A Mini Self-Assessment

Technically this counts as Thursdays post cause I haven't gone to bed yet. Plus it is 5 to midnight UK time and I am getting myself readjusted.

So, what's been going down. A good bit of miraculous peace which is nice, yesterday I got all kinds of things done in a really chilled manner including making 'business cards' and fitting in my last Starbucks (made an exception for old times sake) with good friends using vouchers that another good friend gave me for my birthday and I only just found! Anna threw Robyn and I a going away 'share a song' party in the eve, which I was of course fashionably late for. It was lovely and I found myself just enjoying every minute and not thinking about the end. Just having a great last week which is exactly what I was worried would not happen so am very grateful. AND Sheila gave us both fabulous Ghanaian dresses (which Robyn is cheekily calling Moomoos!) so that was lovely :-D.

Today on the other hand I have had my bitchy mean judgmental ungraceful tendencies come out in full force. Not the only thing I have been learning about this week but a key lesson which I failed immeasurable times in all situations and, well, sorry. To everyone and particularly God. Why is it that we can know and vow how to be but it is so easy to slip? I rather felt t'other day some stuff about needing to have a servant heart (more ont another time, maybe) and I think perhaps the next stage of this journey I am on will be in learning humility and love, and in finding that through practical offerings.

'Cause the thing is, this year I learnt to love myself and appreciate who God has made me and be uplifted and encouraged in my giftings and character. Thank you for that, everyone who has added to the stockpile, it really was very gratefully received. Now it is time for me to see that, though I am fabulous and can do lots of things, the first call is to be last. I need to be humble before I can be great for God. If in discernment I judge it is better not to be discernful. If in leading I take control it is better to follow. If in any earthly gifting I get vain it is better do unglamorous mediocre things in secret - Yuck.

I am having to transition from someone who is just discovering faith and getting away with certain things to learning what really isn't appropriate. From misfiring sometimes to taking responsibility for thinking and caring more about those around me. From uncontained naïve excitement to directed encouragement. From passion for change to compassion for the chained. I am growing, I think, but it is not that easy or fun and boy do I suck at it.

Still, there are many rewards waiting on the other side. I can't help thinking of Abraham and Isaac when I think I am giving something up for God. It is hard to say "I will do this for you because I love you and you have called me to" when there is a constant niggle adding "and if you do then He will bless right back atcha". This whole religion thing really isn't altruistic is it? Giving stuff up is SO a personal gain its untrue. It annoys me but then, you can't really get away from your own thought failings. It is so true that God knows us better than we do 'cause even when I want to be genuine I can find myself kidding myself. I think.

I wish I was still a baby. Approaching the 3 month rebirthday on Monday and I have to say, it has been exponential. Don't get me wrong, still very much a newbie, just with less excuses than before. Hmmmm... all good shit though :-)


P.S. I am aware that I wrote a post about wanting to be humble. Seems perhaps the wrong place to start...? But as Sara told me, Moses was the humblest man on the face of the earth - check out this reference for evidence (if you go in for the bible that it) - yet he was the very dude that wrote the Book of Numbers!

P.P.S. While writing about humility may not be a huge error, potentially comparing myself to Moses may well be! I hope this doesn't come across like it reads...!