You know that exciting feeling you get when your phone receives a text? The anticipation, the knowledge that someone loves you, the idea that the course of your life could actually change in that moment (Note: if this is because it could be a proposal then you should probably get another boyfriend) or at least the course of your evening. Then of course, there is the amplification factor when you are really anticipating a text or just willing something to come in and break the expected routine for the rest of the day... well, I just got a text that was the King of Anticlimax!
From no-one rubbish, not saying anything bad (making a vague invitation for some point in the future to something I don't particularly want to do). Just a nothing text. Thing is it came right at the wrong moment. When all you want is a last minute invite for a Saturday night or a little bit of a friendly wassup (I don't mean one of those conversations that go nowhere... they do very little for me) or an answer to a question you asked. Ironic since I just came home from a party I could have stayed at but am socially drained from previously/afore mentioned ball and party and need to be on my own. My point? Have I got one? I suppose something along the lines of when things just aren't as classically comforting as you would wish for. But that it's OK. God knows what I really need and I know that He can and will give it to me. Which is nice. Makes a change from the no faith I had in that a year ago.
How was the ball? Well, I suppose I kinda felt like, just as God took me shopping for a dress and made me feel like I could justify pampering myself for the evening, that He was then my date too. Which is a good thing 'cause it wasn't really the pick up a guy sort of place! :-P I hadn't been out dancing for a while (except about half an hour at the Halloween gig but not that many of my friends were shaking their thang and it was, afterall, in Pickwicks) and it was good to move. I went with a new friend Rachel that I have only met properly recently, having chatted with a bit over t'internet these past 6 months or so; that was really cool and I dragged her into the dance-off competition... and we made it to the finals! So exhilarating. Which was, I suppose, what I needed then. (I swear we only lost 'cause the winners were a mixed couple and it was a church!)
Today my friend Ben told me my hair was looking longer. I was waiting for someone to mention it - that's kinda how you assess growth isn't it, 'cause you see it in yourself so slowly it's hard to be sure. Like with personal growth. Which I've done a bit more of recently I think. Scary to notice how fast things are happening actually, given that the longer my hair gets the more progress I will make, the readier I become (readier for what I don't know but it's good to be ready!), the newer the challenges, the bigger the responsibilities (this is taking the basic though controversial assumption that my hair and spiritual development are directly proportional). Sometimes you just want to regress to early years and cling onto what you are comfortable with. But to quote an old cheesy DCTalk lyric:
"Separated, I cut myself clean, from a past that comes back in my darkest of dreams. Been apprehended by a spiritual force and a grace that replaced all the me I divorced".
If I regress now, in fear of what this growth will bring, then the faith I was talking about; the fact that I can now shake it on a dance floor under the judgement of a room full of unknown Christians (which honestly is probably the most intense kind of judgement!); and generally being able to say I'm going home now, I've had enough (Aside: Ben also said to me today that I was a lot calmer than when he knew me before, which was particularly funny given the shock on the faces of the people who had only just met me!) will be but vague shadowy forms of what could have come.
Paul said this. Jesus said this. I've met people that seem to assume the latter means staying naïve in your faith but I really don't think that is the point. We need to stay fresh in our faith and our purity from worldly influences but as far as not growing or learning or thinking differently - that is the whole deal. I've done a fair amount of thinking about what I really see as the point of life - I don't know if I mentioned it before but I kinda suddenly found that I'd got this "I have all the answers" attitude and realised it was only true by default and not by heart. As I write I realise that this is basically the crux of what God has been doing in me: working on my own understanding so that it isn't just a matter of signing up blind to find out one day what's going on. He's showing me, as I start to think more like an adult (sometimes!), more fully what is going on and how His Kingdom works. This is what Paul said straight away next and it doesn't mean we shouldn't know anything; we will know in part and we need to strive towards that in our maturity - not taking the innocence as an excuse for ignorance.
Some nice bloke prophecied over me t'other day (happens a lot here, like it! When done sensibly with a good bit of critical spirit of course) and the thing I'm excited by as I write is that the verse he gave was the next one in this passage (I don't plan ahead in these entries, they kinda just happen. I don't know the bible well enough - thank Heaven for Biblegateway search!). Faith, hope and love - the greatest being Love. Which is basically what I have been learning about don'tcha know. The next blog I write will be called "The Meaning of Life"... I just gave the synopisis but hey, I can stretch it out.
God knows I need to know a bit, not everything but a rough guide, a poor reflection, an essence of what the hell is going on anyway. So I am rather glad that He has shown me some stuff and given me a good bit of general direction etc.
On the topic of Christian maturity, it was Beautiful Brian's sweet 16th yesterday, so Happy Rebirthday Brian! If you still ever read BGB... It's my 6 months on Tues too - getting old. Lord knows who I'll be at Christmas. More like Jesus I hope! Not in a "superspiritual" way of course... In a "super spiritual" way! (Can you pick up that intonation?!).
I just got the King of Anticlimax phone call - a wrong number on my landline! Lol, I'm off to spend a quite night in with God, a DVD and maybe some late tea (the eating kind) and tea (the hot decaff kind)... Night! x
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