I am still alive. I am not going to write anything particularly insightful, inciteful, witty or interesting and I am tired. I just feel out of touch with BGB and like I should say hello. You are the most meaningful relationship in my life!
In current news: Cleo has been living with me since last Friday (2 weeks) and has been lovely though a bit gross at times. I drafted a post on that so will leave you in suspense...; I have been really busy but found time to do nothing which was great! More of the same soon please...; I spent 4 hours this afternoon colouring in whilst I helped woman a stall for Voix Libres and they tried to raise money. It felt a bit strange bringing people in to get stuff from them - doing children's work is supposed to be a sneaky way to give them something I thought. Still, have a really pretty picture now and have touched base with my "altruistic" side; carrot eating is not gonig so well - I am averaging 7 on a good day but today I only had three :-( I will probably drink a litre of juice before bed to make up for this; praying is going not much better - I was on a role but then I went and got all despondent and deflated. Will try and bulk up on that before bed too...; Going to my first wedding as a Christian this Saturday. In England. In Snodland moreover. Exciting. Felt like God thinks it's a good idea as the invite was *quite* last minute but it all feel "right" y'know. Am going in fancy dress; I have forgotten how to use punctuation and have no intention of proofreading this for signs of intelligence; things I have been struggling with include feeling like maybe I was overdoing it on the whole God is in charge thing as a way to avoid dealing with life - I realised I can't without Him. But I am slowly working out that while, yes, we are supposed to learn independence over time we are still, overall, subject totally to His will (or if not then by default unfortunately subject to whatever passing danger can find us) and can rest in the fact that He sets us up to survive with things like common sense, freewill (used wisely) and all sorts of stuff like that. I feel like I am being let go of a bit, like a toddler taking first steps, and am not enjoying it and questioning whether the hand is there but when I do fall He props me back up and slowly I think I am catching on that the love has not changed, I have just stepped up a notch.
Hmmm, that was profound wasn't it? I'm even starting a new paragraph to acknowledge that, right now, I am in a place of being let go and finding it scary but now I have worked it out through venting I think I will be ok. I am struggling with the balance between being too scared to go alone and not ignoring God's input and the need to ask for help. I think it is a matter of knowing that He chose my time and place (tried to find the verse, not going to happen) and that I don't need to pray over every date I put in my diary. That said, I am pretty hopeful the wedding counts as significant enough to attribute to God, it is a pretty big upheaval otherwise.
In other news, I am approaching the issue of chucking useless stuff away. The fear I can't combines with the fear I have not changed really, just going through a phase. Screw fear, today I let Caro do my washing up. All things are possible! Allelujah.
I want to stop writing now. I will do some more soon. Oh. I had a thought today. For those Christians out there, I want to start a new man hunt campaign and this time someone that won't find out and knows me. So, I propose that we all start praying for Russell Brand. American's, looking him up it is worth it. Seriously, would that not be the BEST conversion EVER and talk about an interesting follow up biography: "My Conversion Wersion". Or quelque chose comme ça. Seriously, get praying.
Night.
P.S. Just heard that the kickboxing class at my old gym has finished. One of the few good things I was looking forward to going back to in Bristol (as opposed to all the bad things I was looking forward too!). Sad, but also feels like it is cutting ties to past life and now I will find something new. Hmmmm... think think think, one less consistent thing to tide me over but one more freedom too.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Saturday, July 26, 2008
A collection of vaguely comedic things (that will only work if you know the people in question) and a fair amount of tangentialism
We have a friend who is "half Spanish, half American". So, while Beautiful Brian is a nice name it does not reflect his heritage nearly as well a Randy José. Rechristenment done.
The other day one of my competitors was talking about his leather thong. I asked him if it had studs in it. He replied "You could say that" with the classic eyebrow-raise/head nod. 'F you know what I mean... Shocking!
Randy José called me a fucker on the 24th June. My mission in Geneva is complete. People still don't believe me but it is true. I seem to have this affect on people, SO many of them are swearing more with my influence. Hurrah! I mean this too, I am an advocator of a good cuss when it is necessary and think too many people shy away from it. Language is a tool people.
My mum was just as excited as me when I told her about the hair and said that for her it really was a proper sign (maybe this is where I get the silly symbolism streak from) of things being different. I said that I assumed other things, i.e. Baptism, were more so and she said "well yes, but now it's real!" WTF! (Language is a tool people).
I wrote 6 songs this week. I tend to do that more when I am feeling mellow rather than upbeat so I think if I were to have an album it would be called "Music To Almost Slit Your Wrists To But Then Find That There Is A Small Amount of Hope". We went to see Paul Simon at Montreux a few weeks ago and the 'warm up' (if you can call it that in Switzerland where the crowd never gets more than tepid) was a lady singer/songwriter brandishing a guitar, which is always an inspiration. I know it sounds silly but sometimes when I don't get round to writing music I worry that someone else will write the songs that I'm supposed to! Like when you don't fulfill your call so God gives the job to someone else. I really am that paranoid. The thing is, there are only so many chord combos... and words... OK, I am doing the maths and statistically speaking that is unlikely.
Speaking of which, what about going back to maths... ? Well I am excited, unprepared, a little too not knowledgeable and have lots of things to do when I do return which won't facilitate becoming sufficiently so. But it will be great and though I talk a lot about the sadness of leaving here I have to acknowledge the excitement of going home. I have a kitchen to decorate, friends to reunite with, cars to drive, crazy dogs to play with, a family to drive insane, churches to shop for, futures to plan... There is a lot of cool stuff ahead and I have never been as secure in my life plans and knowing where they will take me. Even if I don't actually know anything much at all - the ideas change on a very daily basis but always, I find, building on each other... but to who knows where?!
On the whole call thing, it actually makes me really worried that every time I mess up I am missing out. I think that I put quite a lot of pressure on myself like that and then retaliate by being even less inline with God. Smart hey? Facilitating/stemming from this I have had a bit of a tough week; life and God have been there but I have on several occasions been disconnected. Yet in all that I now feel like, overall, He was in control. I think. There has been a risk of me getting too legalistic with 'giving my day to God' and making sure that He would be able to do what He wanted as long as I said and did exactly the right things at every moment and being incredibly guilty when I didn't. [Talk about not following my own advice - maybe I am who this post was for.] We can't always be fully immersed in what feels like quality time (I will no doubt realise this more when I get back to a proper life where I cannot pick and choose my level of busyness) and I think this is what I am learning and that I need to be able to be content in God in that. Keeping at it even when I am not in the honeymoon period.
And the anology for this lesson? I went swimming with Zoe on Friday and when I came out (after some pretty hardcore sunbathing as well) I found my hair was not as red. I nearly cried, mostly 'cause of what that said about me as a person and that I had not even show Robyn, but I was over reacting *slightly* as overall the impression is still very SB. It just reminded me that, while the colour was a moment of encouragement, I do need to protect it and I will still have to go through some major upkeep on a regular basis. A question of perseverance to see the long term goals. After all, I got the faith; I'm trying to be good and seeking to gain knowledge; in some, though granted not all at all, areas I am showing self-control and so perseverance is the next logical step (well, logic if you are going by the process as outlined here). Soo, this post would be not so much funny as tangential.
But I have found something that I can beat Darryl on. MY blog is more holy than his: I have more links to the bible... So there.
The other day one of my competitors was talking about his leather thong. I asked him if it had studs in it. He replied "You could say that" with the classic eyebrow-raise/head nod. 'F you know what I mean... Shocking!
Randy José called me a fucker on the 24th June. My mission in Geneva is complete. People still don't believe me but it is true. I seem to have this affect on people, SO many of them are swearing more with my influence. Hurrah! I mean this too, I am an advocator of a good cuss when it is necessary and think too many people shy away from it. Language is a tool people.
My mum was just as excited as me when I told her about the hair and said that for her it really was a proper sign (maybe this is where I get the silly symbolism streak from) of things being different. I said that I assumed other things, i.e. Baptism, were more so and she said "well yes, but now it's real!" WTF! (Language is a tool people).
I wrote 6 songs this week. I tend to do that more when I am feeling mellow rather than upbeat so I think if I were to have an album it would be called "Music To Almost Slit Your Wrists To But Then Find That There Is A Small Amount of Hope". We went to see Paul Simon at Montreux a few weeks ago and the 'warm up' (if you can call it that in Switzerland where the crowd never gets more than tepid) was a lady singer/songwriter brandishing a guitar, which is always an inspiration. I know it sounds silly but sometimes when I don't get round to writing music I worry that someone else will write the songs that I'm supposed to! Like when you don't fulfill your call so God gives the job to someone else. I really am that paranoid. The thing is, there are only so many chord combos... and words... OK, I am doing the maths and statistically speaking that is unlikely.
Speaking of which, what about going back to maths... ? Well I am excited, unprepared, a little too not knowledgeable and have lots of things to do when I do return which won't facilitate becoming sufficiently so. But it will be great and though I talk a lot about the sadness of leaving here I have to acknowledge the excitement of going home. I have a kitchen to decorate, friends to reunite with, cars to drive, crazy dogs to play with, a family to drive insane, churches to shop for, futures to plan... There is a lot of cool stuff ahead and I have never been as secure in my life plans and knowing where they will take me. Even if I don't actually know anything much at all - the ideas change on a very daily basis but always, I find, building on each other... but to who knows where?!
On the whole call thing, it actually makes me really worried that every time I mess up I am missing out. I think that I put quite a lot of pressure on myself like that and then retaliate by being even less inline with God. Smart hey? Facilitating/stemming from this I have had a bit of a tough week; life and God have been there but I have on several occasions been disconnected. Yet in all that I now feel like, overall, He was in control. I think. There has been a risk of me getting too legalistic with 'giving my day to God' and making sure that He would be able to do what He wanted as long as I said and did exactly the right things at every moment and being incredibly guilty when I didn't. [Talk about not following my own advice - maybe I am who this post was for.] We can't always be fully immersed in what feels like quality time (I will no doubt realise this more when I get back to a proper life where I cannot pick and choose my level of busyness) and I think this is what I am learning and that I need to be able to be content in God in that. Keeping at it even when I am not in the honeymoon period.
And the anology for this lesson? I went swimming with Zoe on Friday and when I came out (after some pretty hardcore sunbathing as well) I found my hair was not as red. I nearly cried, mostly 'cause of what that said about me as a person and that I had not even show Robyn, but I was over reacting *slightly* as overall the impression is still very SB. It just reminded me that, while the colour was a moment of encouragement, I do need to protect it and I will still have to go through some major upkeep on a regular basis. A question of perseverance to see the long term goals. After all, I got the faith; I'm trying to be good and seeking to gain knowledge; in some, though granted not all at all, areas I am showing self-control and so perseverance is the next logical step (well, logic if you are going by the process as outlined here). Soo, this post would be not so much funny as tangential.
But I have found something that I can beat Darryl on. MY blog is more holy than his: I have more links to the bible... So there.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
The Big Fat Analogy
This post has been a long time coming. I made this analogy to myself back in May and since then I have been looking for the opportune moment to share. Now is that moment.
I am really quite serious when I say that for me my hair represents my own personal growth. I like to think this is a sign of my creativity rather than an appearance obsession. The way I see it is this: I am currently growing my hair long whilst at the same time trying to return to my natural strawberry blonde (it is a real colour; subset of ginge I don’t deny it but valid nonetheless). The journey that will ultimately bring me to that point represents the time and efforts I spend learning and changing and becoming more “As God intended me to be”. Granted, as with even the best analogies, it will break down; namely when I reach the desired goal and I find I myself will not yet be perfect. Also, if I ever want to get a perm or high lights please, don’t think I am changing myself or letting the sinful nature back in!
The thing is, it is hard to go from platinum to a red-based hue. I ravaged my fibres so much that they can barely hold pigment at all and, as the hair dresser said, peu par peu I will have to go back and get more colour added; then wait a month or so as it readjusts; then try again and so on and so forth. I would gradually get a little darker, but she was pretty doubtful that I would reach a good semblance of ‘me’ again. The real route to my goal is to wait and let my roots grow through so I can shed completely the tattered ends of the past. That is not to say that I cannot gradually recondition and indeed recolour the strands. Just that it would take time and patience and PERSEVERANCE and that ultimately the true true end result is a long long way off.
And that my friend is where I am at too. This is my Jesus summer school and the strive for a richer colour is there at many levels.
Now we are going to see how this correlates from the beginning of my time here. Believe me, it can be done... Last September I arrived and I had a hair goal. To grow it long and keep redoing the roots so I would end up with long straight platinum locks. Not unlike a porn star(!). Well, that plan went slowly down the pan as I had a communication issue with one hairdresser (sadly I must say that was in London so the language was not an excuse) and ended up with VERY short blonde hair. It was ok, I did the Debbie Harry thing for a while, but the point is I was on my way off the original objective. This happened in February, around the time I was really challenged about moving on from the past and wholeheartedly embracing the new things I was discovering. The next stages really just snuck in and before I knew it was trying to get ‘low lights’! Where that change of direction come from I do not know (possibly something to do with a prayer or two from me and one or two others!) but it happened and the desire did not cease. First time Zoe donned the plastic gloves of a home dye kit but that did not really take hold and so on my birthday I went and got it done professionally.
I had a lovely birthday btw (that is another story in the draft box) but I was finding with my hair that, while I liked the new colour, there was not enough of it. Hair or colour. That was in April as I was enjoying my deepening friendships with wholesome people (that truly is what I called ‘The Christians’ when I met them and my main reason for doing so in the first place) and also questioning everything a lot. By that point I pretty much believed it all I just had not reconciled it with a commitment; and that was where things were scary (see my Baptism post for more info).
And so the metaphor goes on. It was just before the B that I first went to the hairdressers. The grey incident nonetheless. For me, that was the decision to live 'this life'. To put the colour back as it were. And it did start. OK, I was grey but I had begun the process. I made the choice and that alone makes all the difference. Not what I (or God) had in mind long term but the ground work was done and there was something to build upon. And build He has (see everything pretty much that has happened since!)...
And since then I have been back twice for more work. Once just before my travels and if you were to look at the Dublin photos you may have noticed (those of you that knew what colour my hair was before) that I was looking kinda ginge. Well, I was feeling it too. A combo of the professional visit and the new water and sunlight and all that jazz; Robyn noticed and she liked it, I think the same could be said for my growth inside as well. The trip was a defo era of change for me, as I may have mentioned once or twice. I also really did start to notice the hair then, I am not making this up!
What about the second time I went back to the hairdressers? I hear you ask. Well, that was today. And I really am so excited to post this now because as I was talking in the morning with a dear friend and really reconciling some of the things from these past few weeks - which have been seriously challenging at times but ALWAYS astoundingly God controlled - I was reminded that life really has changed amazingly and I have too. And then I went to the hairdressers (quite a 'chance' opportunity)… and I came out a Ginger! Talk about confirmation!!
I am not saying that I am 'there'. The colour is a bit darker than natural (implying I may need to calm down a little, or am I pushing this one too far?) and there is a vague layer at the back in a chocolate brown (totally not chavvy I swear) and a pale streak on the top that I feel has been left to remind me of the things I am yet to give up (note how much less of them there are, but they are still foe show). Plus, it is not natural it is a dye job and there are still many many years till the full length of my locks will be totally back to normal.
For now though, I a pretty content with where it leaves me. Basically, waiting 5-10 years for a total shoulder length regrowth (and by then I trust I will have a better idea of where I am headed and we can let the analogy rest in peace) is the long term extension of the analogy but I feel pretty secure. I don't doubt a top up will be needed at some point, but isn't it always?
As I write this sunbathing, between dips in my rooftop pool (it is a hard life), I can also add that it is long enough to tie up out of the water. Only just mind and that is the next step. More growth of the same thing and seeing it come through even realer with each passing cm. That is a pretty neat place to be in as I leave a month today and can look ahead feeling reassured that I am doing OK.
‘Cause I really do think that God is talking to me through a trip to the coiffeurs and that really this is all testimony to His creativity. Especially when I had been worrying about how right I was getting things, then He affirms me with a hair cut! If you had been there (bear in mind too that it is a training school) maybe you’d get the little miracle that just happened. They too were surprised it worked... but then, I am sure there will be a few more surprised faces back home too…
The faith paid off though and the rewards are being seriously reaped. You can’t make this shit up!
I am really quite serious when I say that for me my hair represents my own personal growth. I like to think this is a sign of my creativity rather than an appearance obsession. The way I see it is this: I am currently growing my hair long whilst at the same time trying to return to my natural strawberry blonde (it is a real colour; subset of ginge I don’t deny it but valid nonetheless). The journey that will ultimately bring me to that point represents the time and efforts I spend learning and changing and becoming more “As God intended me to be”. Granted, as with even the best analogies, it will break down; namely when I reach the desired goal and I find I myself will not yet be perfect. Also, if I ever want to get a perm or high lights please, don’t think I am changing myself or letting the sinful nature back in!
The thing is, it is hard to go from platinum to a red-based hue. I ravaged my fibres so much that they can barely hold pigment at all and, as the hair dresser said, peu par peu I will have to go back and get more colour added; then wait a month or so as it readjusts; then try again and so on and so forth. I would gradually get a little darker, but she was pretty doubtful that I would reach a good semblance of ‘me’ again. The real route to my goal is to wait and let my roots grow through so I can shed completely the tattered ends of the past. That is not to say that I cannot gradually recondition and indeed recolour the strands. Just that it would take time and patience and PERSEVERANCE and that ultimately the true true end result is a long long way off.
And that my friend is where I am at too. This is my Jesus summer school and the strive for a richer colour is there at many levels.
Now we are going to see how this correlates from the beginning of my time here. Believe me, it can be done... Last September I arrived and I had a hair goal. To grow it long and keep redoing the roots so I would end up with long straight platinum locks. Not unlike a porn star(!). Well, that plan went slowly down the pan as I had a communication issue with one hairdresser (sadly I must say that was in London so the language was not an excuse) and ended up with VERY short blonde hair. It was ok, I did the Debbie Harry thing for a while, but the point is I was on my way off the original objective. This happened in February, around the time I was really challenged about moving on from the past and wholeheartedly embracing the new things I was discovering. The next stages really just snuck in and before I knew it was trying to get ‘low lights’! Where that change of direction come from I do not know (possibly something to do with a prayer or two from me and one or two others!) but it happened and the desire did not cease. First time Zoe donned the plastic gloves of a home dye kit but that did not really take hold and so on my birthday I went and got it done professionally.
I had a lovely birthday btw (that is another story in the draft box) but I was finding with my hair that, while I liked the new colour, there was not enough of it. Hair or colour. That was in April as I was enjoying my deepening friendships with wholesome people (that truly is what I called ‘The Christians’ when I met them and my main reason for doing so in the first place) and also questioning everything a lot. By that point I pretty much believed it all I just had not reconciled it with a commitment; and that was where things were scary (see my Baptism post for more info).
And so the metaphor goes on. It was just before the B that I first went to the hairdressers. The grey incident nonetheless. For me, that was the decision to live 'this life'. To put the colour back as it were. And it did start. OK, I was grey but I had begun the process. I made the choice and that alone makes all the difference. Not what I (or God) had in mind long term but the ground work was done and there was something to build upon. And build He has (see everything pretty much that has happened since!)...
And since then I have been back twice for more work. Once just before my travels and if you were to look at the Dublin photos you may have noticed (those of you that knew what colour my hair was before) that I was looking kinda ginge. Well, I was feeling it too. A combo of the professional visit and the new water and sunlight and all that jazz; Robyn noticed and she liked it, I think the same could be said for my growth inside as well. The trip was a defo era of change for me, as I may have mentioned once or twice. I also really did start to notice the hair then, I am not making this up!
What about the second time I went back to the hairdressers? I hear you ask. Well, that was today. And I really am so excited to post this now because as I was talking in the morning with a dear friend and really reconciling some of the things from these past few weeks - which have been seriously challenging at times but ALWAYS astoundingly God controlled - I was reminded that life really has changed amazingly and I have too. And then I went to the hairdressers (quite a 'chance' opportunity)… and I came out a Ginger! Talk about confirmation!!
I am not saying that I am 'there'. The colour is a bit darker than natural (implying I may need to calm down a little, or am I pushing this one too far?) and there is a vague layer at the back in a chocolate brown (totally not chavvy I swear) and a pale streak on the top that I feel has been left to remind me of the things I am yet to give up (note how much less of them there are, but they are still foe show). Plus, it is not natural it is a dye job and there are still many many years till the full length of my locks will be totally back to normal.
For now though, I a pretty content with where it leaves me. Basically, waiting 5-10 years for a total shoulder length regrowth (and by then I trust I will have a better idea of where I am headed and we can let the analogy rest in peace) is the long term extension of the analogy but I feel pretty secure. I don't doubt a top up will be needed at some point, but isn't it always?
As I write this sunbathing, between dips in my rooftop pool (it is a hard life), I can also add that it is long enough to tie up out of the water. Only just mind and that is the next step. More growth of the same thing and seeing it come through even realer with each passing cm. That is a pretty neat place to be in as I leave a month today and can look ahead feeling reassured that I am doing OK.
‘Cause I really do think that God is talking to me through a trip to the coiffeurs and that really this is all testimony to His creativity. Especially when I had been worrying about how right I was getting things, then He affirms me with a hair cut! If you had been there (bear in mind too that it is a training school) maybe you’d get the little miracle that just happened. They too were surprised it worked... but then, I am sure there will be a few more surprised faces back home too…
The faith paid off though and the rewards are being seriously reaped. You can’t make this shit up!
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Thank You
Sometimes life gets hard. I mean, I think this is true for everyone, it is definitely true for me. I used to be depressed and, even though I have found God, I can still get that way sometimes. I think it is a part of life, a part of being in this body and in this world and subject, dare I say it, to things I may not even be able to see. I can limit and control it but I do not believe there is an easy fix to quit it. Sometimes we are healed from things, sometimes we learn from them. Right now I am learning.
But it is definitely different with God. And a lot of it I think comes from the concept of spirit controlling the soul. I know what can trigger me a lot of the time but even when I don't, He grants me a peace inside that means I can master the brief interlude. One of the things I do when I am down is write - poetry and songs quite a lot of the time. It seems to help.
Life has been a bit hard recently. Not majorly but a few niggles combined with a bit of stress and some good old fashioned drawing near to the end sadness and fear of the future have tarried together gallantly. Tonight as I was rereading some old stuff (I am trying to finish off songs so I can do some recording before I leave Caro, my fabulously musically gifted and equipped friend) I came across this poem. I wrote it way back at the start of November when there was some shit going down, just after I had discovered God and when I knew even less about Him than I do now. I'm going to show it to you 'cause it is so uplifting for me to remember both how real He was even in the past (where sometimes the truth of things seems to wear off) and how far I have come, yet also to be encouraged by a much 'younger' me and regain some of the early wonder. I don't normally share this shit so please, don't be mean.
"This time in my misery
I still get out of bed
Why is that?
I have never felt so bad
The news is worse everyday
Yet the burden I bear is OK
How is it so that in my utter weakness
I have found strength?
My prayer is so weak and broken
Yet the answer is loud and clear
Even when I despair and see no way
I still stand, still get through, still go on
Why is it that this time I don’t feel the pain as strong?
That the moments pass as they need
And after I am still here
And can still smile and still see beauty and still see truth
For the first time really see truth or right or way or reason
Thank you for getting me through this in a way I could not foresee
The yoke is not so heavy this time, though the burden is greater
There must be someone else pulling with me
And even before, when misery was harsher and deeper and more painful
Yet I still got to here with less damage than I could have bore
And though my heart was scarred, broken and torn
Now it feel like it may once again be whole
So thank you, who I do not yet know
Who loves me and I still can’t grasp
Who watches me and influences my path
Carry on when the way is dark, be my light to keep me on track
And thank you once again that I am not looking back."
Life really has changed a lot, so Thank You.
But it is definitely different with God. And a lot of it I think comes from the concept of spirit controlling the soul. I know what can trigger me a lot of the time but even when I don't, He grants me a peace inside that means I can master the brief interlude. One of the things I do when I am down is write - poetry and songs quite a lot of the time. It seems to help.
Life has been a bit hard recently. Not majorly but a few niggles combined with a bit of stress and some good old fashioned drawing near to the end sadness and fear of the future have tarried together gallantly. Tonight as I was rereading some old stuff (I am trying to finish off songs so I can do some recording before I leave Caro, my fabulously musically gifted and equipped friend) I came across this poem. I wrote it way back at the start of November when there was some shit going down, just after I had discovered God and when I knew even less about Him than I do now. I'm going to show it to you 'cause it is so uplifting for me to remember both how real He was even in the past (where sometimes the truth of things seems to wear off) and how far I have come, yet also to be encouraged by a much 'younger' me and regain some of the early wonder. I don't normally share this shit so please, don't be mean.
"This time in my misery
I still get out of bed
Why is that?
I have never felt so bad
The news is worse everyday
Yet the burden I bear is OK
How is it so that in my utter weakness
I have found strength?
My prayer is so weak and broken
Yet the answer is loud and clear
Even when I despair and see no way
I still stand, still get through, still go on
Why is it that this time I don’t feel the pain as strong?
That the moments pass as they need
And after I am still here
And can still smile and still see beauty and still see truth
For the first time really see truth or right or way or reason
Thank you for getting me through this in a way I could not foresee
The yoke is not so heavy this time, though the burden is greater
There must be someone else pulling with me
And even before, when misery was harsher and deeper and more painful
Yet I still got to here with less damage than I could have bore
And though my heart was scarred, broken and torn
Now it feel like it may once again be whole
So thank you, who I do not yet know
Who loves me and I still can’t grasp
Who watches me and influences my path
Carry on when the way is dark, be my light to keep me on track
And thank you once again that I am not looking back."
Life really has changed a lot, so Thank You.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Love and Lies in the COOP Carpark
I am learning Romanian.
Luckily it is quite similar to French. I hope to be able to have a bit of a conversation with my fat friend who sits outside the COOP sometime before I leave.
I know it sounds pretty judgmental, but when she tells me she has 4 children and a dead husband it sounds so convenient. I mean, that's a great testimony for a beggar lady, right? Perfect sob story. OK, that last paragraph sound terrible and it was mostly designed to shock. My point here is, apart from the fact that I am a bit of a bitch and too tired to know if this is pushing the boundaries too much, I don't tend to believe people that are asking me for money on the street.
But, the thing is. It is OK if they lie. Infact, it is OK if anyone lies to me. I am not going to mind and my default position will probably be to believe you even if it is ridiculous. I don't mind the fact that I am gullible. The decision I have come to is this: as long as it won't break my heart I don't have a problem believing you. That extends to personal safety I suppose but is far less day to day. The point is, I don't have time or right to judge and question everything someone says. If it is important I will do so, else feel free. My hope is to try and show love to people despite whether they are being honest or kind of anything else like that. So feel free to scam me out of money or time or anything else I don't value spiritually. I will still feel like I was doing my bit as Jesus-the-first-time-round and you can take the crap when He comes back.
Plus, I kinda feel like if I learn Romanian they will find it harder to lie to me. I mean, everyone has a level of guilt right? I am just trying to tap into their; play them at their own game!
Seriously though. Beggars are people too and I am trying to get past my capitalist middle class attitude that gets pissed at a system that will never really shit on my affluent parade 'cause I will never really have any problems in that area and if I did, maybe I'd appreciate the help. I think that we are all identical particles put into different forcefields and shooting in a multitude of directions. Who knows what their next resultant force will be...?
Luckily it is quite similar to French. I hope to be able to have a bit of a conversation with my fat friend who sits outside the COOP sometime before I leave.
I know it sounds pretty judgmental, but when she tells me she has 4 children and a dead husband it sounds so convenient. I mean, that's a great testimony for a beggar lady, right? Perfect sob story. OK, that last paragraph sound terrible and it was mostly designed to shock. My point here is, apart from the fact that I am a bit of a bitch and too tired to know if this is pushing the boundaries too much, I don't tend to believe people that are asking me for money on the street.
But, the thing is. It is OK if they lie. Infact, it is OK if anyone lies to me. I am not going to mind and my default position will probably be to believe you even if it is ridiculous. I don't mind the fact that I am gullible. The decision I have come to is this: as long as it won't break my heart I don't have a problem believing you. That extends to personal safety I suppose but is far less day to day. The point is, I don't have time or right to judge and question everything someone says. If it is important I will do so, else feel free. My hope is to try and show love to people despite whether they are being honest or kind of anything else like that. So feel free to scam me out of money or time or anything else I don't value spiritually. I will still feel like I was doing my bit as Jesus-the-first-time-round and you can take the crap when He comes back.
Plus, I kinda feel like if I learn Romanian they will find it harder to lie to me. I mean, everyone has a level of guilt right? I am just trying to tap into their; play them at their own game!
Seriously though. Beggars are people too and I am trying to get past my capitalist middle class attitude that gets pissed at a system that will never really shit on my affluent parade 'cause I will never really have any problems in that area and if I did, maybe I'd appreciate the help. I think that we are all identical particles put into different forcefields and shooting in a multitude of directions. Who knows what their next resultant force will be...?
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Forward
I felt like God wanted me to send an email today. So I did. It was about something that I really knew he'd taught me and then suddenly I decided he wanted to teach someone else too. Now I think perhaps I will tell you, just in case it is relevant:
When I quit smoking I did not at first succeed and then, when I found myself doing it and keeping it a secret because everyone at church thought I had stopped, I felt a lot of guilt and shame. God really spoke to me about this. It is a huge area in which Satan has power if we give it to him. The way I started to look at it was that I was already falling into a trap of temptation by giving in to the desire to smoking, but if I also felt guilty about it then that gives the devil a double victory.
So I would encourage you, as you tackle this issue, to not give in to the second temptation. God will help you with you addiction and He does not judge you for it but loves you despite it. You have no right to feel bad about yourself as you are loved by God and your path is in Him. Seek after Him help, tell Him you can't do it, but don't tell yourself you are rubbish or can't succeed or have failed. He is the God of second chances, and third and fourth...
So that is it. If you are going to smoke, try reading your bible as you do it. I did and I felt like I was give the finger to Satan because even though I was struggling in one area it did not keep me from seeking after God. And I think it is one of the ways that I was freed from need because it helped me give the issue more and more to God. He can see us in everything we do so why not do it in front of Him and be open about the problem.
It is in the loneliness and guilt that the strong hold comes, don't let Satan keep you down.
There you go. Combining the ease of not having to write a new post with confession! Good for the bedtime and the soul. Note that you can insert for "smoking" any sin, vice or temptation. I know I do!
Ciao ciao...
When I quit smoking I did not at first succeed and then, when I found myself doing it and keeping it a secret because everyone at church thought I had stopped, I felt a lot of guilt and shame. God really spoke to me about this. It is a huge area in which Satan has power if we give it to him. The way I started to look at it was that I was already falling into a trap of temptation by giving in to the desire to smoking, but if I also felt guilty about it then that gives the devil a double victory.
So I would encourage you, as you tackle this issue, to not give in to the second temptation. God will help you with you addiction and He does not judge you for it but loves you despite it. You have no right to feel bad about yourself as you are loved by God and your path is in Him. Seek after Him help, tell Him you can't do it, but don't tell yourself you are rubbish or can't succeed or have failed. He is the God of second chances, and third and fourth...
So that is it. If you are going to smoke, try reading your bible as you do it. I did and I felt like I was give the finger to Satan because even though I was struggling in one area it did not keep me from seeking after God. And I think it is one of the ways that I was freed from need because it helped me give the issue more and more to God. He can see us in everything we do so why not do it in front of Him and be open about the problem.
It is in the loneliness and guilt that the strong hold comes, don't let Satan keep you down.
There you go. Combining the ease of not having to write a new post with confession! Good for the bedtime and the soul. Note that you can insert for "smoking" any sin, vice or temptation. I know I do!
Ciao ciao...
Carrots vs Confusion
When it comes to carrots things are pretty easy. You can eat them whole or in sticks, boiled steamed or stir fried, long or round, grated in a salad, dipped in a dip, curried or mashed, as soup or even juiced. I have tried quite a few of these already (I would estimate my carrot intake today to be 6 but I am persevering for more) and intend to make my way through them all.
But there are so many ways to be a Christian, and not all of them are compatible at all. Recently my biggest issue is to do with things of a "spiritual" nature. I use speech marks not 'cause I am being patronising but 'cause lots of things are of a spiritual nature and I am trying to differentiate about issues of demons and angels and all that jazz.
This I think can be demonstrated by the following example, taken from a conversation I was having this afternoon. Satan. Now, fortunately I started the sentence with the name which meant I didn't have to face the question of whether or not it ought to be capitalised. I read a post on Stuff Christian's Like (which is a pretty cool blog when I get round to reading it. You know how some people are more listeners and some more talkers, well I am a blog writer rather than reader... make your mind up what that says about having a conversation with me!) ages ago about this once but I couldn't find it again to give you the link. It doesn't really matter 'cause my feelings on it are much less formed and I am more confused than amused.
The question is, does it give more recognition to the devil (that is not a proper noun so I can rest easy) to capitalise the 'S' or to forsake accuracy for the sake of reducing the value of the word?
And that is where I am at. I am a pretty open minded lady and I have no problem believing in a spiritual realm that overlaps with the physical. We are physical beings and as such there is an effect from the unseen on the seen. I also think there is an effect from the seen on the unseen that my frustration a few days ago is testimony to (see 10 Things I Hate About [insert just about anything here right now]), where my tiredness and unbalanced body left me verging on a depressive episode and I really had to slow down and recoup whilst at the same time praying God's rule over my life (seeing as I had inadvertently let this slip when I was physically under par (isn't that a good thing is golf? What a funny expression.)).
But then I wonder, can we give too much space to worrying about what Satan can do? I mean, call him satan and you are recognising that you are not comfortable to the point of compromising grammar, leaving space for a fear of attack - and we all know that God in the only one to fear.
Words are powerful. But then, so is God. I think He is more powerful so I have nothing to fear... right...?
There exist so many different ideas and, unlike ways to serve carrots, some of them have to be wrong. Like, can we say or do things that bring down 'badness' on our lives? Do generational curses still exist? Or is it all covered by the blood of Jesus without any further issue except perhaps in the most extreme cases? And what is a most extreme case anyway...?
It makes me, as a scientist, very uncomfortable. I want evidence and as I may have mentioned before it took a huge step of faith to accept, well faith. My only axiom is the bible/The Bible and I don't even know the grammatically-spiritually correct way to write that. Do I next have to start accepting/rejecting all sorts of other theologies that I can't see explicitly answered therein? For now at least I just can't do it, so I'm gonna stick with God's love and The Word and hope/trust that by giving my days to Him I am covering all my bases.
I wish it was all about carrots.
P.S. Input welcome at this point by the way...
But there are so many ways to be a Christian, and not all of them are compatible at all. Recently my biggest issue is to do with things of a "spiritual" nature. I use speech marks not 'cause I am being patronising but 'cause lots of things are of a spiritual nature and I am trying to differentiate about issues of demons and angels and all that jazz.
This I think can be demonstrated by the following example, taken from a conversation I was having this afternoon. Satan. Now, fortunately I started the sentence with the name which meant I didn't have to face the question of whether or not it ought to be capitalised. I read a post on Stuff Christian's Like (which is a pretty cool blog when I get round to reading it. You know how some people are more listeners and some more talkers, well I am a blog writer rather than reader... make your mind up what that says about having a conversation with me!) ages ago about this once but I couldn't find it again to give you the link. It doesn't really matter 'cause my feelings on it are much less formed and I am more confused than amused.
The question is, does it give more recognition to the devil (that is not a proper noun so I can rest easy) to capitalise the 'S' or to forsake accuracy for the sake of reducing the value of the word?
And that is where I am at. I am a pretty open minded lady and I have no problem believing in a spiritual realm that overlaps with the physical. We are physical beings and as such there is an effect from the unseen on the seen. I also think there is an effect from the seen on the unseen that my frustration a few days ago is testimony to (see 10 Things I Hate About [insert just about anything here right now]), where my tiredness and unbalanced body left me verging on a depressive episode and I really had to slow down and recoup whilst at the same time praying God's rule over my life (seeing as I had inadvertently let this slip when I was physically under par (isn't that a good thing is golf? What a funny expression.)).
But then I wonder, can we give too much space to worrying about what Satan can do? I mean, call him satan and you are recognising that you are not comfortable to the point of compromising grammar, leaving space for a fear of attack - and we all know that God in the only one to fear.
Words are powerful. But then, so is God. I think He is more powerful so I have nothing to fear... right...?
There exist so many different ideas and, unlike ways to serve carrots, some of them have to be wrong. Like, can we say or do things that bring down 'badness' on our lives? Do generational curses still exist? Or is it all covered by the blood of Jesus without any further issue except perhaps in the most extreme cases? And what is a most extreme case anyway...?
It makes me, as a scientist, very uncomfortable. I want evidence and as I may have mentioned before it took a huge step of faith to accept, well faith. My only axiom is the bible/The Bible and I don't even know the grammatically-spiritually correct way to write that. Do I next have to start accepting/rejecting all sorts of other theologies that I can't see explicitly answered therein? For now at least I just can't do it, so I'm gonna stick with God's love and The Word and hope/trust that by giving my days to Him I am covering all my bases.
I wish it was all about carrots.
P.S. Input welcome at this point by the way...
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Experiment
You know when you hear something crazy and you just want to know for yourself if it is true? Like Jesus for example. Or the guy who only ate McD's for a month. (Or the guy who only ate McSalads... I could go on). Anyway, I am a sucker for trying things out for myself. First with Jesus and now carrots.
This is not a new mindset for me. Once I read in the metro about detoxing on a liquids only diet. It was the day before lent and the day after a heavy night out so when a few friends said it would be impossible to survive properly not eating for 5 weeks I took them up on the challenge. Only fruit and veg based liquids but I don't mean smoothies or soup - no pulp allowed. It was actually totally manageable. I did obviously lose a lot of weight, but I put most of it back on the week after! That said, I did go on holiday...
This time it is the turning orange story. I want to know if it is true and if so, how much carrots and how quickly does it happen? So, I bought a kilo and I am going to be introducing them into my diet pretty intensely from now on. I may even go almost totally carrot once all the food in my fridge is gone.
Almost similarly, I am starting to test more and more what it is people say about God and what He can do. If turning orange is interesting how much more so is healing, miracles, reconciliation for others, prophecy et all...?! So, I am pretty sure that if I am eating great quantities of carrots in expectation, how much more so should I be praying fasting and awaiting for God to do amazing things... (I may have to put carrots on hold when I choose to fast, there are such things as priorities.)
2 carrots so far today (with humous, I was so happy when I found it in COOP!). 1 burden of prayer. I think it shall be a race between turning orange and seeing an answer... I'll keep you posted but remember, I am the only one that can eat carrots (well you can eat them but it won't turn me orange); we can all pray!
This is not a new mindset for me. Once I read in the metro about detoxing on a liquids only diet. It was the day before lent and the day after a heavy night out so when a few friends said it would be impossible to survive properly not eating for 5 weeks I took them up on the challenge. Only fruit and veg based liquids but I don't mean smoothies or soup - no pulp allowed. It was actually totally manageable. I did obviously lose a lot of weight, but I put most of it back on the week after! That said, I did go on holiday...
This time it is the turning orange story. I want to know if it is true and if so, how much carrots and how quickly does it happen? So, I bought a kilo and I am going to be introducing them into my diet pretty intensely from now on. I may even go almost totally carrot once all the food in my fridge is gone.
Almost similarly, I am starting to test more and more what it is people say about God and what He can do. If turning orange is interesting how much more so is healing, miracles, reconciliation for others, prophecy et all...?! So, I am pretty sure that if I am eating great quantities of carrots in expectation, how much more so should I be praying fasting and awaiting for God to do amazing things... (I may have to put carrots on hold when I choose to fast, there are such things as priorities.)
2 carrots so far today (with humous, I was so happy when I found it in COOP!). 1 burden of prayer. I think it shall be a race between turning orange and seeing an answer... I'll keep you posted but remember, I am the only one that can eat carrots (well you can eat them but it won't turn me orange); we can all pray!
A Splash of Colour
Whoopee! I found out (a few weeks ago now) that I had doubled most of my photo albums and tripled my music collection on my laptop, which means that I no longer have to worry at all about how much storage I have on here. There is plenty to last me until the end of August and as such I was able to upload my photos from The Trip!!
So, in particular favour to my parents and in particular tribute to The Yellow Couch, I am (finally) going to makes links to albums that can be found elsewhere on the web. I am not prepared to pay for a host site so you will get the quality Facebook gives and be glad for it! See me for higher quality copies (if I know you, else that would just be weird!).
This is particularly pertinent now the blog-off has been officially recognised by DD. I am realising that without photos it is basically a nobrainer, so here you go. I would add that if we let experience be the judge then the whole 'self-improvement' thang would be futile. I vote we measure on enthusiasm!
First things first, Dublin. A selection follows with more to be found here and even more to be added one day, maybe.
The first drink. My first Guinness. We later went to the factory where I bought some underwear to mark the occasion.
Is this not fabulous? They weren't walking along in some Reservoir Dogs manner it was by chance, they weren't even together. If only I had the feet... Still, power to the ginge!
They look cool even when they fight.
I kid you not, they are still alive...! Touring even!!
A cool skip. I like skips, you never know what you might find in them.
The most Irish man in the world.
'The' man himself. How am I suppose to compete with someone that cool...? That is genuine Gutchi I'll have you know.
So, in particular favour to my parents and in particular tribute to The Yellow Couch, I am (finally) going to makes links to albums that can be found elsewhere on the web. I am not prepared to pay for a host site so you will get the quality Facebook gives and be glad for it! See me for higher quality copies (if I know you, else that would just be weird!).
This is particularly pertinent now the blog-off has been officially recognised by DD. I am realising that without photos it is basically a nobrainer, so here you go. I would add that if we let experience be the judge then the whole 'self-improvement' thang would be futile. I vote we measure on enthusiasm!
First things first, Dublin. A selection follows with more to be found here and even more to be added one day, maybe.
The first drink. My first Guinness. We later went to the factory where I bought some underwear to mark the occasion.
Is this not fabulous? They weren't walking along in some Reservoir Dogs manner it was by chance, they weren't even together. If only I had the feet... Still, power to the ginge!
They look cool even when they fight.
I kid you not, they are still alive...! Touring even!!
A cool skip. I like skips, you never know what you might find in them.
The most Irish man in the world.
'The' man himself. How am I suppose to compete with someone that cool...? That is genuine Gutchi I'll have you know.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
10 Things I Hate About [insert just about anything here right now]
I am in a bit of a shit mood. Thus I shall fulfill the venting element of my relationship with BGB.
For starters, I just knocked two really pretty expensive (well, one did not cost a lot but it is worth a lot I just know how to shop well; note also that price is relative and I am a student!) delicate beaded dresses on top of a really pretty dried (not dead) 'strawberry blonde' rose, thus endangering the two and destroying the latter which by the way was the last one of a really pretty bunch given to me on my birthday.
Plus I am really tired even though I slept 12 hours last night. I feel like I never really woke up properly today and thus am worrying that I am foreseeing a difficult recovery from the past week and will inevitably be hurtled into busy life again before I am ready to be, which in turn will result in the crazy scary mean Kat(i)e who does not live in the full glory of God but stumbles through in the dark and doesn't even know how to get back to light. I have too much to do this week to not be OK for it!
The weather just turned cold and none of my jeans fit me anymore :-(
I am losing my voice which is making speaking and singing and well, all kinds of communication, impossible/very hard, painful and tiring.
I made lots of bad choices today resulting in feeling like nothing was productive, everything took longer than it should, I ate too much crap, spent too much money and interacted poorly with people I didn't know. Leaving me feeling like a spazzock and that I wasted a day that was supposed to be really cool (just 'cause days are these days) but wasn't.
The biggest bummer is that at the time I wasn't even able to see what was wrong and only realised everything too late which means that it couldn't have been any different anyways. I don't quite know where I went wrong as I was trying to rest and thought I had done so but my brain is not functioning properly implying that I haven't. Maybe I didn't stop soon enough and so it will take a while to get back to top form but I am a little bit worried that I never will and being fuzzy in the head is not a very nice feeling when you are supposed to be processing things.
All in all I am pissed off 'cause yesterday life rocked and now things have changed so quickly, without anything specific actually being wrong even. I suppose that being tired and sick and confused will do that to oneself but it just sucks that I can lose track of joy when it was so very profound.
In good things I found another suitcase in the street, which will come in handy when my friends come over and take back stuff for me. But it is not leopard print so it doesn't really count for much more than neutral.
I feel like a bit of a bitch to everyone I hung out with today! I'm not saying you were a waste of time, just me that's all. Hopefully there will be progress before the YAGs BBQ/pool party tomorrow else I will be a sulky cow and probably have a hissy fit. Could be interesting but not ideal.
On that note bed calls...
P.S. For those who thought "raised to the ground" was a strange phrase actually it is not. The word is "razed" and it originates in latin - think erase. You might still think it's strange but at least you can spell it now!
For starters, I just knocked two really pretty expensive (well, one did not cost a lot but it is worth a lot I just know how to shop well; note also that price is relative and I am a student!) delicate beaded dresses on top of a really pretty dried (not dead) 'strawberry blonde' rose, thus endangering the two and destroying the latter which by the way was the last one of a really pretty bunch given to me on my birthday.
Plus I am really tired even though I slept 12 hours last night. I feel like I never really woke up properly today and thus am worrying that I am foreseeing a difficult recovery from the past week and will inevitably be hurtled into busy life again before I am ready to be, which in turn will result in the crazy scary mean Kat(i)e who does not live in the full glory of God but stumbles through in the dark and doesn't even know how to get back to light. I have too much to do this week to not be OK for it!
The weather just turned cold and none of my jeans fit me anymore :-(
I am losing my voice which is making speaking and singing and well, all kinds of communication, impossible/very hard, painful and tiring.
I made lots of bad choices today resulting in feeling like nothing was productive, everything took longer than it should, I ate too much crap, spent too much money and interacted poorly with people I didn't know. Leaving me feeling like a spazzock and that I wasted a day that was supposed to be really cool (just 'cause days are these days) but wasn't.
The biggest bummer is that at the time I wasn't even able to see what was wrong and only realised everything too late which means that it couldn't have been any different anyways. I don't quite know where I went wrong as I was trying to rest and thought I had done so but my brain is not functioning properly implying that I haven't. Maybe I didn't stop soon enough and so it will take a while to get back to top form but I am a little bit worried that I never will and being fuzzy in the head is not a very nice feeling when you are supposed to be processing things.
All in all I am pissed off 'cause yesterday life rocked and now things have changed so quickly, without anything specific actually being wrong even. I suppose that being tired and sick and confused will do that to oneself but it just sucks that I can lose track of joy when it was so very profound.
In good things I found another suitcase in the street, which will come in handy when my friends come over and take back stuff for me. But it is not leopard print so it doesn't really count for much more than neutral.
I feel like a bit of a bitch to everyone I hung out with today! I'm not saying you were a waste of time, just me that's all. Hopefully there will be progress before the YAGs BBQ/pool party tomorrow else I will be a sulky cow and probably have a hissy fit. Could be interesting but not ideal.
On that note bed calls...
P.S. For those who thought "raised to the ground" was a strange phrase actually it is not. The word is "razed" and it originates in latin - think erase. You might still think it's strange but at least you can spell it now!
Monday, July 14, 2008
Caught Out
David is on the way back to Wien and foolishly of me he knows I wrote a blog about him last week. (Confusion over fact I wrote one last month whilst there... I am not very good at hiding facial reactions.) The point is, the 'man hunt' story is sadly off and I am just hoping he will take it with the pinch of salt it was intended when he reads it. You'll have to email me privately to find out how the reconciliation is going! ;-)
I think it's OK really, he's pretty cool and I reckon the jokey intent will not be overlooked. Dave, I swear it was only meant to be ironic, the fact that I did spend all afternoon apparently trying to 'save' you was just the result of my standard self-obsession!
It was fun to have him stay, even though it rained like a bitch. [Note that we prayed for it to stop and by the time we were at Cinelac (open air cinema by the lake) it was clear and lovely with all those cool clouds and none of the water falling from them. See David, it does work!] That was an interesting experience, the cinema I mean, an utterly beautiful evening and locality and we watch "Before the Devil Knows You're Dead". If you like films with great casting and acting and an interesting plot-line sure go for it; if you want to leave the cinema with the hope of ever being happy again I would suggest seeing "Kung Fu Panda". Well, I haven't actually seen that but I can only hope that it would be slightly less depressing that the experience which started with disturbing graphic sex and ended with filicide. Nice. That said, it was a well made production.
Back to the word 'save'. Well, I was talking to a friend t'other day and we agreed that we do not like it; pas du tout. Can't speak for him as to why but I for one find it patronising to the extreme. I mean, I know that conceptually it is deeply biblical (and cool) but the contextual use nowadays seems all too often to be an "I am better than you who knows nothing and needs desperately to be rescued from your pitiful existence" judgment. You know what I mean? Anyway, maybe I am falling into a trap whereby I don't like words which are meaningful 'cause I am afraid of how they are taken but I prefer 'Reconciliation' and will be using that for the time being unless I am challenged otherwise. It just seems more descriptive of the relational aspect of finding God rather than the condemnation.
In other news, I finally got some sleep! Went a straight 12 hours last night and nothing 'busy' planned till Wednesday now. I really needed it. At least I acknowledged the fact and as I got tireder over the weekend stopped (a bit) and expected less of myself. Turns out God was in control and even though I didn't think too much about what I had to get done, it all worked out. That was nice.
Sometimes I'm not confident that things will work out but they do every time and as it starts to happen I always end up saying to myself "well what else did you expect? This is life now." Like on Friday eve when a group of 9 of us arranged to go for dinner somewhere without booking and when I turned up, there was no table available (obviously). It was panic mode 'cause everyone was en route and I was responsible for the whole affair; yet, I did not stress I just said "God, we need this sorted out fast, please" and 3 mins later we had somewhere in the same type of restaurant on the same street. Noone would even know! That may seem silly but I just think that God has even the details like that in hand. He wants us to be happy and blessed and not living a crappy existence. His plan is both small and big, Specially Relative as it were - each of my days are in His hands but I have a hugely exciting bigger picture too! It's a comforting feeling that, when I am living under His will, I'll never really get 'Caught Out'.
Friday was a great day. Lots of 'now things', that were even more fabulous than table reservations, being worked out (well, what else could I expect) as well as some exciting forward thinking and general rerealised gratitude for life. I drafted a post at the time but am yet to publish; keep an eye out but prepare to feel queasy!
I think it's OK really, he's pretty cool and I reckon the jokey intent will not be overlooked. Dave, I swear it was only meant to be ironic, the fact that I did spend all afternoon apparently trying to 'save' you was just the result of my standard self-obsession!
It was fun to have him stay, even though it rained like a bitch. [Note that we prayed for it to stop and by the time we were at Cinelac (open air cinema by the lake) it was clear and lovely with all those cool clouds and none of the water falling from them. See David, it does work!] That was an interesting experience, the cinema I mean, an utterly beautiful evening and locality and we watch "Before the Devil Knows You're Dead". If you like films with great casting and acting and an interesting plot-line sure go for it; if you want to leave the cinema with the hope of ever being happy again I would suggest seeing "Kung Fu Panda". Well, I haven't actually seen that but I can only hope that it would be slightly less depressing that the experience which started with disturbing graphic sex and ended with filicide. Nice. That said, it was a well made production.
Back to the word 'save'. Well, I was talking to a friend t'other day and we agreed that we do not like it; pas du tout. Can't speak for him as to why but I for one find it patronising to the extreme. I mean, I know that conceptually it is deeply biblical (and cool) but the contextual use nowadays seems all too often to be an "I am better than you who knows nothing and needs desperately to be rescued from your pitiful existence" judgment. You know what I mean? Anyway, maybe I am falling into a trap whereby I don't like words which are meaningful 'cause I am afraid of how they are taken but I prefer 'Reconciliation' and will be using that for the time being unless I am challenged otherwise. It just seems more descriptive of the relational aspect of finding God rather than the condemnation.
In other news, I finally got some sleep! Went a straight 12 hours last night and nothing 'busy' planned till Wednesday now. I really needed it. At least I acknowledged the fact and as I got tireder over the weekend stopped (a bit) and expected less of myself. Turns out God was in control and even though I didn't think too much about what I had to get done, it all worked out. That was nice.
Sometimes I'm not confident that things will work out but they do every time and as it starts to happen I always end up saying to myself "well what else did you expect? This is life now." Like on Friday eve when a group of 9 of us arranged to go for dinner somewhere without booking and when I turned up, there was no table available (obviously). It was panic mode 'cause everyone was en route and I was responsible for the whole affair; yet, I did not stress I just said "God, we need this sorted out fast, please" and 3 mins later we had somewhere in the same type of restaurant on the same street. Noone would even know! That may seem silly but I just think that God has even the details like that in hand. He wants us to be happy and blessed and not living a crappy existence. His plan is both small and big, Specially Relative as it were - each of my days are in His hands but I have a hugely exciting bigger picture too! It's a comforting feeling that, when I am living under His will, I'll never really get 'Caught Out'.
Friday was a great day. Lots of 'now things', that were even more fabulous than table reservations, being worked out (well, what else could I expect) as well as some exciting forward thinking and general rerealised gratitude for life. I drafted a post at the time but am yet to publish; keep an eye out but prepare to feel queasy!
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Good Food Diaries, part IV (and a small note about party games)
Fun day today. Evening spent at Brian's playing a cool game where you write a sentence then the next person draws it then the next sees the picture and writes the sentence and then the next draws it... Continue to the end and see what you get. Quite a laugh! How else can you get from 4th July Celebrations to Bombing Britain to Singing on an Airoplane in 7 confusing steps...?
Anyway, I am tired and need to go to bed and then get up too early. I will leave you with one useful thing from today that is quick to say and very very tasty:
Quinoa (pronounced Kee-nwa) is a versatile and tasty gluten free grain full of many different proteins - even more so than chicken (have I been working too long in a Quinoa promoting environment perchance?) and when prepared with curry powder and coconut milk into a kinda porridgey consistency, it tastes divine! Serve with salad and maybe some fish/egg/anything you like - it is FABULOUS. Try it.
Night.
Anyway, I am tired and need to go to bed and then get up too early. I will leave you with one useful thing from today that is quick to say and very very tasty:
Quinoa (pronounced Kee-nwa) is a versatile and tasty gluten free grain full of many different proteins - even more so than chicken (have I been working too long in a Quinoa promoting environment perchance?) and when prepared with curry powder and coconut milk into a kinda porridgey consistency, it tastes divine! Serve with salad and maybe some fish/egg/anything you like - it is FABULOUS. Try it.
Night.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Belated Felicitation :-S
Shit! I am SO sorry Carolyn.
This is a post to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my sister!! I love you :-D
I am truly sorry that I did not call you and that in fact the only reason this looks like it was done on the day is that I am sneakily writing it in the post that I previously drafted this evening and did not finish *sheepish grin*.
My excuses are that I was incredibly busy today (having the most amazing time ever as it happens) and have not been home since about 830 am (it is now 1am 'tomorrow') and generally was not really aware of the date. I thought it was yesterday and so I was going to call then - that would also have been wrong so no better really!
Anyway, here's hoping you were too busy to talk (you normally are!), you can forgive me (I am pretty sure I have done worse!) and that the card arrived on time. Love you loads my dear have a great next quarter of a century.
Your lil' sis. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
P.S. I am aware that Richard did not get a birthday post but if he won't read the blog then I don't think he deserves it...!
This is a post to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my sister!! I love you :-D
I am truly sorry that I did not call you and that in fact the only reason this looks like it was done on the day is that I am sneakily writing it in the post that I previously drafted this evening and did not finish *sheepish grin*.
My excuses are that I was incredibly busy today (having the most amazing time ever as it happens) and have not been home since about 830 am (it is now 1am 'tomorrow') and generally was not really aware of the date. I thought it was yesterday and so I was going to call then - that would also have been wrong so no better really!
Anyway, here's hoping you were too busy to talk (you normally are!), you can forgive me (I am pretty sure I have done worse!) and that the card arrived on time. Love you loads my dear have a great next quarter of a century.
Your lil' sis. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
P.S. I am aware that Richard did not get a birthday post but if he won't read the blog then I don't think he deserves it...!
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Relational Matters
I have always found trousers a bit of a tricky thing to buy. Different people have different tailoring needs but for me it is pantalons that are cut in an unhelpful manner. That's ok though, after quite a lot of shopping experience I have worked out exactly what does and does not suit or flatter. I now have quite a collection of trousers in fact, and wear them a whole lot. I can see on the hanger what will or won't fit right and exactly what size I need. As I have mentioned it before, shopping is one of my spiritual gifts.
And I think obscure analogy making is another. I was in a cute (yet very touristy) market in Montreux yesterday and I found one of those fake-hippy stalls. The kind where everything is really cool but thoroughly overpriced and overdesigned. That is in part the look I go for these days and so I was of course excited to see the cool baggy trousers (Sinbad style) in a whole range of takes, textures, and colours. This I felt was one of my 'safebet' styles and so with glee I take 4 pairs into the makeshift cubicle. And not one pair fit. Rejected by an item of clothing.
Now, I find that when one goes clothes shopping and for some reason things just aren't going right, it is best to stop before it gets too much. I mean, it may be 'cause what is in season really doesn't suit you; or you're having a bad face/hair/fat day and can't look in the mirror! Or perhaps just low sugar levels and a non-relaxed attitude, which are not at all conducive to this kind of shopping. There ought to be official research done but I would postulate that when a woman has low success in the changing room department, she needs to stop after circa 5 consecutive let downs and quit while she is still able to walk down the road looking straight ahead. Else things just get messy. I have perfected this well and these days I have enough confidence to tell myself that those trousers were not made for women of my stature and that it was OK 'cause the ones I was wearing were better anyway. I know how to shop in an uplifting manner.
But do I know how to deal with people (as opposed to 'pant') rejection? I have a feeling I've applied the same rule. I give it a go a bit, take a few blows and then leave the arena convinced that I am OK without.
Being a Christian has facilitated this a lot too. Particularly as I have recently been learning the lesson that God is enough to satisfy all my needs and the only one that can and should bolster me. How easy is it to turn around and say that, in conclusion, man does not satisfy anything and definitely both can't and shouldn't. So in true opposites fashion I have now, today, been challenged to wonder if perhaps I do not rates relationships with people enough. Like when I learnt to love myself so much I had to then address the issue of vanity!
Now, I am not talking about boy-girl relationships in particular but the next bit of this blog pertains to a conversation I had on that topic. I was talking today with someone who had quite a different opinion to me on Christian dating. He did challenge me quite a lot (about how not long term relationships have value for both learning and support) but I think I am still in the same place as before the conversation (that God is kinda the central theme at the moment and that, for me, any relationship that may or may not develop at some point in the future would have to have longevity potential else it is just a distraction and waste of emotional and other resources). I explained my current thinking to this chap as such: the merits of a relationship with a particular individual, in the completely healthy non-dependent, not distracting sense, are admittedly envious (I have noticed this also with having Robyn in my life - in some ways she is like an actual husband!); there is someone there to talk to about the shit stuff, share the amazing stuff, have follow your life story and really care, give you feedback when you need it and just listen when you are ranting. There's also praying together, reading the Bible together and generally build towards a future, together; and more besides I don't doubt. It is pretty neat. But my point was, and as I was about to say to this boy, I've realised I have God to do all that with.
Expect, of course, he wanted to make a witty comment and thus when I said "I have ...", he inserted "a blog".
Ha ha ha. The funny thing is that it's become a bit of a longstanding joke how I 'advertise' my blog in general conversation to everyone I meet. It stems from the blog-off and I find it amusing (though I am sure no-one else does) enough that it is pretty much inexhaustible. This day, however, I had not mentioned once to him that I have a blog.
So that comment actually hit me pretty hard, even though he was just joking 'cause of what I said about sharing and off-loading. It made me wonder if perhaps I have an unhealthy relationship with my blog as a bit of a replacement for a significant other and perhaps with all the dangers of gratification seeking. [Wow, how crazy does that sound as I do a read through!]
But you know, I don't think so. Relationship, yes, but unhealthy? Maybe this sounds like justification but, well, I think I may have given relationships (in both the generic and specific sense) a taboo that is in fact the uncool thing. God did not create us to be isolated from each other, even those called to singleness are meant to have society and friends and confidants and mentors and whatnot; I mean, that is what we call the church, right? God definitely digs that: Hebrews 10:25. Plus, as I said a couple of posts ago, I want to share what God is doing in my life and not be tempted to keep it back. Relating to people is a key part of what we as human beings are supposed to do, both for our own wellbeing and for His glory.
Turning to man instead of God is not cool, but since we are made in His image I think that seeing God in fellow man is pretty exciting too. The thing to remember is that, when secure in His love for us, the failings of others do not matter. Like my ace pair of trousers that I went back to when all the others didn't fit right.
Keeping relationships healthy is just as much about avoiding independence as it is dependence. Isn't it funny how it took a realisation about my positive relationship with a lil' bit of cyberspace for me to acknowledge that relating to people can be a good thing!
And I think obscure analogy making is another. I was in a cute (yet very touristy) market in Montreux yesterday and I found one of those fake-hippy stalls. The kind where everything is really cool but thoroughly overpriced and overdesigned. That is in part the look I go for these days and so I was of course excited to see the cool baggy trousers (Sinbad style) in a whole range of takes, textures, and colours. This I felt was one of my 'safebet' styles and so with glee I take 4 pairs into the makeshift cubicle. And not one pair fit. Rejected by an item of clothing.
Now, I find that when one goes clothes shopping and for some reason things just aren't going right, it is best to stop before it gets too much. I mean, it may be 'cause what is in season really doesn't suit you; or you're having a bad face/hair/fat day and can't look in the mirror! Or perhaps just low sugar levels and a non-relaxed attitude, which are not at all conducive to this kind of shopping. There ought to be official research done but I would postulate that when a woman has low success in the changing room department, she needs to stop after circa 5 consecutive let downs and quit while she is still able to walk down the road looking straight ahead. Else things just get messy. I have perfected this well and these days I have enough confidence to tell myself that those trousers were not made for women of my stature and that it was OK 'cause the ones I was wearing were better anyway. I know how to shop in an uplifting manner.
But do I know how to deal with people (as opposed to 'pant') rejection? I have a feeling I've applied the same rule. I give it a go a bit, take a few blows and then leave the arena convinced that I am OK without.
Being a Christian has facilitated this a lot too. Particularly as I have recently been learning the lesson that God is enough to satisfy all my needs and the only one that can and should bolster me. How easy is it to turn around and say that, in conclusion, man does not satisfy anything and definitely both can't and shouldn't. So in true opposites fashion I have now, today, been challenged to wonder if perhaps I do not rates relationships with people enough. Like when I learnt to love myself so much I had to then address the issue of vanity!
Now, I am not talking about boy-girl relationships in particular but the next bit of this blog pertains to a conversation I had on that topic. I was talking today with someone who had quite a different opinion to me on Christian dating. He did challenge me quite a lot (about how not long term relationships have value for both learning and support) but I think I am still in the same place as before the conversation (that God is kinda the central theme at the moment and that, for me, any relationship that may or may not develop at some point in the future would have to have longevity potential else it is just a distraction and waste of emotional and other resources). I explained my current thinking to this chap as such: the merits of a relationship with a particular individual, in the completely healthy non-dependent, not distracting sense, are admittedly envious (I have noticed this also with having Robyn in my life - in some ways she is like an actual husband!); there is someone there to talk to about the shit stuff, share the amazing stuff, have follow your life story and really care, give you feedback when you need it and just listen when you are ranting. There's also praying together, reading the Bible together and generally build towards a future, together; and more besides I don't doubt. It is pretty neat. But my point was, and as I was about to say to this boy, I've realised I have God to do all that with.
Expect, of course, he wanted to make a witty comment and thus when I said "I have ...", he inserted "a blog".
Ha ha ha. The funny thing is that it's become a bit of a longstanding joke how I 'advertise' my blog in general conversation to everyone I meet. It stems from the blog-off and I find it amusing (though I am sure no-one else does) enough that it is pretty much inexhaustible. This day, however, I had not mentioned once to him that I have a blog.
So that comment actually hit me pretty hard, even though he was just joking 'cause of what I said about sharing and off-loading. It made me wonder if perhaps I have an unhealthy relationship with my blog as a bit of a replacement for a significant other and perhaps with all the dangers of gratification seeking. [Wow, how crazy does that sound as I do a read through!]
But you know, I don't think so. Relationship, yes, but unhealthy? Maybe this sounds like justification but, well, I think I may have given relationships (in both the generic and specific sense) a taboo that is in fact the uncool thing. God did not create us to be isolated from each other, even those called to singleness are meant to have society and friends and confidants and mentors and whatnot; I mean, that is what we call the church, right? God definitely digs that: Hebrews 10:25. Plus, as I said a couple of posts ago, I want to share what God is doing in my life and not be tempted to keep it back. Relating to people is a key part of what we as human beings are supposed to do, both for our own wellbeing and for His glory.
Turning to man instead of God is not cool, but since we are made in His image I think that seeing God in fellow man is pretty exciting too. The thing to remember is that, when secure in His love for us, the failings of others do not matter. Like my ace pair of trousers that I went back to when all the others didn't fit right.
Keeping relationships healthy is just as much about avoiding independence as it is dependence. Isn't it funny how it took a realisation about my positive relationship with a lil' bit of cyberspace for me to acknowledge that relating to people can be a good thing!
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
No clever heading today, I am all titled out. This post is about what I did today and, yet again, how God was cool. You don't have to read it.
I am tired and hungry but I don't care. Right now all I want to do is write about how cool my day was!
I went to the Jardin de Montbrilliant which was pretty much the same as ever but with an extra person volunteering, under the blanket of engaGE. That is, you feel like you want to do more but the ladies are very much in control and it's hard to know what is needed. I heard from my street musician friend that he was asked to stop playing the other week (when I had been encouraging him) and that makes me a bit mad. Why does a grumpy French lady even want to stop people being joyful - the atmosphere visibly lifted when there was music in the place. Maybe she works there 'cause they make her feel less crappy about herself and to see them having fun means she feels bad again. It is a shame. It has made me realised (eventually) that the staff are just as in need of help as the people that go, more some of them; better pray harder. It was doubly disappointing when one little man said to me 'what about some music' (or a close Frenchy translation) and he really wanted me to sing but I felt like it would get frowned upon. The more I do, the more bitterness seems to come from this particular woman. Kinda suppressing the vision a bit.
But we're not going to let that stop things. In the name of engaGE (ok, see the website for an explanation, they are doing stuff in JdeM so this week I going with them) my friend (from breakfast yday) is coming with a guitar and we will sing and they can say nothing. Then I am going higher to get permission to do that once a week, if all goes well. Strange to realise there is such a real blockage there, I was kinda ignoring it/ignorant of it 'til today.
Anyway. That is progress and interesting. Then I planned to go to Voix Libres again for the afternoon until YAGs. And guess what, all 3 of my Jamaican friends came and helped! We set up a production line and got 28 boxes done, whilst all the time having the best conversations about God, Rastafarianism, world politics... and so the list goes on. We sang some gospels songs and they taught me one that goes "Real, real, real..." (I forget most of it but it is really good) and just, well, it was GREAT! One of them went off and returned with another person, joking that he was trying to recruit as many as I had. They were laughing at the fact they were there, "We don't even normally work for money!" was the line. They surprised themselves and you know, I could tell that every one of them was fulfilled by the experience of actually being useful and appreciated; yet I think I may have been the most blessed of the lot.
It was particularly great as I had spoken to one of the organisers that morning who was trying to get things together for scheduling and did not know that people had been to VL the day before, nor that anyone was going that day either. As it turned out, I was one of these 5 plus a new guy to EBCG who turned up 'cause Sara sent out an email the night before. It was great to see the situation turn around and, well, just how many people were being touched by God's fabulous creation.
I will never forget sitting round that table with Bob Marley blaring out and having one guy say to me that I was the first white person he'd known that was really into God. Maybe this sounds really vain of me to share (I for one know it means he's not met many white folk, and certainly not the ones I have), but still, I can't help but love that He is shining out of me enough that my new friend saw it. And if we don't share the good stuff God is doing in our lives for fear of immodesty then how can we glorify Him to each other? God made me be into Him and then helped me share it; I for one see it as such an Almighty (lit.) alteration that I know I am not the one responsible. Alors, to worry about humility is a sneak Satan clause that I'm not going to gratify.
Oh and note of warning. When life is this exciting you (or at least I) can't avoid the hype. Quit caffeine OK, but I'll have to quit Jesus to stop getting excited. That, or let a few years pass by and deaden the senses. You will tell me if that ever happens, right? Point me back here and say Kat(i)e of 2008 would never have stood for it. Complacency is one of my biggest concerns. Any thoughts?
Now... to satisfy the other urgent needs of sardines on toast and slumber.
I went to the Jardin de Montbrilliant which was pretty much the same as ever but with an extra person volunteering, under the blanket of engaGE. That is, you feel like you want to do more but the ladies are very much in control and it's hard to know what is needed. I heard from my street musician friend that he was asked to stop playing the other week (when I had been encouraging him) and that makes me a bit mad. Why does a grumpy French lady even want to stop people being joyful - the atmosphere visibly lifted when there was music in the place. Maybe she works there 'cause they make her feel less crappy about herself and to see them having fun means she feels bad again. It is a shame. It has made me realised (eventually) that the staff are just as in need of help as the people that go, more some of them; better pray harder. It was doubly disappointing when one little man said to me 'what about some music' (or a close Frenchy translation) and he really wanted me to sing but I felt like it would get frowned upon. The more I do, the more bitterness seems to come from this particular woman. Kinda suppressing the vision a bit.
But we're not going to let that stop things. In the name of engaGE (ok, see the website for an explanation, they are doing stuff in JdeM so this week I going with them) my friend (from breakfast yday) is coming with a guitar and we will sing and they can say nothing. Then I am going higher to get permission to do that once a week, if all goes well. Strange to realise there is such a real blockage there, I was kinda ignoring it/ignorant of it 'til today.
Anyway. That is progress and interesting. Then I planned to go to Voix Libres again for the afternoon until YAGs. And guess what, all 3 of my Jamaican friends came and helped! We set up a production line and got 28 boxes done, whilst all the time having the best conversations about God, Rastafarianism, world politics... and so the list goes on. We sang some gospels songs and they taught me one that goes "Real, real, real..." (I forget most of it but it is really good) and just, well, it was GREAT! One of them went off and returned with another person, joking that he was trying to recruit as many as I had. They were laughing at the fact they were there, "We don't even normally work for money!" was the line. They surprised themselves and you know, I could tell that every one of them was fulfilled by the experience of actually being useful and appreciated; yet I think I may have been the most blessed of the lot.
It was particularly great as I had spoken to one of the organisers that morning who was trying to get things together for scheduling and did not know that people had been to VL the day before, nor that anyone was going that day either. As it turned out, I was one of these 5 plus a new guy to EBCG who turned up 'cause Sara sent out an email the night before. It was great to see the situation turn around and, well, just how many people were being touched by God's fabulous creation.
I will never forget sitting round that table with Bob Marley blaring out and having one guy say to me that I was the first white person he'd known that was really into God. Maybe this sounds really vain of me to share (I for one know it means he's not met many white folk, and certainly not the ones I have), but still, I can't help but love that He is shining out of me enough that my new friend saw it. And if we don't share the good stuff God is doing in our lives for fear of immodesty then how can we glorify Him to each other? God made me be into Him and then helped me share it; I for one see it as such an Almighty (lit.) alteration that I know I am not the one responsible. Alors, to worry about humility is a sneak Satan clause that I'm not going to gratify.
Oh and note of warning. When life is this exciting you (or at least I) can't avoid the hype. Quit caffeine OK, but I'll have to quit Jesus to stop getting excited. That, or let a few years pass by and deaden the senses. You will tell me if that ever happens, right? Point me back here and say Kat(i)e of 2008 would never have stood for it. Complacency is one of my biggest concerns. Any thoughts?
Now... to satisfy the other urgent needs of sardines on toast and slumber.
[This time] David is...
Coming to Geneva!
Of all the things to happen in my life, the only thing more surprising than finding Jesus is making friends with David Hill. Do you not agree, those in the know...?
He is passing through town on Sunday and stopping over the night en route back to Wien. I am going to make him go to a church lunch... Ha ha!
Everything happens for a reason though, so I suppose that this one is less random and more just obscured for now. I kinda want to have a regular spot about David, turning it into a 'man hunt' and updating you all as he gets saved... but that would be a bit weird don't you think? Like one of those Facebook groups of 'get so-and-so to join' but less online community networking fun, more spiritual warfare!
What a laugh; I think perhaps I must.
Of all the things to happen in my life, the only thing more surprising than finding Jesus is making friends with David Hill. Do you not agree, those in the know...?
He is passing through town on Sunday and stopping over the night en route back to Wien. I am going to make him go to a church lunch... Ha ha!
Everything happens for a reason though, so I suppose that this one is less random and more just obscured for now. I kinda want to have a regular spot about David, turning it into a 'man hunt' and updating you all as he gets saved... but that would be a bit weird don't you think? Like one of those Facebook groups of 'get so-and-so to join' but less online community networking fun, more spiritual warfare!
What a laugh; I think perhaps I must.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Odd Job Lady
Sometimes I feel a bit like God's odd job girl.
This is a familiar role 'cause I used to work as the shop girl in a florists when I was 14. I'm throwing that in because it is, in my humble opinion, one of the cooler first jobs for someone to have. It involved turning up on the day and being available for any task they so desired, from setting up the front, washing the floor, or putting out new flowers to making bouquets and funeral sheafs. In no particular order and I am not trying to make any direct analogy (getting lazy it seems).
So, what is the similarities between that and my relationship with God? Well, these days I kinda just get out of bed and say 'what today?' and then He gives me an odd job. I may have vague plans in the morning, which somehow or other tend to fit in the bigger picture; often though it is a blank canvas which by the end is totally full of lovely stuff.
I have questioned my motivation for thinking that every moment of the day is part of some orchestrated plan of the Almighty. I mean, for someone that is terrible at making decisions (well at times, mostly when it comes to what to order for lunch or where to go after church) it could seem a bit like a cop out. But things just seem to happen so much that I can't really deny it...
So. Two examples:
1) I ought to have written about last Monday at the time but I was too tired to make it coherent. I got off the tram (16) quite late at night to change at Bel-Air (setting the scene for those in the know) and get a bus home. Some guy that got off [edit - *the tram*] with me starting talking to me (you know, the biggest problem with 'bus stop men' is that they try and pick you up at the bus stop, thus rendering them totally unviable; someone should probably tell them...) but 'luckily' Sara came along and helped take away the tension. (She does this in part by giving the evangelist from the Amercian library church some of her own literature which slightly threw him off and was hilarious!). This guy was stubborn though (not the evangelist, the creep) and he decided to stay on the bus with us way past the station (where he was supposedly heading. Anyone else notice that the 16 would have taken him straight there? Defo dodge...) and I was panicking slightly 'cause she was about to get off and I was not. So I invited myself in for a cuppa. Flirt divert accomplished. We get to hers where I realise I have lost my phone. On calling it some nice French dude answers who had found it on the tram (I recall that I had indeed left it on the side for no particular reason!). I was SO 'fortuitous' I had met Sara (without who communication would have been impossible); and to be chased off the bus so I was actually able to get my phone back; and that this dude was a legend; and that he lived close by her place so we could go retrieve it...
So there we headed there (Sara, thank you for not being distressed by the lateness of this adventure and for not dying of smoke allergies in the flat!) and proceeded to pay the most random visit to people we would never ever have met otherwise. It was a bit like a crack den (in the nicest possible way) and they were really sweet and funny and we exchanged numbers and are going to try and meet up at the lake parade next week!
All this meant I had to walk home. It was about 1am, I was knackered and at the end of my joy reserves. Then I found a leopard print suitcase in the street en route!!! Talk about a blessing... and a perfect end to a crazy night. Now, just before I came to GVA I ordered a full set of leopard print luggage but when it arrived late it was tacky and fragile and incomplete. All that and far to expensive with it. Suddenly, just when I was not expecting it I am given a quality one in perfect timing which totally meets my packing needs. And free! I love the analogy between the failed attempt before and the gift now. My new-life-in-Jesus wheeliecase!
2) Then there was today. Having prayed with Robyn last night for direction on where to put our energies this summer I started today with a bit of a plan. First off was breakfast with a friend from church (exciting enough in it's own right about music with the homeless and also a praise party project at church but too much for now) after which I was going to help with engaGE at the JdeM kitchen. They were not open (I knew that but would anyone listen!) so I headed home. Was most of the way there when I realised I had lost my brown velour Dolce and Gabbana waistcoat. Retraced all the way to the lake but no luck, bummer.
But what a worthwhile sacrifice (it was pretty ugly anyway) as it triggered a change of direction and a real answer to prayer. I remembered in town that I had some shopping to do anyway and then when I was leaving Manor (having decided to not shop for clothes I did not need and could not bring home) I bumped into Sara... who was heading to another engaGE project (which was running) at Voix Libres. They had lots of stock to organise and whatnot and were a *bit* low on people. Well, the afternoon was spent doing fabulous re-labelling of Quinoa, finding a worthwhile project that really needs people to help and would actually appreciate volunteering (as opposed to the scary French ladies who don't know they need me(jokes!)) and seemingly a great opportunity to both serve and practise my French. And, randomly, to talk about God in an incredibly receptive atmosphere. It was quite remarkable.
You may think "Kat(i)e most of that is hardly 'working' for The Lord is it, at some points it is Him working for you..." Fair enough, it is not a hard life but I still find that every day, whether it is volunteering and feeling good about yourself; taking street people for icecream and learning loads (my favourite quote "I've never tasted bad icecream, have you?" sums up the philosophy of that happy gent); being blessed with sunbathing and friendship and BBQs or just tidying the flat, is a day for doing His will. For one thing, He wants us to be happy and enjoy life! I like it a lot, I never had so much purpose and I never felt less of a need to achieve. I love how He keeps clarifying His love and provision 'til I can barely argue back (though I still do at times). I think maybe one day doubt will end up 'dying the death of a thousand qualifications'. I mean, as a scientist, how much evidence does one need??
Watch this space for comments on men in the church, men in the world and, hopefully, lots of non-feminist and a few non-religious things too... My list of ideas is growing at a faster rate than my availability; I don't know how people find time for a job!
This is a familiar role 'cause I used to work as the shop girl in a florists when I was 14. I'm throwing that in because it is, in my humble opinion, one of the cooler first jobs for someone to have. It involved turning up on the day and being available for any task they so desired, from setting up the front, washing the floor, or putting out new flowers to making bouquets and funeral sheafs. In no particular order and I am not trying to make any direct analogy (getting lazy it seems).
So, what is the similarities between that and my relationship with God? Well, these days I kinda just get out of bed and say 'what today?' and then He gives me an odd job. I may have vague plans in the morning, which somehow or other tend to fit in the bigger picture; often though it is a blank canvas which by the end is totally full of lovely stuff.
I have questioned my motivation for thinking that every moment of the day is part of some orchestrated plan of the Almighty. I mean, for someone that is terrible at making decisions (well at times, mostly when it comes to what to order for lunch or where to go after church) it could seem a bit like a cop out. But things just seem to happen so much that I can't really deny it...
So. Two examples:
1) I ought to have written about last Monday at the time but I was too tired to make it coherent. I got off the tram (16) quite late at night to change at Bel-Air (setting the scene for those in the know) and get a bus home. Some guy that got off [edit - *the tram*] with me starting talking to me (you know, the biggest problem with 'bus stop men' is that they try and pick you up at the bus stop, thus rendering them totally unviable; someone should probably tell them...) but 'luckily' Sara came along and helped take away the tension. (She does this in part by giving the evangelist from the Amercian library church some of her own literature which slightly threw him off and was hilarious!). This guy was stubborn though (not the evangelist, the creep) and he decided to stay on the bus with us way past the station (where he was supposedly heading. Anyone else notice that the 16 would have taken him straight there? Defo dodge...) and I was panicking slightly 'cause she was about to get off and I was not. So I invited myself in for a cuppa. Flirt divert accomplished. We get to hers where I realise I have lost my phone. On calling it some nice French dude answers who had found it on the tram (I recall that I had indeed left it on the side for no particular reason!). I was SO 'fortuitous' I had met Sara (without who communication would have been impossible); and to be chased off the bus so I was actually able to get my phone back; and that this dude was a legend; and that he lived close by her place so we could go retrieve it...
So there we headed there (Sara, thank you for not being distressed by the lateness of this adventure and for not dying of smoke allergies in the flat!) and proceeded to pay the most random visit to people we would never ever have met otherwise. It was a bit like a crack den (in the nicest possible way) and they were really sweet and funny and we exchanged numbers and are going to try and meet up at the lake parade next week!
All this meant I had to walk home. It was about 1am, I was knackered and at the end of my joy reserves. Then I found a leopard print suitcase in the street en route!!! Talk about a blessing... and a perfect end to a crazy night. Now, just before I came to GVA I ordered a full set of leopard print luggage but when it arrived late it was tacky and fragile and incomplete. All that and far to expensive with it. Suddenly, just when I was not expecting it I am given a quality one in perfect timing which totally meets my packing needs. And free! I love the analogy between the failed attempt before and the gift now. My new-life-in-Jesus wheeliecase!
2) Then there was today. Having prayed with Robyn last night for direction on where to put our energies this summer I started today with a bit of a plan. First off was breakfast with a friend from church (exciting enough in it's own right about music with the homeless and also a praise party project at church but too much for now) after which I was going to help with engaGE at the JdeM kitchen. They were not open (I knew that but would anyone listen!) so I headed home. Was most of the way there when I realised I had lost my brown velour Dolce and Gabbana waistcoat. Retraced all the way to the lake but no luck, bummer.
But what a worthwhile sacrifice (it was pretty ugly anyway) as it triggered a change of direction and a real answer to prayer. I remembered in town that I had some shopping to do anyway and then when I was leaving Manor (having decided to not shop for clothes I did not need and could not bring home) I bumped into Sara... who was heading to another engaGE project (which was running) at Voix Libres. They had lots of stock to organise and whatnot and were a *bit* low on people. Well, the afternoon was spent doing fabulous re-labelling of Quinoa, finding a worthwhile project that really needs people to help and would actually appreciate volunteering (as opposed to the scary French ladies who don't know they need me(jokes!)) and seemingly a great opportunity to both serve and practise my French. And, randomly, to talk about God in an incredibly receptive atmosphere. It was quite remarkable.
You may think "Kat(i)e most of that is hardly 'working' for The Lord is it, at some points it is Him working for you..." Fair enough, it is not a hard life but I still find that every day, whether it is volunteering and feeling good about yourself; taking street people for icecream and learning loads (my favourite quote "I've never tasted bad icecream, have you?" sums up the philosophy of that happy gent); being blessed with sunbathing and friendship and BBQs or just tidying the flat, is a day for doing His will. For one thing, He wants us to be happy and enjoy life! I like it a lot, I never had so much purpose and I never felt less of a need to achieve. I love how He keeps clarifying His love and provision 'til I can barely argue back (though I still do at times). I think maybe one day doubt will end up 'dying the death of a thousand qualifications'. I mean, as a scientist, how much evidence does one need??
Watch this space for comments on men in the church, men in the world and, hopefully, lots of non-feminist and a few non-religious things too... My list of ideas is growing at a faster rate than my availability; I don't know how people find time for a job!
Sunday, July 6, 2008
F'd in the A
I am so happy today! Despite the rain which is incessant and totally got in the way of my swim in the lake. Yesterday my weather prayer was SO successful that this morning I decided to take my swim suit with me, rather than my umbrella... I ended up walking down the street with a towel over my head!
Still. Nice lunch, met some lovely new people at church 'fya know what I mean...?! ;-) Enjoyed playing the piano in the service; I have been doing that for a few months now, approx every other week and am SO lovin' it. It's really helped me with my ability and confidence and been one of the more blatant blessings of life here.
What other ones are there? Well, getting away from the UK to be honest was a much needed and welcome break. Then there is my pimp place to live (I have a rooftop pool!) and wonderfully slow working week (4-20 hours long during the afternoon and some weekends) which is now totally at an end for the summer. So many fabulous opportunities for trips and activities like skiing, rafting and other fun stuff came along too. The friends, who I can't begin to express how much I love and value, play a MAJOR part: at the YAGs group (I'll expound another time, needless to say a silly Christian acronym but I have heard worse!), church and the ones I met in trains and clubs too - love you guys!
I have also learnt A LOT. God aside, one obvious thing is French, which though not at all perfect is much better. My dear friend who teaches me for free and diligently sees me every week over a lovely soirée has really taught me a lot, both linguistically and spiritually. Others have shown me a bit of Russian too (I can ask where the toilets are, recite poetry and say "I want to have your babies"!) which will come in handy when I adopt my Eastern European baby. Well, it might not. I mean there are lots of languages 'over there' and I probably won't get a Russian child since they actually have population problems and, as Erkki says, "You have to learn Finnish to understand Finnish" which I think is a principle that can be applied to most languages.
I digress.
Sometimes I feel like I am in a stream of consciousness. I ought to read that book that Carolyn told be about (please remind me) but I would struggle 'cause I'd then want to write about it afterwards/as I went along and so the vicious cycle continues. I do feel a bit like Russell Brand when he says his life is a "serious of embarrassing incidents strung together by telling people about those embarrassing incidents" but where you replace the word 'embarrassing' with 'mediocre' and 'telling' with 'boring [people] with'... And perhaps 'people' with 'my parents, my sister and MS twice a day'. Hmmm.
I have a bit of an obsession with remembering things though, hence the stream-like flow. I sometimes need to boycott journaling 'cause else it takes over and I do literally spend my life writing about it. (I mostly got the blog to force me to check spelling and grammar.) This is also exemplified (word choice?) in things such as filling up my phone Inbox and then getting a new one! And I keep all the receipts and labels I ever get; if you saw my room back home you might wonder what all the drawers and boxes are full of. Well, now you know!
But, slowly, that is being dealt with. For a start I no longer print receipts at cash machines - breakthrough! Funny story: when I told Darryl I 'need' to keep receipts he took it very to heart and when he ordered his lunch gave me his food ticket too. Sweet. I was like, Darryl, I don't need yours.... but, well, now I do 'cause it's a keepsake! Ha ha!
So, I just came clean about one of my biggest oddities. I didn't even mean to, I really am good at digressing aren't I?! I suppose I see it as one of the bigger blessing from this year; freedom from shit like that. I don't think I could do it on my own strength and I see little point in trying now I know God is much better. It's like, I could just about cope and be really argggh or I could give up, move on and reach higher heights. Why take 40 years to get across a 40 day desert? He is in general responsible for everything so I may as well let him be in total control and do it really really well. I have 40kg to bring all my stuff back, which is a lovely biblical number, let's see what God can do...!
Oh and meaning of title? Well, that is a legendary phrase that my student used when she had done something really well (if you don't get it don't ask, you don't want to know) and seeing as she got a 6/7 for her maths mark today I am pretty pleased. I was going for the 7 but hey, she wasn't even passing last year and this way I get to not be proud!
So, another blessing from my time abroad. That and the Salvation. Shouldn't forget Salvation... Which by the way has 7 meanings from original Jewish (I think I mean Hebrew right?) or perhaps Greek: saved, protected, liberated, preserved, free from harm, complete, without defect. I like these all.
Shit old life: F'd that in the A. Even better than a good exam result in my humble opinion... Sorry if it got too personal; I think perhaps that green tea does, after all, have caffeine in it (I know you told me sis but I didn't want to believe you and I could not see it on the box). Whoops.
Yet still mostly Whoop!!
Still. Nice lunch, met some lovely new people at church 'fya know what I mean...?! ;-) Enjoyed playing the piano in the service; I have been doing that for a few months now, approx every other week and am SO lovin' it. It's really helped me with my ability and confidence and been one of the more blatant blessings of life here.
What other ones are there? Well, getting away from the UK to be honest was a much needed and welcome break. Then there is my pimp place to live (I have a rooftop pool!) and wonderfully slow working week (4-20 hours long during the afternoon and some weekends) which is now totally at an end for the summer. So many fabulous opportunities for trips and activities like skiing, rafting and other fun stuff came along too. The friends, who I can't begin to express how much I love and value, play a MAJOR part: at the YAGs group (I'll expound another time, needless to say a silly Christian acronym but I have heard worse!), church and the ones I met in trains and clubs too - love you guys!
I have also learnt A LOT. God aside, one obvious thing is French, which though not at all perfect is much better. My dear friend who teaches me for free and diligently sees me every week over a lovely soirée has really taught me a lot, both linguistically and spiritually. Others have shown me a bit of Russian too (I can ask where the toilets are, recite poetry and say "I want to have your babies"!) which will come in handy when I adopt my Eastern European baby. Well, it might not. I mean there are lots of languages 'over there' and I probably won't get a Russian child since they actually have population problems and, as Erkki says, "You have to learn Finnish to understand Finnish" which I think is a principle that can be applied to most languages.
I digress.
Sometimes I feel like I am in a stream of consciousness. I ought to read that book that Carolyn told be about (please remind me) but I would struggle 'cause I'd then want to write about it afterwards/as I went along and so the vicious cycle continues. I do feel a bit like Russell Brand when he says his life is a "serious of embarrassing incidents strung together by telling people about those embarrassing incidents" but where you replace the word 'embarrassing' with 'mediocre' and 'telling' with 'boring [people] with'... And perhaps 'people' with 'my parents, my sister and MS twice a day'. Hmmm.
I have a bit of an obsession with remembering things though, hence the stream-like flow. I sometimes need to boycott journaling 'cause else it takes over and I do literally spend my life writing about it. (I mostly got the blog to force me to check spelling and grammar.) This is also exemplified (word choice?) in things such as filling up my phone Inbox and then getting a new one! And I keep all the receipts and labels I ever get; if you saw my room back home you might wonder what all the drawers and boxes are full of. Well, now you know!
But, slowly, that is being dealt with. For a start I no longer print receipts at cash machines - breakthrough! Funny story: when I told Darryl I 'need' to keep receipts he took it very to heart and when he ordered his lunch gave me his food ticket too. Sweet. I was like, Darryl, I don't need yours.... but, well, now I do 'cause it's a keepsake! Ha ha!
So, I just came clean about one of my biggest oddities. I didn't even mean to, I really am good at digressing aren't I?! I suppose I see it as one of the bigger blessing from this year; freedom from shit like that. I don't think I could do it on my own strength and I see little point in trying now I know God is much better. It's like, I could just about cope and be really argggh or I could give up, move on and reach higher heights. Why take 40 years to get across a 40 day desert? He is in general responsible for everything so I may as well let him be in total control and do it really really well. I have 40kg to bring all my stuff back, which is a lovely biblical number, let's see what God can do...!
Oh and meaning of title? Well, that is a legendary phrase that my student used when she had done something really well (if you don't get it don't ask, you don't want to know) and seeing as she got a 6/7 for her maths mark today I am pretty pleased. I was going for the 7 but hey, she wasn't even passing last year and this way I get to not be proud!
So, another blessing from my time abroad. That and the Salvation. Shouldn't forget Salvation... Which by the way has 7 meanings from original Jewish (I think I mean Hebrew right?) or perhaps Greek: saved, protected, liberated, preserved, free from harm, complete, without defect. I like these all.
Shit old life: F'd that in the A. Even better than a good exam result in my humble opinion... Sorry if it got too personal; I think perhaps that green tea does, after all, have caffeine in it (I know you told me sis but I didn't want to believe you and I could not see it on the box). Whoops.
Yet still mostly Whoop!!
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Progress
When homeless people first started giving me their mobile numbers I got really confused. Talk about 'modern times' when you have a phone but not a bed... But then it made sense to me. How else are they to plan their social life? I mean, it's not like they can have a landline is it.
Blur said that modern life is rubbish. I'm not sure I concur with that; BGB would not be here were it not for the internet... but still, we are a bit too dependent aren't we? T'other day (OK, this was about three months ago and would have been blog no.3 were I to have gotten around to talking about it then) I was on my way home from Darryl's when I realised I did not have my phone. I managed a good 30 seconds without it but as soon as I noticed life stopped. Telling the others to go on without me while I go back to pick it up, I was suddenly alone; stranded in the island that is 'nophone'. This turned from an irrational insecurity to a real problem as I realised that the trusty door code (best kept secret in Geneva) was stored in my mobile so I never had to worry about forgetting/remembering it. My backup would normally be to call from downstairs - not gonna happen was it?
So there I was: standing in the dark street at about 11pm at night, shouting up 4 floors in the vain hope that Darryl will hear me through an open window (even though he normally shuts them to keep the noise of the busy street out). Is that how people used to do it in the olden days?
Aside: I had a friend once without a mobile (or 'cell'); but she got one about a month ago. Then the other day I got got a phone call, she rang me on it just to see how: she'd only ever done texting (sms-ing) and hadn't a clue! Some people take longer, but eventually even she has become caught up in the technology bug...
But when it comes down to it, was it the 'old methods' that helped me? Not at all! I realised after a few minutes (of looking mental) that I had my laptop with me (I had been blogging in Starbucks before YAGs) so I just sat on the step, fired it up and checked my downloaded mail inbox. It was technological progress that that had saved the day, not looking back.
I like to think that if God can answer prayers using a computer He can't despise technology that much (wow, this post did not start out as Amish bashing!). I had asked Robyn to take my laptop home for me and then last minute decided not to bother; thus my desperate prayer outside Mike Wong's was fulfilled 5 minutes prior in front of Kafé Deko. But then, time and space not really a problem for Him are they?
On the way out I managed to fall down the stairs whist holding my computer, I think this is less the fault of technology and more flip flops on stone steps. I do that *quite* a lot... I am still, it seems, subject to the laws of gravity and friction. Damn it. My reaction to the situation was frustration and angst (anyone who saw my Facebook status that night would testify to that fact...!). Not something I am feeling nearly so much these days. But then, as the song goes, "Little by little, everyday..."
So, really, progress is all right by me. And, just for the hell of it, let's chuck in a biblical reference! Not wanting to akin myself to a tanned goatskin with the legs and tail cut off, I am very much enjoying the new wine. (Have I taken a reference and completely altered the meaning? Do tell me if so. I am, after all, only a month and 10 days old and still very much learning...)
À la prochaine!
Blur said that modern life is rubbish. I'm not sure I concur with that; BGB would not be here were it not for the internet... but still, we are a bit too dependent aren't we? T'other day (OK, this was about three months ago and would have been blog no.3 were I to have gotten around to talking about it then) I was on my way home from Darryl's when I realised I did not have my phone. I managed a good 30 seconds without it but as soon as I noticed life stopped. Telling the others to go on without me while I go back to pick it up, I was suddenly alone; stranded in the island that is 'nophone'. This turned from an irrational insecurity to a real problem as I realised that the trusty door code (best kept secret in Geneva) was stored in my mobile so I never had to worry about forgetting/remembering it. My backup would normally be to call from downstairs - not gonna happen was it?
So there I was: standing in the dark street at about 11pm at night, shouting up 4 floors in the vain hope that Darryl will hear me through an open window (even though he normally shuts them to keep the noise of the busy street out). Is that how people used to do it in the olden days?
Aside: I had a friend once without a mobile (or 'cell'); but she got one about a month ago. Then the other day I got got a phone call, she rang me on it just to see how: she'd only ever done texting (sms-ing) and hadn't a clue! Some people take longer, but eventually even she has become caught up in the technology bug...
But when it comes down to it, was it the 'old methods' that helped me? Not at all! I realised after a few minutes (of looking mental) that I had my laptop with me (I had been blogging in Starbucks before YAGs) so I just sat on the step, fired it up and checked my downloaded mail inbox. It was technological progress that that had saved the day, not looking back.
I like to think that if God can answer prayers using a computer He can't despise technology that much (wow, this post did not start out as Amish bashing!). I had asked Robyn to take my laptop home for me and then last minute decided not to bother; thus my desperate prayer outside Mike Wong's was fulfilled 5 minutes prior in front of Kafé Deko. But then, time and space not really a problem for Him are they?
On the way out I managed to fall down the stairs whist holding my computer, I think this is less the fault of technology and more flip flops on stone steps. I do that *quite* a lot... I am still, it seems, subject to the laws of gravity and friction. Damn it. My reaction to the situation was frustration and angst (anyone who saw my Facebook status that night would testify to that fact...!). Not something I am feeling nearly so much these days. But then, as the song goes, "Little by little, everyday..."
So, really, progress is all right by me. And, just for the hell of it, let's chuck in a biblical reference! Not wanting to akin myself to a tanned goatskin with the legs and tail cut off, I am very much enjoying the new wine. (Have I taken a reference and completely altered the meaning? Do tell me if so. I am, after all, only a month and 10 days old and still very much learning...)
À la prochaine!
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
JC 7-11
Like JC 24/7, but less radical.
I was having a conversation with a friend today about a secular educational trip thingy they did called JC24. I though it sounded amusingly religious and thus ensued a comical chat about JC huit à huit (the French type) and, far more fluid, JC 7-11.
But don't you find that it is a very familiar concept? Or is that just me. I mean, sometimes when I am alone with myself, and God is there but it is too hard to pay attention what with all the distracting temptations of mind take precedent, I am being a JC 7-11. Open in the majority, definitely convenient but 1/3rd of the time I have to take a break.
Something else I discovered today.... Not all Oreos are chocolate covered! Now, call me naïve but shouldn't they be?
So that is my thought for the moment. Why not go all the way and have the chocolate coating? That is how they are meant to be and how they are at their best. It's still an Oreo without the thick layer of chocolatey goodness but it's not nearly as tasty. And doesn't it say "Taste and see that the Lord is good."? [OK, this only makes sense if you have read this.]
There are so many areas of my existence that Christian living has not even had the chance to be expressed. I mean, Britain for a start! I have spent a sum total of 22 hours there since 'the change' and who knows what it will be like to move back and let It permeate my life there. I haven't even driven a car as a Christian yet. Maybe I'll be more careful...?
I hope so.
Yesterday was the first day of the non-contract period of my life here. Bizarrely I realised I feel suddenly different. I feel like I am a visitor. A very happy visitor indeed who cares a lot about the people here, wants to come back for holidays and loves the fact that she is in town for the summer; but a visitor that is thinking quite a lot about the colour of her kitchen at home. That's the thing, I know I will be going back and, whilst unexpected, I am glad that I feel like I will be at home in England. There was the risk that given how much my life had changed whilst here, I was going to feel out of place on return. Yesterday at YAGs we had an international evening where we each took a dish (I chose fruit salad, as in garden party... tenuous but I have tried and failed at scones once already!) and shared a little about our country of origin. After all the Americans, Canadians and South Africans had sung their national anthems I felt like we should have a turn, so me and Sara led them in the first verse of 'God Save The Queen'! I tell you what, I was kinda proud. (Not of anything in particular, but isn't that the nature of pride?!) I definitely still got my Brit :-)
So, I am excited and confident about le prochain chapitre. How can I not be, with the Oreos (chocolated coated I pray) waiting for me. And a 24-hour ASDA...
I was having a conversation with a friend today about a secular educational trip thingy they did called JC24. I though it sounded amusingly religious and thus ensued a comical chat about JC huit à huit (the French type) and, far more fluid, JC 7-11.
But don't you find that it is a very familiar concept? Or is that just me. I mean, sometimes when I am alone with myself, and God is there but it is too hard to pay attention what with all the distracting temptations of mind take precedent, I am being a JC 7-11. Open in the majority, definitely convenient but 1/3rd of the time I have to take a break.
Something else I discovered today.... Not all Oreos are chocolate covered! Now, call me naïve but shouldn't they be?
So that is my thought for the moment. Why not go all the way and have the chocolate coating? That is how they are meant to be and how they are at their best. It's still an Oreo without the thick layer of chocolatey goodness but it's not nearly as tasty. And doesn't it say "Taste and see that the Lord is good."? [OK, this only makes sense if you have read this.]
There are so many areas of my existence that Christian living has not even had the chance to be expressed. I mean, Britain for a start! I have spent a sum total of 22 hours there since 'the change' and who knows what it will be like to move back and let It permeate my life there. I haven't even driven a car as a Christian yet. Maybe I'll be more careful...?
I hope so.
Yesterday was the first day of the non-contract period of my life here. Bizarrely I realised I feel suddenly different. I feel like I am a visitor. A very happy visitor indeed who cares a lot about the people here, wants to come back for holidays and loves the fact that she is in town for the summer; but a visitor that is thinking quite a lot about the colour of her kitchen at home. That's the thing, I know I will be going back and, whilst unexpected, I am glad that I feel like I will be at home in England. There was the risk that given how much my life had changed whilst here, I was going to feel out of place on return. Yesterday at YAGs we had an international evening where we each took a dish (I chose fruit salad, as in garden party... tenuous but I have tried and failed at scones once already!) and shared a little about our country of origin. After all the Americans, Canadians and South Africans had sung their national anthems I felt like we should have a turn, so me and Sara led them in the first verse of 'God Save The Queen'! I tell you what, I was kinda proud. (Not of anything in particular, but isn't that the nature of pride?!) I definitely still got my Brit :-)
So, I am excited and confident about le prochain chapitre. How can I not be, with the Oreos (chocolated coated I pray) waiting for me. And a 24-hour ASDA...
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Returns Policy
First off, sorry about all the Christianity. I mean, not sorry per say but I am supposed to be writing a blog so that my friends can keep up with what I am up to and, well, I have non-Christian friends that I try and not talk to constantly about God so this one-sided conversational mechanism should reflect that. I will make more of an effort to include 'profane' anecdotes I promise!
Thus follows a long post with a vaguely spiritual feel and a strong I-wrote-this-when-I-should-be-in-bed feel...
I am very busy at the moment. Many ideas for blogs and no time to write!
However, I do not feel rushed or frantic in anyway. God has granted me the real gift of peace this last week and a half. The first week from my return I got so carried away and excited that I forgot to stop and just hang out with Jesus. It was one of the things I learnt when I was traveling and yet so quick to forget... Last weekend I was reminded of this and starting the following week (23rd) in a attitude of chillax was great. Someone very wise gave me some good advice on the Sunday which I have been following (or trying) and it really does help:
When God gives you something, give it back.
We are so used to the idea of giving up things for Jesus, or giving our grievances to Him; but remember the lady that prayed for a baby then gave Him to the priest (Samuel's mum?)...? Well when God gives us things, ideas, opportunities etc we can/should to say to Him "Ok, thanks, now here you go you decided what to do with this." Not opting out, just giving God control of what is going on.
This attitude totally transformed how I felt towards the choir. I would still go to lunch and be apprehensive (the French ladies who run that place are scary), there would still be exciting things followed by sudden blockages; but I was a lot more at ease. It was nice. It was also very inkeeping with what I feel this summer is about - spending time with God, learning as much as I can and enjoying life before I go back to England. In a spirit of The Kingdom yes but not with a push to get stuff done. This is the holiday season! [The work is sure to follow...]
And many blessings are coming along. Today I made a new friend and spent all afternoon with a hilarious Philadelphian vagabond (in his own words) who may or may not have been Bi-polar but was definitely cool. I am connecting with such wonderful people at the kitchen and the opportunities to talk about Jesus with them, or just share some of His love, seem copious. This is what it is about. Some big adventure which looks cool and seems spectacular is not how God is glorified, that is how men are glorified and His ways are different - the next thing I learnt--
--From the angle of stress I was doing much better but I think I had inadvertently developed the mindset that the reason a music project may not happen (we don't know but it is looking less likely in an official capacity... there is however a fantastic outreach project in Geneva next week called engaGE and there is some scope there perhaps) is 'cause that was too big and unfeasible for me and God wants to use people who know what they are doing (more exciting developments... the Salvation Army are looking for a choir master (!) and my friend who has been helping me would be perfect so it could well happen after all and anyway the long term nature of the project makes that much more fitting) and could handle something that cool so I was only entrusted with feeding them (had been letting this develop into a bit of a general mindset of big exciting things not happening to me which is another mistaken attitude but too long for this post)... Now. Duh. Apart from the fact that we are called to be servants and all that jazz (quite a big Duh) is the idea that when we are living out God's plans it is not a compromise or a reflection of how good we are or aren't. It is the perfect thing for us. We are not chosen for things 'cause that is all He has for us, it is WHAT He has for us. His ways are not our ways, His plans are higher than ours (see Isaiah 55 for a proper version, that was given to me by someone the other day and is SO relevant) and when I live in accordance with surrendering to Him what I am doing is the best it can be.
So in this I have even more peace. I am happy to let go of worrying about how to make things happen (especially in the light that it is being started up elsewhere), loving every minute of discovering His ways and enjoying how not a day goes by when in the evening I am not delighted at the fantastic experiences I have just had. I am becoming less and less surprised as I realise God has every moment in His will. I make the strangest friends; leave my phone in the stupidest places and then meet people by finding it; have the most enlightened and blessed conversations and find the coolest stuff in the street on the way home! Life with God is far more exciting that on my own. My weeks are at their best when the schedule is empty, 'cause He has one that is full of delight!
Tomorrow morning I am off swimming with a family from church and then... the world is His oyster. I'm sending it all straight back from whence it came, He takes much better care.
Sorry about all the parenthesis, they are my favourite punctuation (after exclamation marks!) but I should learn better grammar (and also write less late at night)...
Thus follows a long post with a vaguely spiritual feel and a strong I-wrote-this-when-I-should-be-in-bed feel...
I am very busy at the moment. Many ideas for blogs and no time to write!
However, I do not feel rushed or frantic in anyway. God has granted me the real gift of peace this last week and a half. The first week from my return I got so carried away and excited that I forgot to stop and just hang out with Jesus. It was one of the things I learnt when I was traveling and yet so quick to forget... Last weekend I was reminded of this and starting the following week (23rd) in a attitude of chillax was great. Someone very wise gave me some good advice on the Sunday which I have been following (or trying) and it really does help:
When God gives you something, give it back.
We are so used to the idea of giving up things for Jesus, or giving our grievances to Him; but remember the lady that prayed for a baby then gave Him to the priest (Samuel's mum?)...? Well when God gives us things, ideas, opportunities etc we can/should to say to Him "Ok, thanks, now here you go you decided what to do with this." Not opting out, just giving God control of what is going on.
This attitude totally transformed how I felt towards the choir. I would still go to lunch and be apprehensive (the French ladies who run that place are scary), there would still be exciting things followed by sudden blockages; but I was a lot more at ease. It was nice. It was also very inkeeping with what I feel this summer is about - spending time with God, learning as much as I can and enjoying life before I go back to England. In a spirit of The Kingdom yes but not with a push to get stuff done. This is the holiday season! [The work is sure to follow...]
And many blessings are coming along. Today I made a new friend and spent all afternoon with a hilarious Philadelphian vagabond (in his own words) who may or may not have been Bi-polar but was definitely cool. I am connecting with such wonderful people at the kitchen and the opportunities to talk about Jesus with them, or just share some of His love, seem copious. This is what it is about. Some big adventure which looks cool and seems spectacular is not how God is glorified, that is how men are glorified and His ways are different - the next thing I learnt--
--From the angle of stress I was doing much better but I think I had inadvertently developed the mindset that the reason a music project may not happen (we don't know but it is looking less likely in an official capacity... there is however a fantastic outreach project in Geneva next week called engaGE and there is some scope there perhaps) is 'cause that was too big and unfeasible for me and God wants to use people who know what they are doing (more exciting developments... the Salvation Army are looking for a choir master (!) and my friend who has been helping me would be perfect so it could well happen after all and anyway the long term nature of the project makes that much more fitting) and could handle something that cool so I was only entrusted with feeding them (had been letting this develop into a bit of a general mindset of big exciting things not happening to me which is another mistaken attitude but too long for this post)... Now. Duh. Apart from the fact that we are called to be servants and all that jazz (quite a big Duh) is the idea that when we are living out God's plans it is not a compromise or a reflection of how good we are or aren't. It is the perfect thing for us. We are not chosen for things 'cause that is all He has for us, it is WHAT He has for us. His ways are not our ways, His plans are higher than ours (see Isaiah 55 for a proper version, that was given to me by someone the other day and is SO relevant) and when I live in accordance with surrendering to Him what I am doing is the best it can be.
So in this I have even more peace. I am happy to let go of worrying about how to make things happen (especially in the light that it is being started up elsewhere), loving every minute of discovering His ways and enjoying how not a day goes by when in the evening I am not delighted at the fantastic experiences I have just had. I am becoming less and less surprised as I realise God has every moment in His will. I make the strangest friends; leave my phone in the stupidest places and then meet people by finding it; have the most enlightened and blessed conversations and find the coolest stuff in the street on the way home! Life with God is far more exciting that on my own. My weeks are at their best when the schedule is empty, 'cause He has one that is full of delight!
Tomorrow morning I am off swimming with a family from church and then... the world is His oyster. I'm sending it all straight back from whence it came, He takes much better care.
Sorry about all the parenthesis, they are my favourite punctuation (after exclamation marks!) but I should learn better grammar (and also write less late at night)...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
