Inspired by a Fictional Nun

New developments in the never ending saga that is my Philosophy essay (my, what a boring saga that is) are underway so I suppose I had better fill you in on where things got left off, a week ago tonight, when I realised that despite all the hope in the world I was not going to get it done... I'm finally sharing the relevant parts of the post I wrote last weekend before I went slightly awol and had to wait till I was back in the game so it wasn't false enthusiasm. Here goes:

Jean Jacques Rousseau may have had ADHD but I bet he didn't have deadlines

Ok. A side note. I am starting think that my attitude of "I can't but it's OK 'cause God can" may have been slightly self-defeating and perhaps not the most helpful. Not allowing for the idea that God's input might come from who I've already been created as, instead of all success arriving in an external miraculous bang. I was so sure that CBT is science's discovery of faith, I forgot I can still have faith in myself. Not in myself to be great objectively but in myself as made in the image of a clever, creative God. So I will take that and move ahead with a different outlook, thanks to some good chats with my mum. Believing in God doesn't mean I should stop believing in me, I am after all a subset (part of the body of Christ) and therefore the first implies the second!

But that lesson is a part of what God has been doing and so I can't regret not applying it sooner. I must simply look at what has come to pass and learn from it... and this seems to be one of many things to learn.

As it stands I have an extension till next Friday (20th) and many thanks for the support from my university. My tutor told me weeks ago that Jean Jacques Rousseau (bit of a fave of mine and from Geneva don'tcha know!) had ADHD and he just managed it with working on loads of things at once... when it went a bit tits up I said to him that thing what I wrote above and he totally agreed and has been really helpful. I have an ace doctor and everyone seems to want to facilitate my "special needs" so that, even though I do hate it, at least I can get over myself and ask for help.

It has been pretty irritating that I am still in this place. Still not secure in my ability to succeed, still not being able to socialise freely (though I have some amazingly support friends and family so that is cool), still under pressure. Still totally dependent...

But I have come to the conclusion that that is where God wants me. Indeed, this whole "I'd rather not, but..." attitude is *quite* silly I realise. If it is what God is doing then absolutely it is the best place to be so I have got to stop begrudgingly accepting those things that I would not choose for myself as some kind of self-sacrificing act. His purpose being worked out is the only sensible option to seek and to be anything other than totally grateful is a bit ridiculous... especially as the occurrence of things you would tend to avoid must be when God has specially put them in place to make sure they happen, meaning He is making a specific personal effort in our lives so that we get what we need. Ergo, thanks for everything!

So actually, last Thursday night life was alright. I won't say I was amazing and had complete integrity, I had a big moment where I panicked and despaired and was grateful for a wise sister to speak truths into my life, but I then found this miraculous peace and the joy I had spoken of earlier that day. Which was not me. That is, it didn't come from within.

The reason I say that is 'cause I have been in this place before. As I alluded to, the semi-diagnosis of ADHD has been no surprise because every year since I can remember, whenever "deadline time" came round, my world would fall apart. It's the reason I failed at uni my first first year, then had minor breakdowns the next two years, then took a gap year (where my world was rocked!) to take a breather. I have so many memories of "night before" 's even from before my GCSE's (school at age 14-16): that feeling of panic, despair, resolution, apathy. I had all these techniques (one of my favourites being clothes shopping in ASDA at midnight) for escape or distraction. It became the scariest thing in the world as time slowly brings round the moment where you know it is all on the line and you almost certainly can't make it better. I had so much fear in being a student and having to face this. I love the idea of academia but I just stopped being able to cope with attainment.

So coming back to uni, finally with clarity about why this happens and "fortunately" with a new found faith, I knew what I had to do was trust in God. Trust Him to find me treatment, trust Him to be my treatment, trust (this was a whisper but was never a truly considerable fact) that if I failed it would be the right thing. When I had my first presentation that required me to read and understand this really difficult subject I felt like if it didn't happen all my faith would die, because I knew I was so dependent on His help - it just about came together. The second time I knew it would be horrible but that it would happen and I could feel how my faith was growing. (I have this great analogy to do with my broken shower. If I never end up giving it then do ask me in person.) This essay at the end of the course became the crux of the issue. Those tiny other things all building up to this big moment where all my hope is pinned on Him and how knowing Him changes my life: from failure and despair to success and delight.

And I couldn't do it. Not even a bit, the bottom fell out of my point leaving me with no hope of reformulating my essay over night. I don't understand anything else in this course at all so this was the only hope for... AND, the amazing part is, I was glad.

In the run up to Friday I was learning A LOT. In particular seeing how my faith did not depend on finite, here and now successes, 'cause the really important stuff is the eternal. It went through my mind as I wrote about this then that actually, perhaps the only was I would know this to be true is if I could experience it. Don't tell me I sabotaged myself, believe me I was all about closure on this baby, but I can SO see how God knew this would be right for me. For one thing, now I know for a fact that my faith is bigger than what my degree has thus far chucked at me. This is a milestone in intimacy and security with God. This is truly astounding!

'Cause knowing Him does change my life. It change the very definition of failure and it wipes out capacity for distress. This is where peace that passes understanding comes from. Following Jesus isn't about life going better; sometimes it's even worse (caged animals don't get hunted). It's about what is important being so utterly altered that in the face of anything horrible, joy can flow. Only one thing we know cannot be touched by the world but that is the only thing that matters anyway - our way to God and the relationship that is enabled because of that.

I think that God is picking off my fears one at at time. To steal an ideal from Mother Superior in 'The Sound of Music' (for which I will not apologise), you cannot escape your fears by running away (back to the Abbey). Even if you run to God, you can't then expect everything to no longer be there, you have to face them. So, like Maria with Captain Von Trapp, I see that God has been doing just that in me. He isn't always going to be our hiding place. There as a refuge, we must then take the strength He gives that enables us to face our fear, so that it can never again have a hold, no matter how dangerous our surroundings.

I used to be afraid of rejection, so I had to experience it in my post-tenebras era (I didn't even intend to put myself on the line... I suppose that was the point!); I hated the idea of performing in public in case I sucked, so when I did, I did! (the Halloween gig, I'm not exaggerating it was *quite* a disaster but it didn't actually matter!); I dreaded disappointment so it just kept coming 'til I realised that I have hope in more important things... now I stare failure in the face and I don't even flinch. Well, not at this minute anyway. I don't suppose I am done with as yet! The point is, though, that these things may seem scary and like nothing has changed but because I am different they don't have the same effect, the power is taken away.

So I can look back at those times, see what it was God has done, and be actually grateful. As my friend Jenny points out, maybe I am sometimes just analysing too much and need to wait till I get a complete perspective from the vantage point of being further up the road. (She didn't say it exactly like that but poetic license...!) It is true. I now get what was happening then, I feel like I may understand what happened last Thursday night, I have no idea what will possibly be the net result of this whole affair (nay my life!) but I can rest assured that it will be totally the best thing 'cause that is what God promised.

So I am setting myself against "I'd rather not, but..." 's, not because I think that it is possible for me to achieve that amazing holy status by making the decision to, but because I haven't actually got a clue what my alternatives really are and I don't want to begrudge, even for a moment, what amazing progress God has in store... I mean look at Maria: she married a rich, sexy captain who could sing!