sounds really strange and more than a little confusing but, basically, I am incredibly obtuse at times. And loud and overt and intense. [And, I will concede, absolutely loveable - to some of the people some of the time.] This is all to the point that it is widely assumed (and as yet half-diagnosed) that I have ADHD. (I publish this a day late and since writing have had a total stranger ask me if I was after 5 minutes of conversation.) Which isn't something that I particularly feel comfortable writing on the internet but it explains best what I am getting at and is something I would end up telling almost anyone if it came up in conversation anyway, so isn't a big secret. The point it it's part of me, there are definitely good sides to it, God seems to be showing me ways to help with the negatives but in some ways I could definitely be easier on everyone if I were to take the pills everyday and actually want to be different (which actually, I do sometimes but I rather think that ties in with fluctuating self-esteem issues - that is a whole aside about which came first and could be quite relevant to my answer were I to be able to formulate my thoughts).
I may find out one day that I am not ADHD, which to be honest would be a bit shit because then I have no excuse at all and would have to face my inadequacy at studying without getting any tools or having excuses. Still, the dilemma would stand. How much of me must I change in order that I do have functioning relationships with others? Does the old wives tale that "if your friends want you to be different they don't really care about you and aren't worth it" really stand? And what about "you should only change for yourself, no-one else"?? Am I just being selfish to even want to stay as I am and be accepted for it and foolish to think that maybe people should be challenged on what they expect others to conform to...?
The problem of bad experiences rise again. I have know criticism from people that, after all, probably didn't have my best interests at heart. Ergo, I now want to fight to the death for my right to be who I am. Bang my own drum as it were. Have I let the attacks just cause me to be blind to my faults and defend in an over sensitive manner things that would just make sense to let go of? Or am I just more aware of the question because I have had to give it some proper thought?
My true identity is in Christ and there are lots of ways in which I can justify compromising certain aspects of my verbosity in order to encompass love and compassion and perseverance and what not. But so many of these things don't seem to fit into a camp of 'good-Christian' or 'bad-Christian'. I don't want to change so that I can have friends (I do have some friendships by the way, I am writing more from an aspect of concern for their health and continued existence!), it goes against every bone in my body. Yet, everyone needs friends right? Perhaps even a "significant other" one-day (was at a hen 'do' today and one has to concede at least that perhaps there are some benefits to boyfriends). A blog isn't really enough and if it were to mean functioning relationships in my life is it not a worthwhile sacrifice? We always have to give things up for those we love, I know that. So why not who we are...
When it comes down to it, if everyone does fuck off, would it have been worth holding onto my "identity"?
P.S. I wrote this quite tired and stressed. I had a really good Sunday and will try and do a follow up post tomorrow (that is Mon) to bring in some less self-defacing thoughts and some truly fabulous things that I learnt. Question still stands though, just take the negativity with a pinch of salt.
Now I don't know.
I have been thinking a lot about where the line is when it comes to changing for other people. This is the major issue that I am dealing with at the moment, having been triggered by various and completely unrelated scenarios and conversations over the last few days.
It is not at all black and white.
I don't like things that are grey. For one thing it suggests uncertainty and that is only bearable for me when it's God imposed (and still frustrating!) and for another, it often requires lots of thinking and processing and organising of those thoughts until I reach a content conclusion.
And I am not quite sure I have ever had to deal (since Jesus) with a question this complex, confusing and potentially upsetting before. Where finding an answer could really affect my outlook and, nay, the need for that answer is quite significant. I can't go through life undecided on this front.
So, having been theoretical and completely vague up till this point, let's have a look see if I can come up with some solid expositions of my dilemma.
Have you ever found something really petty really annoying about other people? I have. Loads of times. I feel bad the amounts I have told people I care about off for eating loudly or blowing thier nose in a funny way. I have also been on the receiving end a fair amount - for example, when I was younger I developed an obsessive sniff that I used to get commented on at school and it also came back in my later teenage years and never really left. This year it has really calmed down to the point that it isn't really a part of my identity anymore, which is really cool. That and other stuffs too (take a moment to, literally, Thank The Lord). These days I am really in the school of thought that tolerance is something that we should show to others and that loving them comes first and foremost, above anything insignificant that they may do to annoy us (Easier said than done: I am a theoriser, not a practical adviser). Isn't it better to deal with frustrations by asking God to help and not to let Satan's little grievances get into out relationships and kill the love (I think one can easily take a secular approach to this and look at trying to be loving to others and just ignore the God/devil bit). So, I am sorry that I ever told you off for stupid habits and I will try and work through it in me instead of expressing it to you when I am pissed off (feel free to hold me accountable too... I will need it). That said, if criticising is something that frustrates me, is that in itself not a rather petty thing? Perhaps I should just take it, so as not to be a hypocrite? [Note: these observations apply to petty habits, not to people that are doing mean shit... then you can have a smackdown.]
The thing is, as I said, I come from a background of receiving criticism over little things which has led me to strongly feel that it is too petty to be worth addressing. Talking with a friend tonight, who is very into personal development, I was opened up to the idea that when someone says something, regardless of how unimportant it seems to you, it is an opportunity to say "I don't want to be the kind of person that does things to annoy you so I will try and change and anyway, it is always good to improve oneself". Interesting approach. I suppose I would probably normally say to myself at the best "I don't like that you just criticised me but I will try and rise above it" or on a tougher day "I don't like that you criticised me and will try and prove to you that it was wrong!". None of those are very love thy neighbour are they... That said, it still does not take into account that people don't have the right to make you feel bad about yourself and one of my biggest grievances with Christianity is the misconstrution that we are to let others walk all over us regardless of how hurtful or just plain in the wrong they are.
But is that misconstrued? Surely turn the other cheek is, basically, just that?
There is a further question to all this. One which goes beyond annoying habits... What if your very personality is one that people around you can't cope with?
This is something i have to deal with on a daily basis!
And there is definitely a not-grey area within which I try to be considerate, at least most of the time. This is one of the main reasons I have given up drinking coffee. And try to, sometimes at least, think before I speak.
But right now I want to draw the line at actively trying to "cure" my condition. This sounds really strange and more than a little confusing but, basically, I am incredibly obtuse at times. And loud and overt and intense. [And, I will concede, absolutely loveable - to some of the people some of the time.] This is all to the point that it is widely assumed (and as yet half-diagnosed) that I have ADHD. (I publish this a day late and since writing have had a total stranger ask me if I was after 5 minutes of conversation.) Which isn't something that I particularly feel comfortable writing on the internet but it explains best what I am getting at and is something I would end up telling almost anyone if it came up in conversation anyway, so isn't a big secret. The point it it's part of me, there are definitely good sides to it, God seems to be showing me ways to help with the negatives but in some ways I could definitely be easier on everyone if I were to take the pills everyday and actually want to be different (which actually, I do sometimes but I rather think that ties in with fluctuating self-esteem issues - that is a whole aside about which came first and could be quite relevant to my answer were I to be able to formulate my thoughts).
I may find out one day that I am not ADHD, which to be honest would be a bit shit because then I have no excuse at all and would have to face my inadequacy at studying without getting any tools or having excuses. Still, the dilemma would stand. How much of me must I change in order that I do have functioning relationships with others? Does the old wives tale that "if your friends want you to be different they don't really care about you and aren't worth it" really stand? And what about "you should only change for yourself, no-one else"?? Am I just being selfish to even want to stay as I am and be accepted for it and foolish to think that maybe people should be challenged on what they expect others to conform to...?
The problem of bad experiences rise again. I have know criticism from people that, after all, probably didn't have my best interests at heart. Ergo, I now want to fight to the death for my right to be who I am. Bang my own drum as it were. Have I let the attacks just cause me to be blind to my faults and defend in an over sensitive manner things that would just make sense to let go of? Or am I just more aware of the question because I have had to give it some proper thought?
My true identity is in Christ and there are lots of ways in which I can justify compromising certain aspects of my verbosity in order to encompass love and compassion and perseverance and what not. But so many of these things don't seem to fit into a camp of 'good-Christian' or 'bad-Christian'. I don't want to change so that I can have friends (I do have some friendships by the way, I am writing more from an aspect of concern for their health and continued existence!), it goes against every bone in my body. Yet, everyone needs friends right? Perhaps even a "significant other" one-day (was at a hen 'do' today and one has to concede at least that perhaps there are some benefits to boyfriends). A blog isn't really enough and if it were to mean functioning relationships in my life is it not a worthwhile sacrifice? We always have to give things up for those we love, I know that. So why not who we are...
When it comes down to it, if everyone does fuck off, would it have been worth holding onto my "identity"?
P.S. I wrote this quite tired and stressed. I had a really good Sunday and will try and do a follow up post tomorrow (that is Mon) to bring in some less self-defacing thoughts and some truly fabulous things that I learnt. Question still stands though, just take the negativity with a pinch of salt.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
10 Things I Hate About [insert just about anything here right now]
I am in a bit of a shit mood. Thus I shall fulfill the venting element of my relationship with BGB.
For starters, I just knocked two really pretty expensive (well, one did not cost a lot but it is worth a lot I just know how to shop well; note also that price is relative and I am a student!) delicate beaded dresses on top of a really pretty dried (not dead) 'strawberry blonde' rose, thus endangering the two and destroying the latter which by the way was the last one of a really pretty bunch given to me on my birthday.
Plus I am really tired even though I slept 12 hours last night. I feel like I never really woke up properly today and thus am worrying that I am foreseeing a difficult recovery from the past week and will inevitably be hurtled into busy life again before I am ready to be, which in turn will result in the crazy scary mean Kat(i)e who does not live in the full glory of God but stumbles through in the dark and doesn't even know how to get back to light. I have too much to do this week to not be OK for it!
The weather just turned cold and none of my jeans fit me anymore :-(
I am losing my voice which is making speaking and singing and well, all kinds of communication, impossible/very hard, painful and tiring.
I made lots of bad choices today resulting in feeling like nothing was productive, everything took longer than it should, I ate too much crap, spent too much money and interacted poorly with people I didn't know. Leaving me feeling like a spazzock and that I wasted a day that was supposed to be really cool (just 'cause days are these days) but wasn't.
The biggest bummer is that at the time I wasn't even able to see what was wrong and only realised everything too late which means that it couldn't have been any different anyways. I don't quite know where I went wrong as I was trying to rest and thought I had done so but my brain is not functioning properly implying that I haven't. Maybe I didn't stop soon enough and so it will take a while to get back to top form but I am a little bit worried that I never will and being fuzzy in the head is not a very nice feeling when you are supposed to be processing things.
All in all I am pissed off 'cause yesterday life rocked and now things have changed so quickly, without anything specific actually being wrong even. I suppose that being tired and sick and confused will do that to oneself but it just sucks that I can lose track of joy when it was so very profound.
In good things I found another suitcase in the street, which will come in handy when my friends come over and take back stuff for me. But it is not leopard print so it doesn't really count for much more than neutral.
I feel like a bit of a bitch to everyone I hung out with today! I'm not saying you were a waste of time, just me that's all. Hopefully there will be progress before the YAGs BBQ/pool party tomorrow else I will be a sulky cow and probably have a hissy fit. Could be interesting but not ideal.
On that note bed calls...
P.S. For those who thought "raised to the ground" was a strange phrase actually it is not. The word is "razed" and it originates in latin - think erase. You might still think it's strange but at least you can spell it now!
For starters, I just knocked two really pretty expensive (well, one did not cost a lot but it is worth a lot I just know how to shop well; note also that price is relative and I am a student!) delicate beaded dresses on top of a really pretty dried (not dead) 'strawberry blonde' rose, thus endangering the two and destroying the latter which by the way was the last one of a really pretty bunch given to me on my birthday.
Plus I am really tired even though I slept 12 hours last night. I feel like I never really woke up properly today and thus am worrying that I am foreseeing a difficult recovery from the past week and will inevitably be hurtled into busy life again before I am ready to be, which in turn will result in the crazy scary mean Kat(i)e who does not live in the full glory of God but stumbles through in the dark and doesn't even know how to get back to light. I have too much to do this week to not be OK for it!
The weather just turned cold and none of my jeans fit me anymore :-(
I am losing my voice which is making speaking and singing and well, all kinds of communication, impossible/very hard, painful and tiring.
I made lots of bad choices today resulting in feeling like nothing was productive, everything took longer than it should, I ate too much crap, spent too much money and interacted poorly with people I didn't know. Leaving me feeling like a spazzock and that I wasted a day that was supposed to be really cool (just 'cause days are these days) but wasn't.
The biggest bummer is that at the time I wasn't even able to see what was wrong and only realised everything too late which means that it couldn't have been any different anyways. I don't quite know where I went wrong as I was trying to rest and thought I had done so but my brain is not functioning properly implying that I haven't. Maybe I didn't stop soon enough and so it will take a while to get back to top form but I am a little bit worried that I never will and being fuzzy in the head is not a very nice feeling when you are supposed to be processing things.
All in all I am pissed off 'cause yesterday life rocked and now things have changed so quickly, without anything specific actually being wrong even. I suppose that being tired and sick and confused will do that to oneself but it just sucks that I can lose track of joy when it was so very profound.
In good things I found another suitcase in the street, which will come in handy when my friends come over and take back stuff for me. But it is not leopard print so it doesn't really count for much more than neutral.
I feel like a bit of a bitch to everyone I hung out with today! I'm not saying you were a waste of time, just me that's all. Hopefully there will be progress before the YAGs BBQ/pool party tomorrow else I will be a sulky cow and probably have a hissy fit. Could be interesting but not ideal.
On that note bed calls...
P.S. For those who thought "raised to the ground" was a strange phrase actually it is not. The word is "razed" and it originates in latin - think erase. You might still think it's strange but at least you can spell it now!
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Relational Matters
I have always found trousers a bit of a tricky thing to buy. Different people have different tailoring needs but for me it is pantalons that are cut in an unhelpful manner. That's ok though, after quite a lot of shopping experience I have worked out exactly what does and does not suit or flatter. I now have quite a collection of trousers in fact, and wear them a whole lot. I can see on the hanger what will or won't fit right and exactly what size I need. As I have mentioned it before, shopping is one of my spiritual gifts.
And I think obscure analogy making is another. I was in a cute (yet very touristy) market in Montreux yesterday and I found one of those fake-hippy stalls. The kind where everything is really cool but thoroughly overpriced and overdesigned. That is in part the look I go for these days and so I was of course excited to see the cool baggy trousers (Sinbad style) in a whole range of takes, textures, and colours. This I felt was one of my 'safebet' styles and so with glee I take 4 pairs into the makeshift cubicle. And not one pair fit. Rejected by an item of clothing.
Now, I find that when one goes clothes shopping and for some reason things just aren't going right, it is best to stop before it gets too much. I mean, it may be 'cause what is in season really doesn't suit you; or you're having a bad face/hair/fat day and can't look in the mirror! Or perhaps just low sugar levels and a non-relaxed attitude, which are not at all conducive to this kind of shopping. There ought to be official research done but I would postulate that when a woman has low success in the changing room department, she needs to stop after circa 5 consecutive let downs and quit while she is still able to walk down the road looking straight ahead. Else things just get messy. I have perfected this well and these days I have enough confidence to tell myself that those trousers were not made for women of my stature and that it was OK 'cause the ones I was wearing were better anyway. I know how to shop in an uplifting manner.
But do I know how to deal with people (as opposed to 'pant') rejection? I have a feeling I've applied the same rule. I give it a go a bit, take a few blows and then leave the arena convinced that I am OK without.
Being a Christian has facilitated this a lot too. Particularly as I have recently been learning the lesson that God is enough to satisfy all my needs and the only one that can and should bolster me. How easy is it to turn around and say that, in conclusion, man does not satisfy anything and definitely both can't and shouldn't. So in true opposites fashion I have now, today, been challenged to wonder if perhaps I do not rates relationships with people enough. Like when I learnt to love myself so much I had to then address the issue of vanity!
Now, I am not talking about boy-girl relationships in particular but the next bit of this blog pertains to a conversation I had on that topic. I was talking today with someone who had quite a different opinion to me on Christian dating. He did challenge me quite a lot (about how not long term relationships have value for both learning and support) but I think I am still in the same place as before the conversation (that God is kinda the central theme at the moment and that, for me, any relationship that may or may not develop at some point in the future would have to have longevity potential else it is just a distraction and waste of emotional and other resources). I explained my current thinking to this chap as such: the merits of a relationship with a particular individual, in the completely healthy non-dependent, not distracting sense, are admittedly envious (I have noticed this also with having Robyn in my life - in some ways she is like an actual husband!); there is someone there to talk to about the shit stuff, share the amazing stuff, have follow your life story and really care, give you feedback when you need it and just listen when you are ranting. There's also praying together, reading the Bible together and generally build towards a future, together; and more besides I don't doubt. It is pretty neat. But my point was, and as I was about to say to this boy, I've realised I have God to do all that with.
Expect, of course, he wanted to make a witty comment and thus when I said "I have ...", he inserted "a blog".
Ha ha ha. The funny thing is that it's become a bit of a longstanding joke how I 'advertise' my blog in general conversation to everyone I meet. It stems from the blog-off and I find it amusing (though I am sure no-one else does) enough that it is pretty much inexhaustible. This day, however, I had not mentioned once to him that I have a blog.
So that comment actually hit me pretty hard, even though he was just joking 'cause of what I said about sharing and off-loading. It made me wonder if perhaps I have an unhealthy relationship with my blog as a bit of a replacement for a significant other and perhaps with all the dangers of gratification seeking. [Wow, how crazy does that sound as I do a read through!]
But you know, I don't think so. Relationship, yes, but unhealthy? Maybe this sounds like justification but, well, I think I may have given relationships (in both the generic and specific sense) a taboo that is in fact the uncool thing. God did not create us to be isolated from each other, even those called to singleness are meant to have society and friends and confidants and mentors and whatnot; I mean, that is what we call the church, right? God definitely digs that: Hebrews 10:25. Plus, as I said a couple of posts ago, I want to share what God is doing in my life and not be tempted to keep it back. Relating to people is a key part of what we as human beings are supposed to do, both for our own wellbeing and for His glory.
Turning to man instead of God is not cool, but since we are made in His image I think that seeing God in fellow man is pretty exciting too. The thing to remember is that, when secure in His love for us, the failings of others do not matter. Like my ace pair of trousers that I went back to when all the others didn't fit right.
Keeping relationships healthy is just as much about avoiding independence as it is dependence. Isn't it funny how it took a realisation about my positive relationship with a lil' bit of cyberspace for me to acknowledge that relating to people can be a good thing!
And I think obscure analogy making is another. I was in a cute (yet very touristy) market in Montreux yesterday and I found one of those fake-hippy stalls. The kind where everything is really cool but thoroughly overpriced and overdesigned. That is in part the look I go for these days and so I was of course excited to see the cool baggy trousers (Sinbad style) in a whole range of takes, textures, and colours. This I felt was one of my 'safebet' styles and so with glee I take 4 pairs into the makeshift cubicle. And not one pair fit. Rejected by an item of clothing.
Now, I find that when one goes clothes shopping and for some reason things just aren't going right, it is best to stop before it gets too much. I mean, it may be 'cause what is in season really doesn't suit you; or you're having a bad face/hair/fat day and can't look in the mirror! Or perhaps just low sugar levels and a non-relaxed attitude, which are not at all conducive to this kind of shopping. There ought to be official research done but I would postulate that when a woman has low success in the changing room department, she needs to stop after circa 5 consecutive let downs and quit while she is still able to walk down the road looking straight ahead. Else things just get messy. I have perfected this well and these days I have enough confidence to tell myself that those trousers were not made for women of my stature and that it was OK 'cause the ones I was wearing were better anyway. I know how to shop in an uplifting manner.
But do I know how to deal with people (as opposed to 'pant') rejection? I have a feeling I've applied the same rule. I give it a go a bit, take a few blows and then leave the arena convinced that I am OK without.
Being a Christian has facilitated this a lot too. Particularly as I have recently been learning the lesson that God is enough to satisfy all my needs and the only one that can and should bolster me. How easy is it to turn around and say that, in conclusion, man does not satisfy anything and definitely both can't and shouldn't. So in true opposites fashion I have now, today, been challenged to wonder if perhaps I do not rates relationships with people enough. Like when I learnt to love myself so much I had to then address the issue of vanity!
Now, I am not talking about boy-girl relationships in particular but the next bit of this blog pertains to a conversation I had on that topic. I was talking today with someone who had quite a different opinion to me on Christian dating. He did challenge me quite a lot (about how not long term relationships have value for both learning and support) but I think I am still in the same place as before the conversation (that God is kinda the central theme at the moment and that, for me, any relationship that may or may not develop at some point in the future would have to have longevity potential else it is just a distraction and waste of emotional and other resources). I explained my current thinking to this chap as such: the merits of a relationship with a particular individual, in the completely healthy non-dependent, not distracting sense, are admittedly envious (I have noticed this also with having Robyn in my life - in some ways she is like an actual husband!); there is someone there to talk to about the shit stuff, share the amazing stuff, have follow your life story and really care, give you feedback when you need it and just listen when you are ranting. There's also praying together, reading the Bible together and generally build towards a future, together; and more besides I don't doubt. It is pretty neat. But my point was, and as I was about to say to this boy, I've realised I have God to do all that with.
Expect, of course, he wanted to make a witty comment and thus when I said "I have ...", he inserted "a blog".
Ha ha ha. The funny thing is that it's become a bit of a longstanding joke how I 'advertise' my blog in general conversation to everyone I meet. It stems from the blog-off and I find it amusing (though I am sure no-one else does) enough that it is pretty much inexhaustible. This day, however, I had not mentioned once to him that I have a blog.
So that comment actually hit me pretty hard, even though he was just joking 'cause of what I said about sharing and off-loading. It made me wonder if perhaps I have an unhealthy relationship with my blog as a bit of a replacement for a significant other and perhaps with all the dangers of gratification seeking. [Wow, how crazy does that sound as I do a read through!]
But you know, I don't think so. Relationship, yes, but unhealthy? Maybe this sounds like justification but, well, I think I may have given relationships (in both the generic and specific sense) a taboo that is in fact the uncool thing. God did not create us to be isolated from each other, even those called to singleness are meant to have society and friends and confidants and mentors and whatnot; I mean, that is what we call the church, right? God definitely digs that: Hebrews 10:25. Plus, as I said a couple of posts ago, I want to share what God is doing in my life and not be tempted to keep it back. Relating to people is a key part of what we as human beings are supposed to do, both for our own wellbeing and for His glory.
Turning to man instead of God is not cool, but since we are made in His image I think that seeing God in fellow man is pretty exciting too. The thing to remember is that, when secure in His love for us, the failings of others do not matter. Like my ace pair of trousers that I went back to when all the others didn't fit right.
Keeping relationships healthy is just as much about avoiding independence as it is dependence. Isn't it funny how it took a realisation about my positive relationship with a lil' bit of cyberspace for me to acknowledge that relating to people can be a good thing!
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