Can I sum up in one post everything that I want to say?
The year is over. Only a few short hours away. Christmas has been an exciting but bewildering time. Having seen quite a few of my peers from my youth I have come into the realisation that I am on the cusp of being a grown up. Not a "young adult" or pretending anymore but actually fully matured with bills to pay and lives to plan. I'm not quite there yet but I reckon by the time my degree is over my establishment in adulthood will be well and truly made. I already am a bit of a wuss when it comes to late nights and hardcore socialising! My bob will be in place, my future starting to take shape and there will be no more excuses. Fortunately(?) I am not actually there yet but it seems close on the horizon...!
So where am I at? Well this term has seen me change as much as in the previous three months. A real time of finding and removing the bones and cleansing the land to get it ready for what is going to happen next. I feel my faith growing and am seeing more of God's power moving, in what feels like a direct result of that. I have had wonderful times of sharing what's happened to me, finding communities to build, experiencing good leadership and receiving great support. I've learnt that relationships and interdependency are what life is about and how we need to start actively working in our locality to be Jesus and see change occur.
Joy is oh so key. It is our strength even in the valleys, which these past few months have felt a bit like at times. But what a fruitful one it has been: really immediate and deep friendships with like minded people forming; establishing a Women of God community where we are seeking to live holistic lives of integrity; finding a place in Bristol as somewhere I feel my heart lies. Rediscovering love and what that is all about - everything. It is all you need. A many splendoured thing. I'm excited that two of the main things I have been involved in/am getting involved in are called Agapé and LoveBristol respectively. Love love love. God is love which is why it really is the most important thing, above all other agendas. I read 2 John yesterday and particularly appreciated how it was for a woman (though it really is relevant to everyone). This bit really jumped out at me:
"And now, dear lady, I am not writing you a new command but one we have had from the beginning. I ask that we love one another. And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love."
I've got chills they're multiplying. And it isn't the coffee... Which I drink now, from time to time. Probably the reason this post is a bit disconnected! Finding peace in myself leaves me a lot freer to do such things (in moderation obviously) though I don't think I like being this woosey so I won't make a regular habit of it!
What now then? As I go into the new year I have several practical goals for the next stage:
To start a trust fund like a scholarship for homeless people with a specific need. I hate meeting those that, for want of mere money, are trapped in a viscous and destructive cycle.
To start a free shop - let's beat the system man! I'm clearing out and as I slowly break free of the consumerist "stuff" pattern I want to see a trend being set for change. It's obviously not working and the world is finally starting to see it so let's facilitate that.
To give more to my communities, living an integrated holistic life and putting faith into practice.
To eat more "whole" foods and start cooking/baking from scratch.
To commit to finishing my degree and being dedicated to that - and finding cool God moments in the maths!
To pray more!! That's the hardest one I think.
To make more music (though I fear that is for the second half of the year once the work is done).
To write a student alternative newspaper that promotes living a different life to the way the world functions. On an environmental and economic slant promoting community, sustainability, rediscovered identity and creativity. Holistic living and a loving lifestyle. Sounds a bit glib but I have hopes and as we look for "Another Way" the idea is to introduce The Way, in Truth and be intentionally evangelical with it. 'Cause duh, that is the whole point isn't it? This last one goes in bold as it will require the most work and 'cause I want you to pray for it...!
On top of all this I want to see more of God's love and power in my life and get to know him more and deepen our relationship... but then really, who doesn't?!
Let's face it though. This is a lot and will take a hell of a commitment not to mention supernatural support. I feel, in order to be realistic, that from my perspective something has to give... and that something is going to be Baby Got Brit.
As I mentioned before, when I started writing I was in a different place. Half my time could be spent living and the other half telling my blog readers about it :-P Now I barely have a moment spare to tell myself and it is just unsustainable to try and capture it here. And we all know that unsustainable is not good. I am not nearly as compulsive which is great for me but means I am not obsessing over blogging and have found it increasingly hard to do so. There are tons of incomplete stories in my draft box and I have to accept that it just can't happen right now.
The thing is, as I have said before, writing alone isn't going to do very much. My observational skills have been honed and there is now no denying that I am fully equipped to understand all the analogies and can no longer hide behind the analysis - it is time to close my laptop and get my hands dirty.
It's not a total goodbye. For one thing once the degree is done it might be the right time - I am considering voluntary unemployment for a while (not that I will necessarily have the option anyway) which may or may not leave me free to write... plus I will still put the odd (quite literally) thing up in the interim if I write a poem or an article for proposed magazine. You never know, I may even pop by for a chat randomly or if I find something funny (so long as I don't use it as a procrastination tool - keep me accountable!) but the point is that my life is no longer going to be available for download. This processor can't cope with how big it's got - there are simply too many bits of information to communicate.
Lol, now it's over I'll suddenly want to be here all the time! I can't say for sure what will happen and once again this may be another big idea that doesn't quite work out and I will return, wiser. But, as with attempting a homeless choir in 3 months (check out 'Homeless Stuffs' tag) with limited French and no idea didn't quite pan into a Sister Act moment, it did still turn out with God saying it was cool. We had a gig at the end of the engaGE week and it was a wonderful time where there was joy living in that place, the staff suddenly went from miserable to fun loving and people got a chance to have the something-more-than-just-dinner moment that I first been inspired by. The last day I was there a lady spoke to me that never had before saying in perfect English that she had really enjoyed it and I felt like it had all been worthwhile. So I think even if my "big ideas" seem a little over-reaching it will be OK and God can turn them to something sweet. Better than doing Fuck All anyway, in't it?
Alors, bye bye baby, Baby bye bye. Who knows what the future brings... the story goes on but not right here right now. Stay in touch, the open invite still remains (though ideally do ring first!) and if we never "speak" again I hope to see you on the other side...
Love Kat(i)e x x x
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
I should go to bed but...
I was writing a rough journal and a thought that started forming earlier this evening started forming a bit more and I figured as I was writing it down why not articulate and share. Being in suburban London right now I feel a little cut off from the rest of the world so this way I can pretend I am still in touch.
Can't be arsed to review Christmas just yet. It was good, busy, a big haze of thinking and storing up and pondering but then I suppose that is what the end of the year is for. Mary had the right idea.
What was it from today?
Firstly a circumstance that arose out of a little thing (which had been discussed at lunch in the context of mathematically modelling God's plan - not easy!). Namely a pizza that a friend and I shared and both felt at the end, with our doggie bags, that it was not worth buying such a large one as, since we were back home, dinner was provided. Stupid money that cost (for a student you understand). Ah well, we'll learn. Then on the way home, as I debated munching it anyway before dinner as something to do on the train (instead I got so into this book that I missed my stop and nearly missed it again coming back!), I was convicted to give it to a homeless lady I saw. Thus dealing with several issues at once, not least self-control. But probably most, the importance of acting on what I believe. Not a huge amount, I still can't handle that I fear, but to say that I need to practise what I preach and get down to a little bit of sharing the love and appreciating people, all people, is quite an understatement.
We had a wicked time, I always do with those that aren't bound up in this crappy society; I wonder there is any point coming back to it sometimes. I am already comfortable and indulgent and compromising my actions but a few hours on. One thing that she said, that I had read in the aforementioned book but hadn't expected to see it so clearly and so soon after, was that all the c*nts that were rude, tried to pimp her/buy her, ignore and degraded her... all these people just went to show that the ones that didn't were that much more special. She said that she saw the 1% that was good and that she didn't think many people in London even saw that. Talk about an attitude of gratitude. And such a testimony to how I see evil - the way it is there to contrast against God that we may understand how bloody fantastic He is and choose to love Him. You can't comprehend light until you see the contrast with darkness.
Not the point of this post. The point was this:
She commented on my boots and said that she like them. That she spent a lot of time at street level and so had become quite aware of such things. Then she said that she had spotted me walking past before, 'cause I had quite a distinctive outft on (I was wearing a mixture of furry snow boots, bright red and leopard print I confess) and asked me why I had come back (I did the Levite before I did the Good Samaritan). I didn't tell her it was 'cause I didn't want to get fat munching on the train but it did make me think later... She saw me, standing out in the crowd, I was not just another pair of shoes. I see a lady on the street and I think she is obvious because she is outcast and different but I (despite my outfit choices - these thing are only relevant to the analogy not the message) will merge into the crowd and pass by unnoticed. Eh-eh (imagine gameshow blunder sound). There is no excuse, there is no reason, there is no opting out of that scenario. We cannot blend into the background and pretend that we are not part of that scene, that hustle and bustle; we have been spotted and are implicated whether we like it or not.
I'm going to quote Shane now, quoting yet someone else again, 'cause he is my (and everyone else's at the moment!) new "hero". It won't be as eloquent I warn you now:
Guy says to another guy "I want to ask God why he lets so much poverty and suffering happen in the world but I'm afraid He will ask me the same question back."
We are God's hand and feet on earth now that Jesus isn't here, the body of Christ as it were, so if we see things that need doing, duh, aren't we the instruments to get it done? That last bit was very much in the words of K.B. but the principles run deeper even that S.C. nay twas J.C. Himself.
Blimey. This is some serious shit. We're talkin' 'bout a revolution, sounds, like a whisper.
Can't be arsed to review Christmas just yet. It was good, busy, a big haze of thinking and storing up and pondering but then I suppose that is what the end of the year is for. Mary had the right idea.
What was it from today?
Firstly a circumstance that arose out of a little thing (which had been discussed at lunch in the context of mathematically modelling God's plan - not easy!). Namely a pizza that a friend and I shared and both felt at the end, with our doggie bags, that it was not worth buying such a large one as, since we were back home, dinner was provided. Stupid money that cost (for a student you understand). Ah well, we'll learn. Then on the way home, as I debated munching it anyway before dinner as something to do on the train (instead I got so into this book that I missed my stop and nearly missed it again coming back!), I was convicted to give it to a homeless lady I saw. Thus dealing with several issues at once, not least self-control. But probably most, the importance of acting on what I believe. Not a huge amount, I still can't handle that I fear, but to say that I need to practise what I preach and get down to a little bit of sharing the love and appreciating people, all people, is quite an understatement.
We had a wicked time, I always do with those that aren't bound up in this crappy society; I wonder there is any point coming back to it sometimes. I am already comfortable and indulgent and compromising my actions but a few hours on. One thing that she said, that I had read in the aforementioned book but hadn't expected to see it so clearly and so soon after, was that all the c*nts that were rude, tried to pimp her/buy her, ignore and degraded her... all these people just went to show that the ones that didn't were that much more special. She said that she saw the 1% that was good and that she didn't think many people in London even saw that. Talk about an attitude of gratitude. And such a testimony to how I see evil - the way it is there to contrast against God that we may understand how bloody fantastic He is and choose to love Him. You can't comprehend light until you see the contrast with darkness.
Not the point of this post. The point was this:
She commented on my boots and said that she like them. That she spent a lot of time at street level and so had become quite aware of such things. Then she said that she had spotted me walking past before, 'cause I had quite a distinctive outft on (I was wearing a mixture of furry snow boots, bright red and leopard print I confess) and asked me why I had come back (I did the Levite before I did the Good Samaritan). I didn't tell her it was 'cause I didn't want to get fat munching on the train but it did make me think later... She saw me, standing out in the crowd, I was not just another pair of shoes. I see a lady on the street and I think she is obvious because she is outcast and different but I (despite my outfit choices - these thing are only relevant to the analogy not the message) will merge into the crowd and pass by unnoticed. Eh-eh (imagine gameshow blunder sound). There is no excuse, there is no reason, there is no opting out of that scenario. We cannot blend into the background and pretend that we are not part of that scene, that hustle and bustle; we have been spotted and are implicated whether we like it or not.
I'm going to quote Shane now, quoting yet someone else again, 'cause he is my (and everyone else's at the moment!) new "hero". It won't be as eloquent I warn you now:
Guy says to another guy "I want to ask God why he lets so much poverty and suffering happen in the world but I'm afraid He will ask me the same question back."
We are God's hand and feet on earth now that Jesus isn't here, the body of Christ as it were, so if we see things that need doing, duh, aren't we the instruments to get it done? That last bit was very much in the words of K.B. but the principles run deeper even that S.C. nay twas J.C. Himself.
Blimey. This is some serious shit. We're talkin' 'bout a revolution, sounds, like a whisper.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
151 seconds to go...
... till my first Christmas! I am going to blog now, wrap some gifts and open a sneaky pressie from my friend Grace before hanging out the stocking and waiting for Santa. Whose name is oddly like Satan and I wonder if there are some crazy Christians out there who are suspicious of that fact. I wonder if I am one of them! Lol.
So, my thought for Christmas time is this. Elf. I love that film. Prime candidate to see Jesus in. The three rules of elves are as follows:
1) Treat everyday like Christmas
2) There's room for everyone on the nice list
3) The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing out loud for all to hear
If that doesn't scream Christianity I don't know what does.
The interesting thing is that straight after I watched Elf last night I watched Con Air. Also a bit of a classic and a total story about a Joseph type character stuck in prison but persevering with lots of feel good sacrifice and at least one reformed character who was changed (I like to think) by the simple "He's got the whole world in His hands" song and find himself free and starting afresh at the end of the film. A wonderful line: "I'm going to show you that God does exist", what a joy.
Elf and Con Air... quite different. Like the facets of God really. The first consistent feature is that they both have a character called Francisco; the second in the current of Hope. Watch them this Christmas and look out for Jesus.
So, my thought for Christmas time is this. Elf. I love that film. Prime candidate to see Jesus in. The three rules of elves are as follows:
1) Treat everyday like Christmas
2) There's room for everyone on the nice list
3) The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing out loud for all to hear
If that doesn't scream Christianity I don't know what does.
The interesting thing is that straight after I watched Elf last night I watched Con Air. Also a bit of a classic and a total story about a Joseph type character stuck in prison but persevering with lots of feel good sacrifice and at least one reformed character who was changed (I like to think) by the simple "He's got the whole world in His hands" song and find himself free and starting afresh at the end of the film. A wonderful line: "I'm going to show you that God does exist", what a joy.
Elf and Con Air... quite different. Like the facets of God really. The first consistent feature is that they both have a character called Francisco; the second in the current of Hope. Watch them this Christmas and look out for Jesus.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Experimenting with Haiku's, Christmas stylee
I know I haven't been writing but I'm just too muddled in my head. It's been a busy term, the end in particular, and finding time to put it all together into words has proven tricky. I've been to six parties and six carol services already and now I've arrived at the parent's in London I am finding myself doing all kinds of visiting and whatnot so my intentions of catching up in the tranquility of home life are not quite being fulfilled.
To top it all off I have been thinking a lot about Christmas and it confuses me. I have a lot of joy for this season, a lot of expectation for good things (and no I don't mean presents) and am loving that it is my first Christmas with Jesus. Last year I said to someone that I wanted to be a Christian by Christmas 'cause then it would be even better and they said to me that God has His own way of doing things and I would be best to accept and follow His plans (or something like that, which was far more helpful than telling me to just go do it) and they were SO right. This way has rocked much more that last year would have 'cause I've had the time (7 months exactly in fact) to get to know Jesus better, making it much more special. In the words of the first track of my first ever Christian Christmas album (Wow Christmas(!)): "It's going to be a Christmas to remember"; and I don't think that is because of snow.
Yet at the same time it is a bit strange to see the world as we know it changing and how the consumer driven society that I am still, unwittingly, oft a part of is crumbling while the unseasonal mildness becomes actually quite worrying. This year is definitely different for more than one reason and I am finding the contrast interesting and a bit strange. I failed to put it into words and so decided to try my hand at a haiku. I like poetry 'cause it encourages me to express myself in limited vocabulary, these being even more restrictive, and while I haven't quite achieved a one verse wonder I still thought I'd share:
Winter is not cold
The shops are so empty now
Something’s going wrong
Different plan this year
Can’t ignore facts anymore
Something’s going wrong
Headlines of despair
It will continue to change
When did it go wrong?
Yet in the face of all this fear the message of Christmas remains simple.
Oh Immanuel
Today brings change for us all
Love joy peace and hope
So I suppose that Christmas (or rather Christ, who is after all the reason for the season) is even more pertinent now in the financial/environmental/social clime that hangs over us.
Oh dark fearful fog
Hovering low and heavy
All lights dimmed but One
I could get used to this writing in verse!
In case we don't speak
May your Christmas be blessèd
Lots of love from me
x x x
To top it all off I have been thinking a lot about Christmas and it confuses me. I have a lot of joy for this season, a lot of expectation for good things (and no I don't mean presents) and am loving that it is my first Christmas with Jesus. Last year I said to someone that I wanted to be a Christian by Christmas 'cause then it would be even better and they said to me that God has His own way of doing things and I would be best to accept and follow His plans (or something like that, which was far more helpful than telling me to just go do it) and they were SO right. This way has rocked much more that last year would have 'cause I've had the time (7 months exactly in fact) to get to know Jesus better, making it much more special. In the words of the first track of my first ever Christian Christmas album (Wow Christmas(!)): "It's going to be a Christmas to remember"; and I don't think that is because of snow.
Yet at the same time it is a bit strange to see the world as we know it changing and how the consumer driven society that I am still, unwittingly, oft a part of is crumbling while the unseasonal mildness becomes actually quite worrying. This year is definitely different for more than one reason and I am finding the contrast interesting and a bit strange. I failed to put it into words and so decided to try my hand at a haiku. I like poetry 'cause it encourages me to express myself in limited vocabulary, these being even more restrictive, and while I haven't quite achieved a one verse wonder I still thought I'd share:
Winter is not cold
The shops are so empty now
Something’s going wrong
Different plan this year
Can’t ignore facts anymore
Something’s going wrong
Headlines of despair
It will continue to change
When did it go wrong?
Yet in the face of all this fear the message of Christmas remains simple.
Oh Immanuel
Today brings change for us all
Love joy peace and hope
So I suppose that Christmas (or rather Christ, who is after all the reason for the season) is even more pertinent now in the financial/environmental/social clime that hangs over us.
Oh dark fearful fog
Hovering low and heavy
All lights dimmed but One
I could get used to this writing in verse!
In case we don't speak
May your Christmas be blessèd
Lots of love from me
x x x
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Whoops
I didn't do the reading for my seminar today.
I mean, I didn't even check what it was and pretend - which is all I usually manage anyway.
I have been very busy and working hard (term ends tomorrow!!) and, well, it was not feasible and I knew it wasn't the most important thing anyway. I have my essay idea sort of in-hand and anyway if you learn too much it pushes the old stuff out...
I really really really wish I had though. We were looking at two papers - opposing arguments type thing - and two boys in the group had to present on them. Easy. I sit and take notes on what they say and if anything relevant does come up then I go read it later. The first was by some bloke called Williamson: one interesting thing I actually heard was about how metalanguages (that is like English like) aren't fully logical but we do get them so what does it matter and if we have the choice between expressing ourselves and "technically making sense" then the first is totally the best one. I agree with this guy, semantic pessimism sucks arse.
I'll give you an example. "I've packed everything" clearly doesn't mean everything but we know what it is on about. Hell, we even get little annoying jokey retorts like "Even the kitchen sink?" from it. People know what we mean and why faff about the details?
The other day in class I actually ranted about this annoying semantical debate saying, and I do believe this is verbatim(ish), that "this whole course is just about saying the same thing in different ways then arguing about which is right. It doesn't matter... Can you model stuff? Yes. Then it works!" That didn't go down so well...
And I think deciding that the seminar was so boring I wasn't going to pretend to pay attention didn't either. It wasn't like it was anyone's fault, I just couldn't be arsed to try to get it. When the lad doing the response piped up I did have one thought, which was: "why didn't they say who the were presenting on? What is my subheading supposed to be?". Paper's are normally referred to by the author as though we all know the dude. Like, Boolos was all over it being about... I don't remember... Plural Quantification maybe? This one didn't even get named on the handout.
Halfway through looking like I didn't give a shit I realised WHY they hadn't introduced it. Despite the fact that the usually well spoken boy was talking in such a strange way along the lines of "you then do this and you say that" I didn't clock till I looked at the pages in his hand that the author was MY TUTOR. The dude that we DO all know. Sitting on my other side having himself (misre)presented to a room full of bored looking students. I could have died. The first week I haven't made any effort at all and he is so nice I just wanted to comment. But I really hadn't got a clue.
Oh deary deary deary. And what is more worrying is that I think he opposes everything I have ever thought (and expressed) about Philosophy of Maths. I suppose dedicating your life to it is already quite an opposing view point... Give me Evolutionary Game Theory any time. My friend wrote a paper about "Wishful Thinking", I'm planning on writing a model for "Disappointment", it's cool; I can't even begin to care about the best way to contrive set hierarchies or which language to describe them in - one people can UNDERSTAND.
I have reached my intellectual limitations and I'm not even close to being humbled.
I mean, I didn't even check what it was and pretend - which is all I usually manage anyway.
I have been very busy and working hard (term ends tomorrow!!) and, well, it was not feasible and I knew it wasn't the most important thing anyway. I have my essay idea sort of in-hand and anyway if you learn too much it pushes the old stuff out...
I really really really wish I had though. We were looking at two papers - opposing arguments type thing - and two boys in the group had to present on them. Easy. I sit and take notes on what they say and if anything relevant does come up then I go read it later. The first was by some bloke called Williamson: one interesting thing I actually heard was about how metalanguages (that is like English like) aren't fully logical but we do get them so what does it matter and if we have the choice between expressing ourselves and "technically making sense" then the first is totally the best one. I agree with this guy, semantic pessimism sucks arse.
I'll give you an example. "I've packed everything" clearly doesn't mean everything but we know what it is on about. Hell, we even get little annoying jokey retorts like "Even the kitchen sink?" from it. People know what we mean and why faff about the details?
The other day in class I actually ranted about this annoying semantical debate saying, and I do believe this is verbatim(ish), that "this whole course is just about saying the same thing in different ways then arguing about which is right. It doesn't matter... Can you model stuff? Yes. Then it works!" That didn't go down so well...
And I think deciding that the seminar was so boring I wasn't going to pretend to pay attention didn't either. It wasn't like it was anyone's fault, I just couldn't be arsed to try to get it. When the lad doing the response piped up I did have one thought, which was: "why didn't they say who the were presenting on? What is my subheading supposed to be?". Paper's are normally referred to by the author as though we all know the dude. Like, Boolos was all over it being about... I don't remember... Plural Quantification maybe? This one didn't even get named on the handout.
Halfway through looking like I didn't give a shit I realised WHY they hadn't introduced it. Despite the fact that the usually well spoken boy was talking in such a strange way along the lines of "you then do this and you say that" I didn't clock till I looked at the pages in his hand that the author was MY TUTOR. The dude that we DO all know. Sitting on my other side having himself (misre)presented to a room full of bored looking students. I could have died. The first week I haven't made any effort at all and he is so nice I just wanted to comment. But I really hadn't got a clue.
Oh deary deary deary. And what is more worrying is that I think he opposes everything I have ever thought (and expressed) about Philosophy of Maths. I suppose dedicating your life to it is already quite an opposing view point... Give me Evolutionary Game Theory any time. My friend wrote a paper about "Wishful Thinking", I'm planning on writing a model for "Disappointment", it's cool; I can't even begin to care about the best way to contrive set hierarchies or which language to describe them in - one people can UNDERSTAND.
I have reached my intellectual limitations and I'm not even close to being humbled.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
The Analogy That Keeps on Giving
I am waiting for growth. Enjoying it short while it lasts. Surely I can let the metaphor go for a while.
But no! What's happened now? I hear you ask. Is the style growing out, maybe I got a trim or a perm (wow that would not work at all)? I actually think that the shape is doing OK. I may or may not tidy it up when I get back to London but it seems to have lasted alright.
I have simply made an insightful observation based upon pre-existing features.
Before I got the chop and went for the "cut the crap and start again approach" to my hair. I was trying to bring it back to ginge (which, in case you didn't know due to repeated brainwashing of jealous people, is a wonderful colour akin to gold and totally cool) the artificial and "fast-tracked" way. That is through dye. The latest time I tried this, when my roots were already at least an inch long, they used an "organic permanent mix" instead of the usual semi as it would be better for the condition. Organic you say? Bring it on I say. BUT, you know what this means? The bit of root I had that ended up being the bulk of the short drastic 'starting again' haircut was actually dyed.
Which meant that I turned out to be more ginger than I actually am naturally.
Only fractionally, maybe a shade more orange, but it does notice in the right light (now my true true roots are coming through) and the overall effect is subtly but significantly brighter.
And this is where it gets clever see. I have been thinking about how maybe I have been being a bit "too" Christian of late. Like, it started out funny and it still is a lot of the time but I don't want to become someone that is all about generic identity and forgetting the fearfully and wonderfully made part.
Looking for your new identity in Christ can be hard, particularly when there are things in your old identity that are tied in with negative conotations. The temptation is to say these things I knew about me are wrong and I need to "find myself" again but you know what, Jesus has already found me. I once was lost but he left those 99 sheep to look for me and is now rejoicing over me with singing. Along with all the angels. I just need to take out the bits of debris that I picked up in the wilderness.
For example: I talk a lot. I mean a lot. There are good things in this. Some of my friends have really encouraged me with statements such as "I like it 'cause it means I don't have to" and it sure comes in handy with some people some of the time and certain types of in-your-face evangelism. But this verbosity has been a bit of point of tension for me, particularly recently since, delightful character trait though it is, it becomes hard to pretend that being "too much" is always other people's problem. I mean, you seldom hear people say that Russell Brand just isn't understood properly and should be put in charge of more things, do you?! Unless you hear it from me that is... "They just can't handle me" was not something that Paul said about mixing with both the Jews and Gentiles etc. So from this came the temptation to believe, based upon the times that I miss the mark, that I am actually just totally wrong in myself. I sure didn't want to live in denial of things I need to change.
The idea of refinement vs rejection of these qualities got a bit muddled up till I wasn't really sure where the old me and the new me changed over. I know I do get it wrong and have a tendency to sometimes speak compulsively and without due care and attention but I didn't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater and assassinating my whole unique character seemed a bit drastic. Confusing.
But the hair thing helps a lot.
As I see it, I am a hell of a lot closer to natural than platinum blonde was. In all the process of trying to force myself into God's identity for me I just got a bit carried away and over did it. But it is relatively small, it will not last forever and it isn't a bad bad match. In time the ends will become a smaller ratio of dyed to real and then, little by little, get trimmed away. (Mum, could you book me that appointment actually please!)
People that know me of late think I'm a bit off the wall; people that knew me before Switzerland think I have calmed down a lot; people that watched it happen... I don't really know what they think...! But somewhere in the middle of all this is a happy balance and I just need to peace out and let God make it happen. In time. As I wait patiently and don't try and force it 'cause actually that don't work. I am alright. I am not perfect. I am in the best possible hands.
When was in GVA and we did the gig (a prime time for God showing me insecurities I forgot I had) we dressed up in *quite* silly outfits. Both my other band members (which is why I am putting their pic up too! Share the responsibility...) wanted orange hair and I am game for most things. So we did this:
Which now screams to me to be the perfect symbol of what I am not supposed to do. Put on make up and fake it to make the issues go away. I ain't conforming for anyone, it isn't about being as orange as I can (fun though it sometimes is!) but about being as orange as I am supposed to be. The blonde in strawberry blonde is there for a reason.
Best of both. Like hovis only not bread.
But no! What's happened now? I hear you ask. Is the style growing out, maybe I got a trim or a perm (wow that would not work at all)? I actually think that the shape is doing OK. I may or may not tidy it up when I get back to London but it seems to have lasted alright.
I have simply made an insightful observation based upon pre-existing features.
Before I got the chop and went for the "cut the crap and start again approach" to my hair. I was trying to bring it back to ginge (which, in case you didn't know due to repeated brainwashing of jealous people, is a wonderful colour akin to gold and totally cool) the artificial and "fast-tracked" way. That is through dye. The latest time I tried this, when my roots were already at least an inch long, they used an "organic permanent mix" instead of the usual semi as it would be better for the condition. Organic you say? Bring it on I say. BUT, you know what this means? The bit of root I had that ended up being the bulk of the short drastic 'starting again' haircut was actually dyed.
Which meant that I turned out to be more ginger than I actually am naturally.
Only fractionally, maybe a shade more orange, but it does notice in the right light (now my true true roots are coming through) and the overall effect is subtly but significantly brighter.
And this is where it gets clever see. I have been thinking about how maybe I have been being a bit "too" Christian of late. Like, it started out funny and it still is a lot of the time but I don't want to become someone that is all about generic identity and forgetting the fearfully and wonderfully made part.
Looking for your new identity in Christ can be hard, particularly when there are things in your old identity that are tied in with negative conotations. The temptation is to say these things I knew about me are wrong and I need to "find myself" again but you know what, Jesus has already found me. I once was lost but he left those 99 sheep to look for me and is now rejoicing over me with singing. Along with all the angels. I just need to take out the bits of debris that I picked up in the wilderness.
For example: I talk a lot. I mean a lot. There are good things in this. Some of my friends have really encouraged me with statements such as "I like it 'cause it means I don't have to" and it sure comes in handy with some people some of the time and certain types of in-your-face evangelism. But this verbosity has been a bit of point of tension for me, particularly recently since, delightful character trait though it is, it becomes hard to pretend that being "too much" is always other people's problem. I mean, you seldom hear people say that Russell Brand just isn't understood properly and should be put in charge of more things, do you?! Unless you hear it from me that is... "They just can't handle me" was not something that Paul said about mixing with both the Jews and Gentiles etc. So from this came the temptation to believe, based upon the times that I miss the mark, that I am actually just totally wrong in myself. I sure didn't want to live in denial of things I need to change.
The idea of refinement vs rejection of these qualities got a bit muddled up till I wasn't really sure where the old me and the new me changed over. I know I do get it wrong and have a tendency to sometimes speak compulsively and without due care and attention but I didn't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater and assassinating my whole unique character seemed a bit drastic. Confusing.
But the hair thing helps a lot.
As I see it, I am a hell of a lot closer to natural than platinum blonde was. In all the process of trying to force myself into God's identity for me I just got a bit carried away and over did it. But it is relatively small, it will not last forever and it isn't a bad bad match. In time the ends will become a smaller ratio of dyed to real and then, little by little, get trimmed away. (Mum, could you book me that appointment actually please!)
People that know me of late think I'm a bit off the wall; people that knew me before Switzerland think I have calmed down a lot; people that watched it happen... I don't really know what they think...! But somewhere in the middle of all this is a happy balance and I just need to peace out and let God make it happen. In time. As I wait patiently and don't try and force it 'cause actually that don't work. I am alright. I am not perfect. I am in the best possible hands.
When was in GVA and we did the gig (a prime time for God showing me insecurities I forgot I had) we dressed up in *quite* silly outfits. Both my other band members (which is why I am putting their pic up too! Share the responsibility...) wanted orange hair and I am game for most things. So we did this:
Which now screams to me to be the perfect symbol of what I am not supposed to do. Put on make up and fake it to make the issues go away. I ain't conforming for anyone, it isn't about being as orange as I can (fun though it sometimes is!) but about being as orange as I am supposed to be. The blonde in strawberry blonde is there for a reason.Best of both. Like hovis only not bread.
Bah Humbug
I am such a boring old fart. I've had it with Christmas parties. Everyone pretending it is going to be amazing when really it is just hyped up normal time but with people more uncomfortable, stressed, with silly expectations and sore feet. Don't get me wrong, all 4 of the ones I've been to so far have been enjoyable (went to a Ceilidh tonight!)... but it's hard work to keep merry for that long and I usually want to be at home curled up on the sofa with a cup of tea.
I really am old before my time. But it is difficult. I go to uni with people who are all at least 2 years younger than me and I already feel older than I am most of the time (I keep accidentally lying about my age). I hate being a student. I hate the stereotype and the funny hours and the lack of respect and the way people assume you like to stay up late and get wasted. I don't. I like to stay up late and write my blog and if I do drink alcohol I almost always want to fall asleep afterwards.
I still love learning. I have that to be thankful for. Today I had an exam worth 25% of my French unit and, while there are loads of things that weren't amazing and the listening was chronic, I was a bit prepared. And all because I did work! Which sounds pathetic and I don't want to self curse but I do find work very very hard to concentrate on. But today, in the space of about 5.5 hours I did I'd say at least 2.5 worth. Mixed up with chilling and eating and showering and playing the piano and all other good stuff. OK it sounds ridiculous but for me that was a miracle and a sign, a HUGE sign, that God is actually working in my life.
My second presentation last week was another one. The first I did before visiting La Suisse and I was grateful I managed to do anything (I had been so scared it wouldn't work out and I would lose all faith in God). The second one I genuinely believed that He would be there and He was. I remember saying to myself that this was not going to be fun but it was going to happen... and it did! And it went quite OK too - got a few laughs and that's what philosophy of maths is about afterall... I actually feel more faithful. I think.
What am I even talking about? There are two points me thinks. I am amazed and delighted that my work is starting to turn a corner. I am a boring Scrooge today that has lost her Christmas cheer and feels in limbo.
But I must remember what dear Jo said to me tonight. It was about my hair. She has wonderful long locks that I want badly but she said that sometimes she just wants to be short and choppy and crazy. That I need to get it out on my system now so that when I have it long I won't pine for the funky times. Transferring that to the analogy and fit it together with some of the other disconnected thoughts I've been having recently and I suppose one could say I need to live young, free and single while it lasts. Enjoy the journey, enjoy the crazy funky cool mystery that is not really knowing what is going on and be fresh while I still am (given that I am not actually physically that old comparatively and definitely not spiritually). I don't really know how much longer the hair will be short anyway. Could be weeks, could be years. Better make the most of it! Spike it up a bit and don't force the parting before it is really there...
I am just hoping I can do these things from the comfort of my own living room.
P.S. My blogging is off form at the moment. Sorry. Don't give up, I've got some good 'uns up my sleeve... Laters.
I really am old before my time. But it is difficult. I go to uni with people who are all at least 2 years younger than me and I already feel older than I am most of the time (I keep accidentally lying about my age). I hate being a student. I hate the stereotype and the funny hours and the lack of respect and the way people assume you like to stay up late and get wasted. I don't. I like to stay up late and write my blog and if I do drink alcohol I almost always want to fall asleep afterwards.
I still love learning. I have that to be thankful for. Today I had an exam worth 25% of my French unit and, while there are loads of things that weren't amazing and the listening was chronic, I was a bit prepared. And all because I did work! Which sounds pathetic and I don't want to self curse but I do find work very very hard to concentrate on. But today, in the space of about 5.5 hours I did I'd say at least 2.5 worth. Mixed up with chilling and eating and showering and playing the piano and all other good stuff. OK it sounds ridiculous but for me that was a miracle and a sign, a HUGE sign, that God is actually working in my life.
My second presentation last week was another one. The first I did before visiting La Suisse and I was grateful I managed to do anything (I had been so scared it wouldn't work out and I would lose all faith in God). The second one I genuinely believed that He would be there and He was. I remember saying to myself that this was not going to be fun but it was going to happen... and it did! And it went quite OK too - got a few laughs and that's what philosophy of maths is about afterall... I actually feel more faithful. I think.
What am I even talking about? There are two points me thinks. I am amazed and delighted that my work is starting to turn a corner. I am a boring Scrooge today that has lost her Christmas cheer and feels in limbo.
But I must remember what dear Jo said to me tonight. It was about my hair. She has wonderful long locks that I want badly but she said that sometimes she just wants to be short and choppy and crazy. That I need to get it out on my system now so that when I have it long I won't pine for the funky times. Transferring that to the analogy and fit it together with some of the other disconnected thoughts I've been having recently and I suppose one could say I need to live young, free and single while it lasts. Enjoy the journey, enjoy the crazy funky cool mystery that is not really knowing what is going on and be fresh while I still am (given that I am not actually physically that old comparatively and definitely not spiritually). I don't really know how much longer the hair will be short anyway. Could be weeks, could be years. Better make the most of it! Spike it up a bit and don't force the parting before it is really there...
I am just hoping I can do these things from the comfort of my own living room.
P.S. My blogging is off form at the moment. Sorry. Don't give up, I've got some good 'uns up my sleeve... Laters.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Passing Thoughts
People go on about secret sin. Does that mean if it's not secret it's OK? I feel like sometimes all we have to do to make it OK is confess it but people, it's still there! Some of my sin is worse when it's not secret 'cause it's obvious. Like, not being gracious. Stay between me and God: sort it out and say sorry; show/tell other people: cruel, bitchy and potentially astray leading. Plus, isn't telling people sometimes a bit like bragging? "Oh I feel so bad, I went out last night and pull these three amazing birds and now they all keep ringing me and I don't know how to tell them I'm not interested and I don't go out with non-Christians." Lol, no I don't know that person - but don't you want to judge them? Ah ha! Sin. Shit, I led you astray...
Also, I'm annoyed that the Christmas message has already gotten old on me. I've only been to my third carol service of the season and I am already done with it. How do you long timers last? I can see what C.S.Lewis meant when he talked about time being one of the greatest weapons of the enemy. When I got back to England I was sort of told by someone that I would calm down and reality would kick in. It was my biggest fear and my reaction was a total denial and refusal. Now what? Angel, mother, stable, baby, angels, shepherds, star, kings, escape. Ta da!
Don't be like me. Do pray for me (seriously if you're gonna then do it before Tuesday: I have an exam).
Sorry to be a grumpy! N'night x
Also, I'm annoyed that the Christmas message has already gotten old on me. I've only been to my third carol service of the season and I am already done with it. How do you long timers last? I can see what C.S.Lewis meant when he talked about time being one of the greatest weapons of the enemy. When I got back to England I was sort of told by someone that I would calm down and reality would kick in. It was my biggest fear and my reaction was a total denial and refusal. Now what? Angel, mother, stable, baby, angels, shepherds, star, kings, escape. Ta da!
Don't be like me. Do pray for me (seriously if you're gonna then do it before Tuesday: I have an exam).
Sorry to be a grumpy! N'night x
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Thinkin 'bout Angels
I was at a uni carol service on Friday and it was the first time this season that I've really heard the Christmas message. I went to another service at Bath Abbey last week which was a rather fabulous setting but I don't think there was much direct bible storyage... this one went through the birth, the shepherds and the wisemen - each with a bit of a "thought" afterward about how you would actually interpret this humanly. That is: teenage mum in a dark, dirty, smelly stable; shepherds all rough and scary and untrustworthy; the wisemen being, I don't remember but not a Christmas card stereotype. Two things that really came to mind:
1) Carols are not written in a good key. Bearing in mind the church wants to try and get people in at Christmas with the lure of a good singsong I really think they should drop them all by about a third.
2) I was thinkin about how Christmas looked from Heaven. Like, from the angels perspective. In particular this line I love that goes: "Heaven sings Hallelujah, Hallelujah the earth replies."
You look at the story of the shepherds too, with the whole host of angels telling the good news, and it makes you wonder what it was like up there that day.
I don't think about Heaven that much. I will one day but I've got enough to be getting on with for now, plus there's the fact that we can't really know what it will be like. It is kinda cool to sometimes sit and think about all the crazy shit there still is to come though... One thing is for sure, "when like stars His children crowned, all in white shall wait around" doesn't really say it. Hanging around waiting for something to happen whilst wearing a white dress? I don't think so.
What were the angels doing that day though? The real tangible angels that DO exist and are out there serving God on this very earth. Something along the lines of being SO excited that Jesus had come that they got to the point where they couldn't wait anymore, they had to tell someone, they had to sing about it! They had to pop down to earth find the first people they could that would respond (people that really needed this great glad tiding nonetheless) and shout for joy about how amazing it was. A human interpretation on the one hand looking at the dark and difficult side of the Christmas message, the way it was worldlyly so uncomfortable; an angelic interpretation on the other about how incredible and historic and totally indescribably amazing it is that THE SON OF GOD HIMSELF WHO IS ALSO GOD has come in human form to this earth to bring light and hope to all of mankind!!
They were making a cacophony (justifiably I do believe) and they weren't just about then. Everywhere they are there, rejoicing at our reconciliation, witnessing and cheering us on, protecting and delivering us. Not to mention the fighting of our spiritual battles, bringing messages from God, transporting people on their wings(!), worshipping alongside us... Really and truly actually there!
I really enjoyed reading 'The Screwtape Letters' when I was a bit nearer the start of this journey. I confess I didn't actually finish it as I gave it back to Miss Spitfire before I left and never got round to getting another copy, but I love how it brings the spiritual into the real world and makes you think about what is going one around us that we can't see. Jennifer Rees Larcombe has written a spectacular book which does something quite similar from an angel's perspective. It's title is 'An Angel Called Mervin'. I heard a section read out at my sister's church a while back and really wanted to get it - I found out C had a copy and she brought it round this week... I just started reading the prologue when I had to stop to write! I will totally transcribe the whole piece when I find it, it is that good, but for now this is something from the preface:
"I believe spiritual warfare is all about holy angels fighting fallen angels, but it is human faith which decides which side wins in each skirmish"
Yet again: prayer. Prayer is a powerful weapon. DO IT.
1) Carols are not written in a good key. Bearing in mind the church wants to try and get people in at Christmas with the lure of a good singsong I really think they should drop them all by about a third.
2) I was thinkin about how Christmas looked from Heaven. Like, from the angels perspective. In particular this line I love that goes: "Heaven sings Hallelujah, Hallelujah the earth replies."
You look at the story of the shepherds too, with the whole host of angels telling the good news, and it makes you wonder what it was like up there that day.
I don't think about Heaven that much. I will one day but I've got enough to be getting on with for now, plus there's the fact that we can't really know what it will be like. It is kinda cool to sometimes sit and think about all the crazy shit there still is to come though... One thing is for sure, "when like stars His children crowned, all in white shall wait around" doesn't really say it. Hanging around waiting for something to happen whilst wearing a white dress? I don't think so.
What were the angels doing that day though? The real tangible angels that DO exist and are out there serving God on this very earth. Something along the lines of being SO excited that Jesus had come that they got to the point where they couldn't wait anymore, they had to tell someone, they had to sing about it! They had to pop down to earth find the first people they could that would respond (people that really needed this great glad tiding nonetheless) and shout for joy about how amazing it was. A human interpretation on the one hand looking at the dark and difficult side of the Christmas message, the way it was worldlyly so uncomfortable; an angelic interpretation on the other about how incredible and historic and totally indescribably amazing it is that THE SON OF GOD HIMSELF WHO IS ALSO GOD has come in human form to this earth to bring light and hope to all of mankind!!
They were making a cacophony (justifiably I do believe) and they weren't just about then. Everywhere they are there, rejoicing at our reconciliation, witnessing and cheering us on, protecting and delivering us. Not to mention the fighting of our spiritual battles, bringing messages from God, transporting people on their wings(!), worshipping alongside us... Really and truly actually there!
I really enjoyed reading 'The Screwtape Letters' when I was a bit nearer the start of this journey. I confess I didn't actually finish it as I gave it back to Miss Spitfire before I left and never got round to getting another copy, but I love how it brings the spiritual into the real world and makes you think about what is going one around us that we can't see. Jennifer Rees Larcombe has written a spectacular book which does something quite similar from an angel's perspective. It's title is 'An Angel Called Mervin'. I heard a section read out at my sister's church a while back and really wanted to get it - I found out C had a copy and she brought it round this week... I just started reading the prologue when I had to stop to write! I will totally transcribe the whole piece when I find it, it is that good, but for now this is something from the preface:
"I believe spiritual warfare is all about holy angels fighting fallen angels, but it is human faith which decides which side wins in each skirmish"
Yet again: prayer. Prayer is a powerful weapon. DO IT.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
To Eat or not To Eat, that is the question...
Fasting: this is really good to do. I have had amazing success in fasting for the purpose of seeing breakthrough in prayer. I have had amazing connections with God and hearing His still small voice. I have also had absolutely awful experiences, some when my attitude has been wrong, some when it has been right and I don't know why.
I was fasting through Advent and treating it like a Lent period for me. I thought it was a really good idea. Thing is I am trying to pray for different people every day like and really want good cheer and hope to be spread through this season and be for life, not just for Christmas. So my advent calender is a list of 24 different people and I decided to do a fast until Christmas eve.
I especially thought it was a good idea given that Christmas is a season for lack of self-control and I notoriously have this (as I have shared before) and want to work on it in all areas of my life. So I figured showing discipline in eating is a good way to go about it and would bring me closer to God in this season and deal with something that sometimes gets in the way.
How is fasting for me? Some people say it is about being hungry so they remember to pray. I get that, I do it, but it isn't the main thing. I think the best way I understood fasting was that by not giving in to you fleshly demands of hunger you can somehow get out of this physical mindset and be in a place that can get closer to God by tapping into your spiritual side more. I know that's vague and feel free to correct or expand or whatever...
So anyway, when a friend was doing a lunch fast on the 1st December it just felt right to do it too. Then to carry it on till the 24th... Right?
The thing I hate about humanity is fickleness. How can we be so sure of what we want or what we think we have to do one minute and then the next be completely confused by how wrong it suddenly seems. I get so much comfort out of knowing that at least God gets me 'cause so much of the time I really don't!
First day it was great. Second day I was like, OK, there is a difference between enduring hunger and being too weak to concentrate on my studies. Plus I was not eating day time but getting to the evening and being really really hungry so having big dinners; and also thinking "I need energy for the day so I'll have a big breakfast". Which ended up looking like it had the potential to become a binge-starve-binge sandwich (or not!) and defo not what it was all about. I have a tendency to do things to extremes but I knew this was not good so I decided on day 3 that, though it had been really successful it was not prolong-able, and I would have a fast involving disciplined regular meals and being really strict with myself. Lol, you'll love this, I told my friend in an email:
"I am now doing a 'no snacking or seconds or unneccesarily eating etc' fast as it was starting to feel a bit legalistic."
Now, am I right or am I right that this statement epitomises legalism?!
No snacks, seconds, cake, treats, fun... friends, pleasures, comfort, central heating, nice clothes... hell I should just go live in a cave and pray.
That drove me mad. Suddenly I wasn't even sure when I was allowed to eat. I didn't know if my hunger was hunger or if it was seeking comfort or gratuitous pleasure in food. It felt like I was damned if I do and damned if I don't. I didn't think about it much till after I got my presentation finished on the 4th day [Thank God so much I got that done - it was pushed to the far edge of available time but my ability to eventually concentrate was nothing short of miraculous and it feels like God is growing my faith in such things by leaving me wholly dependent on Him to help me.] but then, suddenly, I was like "What now?". Can I have half an hour of peace, maybe a nice lunch, before I get into the discipline? Am I allowed a biscuit with my tea if I'm still hungry or is it only dry bread? Argggggghhhh! I was tired, I was stressed, nothing was right because legalism vs consumerism is not a pretty fight and so I went to bed till my sister came round after work. Granted I needed it after an early start and 5 hours straight of Philosophy of Maths (!) but going to sleep to avoid dilemmas is probably not what Jesus what have done.
So where am I now? Apart from extremely grateful that C could step up and be wise and supportive and helpful when I needed it? Living each day in God and not forcing a thing I suppose. Remembering that He said really clearly there is no condemnation. I suppose my rule (which is something I've heard and heard and heard and not absorbed then suddenly it just became real to me) for how to live an "extreme" (nay any) spiritual life is:
Only do what I want to do and learn to love God more so that my desires reflect His heart. Then it should all be easy.
Easy is as easy does. Anything's easy if He is our strength (some verses in Isaiah, 2 Corinthians, Matthew). I can't even have a cup of tea without.
I was fasting through Advent and treating it like a Lent period for me. I thought it was a really good idea. Thing is I am trying to pray for different people every day like and really want good cheer and hope to be spread through this season and be for life, not just for Christmas. So my advent calender is a list of 24 different people and I decided to do a fast until Christmas eve.
I especially thought it was a good idea given that Christmas is a season for lack of self-control and I notoriously have this (as I have shared before) and want to work on it in all areas of my life. So I figured showing discipline in eating is a good way to go about it and would bring me closer to God in this season and deal with something that sometimes gets in the way.
How is fasting for me? Some people say it is about being hungry so they remember to pray. I get that, I do it, but it isn't the main thing. I think the best way I understood fasting was that by not giving in to you fleshly demands of hunger you can somehow get out of this physical mindset and be in a place that can get closer to God by tapping into your spiritual side more. I know that's vague and feel free to correct or expand or whatever...
So anyway, when a friend was doing a lunch fast on the 1st December it just felt right to do it too. Then to carry it on till the 24th... Right?
The thing I hate about humanity is fickleness. How can we be so sure of what we want or what we think we have to do one minute and then the next be completely confused by how wrong it suddenly seems. I get so much comfort out of knowing that at least God gets me 'cause so much of the time I really don't!
First day it was great. Second day I was like, OK, there is a difference between enduring hunger and being too weak to concentrate on my studies. Plus I was not eating day time but getting to the evening and being really really hungry so having big dinners; and also thinking "I need energy for the day so I'll have a big breakfast". Which ended up looking like it had the potential to become a binge-starve-binge sandwich (or not!) and defo not what it was all about. I have a tendency to do things to extremes but I knew this was not good so I decided on day 3 that, though it had been really successful it was not prolong-able, and I would have a fast involving disciplined regular meals and being really strict with myself. Lol, you'll love this, I told my friend in an email:
"I am now doing a 'no snacking or seconds or unneccesarily eating etc' fast as it was starting to feel a bit legalistic."
Now, am I right or am I right that this statement epitomises legalism?!
No snacks, seconds, cake, treats, fun... friends, pleasures, comfort, central heating, nice clothes... hell I should just go live in a cave and pray.
That drove me mad. Suddenly I wasn't even sure when I was allowed to eat. I didn't know if my hunger was hunger or if it was seeking comfort or gratuitous pleasure in food. It felt like I was damned if I do and damned if I don't. I didn't think about it much till after I got my presentation finished on the 4th day [Thank God so much I got that done - it was pushed to the far edge of available time but my ability to eventually concentrate was nothing short of miraculous and it feels like God is growing my faith in such things by leaving me wholly dependent on Him to help me.] but then, suddenly, I was like "What now?". Can I have half an hour of peace, maybe a nice lunch, before I get into the discipline? Am I allowed a biscuit with my tea if I'm still hungry or is it only dry bread? Argggggghhhh! I was tired, I was stressed, nothing was right because legalism vs consumerism is not a pretty fight and so I went to bed till my sister came round after work. Granted I needed it after an early start and 5 hours straight of Philosophy of Maths (!) but going to sleep to avoid dilemmas is probably not what Jesus what have done.
So where am I now? Apart from extremely grateful that C could step up and be wise and supportive and helpful when I needed it? Living each day in God and not forcing a thing I suppose. Remembering that He said really clearly there is no condemnation. I suppose my rule (which is something I've heard and heard and heard and not absorbed then suddenly it just became real to me) for how to live an "extreme" (nay any) spiritual life is:
Only do what I want to do and learn to love God more so that my desires reflect His heart. Then it should all be easy.
Easy is as easy does. Anything's easy if He is our strength (some verses in Isaiah, 2 Corinthians, Matthew). I can't even have a cup of tea without.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Live Repentance feat. Analogy
I don't know what to blog about! I have lots of things I could do - both trivial and non - but I don't know which one to choose. I feel like writing about what is most recent given that would be the freshest "off the press" story and some of the others can go on hold easily... But there are even so many recent things to distill.
Had a great morning full of answers to prayer to do with work and hugely augmented faith as a result. Bit of a crash in the middle which I am putting down to Satan being so annoyed at earlier victory but with a great boost from a very well-timed sister! Amazing evening with my girlies which would take a lot of background info but was very inspired and boosting and wonderful... and then there was the drive home.
Not much has happened since I got in the door so I suppose that is the most recent thing.
I have a car. It is a bit of a luxury as a student. Especially given how safe and functional it is! I know I talk about environment and consumerism but I think that this car is OK and, selfishness aside, I will try and justify it. I see it very much as a gift from God and as such try and use it for other people where possible. Not in a "wow I'm holy way" but you know the bible says for those that use their gifts more is given and for those that don't they will be taken away - I figure if I give people lifts I may get my VW camper and if I don't I may have to take the bus. It's a nobrainer! Anyway. I have recently been able to do this a lot. It's cold and dark and there has been a bit of prowler around Brizzle but in that I have been picking up and dropping off girls and, well, I suppose letting God use me to protect them. I love it! So I was thanking him for this tonight when I took my friends home and it led me onto the story of how I got Valerie (the car). Which made me realise in turn some things that I probably needed to repent of! You can be my witnesses.
When I passed my test, back in the summer of '06, I didn't think I'd get a car. Then a friend of a friend was getting rid of their's and offered it my way. Even that was a God thing (not just 'cause they were a Christian) as it really did bless me tons and gave me a sense of freedom and security at a time when I was a bit unsettled and very not free. In honour of the Christianess of the gift I called the car Eli. It was defo a boy and I thought it was a cool name. Well then, a short way into the first term of the next academic year I had a little accident. First POI (point of impetus!): forgive and let go of blame in that - the person who did not indicate, the person who pissed me off before I got in the car, myself for being a numpty. CHECK. I still drove Eli for ages unrepaired, irresponsibly I suppose but the indicator worked - just. I'm sorry for that too - doesn't really show much love does it. When I got home at Christmas, the last day of term in fact (driving on the M25 to be specific) it finally gave up. I get home and I could not go right without waving an arm. Pretty cool stuff that it lasted till then exactly so thanks God!
It was a clear write-off. A car that cost a penny for legalistic ownership sakes was really not worth replacing the whole front and side of. Rubbish. Or not... here's a cunning tip for you kids: if you want a car get one that is cheap and dangerous, put all your brothers and sisters and their spouses in it, go visit the parents, then drive off in the dark with the bonnet making a noise as it scrape along the ground. This happened in the middle of the term and... well... long story short there was an early 21st present waiting for me back home!
The short story long is that they had been so distressed by this scenario that they decided I had to have a new car and it had to be before my birthday (in April) so it would come at Christmas. They chose it carefully and were going to surprise me with it in the new year just before I drove back but seeing my car at a new level of atrocity they ended up telling me straight away. I couldn't get it till the end of the hols 'cause one of the reasons they acted early was so it could first be used by this lovely missionary couple we know that visit England every Christmas back from their project in Uganda.
Well, needless to say I was delighted! Of course they were welcome to the car for now, I was the luckiest girl already. My wheels now had a roll cage! More than than even (important though it is I'm sure) it had a radio controlled lock and CD player!! OK, the crunch time was that it was a Nissan Micra new style... the girliest middle age car ever made and with a weird face at the front. The funny thing about this was that my parents had bought one 6 months prior (which is why they knew it was good) and at the time I had told them not to 'cause I hated them! Lol, that is so them not to remember, how endearing - I was so excited it didn't really matter.
'Cept when there is a though of negativity, even a little bit, there tends to be a build up of frustration in relationships. We say things are OK and push on trying to make it so, telling ourselves that we are bad for feeling, well ingratitude for example. Meanwhile it boils beneath the surface unless you deal with it or it erupts. Forcing loving ain't possible - it needs to come from God or it won't be lasting and for that we need to confess and ask him to help.
I can see you looking shocked that I ever had a problem, even for a minute, with this situation. What can I say - I told you I'm not holy. Spoiled brat comes to mind right...? Well, I agree. I'm all about exposing the past crap and the lies that bring us to that place and you know what, as I told this story to my car full of friends I realised that some of it just never got officially addressed. People at my church talk about "doing business with God" which makes me cringe but it does kinda have a point too. I often find myself saying "I'll do it later" and I realise that sometimes I find it hard to make time and concentrate and bring these things before Him. Well maybe that "another day" attitude is something that we get from Satan trying to stop us dealing with things that we'd benefit "settling up the account" over. So I'm doing it now, live as it were (!) to make sure I don't let that happen.
What happened then? Well Mum and Dad aren't hearing this for the first time - they did eventually bear the fall out of these pent up thoughts. Sorry 'bout that by the way - I'll ring you and do it properly, but sorry. I needed a bit of practise before the motorway trip so I took their Nissan for spin round Sainsbury's car park and it was then that I had a bit of a stress. The thing is Eli (who was a Mazda LX 121) had this really big square back window with visibility to die for (or not!) and I could park easily and see to the left and right and all kinds of good stuff like that. Check him out:
Suddenly a modern car with side bars and rounded design and safely features just didn't do it at all - I could not drive this car. It wasn't right for me; it wasn't 'me'. I panicked, I stressed, I let all the pent up frustrations ever get to me and God wasn't there to dispell that with his love, or heal any insecurities or damages. So I vented. Big time. I've always been a tell-it-like-it-is-girl but I used to be a lot less loving in that and I suppose for all these things I am really sorry too and need to say it - and accept forgiveness too.
At the time though it just came out. That they hadn't checked with me 'cause they wanted to do this for their friends and my input didn't count, they went for a car I told them I didn't like and didn't even care enough to remember that, they didn't actually care about me at all it was just "doing the right thing" and getting rid of potential guilt, their Christian motives came before their parental ones (always a killer for kids of Christians, ask any shrink!), they chose a car they didn't represent me at all - that wasn't anger so much as me being upset that I had to let go of Eli, retro and cool with a red and grey striped interior, boxy shape and tape player on which I listened to all the old Now's; then replace it with a modern girly-but-not-in-a-good-way boring car that made me a grown up before I was ready. I felt like I was missing the window on being a studenty fun cheap car'd chick who could paint patterns and what not. This was it. A few months of that was all I got. A mum-mobile before I was a mum that would last so long I'd be one by then and it would be too late to be cool.
I don't say this 'cause I want to make my folks feel bad. I acknowledge that it was totally not a valid reaction and most people would be shocked that I said this in response to a car given freely and lovingly out of a genuine care for safety and happiness. There was an oversight of not consulting me but it is just as much sweet that they wanted to surprise me and t'was my own "issues" that made this stuff come up, not their mistakes. Deep rooted ones that are put there by the enemy to upset us and drive wedges between people and hide away so we can't identify them. We were talking today about things from when we're young that we then need to deal with as adults. Happens to us all. Which is the point - one lady shared about her friend who had to forgive her mum for neglecting them as kids because she spent all her energies guarding them from an abusive father. It's hardly wrong and the frustrating thing is that were she to have not done that her daughter would be forgiving her for having not guarded them from an abusive father. It seems like a lose-lose situation.
The truth it, pobody is nerfect (I know, I'm sorry). In any relationship (and parents are just the obvious ones 'cause they are so early on and so key) things go wrong 'cause of the fallen human nature. When we grow up, or just move on, we need to take responsibility for this and learn to deal with it by letting God and his love sort out our problems. There was Adam and he brought in the shite but Jesus came to take it back out so really let's get over the inevitable flaws, forgiving ourselves and each other, so we can receive His perfection.
Our relationship with Him is based upon what we have modeled to us and if we can't get past the errors that will inevitably be there we won't be able to have a whole relationship with Him.
The funny thing too is that Valerie just is me now! Even named after a song that reminds me of me ("I miss your ginger hair and the way you like to dress" - what's that you say...? Narcissistic?). I was rebelling and not feeling ready for maturity but I was and it came and now, well, I am loving her and her electric windows and reliability and security and all that jazz. I like being warm when I drive along and having comfortable suspension! I love that God gave me a car and how, right since I got back, it has come in really handy for so many people. I still wouldn't say no a a VW one day but my identity is in Him and not in my transportation. Though I did just use my car as an analogy for my new life so in a way I suppose my identity is in my transportation... Oh it's late, I'm allowed to make no sense! Going back to the analogy briefly: dangerous wreck that nearly got me seriously injured - loving parent gave me a brand new wonderful safe and fitting vehicle that meets my needs and has far more value... Love it!
I love my car. I love my parents. I love my God. I love leaving old identities behind and coming into new ones. I smirk that my last post was about wanting to not be über-Christian but I still write about this before I share cabbage recipes... Oh well. Some things there just ain't no denying... You've such amazing grace :-)
N.B. The last line quotes an 80's power ballad called 'The Power of Love' but I figure noone will get that unnoitified.
Had a great morning full of answers to prayer to do with work and hugely augmented faith as a result. Bit of a crash in the middle which I am putting down to Satan being so annoyed at earlier victory but with a great boost from a very well-timed sister! Amazing evening with my girlies which would take a lot of background info but was very inspired and boosting and wonderful... and then there was the drive home.
Not much has happened since I got in the door so I suppose that is the most recent thing.
I have a car. It is a bit of a luxury as a student. Especially given how safe and functional it is! I know I talk about environment and consumerism but I think that this car is OK and, selfishness aside, I will try and justify it. I see it very much as a gift from God and as such try and use it for other people where possible. Not in a "wow I'm holy way" but you know the bible says for those that use their gifts more is given and for those that don't they will be taken away - I figure if I give people lifts I may get my VW camper and if I don't I may have to take the bus. It's a nobrainer! Anyway. I have recently been able to do this a lot. It's cold and dark and there has been a bit of prowler around Brizzle but in that I have been picking up and dropping off girls and, well, I suppose letting God use me to protect them. I love it! So I was thanking him for this tonight when I took my friends home and it led me onto the story of how I got Valerie (the car). Which made me realise in turn some things that I probably needed to repent of! You can be my witnesses.
When I passed my test, back in the summer of '06, I didn't think I'd get a car. Then a friend of a friend was getting rid of their's and offered it my way. Even that was a God thing (not just 'cause they were a Christian) as it really did bless me tons and gave me a sense of freedom and security at a time when I was a bit unsettled and very not free. In honour of the Christianess of the gift I called the car Eli. It was defo a boy and I thought it was a cool name. Well then, a short way into the first term of the next academic year I had a little accident. First POI (point of impetus!): forgive and let go of blame in that - the person who did not indicate, the person who pissed me off before I got in the car, myself for being a numpty. CHECK. I still drove Eli for ages unrepaired, irresponsibly I suppose but the indicator worked - just. I'm sorry for that too - doesn't really show much love does it. When I got home at Christmas, the last day of term in fact (driving on the M25 to be specific) it finally gave up. I get home and I could not go right without waving an arm. Pretty cool stuff that it lasted till then exactly so thanks God!
It was a clear write-off. A car that cost a penny for legalistic ownership sakes was really not worth replacing the whole front and side of. Rubbish. Or not... here's a cunning tip for you kids: if you want a car get one that is cheap and dangerous, put all your brothers and sisters and their spouses in it, go visit the parents, then drive off in the dark with the bonnet making a noise as it scrape along the ground. This happened in the middle of the term and... well... long story short there was an early 21st present waiting for me back home!
The short story long is that they had been so distressed by this scenario that they decided I had to have a new car and it had to be before my birthday (in April) so it would come at Christmas. They chose it carefully and were going to surprise me with it in the new year just before I drove back but seeing my car at a new level of atrocity they ended up telling me straight away. I couldn't get it till the end of the hols 'cause one of the reasons they acted early was so it could first be used by this lovely missionary couple we know that visit England every Christmas back from their project in Uganda.
Well, needless to say I was delighted! Of course they were welcome to the car for now, I was the luckiest girl already. My wheels now had a roll cage! More than than even (important though it is I'm sure) it had a radio controlled lock and CD player!! OK, the crunch time was that it was a Nissan Micra new style... the girliest middle age car ever made and with a weird face at the front. The funny thing about this was that my parents had bought one 6 months prior (which is why they knew it was good) and at the time I had told them not to 'cause I hated them! Lol, that is so them not to remember, how endearing - I was so excited it didn't really matter.
'Cept when there is a though of negativity, even a little bit, there tends to be a build up of frustration in relationships. We say things are OK and push on trying to make it so, telling ourselves that we are bad for feeling, well ingratitude for example. Meanwhile it boils beneath the surface unless you deal with it or it erupts. Forcing loving ain't possible - it needs to come from God or it won't be lasting and for that we need to confess and ask him to help.
I can see you looking shocked that I ever had a problem, even for a minute, with this situation. What can I say - I told you I'm not holy. Spoiled brat comes to mind right...? Well, I agree. I'm all about exposing the past crap and the lies that bring us to that place and you know what, as I told this story to my car full of friends I realised that some of it just never got officially addressed. People at my church talk about "doing business with God" which makes me cringe but it does kinda have a point too. I often find myself saying "I'll do it later" and I realise that sometimes I find it hard to make time and concentrate and bring these things before Him. Well maybe that "another day" attitude is something that we get from Satan trying to stop us dealing with things that we'd benefit "settling up the account" over. So I'm doing it now, live as it were (!) to make sure I don't let that happen.
What happened then? Well Mum and Dad aren't hearing this for the first time - they did eventually bear the fall out of these pent up thoughts. Sorry 'bout that by the way - I'll ring you and do it properly, but sorry. I needed a bit of practise before the motorway trip so I took their Nissan for spin round Sainsbury's car park and it was then that I had a bit of a stress. The thing is Eli (who was a Mazda LX 121) had this really big square back window with visibility to die for (or not!) and I could park easily and see to the left and right and all kinds of good stuff like that. Check him out:
Suddenly a modern car with side bars and rounded design and safely features just didn't do it at all - I could not drive this car. It wasn't right for me; it wasn't 'me'. I panicked, I stressed, I let all the pent up frustrations ever get to me and God wasn't there to dispell that with his love, or heal any insecurities or damages. So I vented. Big time. I've always been a tell-it-like-it-is-girl but I used to be a lot less loving in that and I suppose for all these things I am really sorry too and need to say it - and accept forgiveness too.
At the time though it just came out. That they hadn't checked with me 'cause they wanted to do this for their friends and my input didn't count, they went for a car I told them I didn't like and didn't even care enough to remember that, they didn't actually care about me at all it was just "doing the right thing" and getting rid of potential guilt, their Christian motives came before their parental ones (always a killer for kids of Christians, ask any shrink!), they chose a car they didn't represent me at all - that wasn't anger so much as me being upset that I had to let go of Eli, retro and cool with a red and grey striped interior, boxy shape and tape player on which I listened to all the old Now's; then replace it with a modern girly-but-not-in-a-good-way boring car that made me a grown up before I was ready. I felt like I was missing the window on being a studenty fun cheap car'd chick who could paint patterns and what not. This was it. A few months of that was all I got. A mum-mobile before I was a mum that would last so long I'd be one by then and it would be too late to be cool.
I don't say this 'cause I want to make my folks feel bad. I acknowledge that it was totally not a valid reaction and most people would be shocked that I said this in response to a car given freely and lovingly out of a genuine care for safety and happiness. There was an oversight of not consulting me but it is just as much sweet that they wanted to surprise me and t'was my own "issues" that made this stuff come up, not their mistakes. Deep rooted ones that are put there by the enemy to upset us and drive wedges between people and hide away so we can't identify them. We were talking today about things from when we're young that we then need to deal with as adults. Happens to us all. Which is the point - one lady shared about her friend who had to forgive her mum for neglecting them as kids because she spent all her energies guarding them from an abusive father. It's hardly wrong and the frustrating thing is that were she to have not done that her daughter would be forgiving her for having not guarded them from an abusive father. It seems like a lose-lose situation.
The truth it, pobody is nerfect (I know, I'm sorry). In any relationship (and parents are just the obvious ones 'cause they are so early on and so key) things go wrong 'cause of the fallen human nature. When we grow up, or just move on, we need to take responsibility for this and learn to deal with it by letting God and his love sort out our problems. There was Adam and he brought in the shite but Jesus came to take it back out so really let's get over the inevitable flaws, forgiving ourselves and each other, so we can receive His perfection.
Our relationship with Him is based upon what we have modeled to us and if we can't get past the errors that will inevitably be there we won't be able to have a whole relationship with Him.
The funny thing too is that Valerie just is me now! Even named after a song that reminds me of me ("I miss your ginger hair and the way you like to dress" - what's that you say...? Narcissistic?). I was rebelling and not feeling ready for maturity but I was and it came and now, well, I am loving her and her electric windows and reliability and security and all that jazz. I like being warm when I drive along and having comfortable suspension! I love that God gave me a car and how, right since I got back, it has come in really handy for so many people. I still wouldn't say no a a VW one day but my identity is in Him and not in my transportation. Though I did just use my car as an analogy for my new life so in a way I suppose my identity is in my transportation... Oh it's late, I'm allowed to make no sense! Going back to the analogy briefly: dangerous wreck that nearly got me seriously injured - loving parent gave me a brand new wonderful safe and fitting vehicle that meets my needs and has far more value... Love it!
I love my car. I love my parents. I love my God. I love leaving old identities behind and coming into new ones. I smirk that my last post was about wanting to not be über-Christian but I still write about this before I share cabbage recipes... Oh well. Some things there just ain't no denying... You've such amazing grace :-)
N.B. The last line quotes an 80's power ballad called 'The Power of Love' but I figure noone will get that unnoitified.
2,000
That's a lot of visits! Well, it's obviously interval dependent but it's still a nice sounding big number! I'd like to thank my parents, for their unceasing interest in my life; my sister for logging in a few times a day to make me look popular and generally being really encouraging; Darryl for humouring me and giving me the prod to start with; Ms Spitfire for loads (though I'm going to do that with a sulky face given she doesn't seem to be around very much right now :-S); British Nathan for being so affirming early on; Lizzie for being so affirming recently; anyone that has ever commented really; my "followers" (oh I have noticed the number grew to plural and then some!); all you people who visit a normal amount :-P; anyone that typed in a song lyric and by chance found me (it still counts as a hit!)... Ummm, and I think that might be it. If you don't fit into those formal catergories then the jury is out on whether you can have a proper class - it may compromise the hierarchy of sets but, to hell with it, have your own collection and I'll thank you too!
I am a pretty different person since I started writing. I think that I have changed a lot since my first counted visitor (I actually added the counter on the eve on my B so I know that have changed a lot) but it's not all been for good. Lots of God - Yay! A bit too much Christianity - *sharp intake of breath*. I of course mean by the world's definitions and not the biblical one. Words are what you make them people - semantics are everything. As I saw once on a random wall in Vienna just at the right moment:
"Don't try to be an apple if you're a banana, you'll only be a second rate apple."
I have almost definitely overcompensated at times - I can be a bit of an all or nothing girl. Made in the image of Christ not generic Christian. It's funny to joke about but less funny to become.
We'll talk about that another time. I've used enough words, I'm off to watch Neighbours!
I am a pretty different person since I started writing. I think that I have changed a lot since my first counted visitor (I actually added the counter on the eve on my B so I know that have changed a lot) but it's not all been for good. Lots of God - Yay! A bit too much Christianity - *sharp intake of breath*. I of course mean by the world's definitions and not the biblical one. Words are what you make them people - semantics are everything. As I saw once on a random wall in Vienna just at the right moment:
"Don't try to be an apple if you're a banana, you'll only be a second rate apple."
I have almost definitely overcompensated at times - I can be a bit of an all or nothing girl. Made in the image of Christ not generic Christian. It's funny to joke about but less funny to become.
We'll talk about that another time. I've used enough words, I'm off to watch Neighbours!
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Someone Else's Words
I haven't really got much to say about politics. I try to think about them but I am still forming thoughts a lot so I feel like I don't really want to comment. Which is quite ironic given how much I love to opinionate about other things... I suppose I believe that the God stuff is at least based in some way upon something unchanging and true whereas really and truly I don't know what government is based upon. No, wait, that's not true:
The government is upon His shoulders.
Crap. I've started talking and what I want to say is not at all what I have ended up saying. The above verse gives me a lot of faith in society and how we run the world. Not necessarily in the actual but certainly in potentia. The bible not only tells us to submit to those in authority but also to pray for them and I find that exciting as I think a) How people are intrinsically made in the image of God so why can't we achieve leadership that is at least a semblance of Godly? and b) Prayer works so Duh let's do it and know that things can change where they need to ('cause I'm sure not saying that every authority in this world right now is getting things right).
One specific localised (to London) political issue that is long past (in the time frame of politics) but still very pertinent (as is true with all major news stories that come out blazing then get shoved aside in the boringness of truth) is to do with when someone I actually have a very formulated opinion on in government got shot down. Not JFK stylee, I'm talking 'bout his reputation. You may not even know him or the story but a very incredible man named Ray Lewis, who's vision for young people has actually made a difference and has the potential to do moreso (and I have worked with him so I know), was made a deputy mayor of London. It was fabulous, he has amazing things to contribute in sorting out some really bad messes, given half the chance (not just to do with the link below, that's just a part of his vision). Then it all went bad and in my humble opinion he was left to fend off, by himself, the pack of wolves that is the media while Boris Johnson - disreputed for bigger and far more recent mistakes but equipped with the right PR - didn't support someone that could have made (and I trust still will go on to make) some mighty changes in this country.
I just got sent this link: you should read it. Gives me hope.
I have hope to know that there is going to be a resurrection of this man, fallible yet Christ seeking is his heart and totally spirit filled. Hope that we as individuals and as a church can see renewal in situations that humanly speaking one may dismiss as defeat. Hope to remember to pray for our leaders and to know that we CAN see a change in our nation(s) - some would use the Obama example, I don't know enough about politics to be confidant with that (apparently I broke some law of the internet by not blogging about the election but better late than never...). Hope to make a difference on the BIG scale as well as the small; whilst also having hope in the reminder of the small and significant changes (think about where that kid has come from and where he is now going).
Looks like the crazy extra thought I had does actually fit with where I was going after all. And I have got some things to say about politics. Seriously though, read the link. I was impressed.
The government is upon His shoulders.
Crap. I've started talking and what I want to say is not at all what I have ended up saying. The above verse gives me a lot of faith in society and how we run the world. Not necessarily in the actual but certainly in potentia. The bible not only tells us to submit to those in authority but also to pray for them and I find that exciting as I think a) How people are intrinsically made in the image of God so why can't we achieve leadership that is at least a semblance of Godly? and b) Prayer works so Duh let's do it and know that things can change where they need to ('cause I'm sure not saying that every authority in this world right now is getting things right).
One specific localised (to London) political issue that is long past (in the time frame of politics) but still very pertinent (as is true with all major news stories that come out blazing then get shoved aside in the boringness of truth) is to do with when someone I actually have a very formulated opinion on in government got shot down. Not JFK stylee, I'm talking 'bout his reputation. You may not even know him or the story but a very incredible man named Ray Lewis, who's vision for young people has actually made a difference and has the potential to do moreso (and I have worked with him so I know), was made a deputy mayor of London. It was fabulous, he has amazing things to contribute in sorting out some really bad messes, given half the chance (not just to do with the link below, that's just a part of his vision). Then it all went bad and in my humble opinion he was left to fend off, by himself, the pack of wolves that is the media while Boris Johnson - disreputed for bigger and far more recent mistakes but equipped with the right PR - didn't support someone that could have made (and I trust still will go on to make) some mighty changes in this country.
I just got sent this link: you should read it. Gives me hope.
I have hope to know that there is going to be a resurrection of this man, fallible yet Christ seeking is his heart and totally spirit filled. Hope that we as individuals and as a church can see renewal in situations that humanly speaking one may dismiss as defeat. Hope to remember to pray for our leaders and to know that we CAN see a change in our nation(s) - some would use the Obama example, I don't know enough about politics to be confidant with that (apparently I broke some law of the internet by not blogging about the election but better late than never...). Hope to make a difference on the BIG scale as well as the small; whilst also having hope in the reminder of the small and significant changes (think about where that kid has come from and where he is now going).
Looks like the crazy extra thought I had does actually fit with where I was going after all. And I have got some things to say about politics. Seriously though, read the link. I was impressed.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
BGB gets an (admittedly small) "overhaul"
I've been trying to edit features on my blog. Thus far I still can't find out how to have just the first bit of a post showing (been trying to do that for months but to no avail, if anyone can help...) BUT I did just discover a 'reaction' option which I do believe is new. Oooooh! So I have tried it out and in honour of the incredibly evangelical and by the way totally awesome sermon I just heard given by this guy that is the chaplain to the Queen and in fabulous irony is also an Indian missionary to Europe, I have labelled the options thus: "Amen" or "Woah sister...". I think they're pretty self explanatory but incase you don't know these roughly translate as "I agree with vehemency" or "Hang on a second I don't like what you're saying and in particular it may or may not be theologically unsound, sister". There is no middle ground. I figure if you don't have a strong reaction either way you probably don't want/deserve to express it. Also, by the way, if you do have a reaction remember you can always comment... I know you're reading, the numbers are creeping up. I don't always have to be the only one talking!
So now you have it, the lazy person's way to respond. If you feel there is need for another reaction option then write it in the comments and I may well oblige...
So now you have it, the lazy person's way to respond. If you feel there is need for another reaction option then write it in the comments and I may well oblige...
SIN
The dirty word.
We all talk about it, we all do it (well I think so) and in a lot of the circles I move we all feel bad about it (eventually anyway)...
But what is it?
It could be easy to say that at some point in the church's history the human element took over and tried to control the world, money, politics etc by the power of guilt. In a sense this is fairly true. I've been getting involved with Agapé a bit this term. One of my flatmates before I lived in GVA worked for them and when I got back it suddenly fitted incredibly well with, well, with me. I have this darling friend who works for them called Grace and she took me out last week evangelising with her...! Yes, it is as mental as it sounds. Basically, three times a week they make a point of each going out into coffee shops and approaching people to talk to them about God. They get all kinds of reactions but one of the main aims is to ensure that they themselves stay a bit out of their comfort zone... I loved it. Well, I mean the scariness of "the approach" aside I really enjoy talking to strangers and having something to do it about is pretty fun (as long as I'm not feeling insecure 'cause obviously the coin would be somewhat flipped then). What is my point with this? Other than how good a Christian I am...? We spoke for over an hour to 4 student girls who all basically think that the church judges too harshly, that the pope is crap (I'm not going to start an interdenominational riot - Satan would bloody love that), that Christianity condemns them for things they really don't see as bad and that it just isn't right that people who don't commit horrific crimes should go to hell. The postulated idea was to have an atheists room for anyone that missed the point with God but weren't evil.
And I found myself apologising for the way they have percieved Christ. Taking some kind of responsibility for Christianity that got it wrong, were corrupt, didn't make it clear and allowed this to become a common view in culture today. Even this afternoon I was thinking about how sad it is that one of my "jobs" as a Christian is to try and undo the damage that "The Church" has done in it's past.
But you know what? I am fed up of this. I don't want to keep apologising for how "We" got it wrong. Human error aside, pure corruption acknowledged, the vast amount of Christians over history have been very sincere and were acting within their own social context. Why should I stress about people feeling condemned when they are??
Yes. This is my judgement post. You think I've been bad before, you ain't seen nothing yet. All over the world Christian's and non-alike (I am sad to confess) are being really really rubbish. Then, to top it all off, they are pretending that it is OK. THEN, just because it isn't bad enough they turn around to the laws of God and the people that try and follow them and have a go for condemnation.
WE DESERVE CONDEMNATION.
Think about it. If God is this purely loving being that wants to see the whole world alight with joy and fullfillment in him then you tell me that even just in your own personal relationships you treat the people you care about with proper love all the time and never slag them off or get annoyed or act selfishly or anything like that... you would be lying. We don't even have to call it God, we can see it as the "goodness in humanity" or some "power" or "greater force". I know TONS of people that think 'friends and family' are the thing that life is about. That is, Relationships. That is, Love. Well, for me that is what I call God. Yet anyone that sees life as having purpose greater than physical wealth still messes up in the pursuits of these "important" things.
Then of course there is the bigger picture. Beyond selfish behaviour and broken relationships we live in a consumer driven lifestyle that is destroying the planet and the most vulnerable people on it. Be it high street shops that use all-too-cheap cheap labour in India to unfairly traded chocolate that uses child slaves that have been stolen or bought on the Cote d'Ivoire. There's been a recent campaign which involves having fondue parties to raise awareness of this issues, I went to my third last night(!) and it takes this much to force me to change one thing on a list of hundreds I do that don't love this planet and these people like I theoretically want to. And I am begrudging as I have to give up Oreos. AND my first reaction was that it is a marketing ploy to sell more "Fairtrade" products. I am a BAD person.
Not one of us is guilt free.
Not one of us can justifying saying to the most perfect source of life and love on this planet (whoever He/She/They/It may be) that we deserve to go to a room for mediocre people because we didn't really see what we do wrong up close and personal and it wasn't that extreme. There is no ratio between 0-bad and a-little-bit-bad. If you had to fit into one category and the choice was perfect or imperfect which would you be?
I think it's high time we stopped telling people that the church doesn't condemn them. I personally condemn each and every member of society and think it's high time they stopped the apathy and started condemning themselves.
Maybe then people will GET why Jesus is so bloody important.
We all talk about it, we all do it (well I think so) and in a lot of the circles I move we all feel bad about it (eventually anyway)...
But what is it?
It could be easy to say that at some point in the church's history the human element took over and tried to control the world, money, politics etc by the power of guilt. In a sense this is fairly true. I've been getting involved with Agapé a bit this term. One of my flatmates before I lived in GVA worked for them and when I got back it suddenly fitted incredibly well with, well, with me. I have this darling friend who works for them called Grace and she took me out last week evangelising with her...! Yes, it is as mental as it sounds. Basically, three times a week they make a point of each going out into coffee shops and approaching people to talk to them about God. They get all kinds of reactions but one of the main aims is to ensure that they themselves stay a bit out of their comfort zone... I loved it. Well, I mean the scariness of "the approach" aside I really enjoy talking to strangers and having something to do it about is pretty fun (as long as I'm not feeling insecure 'cause obviously the coin would be somewhat flipped then). What is my point with this? Other than how good a Christian I am...? We spoke for over an hour to 4 student girls who all basically think that the church judges too harshly, that the pope is crap (I'm not going to start an interdenominational riot - Satan would bloody love that), that Christianity condemns them for things they really don't see as bad and that it just isn't right that people who don't commit horrific crimes should go to hell. The postulated idea was to have an atheists room for anyone that missed the point with God but weren't evil.
And I found myself apologising for the way they have percieved Christ. Taking some kind of responsibility for Christianity that got it wrong, were corrupt, didn't make it clear and allowed this to become a common view in culture today. Even this afternoon I was thinking about how sad it is that one of my "jobs" as a Christian is to try and undo the damage that "The Church" has done in it's past.
But you know what? I am fed up of this. I don't want to keep apologising for how "We" got it wrong. Human error aside, pure corruption acknowledged, the vast amount of Christians over history have been very sincere and were acting within their own social context. Why should I stress about people feeling condemned when they are??
Yes. This is my judgement post. You think I've been bad before, you ain't seen nothing yet. All over the world Christian's and non-alike (I am sad to confess) are being really really rubbish. Then, to top it all off, they are pretending that it is OK. THEN, just because it isn't bad enough they turn around to the laws of God and the people that try and follow them and have a go for condemnation.
WE DESERVE CONDEMNATION.
Think about it. If God is this purely loving being that wants to see the whole world alight with joy and fullfillment in him then you tell me that even just in your own personal relationships you treat the people you care about with proper love all the time and never slag them off or get annoyed or act selfishly or anything like that... you would be lying. We don't even have to call it God, we can see it as the "goodness in humanity" or some "power" or "greater force". I know TONS of people that think 'friends and family' are the thing that life is about. That is, Relationships. That is, Love. Well, for me that is what I call God. Yet anyone that sees life as having purpose greater than physical wealth still messes up in the pursuits of these "important" things.
Then of course there is the bigger picture. Beyond selfish behaviour and broken relationships we live in a consumer driven lifestyle that is destroying the planet and the most vulnerable people on it. Be it high street shops that use all-too-cheap cheap labour in India to unfairly traded chocolate that uses child slaves that have been stolen or bought on the Cote d'Ivoire. There's been a recent campaign which involves having fondue parties to raise awareness of this issues, I went to my third last night(!) and it takes this much to force me to change one thing on a list of hundreds I do that don't love this planet and these people like I theoretically want to. And I am begrudging as I have to give up Oreos. AND my first reaction was that it is a marketing ploy to sell more "Fairtrade" products. I am a BAD person.
Not one of us is guilt free.
Not one of us can justifying saying to the most perfect source of life and love on this planet (whoever He/She/They/It may be) that we deserve to go to a room for mediocre people because we didn't really see what we do wrong up close and personal and it wasn't that extreme. There is no ratio between 0-bad and a-little-bit-bad. If you had to fit into one category and the choice was perfect or imperfect which would you be?
I think it's high time we stopped telling people that the church doesn't condemn them. I personally condemn each and every member of society and think it's high time they stopped the apathy and started condemning themselves.
Maybe then people will GET why Jesus is so bloody important.
Crazy Little Thing Called Love
I just had a lovely girly night out. Day in fact. I spent the afternoon at the Christmas market in Bath with a friend from Geneva who now lives in South UK (which is great!) and then came back for a chocolate party with "my ladies" and other friends. SO great. It was buy nothing day but I decided that legalism loses to relationship any time and so went shopping. Consumerism is my pet hate but it totally doesn't win over love :o)
Then I went out with this wonderful chick named Whitney. She is from Toronto!! I love having Canadian friends, I am so used to them now it would suck if I didn't know any. We were going out to party with her friend for his bday but we had one of those moments where, like, it was totally, just, impossibly rubbish. You know? Got in a taxi across Bris (wearing heels and also on rapist alert) and so that cost like £8 to find out that they were about to head back across town to go to a club that, I kid you not, we got into the taxi in front of.
Now, I might fool you as a clubbing girl but to be honest I am too lazy. I like to dance but I don't like to be out tired when there is a journey ahead of me and I could have been in bed already. It's quite a sad confession. I had gotten all excited but then when it came down to it I was not that cool. My feet were hurting, I didn't know anybody and we had just wasted money to be in this uncomfortable place. I nearly panicked. I lie, I had a full minute and a half where I wanted to cry over the obvious mistake. Why didn't I assert against this? Then, in my place of prayer and repentance (possible unnecessary use of word there) God made things OK. I decided we weren't going to go - I have to sing at church in the morning anyway and there was no way that the way to correct a mistake is to keep persevering at it! But we were already on Gloucester Road so we made the most of it: went for a drink together and then picked up chips (from the best chippy in Bristol) on the way home! And lo, God made something good out of it... Thank you :-)
So, what's all this about love in the title? Well, the thing is that when girls get together, I can't lie, we talk about boys. We don't ONLY talk about boys but it does have a tendency to come up. If you have one, if you want one, if you don't have one, if you don't want one...! It doesn't stop being interesting. All day it had been somehow or other on the agenda and so I come home thinking about how I feel about them. Which is mixed.
As I have shared before, I have had a bit of a tendency to be in a dependent place with men. Seeing them as an easy fix for the love that we are all programmed to desire but should be finding in God. This would be an all too simple way to describe my relationship problems. Now I don't think I am worse that other people but today I want to address the common theme of conversation and share some thoughts (albeit it in a convoluted manner), which are quite the opposite of previous assertions. I don't just struggle with too much want of relationships... oh no, in keeping with the popular theme of "complicated" too often it is all about the not wanting them enough...
We are talking about fear of commitment. Or maybe not commitment but affection. Or a mixture of all kinds of scary tings. I wrote a poem t'other day that says it a lot better so I will now copy that in:
So many people are afraid of love
Afraid to feel love
Afraid to be loved
Afraid to not feel love
Afraid to not be loved
Why are we afraid?
Fear: There to protect us
A response to something more powerful than us
We fear God because he is Awesome
God is love
Is that why we fear love?
The theory: That when we fear God we need not fear anything else
Though there are many things more powerful than me there are none more powerful than He
But that does not make me think that when I fear it is always right and good
I often fear when I should not
‘Tis not my vulnerability but independency that stops me being worry free
Love
So beautiful yet so fierce
There is every chance it will destroy one heart… two… more?
We have a reaction that tells us fight or flight in the face of danger
So tell me, is that why we run and just ignore?
A threat
Keep it far away and not live to regret
A broken heart just cannot be worth the risk of it
Love
Descended from God
Corrupted for sure but in essence Oh so pure
This fear must be a lie
Born out of brokenness and all set up to make us miss what God has in store
A damaged heart is always going to be a risk when we are gambling with love less perfect than His
But remember who is in charge
The only one to fear, the reason you are here, the restorer of the broken heart
Mine will not be destroyed ‘cause God is on guard
My point? I am pretentious. More seriously, that both these extremes are negative. I have been all too down on relationships in the past I confess (eg) but at the same time I realise that they are a great example of God's love for us (read these lyrics and tell me they aren't divinely inspired) when used correctly. There is no way that God wants us to avoid dependency in relationships, romantic or otherwise, this is just another lot of deception to discover.
What is the application to life? I don't know! My hair's not long enough anyway... It's just gossip over red wine and chocolate fondue. I need to go to bed now... x
Then I went out with this wonderful chick named Whitney. She is from Toronto!! I love having Canadian friends, I am so used to them now it would suck if I didn't know any. We were going out to party with her friend for his bday but we had one of those moments where, like, it was totally, just, impossibly rubbish. You know? Got in a taxi across Bris (wearing heels and also on rapist alert) and so that cost like £8 to find out that they were about to head back across town to go to a club that, I kid you not, we got into the taxi in front of.
Now, I might fool you as a clubbing girl but to be honest I am too lazy. I like to dance but I don't like to be out tired when there is a journey ahead of me and I could have been in bed already. It's quite a sad confession. I had gotten all excited but then when it came down to it I was not that cool. My feet were hurting, I didn't know anybody and we had just wasted money to be in this uncomfortable place. I nearly panicked. I lie, I had a full minute and a half where I wanted to cry over the obvious mistake. Why didn't I assert against this? Then, in my place of prayer and repentance (possible unnecessary use of word there) God made things OK. I decided we weren't going to go - I have to sing at church in the morning anyway and there was no way that the way to correct a mistake is to keep persevering at it! But we were already on Gloucester Road so we made the most of it: went for a drink together and then picked up chips (from the best chippy in Bristol) on the way home! And lo, God made something good out of it... Thank you :-)
So, what's all this about love in the title? Well, the thing is that when girls get together, I can't lie, we talk about boys. We don't ONLY talk about boys but it does have a tendency to come up. If you have one, if you want one, if you don't have one, if you don't want one...! It doesn't stop being interesting. All day it had been somehow or other on the agenda and so I come home thinking about how I feel about them. Which is mixed.
As I have shared before, I have had a bit of a tendency to be in a dependent place with men. Seeing them as an easy fix for the love that we are all programmed to desire but should be finding in God. This would be an all too simple way to describe my relationship problems. Now I don't think I am worse that other people but today I want to address the common theme of conversation and share some thoughts (albeit it in a convoluted manner), which are quite the opposite of previous assertions. I don't just struggle with too much want of relationships... oh no, in keeping with the popular theme of "complicated" too often it is all about the not wanting them enough...
We are talking about fear of commitment. Or maybe not commitment but affection. Or a mixture of all kinds of scary tings. I wrote a poem t'other day that says it a lot better so I will now copy that in:
So many people are afraid of love
Afraid to feel love
Afraid to be loved
Afraid to not feel love
Afraid to not be loved
Why are we afraid?
Fear: There to protect us
A response to something more powerful than us
We fear God because he is Awesome
God is love
Is that why we fear love?
The theory: That when we fear God we need not fear anything else
Though there are many things more powerful than me there are none more powerful than He
But that does not make me think that when I fear it is always right and good
I often fear when I should not
‘Tis not my vulnerability but independency that stops me being worry free
Love
So beautiful yet so fierce
There is every chance it will destroy one heart… two… more?
We have a reaction that tells us fight or flight in the face of danger
So tell me, is that why we run and just ignore?
A threat
Keep it far away and not live to regret
A broken heart just cannot be worth the risk of it
Love
Descended from God
Corrupted for sure but in essence Oh so pure
This fear must be a lie
Born out of brokenness and all set up to make us miss what God has in store
A damaged heart is always going to be a risk when we are gambling with love less perfect than His
But remember who is in charge
The only one to fear, the reason you are here, the restorer of the broken heart
Mine will not be destroyed ‘cause God is on guard
My point? I am pretentious. More seriously, that both these extremes are negative. I have been all too down on relationships in the past I confess (eg) but at the same time I realise that they are a great example of God's love for us (read these lyrics and tell me they aren't divinely inspired) when used correctly. There is no way that God wants us to avoid dependency in relationships, romantic or otherwise, this is just another lot of deception to discover.
What is the application to life? I don't know! My hair's not long enough anyway... It's just gossip over red wine and chocolate fondue. I need to go to bed now... x
Thursday, November 27, 2008
A Discovery of Deception
I was just now thinking about what it is that's so hard about struggles. Life struggles, faith struggles, dealing with personal issues or just being motivated to live in all fullness. Just anything hard really.
And I discovered a LIE! You know one of those things that you just think without realising that it is a load of bollocks.
When I get demotivated, which is quite a lot actually, it feels like I am wasting life. I know I am doing wrong when I seek comfort in bad places (I've tried quite a few in my time and though my vices are less these days there are still plenty of things that get me, some more that others. Like blocking out reality by going on line, or comfort eating...) and generally don't live up to God's perfect ideal. Which really sucks.
Then of course enters the knowledge that I really need to sort out my self discipline. It is biblical and good (especially for managing time which is of utmost importance to me and also something that Mrs P31, my inspiration, did). It gives one self control instead of letting worldly things take over. Fasting is SUCH a good example, it can bring me out of a fleshly plane and helps me focus on the spiritual realm a bit more.
But something was going majorly wrong.
I've been a bit run down spiritually, going up'n'down in a mostly usual way but it has been growing slowly more negative as the low moments are becoming longer. I often put this kind of thing down to when God is doing cool stuff in and/or through me and the debil does not like it. Makes sense of late, life is pretty intense and exciting on many fronts...
So I have been really fixated on the goal of self-control as being my key to unlocking this depression. Like, getting out of bed on time, eating sensibly, setting goals for work and other such targets. All the stuff that I know works, is biblically sound and therapistically too come to think of it. Forming a habit and then inhabiting the form (Don'tcha love that?).
But I missed the point entire and I think that perhaps this kinda stems from the fact that I looked at the psychology and having noted that it's *like* the bible followed it instead; forgetting that the bible is the first truth and how things that looks like it are a semblance or a shadow of the truth. Likely to break down in their validity at some point, as they forget about my omnipotent God.
'Cause the thing that makes no sense is that when the moment is at it's most crucial - where every decision is hardest and the easiest things to do become huge goals; going to a lecture is a day's worth of achievement and getting a coursework actually completed and handed in on time feels like it should last a week; having a single positive thought feels like you have won some prize but the balance can tip in an instant - that is when I am supposed to exert self-control. It's already impressive to be disciplined when life is hunky dorey and I make the choice to get up before 9, wash, read, go to uni, pray, be slightly organised and tidy and make the most of most of my time. To then put my emotions at the other end of the scale where getting up at all becomes an achievement and turning up late to a seminar feels like I deserve a first class degree and THEN say I need to train myself into positive habits... Now THAT really is akin to getting a camel - a very miserable and stubborn camel - out of a big pit of mirey clay and telling it to understand Second Order Logic.
Duh. This isn't Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I am not supposed to be "training" myself to do anything.
I've just seen that what I've been trying to do is akin to using Will Power and thus living in my own strength. By sneakily disguising it under the name self-control which we all know is a good thing Satan can bring in an incredible amount of pain to a struggle that is supposed to be easy to bear. That verse in 2 Peter, "make every effort..." doesn't mean you "try on your own". We cannot do these things by own own strength. This self-control that helps us live a Godly life, it is one of the fruits of the Spirit and it is funny how utterly subtly I just forgot that these are given to us and not something we work for. We must desire it but we do not have to DO a single thing to receive it.
Those who hope in the Lord WILL renew their strength and rise up on wings like eagles.
I hope so I will. I don't will to have hope.
And I discovered a LIE! You know one of those things that you just think without realising that it is a load of bollocks.
When I get demotivated, which is quite a lot actually, it feels like I am wasting life. I know I am doing wrong when I seek comfort in bad places (I've tried quite a few in my time and though my vices are less these days there are still plenty of things that get me, some more that others. Like blocking out reality by going on line, or comfort eating...) and generally don't live up to God's perfect ideal. Which really sucks.
Then of course enters the knowledge that I really need to sort out my self discipline. It is biblical and good (especially for managing time which is of utmost importance to me and also something that Mrs P31, my inspiration, did). It gives one self control instead of letting worldly things take over. Fasting is SUCH a good example, it can bring me out of a fleshly plane and helps me focus on the spiritual realm a bit more.
But something was going majorly wrong.
I've been a bit run down spiritually, going up'n'down in a mostly usual way but it has been growing slowly more negative as the low moments are becoming longer. I often put this kind of thing down to when God is doing cool stuff in and/or through me and the debil does not like it. Makes sense of late, life is pretty intense and exciting on many fronts...
So I have been really fixated on the goal of self-control as being my key to unlocking this depression. Like, getting out of bed on time, eating sensibly, setting goals for work and other such targets. All the stuff that I know works, is biblically sound and therapistically too come to think of it. Forming a habit and then inhabiting the form (Don'tcha love that?).
But I missed the point entire and I think that perhaps this kinda stems from the fact that I looked at the psychology and having noted that it's *like* the bible followed it instead; forgetting that the bible is the first truth and how things that looks like it are a semblance or a shadow of the truth. Likely to break down in their validity at some point, as they forget about my omnipotent God.
'Cause the thing that makes no sense is that when the moment is at it's most crucial - where every decision is hardest and the easiest things to do become huge goals; going to a lecture is a day's worth of achievement and getting a coursework actually completed and handed in on time feels like it should last a week; having a single positive thought feels like you have won some prize but the balance can tip in an instant - that is when I am supposed to exert self-control. It's already impressive to be disciplined when life is hunky dorey and I make the choice to get up before 9, wash, read, go to uni, pray, be slightly organised and tidy and make the most of most of my time. To then put my emotions at the other end of the scale where getting up at all becomes an achievement and turning up late to a seminar feels like I deserve a first class degree and THEN say I need to train myself into positive habits... Now THAT really is akin to getting a camel - a very miserable and stubborn camel - out of a big pit of mirey clay and telling it to understand Second Order Logic.
Duh. This isn't Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I am not supposed to be "training" myself to do anything.
I've just seen that what I've been trying to do is akin to using Will Power and thus living in my own strength. By sneakily disguising it under the name self-control which we all know is a good thing Satan can bring in an incredible amount of pain to a struggle that is supposed to be easy to bear. That verse in 2 Peter, "make every effort..." doesn't mean you "try on your own". We cannot do these things by own own strength. This self-control that helps us live a Godly life, it is one of the fruits of the Spirit and it is funny how utterly subtly I just forgot that these are given to us and not something we work for. We must desire it but we do not have to DO a single thing to receive it.
Those who hope in the Lord WILL renew their strength and rise up on wings like eagles.
I hope so I will. I don't will to have hope.
Yo, Lizzie!
This is a note for my very dear friend Lizzie who is diligently reading my whole life (abridged) AKA BGB and is somewhere in July as we speak. I don't know when you'll get here but when you do: HI! Thanks for getting this far and thanks for caring...
It's funny. She came over today and was all "I know so much about you now!" I hadn't realised but I suppose that's true - there's a lot that's built up over the past 7 months (by the way this is babygotbrit's 7 month birthday today... it's older than me!) and actually some people may well know me a lot better than I know them as a result, which I never really thought about.
Bit strange that. Lizzie came round today and told me some of her stuff. I kinda enjoyed that two way interaction... it's not like I bite!
That said, no I'm not going to stop writing. But I do realise that, much as I joke, my blog is not a sufficient relationship in my life. Good thing God is teaching me all about community... more ont that when I get the time...
It's funny. She came over today and was all "I know so much about you now!" I hadn't realised but I suppose that's true - there's a lot that's built up over the past 7 months (by the way this is babygotbrit's 7 month birthday today... it's older than me!) and actually some people may well know me a lot better than I know them as a result, which I never really thought about.
Bit strange that. Lizzie came round today and told me some of her stuff. I kinda enjoyed that two way interaction... it's not like I bite!
That said, no I'm not going to stop writing. But I do realise that, much as I joke, my blog is not a sufficient relationship in my life. Good thing God is teaching me all about community... more ont that when I get the time...
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
WWF
I love pandas. I love laughing. I saw this on the wall of a student house last week and had to find it. Enjoy:
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
This is going to be a Christmas to remember
I am so excited about Christmas. Starbucks menu started weeks ago and the first taste I had of Christmas cake was magical. Now I feel like I am ready to start my own personal official Christmas season…
For this is my first real Christmas. The first one when I can know the joy of my dear Saviour’s birth – ‘cause now He is that. Where a nativity scene makes me go actually wow and I don’t think about consumerism or any of that crap but truly have a different priority (despite the Starbuck’s reference!). I’m going to have a Christmas that is all about what it’s supposed to be…
Except, really there isn’t a biblical model for Christmas is there? No-one from the New Testament went around on the 31st December (or any other date) saying let’s keep Christmas about the important things. There is no guidance on how to be a Christian at Christmas and, especially given the fact that it was first based upon a pagan holiday, one might suggest the best way to be is to take down the tree and carry on as normal. Or at least break with the world traditions and any habits that aren’t strictly “kosher”.
But I like the tree. And I love buying presents for people (get me I’m already four up and have a whole month to go! That is organisation…). Jingle Bells do make me rock and I have been listening to Christmas music for a while now with no shame whatsoever. Sparkly lights and port by the fire, could you want for more? Can’t wait for the open air ice rink so I can get out my skates from Geneva and I LOVE a good Christmas classic on the telly. The way I see it there is no set formula for Christmas cheer and I am not giving up my crackers and baubles on a whim.
I am going to be intentional though. Starting today it is Christmas season and I want to spread joy and good cheer too all mankind. Wishing peace, showing love, delighting in the good things of life. Really this is just all things that being a Christian is kinda about and I don’t want to limit it to seasonality so I’m going to kick start it now but the plan is that the attitude of Christmas remains around a long time after the tree comes down.
Talking of which, it goes up today (and is Hot Pink!). ‘Tis the first year in my own home and I am excited to be starting my own traditions… which include decorations going up a month before to enjoy the season all the longer and also because it will be my half birthday every year. That’s right, 6 months since the B and going strong!
There are some really wonderful ideals for Christmas that do go beyond the cheesy superficial overcommercialised notions. But honestly, they aren’t just great ideas every now and then are they? In the same way dog is for life not just for Christmas I don’t really get why we would limit hope, peace, good will, love, generosity, joy, celebration and (maybe) talking about Jesus to once a year. The one thing I would say is perhaps we need to add in to the mix self-control…
Bring on Christmas with all your manmade glitz and idealism. Man gets a lot of things right too and it can be all too easy to focus on the bad things. Made in the image of our creator I reckon this is the season to share these good things and I don’t want to slag off something which values loads of good things too. It is a shame “They” have taken the Christ out of Christmas and that people call in the “winter holidays” instead but that does not mean we can’t enjoy being people together and sharing the love of our kindredness.
For this is my first real Christmas. The first one when I can know the joy of my dear Saviour’s birth – ‘cause now He is that. Where a nativity scene makes me go actually wow and I don’t think about consumerism or any of that crap but truly have a different priority (despite the Starbuck’s reference!). I’m going to have a Christmas that is all about what it’s supposed to be…
Except, really there isn’t a biblical model for Christmas is there? No-one from the New Testament went around on the 31st December (or any other date) saying let’s keep Christmas about the important things. There is no guidance on how to be a Christian at Christmas and, especially given the fact that it was first based upon a pagan holiday, one might suggest the best way to be is to take down the tree and carry on as normal. Or at least break with the world traditions and any habits that aren’t strictly “kosher”.
But I like the tree. And I love buying presents for people (get me I’m already four up and have a whole month to go! That is organisation…). Jingle Bells do make me rock and I have been listening to Christmas music for a while now with no shame whatsoever. Sparkly lights and port by the fire, could you want for more? Can’t wait for the open air ice rink so I can get out my skates from Geneva and I LOVE a good Christmas classic on the telly. The way I see it there is no set formula for Christmas cheer and I am not giving up my crackers and baubles on a whim.
I am going to be intentional though. Starting today it is Christmas season and I want to spread joy and good cheer too all mankind. Wishing peace, showing love, delighting in the good things of life. Really this is just all things that being a Christian is kinda about and I don’t want to limit it to seasonality so I’m going to kick start it now but the plan is that the attitude of Christmas remains around a long time after the tree comes down.
Talking of which, it goes up today (and is Hot Pink!). ‘Tis the first year in my own home and I am excited to be starting my own traditions… which include decorations going up a month before to enjoy the season all the longer and also because it will be my half birthday every year. That’s right, 6 months since the B and going strong!
There are some really wonderful ideals for Christmas that do go beyond the cheesy superficial overcommercialised notions. But honestly, they aren’t just great ideas every now and then are they? In the same way dog is for life not just for Christmas I don’t really get why we would limit hope, peace, good will, love, generosity, joy, celebration and (maybe) talking about Jesus to once a year. The one thing I would say is perhaps we need to add in to the mix self-control…
Bring on Christmas with all your manmade glitz and idealism. Man gets a lot of things right too and it can be all too easy to focus on the bad things. Made in the image of our creator I reckon this is the season to share these good things and I don’t want to slag off something which values loads of good things too. It is a shame “They” have taken the Christ out of Christmas and that people call in the “winter holidays” instead but that does not mean we can’t enjoy being people together and sharing the love of our kindredness.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometime
It's definitely wrong to make three posts in one night... but I've not been blogging in ages... I don't reckon I will for a while... and I think I may have just had one of those really tangibly "deep" moments. This post is going to be working things out as I go and who knows if it will make it to the publishing stage. Whatever happens, it will probably be real... and narcissistic.
I just watched "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". That is a cue for anyone that doesn't find this film meaningful to stop reading now. I had never seen it, I knew it was a classic, the story sounded interesting indeed but I think that I avoided it because I could not deal with the concept of forgetting. I am, as I may have mentioned, a hoarder. Of all things, tangible and existential. I've been facing up to this challenge of late and the timing was perfect.
'Cause recently I have been doing some active forgetting. Recently as in this past year since God starting changing my life, these past 3 months since I got back to England, these past few weeks as I've been facing some residual memories, these last few days as I've had to challenge all of the above. The imagery is a big boulder that He smashed to pieces with His love and the revelation thereof but now He is going around picking out the bits of gravel - and some of them are pretty wedged in.
I threw out a bag of "stuff" last week which was neat. Took it with me from London to Bristol to deal with but couldn't face getting it out the car till then. Nothing specifically dodge but I needed to let it go for memories sake. I'm pretty sure that when I go back at Christmas there will be a whole lot more of that to do and so I'm getting ready...
Last night (late Friday) I had a conversation I shouldn't have about a person I don't know anymore. You know, when you can tell you are in an unhealthy discussion and that there is a lot of potential for badness but you are tired, hurting and frankly too stupid to know better. I was challenged on my memories and came away not sure what I recall as fact and fiction - problem with saying things best unsaid is that you end up hearing things best unheard. Let's call a spade a spade, I'd "erased" someone from my life and sometimes they do just creep back in.
The risk of being someone with a past (i.e. anyone) that can't be wiped clear whether you want to, don't want to or sometimes want to, is that it stays around. Even when we are sanctified by the blood of Jesus; even when we have forgiven, are guilt free and looking ahead; our brains have an uncanny way of wanting to defy all the best intentions in the world. I know that it is a decision I must make to move forward. It's a decision I have already made without any doubt in my mind, yet it is a decision I must continue to keep making. Still, having a piece of history based around love - which is what we seem to base our most significant things around - is messy 'cause it mixes up good stuff with not good stuff and leaves the two so tangled you can end up throwing the baby out with the bathwater.
We shouldn't say goodbye to love but we must learn to extract it back for ourselves and put it to better use somewhere else. I don't want to leave my heart in a memory then try and erase the memory but equally I don't want to carry the crap around with me.
The thing that really struck me was that the minute before I watched the film I read a poem (have been trawling the labyrinth of my files, hence the sudden splurge of them) and I had opened one I did not recognise then forgotten so that it popped up when I was closing programs. It's from last October and isn't very positive: all about stuff going wrong really...
What comes before a fall?
“They” say pride.
The inevitable fall out of a conceited heart
Just desserts on every part
What comes before a fall?
I say hope.
The inevitable fall out of an expectant heart
Just surviving alone in the dark
What is it that makes a fail?
Pushing resources beyond the mark
With pacing yourself and working hard
Success will entail, set you apart
What is it that makes me fail?
Trying for something I cannot live out?
Or speaking the words that make it go south?
Having an attitude full of doubt
How to avoid the spiraling doom?
Cannot expect for risk of defeat
Instead, telling forth, I sow what I reap.
When what we believe is the key to our curse
With each emphasis it gets worse and worse
Can the pattern be broken?
One thing’s for sure
Writing this verse isn’t the cure
I just love that it is about self-curses which is effectively what we put in place when we hold onto our broken memories and give them power in our lives. I suppose the point is a reminder that we need to break the patterns. Not be moping over the defeat or the fall or anything else that is going to drag us down but by letting the memory be where it is, in the past. God doesn't want to give us a hope and a past now does He? Jesus came to make all things new.
So don't tell me that that film is all about the need to remember things you sometimes want to forget. It is about dealing with memories properly. Not running away but also not deciding that they are all there is to the truth. We are/should be changing all the time into what we don't fully know but memories can only tell us about the past, not the future.
"What a loss to spend that much time with someone, only to find out she’s a stranger." The fear of letting go is that we have wasted time but ironically the more we hold onto it the more we waste. There's gonna be no junk in heaven anyway so why have it here on earth? It's funny, you get warned about storing up your treasures on earth but sometimes we are storing up far worse things.
Change your heart, look around you. Change your heart, it will astound you. Parting theme tune, parting theme. Goodnight.
I just watched "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". That is a cue for anyone that doesn't find this film meaningful to stop reading now. I had never seen it, I knew it was a classic, the story sounded interesting indeed but I think that I avoided it because I could not deal with the concept of forgetting. I am, as I may have mentioned, a hoarder. Of all things, tangible and existential. I've been facing up to this challenge of late and the timing was perfect.
'Cause recently I have been doing some active forgetting. Recently as in this past year since God starting changing my life, these past 3 months since I got back to England, these past few weeks as I've been facing some residual memories, these last few days as I've had to challenge all of the above. The imagery is a big boulder that He smashed to pieces with His love and the revelation thereof but now He is going around picking out the bits of gravel - and some of them are pretty wedged in.
I threw out a bag of "stuff" last week which was neat. Took it with me from London to Bristol to deal with but couldn't face getting it out the car till then. Nothing specifically dodge but I needed to let it go for memories sake. I'm pretty sure that when I go back at Christmas there will be a whole lot more of that to do and so I'm getting ready...
Last night (late Friday) I had a conversation I shouldn't have about a person I don't know anymore. You know, when you can tell you are in an unhealthy discussion and that there is a lot of potential for badness but you are tired, hurting and frankly too stupid to know better. I was challenged on my memories and came away not sure what I recall as fact and fiction - problem with saying things best unsaid is that you end up hearing things best unheard. Let's call a spade a spade, I'd "erased" someone from my life and sometimes they do just creep back in.
The risk of being someone with a past (i.e. anyone) that can't be wiped clear whether you want to, don't want to or sometimes want to, is that it stays around. Even when we are sanctified by the blood of Jesus; even when we have forgiven, are guilt free and looking ahead; our brains have an uncanny way of wanting to defy all the best intentions in the world. I know that it is a decision I must make to move forward. It's a decision I have already made without any doubt in my mind, yet it is a decision I must continue to keep making. Still, having a piece of history based around love - which is what we seem to base our most significant things around - is messy 'cause it mixes up good stuff with not good stuff and leaves the two so tangled you can end up throwing the baby out with the bathwater.
We shouldn't say goodbye to love but we must learn to extract it back for ourselves and put it to better use somewhere else. I don't want to leave my heart in a memory then try and erase the memory but equally I don't want to carry the crap around with me.
The thing that really struck me was that the minute before I watched the film I read a poem (have been trawling the labyrinth of my files, hence the sudden splurge of them) and I had opened one I did not recognise then forgotten so that it popped up when I was closing programs. It's from last October and isn't very positive: all about stuff going wrong really...
What comes before a fall?
“They” say pride.
The inevitable fall out of a conceited heart
Just desserts on every part
What comes before a fall?
I say hope.
The inevitable fall out of an expectant heart
Just surviving alone in the dark
What is it that makes a fail?
Pushing resources beyond the mark
With pacing yourself and working hard
Success will entail, set you apart
What is it that makes me fail?
Trying for something I cannot live out?
Or speaking the words that make it go south?
Having an attitude full of doubt
How to avoid the spiraling doom?
Cannot expect for risk of defeat
Instead, telling forth, I sow what I reap.
When what we believe is the key to our curse
With each emphasis it gets worse and worse
Can the pattern be broken?
One thing’s for sure
Writing this verse isn’t the cure
I just love that it is about self-curses which is effectively what we put in place when we hold onto our broken memories and give them power in our lives. I suppose the point is a reminder that we need to break the patterns. Not be moping over the defeat or the fall or anything else that is going to drag us down but by letting the memory be where it is, in the past. God doesn't want to give us a hope and a past now does He? Jesus came to make all things new.
So don't tell me that that film is all about the need to remember things you sometimes want to forget. It is about dealing with memories properly. Not running away but also not deciding that they are all there is to the truth. We are/should be changing all the time into what we don't fully know but memories can only tell us about the past, not the future.
"What a loss to spend that much time with someone, only to find out she’s a stranger." The fear of letting go is that we have wasted time but ironically the more we hold onto it the more we waste. There's gonna be no junk in heaven anyway so why have it here on earth? It's funny, you get warned about storing up your treasures on earth but sometimes we are storing up far worse things.
Change your heart, look around you. Change your heart, it will astound you. Parting theme tune, parting theme. Goodnight.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Unnamed Poem
I found this poem I wrote a coupla weeks ago. Kinda at this point when I was a) sitting in Starbucks struggling to get any work done, and b) questioning how sincere I felt about the call to "reach" people as something other than academically discernible. Which is something I touched upon in my last post I think. So I kinda started thinking about what it's like to not have Jesus and I'm not being condescending here, I can remember. I don't suppose it feels the same for everyone but I guess what I'm saying is that this is a valid account for at least one person. Thus follows the as-yet-unnamed poem (Aside: after I wrote it I managed to get quite a lot of work done which was cool):
You’re living a life from hell
Ideals designed to keep you down
In the dark, cold, lonely place
Terrified look on your face
Never enough
These thoughts from the depths
Keep you there daily
A struggle to find truth
Joy quashed by bitter faded dreams
Life is not what you thought it should be
You have made your bed, clearly see the road ahead
Garish lamps light the way
Down
Deceive yourself what you know well
Can’t conceive of going to hell
But yet, there you are now
What is it like to live in fear?
Hating everything, even those near
Even you
Pushing through
The gloom
When lighter shadows are the best you can get
In between the dark regret
A moment that seems what life is about
Till once again the lights go out
I am there
Watching
It hurts so bad to see you sad
I cannot bear to know that you do not know I care
What to do?
How can I get through the cloud you choose?
Though you do not realise the alternative
There is more than this
This is not it.
The pain
To know I love in vain
That in a moment all hope will be lost
The choice will be taken, eternity to pay the cost
I cannot cope with the idea
I must do something
Loud
Drastic
That lasts across the years
Are you listening?
I LOVE YOU
I’ll come right now and tell you
Why do you not want to hear such truth?
The best news yet fear conquers all
I’ll shout louder
You’ll fight harder
Do you not know this hurts me so?
I am your biggest fan
Yet you always look to man
I’ll show you
A picture speaks a thousand words
The ultimate visual aid
Our pain, demonstrated, in My Father’s name
Watch me reel
Writhing
The worst you know before your eyes
Plus what you cannot see inside
This is how it felt to see you suffer my child.
The lights go out
As the world acknowledges what has gone down in this place
The King of all in such disgrace
All so you can my know His grace
The son rises
And the sun rises
Chasing the shadows away
Having born all the grief from all your deeds
You are free to greet the day!
I suffered because I love you
See that it is true
And EVERYTHING you know will be made new…
You’re living a life from hell
Ideals designed to keep you down
In the dark, cold, lonely place
Terrified look on your face
Never enough
These thoughts from the depths
Keep you there daily
A struggle to find truth
Joy quashed by bitter faded dreams
Life is not what you thought it should be
You have made your bed, clearly see the road ahead
Garish lamps light the way
Down
Deceive yourself what you know well
Can’t conceive of going to hell
But yet, there you are now
What is it like to live in fear?
Hating everything, even those near
Even you
Pushing through
The gloom
When lighter shadows are the best you can get
In between the dark regret
A moment that seems what life is about
Till once again the lights go out
I am there
Watching
It hurts so bad to see you sad
I cannot bear to know that you do not know I care
What to do?
How can I get through the cloud you choose?
Though you do not realise the alternative
There is more than this
This is not it.
The pain
To know I love in vain
That in a moment all hope will be lost
The choice will be taken, eternity to pay the cost
I cannot cope with the idea
I must do something
Loud
Drastic
That lasts across the years
Are you listening?
I LOVE YOU
I’ll come right now and tell you
Why do you not want to hear such truth?
The best news yet fear conquers all
I’ll shout louder
You’ll fight harder
Do you not know this hurts me so?
I am your biggest fan
Yet you always look to man
I’ll show you
A picture speaks a thousand words
The ultimate visual aid
Our pain, demonstrated, in My Father’s name
Watch me reel
Writhing
The worst you know before your eyes
Plus what you cannot see inside
This is how it felt to see you suffer my child.
The lights go out
As the world acknowledges what has gone down in this place
The King of all in such disgrace
All so you can my know His grace
The son rises
And the sun rises
Chasing the shadows away
Having born all the grief from all your deeds
You are free to greet the day!
I suffered because I love you
See that it is true
And EVERYTHING you know will be made new…
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