I want to vent about how I have not been a very good Christian today. I had another post in mind, hence not forseeing this. I also didn't intend to be a not very good Christian.
I just didn't intend hard enough to try and be alright at it.
I've managed to be blah and non-seeking, non-joyful, non-life-giving, non-progressive, non-interested, non-alive. It's not because all I did was walk and sit in Starbucks and walk and sit in Starbucks and walk - that isn't great but it has all the potential in the world to give glory to God if it was His idea. It was the way I half-heartedly said "you have this day" and then proceeded to make no effort. Not in the physical where things were limited and I had no real good ideas and was a little weary, but mentally I just didn't bother. I lived in my own stupid, selfish, unholy head; thinking about things I KNOW I have no business thinking about (not like dirty thoughts or anything, just not looking to God and getting stressed and dwelling on the past and wondering about the future and daydreaming instead of focusing on what He has and hasn't said and all that jazz) and generally not actually making the choice for my actions (albeit synaptic ones) to reflect my ideals.
How bad is this for example: I was not really doing much, my battery had died having spent most of the day on my laptop, I was too worn out with too many bags to go outside and it was cold and raining anyway. As a last resort sitting in Starbucks I tried to read my bible but then I decided that, given I was tired, maybe God wanted to speak to me through dreams; so I had a 2 hour nap instead. I basically told Him to come and see me when He was ready and then curled up with my earphones in.
When you are visiting it is like you have to spend all your time making the most of the opportunity to see people. I didn't have any lined up today (aside from music practice this eve) but I was OK with that - it's going to be a pretty long one tomorrow and I did move my stuff to Anna's (giving Beautiful Brian a break) which made it not totally unproductive. With no plans or distractions I had a readymade opportunity to spend quality time with God instead; and I chose to think about the songs I need to learn, moan about my aches and kick back like a lazy cow. I didn't even do any maths. I didn't even try and it only occured to me this eve how that must have made God feel - like He was too much effort.
Sorry God. I'm going to try harder tomorrow. This feeling really sucks you know, I've let Him down. When it gets a bit tougher I'm supposed to up the anti, not give up.
One thing's for sure - I'll need His help.
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2 comments:
As I read your post, this song came into my head. Really powerful lyrics and so true!!
Grace unmeasured, vast and free
That knew me from eternity
That called me out before my birth
To bring You glory on this earth
Grace amazing, pure and deep
That saw me in my misery
That took my curse and owned my blame
So I could bear your righteous name
Grace (grace, grace)
Paid for my sins and brought me to life
Grace (grace, grace)
Clothes me with pow’r to do what is right
Grace (grace, grace)
Will lead me to heav’n where I’ll see Your face
And never cease to thank you for Your grace
Grace abounding, strong and true
That makes me long to be like You
That turns me from my selfish pride
To love the cross on which You died
Grace unending, all my days
You’ll give me strength to run this race
And when my years on earth are through
The praise will all belong to You
© 2005, Bob Kauflin
Thanks Matt. That's really cool!
One other thing that someone shared with me (it's from their daily devotional so I don't know exactly who I am ripping off, sorry) and it really neat so I thought you might like to see it (if anyone will actually read the comments):
When we are honest about our weaknesses, we are conceding the fact that only God can accomplish anything good in or through us. God's power is instantly recognizable in obvious weakness. God has always allowed man's weakness to validate the immeasurable need of His redemption and His sufficiency in our lives. He can and will use us if we allow Him to do so -- not despite our weaknesses -- but through our weaknesses. We are not the message -- just the messenger. Our weaknesses are not excuses to escape God's plan but divinely appointed opportunities for that plan to work.
Noah was a drunk.
Abraham was too old.
Isaac was a daydreamer.
Jacob was a liar.
Leah was ugly.
Joseph was abused.
Moses had a stuttering problem.
Gideon was afraid.
Sampson had long hair and was a womanizer.
Rahab was a prostitute.
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young.
David had an affair and was a murderer.
Elijah was suicidal.
Isaiah preached naked.
Jonah ran from God.
Naomi was a widow.
Job went bankrupt.
John the Baptist ate bugs.
Peter denied Christ.
The Disciples fell asleep while praying.
Martha worried about everything.
The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once.
Zaccheus was too small.
Paul was too religious and Lazarus was dead!
(Author unknown)
More important than where you have been or even where you are, is where you are headed. Don't wait until you have it all figured out. That won't happen, this side of Heaven. Don't wait until you think you are good enough. You never will be. Step up to the plate and be the imperfect you; allowing God's perfection to shine through each and every weakness. Do not listen to the doubts and lies of Satan. His goal is to render you helpless and defeated, no longer a threat to him or his kingdom. I recently told a friend, "I want to get to the place in my walk with God, that when my feet hit the floor each morning, the devil says, "Oh, no! She's awake!" I know I have a long way to go, but join me in the choice to embrace weakness and pain, allowing God's strength and restoration to shine through each broken place.
2 Corinthians 12:9 "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.'" (NIV)
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