So I'm being lazy. I wrote this last November and just copied and pasted from a Facebook note. I know it's not particularly inventive and more than a little irrelevant but I have to get to French. Anyway, some of you may even remember eating this shit; now you know how it was done...:
If you have several hours to kill and the desire to impress new friends with your baking abilities you may wish to try this exciting patisserie dish... Or possibly not:
Ingredients
A Swiss Brownie kit with cake mix inside and instructions in French, German and Italian
100g of butter (partially melted, partially congealed)
3 eggs
0.5 litres of water
400g of chocolate (just in case)
200g hazelnuts
any old breakfast cereal you have lying around
Taking the simple to follow instructions make the decision to try and amend the recipe. Melt a 1/4 of the chocolate in the microwave in a non-microwaveable bowl and watch your kitchen start to smoke and smell of melted plastic.
Meanwhile, chop up whole hazelnuts, because you don't believe in paying extra for ready ground.
Empty the packet labeled 'melange pour gateaux' into a large bowl and add the required eggs and butter (don't bother melting it properly, the excess water will ruin it anyway) then add ten times the required 0.5 dl of water. Mix it up and feel the realisation dawn on you that you have just created chocolate soup. Don't forget to note that the mix inside the box is for 'gateaux' which you are pretty sure is French for 'cake'.
Persevere. You can not give up now, this has cost you 15CHF. Maybe it will condense down as it bakes.
At this point take a break (with more chocolate in the microwave) and check your facebook status. Note that friends are offering you exciting recipes for tasty baked goods and you are struggling to follow 'Dr. Oetker's' simple brownie mix. Watch your mixture congeal as you reply to pointless wall posts...
Carry on melting the choc a line at a time until you remember the safer and more professional method of a bowl in a saucepan of hot water. Marvel that you manage to burn the chocolate but remember, that was the last of it so it goes in anyway. As you see the water bubbling into the mix and realise the sides are too high to remove the scalding bowl note that you will never make a good wife.
With the burnt chocolate setting hard, exectutively decide to add it to the rest of the mess. And the put that whole bowl into the saucepan of hot water to encourage the butter to melt and the chocolate to mix properly. Realise a little too late that it is the same type of plastic that melted in the microwave. A familiar smell returns...
Quickly fish out the bowl. Your back up of chocolate cornflake cakes is gone since you used all the chocolate in an attempt to salvage the brownies. What the hell, might as well waste some more food. Crush and mix in almost a whole box of Kellogg's Cornflakes (other brands are available) and smile that the mixture is indeed thickening. Get bored as you chop the rest of the nuts (very badly by this point) and don't forget to change your status at least three times throughout.
This should have taken you approximately 1 1/2 hours by now. The mixture is considerable larger than you anticipated and it dawns on you that there are no cake trays at all, let alone sufficient for this monstrosity. Never mind, a couple of shallow oven trays later and a lot of mess, as you have to go back and grease the tins after pouring the mixture, and you are ready to cook them. OR should they be put in the fridge? Who know. Choose any setting you like on the oven and place them inside for an undetermined length of time.
Check often and pray.
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