Baby Had Brit

Bye bye Baby, Baby bye bye

2009-04-12T17:48:00.013+01:00

We like brit blondes and we cannot lie
You other brothers can’t deny
When a girl walks in in red white blue
And a platinum haircut too

We are charmed, wanna offer her tea
And fall down on bended knee
To praise and then start singing
“You’ve lost that lovin’ feeling”

Oh Lady, will you come and teach us
How to speak thus?
How could anyone refuse?
When she sounds like Julie Andrews

Ooh, Union-jack-clad-lass
If we could have your class
Well wouldn’t it be loverly
We’d dance (brit pronounc.) and say it properly

We’ve heard her question
To hell with discretion
She’s loud and smart
Got goin’ with a lot of heart

We’re tired of other girls
Sayin’ it’s all about looks and pearls
Take the average yagster and ask what he’d pick
She gotta have much wit

So, fellas! (Yeah!) Fellas! (Yeah!)
Has our Katie got the brit? (Hell yeah!)
Tell her to share it! (Share it!) Share it! (Share it!)
Give us somma your brit!

Baby got brit!

Today I share with you the lyrics that inspired the name Baby Got Brit. They were written for me by my darling friend, and most dedicated follower, Miss Spitfire, as a gift for my 22nd birthday almost a year ago. I have been waiting for an appropriate time to make this tribute but today I can wait no longer - for this is the last post I will make on BGB.

When I took a break and started to fast "Intermacy" I knew that over lent I would have to decide on the future nature of my blogging. I loved to blog, to share, to talk about myself (who doesn't?) and make insightful comments on life and what not. However, there was a line of divulgence that I had crossed unawares and, better late than never, I resolved to reset that line. What I didn't realise was that over lent God was going to show me so many things about myself that I would end up deciding on a lot more than my blog's future nature.

So, on one last crazy blow out of sharing, I will tell you a little bit of what He did in me.

Oh the hilarity of the analogy that I will use! It took me by surprise too but God, in true keeping with how well He knows me, gave me the most fabulous of metaphors that I may treasure and delight it when putting my old self to death becomes just a little too tough. For that is, in effect, what is going on here. This milestone I am accepting on a whole new level exactly what it means to sacrifice even the most fundamental characteristics of Who I Am, in order that I rest upon the secure foundation of Jesus. So many things in me testify to insecurity and, try as I might, that does not change with self-defense or justification... be it the language I use, the things that I own (or obsessively collect!), the way I share my Romans 7 nature in an attempt to rid myself of shame...

At the risk of being too open let's move on and see what it is that spoke to me about this.

Jade Goody.

Oh yes! I too was surprised when I eventually worked it out but it makes such sense.

So who was this star of British reality TV? A loud, bolshy, fun loving, foolish, needy, attention seeking, proud, loving, funny, ridiculous, extreme, verbose (or gobby!), messy, sinful, lovable, broken, indiscrete, unrefined, annoying, genuine, hopeful, hard working, "true-to-herself" girl. All these things and more were said about her at her funeral last weekend. She remains an icon of Great Britishness and, though often slated in the papers and renown for making a spectacle of herself, many people had soft hearts for her and her honesty. Especially towards the end as she battled with cervical cancer and eventually died on the 22nd March.

I once wrote about changing yourself for other people. I remember the gist, though it feels like a long time ago. I think that Jade held strongly to some of the things I was questioning then to do with compromising for other people vs being assured in your own identity. After facing a lot of criticism from very unloving sources I suppose it becomes easy to take ones own standard as the most important and strongly discount the opinions of anyone that don't very very clearly demonstrate love. But the thing is, despite all the things that I latch on to in myself, it is not me that I am accountable to. I can be as immutable in my attitude as I like but until my attitude is totally in line with His then I have not reached my goal... and to progress on a journey we must move.

The story of Jade and I is this:

The whole world knew she was dying, they'd found out months ago and it's been constantly covered by the media ever since. Yet I had somehow missed it. On 28th Feb this year I found out... then just 3 weeks later (wow, it felt longer) she was gone.

Now, I wasn't a fan of her. Not at all in fact. When she was first on Big Brother I thought her ridiculous, hideous, pathetic, idiotic, desperate... the works. She became a background amusement but I never had an ounce of respect for her. Yet when all this came to light, and with the news that she had apparently become a Christian too, I strangely felt emphatically passionate. Like I loved her and wanted to tell her and encourage her and explain that she was special and her faults didn't matter and I was sorry for judging her. I thought it was because I was a Christian now, I suppose that's true in a wider sense. I also wanted her to understand just how huge and amazing her new hope in Jesus was, that He could actually heal her and transform her as well as bring her peace. I wished I could break into the world of PR that couldn't affirm this truth - I even wrote her a song! I thought this was because I have a heart to see a break through of miraculous power and healing that points towards God and shakes the nation. All these things are true, yet somehow there was more...

One friend said to me that he thought I had an unhealthy obsession with her. I tried to explain that I was not idolising Jade, far from it, I wanted to recognise her as a actual person. They said I couldn't do that as I didn't know her. I didn't tell them that I felt like I did... I had no justification at all for that. I even noted to myself the irony that, as she died her death in the public eye (doing interviews to the end and raising money to support her two boys) the whole world reported on it and I, in all my sincere passion, had not written one blog. It was like because it was real it was private.

In her last months the heat was turned up under Jade and I came to realise it was in the fire of refinement that I saw synonymy between her and I. This verse in Isaiah 43 (that I do believe was left for me in a comment here) has been a real comfort to me recently and it became the chorus for the song I wrote her:

You'll walk through the fire and you won't get burned
You're just being refined and there's a lot to learn
But you've got God on your side
And you're making Him smile
It's the Daddy's pride
And it's all worthwhile

I found that I was singing it to myself a fair amount too.

But it wasn't until the night of the day of the funeral that it hit me just why I was so moved for her: I too was coming to the end of my "Jaded" period in life. Not that I will suddenly be made perfect, but hopefully I am significantly moving on from the false bold securities that I have. That is, after all, what refinement is about - being made really hot (and bothered) until only the Good stuff remains.

So, as I didn't report on her journey to the grave, I also didn't blog mine... until now.

For I think that Baby Got Brit, with all it's "charm" and flippant public intimacy, is symbolic of what I am being refined away from. Not that there is anything wrong with who I have been in the process - loving Jade so very very much made me see just how OK it is to have faults; and the soft spot I had for her has been releasing in terms of my own masked shame. But in aspiring for her healing and growth, nay transformation, I realise that I must aspire for my own.

For Baby you are lovely but, aside from all the issues with content, quantity, being totally tangled in direction, the disorganisation in your tags, incontinuity to your themes, out-dated picture and lack of returning back to the hundreds of things you start to mention... aside from all this and more is the simple truth that you are no longer Kat(i)e.

Why not?

I am not platinum now - we all know how significant the hair is.

The girl that went to Paris and met the pilots (reference in the second verse) was a lifetime ago :)

I don't actually say "to h*ll with discretion anymore", I think sometimes it may have its uses!

SHOCK HORROR at the asterisk above - As far as my thoughts on swearing go, in short: I still think it is subjective; it is definitely about the heart; I found out I didn't have as much control over my tongue as I would have liked; I knew that the perception of others is part of the question but I've realised that trying to change that is a tough battle and I want to pick the ones that are most important - I don't think this is one of them.

As for the name, well... I am not a "citizen of the world" anymore so, though Britain will always be close to my heart, I don't want to make it part of my identity. Plus, who knows where God will take me...!

And then there is "Baby".

It has been quite a journey, this blog. From before I even properly made the call to be a Jesus-follower, through my rebirth, all the early questions and now this period of refinement and preparation. I have pretty much exhausted the "observations of a recent convert" theme and, though I have loved it, it is time to let go and move on to something bigger and better. After all, Paul did say:

"When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things." 1 Corinthians 13:11

In all seriousness, the distance I have been brought in the past year astounds me and, actually, I don't want to pretend that I am not weaned. And not just because I am nearly at the age that I think adulthood begins...! I feel different. However scary moving on is, it is time to do it. Life is a race and that means forward motion.

So. Bye bye Baby. Immature, British, brash, broken. I hope it doesn't seem like I'm slagging Jade off - I love us both. I just know that the time has come for a part of me to embrace the same fate as her and wave goodbye to everything that doesn't stand up to the baptism of fire.

Jade Goody. Don't you love that name? The two sides to her summed up... how could this larger than life character be anything but a powerful symbol of modern human "reality" that will be profound to the end - where she found the true reality of a hope that defeats death?

So now I step back from the public eye as she finally has and, laying down my defenses, die to my old self. But then, through the power of Easter, I can rise again a New Creation; as she too has found her resurrection in Christ!

So, what is this New Creation? Mostly off-line actually!

But I don't want to stop blogging just yet. ['Phewww' I hear, from those dedicated few that made it to this point in The Longest Blog Post Ever Written!] I have, instead, identified a sub-theme that I wish to extract from my ramblings and isolate in a new inter-web location. That is:

Analogy!

I know I know, if bloggers are better known for anything than they are for over-divulging it is their tacky metaphors. But I Don't Care! I can't help it, I love 'em and find them all the time, everywhere. I can even justify this with a verse:

"Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely." 1 Corinthians 13:12

To me this just expresses perfectly what it is about analogy that is so significant - how actually everything is an imperfect metaphor for (or isomorphic subset of) the ultimate truth. And what do you know, it comes directly after the verse about putting away childish things. As one door closes, another opens...!

It won't be about my life per se. I think that moving focus away from ourselves is actually quite important, particularly for self-indulgent "media hungry" lil' old me. I will explain more in the new location:

www.analogisethat.blogspot.com

Basically, though, I want to ponder more, divulge less and say what I observe not what I do.

It's not gonna be all stuffy poetic pretentious nonsense mind. Nor will I lose my "cool edge" as I am changed. This can often be the fear/criticism: that when we let God take over our lives we become that certain sort of "religious" (as in not the James kind) loser that is prim, ghastly, monotone and void of individuality. I reckon that God, in all His infinite enormity, has enough facets that we could all take on His image and still be entirely unique and different from each other. This is why I am not terrified of reformation...

That, and perfect love casts out all fear. God must be the only person (I don't mean person, but what else can one say?) who loves us so perfectly that His constructive criticism melts hearts instead of puts up defenses.

So BGB is laid to rest in peace; or goes toddling onwards and upwards if you prefer.

And as I read all the lovely things Miss S wrote about me back then I wonder if, though some fade away, others might increase over time...? Perhaps. I do hope so. The worth of what I am becoming so outweighs the losses that, though goodbyes are sad, it is all I can do. All I want to do. As a wise man once said, sometimes something has to die before something else can come to life and grow.

While we are yet to be made perfect there will always need to be endings; the important thing is to look forward to what begins next, whatever that may be... One thing of which I am sure: it won't make me cry.

Intermacy

2009-02-24T21:52:00.008Z

There's been a recent craze that has spread like wildfire across Facebook called '25 Things'. For those of you that don't fb, this involves writing a note of any random 25 things about yourself that other people may not know (or want to know) and then tagging 25 friends in it who are to read, "enjoy", then pass it on... doing it about themselves and including the person that originally tagged them in some kind of "get to know your friends better" fest. It's like chainmail but you publish it to your profile for the whole world to see.

As you may well imagine, I love this kind of thing. I have such a penchant for getting "real" and down to the "nitty gritty" with people that the opportunity to share and receive sharing back was just perfect. I was dead excited when I got the chance to do it and my 25th thing was even:
"25. We are not supposed to function alone and I think community and deep meaningful relationships are where it is at!"
My point was that to get real with people is the only way that relationships can ever be more than superficial and empty. I stand by this.

Of course not that many people I tagged actually tagged me back. I can understand that not everyone has the time, can be bothered or wants to be pushed into deeper friendships on demand. I get it and am not too bothered as the medium of Facebook is hardly reflective of real life and the efforts we make with our proper friends (as opposed to "friends" as found on Facebook) is the truly important thing.

But the thing that this phenomenon accentuated was the desire that people have to get intimate, even in this unnatural environment. Like, perhaps a little too real. Sharing for all the world to see (not just your friends but anyone that your friends know too) the sometime amusing but all too often cringeworthy details of their lives. It really sorts people into try hard, comedian, philosopher, procrastinator, attention seeker, regular joe, boring... I don't actually have a cohesive list of genres like in a US high school... just postulating a few. It seems that the world over, in all sorts of formats, we want to be noticed and appreciated and loved - to the point that we will put a little piece of our souls on the internet and be judged and adored in various proportions.

And this is just a little too close to home for me. For a few weeks now (you may have noticed) I have been feeling a bit of dis-ease at the one-sided nature of my blog relationship. It was like BGB became my significant other as far as intimacy levels go, but I try and try to get real with "him" and all I get back is pretty colours and an outdated picture coming up the same every time I press publish. It was taking from me but I was not getting the necessary return. I do have friends here in Bristol to share with but for some reason Baby, with all our history, is familiar to me. So I poured out more than a little piece of my soul on the internet and, as with all those people on Facebook, I suddenly began to see that I was being judged and adored in inestimable proportions by actually real people. Not just a blogspot domain name.

The root of this issue, I came to see, is in the fact that I am generically pro-honesty. I don't see the point in ever not trying to be totally real and I don't like it when relationships are superficial. I wanted to share the truth of my life and sure, of course I choose what I share and there will always be gaps or secrets, but on the whole my top priority was letting the truth speak. So I rushed in, as always, putting out all these raw emotions as I felt them so that I had integrity and so that I could write about things that not everyone would even admit to. I suppose I half-consciously decided that there was intrinsic worth in doing this because being genuine is always the most important thing. Then suddenly, months down the line I sit down and finally assess... and I feel so utterly utterly vulnerable.

For it suddenly hit me, way after I could have possibly contained myself, that I had not kept anything back. Something extra for me and a carefully chosen few. I felt like an emotional slut. Some people put themselves out in the world offering everything up to all and sundry on and plate in the hope that someone will come along and make them feel special. Tell them they have worth. Give them the affirmation they crave. And, as with a physical slut, you know that people will use and abuse and take what they give but the incentive to feed back into them is gone. They have nothing left to offer so why would you make the effort? More than that, who really wants to be with the village bike?

I'm not saying that I actually feel like people who read my blog are taking advantage of me. Just that I feel so exposed, my heart reaction is as though that is so. Now, I hardly get enough readers to truly worry, and people do occasionally make contact about stuff I post, but it is not really about the facts of the situation. Not so much about what people are or aren't thinking or what they take from me but that I just let it happen without any prior consideration at all. I suppose more than anything I question my motivation for the vulnerability, rather than how people receive it... for girls that let it all hang out on a Friday night are in a sense inviting men to disrespect them (not assault them mind, so not going there).

Basically, I had a reality check. It's not that I regret the honesty per se, just that I haven't considered what it means for me both with regards to my own emotional safety and why I even do it at all. Another way in which I had a wake up call was when, after a succession of essay related stati through last Thursday night, an old school friend of my sister sent me a message of encouragement because she had noticed me on her newsfeed updates. Entirely lovely of her and I don't mind the sentiment in the slightest but how is it that someone I used to annoy at breaktime over a decade ago could even know what is going on with me now? What does this say about me? Translate that into the general diagnosis for people that do '25 Things' and it is clear I have the worst case going of Internet Intimacy; or Intermacy as I have coined it.

I'd see people exposing themselves in part on Facebook and raise an eyebrow yet I suddenly realised I have crafted it so that huge chunks of detailed text about my whole life are on public view. I don't need this, I really don't. There are plenty of real people around to invest my time and emotions into; ones that can invest back and not leave me feeling like a tapped resource.

So this lent I am not just giving up swearing. Starting tomorrow I'm saying goodbye to blogging, status updates and any other form of blogosphere or Facebook exposure. If I want to be in touch with my friends I can meet with them, talk to them, even email or write them... but I will not do it so that the whole world can watch on. It seems I've become addicted to the artificial attention and why do I even care what other people think anyway? The only one who's opinion matters is always watching... and He doesn't get the honed, edited version of events.

I could be back after Easter. If so it will be with a better sense of what I do and don't deem an acceptable level of intermacy. It is hard, there is so much I still want to write but to do so would require the context of my reality and the payoff of that risk is one I have not yet weighed up. I am losing two of my favourite things in one foul swoop... this is going to be tough... but it should be good too.

Who knows who I'll be when I come back. If I come back. For now this xkcd comic rather sums up the next leg of this journey. Enjoy it and I may or may not see you around...

http://www.xkcd.com/77/

The One About The Swearing

2009-02-23T23:21:00.014Z

I do not wish to apologise in advance for the length of this post. It is all relevant and worthy of reading. Whether you choose to do so is, of course, another matter!

Last week I called something "funky cool" and the person I was talking to immediately assumed I had said "fucking cool". The fact is that to do so hadn't even occurred to me - worrying. It was looking like I may have been giving up my corner on swearing before I have even argued the case for it. But I could not let that happen, so today brings the long promised post on using words that are bloody rude...

I met a friend's mum over Christmas and when she heard my "story from dark to light" she asked me some fabulous questions. (Quite a pentecostal background btw.) They were:
1. Have you received the Holy Spirit yet?
2. Do you speak in tongues yet?
3. Have you stopped swearing yet?
I laughed so hard. I then tried to to explain why I didn't think no. 3 was necessarily a necessity... she told me that I would be convicted in time.

The whole image of being changed when you become a Christian is an interesting one. Of course the point is that you are a new creation, standing in the grace of God. Things about life are going to look pretty different, the darker it was before the starker the change some may say. And I have talked a lot recently about how much I have changed. It's been fucking amazing actually, to look back and gasp in awe at the incredible effect knowing Jesus has had on my life.

But on the other hand, something cool one person said about it all was that I was utterly different yet more me than I had ever been. And one of the things about me was my creative linguistic expression. That and my desire and giftings for shocking other people.

Now. Don't hear that and think that my adamancy to explete stems purely from a willingness to be contentious. This has been something that has affected my interpretation of this issue but it has also been something that has been challenged as time goes by. From an early point of thinking it is hilarious to say that "God is fucking amazing" because I really felt that Christians were "stuck up their own arses" about swearing I have mellowed somewhat. In a way I wish I could still say that classic phrase but I feel more uncomfortable about it. Though I don't think it's the word so much as the capacity to belittle what I really think of God - making a point is not what praise should be about.

So, let me outline to you what I have discovered and pondered on as I make my journey from f'ing and blinding to slipping into alternative lingo without even realising.

Before I begin I must first deny that swearing is for "boring people". I have found it to be very creative and I also think that it does a very good job of emphasising things when it has to. I don't care what you say, there is a reason that they were invented and it wasn't to disempower communication. Most people don't like it because of the strength of the expression and whilst it can be quite sad to use the same vocab every other word the same can be said for people that blandly utter non-swear words and atleast the ones that do it aren't afraid of making an impression.

That said, it has little bearing on my thoughts. I found myself absorbed into a very Christian environment when I starting going to church in Switzerland. I love my pals there dearly and this really isn't about anyone in particular, actually a large part of this is to do with culture or should I say the mix thereof. So many people were shocked by my language. It is fair enough, I sort of cultivated it to shock (mostly my parents!) but at the same time I had never met people who genuinely were taken aback by it. Yet I sometimes felt very strongly that the reasoning behind the discomfort I caused was not because I was offending anyone in a really personal way but more because I was crossing an arbitrary line that they had down. It really depended vastly on the continent of origin of the person who was reacting but I suppose the argument was that it was an unholy way of speaking. And I just saw this as legalistic mumbo jumbo. I really couldn't believe that people gave a shit what words I would say when it was clear my motivation was not ill.

So I have to admit it became a bit of a thing that Kat(i)e did. There were those that really appreciated the "fresh of breath air" that I brought actually, believe it or not! The way I saw it, language is a tool and these words were able to bring comedy, expression, and challenge into situations. I felt that people needed shaking up and it was my job to do it. Like I said, I was always one to stir so why not incorporate that role from before into the Kingdom now?

I was challenged in this of course, sometimes rightly so, and as time went by my usage got whittled down and down and down.
The number one command is to be loving and I didn't want to cause offence to people, particularly strangers or the vulnerable, so doing it in public I felt had to be metered.
As for children, well they probably wouldn't get that I had theologically reasoned why I wasn't in the wrong and so I had to guard the impression that would make.
It goes without saying, though I better had, that it is never right to swear directly at someone in an abusive way.
God loves this world and every body and thing in it and to be disrespectful is not cool.
Phrase like "fucking cool" and "bloody brilliant" are only every meant to add emphasis. When talking about something genuinely bad I could add it there too but negativity in general is not cool so I don't think I condone it then either.
That said, I would sometimes tell Satan to "fuck off" but then I heard that even the angels were polite to him so I figured best not.
One person told me that they witness by not swearing in a swear heavy environment and I can totally dig that. If it shows you are different. I just stuck to my guns that I was showing I was different in a different way. That I was not subject to the arbitrary laws of the church (small 'c') that wanted to put people into a box.
A big thing I realised was the whole "stumbling block" issue in Romans and as I spoke to Christians that said they struggled with swearing and felt bad when they messed up I realised that my "job" wasn't to get them to be OK with it as for them swearing is a big deal and I had no right to lead them into a place of guilt.
All these things added up to a limited context where I could let it rip! I never did adhere to the whole "don't swear in church" thing as God is everywhere and his temple is no longer a building but me and if I can swear at home I can definitely swear in the big old pile of bricks down the road. I did continue to swear, around those who weren't grieved by me but only for me!

You may argue that the loving neighbours and brothers thing means that challenging other Christians to not be legalistic goes out of the window. I know what you mean, but I have to say I don't think it is that black and white. If we accepted people's existing thresholds as the place within which to function then we may never get to the real honesty of life or the stuff that God wants us to do that is truly important, as we are caught up on insignificant details. There is the story of Tony Campollo (sp?) who got up at a conference and talked about how shit it was that people were dying in Africa but that the really shit thing is the fact that people react worse to the swearing than the situation. He got banned and people are still dying in Africa 10 years on... I feel that within loving there is sometimes the need to be cruel to be kind and I refuse to accept that because people find something "unacceptable" that they should be allowed to always not accept it. If we all went at the pace of the slowest runner then progress would be appalling and sometimes the slow ones need motivation forward in order to grow.

That said. Being the lesser of two evils does not make something right. What arguments have I heard against me? (Now is the time to stop if you think this post in long enough!).

Well, the main points were taken straight from the bible, which I must admit is pretty strong. I will try and remember the best ones:

Ephesians 4:29 - 5:7 which talks about unwholesome words and coarse joking being obscene and unholy.
James 3:1-12 which is about taming the tongue and the power of the words that leave your mouth.
Matthew 15 where Jesus himself discusses what comes out of your mouths being the things that make you unclean.
I've probably heard more but I never made a list of them all (feel free to add any you think of) and I already think these are all good points. I also think that my response is not going to be changed by this argument for, as I see it, the way all of these counter mine is if I am swearing in a way that is motivated by cruel or unholy intentions. Which is not at all my point.

For you see, language is a tool. It has evolved over so many years and words have meant so many things that I cannot see how the utterance of one is objective since even the definition is subjective to time and place. Did you know that in Māori the word for coward sounds just like fucker? And when we use the word gay it used to mean happy, then homosexual and now, for many silly "laddish" cultures, rubbish. Surely the context of a word is the thing that gives it meaning and thus power? If I am using "fucking" or "bloody" as qualifiers, or saying "shit" to mean "no way?!" then does that actually proclaim a heart that is coarse or unclean? In this subjective environment, motivation must be the only thing that counts and if a person's motivation not to swear is because they think people will frown upon them, it doesn't mean that God cannot see the secret hate words of frustration that they mumble to themselves. Doesn't cheeky verbalised bant beat hidden and internal angst any day?

Some say that language may be this mutable thing but that, actually, it is defined by how society sees it and not how I want it to be seen. Apart from the fact that many other people in society use it the same way as me (for I didn't just make up "love-swearing" but rather adopted it) and we cannot possible decide who's opinion is more valid, I postuate that perhaps refusing to accept swearing as wrong can instead take the power out of the words and stop them from being able to spread hate.

I sat next to the national director of Agapé at dinner tonight (check me and my name dropping!) and I told his all of this. He came up with the same ol' chestnuts for a while but then he did offer a new gem which I was quite thoughtful on. Right back in the day (when people were still friends with dinosaurs) man was told to name the animals. This dude's idea was that perhaps, in our era of "post-modernism" where we all talk about language as being this mutable thing, maybe this is actually a lie that keeps us from the fact that words have got specific meaning because we give it to them. A lion is a lion, end of. We created this language and we can't just decide willy nilly that "shag", for example, doesn't talk about sex in a degrading way. The meaning is there and is fixed and, as we all know, words have power; maybe by hiding this power from humanity a clever ploy is under way to get us all cursing and bringing negative connotations in secretly. Maybe that is why campness is so stereotypically jovial - because being "gay" spoke of joy before bumming. (That wasn't his example by the way!) Now, I can't fully accept this because of the historic way languages have morphed and evolved and even biblically speaking the first definitions were changed at babel, but I can see what he says about a word's meaning hanging around even when the people present don't intend it to. Still, there must be a cross over point when a connotation is changed? I mean, I have met miserable gay people... plus the word "wicked" used to mean evil and now means great and I'm not convinced that that speaks curses over everything cool to be found in North-East London. Something to think about but by no means a definitive answer. And what, are we supposed to go with the flow and just use words as society intends us to? Letting the world put us in a box?

I actually have a theory, which I will throw in here seeing as the post is already ridiculously long. I have heard the word "shabba" said in tongues (Christian language of the Holy Spirit, kinda like a secret language with God) by quite a few people and apparently a lot them famous charismatic ones all say it, like a popular slogan. Make sense, if you hang out with the same people you use the same lingo. Now, if I get so excited I can't express it sometimes I just want to talk in tongues and you know what, I think that maybe "shabba!" is angel talk for "shit!" When meant in a good way. It is a holy exclamation! Why not, eh? We all need to blurt it out sometimes. After all, aren't tongues for when you run out of human words? Screw society and all it's definitions, I'll use holy words. I don't know what they mean at all, so noone can corrupt them!

Anyway. Back to "swearing". I use "" because I think that the current implicit connotation of "to swear" is negative and my point is that the words aren't necessarily and shouldn't be tarred so. Life in Jesus is meant to be about freedom, not regulation. I do think that I am truly free to do this and the pleasure of taking those words and knowing that I am not condemned to use them is pretty cool! I also think that I am far far far too adamant about it and that, actually, if I deem it so possible that those people who think swearing is objectively wrong are themselves wrong then it is contrapossible that myself deeming swearing to be subjective is also wrong.

I may or may not be right but what I am not is God and I feel, after arguing my corner and taking the anti-legalistic high ground for so long, that I have become legalistic about my right to swear. Also, I may well say it is about the heart and not the actual words, but if my motivation becomes fighting then I am not loving and I am not being cruel to be kind but merely to be right. Which is definitely a load of bollocks.

So, it is now time to surrender. To say that, despite the frustration at falling into the stereotype and the potentially unnecessary softness of Christian life, that I am prepared to do it anyway. Acceptable or not, maybe it is important right now that I don't swear, in the same way that it is important my friend's nan does. Or quite possibly that none of us should in our plight for purity. Whether language is mutable we could discuss till the cows come home... the thing that Jesus wants is for me to be mutable. I don't know that the Holy Spirit has convicted me to stop swearing but He has convicted me to be willing to, to be open to changing even this deep-rooted defining personal feature in order that I may take on the features of Jesus instead. And so, this lent I will be fasting all my fave words and I won't even use "bums" "tits" and "willies" in case they are displacement. I'll have a swear jar too, though the plan is for it to remain empty. I don't know how I'll feel about taking it up again after Easter and so tomorrow, on one final splurge as I leave pasturate, I may well have to bid them C U Next Tuesday! :-O

Diamonds Are Formed Under Pressure

2009-02-22T19:01:00.012Z

Disclaimer - I'm too tired to write coherently or concisely but it's now or never...

I just had the best Sunday. Went to a baptism in the morning, after which we had this really great party with lots of good food, sunshine, singsongs, dancing and all lovely stuff like that. The ceremony itself just had so much joy - four people took the plunge and each had such a special story. I know no-one's testimony is better or worse, each a magic part of kingdom history, but this one guy stood up there and told us about his life full of addiction and violence and total shit and said he gave his life to Jesus two weeks ago... It had been a bit more of a journey than that but the crux is that he said for the first time he now had a hope and that the darkness of it all had been broken by this light he never knew even possible. I suppose the thing about those really stark stories is that they can represent in a graphic image the reality of freedom that we all (can) have with Jesus. Darkness doesn't have to be obvious or even apparent in anyway to take a hold of a life and chain it all up. Loving the reminder. (Also loving the way I was sitting at the front right behind one of the baptisees who stood up and pulled down his jeans in front of me...! He was wearing shorts under but it was still *quite* unexpected.)

Talking about darkness... (and being in shock!)

I didn't make my deadline on Friday.

After a night of utter frustration, during which I was stupidly (nay miraculously) OK and able to keep afloat and I suppose jog on some (not running, that is too hardcore), I got to midday before I decided it wasn't possible anymore and I should prob go tell someone. But I'd kept at it till then, willing it to work. Crying out at times to take it all away (secretly hoping I would get hit by a car on my walk just enough that I could stop but not so bad it would hurt or have any long term detriment!) but then embracing the need to try and do my bit even if it didn't work out, so I felt like I had done all I could. At which point it still didn't work out.

How did that feel? Second time round, so sure, so joyful, so adamant that it would be a testimony to God's faithfulness like when Daniel went in that old den and Darius was dead impressed by the lack of death-by-lion. I didn't feel like my faith depended on it so much, more that those friends who saw me be so carefree and chilled would be a bit unimpressed if my God didn't rescue me. I wanted Him to work a specific miracle for what I thought it would be good for and I had set out very particular guidelines for how God should be honoured in this situation.

But I realise: it really isn't up to me to tell him how to roll. Actually, maybe this wasn't about God doing something that would impress all those people who I'd seen the day before but about what honour I personally could give to him. Maybe he wanted my affections in the dark situation rather than to "win people over" which, let's face it, He can do however He likes. There is a pretty sweet song by Ishmael - you must know him - which goes like this:

I praise the Lord when the sun comes out, but I won't if it get's too hot
I praise the Lord when it rains a little, but not if it rains a lot
I praise the Lord when things go my way, but I won't when the going is tough
I praise the Lord when I've plenty of cash, but I won't when I aint got enough

Obviously sarcastic. Brilliant. Friday I had to let go of the let down, relinquish the fear that I was going to fail, and just go with it and still trust. I don't like saying this 'cause I don't want to appear proud but at the same time I am delighted at the way in which depending on God drew me close enough to Him that when it turned sour it wasn't about giving up but about somehow trying to praise through it. Though I won't pretend it wasn't horrible and really gutting too at times and just utter emotional sleep deprived turmoil. Another song ('cause everyone else says it better) by another legend Graham K sums it up:

For the joys and for the sorrows, the best and worst of times
For this moment for tomorrow, for all that lies behind
Fears that crowd around me, for the failures of my plans
For the dreams of all I hope to be, the truth of what I am
For this I have Jesus (repeat 2.5 times for emphasis!)

My point? I don't know if it will ever get easy to give up on my plans... especially when this alternative involves continued pressure and an absolute lack of idea about the coming months and how I will possibly deal with further deadlines and exams and, well, life. But really when it comes down to it all these things will pass away and so once again I must look at the things that will not. He is the only thing.

I figure that if I did what I could and this still happened then it must the right thing, ergo be glad. I suppose that is the difference that the light makes: chases the dark out of situations so they haven't got the power to ensnare and destroy.

Don't get me wrong. I hate it a lot. Friday sucked ass and did threaten to break me. I hate not being free, I hate the stress and the excuses and the way in which I have to be needy and "special" and I wish I could see my friends freely and get involved in the homeless shelter (I'm not being holy, I like it there) and everything else I want to do. There's no point pretending life is amazing right now 'cause that will only devalue it all when it is amazing, but it is alright nonetheless. After all, there's a time to enjoy and a time to endure; a time to play and a time to work. But I don't mind the shit 'cause truly it does bring me closer to Jesus and I am by no means perfect but I ain't gonna lie, I am improving.

Being refined, duh, it is not going to be nice or quick or pain free and messless. But it is going to be incredible and as these deep foundations get laid and a seed is planted at the bottom of them a house can be built that will have fruit growing all around it (I like mixing my metaphors) and then it will be like a gingerbread cottage but instead of tempting and dangerous and far too indulgent it will be healthy and good and the right kind of natural sugars.

So walk, plod, run, crawl, skip, jog, shuffle, trudge, dance on. Which ever it is, as it gets me through the fire, I know I will not be burned.

Interval Training

2009-02-20T01:09:00.004Z

I'm pulling an all-nighter with only my facebook status for company. Progress is slow; peace is unprecedented; I feel like I might be giving birth to a miracle and it isn't half uneasy but so far I have not hit panic. The fear waved at me across the room but I put my finger up right back at it!

For I have decided to enjoy this. Nothing can get to me if I don't let it and I can't do anything to change the situation I'm in. Plus, this whole essay is about analogy and foundations - my two favourite things to write about! The people I have met today seem quite shocked by what I expect to achieve (currently at 9,500 words instead of 5,000 and only 2,500 of them are good, with the rest in a total mess which may not actually contain enough quality to salvage!) by 4pm tomorrow. I'm shocked at how much I'm not panicking or bothered right now and am blogging so I have it in writing that God has made a huge an utter difference in this situation. I used to go to bed to avoid the dread and skirt around the issue at hand in despair. Now it's like "what will be will be" then I plod on trying to do as little thinking as possible about anything else much and just marveling at the peace that passes understanding down in my heart.

I read something on this random running blog (like the running in the poem the other day, get it? Incidentally, I was walking behind a person today with a jumper that said "jog on" on the back and at the time I was listening to "Chasing Pavements" - I love stuff like that!) a few weeks ago about how the author found that she could not simultaneously love and hate something. I liked that. I like what I am doing my essay on so why on earth would I hate this? I get to spend the next 14 hours doing something I am interested in and passionate about. Hurrah! If I start to flag it is the perfect excuse to eat chocolate and drink real coffee!! It's like the bible when it says to love good and hate evil. That's in the Old T and the New T so you know it's important. I am not going to have contempt for this 'cause it is good. A good subject, points to good things, gives me good opportunities, draws me nearer to God (like good but capitalised and without the 'o'), has been the source of many good blessings (not that there is such a thing as a not-good blessing). I have no right at all to be despondent now. God wants me to delight and appreciate every minute, if not simply because I get to depend on Him a whole lot.

So I'm blogging when I said I wouldn't. Ah well, I also wrote the plan for a whole novel this afternoon! Remember how I prayed that I would not be inspired to create - no songs, no poems, no dances(!)...? Well I have surpassed all this and jotted down 4,000 words worth of ideas. I'm not claiming it was necessarily God but it was pretty exciting. I never thought I would be the type to write a proper story like that.

I'd rather have a book than an essay... but I'd sooner have both. Back to it...

The End Is Nigh II

2009-02-18T23:49:00.004Z

I already have a post called 'The End Is Nigh'. I don't know what that was about... I suppose it just goes to show I am melodramatic.

I am about to embark on the last proper night of sleep I will have before this 4pm deadline on Friday is met. All the washing up is done, ready for me to just do what I need to do unhindered in the kitchen department. I can't be sure but I reckon this will be the last post I write until then.

Which means that this is a turning point. Next time you hear from me I will be one of two things:
1) A person with 1/6 of her degree completed
2) A person with a problem
The plan is that either one of these things could be God's will for my life, to draw me closer to Him and bring about His Kingdom on earth, and so I want the one that happens to that one. The secret plan is that I want it to be number 1) but I'm not supposed to be presumptuous! Either way, no problem is too big or too small for God to gladly help out with.

Hmmmm. I confess I am afraid. I am praying that this won't continue, so that should deal with that hopefully. I am also praying that I won't feel the need to "capture my final moments" through the medium of song. Or choreography (I have started dancing recently but this is one thing that definitely does not aspire to leave my living via the interweb!). Or anything else at all that could be a "worthy" alternative to being that person with 1/6 of a degree (or in this context a person that hasn't wasted the opportunity to have a whole degree). Yeah, God, confidence and uncreativity is what I want. Please. If that's alright.

I'm also trying to claim Daniel's education in my prayer life. I can't really compare this to be thrown to the lions but I am drinking a lot of water and I got my vegetable box delivered on Monday so we live on a similar diet.

But it is time for bed. So I bid you so long, farewell and that I will see you on the other side. I really could not say what is going to happen next. I enter a foggy place where possibilty and impossibility are undetermined and divine intervention potential but unspecified. I have no strong sense that all will come together, neither that it won't. I just pray that through this ominous mist I will know God's support and love so much that the worth of every painful stumbling shuffle forward will be fully apparent.

One Whole Year

2009-02-17T23:05:00.006Z

It's been a vast expanse of a day. Academic and personal developments... it all comes at once, seemingly.

Starting on a big fat wad of joy I have to say I think that for now I've come back to being on top of it all. So glad to be spending some ace quality time with God recently, loving reading the word again and generally feeling good! I say this straight because it ain't that common and it is fabulous when it seems as real and peaceful as this. I have even been working with an attitude of doing it for God despite what I can achieve wordlyly, which is not at all how I felt a few days ago... so I'm lovin' it while I can..!

I don't really know how much to share. I'm gonna do what I normally do and go for honesty over restraint, which I may regret later but the worst that can happen is I look stupid... and there is no shame in the Kingdom!

Today is a significant one in the personal calendar of Kat(i)e because it is exactly a year since the last time I saw someone who used to be one of, if not the, most significant person in my life (they're not dead mind). There is tons of history I have no interest in going into but the short version is that I feel I was moved to Switzerland because God was taking me out of this really unhealthy dependent relationship so I could get free! Which has happened in a huge way. So huge that I never in my wildest dreams would have predicted it and back then the idea of life without him was as scary and alien to me as scary aliens.

So this morning I wondered about if I should wonder about it. 3 years is a long time in the life of a 21 year old (especially as I don't remember most of the early ones) so part of me felt like I should register and ponder on what it all means. The truth was, I didn’t know how I felt. How should I commemorate this? Write a song, an extra verse for another song, a poem, a novel, a play? I still have aspirations for a musical but the plots lines are more befitting of a soap opera than an actual opera! A fake letter, a real letter, pour my heart out into a journal that nosey grandkids may read? Perhaps I should blog I thought; I dismissed this for a time but it seems I have cracked...! Thing is though, it all felt a bit like an obligation and as I tried to express I really had nothing to think. This memory belonged to someone so distant from me it didn't make sense to analyse. I wasn't interested. I wasn't even sure what was real and I didn't care either.

Of course this lack of interest interested me! I got pretty darn excited by the fact I didn't give a damn. A new sense of freedom flooded me and I wrote a journal, a poem, a song AND a verse about moving on! And now a blog...

So is that it? Well no, 'cause that's untested. I am fine, see me smile. Later in the day (about an hour ago actually) I came a bit more earthward and felt swamped by life (specifically the aspects pertaining to the philosophy of maths). Still impressively (not my ability but I am grateful for it) undespairing but kind of morose, I leave the library an unhappy mathematician. Momentarily overwhelmed I wanted to cry quite a lot. And so I settle into my ipod for the trudge home with this message ringing in my ears:

"It Must Have Been Love but it's over now. Save Tonight, 'cause I'm Lost Without You and tomorrow you'll be gone, Leaving me working my way Through The Dark. This Same Girl is Still With You so please just Stay Another Day 'cause You may be Forgiven but you'll never be Forgotten. I Still Miss Someone and They Can't Take That Away From Me."
You know what? Sometime random is just wrong. I kept skipping tracks and I kept finding numbers that wanted to indulge my inner Mood Indigo... but instead I Dried My Eyes. I'm well out of the dark actually, I Suddenly Saw a long time ago and have been On My Way From Misery To Happiness for ages. The only person I ever have and ever will be Lost Without is J.E.S.U.S., Yes! He is my First, Last, My Everything. I Walk Away and I realise that That's What The Love of God Can Do. That's what the love of God did do. Hence the feeling like I'm living in a Whole New World.

I'm always going to hit these low moments, especially when I am in the process of being refined, no sense in denying it. But how good does it feel to know that this particular era of self-indulgent misery is in the past! I can find plenty of other ways to throw myself a pity party but that door seems to be officially closed and I am so glad I got to both realise and confirm it. Also, I know that with the highs comes the lows and that is just the "egg-card" balance (obscure Brit-TVAd reference). I don't mind. When I'm up I'm too optimistic to fret it and when I'm down I can look forward to being back up!

So umm, I don't really have a concluding paragraph. Ah well, you can read the poem if you're that way inclined. It's one of them ones with 'looser structure':

One whole year
366 days
Such a lot can happen
Priorities change
Yesterdays fade and make space
To embrace a different Way
What a cliché
“Year ago today”
Do I really care?
Is it not just obligation that recalls?
The tiny details of the past
They make a nice contrast
But that’s all

The only use of pain as I see
Is a reminder of how I came to be free
Do not dismiss the reality of misery
But embrace it, to mark the path to liberty

A milestone
Who’d have thought that I was built for endurance?
Long distance seems so boring
And hard
It will surely wear me down before long

But long has gone
My legs grew strong
And as I came to love the run I looked around
At what I would have missed were I still underground
From the rising to the setting sun
Trees in fields, mountaintops, valleys glisten with dewdrops
Now I’d welcome that flock of sheep
That I once feared when lost
I was asleep
Eyes shut, arms crossed

Then suddenly they were opened
and the glare ached
Until the spots had cleared and revealed the Truth
I though my heart would break
but instead it was renewed

What would I say
if I went back
a year ago this very day?
Crocodile tears are all that I could offer while my former cried
Quite estranged

So I write to recognise the inconceivable distance I've come
Not to revisit some long gone strife
Done with that, I celebrate Life

Ha ha!

2009-02-16T10:54:00.002Z

When I write I tend to do a bit here and there, hopping all over the place to different sections as I think of things and then spending most of my time cutting and pasting (or just cutting). I have over 26 pages... just only about 4 of them are useful thus far!

I was inspecting some random collections of my words: half written paragraphs, phrases, bullet points, notes to myself etc, just now and two jumped out at me as particularly amusing. Sorry to be quoting myself, I just laughed out loud and, since I am currently on a break, I figured I'd share:

"The thing about language is that it is always so very"

"CHECK - not quite wrt [with respect to] reality yet"

You may not appreciate this as much as I do but you just spent time reading it anyway, so there!

pray praY prAY pRAY PRAY!

2009-02-15T22:47:00.005Z

Don't forget how much it changes things. DO IT! Wow, does it change things. God is there and interactive and as we ask for things (and sometimes seek and hammer on doors for them) the most incredible stuff happens. Wow do they happen!

I just got exhorted. Can you tell? If I remember I'll put the link up but find it at http://www.woodlandschurch.net/ sometime soon otherwise. This guy is a good speaker, overtly charismatic (I am suspicious of all things charming) but real with it; raises a smile... and an eyebrow... and a response.

There is lots to share and comment on, not least battling with encroaching legalism, I don't have time now 'cause bed is calling me and I am beyond processing. However, remember that prayer really is about relationship and hanging out with God... but also that it can make INCREDIBLE differences in the world now and The Kingdom forever.

PRAY!!! Even if you don't believe it don't matter, 'cause it isn't a trick of the mind actually!

Don't despair at the difficulty and incredible responsibility it brings though. My favourite way to pray is "please help me pray" (it's my favourite way to do anything actually). The rule of willingness being the most important thing is still applicable here. Not by my might or power but by His spirit - that one never stops being true. One time I was at a night of prayer and getting totally depressed and wanting to give up and die (or at least go to bed and cry). At one point I was supposed to be praying for someone and all I could say was "bless her bless her bless her" lots and lots. Sometimes it doesn't really matter what we do, just that we do it. Sure sometimes we also gotta go for it big guns, but always only by His guidance and propulsion, so just roll wid it...

The key is to be ready to roll. People say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I beg to differ. I rather think that the road to heaven is paved with good intentions. All we can do is "mean well", that is to say 'I am willing but unable', and then good old JC steps in with His Holy Ghost posse and does the rest in us, for us and through us. The Kingdom is brought about by our choice to have good intentions so don't let that ol' idiom get you down, 'tis lies I tells ya!

Maths and Fighting!

2009-02-15T13:07:00.006Z

Re: "Clarity Restored": I meant extensibility not extendability. Which I think are interchangeable and both different from extensionality.

This is really pants. I swear my tutor said one and wrote the other. Well, I suppose I am just going to have to roll with it and pray (and perhaps ask a human person just to make sure). I've had a good day in assorted coffee shops though, 2,000 words down!! (Which may actually be a bad thing as I don't know how close I am to half way :-S) Ho hum, we are content and pretty darn peaceful :o)

I also wonder if there is truly a difference between "real" and "apparent" paradoxes... bloody mathematicians and all their silly nuances.

Was doing kids work this morning, it was ace, we were talking about The Great Commission. I love this church... there are enough adults out there that don't talk about that (which is a bit silly since it is The Last Thing Jesus Ever Said and not quite "P.S. Please put the cat out") and I got to supervise the making of documentaries about miracles, dramas about the defeat of Satan and posters about how much Jesus can change your life and bring salvation! They then prayed for help when it gets hard and spent some time learning to hear God's voice - talk about raising up an army!

Now this is extensibility applied to something infinite and eternal.

Happy Love Day!

2009-02-14T19:50:00.015Z

I wasn't going to do it but the opportunity for a Valentine's post was just too much!

I have this male friend who likes to send Valentine cards to his girly friends every year. I think he just thinks we would like it. He texted me earlier this week to see if I was still cool with it. The way he asked really quite annoyed me: the friendly (and that is all there is to it) suggestion was that in my "prettiness" (wasn't even about my all-round fabulousness, grrrrrr) I shouldn't not get one. I turned it down as politely as I could.

Where to begin?! Shallowness aside and ignoring the assumption that I wasn't going to receive any otherwise (I get the irony that I am bothered by this!), I have to say that I really do take offense to the idea that a girl's (nay person's) worth is measurable by whether someone sends them a [fake] sentiment on a predestined occasion! A crappy festival where most of the messages in cards these days are rude or suggestive and almost all the motivation is consumer driven. I can't believe how much people will spend to try and impress their partners at the time of year when everything is more expensive (I used to work in a florist, it is shocking) and any gesture made is more than likely to be mass produced.

I'm trying not to sound bitter at being alone on Valentine's Day. I'm really not, singleness is something I sometimes struggle with (though the idea of not being is often a lot more scary!) but today of all days I am glad to be out of that mess. I can take my moral high ground without having to worry about being chuffed at what my boyfriend does for me, or being narked if it isn't original enough, or being shocked by how much he spent, or quietly disappointed that he didn't think I was worth more...! It is a right ole mess. Even if you decide together to not buy into it I reckon the pressure from couples around you whispering that you aren't as "in love" as they are would be a bit of a bind.

Awww. Poor cynical Kat(i)e. I want to see the good in these things, I really do. But the stock's been out since straight after Christmas, we are in the middle of a credit crisis (though granted that is old news and people don't want it to spoil their "fun") and too many people are in relationships that are stop gaps because they are lonely and afraid of not getting a Valentines... what is with this "love" culture..? 'Cause then of course you end up with a load of broken hearts and baggage and fear and old cards with cheap sentiments that people won't throw away or accept that it wasn't never that good but even if it was it's over now; and all this gets fed round the cycle again into more fragile even less sincere relationships with increasingly vulnerable and damaged people. Oh the sadness.

I've been reading Stuff Christians Like, which I do sometimes and it can be pretty good. They had this "share about being dumped" post which was quite interesting (though several of people's comments were either far too open or still bitter. I, of course, found just the right balance...!). One girl said that her boyfriend told her that God told him to give her up like Abraham did with Isaac. He actually drove her off in his car somewhere quite remote to do it - I'd have gotten out screaming! The thing with that though is I don't really think that God would say: "I'm asking you to give Sally (random name) up so that when you show you are willing to I will give her straight back to you." Duh. He was wrong in the end, they didn't have a reconciliation and give birth to a nation. Probably for the best, brains like that.

I bet everyone has at least one crappy relationship story. Mostly best unshared, nay unremembered. I tell you, there are a lot of reasons to be glad for singleness! Bring on the convent...

Though perhaps I've bought too strongly into this stance of independence and it all seems a little too much like the fear I described above. Having started to take my lead from nuns these days it's quite ironic, don'tcha think, that my all time favourite one chucked it in for a bloke: "Climb Every Mountain!"

A little too soon to be worrying that I am heading toward self-inflicted spinsterhood, me thinks. Still, gotta love it when a running theme follows to it's logical conclusion and bites you on the bum! ;-)

Clarity Restored

2009-02-13T20:30:00.005Z

Extendability and Extensionality are very similar words. They mean very different things: the former that if you ever have any set you can generate another from it; the latter that if two collections have identical members then they themselves are the same.

This was the confusion with my essay. Particularly confusing as in different contexts both were paired (as potential axioms) with two other concepts: Totality and Comprehension respectively, which are not very similar words at all but both mean basically the same thing - that if "some" (starting at zero) things share a common property we can bunch them together as a collection or set. (If you want to know the difference between a set and a collection then you'll have to read my coursework... available on demand after 4pm next Friday, lol! Needless to say, a set is NOT a completed collection.)

At some indeterminate point, possibly inconsistently, I ended up merging the first two things together... ending up last week at a total logical impasse and having to give up writing and get an extension. I got all muddled and, well, there was no way I could find the answer myself in all that mess. Yet, having spoken to my tutor for all of 5 seconds, it was SO CLEAR what was wrong. Duh.

Sometimes we really need people in the know that can speak into our lives. I was well stressed about asking for help but when I did everything was sorted out in an instant. We have to be prepared to listen though and I only was when I got desperate!

This was the answer to so much prayer. Not just that I would be able to get clarity but that I would be able to fully rescue my theories. I liked my essay plan so much, I didn't want it to be wrong but there was just no way, when I broke down every stage into the purest logic known to anally-accurate-mankind, that it could be redeemed. Then, in an instant, all the seeming impossibility was ejected and I was back in the game! There was no hope and then there was loads. It didn't matter that in my mind there was no way back... He just pulled something unexpected and totally unpredictable out of the bag and: Hey presto! Magic. Yet, actually just life.

Always keep in mind that something you don't know about yet could make everything entirely different in an instant.

Lots of other cool things happened this week... but they are a secret!

Felicitations!

2009-02-12T14:17:00.007Z

Today is a very special day in BabyGotBrit-land. A sort of "national holiday" as it were: it is the joint birthday of two of my most special people and of BGB's most prolific readers!

So Happy Birthday, Joyeux Anniversaire, Feliz Cumpleaños to My Mum and Miss Spitfire.

Hope you're both having a lovely time in your respective cities. I will look forward to talking with you shortly...

x x x

Inspired by a Fictional Nun

2009-02-12T12:45:00.010Z

New developments in the never ending saga that is my Philosophy essay (my, what a boring saga that is) are underway so I suppose I had better fill you in on where things got left off, a week ago tonight, when I realised that despite all the hope in the world I was not going to get it done... I'm finally sharing the relevant parts of the post I wrote last weekend before I went slightly awol and had to wait till I was back in the game so it wasn't false enthusiasm. Here goes:

Jean Jacques Rousseau may have had ADHD but I bet he didn't have deadlines

Ok. A side note. I am starting think that my attitude of "I can't but it's OK 'cause God can" may have been slightly self-defeating and perhaps not the most helpful. Not allowing for the idea that God's input might come from who I've already been created as, instead of all success arriving in an external miraculous bang. I was so sure that CBT is science's discovery of faith, I forgot I can still have faith in myself. Not in myself to be great objectively but in myself as made in the image of a clever, creative God. So I will take that and move ahead with a different outlook, thanks to some good chats with my mum. Believing in God doesn't mean I should stop believing in me, I am after all a subset (part of the body of Christ) and therefore the first implies the second!

But that lesson is a part of what God has been doing and so I can't regret not applying it sooner. I must simply look at what has come to pass and learn from it... and this seems to be one of many things to learn.

As it stands I have an extension till next Friday (20th) and many thanks for the support from my university. My tutor told me weeks ago that Jean Jacques Rousseau (bit of a fave of mine and from Geneva don'tcha know!) had ADHD and he just managed it with working on loads of things at once... when it went a bit tits up I said to him that thing what I wrote above and he totally agreed and has been really helpful. I have an ace doctor and everyone seems to want to facilitate my "special needs" so that, even though I do hate it, at least I can get over myself and ask for help.

It has been pretty irritating that I am still in this place. Still not secure in my ability to succeed, still not being able to socialise freely (though I have some amazingly support friends and family so that is cool), still under pressure. Still totally dependent...

But I have come to the conclusion that that is where God wants me. Indeed, this whole "I'd rather not, but..." attitude is *quite* silly I realise. If it is what God is doing then absolutely it is the best place to be so I have got to stop begrudgingly accepting those things that I would not choose for myself as some kind of self-sacrificing act. His purpose being worked out is the only sensible option to seek and to be anything other than totally grateful is a bit ridiculous... especially as the occurrence of things you would tend to avoid must be when God has specially put them in place to make sure they happen, meaning He is making a specific personal effort in our lives so that we get what we need. Ergo, thanks for everything!

So actually, last Thursday night life was alright. I won't say I was amazing and had complete integrity, I had a big moment where I panicked and despaired and was grateful for a wise sister to speak truths into my life, but I then found this miraculous peace and the joy I had spoken of earlier that day. Which was not me. That is, it didn't come from within.

The reason I say that is 'cause I have been in this place before. As I alluded to, the semi-diagnosis of ADHD has been no surprise because every year since I can remember, whenever "deadline time" came round, my world would fall apart. It's the reason I failed at uni my first first year, then had minor breakdowns the next two years, then took a gap year (where my world was rocked!) to take a breather. I have so many memories of "night before" 's even from before my GCSE's (school at age 14-16): that feeling of panic, despair, resolution, apathy. I had all these techniques (one of my favourites being clothes shopping in ASDA at midnight) for escape or distraction. It became the scariest thing in the world as time slowly brings round the moment where you know it is all on the line and you almost certainly can't make it better. I had so much fear in being a student and having to face this. I love the idea of academia but I just stopped being able to cope with attainment.

So coming back to uni, finally with clarity about why this happens and "fortunately" with a new found faith, I knew what I had to do was trust in God. Trust Him to find me treatment, trust Him to be my treatment, trust (this was a whisper but was never a truly considerable fact) that if I failed it would be the right thing. When I had my first presentation that required me to read and understand this really difficult subject I felt like if it didn't happen all my faith would die, because I knew I was so dependent on His help - it just about came together. The second time I knew it would be horrible but that it would happen and I could feel how my faith was growing. (I have this great analogy to do with my broken shower. If I never end up giving it then do ask me in person.) This essay at the end of the course became the crux of the issue. Those tiny other things all building up to this big moment where all my hope is pinned on Him and how knowing Him changes my life: from failure and despair to success and delight.

And I couldn't do it. Not even a bit, the bottom fell out of my point leaving me with no hope of reformulating my essay over night. I don't understand anything else in this course at all so this was the only hope for... AND, the amazing part is, I was glad.

In the run up to Friday I was learning A LOT. In particular seeing how my faith did not depend on finite, here and now successes, 'cause the really important stuff is the eternal. It went through my mind as I wrote about this then that actually, perhaps the only was I would know this to be true is if I could experience it. Don't tell me I sabotaged myself, believe me I was all about closure on this baby, but I can SO see how God knew this would be right for me. For one thing, now I know for a fact that my faith is bigger than what my degree has thus far chucked at me. This is a milestone in intimacy and security with God. This is truly astounding!

'Cause knowing Him does change my life. It change the very definition of failure and it wipes out capacity for distress. This is where peace that passes understanding comes from. Following Jesus isn't about life going better; sometimes it's even worse (caged animals don't get hunted). It's about what is important being so utterly altered that in the face of anything horrible, joy can flow. Only one thing we know cannot be touched by the world but that is the only thing that matters anyway - our way to God and the relationship that is enabled because of that.

I think that God is picking off my fears one at at time. To steal an ideal from Mother Superior in 'The Sound of Music' (for which I will not apologise), you cannot escape your fears by running away (back to the Abbey). Even if you run to God, you can't then expect everything to no longer be there, you have to face them. So, like Maria with Captain Von Trapp, I see that God has been doing just that in me. He isn't always going to be our hiding place. There as a refuge, we must then take the strength He gives that enables us to face our fear, so that it can never again have a hold, no matter how dangerous our surroundings.

I used to be afraid of rejection, so I had to experience it in my post-tenebras era (I didn't even intend to put myself on the line... I suppose that was the point!); I hated the idea of performing in public in case I sucked, so when I did, I did! (the Halloween gig, I'm not exaggerating it was *quite* a disaster but it didn't actually matter!); I dreaded disappointment so it just kept coming 'til I realised that I have hope in more important things... now I stare failure in the face and I don't even flinch. Well, not at this minute anyway. I don't suppose I am done with as yet! The point is, though, that these things may seem scary and like nothing has changed but because I am different they don't have the same effect, the power is taken away.

So I can look back at those times, see what it was God has done, and be actually grateful. As my friend Jenny points out, maybe I am sometimes just analysing too much and need to wait till I get a complete perspective from the vantage point of being further up the road. (She didn't say it exactly like that but poetic license...!) It is true. I now get what was happening then, I feel like I may understand what happened last Thursday night, I have no idea what will possibly be the net result of this whole affair (nay my life!) but I can rest assured that it will be totally the best thing 'cause that is what God promised.

So I am setting myself against "I'd rather not, but..." 's, not because I think that it is possible for me to achieve that amazing holy status by making the decision to, but because I haven't actually got a clue what my alternatives really are and I don't want to begrudge, even for a moment, what amazing progress God has in store... I mean look at Maria: she married a rich, sexy captain who could sing!

Sharing The Love I: Stumble Upon

2009-02-11T15:31:00.002Z

A new category for cool things I find online that I think people may like.

Be prepared to waste your whole day with 'Stumble Upon'... Add it, download the toolbar, set your preferences, click... and learn/procrastinate.

http://www.stumbleupon.com/

"Snaps" to Lizzie for this one! :o)

DTR

2009-02-10T22:22:00.007Z

I like all the flavours of jelly babies now. I used to have favourites, and leasts, eating them in reverse order (unless I was sharing!) and always ending on the blacks. Now I like each one for it's own qualities and can gladly mix it up. I have no point... for this part of today's post I am going to have a competition. The most interesting analogy wins a packet of jelly babies!

Other things about how I am changing... I have spent most of my 22nd year wishing and then thinking I was 23. I don't know why. Some kind of fallacy that I would be better at 23? A classic "not enjoying where you are at" moment which leaves me with 2 months to go till I actually am 23 wondering what 22 is like. I feel like I have missed out on being truly myself for want of fitting into another mould.

Yeah, coming into a better place with identity is defo a trademark of this year. I remember thinking when I was 14 (being quite mature for my age as I was!) that I was not going to change from now and had "found myself", which I have come to recognise as hallmark for being insecure and thus asserting security. Now I wake up every day and think that I am nowhere near being "right". Which I think is perhaps the only hope I will ever have at being true to myself, knowing that I'm not. This whole identity in Christ part of being a Christian has spoken to me a lot, as I observe all the other places I have tried to put my identity over time and realise that the only good option is something that doesn't ever change (whilst already being great!) and won't let you down. So much of the pain that comes out of relationships that end is from letting your identity become fixed in a person so that when they are gone it feels like you are too. I suppose that is what I think the difference is now, as a Christian. The way I see it we are all looking for something to hook onto as our security, that is sort of a trait of humanity and we try it everywhere from romance to jobs to appearance... but if we choose anything fallible we will lose it eventually and feel lost ourselves. By putting it in Jesus I suddenly find that there is something unchanging in my world and, actually, the idea is that as I am inevitably changing it is (hopefully) to become more like Him and so in a sense I'm stabilising in my fluctuations.

Yeah. That is what I am loving today as the analogy. OSCILLATION. I feel like I am oscillating to some central point in which I have potential to be truly secure. Like a centre-of-gravity. Some wise bloke once said to my brother-in-law (who is, by the by, also wise) that balance is not a good thing. Trying to keep these really opposite features of your life in some kind of polarised precarious distribution is just totally contrary to having a holistic existence where everything is centred around one thing. There is no sustainability in it either, if you look at systems of inertia you can find an arrangement that keeps level when these far flung masses are in place but it doesn't take much to topple it and if you have close together forces they will have a lot more substance for the equivalent moment. That's science and I can't begin to explain it. If you don't understand then ask my dad.

That was a bit of an aside. Sorry if I confused things. This oscillating to a central point looks sort of like starting off really far away in one direction then going far in the other then turning back but less extremely and continuing as such in decreasing amounts... It's a dampening effect. Sort of imagine a ball bouncing and getting less and less (except that it finally stops in mid air). Or maybe a swing which has a big first push but then your friend gets bored. I have been doing this: I started off insane; I suddenly saw all these things I need to change; I got really worked up about it all and began to disregard who I am to the extreme of losing everything unique and lovable about me; I then realised I'm actually great and swung back; then I wanted to become more holy; then I realised I was being legalistic and so rebelled; now slowly I sort of get God's love for me and am coming closer to him but maybe not understanding loads of His nature; as such I am reminded of my academic issues and try to reason it through; in this I realise some kind of deep-rooted respect for His law and concepts and can't shake what He's done for me... Coming eventually (is the plan) to some sort of more centralised place which I think might be my identity in Christ. Not "there" at all you understand but it feels almost like things are beginning to fall into place enough that I am really noticing it. A spiral is a good image and also a mathematically equivalent one so feel free to use it.

How is this revealing itself in my life here and now then? Well, the voice stuff is going well, I was excited by my first "session" today and look forward to working on that more. I am delighted to find out that I can do a bit of careful singing (only in church like and around the house but I was not really refraining very well so now I can do it a bit with permission I am less likely to do it too much naughtily) and talking I am beginning to find a good level in. As far as general group interaction goes I think that actually I have gotten a lot better. I have more security in what I do and don't share, it is still pretty forward and I can at times be overly tangential (the optimal amount being anecdotal but not overbearing) but I feel like I have matured in that. Sounds really odd, I suppose the context is that I found it quite hard to be in a new group of people when I got back (like church groups, that's where I've been tonight you see) and almost feeling like I could not control my "input" then feeling bad and generally like it was a far less accepting environment than Geneva when everyone cut me a lot of slack! It was totally well timed as part of my development but has been really tricky and today I have not come home feeling like I over did it - both physically and socially. OK, I still may have said things a bit too flippantly (like how I think that we should be like bible times and only hang out with same sex groups!) but I also had some useful insights about forming relationships with the opposite sex (too much to say now but I am tempted to blog another this time, I know a lot about it and tonight has helped formulate my thoughts) that seemed to come out almost concisely!

So yeah, DTR. Define The Relationship. Sort of more relevant to the topic with pasturate which I haven't really gone into but also, in a far more significant albeit convoluted way, about Defining my Relationship with Jesus. As I get into a more stable place it is like "we" are getting tighter and the benefit of a centralised grounding for that means that I feel less "wobbly". Despite all my crap of late, I do feel less wobbly, almost as though it has brought me closer in and thus better off!

Sort of a side note to all this, but I'm gonna do it anyway, is looking at relationships in general. I've realised my "significant other" is my blog. I've also realised I'm not sure I'm happy about this. I don't mean that I'm ready for an actual bf (though my hair is getting longer!) but I just feel a bit frustrated. I mean, if I put this much time into a person relationship I would expect something back. Not sure where this is going but there feels to be a certain amount of love lost between me and BGB right now and if things carry on this way I may opt for a "break". I mean, I do have a life of my own and I think I may wish to build into relationships that are not, to all intents and purposes, me talking to myself.

On an actual side note, but I'm just really excited, I got a new bible! If you recall I mentioned how I lost my NLT that I had as a "youth" and had restarted using when I got back to England. It left me a) sad and b) not sure what to do. I wanted a bigger one than my pocket NIV and I kinda wanted a study bible which was a different version for comparison, but which to get? I mentioned before that I didn't really know about versions and heard different things from different people all the time. If there's nothing that annoys me more is someone being adamant that theirs in the best (or conversely that others definitely aren't!) so seeking advice was hard! But I just really naturally bought an NLT Study Bible yesterday which sort of happened randomly and "felt" right. It's the newest study out and I liked the NLT before. Plus, were it not for me losing my last one I wouldn't have been able to justify getting this. I don't think it's more "right" than others but I do like their policy of a translation that is accurate but reads for now (without being super casual) as that is sort of the point of translating isn't it? That it come across as best as possible in the new language. Similar to the original in terms of style but without necessarily being about direct interpretations. Whatever, I didn't do any of that really, I just went with my gut and this made the most sense in the shop. I like it. I'm gonna get my mum to make me a leopard print cover!! Oh yeah, a verse that is ace and the reason I brought up bibles:

Lamentations 3: 20-26

I probably just needed to put that link and be done with it. Maybe that's what I'll do with baby...

I (still) Do

2009-02-08T23:02:00.008Z

Right. I'm online at 2303 and I am choosing to blog now while I have this quasi-warm fuzzy feeling. It seems only fair to God to blog when I have joy as well as when I don't, else it will be all unbalanced like.

Incredibly long evening sermon today. Good, nice stories, easy listening, encouraging message... just LONG. Couple of people prayed for me for the week ahead - I've had several hands on me head so I'm all set. Heard a really good Christian trivia (one day I will have a collection of them but that sounds like far harder work than I am prepared to do for now) about oxen too: apparently 2 together pull 27 times as much load as one on it's own. Twenty-seven! That helps me think about being, what's it called, yoked up with the big JC.

Right. Let's cut to the chase. I've officially fallen into a major faith crisis. I can't be arsed to go into the details now, who knows if it will last and it is quite late. Plus, I don't know that I can say it in a nice way and I don't want to offend anyone. However, this is my thinking about it:

A lot of what it is going on is things that I struggled with before Geneva. About how God made us sinful then went and offered us a way out of the condemnation that He created us under in the first place and we're supposed to just accept that and be grateful. OK, I went and said it. In brief anyway, the nature of my doubt isn't really the point. This is something that used to hold me back and, well, it sort of melted into the background in Geneva but it never totally went away. My priorities changed and I could accept things that I didn't understand in light of what I did. Now I am here and it is forwards again and it gets to me. I sit in that church where I used to live (in flats built above, I never used to go though) with this as a genuine struggle and it is easy to come back to that place in my head and wonder why on earth I am now up for trying to be one of "them" when I still don't necessarily agree with some fundamental stuff. And I have an answer to my question.

I got married to Jesus on the 25th May 2008. That is, I got baptised. This means that I effectively said "for better for worse". So now, when I am in that church with my doubts as big and bad if not worse than before, I am sticking to it. 'Cause that is what marriage is about. (This only works, by the way, if you believe that marriage isn't about always being in love but about choosing someone and working at it even in the face of real crapness.)

The analogy isn't perfect. There is no way you can end up with someone that isn't "right for you" or that He will change in this relationship - Jesus, if He is, will be right for everyone and never change. There is no chance of failure on these grounds. I can still dump Him but I figure that the only way this is justified under the strength of the phrase "till death us do part" (nay, the only reason I'd want to under the premise of eternal life) is:
a) He cheats on me. Which is kinda unlikely by definition - everyone can marry Him!
b) He abuses me. Which, by the premise that we don't always know what love from our finite perspective looks like, is frankly annoying hard to prove.
b) He isn't actually real. Which would be an annulment and totally valid I think - you can't marry someone that isn't real.

But I can't use doubt as evidence for Him not being real, 'cause faith wasn't evidence to believe. None of the facts of the situation have changed since we hooked up, no reason to know any better either way. Faith was what I used to make a commitment in the same way that one commits to a husband (or wife); all the doubts or let downs (real or apparent) were in potentia when I said 'I Do'. Sometimes you don't want your husband spouse anymore (well, I can only imagine but it seems *quite* likely that people get to that place at least for a time in their marriage) but that doesn't change what you said at the start and it wasn't totally unthinkable at the time. You have to work at these things when the love or the certainty fades.

Now, if Jesus was a fallible man (or woman) then this would not be as easy to state. The fact is, He is not going to walk away from me if I get on His nerves too much or don't pull my weight (nor just be a mean bastard). This is no reason to not try but it is a comfort in a place of confusion. OK, it may be a "reason" to not try when I'm in a place of apathy but I am trying to not let that happen too many hours in the day.

There may be something that one day counts as evidence for God's non-existence. Then He can consider us over. But the difference between now and before, though the doubts look the same, is that I am committed. So I am not waiting for proof with faith in His lack of existence (for I believe it takes faith to decide no to God) but instead I have faith in his existence (albeit sinusoidal) and would need actual proof of non-existence in order to walk. Without which I am committed to the worse, in the real hope that it will one day be better forever.

I can see why Derek was so keen for me to get dunked...!

Try Hard

2009-02-08T18:42:00.005Z

It’s so hard for me to get that He appreciates that I try. I mean, really, I just can’t get how trying can be that important.

Is it the world telling me that I need to succeed or is it that I really really want this? Either way, it takes a long time for me to grasp the idea no matter how often I have heard it.

Enough people have said things to me about how it is the service that counts and not the result. He isn’t interested in how I come out of this (I mean, He cares but that probably isn’t the thing that’s going to deepen our relationship) but only wants to know that my heart is in the right place. That is, before His throne.

Yet I am still not listening. Not been taking this detail in at all until just now.

Now I finally see.

Problem is that, actually, I’m not sure my heart is before His throne. Not really. Maybe it is residue despondency; I mean I haven’t exactly “worked out” all the issues we were having before, I just put them on hold to focus on my needs and they became temporarily less important. I also feel like I have just forgotten why worship in all that I do is that important. Or maybe, just maybe I find it too hard.

The thing about when you get depressed is that literally the only way you can choose to serve God sometimes is through the way you think. That is hard to evidence (problem for proud people like me!), it is hard to be accountable in and it is just plain simple hard to control. A similar thing happens as I find myself inept in this sort of mental capacity way. Serving God becomes about reading a book that you don’t understand with noone that can help you and a strong suspicion that it won’t do any good. The fact that all this trying isn’t even necessarily supposed to pay off pretty much sucks.

Particularly with my current tendency to be self-deprecating and cynical and generally blurgghh. I suppose what I’m saying is that serving God with no return just doesn’t feel that great. All the other times I at least get a warm fuzzy for helping someone or for becoming more holy. Or for getting fit and losing the cheese and chocolate pounds from La Suisse (it’s called Love Running and it gives something back whilst also taking away unwanted excess!). This way just gives me a headache.

Seriously though. Trying is supposed to generate success. Even with all the relationship problems aside, I don’t like the way wasting time can be a good thing. Like, why do I need to learn a lesson about failure anyway? What’s it preparing me for anyway… heaven?!

I realise how ridiculously contrary this is to all the stuff I wrote about how I am being refined and God knows what is going on, bigger picture, tough love stuff etc etc. I suppose I’m just frustrated that all my caring friends think that trying for the sake of trying is something I actually want to do! They obviously give me too much credit right now…

P.S. On the topic of being frustrated I’m also pretty annoyed by blogging, as of last night. I suddenly feel like I have been exposing myself to the world in some kind of one-way vulnerability that I hadn't really considered before. I may stop... I don’t know, we’ll see… I do still enjoy it, obviously, I just don't know if it's worth it. I really ought to think about these things first...

Oh Bugger

2009-02-07T23:08:00.007Z

I have this amazing post drafted. It's totally hopeful and glorifying in everyway. Humble, God prioritising, Kingdom seeking shit. You gotta love it.

And it was almost ready for posting. I swear. Like, one proof-read and some biblegateway.com-ing links and we'd all be dead excited about what God was doing when I didn't meet my deadline yet it was all OK...

Then, foolish foolish cow that I was, I went and got all despondent on my own ass before it made it to "publication". If that is even possible. I stagnated, lost my way, did a babybackslide, toppled off the Holy Spirit bandwagon, fell short of the glory, stumbled on the narrow way, missed an altar call... I don't know but whatever it was it was bad.

Which means I am disinclined to do anything much but sit around watching "Shawshanks Redemption" and drinking Bombay Sapphire with Somerfield's own brand slimline tonic and these really cute little heart shaped ice-cubes. OK, these aren't bad things in and of themselves. Still, *possibly* counter-productive and certainly not enthusiastic for Jesus.

Dang it. Why does this always happen just after I get dead-excited about the most recent move of God in my life. It's almost as if there's something out there trying to sabotage everything that He does...

Suddenly I Don't See

2009-02-05T20:58:00.005Z

I'm looking into an abyss. I've not given up per se but I can't see the end. This is partly 'cause all the arguments I had fell apart when I realised something terribly problematic with a very integral concept of my essay. That is to say, I was just plain wrong. I now have no point to make and, though the beginning and middle parts of my essay are actually very good and were coming together quite nicely, they say totally different things and leave me with absolutely no comprehensive conclusion. All from a seemingly tiny detail too, I didn't think overlooking that would be this devastating.

But I am laughing about it. Which is, I think, the most important thing.

Plus, it turns out that being under pressure and having my faith challenged makes me write a lot of music. I now have 6 songs about not doing my homework...!

The way I see it, the NHS are all about sorting out my throat asap and not so much about my head (though I cannot blame my lack of understanding on anything but my own capacity) so maybe this deadline is actually God's way of getting me to write my first album...! Jokes.

Though it is true that give me any sort of pressure to get something done and I will instead create. As long as the pressure isn't to do something specifically creative, 'cause that would be too easy.

Back to waiting for revelation. I went and caffeined up so I would be in it for the long haul and now I have all this energy and nothing to apply it to. Like, I really don't know what to do next... Ah well, maybe I'll write another song!

Jolly Blogger

2009-02-05T09:53:00.005Z

I was also reading another blog yesterday, in one of my this-doesn't-look-productive-but-it-may-be moments. It's entitled the Jolly Blogger and it definitely spoke to me.

A the top of the site is this quote:
Grace substitutes a full, childlike, and delighted acceptance of our Need, a joy in total dependence. We become "Jolly Beggars." - C.S. Lewis
You know it will be good when it begins with Lewis.

I don't know if it was what started the blog, but this guy David has been writing about having been diagnosed with cancer and the top post for yesterday day was about how he was supposed to find joy in that, despite not knowing what would happen. His hope was in healing but he's all to aware that that may not be God's plan in this.

And I don't want to sound insensitive to the gravity of his situation, I know that where I am at (3o hours till an essay is due in) is nothing in comparison, but the idea of the hope we have in God not necessarily meaning what we want it to mean yet still keeping joy in that was significant. This whole time I have not been about the joy at all. Honesty, yes. Remain hopeful and even accepting of apparent failure, partially. Joy... never even occurred to me. Yet here is a man facing death who talks about finding the greatest joy in the midst of the greatest suffering. I love joy, get it out all the time when I'm excited or glad, but this steps it up a gear.

It is also totally obvious when you remember the grace that Lewis mentions first and foremost. The grace that dawned on me yesterday. The grace that is so huge and amazing it is more than enough to keep joy in the most dire situations, nay so fantastic and delightful that joy couldn't escape if it tried. If we let it in that is.

So on my last day of this relatively small trial I am going to try and keep the joy as my top priority. That is, actually, I am up for keeping the joy and will now rely on God to bring it about. Not hard so far: waking to a fresh blanket of snow(!) and homemade pancakes with maple syrup(!!) are all good motivators... but then, so is Grace.

Amazing Grace

2009-02-04T11:00:00.010Z

I was thinking yesterday, in one of my motivational moments, some stuff which I was refusing to blog about 'cause I needed to just start applying it... but I am less motivated to work right now so maybe writing it out will rekindle the passion!

I've been getting myself all churned up about if I am messing up God's plan. Like, He has got a really cool escape route mapped out so that I can miraculously be alright in this situation, meet my deadline and get the grade... but I am being an idiot and sitting around waiting for it to happen instead of just writing.

Now, granted some people probably think I am right about that and actually I should just get on with my essay instead of blogging but, even though I doubt it will make a difference to their opinion, I want to state that I genuinely struggle with concentration A LOT. I'm in the middle of being diagnosed with ADHD but the referral is weeks away (I do love the NHS) with all methods other than medication taking far too long to effect change before Friday. A friend asked me if I thought I might be using it as an excuse but actually I really just see it more as an explanation for how my life has always been...

We can talk more about all that some other time. It's been a bit of a journey for me and something I haven't shared partly 'cause of the stigma and this being the internet, partly the not actually having an answer yet. It gives a girl a lot to think about, studying being the least important in comparison to things like social interaction, relationships, identity, healing(?). But I'll leave those stuffs for another time, today I just wanted to vindicate my struggles a little and lay it out on a plate.

So yeah. I don't really know what I can actually do, but I look at a page/screen and panic. I love to write and I have all these ideas and when it is a short piece I can eventually organise it and hone it and make it flow... I know exactly what I want to say and within limitations I can do that. But 5,000 words with a lot of technical details and referencing is a whole other ball game and my perfectionism doesn't know where to begin. Yet surely in this I am messing up every chance that God has to rescue me? I have to do *something*.

Yet again, duh, I am prompted to recall that GOD IS SOVEREIGN. He doesn't actually need me to do anything. In fact, HE LIKES IT WHEN I AM WEAK SO HE CAN SHOW ME HE'S STRONG. How am I supposed to remember my dependency if I am always capable? How am I supposed to get that He loves me if He never has the chance to show me?

Yet again I was being legalistic, thinking I have to reach some kind of threshold of effort before He meets me halfway. If anything of this world depended on what we humans did, well... we kinda see what that looks like don't we? Life is impossible for a reason. Failure imminent without intervention, that we may recognise intervention for what it is and receive it gladly in the shape of True Love.

It takes the flavour out of grace for me to think that what I do matters at all. God reached out to man and made a way (Jesus) and I tell myself that He can only see His plans come through if I work for it? Crazy fool.

So I'm in the library, giving what I can but not giving a damn if what I have isn't enough. It isn't. I read another person's blog this morning. Don't do that much but this guy seems good and I like the sound of his ideals (I say that vaguely 'cause I only know them vaguely!). The article linked above really spoke to me and in case you don't feel like reading someone else on your coffee break I'll sum up the relevant part.

It is looking at the story of David and Goliath and how so many people interpret it: little weak person overcomes some big, scary, technically impossible to beat, "Giant" in their life. Miraculous empowerment of man. He then (and this is the bit that made me go "Oh yeah, duh!") instead describes it thus:
We are little Israelites standing round shitting ourselves with the Philestines surrounding us, doomed. Then a seemingly insignificant and weak nobody steps out from the midst of us and saves us from an impossible Giant so that we can surge forward with a shout, enemy defeated! Miraculous empowerment for man. The analogy here is, of course, Jesus.

How naïve, nay arrogant, to think that we are David when really Jesus is? David didn't need the army of scared and foolish soldiers behind him, he did if for the army so that they would not die.

All that said, an essay is not eternal life and just 'cause I am guaranteed of the second does not mean that the first will come to pass. I cannot claim that in hope I know the full extent of the mind of God and I must remember that my certainty of grace is in the eternal sense and that here and now, finitely, we cannot comprehend the full applications of infinity. That is to say, grace acted out on earth doesn't always look like a gift as we know it (also coming in the shape of lessons, refinement, rebuke etc) and I must be wary that this coursework does not become a "what have you done for me lately" scenario with my idea of grace being pined onto something so subjective.

God likes blessing me and wants the best for me, I can hope assuredly for that... and just ask really nicely that academic success is the way He chooses to administer it!

P.S. I'm not very good at acknowledging grace, I didn't even have a tag for it (only for 'Grace Killers'). I've been too tied up receiving it and applying it to my life to stop and go "Wow" so I reckon this is a lesson that I am well in need of. It's pretty Amazing, isn't it?!

New Beginnings

2009-02-03T11:48:00.005Z

I've been sitting by a window all day, watching the snow in my garden melt at an incredible pace and hearing birds chirp. There have been foxes and blackbirds and all kinds of water dripping. It feels like the first day of spring.

Straight after yesterday, the deepest winteryness I've seen in England for years.

It was quite fabulous. I got hardly any work done (plumber in the house meant I couldn't relax but at least I have hot showers now!) but I did get some hope. Oddly. The little pieces of snow, making magic happen one piece at a time. Altogether causing big change though insignificant alone. Lovely.

Also, due to the snow I had my evening plans canceled which meant that when quite out of the blue an old friend from Geneva was in the city for 'one night only' we could hang out. Barely spoke for ages and now he is moving to Exeter to be a marine! What a small world... we went to my friends's place for a big community meal and had some really cool chats. I do like last minute.

Whenever things like that happen I feel like God is doing something. Haven't a clue what but got to be something, all them pieces falling together like that. Could be quite invisible or abstracted but still, something...

I want to get on with my work as I am making snowflakes progresses and hoping it will all add up, so I shall be off. But what with yesterday feeling like the start of "something" cool and now the newness of spring, I have decided to post this poem I wrote called "New Beginnings". It was written for Michelle in Geneva as a YAGs auction item. Offered October 2007, theme picked March 2008 and I got it in the post just before Christmas.

New beginnings
So clear in the spring
All life gives birth, flowers from earth
Babies from… who knows where?
Stork or cabbage or something less fair
Each little-one angels watch over in care

New beginnings
The start of a story
Hope in the journey from Hades to glory
Oh what a joy to watch how He plays
Breath-baited angels run errands and praise
But none comprehend His mysterious ways

New beginnings
When a soul turns from darkness to light
As the son rises, the end of the night
Angels in heaven are celebrating
One little lost sheep and all that rejoicing
Oh what a start, rescued by a King

New beginnings
The daily expression
As we come to God with a heartfelt confession
Obedience blown on a whim or in fear
Fallen angels whispering in our ear
In forgiveness renewal, the slate wiped clear

New beginnings
Oh holy night
In cold winter climes we celebrate life
Humbly born into earthly frustration
While voices in heaven sing of salvation
The angels can see He's the Hope of the Nations

New beginnings
That old metaphor
Each telling a story of the Creator
As He converts his love into life
To make it spring up and echo the cry
Of thousands of angels high up in the sky
Rejoicing eternity that began in a word
In the beginning was God.

...but it doesn't mean He won't

2009-02-02T15:27:00.007Z

Arggggh! Two people have commented to me today on something about my positive blogging blah blah etc etc... and it made me laugh 'cause they clearly hadn't read the last post I wrote.

I drive myself mad with the ups and downs of hope and faith.

Whilst what I said is technically true [EDIT: in that we can't know what God will do] I do realise that the way I said it didn't testify to God's love for me. That is, it implied quite strongly He don't care about the details of my life which I believe (albeit by faith and not necessarily feeling right now) He does. It sounds a lot like me being resigned to a meaningless existence in which what I do both doesn't matter and doesn't last.

Neither of which are true. Firstly, God just plain cares. Loving us to reach our potential and making it accessible to us when we struggle, because He likes to do so and likes us to be happy (granted sometimes growth takes priority). Blimey, if the University has an Access Unit then of course God does (there is probably a whole angelic division called Widening Participation).

Secondly, and this is something that makes for a full post at a later date if I get round to it, what we do now does last. That is why there is a finite bit then an infinite bit to life. If it was all about the infinite then we may as well just skip straight ahead... but it's not. Ergo - bothered.

Well, errrrr, there's some good theory for you. I will keep you posted on the practice since so far today the bulk of my achievements has been to write a song about snow. Isn't it lovely?

Just because He can doesn't mean He will

2009-02-02T12:51:00.002Z

This doesn't just apply to becoming famous and/or über important and/or getting a decent husband.

It also applies to getting my menial work done.

I may be wrong but I just can't see it happening before Friday. Like, I haven't got the capacity. We're not even talking time, which is as a nice straightforward one for God to sort out. I don't have the discipline or concentration let alone the intellect (I haven't established that one 'cause I've not studied enough to know).

Which is already completely subjective and arguable and really I just need to get my head down till it happens.

But yet I "can't".

And I really don't think that God is in the industry of pandering to this one. What with it being my problem and I am just sitting around waiting for God to make me work.

'Cause the thing is my deadline, my degree classification, even my career, really aren't very important in the grand scheme of things so I don't know where I get off expecting anything different. If I need to learn the hard way that I can't just do nothing and wait for intervention then I guess this is it.

Plus, as one friend said to me when I asked them to pray for my uni work, why? I don't deserve it more and why should God help me and not the guy I sit next to...?

Goodbye 1st. Goodbye Masters. Goodbye future of worldly acclaim. If I cannot earn them I don't exactly deserve them do I?

Hope after all is far more applicable to Eternal Life than temporal credit. If I believe in the first then why should I even care about the second...

I like writing as a philosopher because:

2009-02-02T10:02:00.004Z

One can write in first person as much as one likes!

And we get to use silly analogies and generally be a bit funny and sarcastic. And no-one cares what words I use to start sentences or paragraphs with or whether you split infini-tives or end on the word preposition. Which is good 'cause those rules I really don't understand.

But that said I don't like it when I need to soon get 5,000 words done (the due date being 4pm on Friday) or that apparently comedy must be sacrificed for clarity and making caracitures of theories is frowned upon - which is pants 'cause that is mostly all I do, ever.

I have written several conclusions so far, none sufficiently academic and all getting ahead of myself, so I though I'd put one here just to make sure it gets used. It's a great example of fun imagery and any discworld fan surely love it they will...

"I wanted certainty in the kind of way in which people want religious faith. I thought that certainty is more likely to be found in mathematics than elsewhere. But I discovered that many mathematical demonstrations, which my teachers expected me to accept, were full of fallacies, and that, if certainty were indeed discoverable in mathematics, it would be in a new field of mathematics, with more solid foundations than those that had hitherto been thought secure. But as the work proceeded, I was continually reminded of the fable about the elephant and the tortoise. having constructed an elephant upon which the mathematical world could rest, I found the elephant tottering, and proceeded to construct a tortoise to keep the elephant from falling. But the tortoise was no more secure than the elephant, and after some twenty years of very arduous toil, I came to the conclusion that there was nothing more that I could do in the way of making mathematical knowledge indubitable." - Bertrand Russell, Portraits from Memory 1956

It is my view that, as with religious faith, mathematics depends on the existence of something bigger than us, something with apparent paradoxes that lies somewhere beyond our limit of though. We can reach it in part but only through an intuitive belief. Whether there is a God, a Form, or a Foundation is yet to be seen but none are restricted by finitude of either capacity or reason, in the way that we currently are.

Ta da! Back to the grind stone...

"Dreams can come true, look at me babe I'm with you..."

2009-01-31T21:22:00.005Z

That was what came on my car radio last night as I came back from Michelle's and I meant to mention it in my blog but I never. So now I have. If this whole God thing really has come together then absolutely anything actually is possible - there was a time I never thought He could be with me and now look: He is and I still can't get over it.

Which is the reason that I am slowly going from being a person who expected things never to work out to someone who is always expecting everything to. Moments of absolute disdain aside (which can take a large chunk out of some of my days, granted) I have been having loads of hope recently. Ridiculous amounts. Raising them stakes good and high. The way I see it, if God is gonna top anything I can conceive of then the best thing for me to do is think BIG. That's a boring game theory model. Think BIG get BIGGER. Think small get Medium. There is no payoff formula is there? I think the answer is "Duh, Supersize me".

So today I did. I dreamed SO big. I planned the next 30 years of my life. There were lots of gaps, don't get me wrong, and I am not saying this all has to happen or else, I just figured "why not get excited by the possibilities?" Some of it is crazy and made up and I won't be really disappointed if becoming Prime Minister doesn't happen (hell, I'm not entirely sure how I would feel about a woman running the country!) and exactly how Eastern Europe comes into it is flexible... but some of it I can see clearly in one shape or another. Like community building in Bristol, being a homemaker (not the same as housewife), working with the homeless, female identity empowerment (not "female empowerment" which sounds a lot like feminism and I don't mean at all), starting a music project that gives opportunity to the deprived and disadvantaged and shares love with the world. I even decided that I probably did need a husband at some point and now have a pretty good feel of what he would need to be up for and capable of!! They're not all bad after all...

So I was kinda stoked about this vision. It clearly isn't going to look exactly like this but I reckon that God is putting some stuff in particular on my heart. And I really do get that if His alternative is to be, say a stay home mum for example, then that would be the better thing.

At the same time I was aware it's important that, in my expecting of great stuff and amazing gifts, how God wants to use me is so not about me. Which is really really hard. I don't know about you but I have this huge imagination which is lots of fun and exciting and enables me to see the "bigger picture" but it also leads me to get carried away with things that are just "cool". The advance autobiography that I wrote for myself would have gotten well loads of credit I swear. I would be everybody's fave prime minister and change the world... whilst also fabulously managing a family of 4/5 and recording several albums. And what with my "childlike" faith that God can do it I am prime candidate for missing the point that He probably shouldn't. I struggle enough with pride (when I'm not struggling with feeling down on myself, obviously) indeed even as I write I am proud that I have recognised this danger in advance! I just can't win...

So I'm sitting at this concert tonight with my sister, contemplating all these important things in my young brain, when God starts stirring a bit more. The gig was amazing. A team of musicians that work with prisoners and ex-prisoners as a rehab type thingy - called changing tunes, check it out. Some of the most powerful songs I have ever heard, particularly one that just spelled out in incredible "The Streets" style this really gritty gripping reality of the unhealthy complicated status between men and women. It all just added to the realisation that music is an amazing tool with the capacity to change lives and bring light. Hurrah! Inspiring much? Coincidence? I knew that I wanted to work with homeless people and "disadvantaged" youth 'cause that's where I have been "moved" and where my albeit limited experiences lie, so the prison work was a really cool overlap but with plenty of scope to bring it to others.

'Cause of course that is my priority. Tapping a new market. Helping people that have no other options. Really making a BIG difference. Being something incredible that makes people go wow and gives a warm fuzzy glow at the *number* of lives changed. Getting my M.B.E.

So I have to laugh when at the interval one of the musicians gets up and talks about this new project that has been set up in the kinda funky-but-really-quite-dodge part of town where there is already a huge vision for change and love revolution. A vision I already feel both excited by and jealous of. The project described ticks in every way what I had just decided to call my life works.

I can't help it. I feel like I missed the window, not been there from the start. Now I'm trying to carve out a special role for me in The Kingdom but really I mean in The World 'cause that is the place that my accolade would be coming from. I arrived back in England to see the beginning of a radical church movement in Bristol, a revolution underway; and though I'd been praying and excited and certain of it happening before I got here I was kinda annoyed that no-one waited. There have been people praying for decades but I had claims on the particular power of mine and where is the recognition? No-one even knows I exist.

So what is this post about? Well, I figure seeing as I don't get to be a "founder" of the self-harmony (it even has a cool name) thing and will no doubt have to be a "worker" instead then the least I could do is put it somewhere in writing that I thought of it too... independently of them!

Lol. I figure this is kinda how we are, right? People. Crap. Yet not. But still so. It's funny, sometimes if I'm really quiet I think I can hear my sinful nature fighting with the Holy Spirit as though they were sitting on my shoulders.

I know, I always have I think since I resigned myself to Christ, that it isn't about me. That community is the best thing and that as I allow it to become important and the love takes over then I will believe in it increasingly, till one day I know it wholeheartedly in every circumstance. Just it sucks when you want to be a pop star! Or anything else.

We see it everywhere you know, taking ownership. Even in the church. Duh, particularly. Even when it is about what God is doing people love to be able to claim that He is doing it just for them, because of what they have been doing and how they have been seeking. Even when it is a community it is a limited community, just you and your friends. Even when it is the Christian world as a whole we forget that it isn't just for us but for EVERYONE and get comfy and superior.

So what will I do? Write my plan in pencil I suppose. Go where He wants. Trust that the timing isn't a fudge and that I will be put in the right place even if that place is somewhere really small - which presumably it will be when my humility is still so small. I think that humility and importance are directly proportional you know. He only lifts people up that don't care - which is why I'm trying so hard not to!

One thing I read that is really helpful for me in my motivations lately (I can spend a long time over-analysing things and getting very confused about what is actually going on in my heart) is something Paul wrote. It's funny, I used to really hate that guy but he does say some good shit:

I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself.

Which makes sense given how fickle and complicated we are.

So I will carry on dreaming and believing and seeking and petitioning what is on my heart to the best of my own understanding but there really is very little point in me trying to figure it all out, what with the constant internal battle. If God didn't put it in me then it won't last long, what with the victory having been won. I just have to let Him carry on changing me.

It does suck though. At the moment it still sucks... but I am a work in progress and the masterpiece is yet to be reveal...!

Early Morning Retract (that lacks symmetric syntax)

2009-01-31T01:31:00.012Z

I've gone really afraid and despondent. No real reason to share except that I would feel a hypocrite to go to bed with the last post being the last thing I said, now all this fear and apathy and worry is looming in.

Like I say, not really achieving anything in this post except a statement of fact. But I suppose 'tis the way with high points, the only way on is down. Classic "fact before feeling" theology must apply and I reckon I can acknowledge the emotional rollercoaster effect combined with fatigue and choose to draw a line, go to bed (actually do it this time) and "hope" (not the same hope as before but perhaps derivative thereof) that tomorrow things will work out. For now anyway.

Funny how quick that can happen... Meh.

Late Night Delight

2009-01-31T00:27:00.005Z

I HAVE to be quick.

The most amazing day. Not even going to go into details as I will just get caught up and it will stop being a "quickie" but WOW! Really feel like what God is saying to me is that of all the things that are crazy and big and huge and wonderful and inconceivable awesome that I am seeking, He has even better stuff. Like you think my imagination is wild, what about His?! I know that there is always the "caveat" of 'but His will be done' but seriously, all that capacity, who doesn't want His will to be done?!

Still. I am praying pretty hardcore about some specific issues in my life, not least "the essay" and seeing great results that are actually more promising that I ever conceived. (Duh! But still, cool that He said it then straight away did it!) E.g. My plan is Shit Hot and basically has HUGE potential to be a fantastic collaboration of ideas and creative thinking (also potential to flop majorly but doesn't everything big and exciting? Who wants to play it safe, especially with God on your side...?!). Shit Hot isn't verbatim but I could see it in my tutor's eyes...

Talked far too much today about life in general and, though I had a great meeting and further thinking and writing stemmed, my bulk of time was spent with people catching up etc. The promise (like in that poem I posted, brilliant much?) is still much in potentia with graft in the near, but so far avoided, future. That will have to stop. Not least because my voice (which really hates me right now) is in need of rehab.

BUT it is pretty neat that there is this verse that totally says what I feel God is saying. Always good to have it in the bible too:

"When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:14-21

I located it using biblegateway.com, or google for Christians as I now know it (I have my sis to thank for that one!), then reread it at Mich's tonight in her NLT. Which I had forgotten how amazing it was (what with losing my version really sadly near the start of last term :-( ). The wording just grabbed me. Particularly the bit about "infinite resources" (one of the things I mentioned a few posts back about humanity not really being finite and couldn't find a well phrased verse on resources) and then the "infinitely more that we might ask or think" 'cause it is the maths AND the message. [Aside: NIV mentions hope which is cool too. Boy, this whole versions thing is clearly going to start confusing me!] Plus 'tis just a wonderfully phrased passage, I think I need to get a new one of these. Also, aside from the end which is the premise I based my search on, is the whole bit above about being rooted in God's love which is just totally the ongoing message both in general and specifically to me right now.

Anywho. Bed is SO the main objective. I get really frustrated by how much is going on that I am thinking and learning and experiencing, yet at a point where there is no time to write about it. Always the way. I suppose it is partly procrastination temptation though - there are always things happening but there aren't always things to avoid!

Oooh ooooh! I also found out really suddenly, before I was even caring or searching at all, what I shall be doing next year. How good is that?! All I need to do is get there...!

N'night x

xkcd 2 - He's like the terminator except with love

2009-01-30T11:01:00.002Z

Not like the usual offering of this fabulous website but quite lovely.

http://xkcd.com/104/

Don'tcha think the picture looks like Jesus?

I will not blog, I will not blog, I will not blog

2009-01-29T23:50:00.003Z

Oh OK, just a lil one.

I'm being quite good with working, like I stayed in the library till 830 pm today! But I am going rather slowly and I didn't get much reading done... more thinking and doodling and trying to form ideas amidst the clouds. I'm telling myself it's an integral part of the process.

Plus it's all I can do. I have a meeting tomorrow at 10am and it is yet to be shown whether all I can do is enough... so call me naïve but I'm taking the loaves and fishes approach. I am almost certain that I can't get this degree. I mean, I started a new course today (everyone else started Monday but I sorta forgot) and I didn't have a clue about any of the prerequisites. Likewise I went into Phil of Maths with no idea of what logic actually is (I don't mean by regular definitions, though that too) and this morning I suddenly found myself trying to split the "hypøplane"...?! Whatever. My point is, this is going to be a hard crowd to impress. My profs may not be 5,000 hungry Jewish men plus women and kids but they are pretty expectatious.

So I figure that I will simply have to not be good enough. 'Tis all. I'll do my small piece in faith and let God multiply it up to be something amazing.

The slightly concerning thing is that if it turns out God doesn't want to give me a degree based upon my faith in Him, I will have to be OK with that. Though I don't suppose He will let me take more testing than I can bear it would still be nice to do well. So I'm holding out for Zephaniah 3. "Honour and praise where I was put to shame". I know I can't just claim any passage in the bible for my own at a given moment but wouldn't it be cool if it was part of the purposes that God is working out now... Actually, maybe I can claim it as a promise?! Flag that!

Either way, I don't think there is anything else I can actually do. So as I relocate from Chaplaincy to Library to Starbs every few hours, in order that I don't get bored, let's hope my teeny tiny offer mixed in with all the sidetracking will be worth something.

Oh and I got a letter through from ENT - first appointment on the 10th Feb! Funtimes. Maybe I will be "singing and shouting aloud" sooner than I though... if He does manage to first "quite me with His love" :o)

Unnatural Hope in the face of Utter Horror

2009-01-28T20:09:00.005Z

My Facebook status.

My life.

Just a comment about the reading I was doing today for the previously mentioned paper (in which my thinking is majorly affected by the Bible but it's hard to express that convincingly when writing about Philosophy of Maths... see a few posts ago...). A book called 'Beyond the limits of thought', the first line of which was:

"Finitude is a basic fact of human existence."

We are going to have some problems.

The dude (his name is Priest, ironically) goes on to give the examples of human endurance, resources or even life itself. I really am not feeling eye to eye on this. What with God and all - who is later given as an example of something beyond the limit of our thought (quite a debate there among these learned people as to whether or not He is; if only I could bring 1 Corinthians 2:9-10 into it.)

Then it hit me, just now, that this is exactly where I am at. My "status" is hope in horror. The horror being the deadline, the limitation (in endurance, resources and time). The hope being that I can go beyond the limitations; that I am subject to neither deadline nor death; that finitude is a myth and while things are beyond understanding they are also completely within my grasp by His spirit. A paradox explained, but only outside the realm of earthly "logic" (which is in fact my conclusion). My work is like my spiritual journey - the two being about the same thing as I rely on the impossible to be able to discuss the inconcievable in a way that is unimaginable yet fully comprehensible. Ummmm.

Reading 1 Corinthians 2 as part of my not-very-routine bible routine has once again proved completely relevant to what I am doing - even when what I am doing is maths homework. It has been a good day with lots of work (subjective view point granted) and some great God moments and, you'll never believe it, but I'm listening to Positive songs on my ipod now. Oh yes! The joy is coming back.

Incase you weren't already resigned, the next week or so will probably have a lot of crazy sounding maths that may or may not also claim to be spiritual. Sorry about that, but I'm gonna be pretty one tracked...

Oh, and one other cool thing. My old pastor from GVA sent round an email to anyone on the worship mailing list that said:
"Don't forget God is working His purpose out!!"
Really bloody handy that was, totally the sort of thing I need to hear. A little thrown by the randomness of it... till it came to light that that was the name of a hymn they are doing on Sunday! Still, good to know.

Hmmmmm. Feeling rather confident. Maybe it's the peace that passes understanding... Best go get something done this eve though. I have 2 ish hours, let's bend time!

hopeactually

2009-01-27T23:44:00.008Z

Essay is not really any further along what with having had to postpone French work a whole week till yesterday evening. Today has been one of slowly waking up to the world following lots of presentation pressure, only to be submersed again tomorrow in a land of distraction, study and imminence.

Miss Spitfire came over to see me at the weekend, much to my delight. And indeed salvation, I would not have been able to survive if it were not for her... Really wakened me up to my inbuilt issues with self-reliance, that visit did. I got over it enough to submit, albeit legalistically at times, to God but to surrender myself to the support of others has been *quite* uncomfortable. I can talk all day about community and interdependence and how God provides for me through people but when the shadows creep in, the computer crashes an hour before or the mind is just not even pretending to cope anymore one tends to "forget" how to put the words into action. Needing help made me downright angry, allowing it to happen just felt like absolute crap.

Yet I need to get over that I know it. So, vulnerability rears it's not actually ugly just not "conventionally accepted" head and reminds me of my fallibility. Who am I to try and cope alone anyway? Even Jesus didn't do that.

Godwise? Lots of thinking, even *some* clarity coming there. Issues being raise up, semi-answers sort of fall into place... now is no time to try and talk about that as I have a week and a half to go before I can justify the deep expounding of anything in a non-mathematical area (and even then it would probably be a bit of a long shot). I think am the best I've been since the very start of the year (where if you recall I was actually feeling excellent till it all fell apart literally overnight) and reckon, perhaps, that all the "of the world" trials have helped me to draw near to God in reliance - like a teenager that is angry at their parent but really needs a lift to the pub. Sort of.

'Cause what I have been doing is getting increasingly angry, mostly at Him, and yesterday that really culminated like some kind of inflamed pustule. I pretty much decided that I was fed up of the life I was being subjected to, the constant battle it seems to be to get anything done or to see any progress and how really I was just not up for it anymore... so I popped. My new red glasses have an interesting and even newer shape that testifies to this fact. The strange thing was that as I expressed this I knew, deep down, that it would be OK and that actually God did know what I could bear, He would get me through it and I was going to be OK nay perhaps even better off. Not actually a good feeling I have you know, very much like a teacher that has this "I know best" look and you don't want it to be true but it just is.

Thing is, I can't shake the hope. Despite the fear I have always had this hope and, as God became a consistent feature in my life, it became more and more fulfilled. Nay, turned into faith a little, perhaps. Sometimes you want to indulge in the misery of it all but really, deep down, there is this hope. And, as I shake pain from the past, the hope flows even freer (sp?).

Just, sometimes I don't like the process through which I mush keep hoping. I've heard some pretty cool prophecies for this year and, in all honesty, for me right now one of the most spot on ones is a passing comment I myself made on New Year's Day - when me and two friends had an amazing "improv" pray sesh. One girl said '2008 was great' (which is true! :-)) and I followed almost immediately with '2009 - refine'. Dang it, I seem to have spoken that into being!

But I just "know", somehow, that God is getting me ready for something or other and is doing stuff in me that I may be up to the task. I feel broken shattered and bruised but that is, yet again, a good place for God's strength to be made complete and for my dependency on Him to be renewed. This verse in Job 23:9-10 that I just "got" really sums it up:

"When he is at work in the north, I do not see him; when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him
But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold."

So, ummmm, yeah. Not actually looking forward at all to the next few weeks... but the next few years may just rock out; if I can only get through the fire.

And learning to rely on other people is sure to help. Mummy is coming to look after me next week which is utterly wonderful, welcome and necessary, though I don't envy at all what she will go through! I am just so grateful that there are people who care enough to take me in my unrefined state; I know I won't make it to shiny without being held up in the process...

War of Intuition: A Platonistic, Non-Foundational Approach to Maths

2009-01-22T15:33:00.006Z

So I have a title (for my big nasty essay). It's far too pretentious to keep but I like it for now. My thought is that maths as we know it is just a shadow of the truth, that we can use different and overlapping theories (pluralities, sets etc) as analogies but that we can never fully get the right picture and that is because the truth is outside of our "set" or "language" and so we cannot fully comprehend. Like with Plato and his good old shadows of Forms or, I don't know, say Paul and his poor reflections.

Analogies, allegories, parables... they all seem to serve a good purpose. It's kinda the way of the world and not just a communication tool. Maybe it's just me "seeing" semblances of truth in everything I do and the stretching it to a contentious metaphor but it seems that everywhere there are signs of something else, something bigger: hair cuts, Disney songs, a moment with a friend, a great picture, a poem, a cool proof, a new political appointment (OK I am a bit Obama-happy right now!), a mundane task or a speed limit on the motorway. We can see some great truth in a million different tiny things and it's like some kind of set hierarchy when the little extends to the big. Or a fractal where it just keeps getting reiterated larger and larger but always the same basic form. Or when, maybe you glimpse eternity 'cause of a perfect shopping trip or well-timed doctors appointment. All these things are made of something bigger.

Now. All I have to do is express this without relying on the bible to backup what I say. More to the point, I have to rely on stuff that is far more complicated and bizarre (which is saying something) and show some kind of pretense that I know what any of that jazz is about, without talking too much about Cheerios or saying "well, Duh, it's obvious...". Which is hard 'cause that seems to be all that the proper Philosophers do.

But I do have a temporary title, which is sort-of progress.

Hot Topic

2009-01-21T16:55:00.010Z

This news article has created quite a stir in the UK. Here is but one example and here is another though you may need to sign into Facebook to see it (for mum and dad, it is a countering group that says there is a God so stop worrying and have fun).

Now. Almost all my friends in Bristol are outraged, the Methodists are optimistic and, as is a recent theme, I am pretty apathetic. But I'm going to put out there some of my pre-blues views and try and see objectively just how I feel about it. It's a long shot I know but I wouldn't mind your opinion either...

I think it is stupid 'cause it is scientifically bogus. Any sensible logician can see that opening this can of worms as an issue of "probability" brings up all kinds of questions, not least semantic, and that certainly one must question the legitimacy of trying to rationalise or mathematically assess such a claim. By definition God is bigger than our intellects and lies outside of our comprehesive logic (duh, miracles) so probability doesn't come into it. You can't prove something unproveable so the game just doesn't apply. He comes from the powerset of the world as we know it so is a whole set level above (if you want to talk maths let's do it properly). It makes the atheists look stupid.

There is an argument is that young impressionable people would read it and accept it. If only that were true. There is a lot more spending power behind the church and if we could get a whole load of signs up that say "God loves you so much but He's a gentleman so He's waiting for you to invite Him in" on the side of buses then does that mean we'd see a revival? Maybe?! It would be pretty sweet...!

Thing is, I think there is legitimacy behind the reasoning that atheism, requiring the step of faith that it does to so avidly believe in nothing, is a faith group and as such has the same freedom to express views that "we" do.

There is also a claim of arrogancy. Now, a few hundred people facebook group (I don't actually dis what they're doing I just would have phrased it differently) isn't a lot but the statement there IS a God seems a lot more arrogant than a foolishly laid down, not-fully committed conversation stirrer (and by the way I think the Methodists are right. It's publicity isn't it? Any publicity is good publicity, just ask Paul). To go one step further, the Alpha course (which again I think is really cool actually) says things like "Is this it?" and "What am I doing here" which could be construed as condescending to anyone that finds themselves to be perfectly content with life. "Well, actually, you're not. You need more purpose..."

The thing about it that is most stupid, in my opinion and as the counter-group rightly says, is that [if] God does exist then we can stop worrying and enjoy life to the full. "Fun" being such a subjective word. That is why these signs are so bogus. They don't listen to any of the irrefutable claims (irrefutable in that they are undeniably premises of Christianity) that are true (by definition or 'a priori') about the consequence of the existence of God... No, instead they look at the demonstrations they have around them.

Which is why we (Christians) cannot get outraged: because the world saw us when they looked around them. We are the reason that this statement made it onto the buses and didn't scream ridiculous. No one knows by what they see in us that worrying and being boring are not symptoms of God. If we were living under those promises then no matter what a person thought about God's existence, they would never accept these posters are even close to being legitimate. Richard Dawkins would get laughed at. Back in the good old days of Acts people wanted to get close to the early followers of The Way because they liked what they saw. No-one could accuse them of being wet. READ. Highly regarded. People were scared to join then, nevertheless they were added to daily.

Christianity is a laughing stock, pathetic or at best a vaguely interesting personal choice right now in England. The guy that stood up for his beliefs to not drive that bus went back on the condition that he "would only have to do so if there were no others available". WTF. Talk about pushover. These people back then were respected. The fear of what it would mean with the Romans was not enough to keep the people away. That defied logic - how could they not dare to join yet still come in? The TRUTH of what was being taught was and is more powerful that whatever was/is preventing them - be it angry Roman soldiers, strict Jewish rabbi's, snide post-Christendom taunting or post-Enlightened independence.

What people need is a posteriori logic, that is they need to experience what it means for God to be real to someone and then use that observed evidence to determine truth. Unfulfilled claims are worse than empty, they are dangerous. That's why Satan likes them.

Luckily, though, despite all our failings God is still huge and totally in control and The Truth is still The Truth and the Spirit still here. So that is another reason not to fret about them silly buses... 'cause it really isn't a very big deal in the grand scheme of things and is certainly not the end of the story. Richard Dawkins has missed a really vital key in his quest to kill "religion" (let's use the word for sake of communication, I don't mean that old legalistic crap) - he doesn't realise that it is immortal and he isn't. Yet.

I rather think good old Professor D may have even more currency in the conversion stakes than our lovely Russelly B. Get prayin'.

Lol. My nice, objective surmise. I can still rustle up the ole' passion when required it seems. ;-)

Speechless, Sightless... Helpless?

2009-01-21T11:07:00.008Z

I've not got a lot to say.

I also have limited capacity for actual speech given that my voice is dying. It's been ongoing for an incredibly long time and I haven't quite known what to do about - torn between waiting for it to mend and expecting it to sort itself out as time went by (particularly having quit smoking) so best keep exercising the muscle... the latter being by far the more tempting! Last week a very nice doctor put a camera up my nose and down my throat and as I lived out an episode of House (excepting the fact that he was a very nice doctor) he showed me the nodules that are forming on my vocal chords.

Which is a bit of a bummer. Not least 'cause I sing and love it (and want to be in a band just soon as I can) but also 'cause it does actually get in the way of socialising. Rather a lot. In fact, as I look back I realise how much I have been ploughing on regardless and ending up worn out and in pain... it's not the smokey atmosphere (which no longer exists in the UK) and alcohol (which I don't drink that much of actually :-O) that mean I wake up dry and hoarse but rather my compulsive "need" to talk. So that is going to have to change. We hope.

I have been referred for speech therapy which could take an indefinite amount of time to start and so I look ahead with trepidation: in part excited to be one day free to sing without feeling terribly bad very quickly and that maybe I can get back to a place where going out for a drink with friends is not daunting to the point of avoidable (maybe that is why I feel so old and boring?!); but also in part wary at the hard work it's going to involve to recover and aware of how much I must change. Which isn't in and of itself a bad thing as I have been working towards that a while (whilst not really knowing what it will look like when I get there)... but still, medical condition to force it to happen seems a bit extreme. Though not necessarily bad and I am incredibly grateful for my diagnosis, the care, the hope and the timing of everything as it sure beats not knowing and getting no help.

And what in the mean time? Well, last night I went to the pub for the last forseeable time. I can't hack talking over people like that (no, not my friends, just the background noise). Which again, given my degree needs, is probably no bad thing.

On the topic of which... I haven't got a hope in hell of completion or coming even close. My presentation was delayed a week 'cause I was "struggling" and the essay due in 2 weeks and 2 days looks ominous. Then there are the exams and other deadline in April and yet more in June. All the old attentive and mood dilemmas are arising and I feel *quite* pathetic. I literally cannot see all the way to the end and me still being alive. I have no vision at all.

Luckily though, my hope isn't in hell actually and, though I am still incredibly uncertain of what is going on in my spiritual life (a tale for another time) I know once again that if it hasn't all been a figment of my attention-seeking, eratic, desperate imagination then I am going to be OK. 'Cause there are about a million and one promises buried in that bible (none of which I have the energy to locate right now) that tell me so...

Hmmmmm. This place also seems a bit extreme, even if it is to facilitate me moving deeper with God. Though again, not neccesarily bad. Now I await various diagnoses that can potentially get me help here too... I just wish they could put a camera up my nose and into my brain to tell them what's going on.

God is faithful even when we are faithless. Apparently.

xkcd 1

2009-01-18T23:11:00.004Z

There is this really great comic website full of sarcasm and maths that I am half into, having close friends and family that are fully obsessed and me with my vague appreciation but lack of attention. I like to skim them occasionally when I remember and I tend to remember when I have other things I ought to be doing (like the French presentation due tomorrow that I've not finished planning in English and haven't actually got much use of vocal chords for... but that's another story). This one just grabbed me and since blogging is another procrastination weapon in my artillery I figured I'd put the two together in one crazy degree-annihilating foul swoop. Enjoy:

http://xkcd.com/381/

Told you it was good :-)

Clearer Vision

2009-01-17T01:20:00.007Z

There has been so much learning going on this "season". It's cool but it sure isn't conducive to writing snappy thought-out posts. Which is, clearly, what BGB is all about. Hmmm, what I have I been doing in my regular life then, if faith is too much to discuss...

I bought new glasses! It took me 2.5 hours to choose them which was terrible and I wanted to die and there were about 4 staff members trying to help me pick them out till they all got fed up. I finally found my second pair (it was buy one get one free) when a women started getting unopened stock out for me to see - what with me having tried everything on the shop floor.

But, after much patience and waiting, wanting things to be right and them not being, stressing and feeling terrible for stressing other people, pretending I was nearly there when I wasn't and very very almost compromising... I got the poifick pair. Really really good. (I actually got 3 in the end: red like when I was small, black funky-secretary style and a really cheap granny round pair from the really cheap granny round range.) I tried and tried to make it happen but in the end I simply had to be rescued by something that was totally out of my control. Even praying was not bringing a direct result and I was terrified I would keep stalemating till I freaked out; yet eventually I loved what I came away with and they could not be better.

Maybe there is something in that. At a time when all my anger, pain and bitterness towards past friends, not-so-friends, God, you name it suddenly hit me (just when I thought it had all gone) and seemed to totally overwhelm my "walk", I got a little message whilst at church to do with the Exodus. Particularly this bit. My Egyptians, whatever, whoever they are, are riding over the distant sand dune and gaining on me. Nowhere to run to. No more forcing it I have nothing left to give, I am trapped by the red sea and desperate. Yet, I am being promised deliverance. When there is no hope and no way out there is light at the end of the tunnel (or perhaps damp sand at the bottom of a miraculous passageway). Dude it even follows the baby analogy of a few posts ago (teehee, deliverance you get it?).

I really can't force this. I have to stop. I may look like I am walking in sin and messing up and being unrighteous and everything but there is no use in having a faith that is grounded in work and obligation. I can't possibly do this. I have tried everything and nothing is right and now I am waiting for the answer that cannot be picked off a shelf and chosen by me to suit - he is going to have to hand me the perfect fit. Which is cool because that is the verse that comes next. I am not fighting this one, regardless of what Timothy says. 'Tis not for me actually Haggai, I am on a different page.

Once again I have started on the mundane and gone on to stretch a ridiculous analogy. I don't care, I like it.

Night x

An Old Irish Blessing with a New Jewish Twist

2009-01-14T00:48:00.005Z

OK so I probably already texted this to anyone I thought cared but I'm still sharing 'cause it's an easy post and makes me smile. That ole' classic blessing turned up today on a bookmark that my dear mother snuck into my green coat pocket and it was so fabulously, irresistably incorporable with a particularly wonderful imagerial encouragement I received recently from a reader (lol) that this arose quite naturally:

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields,
And until we meet again
May God hold you... in the palm of his big hairy Jewish hand.

Russell Brand’s autobiography is my new bible

2009-01-09T02:27:00.006Z

I’m not saying I won’t read the original one (bible that is). It’s just, right now, I am more motivated with that ole Booky Wook.

Well, no wonder you’ve lost your faith I hear you cry.

Whatever. I’ve decided that seeking is an attitude of heart and not some kind of perverse discipline.

[Here may be a good time to note that I am desperately trying to catch up with the past few days and have barely gotten things down here without moving on and discovering more but I'm going to try and give a bit of a journey and not skip straight to the most recent.]

One time, say last February, I was too depressed to read my bible or do anything really and I was reading Russell then too (it takes me a long time to finish books due to concentration problems) whereupon God spoke to me through the line "If celebrity hynotist Paul McKenna can't help me then who can?".

So I figure, it could happen again… and I rather think it might be.

Now I can’t be sure that I never meant any of my passion before. As Russell says quite aptly:
“My zeal was potent, as is often the case with the newly converted in any faith.”
Who knows, perhaps I too am just disgruntled by the lack of immediacy for my cause (though I rather doubt it since this didn’t come after a dry period by actually quite the opposite).
However, whether I did or not and whether it was real (which is what I am doubting right now) or not, I am definitely not feeling the love at the moment.

I’ve been told by tons of people I know a surprising amount of stuff for a newbie. Like the bible and that and just the idea that it is all about Jesus, simply looking to and becoming more like him and that everything else will follow. It’s true. Objectively. I’m not a statistician by trade but my sample group has been sufficiently large and diverse, even my dad noticed the other day! I don’t know how this has happened, I have quite a good memory I suppose and who knows, maybe God played a part too.

So, with all this behind me I have been playing the game very very well. Kidding everyone, perhaps even me (though I may have been in denial).

And one of the main keys I realised pretty quick is: SUBMISSION.

I never got why people struggled with it. I am very much an all or nothing at all girl and the few times that I have found it tricky I still manage to say I want to want to and it all worked out cool. I prouded myself (you know there’s a problem when pride is involved) on the fact that I was surrendered in every area of my life. “Force me to be free” was my prayer (for those of you that don’t know Rousseau I will explain this some time) and it was seemingly working, even if I had to repeat it several times a day. I don’t mean that I was perfect but I really thought that I was, theoretically at least, open with it all… an act of will maybe but it only takes our will and then God’s power comes in and makes all things possible. (Imagine a caveat at this point.)

The thing I’ve realised now though is that I have been living a legalistic life. I haven’t submitted ‘cause I really love God and want to follow everything He says but because by doing so I know that I will be best off. Selfish designs to succeed in everything I do. I am one for getting “it” right and so The Way and The Truth and The Life spells out to me exactly what I have been looking for. Always a bit of a control freak (as well as a perfectionist) I carried these traits through with me... I think it is rather ironic that I was trying to keep a handle on life by giving up control to a being that is omni-everything.

Hence getting stuck into evangelism; striving to be pure in everything; buying/living green and ethically in all that I can. Stopping at every homeless person I meet, at all times living as an example to non-Christian friends etc etc. I don’t mean I always did it right but I sure always felt the call.

It was all like one really big fast, striving for perfection and constantly sacrificing things. And in the same way that when married couples refrain from sex for too long and they end up giving in, I have stopped being able to work at it.

Life is not meant to be always fasting, I worked that out here. I’ve been working for a place of intimacy and relationship, telling myself that if I form the habit of love I will inhabit the form of it. Which isn't a bad concept in itself about needing to choose to change but when applied willy nilly can have disastrous effects. I knew all about grace in my head but not on my heart.

So no longer.

I hadn't quite worked all this out on Monday morning as I set off home; and I was still pretty sleepy from the late night drafting my last blog, not to mention pissed off. So that day I embraced the fact that I no longer wanted to try. Nothing too risky, but here are some of the boundaries I pushed then and over the following day or so:

Drinking coffee when I wasn't in a good place (lol, it's bad trust me!)
Buying non fairtrade chocolate (peanut butter chunky kitkats are Good)
Speeding along the motorway (it is pure legalism to not I realise)
Shopping in Tesco. More specifically actually buying a jumper there and all kinds of things wrapped in plastic and of dubious source.
I also realised an area I may not have submitted (being open to conviction about swearing) but didn't give a shit by that point
Thinking unloving things and not being afraid to allow it
Watching TV, namely catching up on EastEnders, all day long

It's not a fully encompassing list.
Note that I am still not a fan of Cosmo magazine.

I hadn't really thought it through much, other than that I was not prepared to do it anymore. So I wouldn't. You know what? I enjoyed it. All of it.

Do I feel different now to how I was before all the God happened, or have I been reset? That question was open for a day or so. I suppose what it is really asking is much deeper about the nature of the change that you go through when your spirit is reborn. I know that after the initial anger and disregard I don't hate myself hardly at all. Indeed I am pretty empowered in ways that I haven't been recently to get myself together. And I'm not sure that is a bad thing.

In fact. There seems to be some pretty good things coming out of this. Not unlike the advice I got from EVERYONE that has been motivationally writing/talking to me! I suppose I am slightly more inclined to God now than I was a couple of days ago. I'm not actually sure I had a faith issue so much as a methodology issue. I was surprised by how much (granted apathetic) expectation I had for it to be resolved in the end. I just don't care much, 'tis all.

This piece of writing has come out a bit backwards (given I started this morning and ended on last Monday) but overall progress is forwards. I reckon I am discovering good lessons and really having bad things gotten rid of. The thought I had on Tuesday that my ability to trust had gone and I needed something akin to a mini rerevelation is over. I have enough in the memory bank to know God is there.

And if he wants me to do things right now let him convict me, for sure, but I ain't living a life that is a constant mission of my own. This burden is light, come on Kat(i)e let's apply some of the head knowledge.

Does that sound bad? Good thing I still don't care. There is more to come but this is hard to organise in my mind and I am more than ready for bed (note: this has been written over the course of about a day and a half, started thurs am and actually finally published fri eve). So to bed I will go...

Oh and, er, just for a POI and it may mean nothing as people are only now coming into post-Christmas routine, but my hits have gone WAY up since I started writing about this. Well who’d have thought… struggles are more interesting, I’ll bear that in mind ;-)

Backtrack

2009-01-06T01:20:00.005Z

I’m blogging ‘cause I want to. Deal with it. The paper evolved to something more exciting and more manageable which is now on hold because I am having a personal crisis, so I am back. For the time being anyway.

I went on a Christian conference and stopped believing. Worse than that, I went on an Evangelism incentivating weekend and stopped loving others.

We are talking genuinely not caring about unreached people groups.

I wish I could tell you I’m better now but I can’t. I can tell you how I feel about it all though.

Like I’ve lost everything.

I draft this on a Sunday night. On Saturday I felt aflame. I had some wicked bad chats with people I care about over Christmas. Thought I was getting really excited about God’s work in my life and in how he uses/is going to use me. Even at the start of the conference I was like 'ooooh I’m getting encouragement and guidance and lovin’ all this surrender'.

Then in the blink of an eye it was gone. I was in shock. Confused. Crying a lot and just realising that the whole thing was made up. Back in March my best friend stopped being my friend when I first discovered God and said I was always bound to “‘cause I was so miserable all the time.” Oh my goodness 'they have a point' I could suddenly see. In the midst of this I have to go out and do street evangelism which either was a huge success ‘cause God wants to show he can use me in my weakness or out of some irony that it is still about how bloody good I am at approaching randoms and “fulfilling my commission”.

As I realised more and more how I just don’t care like I should about these video clips we are seeing, I must have one by one broken down in front of everyone from my “team”. Great. Now I’m attention seeking.

Later we had a Christian rock band (lol) come and do a gig and all I wanted to do was dance and love it but all I could think was “my bubble has burst and now it is over”. The worst it’s ever been since the start. I eventually ended up talking to my dear friend Grace (so glad of her name!) and the situation came down to thus: I can’t possibly just start believing again by choice ‘cause it will be fake, like I was always afraid it was and had (I thought) worked through the first time. It could be Satan backlashing to good stuff, for example how the evening before I felt I had loads of direction to write a column for the regular student paper (pray if you believe) particularly in this verse, but I can’t assume that either. The joke was that Satan lying to me is the less of two evils (the greater being that it is definitely not real, obviously).

Somehow though, I came to a bit of a point where I could, almost bizarrely, have some semblance of hope. Wrapped in irony and cynicism I concluded that there was a chance this could all be part of God working amazingly in me as a response to certain areas I have been praying about. Particularly given a friend prophesied over me in November that God would drop in really deep foundations of The Word, Hope, Faith and Love that would be incredibly painful ‘cause he wanted to do it quickly so that I was “ready” soon. The first three I have had sort of confirmation over (not that they are finished, obviously, it is always a work in progress) but I was (and still am) battling with the love (not never having it but like it was not consistent to or from me and still had a long way to go, I may explain at greater length another time). It is the greatest of these after all. Last term was not easy but it was not unbearable… and then this weekend the pain started to hit. Wow. The very opposite of love became so true for me.

So when Grace said she felt like God was doing something really deep (which I took with huge amounts of ‘yeah buts’) I shared that other prophecy and she got all excited ‘cause she said that when her sister had a baby recently she wanted it to be quick and the midwife told her it would be much more painful if it was and she just had to not resist the pain and go with it. Grace is certain that’s a word for me – that for this to happen I just need to let it hurt and see the fruit that comes straight after.

What do I think? I dunno, that I have nothing to lose I ‘spose. It’s either gonna be even better than before all this, or the worst thing ever, and both answers require simply waiting. Sure I’ll let it hurt, be it from sheer surrender or because I am too miserable about my life being over to care. Time will tell.

The funny funny thing is that since I got this decision I’ve started being less upset and more cynical. I am now doubting my doubt and think it is me trying to find something exciting in the fact that I am nearly a whole 8 months old and seeing the reality of life instead of the holiday. Yet I can’t make it happen now, even if I am subconsciously faking the pain.

So I’m just waiting for deliverance – ba dum ch. I will still keep some semblance of 'The Life' up of course, not sure how much... I just hope that God’s scale of quick is one that I can relate to. Until then, everything will just have to come with caveats. For example: God is so amazing isn’t he? Or else not at all real that is.

Wouldn’t it be strange if my blog turned non-Christian half way? I wonder what that would do to my hits?

Seriously, a post-script as I publish. I figure either I was totally wrong about all what has happened thus far and am at the brink of it going horribly wrong; or that God is Sovereign and can bring me back 'cause he is faithful even when we aren't. Apparently. There hopes to be a sequel as another day has brought development of sorts but my bed is calling me for now...

Resolutions and Change

2008-12-31T17:45:00.009Z

Can I sum up in one post everything that I want to say?

The year is over. Only a few short hours away. Christmas has been an exciting but bewildering time. Having seen quite a few of my peers from my youth I have come into the realisation that I am on the cusp of being a grown up. Not a "young adult" or pretending anymore but actually fully matured with bills to pay and lives to plan. I'm not quite there yet but I reckon by the time my degree is over my establishment in adulthood will be well and truly made. I already am a bit of a wuss when it comes to late nights and hardcore socialising! My bob will be in place, my future starting to take shape and there will be no more excuses. Fortunately(?) I am not actually there yet but it seems close on the horizon...!

So where am I at? Well this term has seen me change as much as in the previous three months. A real time of finding and removing the bones and cleansing the land to get it ready for what is going to happen next. I feel my faith growing and am seeing more of God's power moving, in what feels like a direct result of that. I have had wonderful times of sharing what's happened to me, finding communities to build, experiencing good leadership and receiving great support. I've learnt that relationships and interdependency are what life is about and how we need to start actively working in our locality to be Jesus and see change occur.

Joy is oh so key. It is our strength even in the valleys, which these past few months have felt a bit like at times. But what a fruitful one it has been: really immediate and deep friendships with like minded people forming; establishing a Women of God community where we are seeking to live holistic lives of integrity; finding a place in Bristol as somewhere I feel my heart lies. Rediscovering love and what that is all about - everything. It is all you need. A many splendoured thing. I'm excited that two of the main things I have been involved in/am getting involved in are called Agapé and LoveBristol respectively. Love love love. God is love which is why it really is the most important thing, above all other agendas. I read 2 John yesterday and particularly appreciated how it was for a woman (though it really is relevant to everyone). This bit really jumped out at me:

"And now, dear lady, I am not writing you a new command but one we have had from the beginning. I ask that we love one another. And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love."

I've got chills they're multiplying. And it isn't the coffee... Which I drink now, from time to time. Probably the reason this post is a bit disconnected! Finding peace in myself leaves me a lot freer to do such things (in moderation obviously) though I don't think I like being this woosey so I won't make a regular habit of it!

What now then? As I go into the new year I have several practical goals for the next stage:

To start a trust fund like a scholarship for homeless people with a specific need. I hate meeting those that, for want of mere money, are trapped in a viscous and destructive cycle.

To start a free shop - let's beat the system man! I'm clearing out and as I slowly break free of the consumerist "stuff" pattern I want to see a trend being set for change. It's obviously not working and the world is finally starting to see it so let's facilitate that.

To give more to my communities, living an integrated holistic life and putting faith into practice.

To eat more "whole" foods and start cooking/baking from scratch.

To commit to finishing my degree and being dedicated to that - and finding cool God moments in the maths!

To pray more!! That's the hardest one I think.

To make more music (though I fear that is for the second half of the year once the work is done).

To write a student alternative newspaper that promotes living a different life to the way the world functions. On an environmental and economic slant promoting community, sustainability, rediscovered identity and creativity. Holistic living and a loving lifestyle. Sounds a bit glib but I have hopes and as we look for "Another Way" the idea is to introduce The Way, in Truth and be intentionally evangelical with it. 'Cause duh, that is the whole point isn't it? This last one goes in bold as it will require the most work and 'cause I want you to pray for it...!

On top of all this I want to see more of God's love and power in my life and get to know him more and deepen our relationship... but then really, who doesn't?!

Let's face it though. This is a lot and will take a hell of a commitment not to mention supernatural support. I feel, in order to be realistic, that from my perspective something has to give... and that something is going to be Baby Got Brit.

As I mentioned before, when I started writing I was in a different place. Half my time could be spent living and the other half telling my blog readers about it :-P Now I barely have a moment spare to tell myself and it is just unsustainable to try and capture it here. And we all know that unsustainable is not good. I am not nearly as compulsive which is great for me but means I am not obsessing over blogging and have found it increasingly hard to do so. There are tons of incomplete stories in my draft box and I have to accept that it just can't happen right now.

The thing is, as I have said before, writing alone isn't going to do very much. My observational skills have been honed and there is now no denying that I am fully equipped to understand all the analogies and can no longer hide behind the analysis - it is time to close my laptop and get my hands dirty.

It's not a total goodbye. For one thing once the degree is done it might be the right time - I am considering voluntary unemployment for a while (not that I will necessarily have the option anyway) which may or may not leave me free to write... plus I will still put the odd (quite literally) thing up in the interim if I write a poem or an article for proposed magazine. You never know, I may even pop by for a chat randomly or if I find something funny (so long as I don't use it as a procrastination tool - keep me accountable!) but the point is that my life is no longer going to be available for download. This processor can't cope with how big it's got - there are simply too many bits of information to communicate.

Lol, now it's over I'll suddenly want to be here all the time! I can't say for sure what will happen and once again this may be another big idea that doesn't quite work out and I will return, wiser. But, as with attempting a homeless choir in 3 months (check out 'Homeless Stuffs' tag) with limited French and no idea didn't quite pan into a Sister Act moment, it did still turn out with God saying it was cool. We had a gig at the end of the engaGE week and it was a wonderful time where there was joy living in that place, the staff suddenly went from miserable to fun loving and people got a chance to have the something-more-than-just-dinner moment that I first been inspired by. The last day I was there a lady spoke to me that never had before saying in perfect English that she had really enjoyed it and I felt like it had all been worthwhile. So I think even if my "big ideas" seem a little over-reaching it will be OK and God can turn them to something sweet. Better than doing Fuck All anyway, in't it?

Alors, bye bye baby, Baby bye bye. Who knows what the future brings... the story goes on but not right here right now. Stay in touch, the open invite still remains (though ideally do ring first!) and if we never "speak" again I hope to see you on the other side...

Love Kat(i)e x x x

I should go to bed but...

2008-12-29T00:25:00.009Z

I was writing a rough journal and a thought that started forming earlier this evening started forming a bit more and I figured as I was writing it down why not articulate and share. Being in suburban London right now I feel a little cut off from the rest of the world so this way I can pretend I am still in touch.

Can't be arsed to review Christmas just yet. It was good, busy, a big haze of thinking and storing up and pondering but then I suppose that is what the end of the year is for. Mary had the right idea.

What was it from today?

Firstly a circumstance that arose out of a little thing (which had been discussed at lunch in the context of mathematically modelling God's plan - not easy!). Namely a pizza that a friend and I shared and both felt at the end, with our doggie bags, that it was not worth buying such a large one as, since we were back home, dinner was provided. Stupid money that cost (for a student you understand). Ah well, we'll learn. Then on the way home, as I debated munching it anyway before dinner as something to do on the train (instead I got so into this book that I missed my stop and nearly missed it again coming back!), I was convicted to give it to a homeless lady I saw. Thus dealing with several issues at once, not least self-control. But probably most, the importance of acting on what I believe. Not a huge amount, I still can't handle that I fear, but to say that I need to practise what I preach and get down to a little bit of sharing the love and appreciating people, all people, is quite an understatement.

We had a wicked time, I always do with those that aren't bound up in this crappy society; I wonder there is any point coming back to it sometimes. I am already comfortable and indulgent and compromising my actions but a few hours on. One thing that she said, that I had read in the aforementioned book but hadn't expected to see it so clearly and so soon after, was that all the c*nts that were rude, tried to pimp her/buy her, ignore and degraded her... all these people just went to show that the ones that didn't were that much more special. She said that she saw the 1% that was good and that she didn't think many people in London even saw that. Talk about an attitude of gratitude. And such a testimony to how I see evil - the way it is there to contrast against God that we may understand how bloody fantastic He is and choose to love Him. You can't comprehend light until you see the contrast with darkness.

Not the point of this post. The point was this:
She commented on my boots and said that she like them. That she spent a lot of time at street level and so had become quite aware of such things. Then she said that she had spotted me walking past before, 'cause I had quite a distinctive outft on (I was wearing a mixture of furry snow boots, bright red and leopard print I confess) and asked me why I had come back (I did the Levite before I did the Good Samaritan). I didn't tell her it was 'cause I didn't want to get fat munching on the train but it did make me think later... She saw me, standing out in the crowd, I was not just another pair of shoes. I see a lady on the street and I think she is obvious because she is outcast and different but I (despite my outfit choices - these thing are only relevant to the analogy not the message) will merge into the crowd and pass by unnoticed. Eh-eh (imagine gameshow blunder sound). There is no excuse, there is no reason, there is no opting out of that scenario. We cannot blend into the background and pretend that we are not part of that scene, that hustle and bustle; we have been spotted and are implicated whether we like it or not.

I'm going to quote Shane now, quoting yet someone else again, 'cause he is my (and everyone else's at the moment!) new "hero". It won't be as eloquent I warn you now:
Guy says to another guy "I want to ask God why he lets so much poverty and suffering happen in the world but I'm afraid He will ask me the same question back."
We are God's hand and feet on earth now that Jesus isn't here, the body of Christ as it were, so if we see things that need doing, duh, aren't we the instruments to get it done? That last bit was very much in the words of K.B. but the principles run deeper even that S.C. nay twas J.C. Himself.

Blimey. This is some serious shit. We're talkin' 'bout a revolution, sounds, like a whisper.

151 seconds to go...

2008-12-24T23:57:00.006Z

... till my first Christmas! I am going to blog now, wrap some gifts and open a sneaky pressie from my friend Grace before hanging out the stocking and waiting for Santa. Whose name is oddly like Satan and I wonder if there are some crazy Christians out there who are suspicious of that fact. I wonder if I am one of them! Lol.

So, my thought for Christmas time is this. Elf. I love that film. Prime candidate to see Jesus in. The three rules of elves are as follows:
1) Treat everyday like Christmas
2) There's room for everyone on the nice list
3) The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing out loud for all to hear
If that doesn't scream Christianity I don't know what does.

The interesting thing is that straight after I watched Elf last night I watched Con Air. Also a bit of a classic and a total story about a Joseph type character stuck in prison but persevering with lots of feel good sacrifice and at least one reformed character who was changed (I like to think) by the simple "He's got the whole world in His hands" song and find himself free and starting afresh at the end of the film. A wonderful line: "I'm going to show you that God does exist", what a joy.

Elf and Con Air... quite different. Like the facets of God really. The first consistent feature is that they both have a character called Francisco; the second in the current of Hope. Watch them this Christmas and look out for Jesus.

Experimenting with Haiku's, Christmas stylee

2008-12-23T17:35:00.006Z

I know I haven't been writing but I'm just too muddled in my head. It's been a busy term, the end in particular, and finding time to put it all together into words has proven tricky. I've been to six parties and six carol services already and now I've arrived at the parent's in London I am finding myself doing all kinds of visiting and whatnot so my intentions of catching up in the tranquility of home life are not quite being fulfilled.

To top it all off I have been thinking a lot about Christmas and it confuses me. I have a lot of joy for this season, a lot of expectation for good things (and no I don't mean presents) and am loving that it is my first Christmas with Jesus. Last year I said to someone that I wanted to be a Christian by Christmas 'cause then it would be even better and they said to me that God has His own way of doing things and I would be best to accept and follow His plans (or something like that, which was far more helpful than telling me to just go do it) and they were SO right. This way has rocked much more that last year would have 'cause I've had the time (7 months exactly in fact) to get to know Jesus better, making it much more special. In the words of the first track of my first ever Christian Christmas album (Wow Christmas(!)): "It's going to be a Christmas to remember"; and I don't think that is because of snow.

Yet at the same time it is a bit strange to see the world as we know it changing and how the consumer driven society that I am still, unwittingly, oft a part of is crumbling while the unseasonal mildness becomes actually quite worrying. This year is definitely different for more than one reason and I am finding the contrast interesting and a bit strange. I failed to put it into words and so decided to try my hand at a haiku. I like poetry 'cause it encourages me to express myself in limited vocabulary, these being even more restrictive, and while I haven't quite achieved a one verse wonder I still thought I'd share:

Winter is not cold
The shops are so empty now
Something’s going wrong

Different plan this year
Can’t ignore facts anymore
Something’s going wrong

Headlines of despair
It will continue to change
When did it go wrong?

Yet in the face of all this fear the message of Christmas remains simple.

Oh Immanuel
Today brings change for us all
Love joy peace and hope

So I suppose that Christmas (or rather Christ, who is after all the reason for the season) is even more pertinent now in the financial/environmental/social clime that hangs over us.

Oh dark fearful fog
Hovering low and heavy
All lights dimmed but One

I could get used to this writing in verse!

In case we don't speak
May your Christmas be blessèd
Lots of love from me

x x x

Whoops

2008-12-11T23:09:00.005Z

I didn't do the reading for my seminar today.

I mean, I didn't even check what it was and pretend - which is all I usually manage anyway.

I have been very busy and working hard (term ends tomorrow!!) and, well, it was not feasible and I knew it wasn't the most important thing anyway. I have my essay idea sort of in-hand and anyway if you learn too much it pushes the old stuff out...

I really really really wish I had though. We were looking at two papers - opposing arguments type thing - and two boys in the group had to present on them. Easy. I sit and take notes on what they say and if anything relevant does come up then I go read it later. The first was by some bloke called Williamson: one interesting thing I actually heard was about how metalanguages (that is like English like) aren't fully logical but we do get them so what does it matter and if we have the choice between expressing ourselves and "technically making sense" then the first is totally the best one. I agree with this guy, semantic pessimism sucks arse.

I'll give you an example. "I've packed everything" clearly doesn't mean everything but we know what it is on about. Hell, we even get little annoying jokey retorts like "Even the kitchen sink?" from it. People know what we mean and why faff about the details?

The other day in class I actually ranted about this annoying semantical debate saying, and I do believe this is verbatim(ish), that "this whole course is just about saying the same thing in different ways then arguing about which is right. It doesn't matter... Can you model stuff? Yes. Then it works!" That didn't go down so well...

And I think deciding that the seminar was so boring I wasn't going to pretend to pay attention didn't either. It wasn't like it was anyone's fault, I just couldn't be arsed to try to get it. When the lad doing the response piped up I did have one thought, which was: "why didn't they say who the were presenting on? What is my subheading supposed to be?". Paper's are normally referred to by the author as though we all know the dude. Like, Boolos was all over it being about... I don't remember... Plural Quantification maybe? This one didn't even get named on the handout.

Halfway through looking like I didn't give a shit I realised WHY they hadn't introduced it. Despite the fact that the usually well spoken boy was talking in such a strange way along the lines of "you then do this and you say that" I didn't clock till I looked at the pages in his hand that the author was MY TUTOR. The dude that we DO all know. Sitting on my other side having himself (misre)presented to a room full of bored looking students. I could have died. The first week I haven't made any effort at all and he is so nice I just wanted to comment. But I really hadn't got a clue.

Oh deary deary deary. And what is more worrying is that I think he opposes everything I have ever thought (and expressed) about Philosophy of Maths. I suppose dedicating your life to it is already quite an opposing view point... Give me Evolutionary Game Theory any time. My friend wrote a paper about "Wishful Thinking", I'm planning on writing a model for "Disappointment", it's cool; I can't even begin to care about the best way to contrive set hierarchies or which language to describe them in - one people can UNDERSTAND.

I have reached my intellectual limitations and I'm not even close to being humbled.

The Analogy That Keeps on Giving

2008-12-10T23:03:00.009Z

I am waiting for growth. Enjoying it short while it lasts. Surely I can let the metaphor go for a while.

But no! What's happened now? I hear you ask. Is the style growing out, maybe I got a trim or a perm (wow that would not work at all)? I actually think that the shape is doing OK. I may or may not tidy it up when I get back to London but it seems to have lasted alright.

I have simply made an insightful observation based upon pre-existing features.

Before I got the chop and went for the "cut the crap and start again approach" to my hair. I was trying to bring it back to ginge (which, in case you didn't know due to repeated brainwashing of jealous people, is a wonderful colour akin to gold and totally cool) the artificial and "fast-tracked" way. That is through dye. The latest time I tried this, when my roots were already at least an inch long, they used an "organic permanent mix" instead of the usual semi as it would be better for the condition. Organic you say? Bring it on I say. BUT, you know what this means? The bit of root I had that ended up being the bulk of the short drastic 'starting again' haircut was actually dyed.

Which meant that I turned out to be more ginger than I actually am naturally.

Only fractionally, maybe a shade more orange, but it does notice in the right light (now my true true roots are coming through) and the overall effect is subtly but significantly brighter.

And this is where it gets clever see. I have been thinking about how maybe I have been being a bit "too" Christian of late. Like, it started out funny and it still is a lot of the time but I don't want to become someone that is all about generic identity and forgetting the fearfully and wonderfully made part.

Looking for your new identity in Christ can be hard, particularly when there are things in your old identity that are tied in with negative conotations. The temptation is to say these things I knew about me are wrong and I need to "find myself" again but you know what, Jesus has already found me. I once was lost but he left those 99 sheep to look for me and is now rejoicing over me with singing. Along with all the angels. I just need to take out the bits of debris that I picked up in the wilderness.

For example: I talk a lot. I mean a lot. There are good things in this. Some of my friends have really encouraged me with statements such as "I like it 'cause it means I don't have to" and it sure comes in handy with some people some of the time and certain types of in-your-face evangelism. But this verbosity has been a bit of point of tension for me, particularly recently since, delightful character trait though it is, it becomes hard to pretend that being "too much" is always other people's problem. I mean, you seldom hear people say that Russell Brand just isn't understood properly and should be put in charge of more things, do you?! Unless you hear it from me that is... "They just can't handle me" was not something that Paul said about mixing with both the Jews and Gentiles etc. So from this came the temptation to believe, based upon the times that I miss the mark, that I am actually just totally wrong in myself. I sure didn't want to live in denial of things I need to change.

The idea of refinement vs rejection of these qualities got a bit muddled up till I wasn't really sure where the old me and the new me changed over. I know I do get it wrong and have a tendency to sometimes speak compulsively and without due care and attention but I didn't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater and assassinating my whole unique character seemed a bit drastic. Confusing.

But the hair thing helps a lot.

As I see it, I am a hell of a lot closer to natural than platinum blonde was. In all the process of trying to force myself into God's identity for me I just got a bit carried away and over did it. But it is relatively small, it will not last forever and it isn't a bad bad match. In time the ends will become a smaller ratio of dyed to real and then, little by little, get trimmed away. (Mum, could you book me that appointment actually please!)

People that know me of late think I'm a bit off the wall; people that knew me before Switzerland think I have calmed down a lot; people that watched it happen... I don't really know what they think...! But somewhere in the middle of all this is a happy balance and I just need to peace out and let God make it happen. In time. As I wait patiently and don't try and force it 'cause actually that don't work. I am alright. I am not perfect. I am in the best possible hands.

When was in GVA and we did the gig (a prime time for God showing me insecurities I forgot I had) we dressed up in *quite* silly outfits. Both my other band members (which is why I am putting their pic up too! Share the responsibility...) wanted orange hair and I am game for most things. So we did this:

Which now screams to me to be the perfect symbol of what I am not supposed to do. Put on make up and fake it to make the issues go away. I ain't conforming for anyone, it isn't about being as orange as I can (fun though it sometimes is!) but about being as orange as I am supposed to be. The blonde in strawberry blonde is there for a reason.

Best of both. Like hovis only not bread.

Bah Humbug

2008-12-10T00:19:00.009Z

I am such a boring old fart. I've had it with Christmas parties. Everyone pretending it is going to be amazing when really it is just hyped up normal time but with people more uncomfortable, stressed, with silly expectations and sore feet. Don't get me wrong, all 4 of the ones I've been to so far have been enjoyable (went to a Ceilidh tonight!)... but it's hard work to keep merry for that long and I usually want to be at home curled up on the sofa with a cup of tea.

I really am old before my time. But it is difficult. I go to uni with people who are all at least 2 years younger than me and I already feel older than I am most of the time (I keep accidentally lying about my age). I hate being a student. I hate the stereotype and the funny hours and the lack of respect and the way people assume you like to stay up late and get wasted. I don't. I like to stay up late and write my blog and if I do drink alcohol I almost always want to fall asleep afterwards.

I still love learning. I have that to be thankful for. Today I had an exam worth 25% of my French unit and, while there are loads of things that weren't amazing and the listening was chronic, I was a bit prepared. And all because I did work! Which sounds pathetic and I don't want to self curse but I do find work very very hard to concentrate on. But today, in the space of about 5.5 hours I did I'd say at least 2.5 worth. Mixed up with chilling and eating and showering and playing the piano and all other good stuff. OK it sounds ridiculous but for me that was a miracle and a sign, a HUGE sign, that God is actually working in my life.

My second presentation last week was another one. The first I did before visiting La Suisse and I was grateful I managed to do anything (I had been so scared it wouldn't work out and I would lose all faith in God). The second one I genuinely believed that He would be there and He was. I remember saying to myself that this was not going to be fun but it was going to happen... and it did! And it went quite OK too - got a few laughs and that's what philosophy of maths is about afterall... I actually feel more faithful. I think.

What am I even talking about? There are two points me thinks. I am amazed and delighted that my work is starting to turn a corner. I am a boring Scrooge today that has lost her Christmas cheer and feels in limbo.

But I must remember what dear Jo said to me tonight. It was about my hair. She has wonderful long locks that I want badly but she said that sometimes she just wants to be short and choppy and crazy. That I need to get it out on my system now so that when I have it long I won't pine for the funky times. Transferring that to the analogy and fit it together with some of the other disconnected thoughts I've been having recently and I suppose one could say I need to live young, free and single while it lasts. Enjoy the journey, enjoy the crazy funky cool mystery that is not really knowing what is going on and be fresh while I still am (given that I am not actually physically that old comparatively and definitely not spiritually). I don't really know how much longer the hair will be short anyway. Could be weeks, could be years. Better make the most of it! Spike it up a bit and don't force the parting before it is really there...

I am just hoping I can do these things from the comfort of my own living room.

P.S. My blogging is off form at the moment. Sorry. Don't give up, I've got some good 'uns up my sleeve... Laters.

Passing Thoughts

2008-12-08T00:41:00.007Z

People go on about secret sin. Does that mean if it's not secret it's OK? I feel like sometimes all we have to do to make it OK is confess it but people, it's still there! Some of my sin is worse when it's not secret 'cause it's obvious. Like, not being gracious. Stay between me and God: sort it out and say sorry; show/tell other people: cruel, bitchy and potentially astray leading. Plus, isn't telling people sometimes a bit like bragging? "Oh I feel so bad, I went out last night and pull these three amazing birds and now they all keep ringing me and I don't know how to tell them I'm not interested and I don't go out with non-Christians." Lol, no I don't know that person - but don't you want to judge them? Ah ha! Sin. Shit, I led you astray...

Also, I'm annoyed that the Christmas message has already gotten old on me. I've only been to my third carol service of the season and I am already done with it. How do you long timers last? I can see what C.S.Lewis meant when he talked about time being one of the greatest weapons of the enemy. When I got back to England I was sort of told by someone that I would calm down and reality would kick in. It was my biggest fear and my reaction was a total denial and refusal. Now what? Angel, mother, stable, baby, angels, shepherds, star, kings, escape. Ta da!

Don't be like me. Do pray for me (seriously if you're gonna then do it before Tuesday: I have an exam).

Sorry to be a grumpy! N'night x

Thinkin 'bout Angels

2008-12-07T14:48:00.008Z

I was at a uni carol service on Friday and it was the first time this season that I've really heard the Christmas message. I went to another service at Bath Abbey last week which was a rather fabulous setting but I don't think there was much direct bible storyage... this one went through the birth, the shepherds and the wisemen - each with a bit of a "thought" afterward about how you would actually interpret this humanly. That is: teenage mum in a dark, dirty, smelly stable; shepherds all rough and scary and untrustworthy; the wisemen being, I don't remember but not a Christmas card stereotype. Two things that really came to mind:
1) Carols are not written in a good key. Bearing in mind the church wants to try and get people in at Christmas with the lure of a good singsong I really think they should drop them all by about a third.
2) I was thinkin about how Christmas looked from Heaven. Like, from the angels perspective. In particular this line I love that goes: "Heaven sings Hallelujah, Hallelujah the earth replies."
You look at the story of the shepherds too, with the whole host of angels telling the good news, and it makes you wonder what it was like up there that day.

I don't think about Heaven that much. I will one day but I've got enough to be getting on with for now, plus there's the fact that we can't really know what it will be like. It is kinda cool to sometimes sit and think about all the crazy shit there still is to come though... One thing is for sure, "when like stars His children crowned, all in white shall wait around" doesn't really say it. Hanging around waiting for something to happen whilst wearing a white dress? I don't think so.

What were the angels doing that day though? The real tangible angels that DO exist and are out there serving God on this very earth. Something along the lines of being SO excited that Jesus had come that they got to the point where they couldn't wait anymore, they had to tell someone, they had to sing about it! They had to pop down to earth find the first people they could that would respond (people that really needed this great glad tiding nonetheless) and shout for joy about how amazing it was. A human interpretation on the one hand looking at the dark and difficult side of the Christmas message, the way it was worldlyly so uncomfortable; an angelic interpretation on the other about how incredible and historic and totally indescribably amazing it is that THE SON OF GOD HIMSELF WHO IS ALSO GOD has come in human form to this earth to bring light and hope to all of mankind!!

They were making a cacophony (justifiably I do believe) and they weren't just about then. Everywhere they are there, rejoicing at our reconciliation, witnessing and cheering us on, protecting and delivering us. Not to mention the fighting of our spiritual battles, bringing messages from God, transporting people on their wings(!), worshipping alongside us... Really and truly actually there!

I really enjoyed reading 'The Screwtape Letters' when I was a bit nearer the start of this journey. I confess I didn't actually finish it as I gave it back to Miss Spitfire before I left and never got round to getting another copy, but I love how it brings the spiritual into the real world and makes you think about what is going one around us that we can't see. Jennifer Rees Larcombe has written a spectacular book which does something quite similar from an angel's perspective. It's title is 'An Angel Called Mervin'. I heard a section read out at my sister's church a while back and really wanted to get it - I found out C had a copy and she brought it round this week... I just started reading the prologue when I had to stop to write! I will totally transcribe the whole piece when I find it, it is that good, but for now this is something from the preface:
"I believe spiritual warfare is all about holy angels fighting fallen angels, but it is human faith which decides which side wins in each skirmish"

Yet again: prayer. Prayer is a powerful weapon. DO IT.

To Eat or not To Eat, that is the question...

2008-12-06T20:59:00.009Z

Fasting: this is really good to do. I have had amazing success in fasting for the purpose of seeing breakthrough in prayer. I have had amazing connections with God and hearing His still small voice. I have also had absolutely awful experiences, some when my attitude has been wrong, some when it has been right and I don't know why.

I was fasting through Advent and treating it like a Lent period for me. I thought it was a really good idea. Thing is I am trying to pray for different people every day like and really want good cheer and hope to be spread through this season and be for life, not just for Christmas. So my advent calender is a list of 24 different people and I decided to do a fast until Christmas eve.

I especially thought it was a good idea given that Christmas is a season for lack of self-control and I notoriously have this (as I have shared before) and want to work on it in all areas of my life. So I figured showing discipline in eating is a good way to go about it and would bring me closer to God in this season and deal with something that sometimes gets in the way.

How is fasting for me? Some people say it is about being hungry so they remember to pray. I get that, I do it, but it isn't the main thing. I think the best way I understood fasting was that by not giving in to you fleshly demands of hunger you can somehow get out of this physical mindset and be in a place that can get closer to God by tapping into your spiritual side more. I know that's vague and feel free to correct or expand or whatever...

So anyway, when a friend was doing a lunch fast on the 1st December it just felt right to do it too. Then to carry it on till the 24th... Right?

The thing I hate about humanity is fickleness. How can we be so sure of what we want or what we think we have to do one minute and then the next be completely confused by how wrong it suddenly seems. I get so much comfort out of knowing that at least God gets me 'cause so much of the time I really don't!

First day it was great. Second day I was like, OK, there is a difference between enduring hunger and being too weak to concentrate on my studies. Plus I was not eating day time but getting to the evening and being really really hungry so having big dinners; and also thinking "I need energy for the day so I'll have a big breakfast". Which ended up looking like it had the potential to become a binge-starve-binge sandwich (or not!) and defo not what it was all about. I have a tendency to do things to extremes but I knew this was not good so I decided on day 3 that, though it had been really successful it was not prolong-able, and I would have a fast involving disciplined regular meals and being really strict with myself. Lol, you'll love this, I told my friend in an email:

"I am now doing a 'no snacking or seconds or unneccesarily eating etc' fast as it was starting to feel a bit legalistic."

Now, am I right or am I right that this statement epitomises legalism?!

No snacks, seconds, cake, treats, fun... friends, pleasures, comfort, central heating, nice clothes... hell I should just go live in a cave and pray.

That drove me mad. Suddenly I wasn't even sure when I was allowed to eat. I didn't know if my hunger was hunger or if it was seeking comfort or gratuitous pleasure in food. It felt like I was damned if I do and damned if I don't. I didn't think about it much till after I got my presentation finished on the 4th day [Thank God so much I got that done - it was pushed to the far edge of available time but my ability to eventually concentrate was nothing short of miraculous and it feels like God is growing my faith in such things by leaving me wholly dependent on Him to help me.] but then, suddenly, I was like "What now?". Can I have half an hour of peace, maybe a nice lunch, before I get into the discipline? Am I allowed a biscuit with my tea if I'm still hungry or is it only dry bread? Argggggghhhh! I was tired, I was stressed, nothing was right because legalism vs consumerism is not a pretty fight and so I went to bed till my sister came round after work. Granted I needed it after an early start and 5 hours straight of Philosophy of Maths (!) but going to sleep to avoid dilemmas is probably not what Jesus what have done.

So where am I now? Apart from extremely grateful that C could step up and be wise and supportive and helpful when I needed it? Living each day in God and not forcing a thing I suppose. Remembering that He said really clearly there is no condemnation. I suppose my rule (which is something I've heard and heard and heard and not absorbed then suddenly it just became real to me) for how to live an "extreme" (nay any) spiritual life is:

Only do what I want to do and learn to love God more so that my desires reflect His heart. Then it should all be easy.

Easy is as easy does. Anything's easy if He is our strength (some verses in Isaiah, 2 Corinthians, Matthew). I can't even have a cup of tea without.

Live Repentance feat. Analogy

2008-12-04T23:17:00.016Z

I don't know what to blog about! I have lots of things I could do - both trivial and non - but I don't know which one to choose. I feel like writing about what is most recent given that would be the freshest "off the press" story and some of the others can go on hold easily... But there are even so many recent things to distill.

Had a great morning full of answers to prayer to do with work and hugely augmented faith as a result. Bit of a crash in the middle which I am putting down to Satan being so annoyed at earlier victory but with a great boost from a very well-timed sister! Amazing evening with my girlies which would take a lot of background info but was very inspired and boosting and wonderful... and then there was the drive home.

Not much has happened since I got in the door so I suppose that is the most recent thing.

I have a car. It is a bit of a luxury as a student. Especially given how safe and functional it is! I know I talk about environment and consumerism but I think that this car is OK and, selfishness aside, I will try and justify it. I see it very much as a gift from God and as such try and use it for other people where possible. Not in a "wow I'm holy way" but you know the bible says for those that use their gifts more is given and for those that don't they will be taken away - I figure if I give people lifts I may get my VW camper and if I don't I may have to take the bus. It's a nobrainer! Anyway. I have recently been able to do this a lot. It's cold and dark and there has been a bit of prowler around Brizzle but in that I have been picking up and dropping off girls and, well, I suppose letting God use me to protect them. I love it! So I was thanking him for this tonight when I took my friends home and it led me onto the story of how I got Valerie (the car). Which made me realise in turn some things that I probably needed to repent of! You can be my witnesses.

When I passed my test, back in the summer of '06, I didn't think I'd get a car. Then a friend of a friend was getting rid of their's and offered it my way. Even that was a God thing (not just 'cause they were a Christian) as it really did bless me tons and gave me a sense of freedom and security at a time when I was a bit unsettled and very not free. In honour of the Christianess of the gift I called the car Eli. It was defo a boy and I thought it was a cool name. Well then, a short way into the first term of the next academic year I had a little accident. First POI (point of impetus!): forgive and let go of blame in that - the person who did not indicate, the person who pissed me off before I got in the car, myself for being a numpty. CHECK. I still drove Eli for ages unrepaired, irresponsibly I suppose but the indicator worked - just. I'm sorry for that too - doesn't really show much love does it. When I got home at Christmas, the last day of term in fact (driving on the M25 to be specific) it finally gave up. I get home and I could not go right without waving an arm. Pretty cool stuff that it lasted till then exactly so thanks God!

It was a clear write-off. A car that cost a penny for legalistic ownership sakes was really not worth replacing the whole front and side of. Rubbish. Or not... here's a cunning tip for you kids: if you want a car get one that is cheap and dangerous, put all your brothers and sisters and their spouses in it, go visit the parents, then drive off in the dark with the bonnet making a noise as it scrape along the ground. This happened in the middle of the term and... well... long story short there was an early 21st present waiting for me back home!

The short story long is that they had been so distressed by this scenario that they decided I had to have a new car and it had to be before my birthday (in April) so it would come at Christmas. They chose it carefully and were going to surprise me with it in the new year just before I drove back but seeing my car at a new level of atrocity they ended up telling me straight away. I couldn't get it till the end of the hols 'cause one of the reasons they acted early was so it could first be used by this lovely missionary couple we know that visit England every Christmas back from their project in Uganda.

Well, needless to say I was delighted! Of course they were welcome to the car for now, I was the luckiest girl already. My wheels now had a roll cage! More than than even (important though it is I'm sure) it had a radio controlled lock and CD player!! OK, the crunch time was that it was a Nissan Micra new style... the girliest middle age car ever made and with a weird face at the front. The funny thing about this was that my parents had bought one 6 months prior (which is why they knew it was good) and at the time I had told them not to 'cause I hated them! Lol, that is so them not to remember, how endearing - I was so excited it didn't really matter.

'Cept when there is a though of negativity, even a little bit, there tends to be a build up of frustration in relationships. We say things are OK and push on trying to make it so, telling ourselves that we are bad for feeling, well ingratitude for example. Meanwhile it boils beneath the surface unless you deal with it or it erupts. Forcing loving ain't possible - it needs to come from God or it won't be lasting and for that we need to confess and ask him to help.

I can see you looking shocked that I ever had a problem, even for a minute, with this situation. What can I say - I told you I'm not holy. Spoiled brat comes to mind right...? Well, I agree. I'm all about exposing the past crap and the lies that bring us to that place and you know what, as I told this story to my car full of friends I realised that some of it just never got officially addressed. People at my church talk about "doing business with God" which makes me cringe but it does kinda have a point too. I often find myself saying "I'll do it later" and I realise that sometimes I find it hard to make time and concentrate and bring these things before Him. Well maybe that "another day" attitude is something that we get from Satan trying to stop us dealing with things that we'd benefit "settling up the account" over. So I'm doing it now, live as it were (!) to make sure I don't let that happen.

What happened then? Well Mum and Dad aren't hearing this for the first time - they did eventually bear the fall out of these pent up thoughts. Sorry 'bout that by the way - I'll ring you and do it properly, but sorry. I needed a bit of practise before the motorway trip so I took their Nissan for spin round Sainsbury's car park and it was then that I had a bit of a stress. The thing is Eli (who was a Mazda LX 121) had this really big square back window with visibility to die for (or not!) and I could park easily and see to the left and right and all kinds of good stuff like that. Check him out:

Suddenly a modern car with side bars and rounded design and safely features just didn't do it at all - I could not drive this car. It wasn't right for me; it wasn't 'me'. I panicked, I stressed, I let all the pent up frustrations ever get to me and God wasn't there to dispell that with his love, or heal any insecurities or damages. So I vented. Big time. I've always been a tell-it-like-it-is-girl but I used to be a lot less loving in that and I suppose for all these things I am really sorry too and need to say it - and accept forgiveness too.

At the time though it just came out. That they hadn't checked with me 'cause they wanted to do this for their friends and my input didn't count, they went for a car I told them I didn't like and didn't even care enough to remember that, they didn't actually care about me at all it was just "doing the right thing" and getting rid of potential guilt, their Christian motives came before their parental ones (always a killer for kids of Christians, ask any shrink!), they chose a car they didn't represent me at all - that wasn't anger so much as me being upset that I had to let go of Eli, retro and cool with a red and grey striped interior, boxy shape and tape player on which I listened to all the old Now's; then replace it with a modern girly-but-not-in-a-good-way boring car that made me a grown up before I was ready. I felt like I was missing the window on being a studenty fun cheap car'd chick who could paint patterns and what not. This was it. A few months of that was all I got. A mum-mobile before I was a mum that would last so long I'd be one by then and it would be too late to be cool.

I don't say this 'cause I want to make my folks feel bad. I acknowledge that it was totally not a valid reaction and most people would be shocked that I said this in response to a car given freely and lovingly out of a genuine care for safety and happiness. There was an oversight of not consulting me but it is just as much sweet that they wanted to surprise me and t'was my own "issues" that made this stuff come up, not their mistakes. Deep rooted ones that are put there by the enemy to upset us and drive wedges between people and hide away so we can't identify them. We were talking today about things from when we're young that we then need to deal with as adults. Happens to us all. Which is the point - one lady shared about her friend who had to forgive her mum for neglecting them as kids because she spent all her energies guarding them from an abusive father. It's hardly wrong and the frustrating thing is that were she to have not done that her daughter would be forgiving her for having not guarded them from an abusive father. It seems like a lose-lose situation.

The truth it, pobody is nerfect (I know, I'm sorry). In any relationship (and parents are just the obvious ones 'cause they are so early on and so key) things go wrong 'cause of the fallen human nature. When we grow up, or just move on, we need to take responsibility for this and learn to deal with it by letting God and his love sort out our problems. There was Adam and he brought in the shite but Jesus came to take it back out so really let's get over the inevitable flaws, forgiving ourselves and each other, so we can receive His perfection.

Our relationship with Him is based upon what we have modeled to us and if we can't get past the errors that will inevitably be there we won't be able to have a whole relationship with Him.

The funny thing too is that Valerie just is me now! Even named after a song that reminds me of me ("I miss your ginger hair and the way you like to dress" - what's that you say...? Narcissistic?). I was rebelling and not feeling ready for maturity but I was and it came and now, well, I am loving her and her electric windows and reliability and security and all that jazz. I like being warm when I drive along and having comfortable suspension! I love that God gave me a car and how, right since I got back, it has come in really handy for so many people. I still wouldn't say no a a VW one day but my identity is in Him and not in my transportation. Though I did just use my car as an analogy for my new life so in a way I suppose my identity is in my transportation... Oh it's late, I'm allowed to make no sense! Going back to the analogy briefly: dangerous wreck that nearly got me seriously injured - loving parent gave me a brand new wonderful safe and fitting vehicle that meets my needs and has far more value... Love it!

I love my car. I love my parents. I love my God. I love leaving old identities behind and coming into new ones. I smirk that my last post was about wanting to not be über-Christian but I still write about this before I share cabbage recipes... Oh well. Some things there just ain't no denying... You've such amazing grace :-)

N.B. The last line quotes an 80's power ballad called 'The Power of Love' but I figure noone will get that unnoitified.

2,000

2008-12-04T13:33:00.006Z

That's a lot of visits! Well, it's obviously interval dependent but it's still a nice sounding big number! I'd like to thank my parents, for their unceasing interest in my life; my sister for logging in a few times a day to make me look popular and generally being really encouraging; Darryl for humouring me and giving me the prod to start with; Ms Spitfire for loads (though I'm going to do that with a sulky face given she doesn't seem to be around very much right now :-S); British Nathan for being so affirming early on; Lizzie for being so affirming recently; anyone that has ever commented really; my "followers" (oh I have noticed the number grew to plural and then some!); all you people who visit a normal amount :-P; anyone that typed in a song lyric and by chance found me (it still counts as a hit!)... Ummm, and I think that might be it. If you don't fit into those formal catergories then the jury is out on whether you can have a proper class - it may compromise the hierarchy of sets but, to hell with it, have your own collection and I'll thank you too!

I am a pretty different person since I started writing. I think that I have changed a lot since my first counted visitor (I actually added the counter on the eve on my B so I know that have changed a lot) but it's not all been for good. Lots of God - Yay! A bit too much Christianity - *sharp intake of breath*. I of course mean by the world's definitions and not the biblical one. Words are what you make them people - semantics are everything. As I saw once on a random wall in Vienna just at the right moment:
"Don't try to be an apple if you're a banana, you'll only be a second rate apple."
I have almost definitely overcompensated at times - I can be a bit of an all or nothing girl. Made in the image of Christ not generic Christian. It's funny to joke about but less funny to become.

We'll talk about that another time. I've used enough words, I'm off to watch Neighbours!

Someone Else's Words

2008-12-02T12:27:00.004Z

I haven't really got much to say about politics. I try to think about them but I am still forming thoughts a lot so I feel like I don't really want to comment. Which is quite ironic given how much I love to opinionate about other things... I suppose I believe that the God stuff is at least based in some way upon something unchanging and true whereas really and truly I don't know what government is based upon. No, wait, that's not true:

The government is upon His shoulders.

Crap. I've started talking and what I want to say is not at all what I have ended up saying. The above verse gives me a lot of faith in society and how we run the world. Not necessarily in the actual but certainly in potentia. The bible not only tells us to submit to those in authority but also to pray for them and I find that exciting as I think a) How people are intrinsically made in the image of God so why can't we achieve leadership that is at least a semblance of Godly? and b) Prayer works so Duh let's do it and know that things can change where they need to ('cause I'm sure not saying that every authority in this world right now is getting things right).

One specific localised (to London) political issue that is long past (in the time frame of politics) but still very pertinent (as is true with all major news stories that come out blazing then get shoved aside in the boringness of truth) is to do with when someone I actually have a very formulated opinion on in government got shot down. Not JFK stylee, I'm talking 'bout his reputation. You may not even know him or the story but a very incredible man named Ray Lewis, who's vision for young people has actually made a difference and has the potential to do moreso (and I have worked with him so I know), was made a deputy mayor of London. It was fabulous, he has amazing things to contribute in sorting out some really bad messes, given half the chance (not just to do with the link below, that's just a part of his vision). Then it all went bad and in my humble opinion he was left to fend off, by himself, the pack of wolves that is the media while Boris Johnson - disreputed for bigger and far more recent mistakes but equipped with the right PR - didn't support someone that could have made (and I trust still will go on to make) some mighty changes in this country.

I just got sent this link: you should read it. Gives me hope.

I have hope to know that there is going to be a resurrection of this man, fallible yet Christ seeking is his heart and totally spirit filled. Hope that we as individuals and as a church can see renewal in situations that humanly speaking one may dismiss as defeat. Hope to remember to pray for our leaders and to know that we CAN see a change in our nation(s) - some would use the Obama example, I don't know enough about politics to be confidant with that (apparently I broke some law of the internet by not blogging about the election but better late than never...). Hope to make a difference on the BIG scale as well as the small; whilst also having hope in the reminder of the small and significant changes (think about where that kid has come from and where he is now going).

Looks like the crazy extra thought I had does actually fit with where I was going after all. And I have got some things to say about politics. Seriously though, read the link. I was impressed.

BGB gets an (admittedly small) "overhaul"

2008-11-30T22:52:00.007Z

I've been trying to edit features on my blog. Thus far I still can't find out how to have just the first bit of a post showing (been trying to do that for months but to no avail, if anyone can help...) BUT I did just discover a 'reaction' option which I do believe is new. Oooooh! So I have tried it out and in honour of the incredibly evangelical and by the way totally awesome sermon I just heard given by this guy that is the chaplain to the Queen and in fabulous irony is also an Indian missionary to Europe, I have labelled the options thus: "Amen" or "Woah sister...". I think they're pretty self explanatory but incase you don't know these roughly translate as "I agree with vehemency" or "Hang on a second I don't like what you're saying and in particular it may or may not be theologically unsound, sister". There is no middle ground. I figure if you don't have a strong reaction either way you probably don't want/deserve to express it. Also, by the way, if you do have a reaction remember you can always comment... I know you're reading, the numbers are creeping up. I don't always have to be the only one talking!

So now you have it, the lazy person's way to respond. If you feel there is need for another reaction option then write it in the comments and I may well oblige...

SIN

2008-11-30T16:46:00.006Z

The dirty word.

We all talk about it, we all do it (well I think so) and in a lot of the circles I move we all feel bad about it (eventually anyway)...

But what is it?

It could be easy to say that at some point in the church's history the human element took over and tried to control the world, money, politics etc by the power of guilt. In a sense this is fairly true. I've been getting involved with Agapé a bit this term. One of my flatmates before I lived in GVA worked for them and when I got back it suddenly fitted incredibly well with, well, with me. I have this darling friend who works for them called Grace and she took me out last week evangelising with her...! Yes, it is as mental as it sounds. Basically, three times a week they make a point of each going out into coffee shops and approaching people to talk to them about God. They get all kinds of reactions but one of the main aims is to ensure that they themselves stay a bit out of their comfort zone... I loved it. Well, I mean the scariness of "the approach" aside I really enjoy talking to strangers and having something to do it about is pretty fun (as long as I'm not feeling insecure 'cause obviously the coin would be somewhat flipped then). What is my point with this? Other than how good a Christian I am...? We spoke for over an hour to 4 student girls who all basically think that the church judges too harshly, that the pope is crap (I'm not going to start an interdenominational riot - Satan would bloody love that), that Christianity condemns them for things they really don't see as bad and that it just isn't right that people who don't commit horrific crimes should go to hell. The postulated idea was to have an atheists room for anyone that missed the point with God but weren't evil.

And I found myself apologising for the way they have percieved Christ. Taking some kind of responsibility for Christianity that got it wrong, were corrupt, didn't make it clear and allowed this to become a common view in culture today. Even this afternoon I was thinking about how sad it is that one of my "jobs" as a Christian is to try and undo the damage that "The Church" has done in it's past.

But you know what? I am fed up of this. I don't want to keep apologising for how "We" got it wrong. Human error aside, pure corruption acknowledged, the vast amount of Christians over history have been very sincere and were acting within their own social context. Why should I stress about people feeling condemned when they are??

Yes. This is my judgement post. You think I've been bad before, you ain't seen nothing yet. All over the world Christian's and non-alike (I am sad to confess) are being really really rubbish. Then, to top it all off, they are pretending that it is OK. THEN, just because it isn't bad enough they turn around to the laws of God and the people that try and follow them and have a go for condemnation.

WE DESERVE CONDEMNATION.

Think about it. If God is this purely loving being that wants to see the whole world alight with joy and fullfillment in him then you tell me that even just in your own personal relationships you treat the people you care about with proper love all the time and never slag them off or get annoyed or act selfishly or anything like that... you would be lying. We don't even have to call it God, we can see it as the "goodness in humanity" or some "power" or "greater force". I know TONS of people that think 'friends and family' are the thing that life is about. That is, Relationships. That is, Love. Well, for me that is what I call God. Yet anyone that sees life as having purpose greater than physical wealth still messes up in the pursuits of these "important" things.

Then of course there is the bigger picture. Beyond selfish behaviour and broken relationships we live in a consumer driven lifestyle that is destroying the planet and the most vulnerable people on it. Be it high street shops that use all-too-cheap cheap labour in India to unfairly traded chocolate that uses child slaves that have been stolen or bought on the Cote d'Ivoire. There's been a recent campaign which involves having fondue parties to raise awareness of this issues, I went to my third last night(!) and it takes this much to force me to change one thing on a list of hundreds I do that don't love this planet and these people like I theoretically want to. And I am begrudging as I have to give up Oreos. AND my first reaction was that it is a marketing ploy to sell more "Fairtrade" products. I am a BAD person.

Not one of us is guilt free.

Not one of us can justifying saying to the most perfect source of life and love on this planet (whoever He/She/They/It may be) that we deserve to go to a room for mediocre people because we didn't really see what we do wrong up close and personal and it wasn't that extreme. There is no ratio between 0-bad and a-little-bit-bad. If you had to fit into one category and the choice was perfect or imperfect which would you be?

I think it's high time we stopped telling people that the church doesn't condemn them. I personally condemn each and every member of society and think it's high time they stopped the apathy and started condemning themselves.

Maybe then people will GET why Jesus is so bloody important.

Crazy Little Thing Called Love

2008-11-30T00:29:00.014Z

I just had a lovely girly night out. Day in fact. I spent the afternoon at the Christmas market in Bath with a friend from Geneva who now lives in South UK (which is great!) and then came back for a chocolate party with "my ladies" and other friends. SO great. It was buy nothing day but I decided that legalism loses to relationship any time and so went shopping. Consumerism is my pet hate but it totally doesn't win over love :o)

Then I went out with this wonderful chick named Whitney. She is from Toronto!! I love having Canadian friends, I am so used to them now it would suck if I didn't know any. We were going out to party with her friend for his bday but we had one of those moments where, like, it was totally, just, impossibly rubbish. You know? Got in a taxi across Bris (wearing heels and also on rapist alert) and so that cost like £8 to find out that they were about to head back across town to go to a club that, I kid you not, we got into the taxi in front of.

Now, I might fool you as a clubbing girl but to be honest I am too lazy. I like to dance but I don't like to be out tired when there is a journey ahead of me and I could have been in bed already. It's quite a sad confession. I had gotten all excited but then when it came down to it I was not that cool. My feet were hurting, I didn't know anybody and we had just wasted money to be in this uncomfortable place. I nearly panicked. I lie, I had a full minute and a half where I wanted to cry over the obvious mistake. Why didn't I assert against this? Then, in my place of prayer and repentance (possible unnecessary use of word there) God made things OK. I decided we weren't going to go - I have to sing at church in the morning anyway and there was no way that the way to correct a mistake is to keep persevering at it! But we were already on Gloucester Road so we made the most of it: went for a drink together and then picked up chips (from the best chippy in Bristol) on the way home! And lo, God made something good out of it... Thank you :-)

So, what's all this about love in the title? Well, the thing is that when girls get together, I can't lie, we talk about boys. We don't ONLY talk about boys but it does have a tendency to come up. If you have one, if you want one, if you don't have one, if you don't want one...! It doesn't stop being interesting. All day it had been somehow or other on the agenda and so I come home thinking about how I feel about them. Which is mixed.

As I have shared before, I have had a bit of a tendency to be in a dependent place with men. Seeing them as an easy fix for the love that we are all programmed to desire but should be finding in God. This would be an all too simple way to describe my relationship problems. Now I don't think I am worse that other people but today I want to address the common theme of conversation and share some thoughts (albeit it in a convoluted manner), which are quite the opposite of previous assertions. I don't just struggle with too much want of relationships... oh no, in keeping with the popular theme of "complicated" too often it is all about the not wanting them enough...

We are talking about fear of commitment. Or maybe not commitment but affection. Or a mixture of all kinds of scary tings. I wrote a poem t'other day that says it a lot better so I will now copy that in:

So many people are afraid of love
Afraid to feel love
Afraid to be loved
Afraid to not feel love
Afraid to not be loved
Why are we afraid?
Fear: There to protect us
A response to something more powerful than us
We fear God because he is Awesome
God is love
Is that why we fear love?

The theory: That when we fear God we need not fear anything else
Though there are many things more powerful than me there are none more powerful than He
But that does not make me think that when I fear it is always right and good
I often fear when I should not
‘Tis not my vulnerability but independency that stops me being worry free

Love
So beautiful yet so fierce
There is every chance it will destroy one heart… two… more?
We have a reaction that tells us fight or flight in the face of danger
So tell me, is that why we run and just ignore?
A threat
Keep it far away and not live to regret
A broken heart just cannot be worth the risk of it

Love
Descended from God
Corrupted for sure but in essence Oh so pure
This fear must be a lie
Born out of brokenness and all set up to make us miss what God has in store
A damaged heart is always going to be a risk when we are gambling with love less perfect than His
But remember who is in charge
The only one to fear, the reason you are here, the restorer of the broken heart
Mine will not be destroyed ‘cause God is on guard

My point? I am pretentious. More seriously, that both these extremes are negative. I have been all too down on relationships in the past I confess (eg) but at the same time I realise that they are a great example of God's love for us (read these lyrics and tell me they aren't divinely inspired) when used correctly. There is no way that God wants us to avoid dependency in relationships, romantic or otherwise, this is just another lot of deception to discover.

What is the application to life? I don't know! My hair's not long enough anyway... It's just gossip over red wine and chocolate fondue. I need to go to bed now... x

A Discovery of Deception

2008-11-27T23:57:00.008Z

I was just now thinking about what it is that's so hard about struggles. Life struggles, faith struggles, dealing with personal issues or just being motivated to live in all fullness. Just anything hard really.

And I discovered a LIE! You know one of those things that you just think without realising that it is a load of bollocks.

When I get demotivated, which is quite a lot actually, it feels like I am wasting life. I know I am doing wrong when I seek comfort in bad places (I've tried quite a few in my time and though my vices are less these days there are still plenty of things that get me, some more that others. Like blocking out reality by going on line, or comfort eating...) and generally don't live up to God's perfect ideal. Which really sucks.

Then of course enters the knowledge that I really need to sort out my self discipline. It is biblical and good (especially for managing time which is of utmost importance to me and also something that Mrs P31, my inspiration, did). It gives one self control instead of letting worldly things take over. Fasting is SUCH a good example, it can bring me out of a fleshly plane and helps me focus on the spiritual realm a bit more.

But something was going majorly wrong.

I've been a bit run down spiritually, going up'n'down in a mostly usual way but it has been growing slowly more negative as the low moments are becoming longer. I often put this kind of thing down to when God is doing cool stuff in and/or through me and the debil does not like it. Makes sense of late, life is pretty intense and exciting on many fronts...

So I have been really fixated on the goal of self-control as being my key to unlocking this depression. Like, getting out of bed on time, eating sensibly, setting goals for work and other such targets. All the stuff that I know works, is biblically sound and therapistically too come to think of it. Forming a habit and then inhabiting the form (Don'tcha love that?).

But I missed the point entire and I think that perhaps this kinda stems from the fact that I looked at the psychology and having noted that it's *like* the bible followed it instead; forgetting that the bible is the first truth and how things that looks like it are a semblance or a shadow of the truth. Likely to break down in their validity at some point, as they forget about my omnipotent God.

'Cause the thing that makes no sense is that when the moment is at it's most crucial - where every decision is hardest and the easiest things to do become huge goals; going to a lecture is a day's worth of achievement and getting a coursework actually completed and handed in on time feels like it should last a week; having a single positive thought feels like you have won some prize but the balance can tip in an instant - that is when I am supposed to exert self-control. It's already impressive to be disciplined when life is hunky dorey and I make the choice to get up before 9, wash, read, go to uni, pray, be slightly organised and tidy and make the most of most of my time. To then put my emotions at the other end of the scale where getting up at all becomes an achievement and turning up late to a seminar feels like I deserve a first class degree and THEN say I need to train myself into positive habits... Now THAT really is akin to getting a camel - a very miserable and stubborn camel - out of a big pit of mirey clay and telling it to understand Second Order Logic.

Duh. This isn't Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I am not supposed to be "training" myself to do anything.

I've just seen that what I've been trying to do is akin to using Will Power and thus living in my own strength. By sneakily disguising it under the name self-control which we all know is a good thing Satan can bring in an incredible amount of pain to a struggle that is supposed to be easy to bear. That verse in 2 Peter, "make every effort..." doesn't mean you "try on your own". We cannot do these things by own own strength. This self-control that helps us live a Godly life, it is one of the fruits of the Spirit and it is funny how utterly subtly I just forgot that these are given to us and not something we work for. We must desire it but we do not have to DO a single thing to receive it.

Those who hope in the Lord WILL renew their strength and rise up on wings like eagles.
I hope so I will. I don't will to have hope.

Yo, Lizzie!

2008-11-27T01:08:00.004Z

This is a note for my very dear friend Lizzie who is diligently reading my whole life (abridged) AKA BGB and is somewhere in July as we speak. I don't know when you'll get here but when you do: HI! Thanks for getting this far and thanks for caring...

It's funny. She came over today and was all "I know so much about you now!" I hadn't realised but I suppose that's true - there's a lot that's built up over the past 7 months (by the way this is babygotbrit's 7 month birthday today... it's older than me!) and actually some people may well know me a lot better than I know them as a result, which I never really thought about.

Bit strange that. Lizzie came round today and told me some of her stuff. I kinda enjoyed that two way interaction... it's not like I bite!

That said, no I'm not going to stop writing. But I do realise that, much as I joke, my blog is not a sufficient relationship in my life. Good thing God is teaching me all about community... more ont that when I get the time...

I'm sorry. Help.

2008-11-27T00:36:00.003Z

The most powerful prayer I know.

WWF

2008-11-26T09:45:00.004Z

I love pandas. I love laughing. I saw this on the wall of a student house last week and had to find it. Enjoy:

This is going to be a Christmas to remember

2008-11-25T15:54:00.001Z

I am so excited about Christmas. Starbucks menu started weeks ago and the first taste I had of Christmas cake was magical. Now I feel like I am ready to start my own personal official Christmas season…

For this is my first real Christmas. The first one when I can know the joy of my dear Saviour’s birth – ‘cause now He is that. Where a nativity scene makes me go actually wow and I don’t think about consumerism or any of that crap but truly have a different priority (despite the Starbuck’s reference!). I’m going to have a Christmas that is all about what it’s supposed to be…

Except, really there isn’t a biblical model for Christmas is there? No-one from the New Testament went around on the 31st December (or any other date) saying let’s keep Christmas about the important things. There is no guidance on how to be a Christian at Christmas and, especially given the fact that it was first based upon a pagan holiday, one might suggest the best way to be is to take down the tree and carry on as normal. Or at least break with the world traditions and any habits that aren’t strictly “kosher”.

But I like the tree. And I love buying presents for people (get me I’m already four up and have a whole month to go! That is organisation…). Jingle Bells do make me rock and I have been listening to Christmas music for a while now with no shame whatsoever. Sparkly lights and port by the fire, could you want for more? Can’t wait for the open air ice rink so I can get out my skates from Geneva and I LOVE a good Christmas classic on the telly. The way I see it there is no set formula for Christmas cheer and I am not giving up my crackers and baubles on a whim.

I am going to be intentional though. Starting today it is Christmas season and I want to spread joy and good cheer too all mankind. Wishing peace, showing love, delighting in the good things of life. Really this is just all things that being a Christian is kinda about and I don’t want to limit it to seasonality so I’m going to kick start it now but the plan is that the attitude of Christmas remains around a long time after the tree comes down.

Talking of which, it goes up today (and is Hot Pink!). ‘Tis the first year in my own home and I am excited to be starting my own traditions… which include decorations going up a month before to enjoy the season all the longer and also because it will be my half birthday every year. That’s right, 6 months since the B and going strong!

There are some really wonderful ideals for Christmas that do go beyond the cheesy superficial overcommercialised notions. But honestly, they aren’t just great ideas every now and then are they? In the same way dog is for life not just for Christmas I don’t really get why we would limit hope, peace, good will, love, generosity, joy, celebration and (maybe) talking about Jesus to once a year. The one thing I would say is perhaps we need to add in to the mix self-control…

Bring on Christmas with all your manmade glitz and idealism. Man gets a lot of things right too and it can be all too easy to focus on the bad things. Made in the image of our creator I reckon this is the season to share these good things and I don’t want to slag off something which values loads of good things too. It is a shame “They” have taken the Christ out of Christmas and that people call in the “winter holidays” instead but that does not mean we can’t enjoy being people together and sharing the love of our kindredness.

Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometime

2008-11-23T01:35:00.014Z

It's definitely wrong to make three posts in one night... but I've not been blogging in ages... I don't reckon I will for a while... and I think I may have just had one of those really tangibly "deep" moments. This post is going to be working things out as I go and who knows if it will make it to the publishing stage. Whatever happens, it will probably be real... and narcissistic.

I just watched "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". That is a cue for anyone that doesn't find this film meaningful to stop reading now. I had never seen it, I knew it was a classic, the story sounded interesting indeed but I think that I avoided it because I could not deal with the concept of forgetting. I am, as I may have mentioned, a hoarder. Of all things, tangible and existential. I've been facing up to this challenge of late and the timing was perfect.

'Cause recently I have been doing some active forgetting. Recently as in this past year since God starting changing my life, these past 3 months since I got back to England, these past few weeks as I've been facing some residual memories, these last few days as I've had to challenge all of the above. The imagery is a big boulder that He smashed to pieces with His love and the revelation thereof but now He is going around picking out the bits of gravel - and some of them are pretty wedged in.

I threw out a bag of "stuff" last week which was neat. Took it with me from London to Bristol to deal with but couldn't face getting it out the car till then. Nothing specifically dodge but I needed to let it go for memories sake. I'm pretty sure that when I go back at Christmas there will be a whole lot more of that to do and so I'm getting ready...

Last night (late Friday) I had a conversation I shouldn't have about a person I don't know anymore. You know, when you can tell you are in an unhealthy discussion and that there is a lot of potential for badness but you are tired, hurting and frankly too stupid to know better. I was challenged on my memories and came away not sure what I recall as fact and fiction - problem with saying things best unsaid is that you end up hearing things best unheard. Let's call a spade a spade, I'd "erased" someone from my life and sometimes they do just creep back in.

The risk of being someone with a past (i.e. anyone) that can't be wiped clear whether you want to, don't want to or sometimes want to, is that it stays around. Even when we are sanctified by the blood of Jesus; even when we have forgiven, are guilt free and looking ahead; our brains have an uncanny way of wanting to defy all the best intentions in the world. I know that it is a decision I must make to move forward. It's a decision I have already made without any doubt in my mind, yet it is a decision I must continue to keep making. Still, having a piece of history based around love - which is what we seem to base our most significant things around - is messy 'cause it mixes up good stuff with not good stuff and leaves the two so tangled you can end up throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

We shouldn't say goodbye to love but we must learn to extract it back for ourselves and put it to better use somewhere else. I don't want to leave my heart in a memory then try and erase the memory but equally I don't want to carry the crap around with me.

The thing that really struck me was that the minute before I watched the film I read a poem (have been trawling the labyrinth of my files, hence the sudden splurge of them) and I had opened one I did not recognise then forgotten so that it popped up when I was closing programs. It's from last October and isn't very positive: all about stuff going wrong really...

What comes before a fall?
“They” say pride.
The inevitable fall out of a conceited heart
Just desserts on every part

What comes before a fall?
I say hope.
The inevitable fall out of an expectant heart
Just surviving alone in the dark

What is it that makes a fail?
Pushing resources beyond the mark
With pacing yourself and working hard
Success will entail, set you apart

What is it that makes me fail?
Trying for something I cannot live out?
Or speaking the words that make it go south?
Having an attitude full of doubt

How to avoid the spiraling doom?
Cannot expect for risk of defeat
Instead, telling forth, I sow what I reap.
When what we believe is the key to our curse
With each emphasis it gets worse and worse

Can the pattern be broken?
One thing’s for sure
Writing this verse isn’t the cure

I just love that it is about self-curses which is effectively what we put in place when we hold onto our broken memories and give them power in our lives. I suppose the point is a reminder that we need to break the patterns. Not be moping over the defeat or the fall or anything else that is going to drag us down but by letting the memory be where it is, in the past. God doesn't want to give us a hope and a past now does He? Jesus came to make all things new.

So don't tell me that that film is all about the need to remember things you sometimes want to forget. It is about dealing with memories properly. Not running away but also not deciding that they are all there is to the truth. We are/should be changing all the time into what we don't fully know but memories can only tell us about the past, not the future.

"What a loss to spend that much time with someone, only to find out she’s a stranger." The fear of letting go is that we have wasted time but ironically the more we hold onto it the more we waste. There's gonna be no junk in heaven anyway so why have it here on earth? It's funny, you get warned about storing up your treasures on earth but sometimes we are storing up far worse things.

Change your heart, look around you. Change your heart, it will astound you. Parting theme tune, parting theme. Goodnight.

Unnamed Poem

2008-11-22T23:30:00.006Z

I found this poem I wrote a coupla weeks ago. Kinda at this point when I was a) sitting in Starbucks struggling to get any work done, and b) questioning how sincere I felt about the call to "reach" people as something other than academically discernible. Which is something I touched upon in my last post I think. So I kinda started thinking about what it's like to not have Jesus and I'm not being condescending here, I can remember. I don't suppose it feels the same for everyone but I guess what I'm saying is that this is a valid account for at least one person. Thus follows the as-yet-unnamed poem (Aside: after I wrote it I managed to get quite a lot of work done which was cool):

You’re living a life from hell
Ideals designed to keep you down
In the dark, cold, lonely place
Terrified look on your face
Never enough
These thoughts from the depths
Keep you there daily
A struggle to find truth
Joy quashed by bitter faded dreams
Life is not what you thought it should be
You have made your bed, clearly see the road ahead
Garish lamps light the way
Down
Deceive yourself what you know well
Can’t conceive of going to hell
But yet, there you are now

What is it like to live in fear?
Hating everything, even those near
Even you
Pushing through
The gloom
When lighter shadows are the best you can get
In between the dark regret
A moment that seems what life is about
Till once again the lights go out

I am there
Watching
It hurts so bad to see you sad
I cannot bear to know that you do not know I care
What to do?
How can I get through the cloud you choose?
Though you do not realise the alternative
There is more than this
This is not it.
The pain
To know I love in vain
That in a moment all hope will be lost
The choice will be taken, eternity to pay the cost
I cannot cope with the idea
I must do something
Loud
Drastic
That lasts across the years

Are you listening?
I LOVE YOU
I’ll come right now and tell you
Why do you not want to hear such truth?
The best news yet fear conquers all
I’ll shout louder
You’ll fight harder
Do you not know this hurts me so?
I am your biggest fan
Yet you always look to man

I’ll show you
A picture speaks a thousand words
The ultimate visual aid
Our pain, demonstrated, in My Father’s name
Watch me reel
Writhing
The worst you know before your eyes
Plus what you cannot see inside
This is how it felt to see you suffer my child.
The lights go out
As the world acknowledges what has gone down in this place
The King of all in such disgrace
All so you can my know His grace

The son rises
And the sun rises
Chasing the shadows away
Having born all the grief from all your deeds
You are free to greet the day!
I suffered because I love you
See that it is true
And EVERYTHING you know will be made new…

I start off rambling, I sort of have a point by the end... I dare you to read it:

2008-11-22T20:25:00.007Z

You know that exciting feeling you get when your phone receives a text? The anticipation, the knowledge that someone loves you, the idea that the course of your life could actually change in that moment (Note: if this is because it could be a proposal then you should probably get another boyfriend) or at least the course of your evening. Then of course, there is the amplification factor when you are really anticipating a text or just willing something to come in and break the expected routine for the rest of the day... well, I just got a text that was the King of Anticlimax!

From no-one rubbish, not saying anything bad (making a vague invitation for some point in the future to something I don't particularly want to do). Just a nothing text. Thing is it came right at the wrong moment. When all you want is a last minute invite for a Saturday night or a little bit of a friendly wassup (I don't mean one of those conversations that go nowhere... they do very little for me) or an answer to a question you asked. Ironic since I just came home from a party I could have stayed at but am socially drained from previously/afore mentioned ball and party and need to be on my own. My point? Have I got one? I suppose something along the lines of when things just aren't as classically comforting as you would wish for. But that it's OK. God knows what I really need and I know that He can and will give it to me. Which is nice. Makes a change from the no faith I had in that a year ago.

How was the ball? Well, I suppose I kinda felt like, just as God took me shopping for a dress and made me feel like I could justify pampering myself for the evening, that He was then my date too. Which is a good thing 'cause it wasn't really the pick up a guy sort of place! :-P I hadn't been out dancing for a while (except about half an hour at the Halloween gig but not that many of my friends were shaking their thang and it was, afterall, in Pickwicks) and it was good to move. I went with a new friend Rachel that I have only met properly recently, having chatted with a bit over t'internet these past 6 months or so; that was really cool and I dragged her into the dance-off competition... and we made it to the finals! So exhilarating. Which was, I suppose, what I needed then. (I swear we only lost 'cause the winners were a mixed couple and it was a church!)

Today my friend Ben told me my hair was looking longer. I was waiting for someone to mention it - that's kinda how you assess growth isn't it, 'cause you see it in yourself so slowly it's hard to be sure. Like with personal growth. Which I've done a bit more of recently I think. Scary to notice how fast things are happening actually, given that the longer my hair gets the more progress I will make, the readier I become (readier for what I don't know but it's good to be ready!), the newer the challenges, the bigger the responsibilities (this is taking the basic though controversial assumption that my hair and spiritual development are directly proportional). Sometimes you just want to regress to early years and cling onto what you are comfortable with. But to quote an old cheesy DCTalk lyric:
"Separated, I cut myself clean, from a past that comes back in my darkest of dreams. Been apprehended by a spiritual force and a grace that replaced all the me I divorced".
If I regress now, in fear of what this growth will bring, then the faith I was talking about; the fact that I can now shake it on a dance floor under the judgement of a room full of unknown Christians (which honestly is probably the most intense kind of judgement!); and generally being able to say I'm going home now, I've had enough (Aside: Ben also said to me today that I was a lot calmer than when he knew me before, which was particularly funny given the shock on the faces of the people who had only just met me!) will be but vague shadowy forms of what could have come.

Paul said this. Jesus said this. I've met people that seem to assume the latter means staying naïve in your faith but I really don't think that is the point. We need to stay fresh in our faith and our purity from worldly influences but as far as not growing or learning or thinking differently - that is the whole deal. I've done a fair amount of thinking about what I really see as the point of life - I don't know if I mentioned it before but I kinda suddenly found that I'd got this "I have all the answers" attitude and realised it was only true by default and not by heart. As I write I realise that this is basically the crux of what God has been doing in me: working on my own understanding so that it isn't just a matter of signing up blind to find out one day what's going on. He's showing me, as I start to think more like an adult (sometimes!), more fully what is going on and how His Kingdom works. This is what Paul said straight away next and it doesn't mean we shouldn't know anything; we will know in part and we need to strive towards that in our maturity - not taking the innocence as an excuse for ignorance.

Some nice bloke prophecied over me t'other day (happens a lot here, like it! When done sensibly with a good bit of critical spirit of course) and the thing I'm excited by as I write is that the verse he gave was the next one in this passage (I don't plan ahead in these entries, they kinda just happen. I don't know the bible well enough - thank Heaven for Biblegateway search!). Faith, hope and love - the greatest being Love. Which is basically what I have been learning about don'tcha know. The next blog I write will be called "The Meaning of Life"... I just gave the synopisis but hey, I can stretch it out.

God knows I need to know a bit, not everything but a rough guide, a poor reflection, an essence of what the hell is going on anyway. So I am rather glad that He has shown me some stuff and given me a good bit of general direction etc.

On the topic of Christian maturity, it was Beautiful Brian's sweet 16th yesterday, so Happy Rebirthday Brian! If you still ever read BGB... It's my 6 months on Tues too - getting old. Lord knows who I'll be at Christmas. More like Jesus I hope! Not in a "superspiritual" way of course... In a "super spiritual" way! (Can you pick up that intonation?!).

I just got the King of Anticlimax phone call - a wrong number on my landline! Lol, I'm off to spend a quite night in with God, a DVD and maybe some late tea (the eating kind) and tea (the hot decaff kind)... Night! x

Shopping... (and extrapolated notions)

2008-11-19T00:59:00.010Z

It's not always evil.

How do I know?

'Cause God took me shopping today.

Yeah right, I hear you say. Prove it. Fine I will. He bought me a poncho and a new dress!

Lots of people have the attitude of "in the world but not of the world". I can't remember where to find that but it makes sense. Gives me peace when I buy my milk from a supermarket. I don't think I've got to that bit yet (I am a notoriously slow reader and whilst I have read largish portions of the Good Book I am still very much ploughing through chronologically), I am only up to Romans 14. Which is what I glimpsed this morning before deciding that I had read enough for that day. Just enough it turns out, God even spoke to me through the casual eye I glanced over what is coming next...

Which is. Vegetables. OK, so. My point?

I have gotten on a bit of a bandwagon recently (which mostly just involves using that phrase) that has been all about women's identity and image and being trapped into living by a standard not of God. This is a great verse that has supported me in that. However, it is true to say that a lot of The Bible, Song of Solomon for example, says things like this. Beauty is not evil, indeed it is God made and totally awesome. How does a girl that is fighting against worldly judgments deal with this?

In her own way it seems. For me, recently it has been a bit like eating only vegetables. I love clothes, I love looking nice, I like coordinating my outfits right down to the makeup I wear. It brings me actual pleasure. It was also a little bit controlling and time consuming. So making the call to give all that up - no more make up, no more fussing, no more worrying about what to wear seemed in order. Basically I did let that sort of stuff take control. I would not feel happy unless an outfit was perfect - it didn't have to be "fashionable" mind. Just totally cohesive. I had to stop (or try) when I realised I still got security from it.

But in the same way that we are free to eat meat and drink wine and enjoy things in this world I am also free to look nice and have fabulous outfits. I just couldn't reconcile it with my vehemency on it not being important. I am going to a Masquerade ball at a friend's church in Bath (does anyone else think that church ball implies singles party?!) and this morning was totally wary. I had to BUY a dress. From a SHOP. And wear make up and make an effort to look lovely. How worldly and wrong is THAT!

Then God took me shopping and told me it was OK (I think the fact it was a charity shop makes it particularly OK!) by finding me the PERFECT outfit with a GORGEOUS matching feather mask without any fuss at all, as I casually wondered down Cotham Hill.

So I will look nice on Friday 'cause I am allowed and 'cause God is the one telling me I am lovely so it is OK to enjoy that. But lo and behold if I make it my top priority or my motivation when it is all about deepening this friendship and having fellowship (and no, NOT about meeting nice Christian boys actually!) and just living life in all it's fullness.

But what about the rest of the time. Well, I suppose doing it when I feel like I am free to and not when I feel it is making me. By the same premise I could drink a bottle of wine and have a cigarette if i was strong enough. Which I'm not. Everyone has their standards and weaknesses. Resisting the flesh is also REALLY good to do like in fasting to get closer to God but I have said quite enough for today and need to exercise some self-control with reference to bedtimes.

Hooray I am going to a party! And I am free to enjoy it!!

P.S. C: do you have any turquoise/gold shoes I could borrow?

Consumerism, part I

2008-11-17T23:18:00.005Z

Watch this when you have a spare 20 minutes. I tell you now it's worth it to get the thoughts thinking. Done? Now, what you think...?

For those of you that are "going to do it later" it is a short film about "The Story of Stuff". It's quite "American" (not that there's anything wrong with that it's just sometimes as Brit I forget they are for real but that is so my bad) in it's statistics and approach and has a lot of loaded comments to make but if you can watch it and be a bit open minded then I think it has some important messages.

Maybe you don't believe... maybe you take it with enough of a pinch of salt and a "how can I know it's true" attitude to disregard it... maybe you just don't know what to do with the information and feel a little bit like you can't make a difference anyway... maybe you have already challenged yourself in this and have a cohesive response... maybe you are running outside screaming and shouting at the world to stop in their tracks and CHANGE! Do tell.

I will let you how I feel some time but it's this or nothing as a post tonight and I want to get the ball rolling...

A collection of Arbitrary Thoughts

2008-11-12T13:38:00.007Z

"The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one." - George Bernard Shaw
- doesn't mean beer doesn't exist though, does it?

I'm shamelessly stealing the post one friend made to another on facebook today. What can I say, sometimes an original thought is just not as good as a copied one. Anyway, who says there is such a thing as original thought? And if you don't believe me look at the cyclicity of catwalks. I just wonder what it will be like when we get to heaven - is that why we are going to wear robes of righteousness? They want everyone in the same thing so that the fashion industry doesn't go insane over the course of eternity.

Time is of the essence these days as I challenge myself on waste. Whilst it's true that one has to be careful not to fill up one's time excessively and end up missing out on what is really important, as I look at all the crazycool things I want to do (least of all finish my degree) I find myself aware that there is a lot of time in my life that is not spent wisely and which if so could be put to such uses. So that has been something I am working on. I mean, I can't really say I don't have time to feed homeless people 'cause of my studies when what I really mean is I don't have time to feed homeless people 'cause it takes me an hour to get dressed every day, I can't go into a supermarket without wandering round aimlessly for at least half an hour and possibly not buying anything, I have a midday change 'cause I get bored of what I am wearing, I don't know what to have for dinner, I write down everything that goes through my head (that one is getting better mind), I spend ages on facebook and other internet based blackholes and generally waste such a lot of time on indecisive behaviour that I can barely fit my studies in around it. I reckon I can save 2 hours a day easily, which translates into lots of productivity in potentia.

We so often talk about being stewards of the money that God gives us but I think time is our most precious resource. We can't earn it or borrow it or be gifted it (excepting of course when God wants to make something really cool happen) or store it up. Everyone has a equal amount and it is something we can all offer back to God the same. So I am trying to do that with mine a bit.

I have had an AMAZING second half to my day; full of direction, vision, revelation, healing and generally great stuff. I don't want to spend time expanding on that now when I have bed to be sleeping in, reading to get done and generally time to be stewarding so I'll leave you with a couple more collected thoughts and fill you in when I next schedule some BGB QT.

I'm fed up of wishing people good luck. It is what we say naturally 'cause of one of those foolish human semantical bollocks things. I don't believe in it and hate that sometimes it just seems like the obvious thing to say. E.g. I can't come out I have an exam tomorrow. Oh, good luck with that! "Blessings" sounds really serious and a bit patronising, particularly with non-Christians. So I have decided on God luck. Like when something is a God idea but with luck. Looks like it could be a spelling mistake and makes me feel less like a hyprocrite. OK, so a *little* bit cheesy perhaps but this is me after all... Watch out for it people, I'll be exercising that one!

Been talking a fair amount about teleportation. The little know miracle of the New Testament and very very cool. That is my most sought after spiritual gift (after optional invisibility that is)...

Anyway. I just spent too much time looking up the miraculous movement incident in the Old Testament that involved being carried by an eagle from the hair and I think that, for the sake of my not wasting time policy, I will leave this unfinished and a bit confusing and hope you love me anyway. I don't think, having looked, that it really happened - I only heard about it third party afterall... Shame, I was going to steal another joke about Old Covenant and New Covenant teleportation.

Jumping on other people's comedy bandwagon as it were. That's one of those "is it an inny or an outy?" phrases in't it. From the bible or not that is. "Word or turd?" when talking to post-16's. It's not exactly a concept foreign to us Christians. My whole life is built upon jumping on the bandwagon of a 2000 year old lowly bastard Jewish carpenter that had a penchant for rebellion. How he made his ideas stick around so long and spread so very very far and wide across time and culture I'll never know. It's almost as if something out of the ordinary was going on...

Don't Let The Man Get You Down

2008-11-07T16:48:00.002Z

Now, I know that the issue I am about to address isn't specifically about men being in the wrong. Nor is it always about women being attacked (though I think most would agree they they bear the brunt of it). But "The Man" doesn't necessarily mean people with willies, just a mechanism that is controlling The World, so the title stays.

I have talked about this several times before. Like here and there. But this is going to be a bit of a remix so don't run off, please!

I am becoming ever increasingly passionate about issues pertaining to women stuck in the world, being forced into an unobtainable mold with superficial expectations. There is SO MUCH more to humanity than that and it is SO not what God says it is about. Sure attraction comes into relationships and God created beauty and loves it, I know that, but having seen what the world is saying and how it is controlling, nay destroying lives, I think it is time we stopped. "We" as a race would be incredible. "We" as a faith group - can we settle for less?

Eating disorders are KILLING people in the minority, taking over and disrupting lives in a much larger proportion not to mention other kinds of disorders (tanorexia for example, addiction to plastic surgery...) and consumerism gets US ALL. (Watch this - it's a cool film and yet of course it is still both advertising and about beauty products!)

Every time we acknowledge a "flaw" and stress over it we are guilty of:
a) the dismissal of the person God made us to be, and
b) being distracted from what is actually important.

There are many things tied in here, enough to write a book about (watch this space...!) and definitely you can say to me that it is a fine line to balance keeping healthy with not caring at all; that self control comes into it; that God wants us to be the best we can be. I know and I may or may not address these things and others at some later time [for sure you can still please tell me what you think about them, I'm very much working this out as I go]. However, today I just want to say that it is time those of us in the church (as C.S. Lewis describes it: a terrible army across time and space) at the very least get out of that mind set.

We are allowing consumerism to take over and I have met very few people, and certainly am not one myself, that are totally above the worldly attitudes of attraction. There is also another debate in here as to how much preferences (still ideally kept internalised in my view) are acceptable given that, while we all seem to "fancy" different things, if our ideas come directly from our exposure to the world's view of what is and isn't "beautiful" maybe we just need put some of those aside. I don't know, sometimes I really don't know.

What I do know is that it is hard to be a "normal" person who is aware of all the judgment that flies around, that if it wasn't for Jesus' love for me I wouldn't be able to ignore it so well and that even so it can still be a struggle some days.

We need to rise above it. Christians and non- alike. We need to stop whoever baddie we believe in, be it "The Man" or "The Devil", from winning this battle and inserting insecurity and judgment into our hearts. We need to break out of the trap that tells us to dedicate time and money to insignificant nay unhelpful things. We need to stop harbouring ideas that alienate people and make them not love themselves as they should. As God does. I need to change my set of standards entirely and rethink what it is that God would say when he saw me walk into a room. What image He wants me reflect back in a mirror, not what other people want and not what I want.

It is a challenge. I don't know how to start really... Any thoughts? Do I set a budget on my moisturiser or just stop using it altogether?! First off I need to stop accepting the things I see, the things I hear, the things I think, the things I say... as, well, acceptable. The one thing I do know is that being in the place of constantly trying to live up to these expectations sucks really really hard and I am SO glad to not be there anymore.

One or two people said they liked it when I wrote poems so here's one I made earlier. You can stop reading now if you don't like it so much, I won't mind. I won't know! It's an early draft and I'm not sure about how the punctuation captures the lilt so you may have to use a bit of imagination...

Look at me
Look at me straight
In my eyes my ass, don’t hesitate to tell me what you think

My face my teeth my clothes, what lies beneath
It’s all fair game.
I’ll be ashamed or feel a queen
Or somewhere in between,
Depending on your dreams

View my soul
Then judge the whole package as it were
Do I ring your bell
or deviate from the curve?
Normal, a cycle on the machine?
Or a sign that all is well with me.
What parameters are these?
Indeed! What the hell

Look at me straight
Tell me I’m ok
With a word a look a smile a touch
I need to know that I’m enough
Don’t hesitate
All of me, right here, right now
On a plate

For the joys and for the sorrows
In sickness and health
Till death do us part, or the fire wanes in your heart
Is it death already?
Or was that here from the start.

More’s the pity
If only I’d been pretty.

Get Over It

2008-11-07T09:43:00.007Z

My boiler is playing up. Which is basically resulting in no heating and lukewarm showers. And winter is coming. And it is colder here than in Geneva so I can attribute a slight shock of return as well.

So I have been struggling gallantly through. I still shower as often as ever, I just shiver a lot more and complain and tell myself it is all for a good lesson and some people have it a lot harder this time of year. Then I sit around grumpy 'cause I haven't warmed up yet and spend lots of time on facebook. I discovered I have two extra hours before my seminar, so why not waste them too?

I didn't even think about praying for hot water. That would be too easy. Yet I also didn't take seriously my thought that it was cold so I can learn empathy (*incidentally* something I have prayed for recently 'cause I am quite good at "being autistic" and not noticing other people - I realised this lately when a friend was sharing a prayer request and I was like "Kat(i)e duh they've said this before but you really didn't process did you?" then cut across the next person to add my own request in!).

So the plan is to actually pray for my boiler. Then, if it stays cold to stop my grumpy act. I really haven't got a leg to stand on when it comes to being unfortunate and I have more than enough jumpers to get me through. We in The West (not the South West mind but the Western world) wash too much anyway - it's consumerism and all their ploys for shiny hair, supple skin, nice nails and a perfect complexion.

Kneel to Jesus. Two fingers to The Man.

(I didn't publish that post yet did I? I have more to say about 'The Man', watch this space...)

It's Official

2008-11-05T14:46:00.007Z

I am officially back. I just changed my facebook regional network from Switzerland to Bristol. [Edit: I wrote Geneva instead of Bristol but that would make no sense.]

Interesting observation: I had 50 friends in the Swiss network and 51 in the Bristol one. You know what I'm like with things like that - it just says to me that I have tipped the balance between here and there. Which is kinda what it was like returning...

I had an amazing time in Geneva. I saw friends that I love dearly; got the chance to do things I never thought I would (more to follow on everything that the gig taught me and what it was like, including mental photos!); learnt TONS (was talking to a BRS friend the night I got back and she said that she had felt it was going to be a time of... and we both said together: "accelerated learning" which was so true); got real direction from God as to what He is planning next and a bit about later too...; had a chance to chill; to say goodbye to some people; to get re-encouraged about what was important when I left - like prayer and worship, both of which are really starting up here too, seemingly; to catch the lovely GVA peeps up on what has been going on - which felt like a lot. Indeed, when I saw how much Mia (YAGs 20ish month year old darling) had grown and was talking, making sense and singing worship songs and all it was like she had done the same amount of intense growing as I had these two months! Not that I'm claiming to make sense you understand, I just like obscure imagery. Not the best structured paragraph I ever wrote but I suppose what I am saying is that it was a good time, in a jumbled thought processes kind of a way. I celebrated my 5 month rebirth day whilst there and it was nice to do that there at the retreat where so much had happened the year before (I don't think I ever wrote that story did I! That really has to happen...).

And I felt different. At times like I had already moved on even. Which is right and good and I am grateful that, even so, I still have these blessed friendships. I feel like I am in a place of enjoying it for what it was and letting it be something different as time goes by. Not my last visit for sure but it was the final chapter of something. And the beginning of something new!! :-D

The more I change the more I see there is to change but that is cool 'cause I have a really short attention span!

Coming back my flat was finally a home. It had curtains! Another symbol that I am really settled here now. I have decided on where I will make my home church (it turns out not my sister's chuch but the other one - which is a shame but kinda cool as my church's sister church is my sister's church which makes a lot of sense to me); found a few great things screaming out to get involved in (like co-rewriting the training for the discipleship/evangelistic programme and doing a wholeness course which ties in perfectly with what I've been learning... I will let you know how that goes); reconnected with my lovely new friends (who I'm going away with this weekend!); and changed my network.

Which tips the balance to 51. Also the percentage that gives someone a majority share and priority. My return to La Suisse is over, I am back for the long haul and while the trip was great and I love you guys tons and always will, I am fully at home here.

Until God says otherwise anyway :-)

You Told Me So (but you didn't say it)

2008-11-05T00:33:00.008Z

One or two people liked it when I posted a poem before and I've had this really sweet friend of mine (the one that was a direct answer to prayer!) over tonight who was being über self-esteem building about my writing so I am encouraged to put up another one. Feel more than free to criticise but if it's not constructive know that I will just have to ignore you...!

I wrote this one in April I think. It's all about how we can or can't (or rather won't) listen to God and what happens if we don't and, well, it's pretty self-explanatory really.

You never say I told you so
How sweeter could love be
‘Cause often I will just ignore
The truths you say to me

I realise to great extent
The plan you have conceived
But yet when it comes down to it
I’d rather be deceived

Enthralled by all the world’s account
Of what I can achieve
Refusing to take into stock
What I claim to believe

Man’s promises both great and small
In love or while conceited
Through hearts admire or flesh desire
It leaves me feeling cheated

For what can this world offer me
When I call out for more
My thirst is never quenched until
Out of your well I draw

Lord let me not wander too far
Nor wonder on the present tense
Your gift to me is clarity
On all the things that matter hence

Take from my back the false desire
To find what I am seeking
Instead within my heart please show
The promises you’re speaking

The Kingdom of your love united
Pain stands not a chance
But I can only partake now
Without a backward glance

But how well I admit to you
That this is just a song
Not quite an idle promise
But too difficult to prolong

So help me God I need you so
Without your hand I cannot go

The path is only clear to tread
When your light guides my way ahead

Only in you can I be strong
You give the faith that I lean on

Thank You Parents

2008-11-02T00:38:00.001Z

My parents are THE BEST EVER. Like, I know we all say it (or sometimes really don't!) but today I think they may have surpassed the limit of giving good gifts to their children into downright inconceivable.

Whilst I have been away they have supervised the repair of all my windows, built me a bed, put up my bathroom cabinet, hung my curtains, bought and fitted a pulleyed clothed dryer in my kitchen, dropped off the furniture that matches my grandparents old dresser (that they also gave me), renewed the tax disc in my car, done my washing... and I've probably missed or forgotten or just not found out something else...

I am not trying to boast. I am trying to say 'Thank You' and 'I Love You'. I also want to make an analogy.

I find it hard to write this post because:
a) it sounds really cheesy and I know that there have probably been LOADS of times where I have not been so vehement of this attitude (justifiably and not!) and generally it seems glib,
and
b) I know how lucky I am and it can't be easy for people that don't have parents, don't have such obviously attentive caring ones, or maybe theirs just can't help them is such ways... I feel bad rubbing that in those people's face and also like I come across a little smug.

But the thing is, this is such a perfect example of what parenthood can be. In this moment of wonderfulness (which can also be seen in the times of discipline, hardship and controversy but is perhaps less obvious) I can see clearly an image of the fatherhood and motherhood of God. I don't want to overlook the glory of this feeling so I think I will write about it anyway.

The role of a parent is so important in the way it is an example of our relationship with God (like how marriage demonstrates another aspect - don'tcha just love how diverse relationships are, how with God we have all the sorts rolled into one and that He gives us examples of the different aspects!). That is a huge challenge to rise to and of course they are going to get it wrong sometimes.

Though for some that may seem like an understatement and with this symbolism comes it's own problems. Firstly I am aware that not everyone feels the same joy in these type of relationships. As with any hardship it is easier said that done to say that God is working through that to teach and to bring good things and that His parentage however hands-off it may seem (not true mind) is sufficient. So often it becomes easy for us to assimilate our negative images of parents with the biblical analogy and think that the worldly elements of error is something we receive from our Heavenly Father instead of those being exactly what He isn't. That sucks and I am sorry.

'Cause when I look at what I have and what maybe others don't I am reminded that we all have the same promises from God. And that what my parents fail at, He doesn't. And that the size of what they give is tiny in comparison with what He gives. So, while it may be a rubbish thing to hear me to say, I am glad that there is in the world examples of parentage being this lovely 'cause it can help just a little bit to understand what it means to be a child of God. You can't deny I am lucky and He does all the above and more: wow am I looking forward to finding out His surprises...!

Another thing I have realised is how easy it is for me to say thank you and I love you in a really heartfelt way to my biological parents:
a) Shameful fact that it is the result of a direct gift is telling of how easily I forget otherwise,
and
b) When it's God and you can't see the joy in His face or hear it in his voice, does it feel as rewarding? Are we as compelled?

I can't be ashamed to have such great folks, to do so would be to shirk the gift that God gave me when he put me in this family. So today I just want to say 'Thank You' and 'I Love You'. To my earthly parents - superstars and a wonderful demonstration of His love; and to Him, for blessing me with them.

How Can You Know Me?

2008-11-01T23:44:00.006Z

A bit of a pretentious analogy for the way in which I am so very very deep...!

OK, so, the idea is that my blog represents me, right, and the message I "put out there"? And that it is a big jumbled up mess of thoughts. Some of it is personal, some (well a lot) silly, but not even together do all the posts give a full picture. I can't always write and when I do it is honed to give you the impression I want and the insights that I am in the mood to share.

Really, if you could login to my dashboard, you'd find TONS of half-drafted posts. Some too personal. Some a poor representation of who I want you to see. Lots and lots and lots I just haven't had the chance to finish and share. Then there are the ones I haven't quite worked through yet and it might take a conversation or two with others to get things to a point of greater clarity.

Which is how I feel about relationships with people. That what we give out is the tip of the iceberg and that it takes a hell of a lot of time and probing to get to the things that there just isn't a chance for day-to-day. Even with those people that in theory you would let in, it takes a major effort in this day and age (or perhaps in every day and age, how can we tell?).

Which isn't even taking into account the fact that for some things you will need my private password to get to read...

People, with all their complicated messages and ideas. Some private personal soul wrenching details; others just a bit sideways that take unraveling. The vast majority un-chartered for no reason other than lack of opportunity. Logistically we can't get close to too many but I think if we take the time it is worth it for a few.

Maybe the only person you will ever get to know is yourself. That alone would take a lifetime+ Of course it may be rather nice to share it with another and have them help you on the journey - work out those posts/areas in which you have come to a brick wall and need a conversation to move forward and grow.

LOL, did Miss Independent get all soppy about boys for a minute? Not likely! Just, you know, I concede that it can actually be a good thing. Say, for example, when you want to give strangers a bed for the night and don't like the idea of being alone in the house with them... ENTER The Husband! :-P Until then, I've got my friends to keep me talking and walking. Plus, there aren't enough Christian men for everybody and it would feel selfish to nab one for meself!

Ha ha ha. I'm going to bed. This is just the tip of the iceberb...

Not the post I was going to write next

2008-10-29T22:44:00.005Z

I want to vent about how I have not been a very good Christian today. I had another post in mind, hence not forseeing this. I also didn't intend to be a not very good Christian.

I just didn't intend hard enough to try and be alright at it.

I've managed to be blah and non-seeking, non-joyful, non-life-giving, non-progressive, non-interested, non-alive. It's not because all I did was walk and sit in Starbucks and walk and sit in Starbucks and walk - that isn't great but it has all the potential in the world to give glory to God if it was His idea. It was the way I half-heartedly said "you have this day" and then proceeded to make no effort. Not in the physical where things were limited and I had no real good ideas and was a little weary, but mentally I just didn't bother. I lived in my own stupid, selfish, unholy head; thinking about things I KNOW I have no business thinking about (not like dirty thoughts or anything, just not looking to God and getting stressed and dwelling on the past and wondering about the future and daydreaming instead of focusing on what He has and hasn't said and all that jazz) and generally not actually making the choice for my actions (albeit synaptic ones) to reflect my ideals.

How bad is this for example: I was not really doing much, my battery had died having spent most of the day on my laptop, I was too worn out with too many bags to go outside and it was cold and raining anyway. As a last resort sitting in Starbucks I tried to read my bible but then I decided that, given I was tired, maybe God wanted to speak to me through dreams; so I had a 2 hour nap instead. I basically told Him to come and see me when He was ready and then curled up with my earphones in.

When you are visiting it is like you have to spend all your time making the most of the opportunity to see people. I didn't have any lined up today (aside from music practice this eve) but I was OK with that - it's going to be a pretty long one tomorrow and I did move my stuff to Anna's (giving Beautiful Brian a break) which made it not totally unproductive. With no plans or distractions I had a readymade opportunity to spend quality time with God instead; and I chose to think about the songs I need to learn, moan about my aches and kick back like a lazy cow. I didn't even do any maths. I didn't even try and it only occured to me this eve how that must have made God feel - like He was too much effort.

Sorry God. I'm going to try harder tomorrow. This feeling really sucks you know, I've let Him down. When it gets a bit tougher I'm supposed to up the anti, not give up.

One thing's for sure - I'll need His help.

Nice to be in Geneva, 'Citing!

2008-10-29T08:24:00.001Z

[I wrote this on Tuesday... there is a part II to come...]

I was talking to my mum yday and she observed that I had not actually written anything in my blog about the weekend retreat that I came to Geneva for... this is not because it was rubbish, far from it, I just didn't know quite what to share. A brief overview would be that I was TOTALLY full of joy and learned a lot about prayer - a main point I came away with being that righteousness is a key factor in the effectiveness thereoff... which is cool and given my name means pure not entirely unexciting (your name being the first prophetic thing to be said over your life!).

So that was great and I had a lovely time with friends - writing music, playing music, catching up on what has seemed a VERY long 2 months, celebrating my 5 month rebirthday, playing silly word games, eating fondu etc etc etc

And then yday I was like "What to do with this week?".

I came back for 10 days because I wanted to do the retreat and church and as I could not decided between the two went for the both. Midweek there is YAGs, music practise, pub quiz and, well, other good opps to catch up with friends... but it was basically looking like a bit of an empty time (albeit a chance to work). Not so now...

Last night at the quiz a coupla us were moved to offer to pray for our friend the quiz master/'ents coordinator at this main English speaking pub in Geneva called Pickwick's. Having been limping all night and clearly in a lot of pain, well, it just seemed right. She was well up for it, until she interpreted correctly what we had said... whereupon she refused. Well acknowledged as her right! However, realising that what she had heard was pLay for her we were like "what do you mean Yes?!" Before we knew it she had offered us the warm up slot for the band playing on Friday at Halloween!!!!!

So, we have a gig, all we need now is to be a band. As all involved are total music geeks we simply can't say no to this opportunity, even if we end up being dreadful. I comfort myself that I don't live here anymore so it doesn't really matter but I am still full of too much nervous energy to sleep and am feeling far too sick to eat a thing.

Another element in play is that we need to be dressed up. I think that is the thing scaring our otherwise far too gifted pianist... drummer boy just doesn't want to have to lug his kit around... my spitfire on guitar feigns nerves but is awesome and has done this before and then there's me... Arggggghhh!

But yet this is a total blessing and excitement and, I kid you not, sitting there in the pub about an hour before it came up I was thinking that the one thing I regretted about last year was not taking the opportunity to do a gig there. What is it with God answering prayers we don't even speak out? It's like He's saying "I love you and just want to bless you for the sake of it".

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sidetracked

2008-10-27T08:42:00.006Z

In the days before I came to Geneva I was building up quite a few blog thoughts. I can't promise they will ever make it here: back then I was too busy with life and not online; now I have plenty of time and a (sneaky) wireless connection with a comfy sofa, but my thoughts are elsewhere - and where I am not even sure.

The thing about blogging is, sometimes a post can only be posted when it is relevant to what you just did. I will start writing about a particular incident from my day then be rushed off on the next project; getting home at night with no way to finish and by the morning the moment has passed and I am on to the next thing.

Which in this situation I suppose is not critical. One might even argue that I was making a choice between real life and e-life and that in doing so while BGB might miss out, Kat(i)e was almost certainly edified... which can be no bad thing.

But let's suppose, just for a moment, that this blog actually suffered. Like, from neglect that is. It hasn't become something that it could have and is constantly yelling "I have unfulfilled potential 'cause you aren't writing in me".

If I don't complete on time I will miss the deadline and then that particular thought will be null and void - like a news reporter where the big story is all about what I had for lunch and how God revealed something exciting to me about it. It is true that in life there are other things in the mix and only 24 hours in the day (well, let's not make that a hard and fast rule, God can do what He likes with time but I don't think I should schedule my days in that knowledge) and that we can't have everything but I wish, sometimes, that I weighed up the payoff a bit more - regretting posts that I ought to have made but never quite got around to dealing with a tricky paragraph, or looking up a certain fact, or being disciplined enough to finish or, well, facing up to something that really just needs a total rethink.

I know a lot about waiting. I am good at that these days. Well, a bit better anyway. You know what they say about the 7 years Jacob waited for Rachel and then he got given Leah and had to start again? There is so much importance in patience and trusting God (or whatever you may believe) and learning something very valuable so that you are ready when God finally says Yes! Sometimes it maybe even just be about the self-discipline or the sacrifice but wait is DEFINITELY a good, nay a God, thing.

But I am also good at "waiting" when I actually mean Procrastinating. Thinking that at some point in the future it will be more appropriate and perhaps that if something is hard right now it is evidence that the time is not right. Looking at the bible bit it can be easy to ignore the fact that though Isaac waited and worked 7 years for Leah, he only had to do another week to get Rachel - the next 7 years came after the prize. It makes sense doesn't it? I mean, we are never going to be totally ready for anything.

I know that when I write my blog it takes me longer than it ought to. I'm easily sidetracked when difficulties come up and get a bit perfectionist about the silliest of things. The real problem arises however when I then pretend that if life is too full to get it done I obviously was not supposed to make that blog. Maybe if I didn't avoid the more unpleasant things and instead looked them straight in the face and dealt I would be able to press the 'publish' button instead of the 'save for later' one a bit more.

I wasn't sure where I was going with this post. It kinda just grew out of sitting down with, for once, absolutely no idea what to say. The message coming out for me seems about discipline and getting a task that I wish was something that could put off till later, completed. Lord knows that's been relevant a lot since starting back at uni! I need to stop saying it is about the one day when actually, more scarily, it might be about the now.

Wait and procrastinate (I HAVE to use that rhyme) can look very similar but they are vastly different. One gives you more in the long run and t'other, well, it leaves you somewhat lacking.

So I better go back through and redraft till I am content with this post. If you are reading it then you can be happy for me that this day I didn't delay.

Next stop, applying this to something that will actually be life changing...!

Huzzah!

2008-10-23T11:12:00.004+01:00

I'm online... and I've got a lot to say... but right now I have to go out...

Still, I just spoke to my dear French teacher (now my phone package has kicked in too I can make foreign calls) about seeing her next week in Geneva and she said such a sweet thing I have to share:

I told her how fabulous it has all been since I got back which truly is true, and how happy I am, and she said that when a girl speaks like that it sounds like she is in love... and I'm not! Which is great!!

It really is great because what that means is I am feeling the classic elation of that without the tension of it being dependent on another human being. Or more importantly I am feeling it because of God which means in some way I am getting to where I want to be - putting my First Love first and finding my contentment in Him. Falling in love with Jesus.

I think I'm going to have to go read Song of Solomon again now. I will post more later if I can (lots in the pipeline) but I just like that the day before I come back to La Suisse (or go back I should rather say) I have this encouragement over the direction I am going in; that is to say forward and closer to God.

Huzzah indeed.

P.S. I hope I don't sound all proud and holy, :-S I just get so excited when I feel like I am making progress and God is all affirming about it...