Not the post I was going to write next

I want to vent about how I have not been a very good Christian today. I had another post in mind, hence not forseeing this. I also didn't intend to be a not very good Christian.

I just didn't intend hard enough to try and be alright at it.

I've managed to be blah and non-seeking, non-joyful, non-life-giving, non-progressive, non-interested, non-alive. It's not because all I did was walk and sit in Starbucks and walk and sit in Starbucks and walk - that isn't great but it has all the potential in the world to give glory to God if it was His idea. It was the way I half-heartedly said "you have this day" and then proceeded to make no effort. Not in the physical where things were limited and I had no real good ideas and was a little weary, but mentally I just didn't bother. I lived in my own stupid, selfish, unholy head; thinking about things I KNOW I have no business thinking about (not like dirty thoughts or anything, just not looking to God and getting stressed and dwelling on the past and wondering about the future and daydreaming instead of focusing on what He has and hasn't said and all that jazz) and generally not actually making the choice for my actions (albeit synaptic ones) to reflect my ideals.

How bad is this for example: I was not really doing much, my battery had died having spent most of the day on my laptop, I was too worn out with too many bags to go outside and it was cold and raining anyway. As a last resort sitting in Starbucks I tried to read my bible but then I decided that, given I was tired, maybe God wanted to speak to me through dreams; so I had a 2 hour nap instead. I basically told Him to come and see me when He was ready and then curled up with my earphones in.

When you are visiting it is like you have to spend all your time making the most of the opportunity to see people. I didn't have any lined up today (aside from music practice this eve) but I was OK with that - it's going to be a pretty long one tomorrow and I did move my stuff to Anna's (giving Beautiful Brian a break) which made it not totally unproductive. With no plans or distractions I had a readymade opportunity to spend quality time with God instead; and I chose to think about the songs I need to learn, moan about my aches and kick back like a lazy cow. I didn't even do any maths. I didn't even try and it only occured to me this eve how that must have made God feel - like He was too much effort.

Sorry God. I'm going to try harder tomorrow. This feeling really sucks you know, I've let Him down. When it gets a bit tougher I'm supposed to up the anti, not give up.

One thing's for sure - I'll need His help.

Nice to be in Geneva, 'Citing!

[I wrote this on Tuesday... there is a part II to come...]

I was talking to my mum yday and she observed that I had not actually written anything in my blog about the weekend retreat that I came to Geneva for... this is not because it was rubbish, far from it, I just didn't know quite what to share. A brief overview would be that I was TOTALLY full of joy and learned a lot about prayer - a main point I came away with being that righteousness is a key factor in the effectiveness thereoff... which is cool and given my name means pure not entirely unexciting (your name being the first prophetic thing to be said over your life!).

So that was great and I had a lovely time with friends - writing music, playing music, catching up on what has seemed a VERY long 2 months, celebrating my 5 month rebirthday, playing silly word games, eating fondu etc etc etc

And then yday I was like "What to do with this week?".

I came back for 10 days because I wanted to do the retreat and church and as I could not decided between the two went for the both. Midweek there is YAGs, music practise, pub quiz and, well, other good opps to catch up with friends... but it was basically looking like a bit of an empty time (albeit a chance to work). Not so now...

Last night at the quiz a coupla us were moved to offer to pray for our friend the quiz master/'ents coordinator at this main English speaking pub in Geneva called Pickwick's. Having been limping all night and clearly in a lot of pain, well, it just seemed right. She was well up for it, until she interpreted correctly what we had said... whereupon she refused. Well acknowledged as her right! However, realising that what she had heard was pLay for her we were like "what do you mean Yes?!" Before we knew it she had offered us the warm up slot for the band playing on Friday at Halloween!!!!!

So, we have a gig, all we need now is to be a band. As all involved are total music geeks we simply can't say no to this opportunity, even if we end up being dreadful. I comfort myself that I don't live here anymore so it doesn't really matter but I am still full of too much nervous energy to sleep and am feeling far too sick to eat a thing.

Another element in play is that we need to be dressed up. I think that is the thing scaring our otherwise far too gifted pianist... drummer boy just doesn't want to have to lug his kit around... my spitfire on guitar feigns nerves but is awesome and has done this before and then there's me... Arggggghhh!

But yet this is a total blessing and excitement and, I kid you not, sitting there in the pub about an hour before it came up I was thinking that the one thing I regretted about last year was not taking the opportunity to do a gig there. What is it with God answering prayers we don't even speak out? It's like He's saying "I love you and just want to bless you for the sake of it".

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sidetracked

In the days before I came to Geneva I was building up quite a few blog thoughts. I can't promise they will ever make it here: back then I was too busy with life and not online; now I have plenty of time and a (sneaky) wireless connection with a comfy sofa, but my thoughts are elsewhere - and where I am not even sure.

The thing about blogging is, sometimes a post can only be posted when it is relevant to what you just did. I will start writing about a particular incident from my day then be rushed off on the next project; getting home at night with no way to finish and by the morning the moment has passed and I am on to the next thing.

Which in this situation I suppose is not critical. One might even argue that I was making a choice between real life and e-life and that in doing so while BGB might miss out, Kat(i)e was almost certainly edified... which can be no bad thing.

But let's suppose, just for a moment, that this blog actually suffered. Like, from neglect that is. It hasn't become something that it could have and is constantly yelling "I have unfulfilled potential 'cause you aren't writing in me".

If I don't complete on time I will miss the deadline and then that particular thought will be null and void - like a news reporter where the big story is all about what I had for lunch and how God revealed something exciting to me about it. It is true that in life there are other things in the mix and only 24 hours in the day (well, let's not make that a hard and fast rule, God can do what He likes with time but I don't think I should schedule my days in that knowledge) and that we can't have everything but I wish, sometimes, that I weighed up the payoff a bit more - regretting posts that I ought to have made but never quite got around to dealing with a tricky paragraph, or looking up a certain fact, or being disciplined enough to finish or, well, facing up to something that really just needs a total rethink.

I know a lot about waiting. I am good at that these days. Well, a bit better anyway. You know what they say about the 7 years Jacob waited for Rachel and then he got given Leah and had to start again? There is so much importance in patience and trusting God (or whatever you may believe) and learning something very valuable so that you are ready when God finally says Yes! Sometimes it maybe even just be about the self-discipline or the sacrifice but wait is DEFINITELY a good, nay a God, thing.

But I am also good at "waiting" when I actually mean Procrastinating. Thinking that at some point in the future it will be more appropriate and perhaps that if something is hard right now it is evidence that the time is not right. Looking at the bible bit it can be easy to ignore the fact that though Isaac waited and worked 7 years for Leah, he only had to do another week to get Rachel - the next 7 years came after the prize. It makes sense doesn't it? I mean, we are never going to be totally ready for anything.

I know that when I write my blog it takes me longer than it ought to. I'm easily sidetracked when difficulties come up and get a bit perfectionist about the silliest of things. The real problem arises however when I then pretend that if life is too full to get it done I obviously was not supposed to make that blog. Maybe if I didn't avoid the more unpleasant things and instead looked them straight in the face and dealt I would be able to press the 'publish' button instead of the 'save for later' one a bit more.

I wasn't sure where I was going with this post. It kinda just grew out of sitting down with, for once, absolutely no idea what to say. The message coming out for me seems about discipline and getting a task that I wish was something that could put off till later, completed. Lord knows that's been relevant a lot since starting back at uni! I need to stop saying it is about the one day when actually, more scarily, it might be about the now.

Wait and procrastinate (I HAVE to use that rhyme) can look very similar but they are vastly different. One gives you more in the long run and t'other, well, it leaves you somewhat lacking.

So I better go back through and redraft till I am content with this post. If you are reading it then you can be happy for me that this day I didn't delay.

Next stop, applying this to something that will actually be life changing...!

Huzzah!

I'm online... and I've got a lot to say... but right now I have to go out...

Still, I just spoke to my dear French teacher (now my phone package has kicked in too I can make foreign calls) about seeing her next week in Geneva and she said such a sweet thing I have to share:

I told her how fabulous it has all been since I got back which truly is true, and how happy I am, and she said that when a girl speaks like that it sounds like she is in love... and I'm not! Which is great!!

It really is great because what that means is I am feeling the classic elation of that without the tension of it being dependent on another human being. Or more importantly I am feeling it because of God which means in some way I am getting to where I want to be - putting my First Love first and finding my contentment in Him. Falling in love with Jesus.

I think I'm going to have to go read Song of Solomon again now. I will post more later if I can (lots in the pipeline) but I just like that the day before I come back to La Suisse (or go back I should rather say) I have this encouragement over the direction I am going in; that is to say forward and closer to God.

Huzzah indeed.

P.S. I hope I don't sound all proud and holy, :-S I just get so excited when I feel like I am making progress and God is all affirming about it...

Welcome

I just wanted to say a big hi, howdy and hello there to everyone! Particularly my "follower" who I didn't even know read this let alone put a link to mine in his. Note that Darryl. Without me even asking. And anyone else that I don't know is reading, or don't even know. It's cool when I discover the most obscure associations (and those I know and love are pretty neat too) so be aware that I don't just like you visiting, I am wholeheartedly self-professed dead chuffed you stopped by. Thank you.

I must go. The folks are coming to visit :-D and I still have to go buy a textbook for a presentation I'm making next Tuesday. You can pray for it actually, if you are that way inclined...

Ciao Ciao! x

Don't Be Happy For Me

It’s kinda hard for anyone to miss the fact that my life has changed. Ask anyone that knew me before I went to Geneva, before I found Jesus, before the light, and they will say that I am a hell of a lot happier. Well, they may not say “hell”, that would depend on who’s talking; and the word happier is a very deceptive one because it conveys more of an instantaneous emotion and doesn’t necessarily suggest depth. They tend to mean content, satisfied, a changed state of mind, I see it a bit like what the Ancient Greeks called eudaimonia and were all searching for (I like the wiki "human flourishing"). Anyway, the simple truth of it is that they have seen the Joy I found. Joy that supersedes the instantaneous emotions and drastically changes my outlook (I hope the verses don't seem too tenuous. I can't go into explaining them all now, this is just background). Joy that gives me strength. Joy, evidence of The Spirit, that brings me back to life.

I used to be angry. I used to be miserable. I used to make decisions that did not value me and would treat other people with equal disappreciation. I was selfish and yet had no self-respect. I used to get demotivated very easily, struggle a great deal to even get up in the morning and I hated switching my mind on in case the thoughts were too much to deal with. I spent all my cognitive energies on obsessive behaviour and would get caught up in depression with no way out. I used to scare people. I used to be scared by people. I used to scare myself. I had bought into the lies of the world to a terrifying degree and had a very inappropriate sense of humour. Most of these things have changed…! I still wear silly clothes a lot of the time and don't always quite know when to stop but, meh, you got to be true to yourself. I am a lot more grateful for everything now and let’s not forget the joy.

You know what? People have actually noticed. I’m not saying I have been giving a great testimony all the time, I’ve made some pretty major mistakes already and struggle with always conveying the truth of which I am not at all proud. Yet even with all this, close friends, old acquaintances even departmental secretaries see it.

But let me tell you what pisses me off. When people say “I’m really happy for you.”

OK, if you’re a Christian I think you can get away with it. Though perhaps, again with the “happy”, that’s a bit of an instantaneous and easily quashed emotion. My favourite reaction was from an old flatmate who said I should have a party when I got back. I liked that one – a ‘Kat(i)e Got Saved’ party with the tag line “because the angels are doing it”. It’s a bit fat rejoicement.

But if you’re not a Christian then why, in heaven or on earth, would you be glad? Don’t you see, I haven’t found something that “works for me”. I am single minded in my belief that what I have found is the truth and that if you are not in agreement you must, quite simply, be wrong.

I don’t judge you (will save that for if you become one of "us") but seriously, isn’t it the most patronising thing you ever heard that I pray for you and care to see you find the same thing. But it is clearly explicit in the Bible that Jesus is THE ONLY WAY and if I tell you I’m a Christian I am saying I believe this very thing: I am right you are wrong and I can’t be persuaded to compromise. I won’t always ram it down your throat but I can’t help having it as a very predominant silent thought most of the time. Unless I’m in a bitchy mood then surely that’s even worse – that I stop caring?

I’m not actually trying to persuade you to stop being friends with me now that I am crazy. I just want you to realise that being happy for me is stupid – what I have found only truly works for me if it works for everyone, so either I am deluded and you ought to be worried for me or I am right and you ought to be worried for yourself.

Muffin Anyone? Only if it's "skinny"

I have kept silent for too long about how ruddy bloody crap the world is. Well today a good bit of old fashioned sharing of exasperations has led me to write this post. That and procrastination to avoid the fact I have a seminar to prepare for (quaking in fear... us mathematicians are not used to this).

And today the issue is going to be women, or dare I say the way in which we are objectified, pressurised and downright defiled by society.

Now, before you guys out there start complaining about this and say that men get there fair share of it from women, I know. I've seen the aero advert. I'm not claiming this is the guys fault or even a one way mechanism, simply that right now I have a bone to pick on the behalf of my gender and I'm not quitting until at least one lady stops shaving her legs.

I was having a conversation with a new friend I've made in Bristol. I'd like to take a minute to say a big "howdy and hello there" as I just sent her a link (after she twisted my arm :-P). She is a pretty cool chick and I think we have a fair amount of stuff in common. One of which is anger! But I digress. The subject of muffin tops came up...

Now for those of you that don't know what these are, and I hope that you don't because by having it in your vocabulary it simply means you have been exposed more than you ought to the crapness of media, it is the bit of your belly/sides/back that overhangs trousers at the top. Like a muffin. Now I for one think they sound a lot sexier when they are known as love handles. For two, however and more importantly, I think that if the same people that write articles about muffin tops (oh yes, this is considered newsworthy) hadn't introduced trousers that were so ridiculously low slung the wearer could not bend forward without exposing herself and half of that ever so sexy not-at-all low rising thong (g-string), then the whole phenomenon would not exist!

The sad truth is though, that instead of giving the sound advice to getting rid of muffin tops - buy a pair of trousers that fit - magazines are proporting all kinds of diets and exercises plans to generate women that spend all their time, money and energies obsessing after things that are not achievable and not supposed to be. The self-esteem of the lovely ladies in society has sunken so low as a result of the impossibility of the task that they set standards for themselves that allow the less than lovely members of society to use and abuse them. Consumerism rapes their pockets, men rape their bodies and the lies of who they are suppose to be are screaming so loudly and repeatedly in their ears that there is no space for the quite truth of a woman.

The truth that I can't help believe lies in places like this: Proverbs 31. If we could all aim to live out that character I am convinced that the pain we see demonstrated in eating disorders, unwanted pregnancies, abusive relationships, control issues, low self-esteem, self-harm, psychotic bitchiness etc etc I could go on would subside; I am convinced that the world would not be able to help slackening it's grip on the hearts of the daughters of Eve.

I don't want to start a discussion about women is the church, looking at contentious arguments about jewellery, dresses, head coverings and speaking out. Not 'cause I don't want to talk about it, not at all! Just now is not the time and I have, I confess, a lot more learning and thinking and listening to do about all this stuff. I do know, however, that as I reform my ideas on what sets aside a woman of the Kingdom from women of the world, that somethings have got to change.

What? I am not yet sure. Is it sufficient to sometimes go out with hairy legs or do I need to stop mosturising too? Maybe these things have no significance if the heart attitude is changed? I do know that as long as I pay any heed to what the WAGs are doing (Wives And Girlfriends, a distressing term coined by British media to describe the horrifying iconography of the partners of footballers in all their emaciated glory) or for even one second accept as truth what the media purports as necessary or significant, I will lose sight of my WOG (I couldn't help myself!) role model and as such the whole crux of my true feminine identity.

Eternity

Infinity comes in all different sizes. How many of you know that?

But to me eternity is a good example of infinity - the infinite reach of time which is the same "size" as the natural numbers. That is, countable. What about the uncountable sets and all kinds of things to do with cardinality that I don't really remember? Are there different sizes of eternity?

I don't know right now, not really giving this much depth of thought - an old dear friend, from whom I had what now feels like a really petty split several years ago, just got in touch with me having read BGB (on reference from a mutual friend) so I'm kinda distracted by the idea of reconciliations and the aceness of forgiveness and all that it brings.

What a waste of time not doing so has been. Yet, I suppose with the rest of eternity at our disposal (no matter what size it may be) we can more than make up for the finite loss of a few years.

Mathematicians ARE Cool

Today my fabulous Russian lecturer in Set Theory gave analogies using Facebook. Did you know that friendship is symmetric whilst friendship with yourself in an irreflexive relationship? We are "connected" not just socially but by definition, oh yes, and friendship with other people is not transitive; though I think that one is pretty obvious.

But if you needed more evidence for the fact that mathematicians are indeed Cool then look no further than the Bristol University Maths Department academic staff listing. That's ito. Now, click on the individual professors names to check out their funky profiles... here are a few of my favourites so you don't have to hunt:

He's rad, he's down wid it, he's Dr Dendrinos
Who's shocked that Carl's got a PhD in physics?
Professor The Man is so slick...
Helfgott, wasn't he in Harry Potter?
I just have a soft spot for this dude, Probability legend and now my supervisor, he looks SO cute in this photo! (Close call, he just came and had a chat with me while I was writing this! Lol, he's cute in real life too, reminds me of my Biology teacher at school ;-p)
ARGGGHH!
Token female representative. A very nice lady, helped me unregister for a year abroad when I first came (though it seemed that was not God's long term plan!). Would be destined to be her if only I could actually do maths...
And last but not least, the piece de resistance, Volkov, god of maths.

I asked the department secretary what went on there and I can confirm that they got in a professional photographer just to take the photos. How crazy are these catz.

Sadly though, I am nowhere near being this cool. Today in Set Class (otherwise known as V for the geeks out there that might get my appalling joke) I was elected the "volunteer" questioner. Which meant I had to interact with the teaching (try doing that when you're only just keeping up). At one point I was asked for an example of a not well-ordered set... and I said the natural numbers! :-O Now, that may seem irrelevant, obscure, insignificant, niche nay boring; but try being in your final year of maths at university and forgetting where the counting starts...

MIssing... assumed stressed/bored/lost/injured/lazy/backslid/busy/dead

I think that's it.

Actually I am OK. If I had to be any of the above I think it would be busy, but mostly I'm frustrated at still not being online!

I wasn't sure I was going to write a blog as I am only on the internet 'cause I fancied going for a late night walk, then I though I'm going past the maths department so why not take my laptop and make the most of the 24/7 wifi (or whiffee should I say Darryl) connection as I hadn't checked my mail in a while (haven't quite worked out how to do remote webmail access for my email address without following the link on my laptop). So I am here sitting on a cold step praying I don't get piles and wondering what I really should be doing, if I could work out God's mind exactly.

Maybe deciding for myself?!

That is one of them things about Christianity. Looking to God for all the answers. I became really sure that God was totally in control of it all and had an ideal plan for me. Then I realised that I had taken the whole biblical stance and seen it as a way to not have to make any decisions. Classic giving up control to someone more powerful than me because I was afraid to be strong for myself. So then when I realised that God isn't going to explicitly tell me how to spend every spare minute of my day the panic of getting things wrong really came along. That is what once upon a time stopped me from being able to choose meals in restaurants (I still struggle with that a bit but believe me, if you saw me before you'd realise that's nothing!) and disabled me from walking down the street without about 6 different tics or compulsive traits.

I really struggled with control. It's ironic that I looked externally to people that could take control of my life so I didn't have to then I would struggle internally with the lack of control that I had. Self control is a huge issue in Christianity - it surprises me how many people struggle with it and don't even realise - but I don't think that is where I am going today.

Today it is about using God as a way to diminish responsibility for our own lives. Like by praying in the morning we no longer have to make plans for the day it will all fall together.

This is a hard thing for me to grapple with. Partly 'cause a lot of the time cool God-incidences do happen. Thursday all I did was bump into people that I seemed "supposed" to spend time with and before I knew it it was evening and I had redeveloped old relationships, made a fabulous new friend and met loads of people I felt I should pray for. Today I found myself wondering up Gloucester road late afternoon, all the shops were shutting I was miles from my car and I was like "What am I doing here?". Then I bumped into someone from church that had gone a different way home than usual (and was annoyed at himself for it) who had been walking around all day saying "What do you want to say to me God?". I ended up giving him apparently really sound advice which can't have been from me and we both went home feeling like it was supposed to happen.

But it isn't necessarily always like that. I have also had times where I have gotten so worked up by what I should and shouldn't do that I have totally overlooked taking control and making my own mind up - wanting God to take the burden of choice away and ensure I do not make a mistake, then feeling lost if He isn't obviously there. Hating the feeling of purposelessness for even a minute, like life is about what we are fulfilling and forgetting that actually I am quite small in the scheme of things, that God has told me exactly what does and doesn't glorify Him and that today, right now, it doesn't matter too much as long as I aim to please.

All too often the temptation is to look at every minute situation and try and see what God is doing in it. A classic Christian thing is to say "maybe God is trying to tell me something". Like when I was looking for my iPod before I came out for a walk and couldn't find it I thought "well maybe God wants me to pray or listen or something and so is stopping me". That is pretty crazy though because for one thing if I was really adamant about listening to music this evening I would have just said to myself "clearly Satan doesn't want me to listen to worship songs as I walk along" because that would have suited me. As though everything has to have some kind of spiritual significance.

Which TOTALLY negates our own responsibility for life. Not everything comes to us with a quick prayer and waiting. Sometimes we have to make a choice.

Like if God wants to talk to me quietly, or just have me spend time with him, having my iPod wouldn't change that. My choice to listen would be the deciding factor for if it happened - I have to make the effort, I have to WANT it. I like having music on as I walk, I like getting absorbed in it and avoiding the mundane route I take everyday. I put Christian music on my iPod so that I feel less bad about the escapism, but perhaps it would be a good opportunity to let Him in. Afterall, while Tim Hughes is fabulous, he is but a fallible image of The Almighty.

This kind of stuff for me is a nightmare. One of my favourite things about becoming a Christian (Jesus aside) was the idea that I never again had to worry about choice or getting things wrong. Or so I thought. Surely with God in control, someone that has my best interests at heart AND knows how to fullfill them, things might be hard but they would always be Right. Right? The realisation that I still have input and responsibility and thus the potential for failure sucked ass. Gives a whole new meaning to the term 'Human Error'.

The freedom to mess up was, and still is, scary. The thing is though, no matter what mistakes we make He is able and willing to bring great stuff out of them, 'cause God is never going to give you up, never going to let you down, never going to run around and desert you.

I was going to be lazy and upload an old poem, turns out I found more than enough to say! Night x

Back 2 School

So uni started again today. I get really impatient sitting down doing my blog when I could be at home drinking tea, which is why I have not really done much. Sorry but at least I am honest. I try to do it in advance but life has been so busy you know. Well not actually, 'cause I've not been telling you.

But good news on that front is that my phone line got connected today! I don't know why it took them 2 weeks to reopen something that was already there but I am one step away from being overtly prolific in my blogging.

Which is inevitable seeing as I started lectures today and will need something to procrastinate with.

Oh my there is lots I could say. Noting all the crazy analogies I have going down, updating you on my follicle growth, 'citing stories about God, letting you in on my latest secret sin... but I haven't got that much time and need to get in touch with talktalk before dinner. [After thought: I just did and they are going to connect me at the end of the month! How RUBBISH is that? Maybe God is trying to keep me off the internet...?]

SO, I will just give you a little answer to prayer from this morning that I thought was pretty neat.

My Facebook friends will know that I was all rejoicing over the fact that my timetable gave me Thursday afternoons and Fridays off - leaving things incredibly open for long weekends to, well anywhere but I reckon La Suisse might be a top candidate.

Anyway. First lecture of day really good and enthusing and I am remembering exactly why I like maths this much. Second opened up a whole can of worms. The timetable coordinator lady (oh how I do not envy her) was there and it ensued that they needed to reschedule 2 out of 3 lectures for that course. Put total fear into me for the preservation of my über sweet life. First one they moved to Mon lunch time which was cool but then the next clash was announced... I was terrified for my Friday and it was looking like I was going to lose it. Maybe that seems silly or selfish but I am pretty damn sure I NEED that time off and anyway, why not ask God for a blessing?

So I am sitting there ferociously praying (I think I may have freaked out the girl next to me) and it is seeming like an inevitable loss. One guy kinda said he couldn't do it but the lecturer couldn't do the other option and he is a little more integral. Then a decision is reached... and they said that it would be Friday... but for those that can't make it, a smaller group will be arranged at another time! Which is wicked and totally better than a whole lecture full anyway.

There are only three of us in the group and the other girl admitted straight up that she was only there 'cause it would be a better learning environment. I was avoiding my stance until someone asked me outright if I was the same and I was like "well.. the thing is.. I CAN make Friday... but bearing in mind how many problems I have with studying, it is really in everyone's interest that I have a a 3 day weekend..." The lecturer was surprisingly cool and said himself that atleast we are honest!

Clearly it is only working because one person actually cannot make the Friday at 1pm slot. And why is it that he can't? 'Cause he is a devout muslim and has to say his prayers...!

Praise the Lord, what a wonderful way to work. I'm not sure if the department would support that but I for one think it's ace.

Uni with God is turning out to be pretty OK; actually I am kinda excited actually by how different things are going to be. Not just to do with peace but actual miraculous stuffs too like. But that is for another day. My tea awaits me...

Christian Hell Hole

On Monday I went to dinner at one of my new friends flats (grammar?). I very much buy into the New Testament model of faith related meal provision, particularly when it involves 3 courses. When I first went to GVA I joined a church to meet people obliged to be friendly that wouldn’t try and sleep with me. I achieved both and called them my “wholesome” friends. Now I’m back in BRS some of the people I have reconnected with are those that I met in the pub over Christmas. They hold somewhat different views to my Swiss crew; thus, for the sake of continuity (and ‘cause it makes me smile) I shall refer to them as my “unwholesome” friends.

One of the things we discussed was the university residence that their flatmate used to live in. This particular one is called ‘Clifton Hill House’ but, due to the dominating number of Christians (get in there), it got rechristened ‘Christian Hell Hole’. Apparently they would do things like give away toasties whilst inviting them to Alpha courses.

The irony of the name, combined with the cheesiness (literally and in reference to stereotyped behaviour) of the gesture amused me. As did the following comment:

“Why would I become a Christian. They’d only stop bringing me toasties… AND then I’d have to make them for other people?!”

Woah. Talk about profound.

I used to be the toastie receiver. Just to clarify: a toastie is a grilled cheese sandwich. And I am being metaphorical. Before I went to Geneva I lived in the roof of a church with a load of other students, most of who were, inevitably, Christian. I KNEW about the whole reaching out thing. The church would put on free BBQs for freshers and all year long we would get leftovers sent upstairs from various other events. I seldom had to do food shopping. Also, a lot of my flatmates had this whole “I’ve got to be a good witness thing going on” and I can’t lie, it is nice to be surround by people that are consciously making an effort to be friendly.

Then of course going to Switzerland and looking for friends: you can’t go wrong turning up at a church and saying I don’t believe in this but I want to hang out with you and I will listen. People were falling over themselves to spend time with me – not least when I started showing signs of cracking – live conversions would be such a hit on the God channel.

Ok, I do exaggerate a *little*. However, the premise remains that I am batting for the other side now. Which in turns means that I have to go out and make the toastie. Or, failing that, the BBQ. Or, failing that, the excessive niceness. It really must be worth it.

Today (Tuesday but what with the no internet yet I am blogging in advance.) I woke up in a terrible mood. I have a tendency to react quite strongly to lots of activity, by getting really fatigued and 'low mooded' and as such have to be careful not to follow my natural 'go go go go STOP' model. I had overdone it slightly by staying out till 4 am at aforementioned dinner party (OMGoodness you have to watch 'Big Stan'. If you can get past the gay rape premise you will LOVE it. It’s got the feel good factor of Sister Act. Well, some of you may love it, Carolyn definitely won’t ;-)) having been away all weekend visiting and making music in the South. So on Monday I was starting to go and by Tuesday really wasn’t in a good place. Physically, conversationally, compassionately... it was all a big no no.

Or no no no no STOP. Stop letting things get in my way and hold me back from living life and serving God. See I have found that when you don't want to do anything, the last thing you should do it nothing. I started writing this post before I left the house and, well, with strength I would not have had before, I actually went out and got involved. (Which by the way is AMAZING and such fantastic encouragement given the trepidation with which I begin a year of high demands.) This day that meant helping with the welcome BBQ at the church I used to live in. Alongside the people I used to take advantage of and argue with!

So I gave out the proverbial toasties (which is not a grilled cheese sandwich with proverbs hidden inside fortune cookie stylee though how AMAZING would that be?!), made a conscious effort to care and found that I really did. With a hell of a lot of energy! I was reminded of exactly why I changed sides. And it felt good.

After all, everybody is a slave to someone. Why make friends with the ones that have toasties when you can be friends with the One that provided the toasties in the first place – unlimited supply.