Try Hard

It’s so hard for me to get that He appreciates that I try. I mean, really, I just can’t get how trying can be that important.

Is it the world telling me that I need to succeed or is it that I really really want this? Either way, it takes a long time for me to grasp the idea no matter how often I have heard it.

Enough people have said things to me about how it is the service that counts and not the result. He isn’t interested in how I come out of this (I mean, He cares but that probably isn’t the thing that’s going to deepen our relationship) but only wants to know that my heart is in the right place. That is, before His throne.

Yet I am still not listening. Not been taking this detail in at all until just now.

Now I finally see.

Problem is that, actually, I’m not sure my heart is before His throne. Not really. Maybe it is residue despondency; I mean I haven’t exactly “worked out” all the issues we were having before, I just put them on hold to focus on my needs and they became temporarily less important. I also feel like I have just forgotten why worship in all that I do is that important. Or maybe, just maybe I find it too hard.

The thing about when you get depressed is that literally the only way you can choose to serve God sometimes is through the way you think. That is hard to evidence (problem for proud people like me!), it is hard to be accountable in and it is just plain simple hard to control. A similar thing happens as I find myself inept in this sort of mental capacity way. Serving God becomes about reading a book that you don’t understand with noone that can help you and a strong suspicion that it won’t do any good. The fact that all this trying isn’t even necessarily supposed to pay off pretty much sucks.

Particularly with my current tendency to be self-deprecating and cynical and generally blurgghh. I suppose what I’m saying is that serving God with no return just doesn’t feel that great. All the other times I at least get a warm fuzzy for helping someone or for becoming more holy. Or for getting fit and losing the cheese and chocolate pounds from La Suisse (it’s called Love Running and it gives something back whilst also taking away unwanted excess!). This way just gives me a headache.

Seriously though. Trying is supposed to generate success. Even with all the relationship problems aside, I don’t like the way wasting time can be a good thing. Like, why do I need to learn a lesson about failure anyway? What’s it preparing me for anyway… heaven?!

I realise how ridiculously contrary this is to all the stuff I wrote about how I am being refined and God knows what is going on, bigger picture, tough love stuff etc etc. I suppose I’m just frustrated that all my caring friends think that trying for the sake of trying is something I actually want to do! They obviously give me too much credit right now…

P.S. On the topic of being frustrated I’m also pretty annoyed by blogging, as of last night. I suddenly feel like I have been exposing myself to the world in some kind of one-way vulnerability that I hadn't really considered before. I may stop... I don’t know, we’ll see… I do still enjoy it, obviously, I just don't know if it's worth it. I really ought to think about these things first...